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mygif

There was actually an interesting bit in one of the listener letters read out on the BBC’s Flagship Movie Podcast, mentioning that they were hoping for a post-Blackfish examination of animals in captivity – which is something I might have been interested to watch.
Taking a documentary-ish animal rights look at the problems of having previously extinct animals in necessarily created environments would have been a far more interesting premise – and probably would work well into your series idea, which is something else I’d be happy to watch.

But I guess that doesn’t get the summer blockbuster shouty-run-action-disaster dollars that the execs want…
Sigh.

(Also, hello to Jason Isaacs, who should totally play Groo in the non-inevitable movie.)

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mygif

Oh, there’d definitely be a lot of ‘Blackfish’-themed drama. I mean, ultimately these dinosaurs are man-made. To someone concerned with the profit/loss statements, they’re going to see expenditures to improve the health and well-being of the animals as unnecessary. Why not grow another one when one dies? But to the keepers, the people who work with the dinosaurs on a day-to-day basis, that’s harsh and cruel and inhumane. (Especially if they get people who’ve been working in zoos…most actual zoos, as opposed to shitty theme parks like SeaWorld, see themselves first and foremost as habitats for the animals.) There’s definitely a lot of drama there.

Basically, in my vision of Jurassic World, you wouldn’t be worried about the safety of the people. You’d be worried about the safety of the dinosaurs.

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mygif

I just wanted to point out the missed opportunity involving Chris Pratt with “Jurassic Parks and Recreation”.

But it does, as you say, seem like a wasted opportunity just by making the same movie again. People (well, I) love Jurassic for the sense of wonder in the first half more than the monster chases in the second.

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@JayDzed said on June 23rd, 2015 at 1:12 am

Sign me up for your version of the movie.

Didn’t go to see it ’cause the trailers made it like like a shitty half-arsed cash-in sequel, and the reviews I read* pretty much back that up.

(*) Not counting the ones that were all “Lookithteprettyeffects!1! Much Dionsaurs! Such CGI! Wow!” which I am choosing to ignore.

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@JamesV

Yours is a little bit unwieldy. I would have gone with “Parks and Rex.”

I’ve seen Jurassic World. It was about as good as Lost World. Not as good as the first one, better than the third one, which was just dire. It’s mainly carried on the back of Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, and Vincent D’Onofrio.

Its main failure, I think, isn’t so much that it’s about the animals breaking free and eating people (again) it’s that they don’t even bother to explore the consequences of that in the context of a big, filled park.

You could completely empty the park of all guests except the people who actually have names and lines, and you’d get literally the same movie. The fact that this time, the park is full of people should have been an interesting source of drama. How do you evacuate 20,000 tourists amidst a horde of escaping dinosaurs, some of whom are wounded, some of whom are stubborn, entitled idiots, some of whom are just scared? Are the dinosaurs smart enough to do things like cut off obvious escape routes, blockade the docks, etc? Do the trainers have sufficient rapport with some of them to safely escort groups of people past dangerous carnivores? You know, stuff like that.

Only none of that happens. All the tourists are evacuated to a mammoth secure set of bunkers, and then ships come and take them away. Yeah, yeah, sure, pteranadon attack, some people got picked up and dropped from a great height… that was it. And you could have removed the running, screaming crowds and replaced them with running, scream park workers and you would still have had the same movie.

Now, on the one hand, at least this proves that this time, the people who build Jurassic World actually knew what the fuck they were doing. Their security actually works and is effective, at least until they actually breed the worlds smartest, deadliest murder lizard. So is their disaster response. It’s not the half-assed, a-child-could-have-designed-better-security we got in the first film.

On the other hand, that’s a little bit dull. Like I said, if you’re gonna fill the park with people, said people-filling should actually be somewhat relevant to the plot of the film and not just a backdrop. You know?

Also, this might be a sign that I’m getting old, but I’m so so SO done with the kids. I was of an age with Tim and Lex when the first movie came out, and I still like them (I re-watched them all recently) but I don’t even remember the names of Claire’s stupid nephews; just that you had older annoying dickhead who treats women like shit, and younger annoying kid who needed a haircut and probably has some kind of hyperactivity problem he should see about sorting out. Their family drama was also utterly uninteresting. I could have stood to see more about the lives of the control room people, who actually seemed interesting.

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mygif

@Murc: Also, I’m not sure a pterodactyl could carry a human being. It’s a simple question of weight ratios. **waits for inevitable Monty Python quote-fest to begin**

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Carlos Futino said on June 23rd, 2015 at 10:56 am

I like your idea for a series. I’d just add the notion of having the dinosaurs have feathers instead of scales, as it would reflect most recent discoveries about them.

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Cespinarve said on June 23rd, 2015 at 11:43 am

John, out of curiosity, you didn’t, uh… murder Chris and stash his body in a streetcar, did you? You’re not, say, a Jekyll and Hyde situation where you are now the dominant personality and MGK is screaming unheard in your subconscious?

I guess what I’m saying is that we don’t even get Torontoist notifications anymore. Does MGK still have anything to do with this blog or did you and CBS lead a hostile takeover for the sake of viral marketing the Amazing Race? (And, if so, can we negotiate for Christopher’s release? I’ve got a copy of volume 2 of Thieves and Kings, long out of print! Best Canadian Comic Ever made!)

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mygif

“I say go the opposite direction. Do the successful park story…..”

That would have required work, and brought risk.

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mygif

@Cespinarve: I’ve done nothing with Chris, I swear. He’s still tweeting as of an hour ago. :)

Honestly, I don’t know why he hasn’t been posting lately and I wouldn’t want to speak for him on this issue. I would assume that he’s been particularly busy, but that’s just a guess and shouldn’t be taken as anything more. All I know is that he invited me here to post something once a week so that when he’s too busy to post, there’s still something up on the site, so I’m going to do that until he takes away my access. :) If you want to know why he’s not posting, maybe ask him on Twitter?

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mygif

Murc, you could totally make that evacuation scenario work, even in a well-run park. The logistics of a normal theme park have to be staggering, let alone one that spans a whole island of dinosaurs. It’s like the original Taking of Pelham One Two Three, where Matthau barely leaves the station but it’s still tense as hell watching him navigate the realities of the system he’s working with.

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mygif

Have you ever heard of a BBC series called “Prehistoric Park”? Time traveler Crocodile Hunter Nigel Marvin brings dinos and more into the future, where the zookeepers and vets have to create suitable habitats and keep their charges from eating one another.

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DensityDuck said on June 24th, 2015 at 2:23 am

Heck, you could even do it as a found-footage series. Have everything be either “security camera” or “personal phone”.

*******

I think the thing about “all the park attendees escape and are safe” is part of the backlash against Man Of Steel and Transformers murdering entire cities. You saw it in Avengers 2 and Guardians and other recent sci-fi action films, the idea that they HAVE to show that ALL THE PEOPLE ARE OKAY.

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mygif

I would certainly watch/play in such a setting. Seems like there is a lot of room for interesting subplot from lost children to industrial spying.

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mygif

I blame you for my sudden desire to see a reboot of The Love Boat where dinosaurs occasionally break loose and eat the guest stars, and on season finales, some of the crew.

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mygif

OMG, I think this should be this week’s post. “Five Mash-Ups That Would Make ‘The Love Boat’ Vastly More Interesting”. :)

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Cespinarve said on June 26th, 2015 at 9:59 am

I’d like to see The Love Boat set onboard the Von Braun, with Xerxes as the wisecraking bartender.

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Pronoiac said on June 26th, 2015 at 12:35 pm

WordPress doesn’t seem to want to let me add pictures.

Huh, I’ll take a look at this.

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mygif

Image uploads are working for me, both with drag-and-drop and the “upload file” button. I’ll send you an email.

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