Hello. I’m Jock, of Mad Jock’s Lawn Dominator brand fertilizer. Now, you might think that fall is the time where you finally stop shelling out for our product, but I’m here to tell you that this is the most important time of the year to fertilize your lawn. Except maybe for spring. And summer, of course. But it’s more important than winter, which requires only our ‘Mad Jock’s Winter Lawn Maintenance brand of fertilizer, sprinkled over the snow.
You see, our top grass scientists have discovered that fall is the time where the grass starts fattening up for the long winter season by bulking up with extra nutrients, much like a bear eats more before going into hibernation. Your grass is building a layer of fat to insulate itself from the winter’s cold, and to sustain it during those periods when sunlight is scarce. If you don’t fertilize your lawn during this crucial period, your grass is going to wake up out of its torpor in the middle of winter, cold and hungry. When that happens, the angry grass might just break into your house, looking for food. It might find your pets…your children…even you. Do you want that? WELL, DO YOU?
Of course not. So buy Mad Jock’s Lawn Dominator Fall Spectacular Oktoberfert brand fertilizer, and cover your lawn with it to a depth of about six inches. Buy a few extra bags, just in case your neighbor’s lawn gets a wee bit pissy and you have to throw something to it around November to keep it from nibbling on the family dog. There’s never a bad time to buy our fall fertilizer. Except for spring, I suppose, or summer. Or winter. Those aren’t the best times to buy it, because you don’t need it. Which is why you should buy it then, to stock up on it for when you do need it. Which makes it the best time of all to buy!
Mad Jock’s Lawn Dominator. Seed your lawn. Seed it. Seed it hard, lad. Seed it all night long. That’s right, just like that. Oh, your lawn likes it when you seed it there, doesn’t it? Yes, harder…harder…oh, seed it, can’t you see how bad it wants it? No, don’t look at me, just keep seeding…a video-camera? Don’t be silly, I would never…where are you going? What do you mean, “To call the cops”? Wait, come back, just–SHIT!
**sound of running footsteps**