Archie Andrews And The Improver of Secrets

OH GOD THEY’RE BITING ME! HELP ME! HEL–EEEARRRGGHGHGHGH!!!!

“Goddamned frosh week initiation pranks get more annoying every year! Fucking students! Kill them all!”

“Danny Thomas put apples in my car!”

“All right! You win, God! My Applejack cosplay has gotten out of hand! I admit it! Either help me…or…or for heaven’s sake given me my cutie mark!”

Forgive me, Lord Jobs, I repent! I REPENT!!

“APPLEBLOOM! PINKIE PIE! I KNOW THIS WAS YOU!”

Damn you Friendly Neighborhood Pile of Apples!!

“The goggles do nothing! NOTHING!”

“FUCKING NEWTON!!!!!”

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I DON’T LIKE DEM APPLES!

I thought one of Milton’s Apple Enzyme injections a day would keep me healthy, but now look what’s happening to me! I’m changing… turning into the very thing I thought would save me!

WHAT HATH SCIENCE WROUGHT!

“What is the nature of the guilt that your teachers call his Original Sin? What are the evils man acquired when he fell from a state they consider perfection? Their myth declares that he ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge-he acquired a mind and became a rational being. It was the knowledge of good and evil-he became a mortal being. He was sentenced to earn his bread by his labor-he became a productive being. He was sentenced to experience desire-he acquired the capacity of sexual enjoyment. The evils for which they damn him are reason, morality, creativeness; joy-all the cardinal values of his existence. It is not his vices that their myth of man’s fall is designed to explain and condemn, it is not his errors that they hold as his guilt, but the essence of his nature as man. Whatever he was-that robot in the Garden of Eden, who existed without mind, without values, without labor, without love-he was not man.”

Quickly, my apple friends, into the car. You press the pedals and I’ll steer.

Well that’s one miracle. Steve Jobs is only 2 miracles away from being the saint that everyone thinks he is.

Argh, argh! Mac Autobot innards!

{I’ll stop now}

I thought I’d seen the last of… Appleanche!

Damn these hairless tribbles!

Is this meant as an apple-ogy?

[I'm really going to stop now]

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain…”

“HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT COMING??!!!?”

“SERIOUSLY, I HAVE CLEAR UNTINTED WINDOWS, HOW DID I NOT NOTICE ALL THE APPLES THAT MUST SURELY HAVE BEEN JAMMED AGAINST THEM NOT THREE SECONDS AGO?!?!??!!”

Try again. You’ll get one in my mouth eventually.

GODDAMIT EVE, I WILL NOT EAT THIS MOTHERFUCKING FRUIT! DID YOU EVER CONSIDER I LIKE MY CAR BETTER THAN THE ABILITY TO TELL GOOD FROM EVIL?

(Caption: Archie Theatre Presents Yahweh Motors, Inc.: The Classic Creation Story Re-Told In The High-Pressure World Of Car Salesmanship. With Jughead Jones as Boss Yahweh, Midge “Sugar-Tits” Klump as Lily von Forktongue, Waldo “Sugar-Tits” Weatherbee as Little Joey Adam and Betty “Sugar-Tits” Cooper as Windshield Eve: The Girl Who Forgot How To Quit, And Indeed What She Was Meant To Be Quitting)

“I asked for pearbags!”

The more you stare at his mouth, the more you realise it’s an eye… staring back. Always staring back. Watching, always watching…