Hold on, no need to read out this year’s budget. I’m just getting instructions to invest it all in… love? Goddammit.
“I wish to be left alone. Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, I don’t make merry myself at Christmas and I can’t afford to make idle people merry. Is that too Dickensian of me to say in this day and age, and if it ever gets out in public, will it come back to bite me on my goldplated ass?”
“I don’t want no scrubs,
A scrub is a boy who
can’t get love from me.
Hangin’ out the passenger side
of his best friend’s ride,
tryin’ to holla at me.”
I can’t remember your name. I’ll just call you “Penis”
“So, let me review the minutes from last meeting…wait…this is a recording of two people engaged in the most filthy of sexual acts! Wait…Is that you, Jenkins? And…Veronica?! Well…at least it’s not that Andrews boy.”
Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids. Find someone else. Forget it. I’m never coming back. Forget it.
It seems so obvious-
“I like! Big! Butts and I cannot lie!
You other brothers can’t deny!
When a girl walks in
With an itty-bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get SPRUNG!”
“I tell you this: no Eternal Reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.”
Gentlemen! I’m betting a lot of your money on the Sony Walkman being the next big thing with the Hipster crowd!
Egads! Can you hear that tinny authenticity?
“All! Will obey! The Master! Control! Computer!”
“This Dianetics tape is incredible – I like the cut of this ‘L. Ron Hubbard’ chap’s jib. Someone get me an e-reader and the company chequebook”
“For THIS meeting, I’ve decided to let my exposed genitalia do the talking for me, while I meditate to the recorded screams of burnt puppies. Carry on.”
“They’re the perfect noise-cancelling headphones! All I can hear is punctuation!”
“And this is what gaydar looked like before the transistor. …do you have dinner plans this evening, Mister Redvest?”
“Well, it’s rather brutal here. Right now we’re advising all our clients to put everything they’ve got into canned food and shotguns.”
I’ve convened the meeting in the garden today because Bob here wishes to pretend he’s smoking that plastic cigar he’s holding. I’d have shipped him out when he began making these demands, but the lawyers are insisting I go along with his fantasy. They’re worried how it would look if we sacked our only employee with a single, hairless, rabbit ear. You know how those disabled minorities like to whine. You’ll push me too far, Bob!
Also, you may like to note that I have had my flaccid penis amputated and placed in a glass on the table. DO NOT LOOK AT IT!
So, to business. First… Fir, err, First. No, I’m sorry. Steve. Your trembling wig is distracting me. Don’t get me wrong, buying an identical suit to mine is very flattering, but your trembling wig is distracting. If Norman, could you? Stand in front of Steve? Yes. Yes, that’s good. DON’T TOUCH THE PENIS GLASS! Hand away, Norman.
So, to business. First, err… look, does anyone else see that odd looking dwarf guy half way down the table or have I been taking vast amounts of hallucinogenics again? No one? No one? Half Way? No, not the hipster at the end. The Hipster. Ginger specs there, at the end. No, the end! Remember the end? We agreed at the last meeting the end of the table would now be half way so it we could all reach it. We put a label on it so we’d remember. There’s Bunny-Bob, Rudy Guiliani, The Blind Ginger, and the laughing dwarf. STEVEN! DO NOT REACH FOR MY PENIS!
Anyway, to business. First. You may not have noticed, but I am wearing a device. I am also wearing something on my ears attached to electronic equipment. This, gentlemen, is the future!
“it’s simple, we kill the batman.”
“THERE IS NO SANCTUARY!”
“A moment, if you please, Worthington. I fully intend to let you finish, but you must know that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.”
“She’ll break your hearts in the end.”
“Fuck the police coming straight from the underground! A young nigga got it bad cause I’m brown…”
“I know, I couldn’t believe it either when the shareholders claimed this board of directors lacked diversity either.”
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