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“Feel familiar, Dilton?”

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“There’s no way Archie will be able to beat Wilt Chamberlain by the end of the summer.”

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“Yeah, he hasn’t realized yet that his count is off because he keeps seeing himself in the mirrors.”

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William Kendall said on September 10th, 2013 at 10:56 am

“No, really, he’s completely distracted right now. All it would take is one poison dart to the back of the neck and we’d be rid of him forever.”

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“X-ray specs. That’s why this side reads ‘bald’.”

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LightlyFrosted said on September 10th, 2013 at 1:11 pm

“Hunting season is always the worst.”

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Mitchell Hundred said on September 10th, 2013 at 1:37 pm

The weird thing is that those aren’t stats for the women on the beach: he’s been building this list for several weeks now.

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‘The mirrors are so he can spot Betty or Veronica coming and hide the evidence.’

Alternatively:
‘He doesn’t realise the reason he’s spotted so many blondes is because Betty keeps crossing his field of view.’

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I told him an LLC made more sense, but would he listen?

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“Archie founded Girl Watchers, Inc. when he realized that corporations are effectively immune from prosecution for crimes which would guarantee prison time for a private citizen.”

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We’re stuck in a time loop, Dilton, there’s no other way to explain how we’ve ended up in the same photoshopped clip from three years ago!

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‘And we’ll return here, again and again, until we get it right.’

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‘Either that or we wait for my mother to remark on my underwear and invite me to the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.’

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‘Or take a whale home with us.’

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“The culling has begun, Dilton. Have you ever wondered why we so often see Betty and Veronica, and so few others appear long enough to even speak their first name? The Andrews has started the tally, and he will whittle away the undesirables until he is….satisfied.”

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Of course what you can’t see Dilton, is the two tally marks in the “Black Hair” column.

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“Dilton, you’re a genius. Why, it almost looks as if he’s alive again. And a person.”

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GoatToucher said on September 12th, 2013 at 6:11 pm

“Girls keep playing. Archie keeps perving. Yet here’s a dead hobo, just lying behind this little hill. What’s his story, Dilton? Who is left to mourn him?”

“Fucking PEOPLE, man.”

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“The cops don’t seem interested in enforcing that restraining order.”

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“I hope the shiekh will be pleased, his supply of white slaves is perilously low.”

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Can we truly judge an ape? Is his mind not satisfied? Let us envy his inner peace instead of scorning it.

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Adrian Whiteman said on September 15th, 2013 at 10:46 pm

“He needs that telescope. Most of these women have restraining orders that prevent Archie from approaching within 50 yards of them.”

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Darlington Furcifer said on September 16th, 2013 at 2:13 am

John Seavey is going to shit oh so many bricks.

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