ME: What are you doing on my internet?
FLAPJACKS: I’m reading Nelson’s Wikipedia entry.
ME: I don’t think I can actually get a more honest explanation than that.
FLAPJACKS: Did you know they released an album called Because They Can? Nelson have some big balls.
ME: I did not know that.
FLAPJACKS: I’m also pretty sure that they wrote their Wikipedia entry. “In addition to touring as NELSON, the twin singer-songwriters also perform a separate tribute act for their father, called “Ricky Nelson Remembered.” Plus, they perform with celebrity all-star rock and roll rat pack SCRAP METAL.”
ME: Wow, I could hear the all-caps.
FLAPJACKS: Only because I say the all-caps parts in a bass voice.
ME: Well, yes. Say, do we know who Scrap Metal – excuse me, SCRAP METAL – are?
FLAPJACKS: I Googled and it turns out it is Nelson plus other people from formerly famous rock bands. Like, the “about” section says that it was founded by Nelson and the former lead singers of Mr. Big, Slaughter and Night Ranger.
ME: Night Ranger? Are they a real band? I thought they were the band in Left 4 Dead 2 that had the concert where you fight zombies.
FLAPJACKS: I think that’s someone else. But anyway, apparently Scrap Metal are mostly just Nelson, and whoever Nelson can get to tour with them that week. Like, here’s a press release where Scrap Metal played before “2,000 of our country’s future military leaders” in Annapolis –
ME: So basically they’re the guys you get for your high school prom or something.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t judge. But for this event, they had Nelson, plus the former lead singer of Vixen, and some guy who is described as being “of Ted Nugent.” I guess Ted Nugent is a band now, otherwise they would have said “this guy who used to play with Ted Nugent.”
ME: I believe technically Ted Nugent is an institution now, thanks to an official recognition from Congress in 2003.
FLAPJACKS: Oh, here’s something where they welcome the former lead singer of Motley Crue –
ME: Vince Neil? How did Nelson get Vince Neil to do anything with them? Vince Neil is still sort of famous.
FLAPJACKS: They got John Corabi.
ME: Oh, come on. Calling John Corabi “the lead singer of Motley Crue” is only technically correct. He was there for like four years where Motley Crue barely did anything and then they fired him and brought back Vince Neil. That would be like bringing in Guy from Extreme and then calling him “the lead singer of Van Halen” when you don’t even have Sammy Hagar.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you want to call out John Corabi like that? I mean, the guy probably doesn’t get mentioned on the internet that often. I bet with a couple weeks this will become the #1 Google result for “John Corabi.”
ME: I’m fine with it, because unlike Steven Seagal, John Corabi does not have his own brand of knife.
FLAPJACKS: You promised never to mention Steven Seagal again! Oh god, now I’m saying it! Stop it! Stop it!
ME: Maybe we could talk about more long-dead hair rock bands. It’s like internet camouflage.