Yesterday on Twitter, Tim O’Neill wrote that the best Twitter bot name he had seen yet was “Charsky Troublefield.” This is, no question, a great name.
However, I pointed out that in real life, about a decade ago when Columbia House was still a thing, my roommates and I received more than a few pieces of direct-mail marketing directed at “Goat Slywinkle,” which I staunchly maintain to be the best fake name created for illicit commercial gain of all time. (Fake Columbia House identities were the Neanderthal equivalent of spambot names.) Indeed, for a time one of my roommates registered slywinkle.com, until he got bored with it.) I keep meaning to use ol’ Goat in a story somewhere, but his name is so outrageous that it requires the proper character and he hasn’t shown up yet.
Tim then attempted to counter Goat with his personal favorite spam name, which was “Rbassus Obassman.” I think this does not come close to “Goat Slywinkle.” Your mileage may vary.
So, I throw it open to the floor: the best spam name (or fake record club name, or what have you) that you have ever seen?
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I used to get spam mails from someone with the unfortunate name of Beard M. Dolores.
I’m a big fan of Joe Mallozzi’s “Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”, so much that I stole it for my on-line gaming nickname (with a minor spelling change so it’d stop popping the profanity filters).
Nakamura Jenkins. Which could very well be a real name, but still obviously stands out as a strange one.
“Newt Gingrich”
I was gonna say, you ever notice how many political figures have spam filter names? Who names a kid “Rush?”
My all-time favorite pen name comes from a letter to the editor my father once wrote to his college newspaper, which he signed “Bounder J. Squarewheel”. (Some thirty years later, when I was editing that same college paper, I therefore took a couple of opportunities to resurrect Mr. Squarewheel as a wealthy alumnus.)
Anarchy Online had truly bizarre names for NPC’s (at least in beta when I played). It seemed that when it generated a mission, it would pick a random first name, and often a random noun for the last name. There were a few that kept popping up over and over, our personal favorites were Rocco Mustache and Porsche Semen. I truly hope they kept those in release.
Dokky Volt (misspelling of a real name on a credit card application).
Yamela Maxwell
Not a spam name, but I am reminded of the classic Friends episode:
“Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?”
“Oh! Chandler gets it. It’s Chandler Bing.”
“I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to “Chanandler Bong”.”
My college mates maintained a Facebook page for “Dr. Randy Goblecoque, Professor Emeritus of Women’s Studies”, though this name is admittedly stolen from the Zero Punctuation critic. Send your best spam to coquegoblin@operamail.com today!
My viagra spam from Dick Workman isn’t subtle, but I appreciate that the spammer’s at least having fun at his job.
Goode Horsecock.
Crystal Hymen and Janet Dickendropper.
Sadly, those are both *real names* of people I ran across during my career working for a conference call service.
The greatest record club name EVER was Santos L. Halper.
I got a Nigerian 409 scam from “Princess Edna Sushi”.
Had a friend who gave a fake name to marketers, because he wanted to see who was selling his info (preInternet days). The name?
“Guy Inagorillasuit”
I once got a spam e-mail from God.
That spam e-mail from God will return to judge us for our penis size, our local hook-ups with young hotties, and our unclaimed inheritances.
I moonlighted for a time to several mailing companies and surveys I filled in as “Colonel Wolf J Flywheel”, which I stole from the Marx brothers. At one point, a company decided that they could endear themselves to me by posting my a sheet of stickers with my name on them. Jackpot.
There is apparently a real dude named Dirk Rambo.
Openhanded M. Decapitates.
He sounds like a 90s action hero. “It’s Dee-ca-pee-tayes.”
“I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to “Chanandler Bong”.”
To Miss Chanandler Bong.
When I was working drive-thru, I took actual credit cards with the names:
-Sterling Valentine (I want to write a pulp detective novel just to use this name)
-Deirdre Teats (Yes, it was a woman. No, she was not a porn star, unless it was for obesity fetish porn.)
-And Tristan Virgin (Yes, Virgin. I looked twice)
A few weeks back, I went to Micro Center because one of my friends got a coupon for free trinkets, including a 2GB flash drive, if you provided them with your contact info. I put down my real name, but decided to list my address as 310 Notareal Street. The guy noticed it, but pronounced it like Montreal, so I think he didn’t quite get it. Either way, I am totally using it from now on, and I’ll get indignant if it’s challenged (“It’s pronounced Note-ree-all!”).
Strudel Masterson.
(Not my creation, sadly)
A Scottish guy once got very angry and went to the press because he received a bill addressed to “Mr Itchy Bawbag” (bawbag is Scottish slang for scrotum). And then everyone made fun of him, so he complained to the press again.
http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/2010/04/23/my-life-s-been-ruined-by-mr-itchy-bawbag-prank-letter-claims-builder-86908-22206144/
My spam trap email account is registered under the name “Lamont Cranston.”
I was quite fond of spambot Bureaucrats McGuire, who informed me that “You will be the Legend of the 10-inch Manhood,” which I believe is a Bruce Lee film.
Back in RuneQuest III, the version published by Avalon Hill back before most people knew much about typography, its sample adventure included a barbarian named Bodoni Boldface. That always amused me.
This may be hearsay, but apparently my friend’s dad dormed with someone in college named “Marvallo Gravallo Balloonface”
I’ll see your Goat Slywinkle and raise you a Wombat Kingpin. Back during our college days, my best friend’s fraternity house would order magazine subscriptions under that name.
As usual, an auto-generated website, in this case Hunger Names, already provides the ideal solution.
Not a spam name (but worth of it) was the name of an Ogre Warrior back in the Everquest days:
Smashdaddy Supertanker
It was Temujin Leffingwell. I loved him instantly.
Speaking of student press psuedonyms, I’ve always had a soft spot for Randy Felt. Can’t claim credit though, it was one of my very funny colleagues, but he became a shared mascot and I try to find a reason to appropriate him every 18 months or so. He developed quite a melancholy character over the few years’ worth of parody issues he appeared in.
After once sending away for a free rosary as a prop, I still occasionally get right-wing fringe-Catholic propaganda, all obsessed with sex and sin and expiation, addressed to Miss Dolores Haze.
Messiah J. Obfuscatory
It’s the J. that gets me.
Similar to “Miss Chanadler Bong” my dad (Benny Dobson) got spam snail mail addressed to “Bguny Dubpson”
I think my favourite is a Twitter spambot named Pansy Louder.
In the vein of “Bguny Dubpson” up there, while my dad (one Chris Prator) got all manner of mangled-name junkmail, nothing ever quite topped the letter addressed to “Christ Pratos.” Christ has gone on to a successful career as the spam filter name of choice for both of us.
I’m quite fond of Tamara Neverdies, though I’ve also gone by Cassie Noroyale.
Prickles P. Sicking
A buddy of mine once worked at a place where for some reason the managers’ names were displayed on one of those black magnetic placards . For funsies they would often rearrange the letters for comedic effect. My personal favorite remains: “Nadine Slam-Nipple”
Checking my spam filter, the most amusing ones are Steel Rockwell and Max Gentleman.
Waldorf T. Flywheel.
I work for a very large public sector employer that’s as large as a Fortune 500 Company. I think anyone who’s worked in a large beureacracy comes across those names which are truly “spam worthy” – even though they’re the names of real people. Here’s a list from my organization that I’ve been compiling for 15 years:
Wavie Fentriss
Bruno Felus
Perry Precious
Pompeii Suggs
L. Rex
Floretta Bubenko
Gabor Florian
Skippy Baldwin
Velva Doll
Melinda Fracker De Fonte
Sandra Neithercoat
Dawn Poppenweimer
Snober Ketty
Derwood Stetson
Casimir Wojicki
Mary Joe Rodio
Candy Graham
Robert Duffus
Immaculate Hamilton
Dorothy Ramp-Page
Biggy Benson
Wayne Wacker
Patty Pretti
Ralph Santoliquido
Prince Ojo
Dennis Jihad
Richard Willy
Emil Notarfrancesco
Bystron Zygmurt
Sterling Peacock
Walter Wishwanick
Needra Macskimming
Quibila Divine
Dori Gerber-Snody
Real names from real people, believe it or not.
Johnette Vanruler.
It’s not the best, but i don’t have all that much experience with spam names.
Nebuchadnezzar Q. Pumpernickel. That is all.
Victoria Tims.
I ended up using the name in a horror short film years ago. I couldn’t resist.
Dr. Ohno Itsunotme — I invented him over 25 years ago, in the Dawn Age of the internets, as a fake scientist
Along the lines of Marionette’s Tamara Neverdies and Cassie Noroyale, I’ve got Amanda B. Recondwith.