“Just tell me goddammit, is the arm in the middle YOURS or MINE?!?!???”
“Look, I know you cloned me to gget Betty off your beck, but I don’t want to be with her crazy ass either! So up yours!”
Dammit, I told you! Doiley’s Maximal clearly states that only TWO iterations of the same matter can occupy the same point in spacetime! TWO! Now Earth-7 Archie is GONE! He’s DEAD, Arch! LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!
Look, Archie, you knew we were going to do an “identical cousins” story sooner or later. We’re out of plots! Now sit down and shut up!
“All thinking is a process of identification and integration. Man perceives a blob of color; by integrating the evidence of his sight and his touch, he learns to identify it as a solid object; he learns to identify the object as a table; he learns that the table is made of wood; he learns that the wood consists of cells, that the cells consist of molecules, that the molecules consist of atoms. All through this process, the work of his mind consists of answers to a single question: What is it? His means to establish the truth of his answers is logic, and logic rests on the axiom that existence exists. Logic is the art of non-contradictory identification. A contradiction cannot exist. An atom is itself, and so is the universe; neither can contradict its own identity; nor can a part contradict the whole. No concept man forms is valid unless he integrates it without contradiction into the total sum of his knowledge. To arrive at a contradiction is to confess an error in one’s thinking; to maintain a contradiction is to abdicate one’s mind and to evict oneself from the realm of reality.”
This purse of ducats I received from you,
And Dromio, my man, did bring them me.
I see we still did meet each other’s man,
And I was ta’en for him, and he for me,
And thereupon these errors are arose.
“Up yours whitey”
We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and the oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
“They’re *laser* scissors! Of course they beat rock! Now climb into that wood chipper and this whole clone nonsense will be over.”
“Secondly – I’ve got my own show on TBS! I’ll trade you Richter for Jughead, but we’re not swapping lives, no matter how ‘wacky’ you think it might be.”
“You knew that watching Fight Club after midnight was a mistake. Are you really surprised that this happened?”
“Stop arguing! Jughead’s time hat brought me back to this time to save the world. We have two weeks, TWO WEEKS!, to stop Lodge’s mine from hitting that portal to Hell before everything goes tits up!”
“Look, you knew when they launched ‘The Married Life’ this was BOUND to happen!”
“Look, when I, the Human Target, agreed to take on your case, Mr. Andrews, I knew I’d be throwing myself in front of murderous girls, psychotic boyfriends of murderous girls, and a principal with weird fixations on his students. But I draw the line at park benches, dig? I. DON’T. DO. PARK. BENCHES.”
“You might want to sit down for this one, Arch. ‘Scissoring?’ No one does that outside of bad porn for straight guys.”
“We called it first. Besides, this place kinda feels like a “B” y’know?”
“Save them all – humans and Gangers!”
“What ? Ya don’t believe me ? 2 seconds,gimme just 2 seconds , & I’ll shove this park bench up my ass ! How much you bet I can’t?”
“You sit down, I hit you with the syringe. You get a quiet death, the coroner gets paid off to misidentify your body, and I won’t bomb this shitpit of a town off the map. Deal?”
Apropos of nothing.
“And this is the place where I vaporized the Punisher. Don’t you think you’d be dead too if I didn’t desperately need your help?”
I said I wanted two benches, you stupid clone! Two! What’s the point of breeding them if they can’t reproduce in large volumes?
That’s TWO TIMES you’ve shat on this bench, dammit! I don’t know how they do things on Earth One, but in THIS universe WE DON’T DEFECATE ON PUBLIC PROPERTY.
“Look, I don’t want to do this any more than you do, but we’re in slashfic! Let’s just get this over with!”
“British Archie doesn’t play that way, yank!”
See, I told you, ‘Invisible Archie’ here has TWO balls – what a freak! So why on Earth am I called ‘Oddball Archie’?!
“Betty, you’re bottoming. When the real Archiekins comes along he’ll just assume it’s a clone orgy, and I need my mouth wiiiiide open.”
“Jughead, when we named our band the Archies, I never meant… Oh, never mind. You get your plastic surgeon back on the phone and I’ll book the tickets to Sweden…”
This is the point where I tell you: your first cunnilingus is with a park bench!
“Come on, we both knew it’d come down to this after we saw each other! Right here, right now, hot clone sex!”
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