“What was that?”
“Men of steel, tent of Kleenex.”
“How’re you enjoying Brokeback Mountain so far, Archie?”
“Well – that puddle on my back? It’s not rain!”
Ahoy! Be your tent in distress?
Aye, we be shipping a bit of water, but she’ll be weathertight once we fother a tarp o’er the ridgepole.
Weatherbee: I tried to tell you, these are only miniature novelty tents!
Archie: Well, excuse me for wanting an authentic camping souvenir!
“My god, Archie! Didn’t anyone warn you? You’ve pitched your tent right over the site of an ancient burial ground! Get out before the curse takes hold!”
“It’s too late! The spirits have already torn holes in our tent, while my body has shrunken to the size of an infant with oddly delineated buttocks! As usual, Jughead’s heavy-lidded expression of contempt reveals that he doesn’t give a shit!”
“If you want to stay dry, come over for a booty call”
“Not until my boyfriend falls asleep”
“When shall we three meet again?”
“When the hurley-burley’s done, when the battle’s lost and won.”
“This is the last time I make a bet based on your predictions, Andrews. Leafs making the playoffs, my ass! Fucking idiot! You hear me, Andrews? You’re a fucking idiot!”
“I thought this was their year!”
Hey Arch. Hey man! Hey, this is pretty intense. IN-TENSE. Riiight?
Duuude, not cool.
Archie! Wanna come over an pitch a tent with me?
Dude, this is Florida — open your yap again and I’ll shoot you.
“I could see Sarah Palin accidentally shooting a tent once, but three times?”
“Three so far; she’s reloading.”
“This Harry Potter-themed resort was a lot of fun, but I’m ready to go home now!”
“Didn’t you read the books? We’ve gotta stay out here another three months!”
“See, as the power-abusing high authority, I have access to better quality items and food, represented by my not-shitty red tent. You two on the other hand, are forced by the system to share the same lower grade items that are unable to provide for your basic needs, represented by your patchwork yellow tent. Its a metaphor for the policies of Communist Russia.”
“This is the last time I dodge out of a late homework assignment by going to one of the Bee’s Historical Metaphor Theater productions!”
“ARCHIE! IN 1985, YOU’RE GOING TO PISS OFF A GANG OF LIBYAN TERRORISTS, AND THEY’RE GOING TO SHOOT YOU!!!”
“WHAT?!? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THIS PLEASANT SUMMER SHOWER!!!!”
“Archie, how’s your slashfic LARP going?”
“Not so great, we’re wet and cold, but Jughead refuses to huddle together for warmth like the fic says.”
“LIKE A MANDRILL!”
“I AM UATU, THE WATCHER, AND I CAN SEE THAT THIS IS ONLY ONE OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS!! FOR EXAMPLE, IN THE REALITY YOU KNOW, YOU ARE GETTING SOAKED TO THE BONE THANKS TO YOUR SHITTY TENT! HOWEVER, THERE ARE OTHER REALITIES, INCLUDING ONE WHERE YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BUY A STUPID SMALL SHITTY TENT!!! JOIN ME IN ASKING… WHAT IF… ARCHIE ANDREWS WAS NOT A TOTAL SHITEATING FUCKWIT WHO KNEW HOW TO BUY A PROPER FUCKING TENT?!!?!?!?!!!”
“THAT IS NOT HELPING!!”
“Guys, I’m really sorry about taking that dump there right in front of your tent last night, but I was on the runs, and couldn’t make it to the camp washroom. Sorry. Really.”
“That was YOU??????”
It turns out your experimental new fabric is water soluble!
I’d like to revisit our test procedures for flammability.
“These tents are not very well-designed! They are certainly failing at keeping out the rain, in spite of the implied contract between consumer and producer that these tents will keep out the rain!”
“Yes! I agree completely! This camping trip has proven wholly ill-advised!”
“It is very wet!”
“Because of the rain!”
“Hey! Hey Archie! Archie! Hey!”
“What? I can’t hear you! The rain is very loud! I cannot hear you over the amount of rain!”
“Any sign of the Sasquatch?”
“Any sign?!? Motherfucker raped our tent three times last night!
Shit like this is why I hate Alpha Flight.”
“Why didn’t you use the duct tape?”
“We needed it to patch the bus’ tires.”
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