Improvement of Archie on the Campaign Trail ’72

“Look guys, I made a loaf of bread small enough that my spunk covers it perfectly!”

“…so the whole point of his character is that he just wants a Twinkie! It’s so simple, it’s actually profound! That’s what makes Zombieland so awesome!”

Do not rest in so profound a doubt except she tell it thee, who shall be a light between truth and intellect. I know not if thou understand: I speak of Twinkie.

“Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s sample, it would be a Twinkie… thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.”

“… What about the Twinkie?”

Ron: “Yo’ momma so fat, the core of her wand is Twinkie filling!”

It’s called the Twinkie Defense: you just slide it over your lil’ Archie when you have sex and you can’t get AIDS!

And once we smuggle the drugs across the border in these snack cakes, you’ll have all the money you’ll ever need for hamburgers, and I’ll finally get respect from Mr. Lodge. It’s foolproof!

My god! It’s full of stars!

“Hold it right there, Weatherbee! You might be able to refuse the demands of the Model UN, but can you refuse the delicious spongy golden cake and creamy filling of a HOSTESS TWINKIE?”

Twinkie, twinkie, little bar,
How I wonder what you are.
Making the world feel so high,
Lucy Diamond in the sky.

It’s OK, gang! These are Twinkies™, not Hostess Fruit Pies™ — we’re safe from Batman!