“CLARISSA”: Hi! I saw your blog mightgodkingdotcom and we think it’s great! We’d like to open up a dialogue where you would host a sponsored post about HOT AIR BALLONS. Do you think your readers would be interested in HOT AIR BALLONS? We would of course be willing to compensate you for hosting the sponsored post in the amount of twenty-five dollars. Please respond!
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“HARRY”: Hi, I make infographics, and in order to get more exposure I’d like to ask you to post my infographic! It’s about Black Panther! Looking at your blog I bet your readers would like an infographic about Black Panther!
MGK: *huh, this one seems targeted, at least, let’s look at it*
INFOGRAPHIC: Black Panther’ is a superhero appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. The character was created by writer-editor Stan Lee and writer-artist Jack Kirby, first appearing in Fantastic Four #52 (July 1966) in the Silver Age of Comic Books. Black Panther’s real name is T’Challa, king and protector of the fictional African nation called Wakanda. Along with possessing enhanced abilities achieved through ancient Wakandan rituals of drinking the heart shaped herb, T’Challa also relies on his proficiency in science, rigorous physical training, hand-to-hand combat skills, and access to wealth and advanced technology to combat his enemies. Black Panther is the first superhero of African descent in mainstream American comics, having debuted years before early African American superheroes such as Marvel Comics’ the Falcon (1969) and Luke Cage (1972) or DC Comics’ John Stewart in the role of Green Lantern (1971). The Black Panther storyline which ran through thirteen issues of the Jungle Action series (numbers six through eighteen) is considered to be Marvel Comics’ first graphic novel.
MGK: This is literally just the first two paragraphs of the Black Panther entry from Wikipedia combined with some stolen artwork.
“HARRY”: You don’t even have to post it yourself! Here’s an embedded link that you can copy and paste! We’ll compensate you if you do!
MGK: This is obviously a link to a phishing site.
“HARRY”: But I know what you really want to ask, and yes, we will compensate you!
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“CLARISSA”: Hi, Mighty Go King! I’m following up on my previous email about you hosting our sponsored post about HOT AIR BALLONS. I don’t want you to miss out on this opportunity!
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“GEORGE SCHMIDT”: hello I am an aspiring freelance writer and I would like to post on mightygodking dot com and i would like to send you a sample
MGK: *continues reading out of curiosity*
“GEORGE SCHMIDT”: this sample is about polo shirts, i will pay you ten dollars if you post it for me
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“CLARISSA”: Hello again! I didn’t hear back from you about out HOT AIR BALLONS proposal so –
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“MARK: I came across your blog site while looking for resources for our next blog and I knew I had to reach out immediately, kudos on a fantastic blog. My name is Mark and I do blogs for an online blogging company. Do you accept sponsored blogs? Is this something you would like to blog about? Blog you later!
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“LORI”: Would your readers be interested in entering into a contest where they could win fantastic prizes like quality undergarments! I bet they would, and all you have to do is host one sponsored blog post. Unlike all those other scammers offering sponsored content, we pay up front, and our contest is real. Don’t you owe it to your readers? Wouldn’t they be excited by a chance to win free undergarments, or purchase undergarments at a discount? I’m sure this will excite your readership and drive up your social media metrics!
MGK: *deletes email*

***

“CLARISSA”: Hello once more! I still haven’t heard back from you about our HOT AIR BALLONS blog proposal. I have been authorized to up our sponsorship offer to fifty dollars and I’m letting our network of blog contacts know about this excellent opportunity!
MGK: *furiously typing* You haven’t heard back from me because you are a waste of energy. Nigerian scammers have more fucking style from you. Me ignoring your seven other emails isn’t an invitation to send more, it’s me saying “fuck off” as politely as possible, and you’re not taking the hint. You are literally the embodiment of every commercial sentiment that makes the internet worse with every passing second that you exist. Nobody wants to read your shitty advertorial about ballooning. Nobody will ever read it. You are just creating a sea of endless chaff making it so much harder to get to the wheat that we all want. So, please, just fuck off. Also, “balloons” has two “Os.”

***

“CLARISSA”: Thanks for your feedback on my previous email! Obviously you are not interested in HOT AIR BALLOONS content. However, I note from your email that you appear to be interested in FARMING content. Would this be more to your liking? Let me know! For FARMING content we can offer one hundred dollars per post!

Last night, I took my son out to a revival of the…classic? Yes, let’s say classic, for a given value of the word…1980 ‘Flash Gordon’ movie. I was enjoying the heck out of it, as I do every time I watch it; the movie hits that exact sweet spot of camp and sincerity, where everyone knows what they’re doing is silly and they exaggerate all their performances but at the same time they’re treating the silliness of the material with respect. (My kid loved it too, although I was surprised to remember just how scary some of those scenes can be to a ten-year old.)

But as I was watching it, I started to notice that…well, look. There’s no way to be watching a film right now about a tyrannical, capricious madman who has grown decadent with a lifetime of power, treats women as playthings and concubines, and has an equally jaded and debauched daughter that he has a…complicated…relationship with, and not think of the current political climate. I found myself picturing Donald and Ivanka at the inauguration, watching the protesters, and Ivanka asking, “Why is water coming out of their eyes?” With Donald, of course, responding, “It’s what they call tears. It’s a sign of their weakness.”

Likewise, I’m pretty sure that Donald and Melania’s wedding vows actually included the line, “Do you, Donald the Merciless, Ruler of the Universe, take this woman Melania to be your Trumpess of the hour?” “Of the hour, yes.”

I’m not quite sure where everyone else fits into this prophetic scenario, though. Klytus seems to be pretty obviously Pence. It’s just possible he could be Bannon, but I don’t think Bannon’s that calculating. Kala is obviously Kellyanne Conway. Which would make Prince Barin…Jared Kushner? Definitely all the rulers of the kingdoms of Mongo are prominent Republicans who are being played against one another to keep them from uniting against Trump, but I’m not sure you can assign any particular role to any particular Prince. If nothing else, I just cannot fucking picture Paul Ryan shouting, “Representatives…DIIIIIIIIVE!” (But I can picture them responding to a request to team up against Trump with, “‘Team up’? What does that mean?”)

Of course, this is tremendously illuminating in terms of what it means for Trump’s plans for America. “…they won’t be the same human beings. They’ll be more docile. Tractable. […] Let’s just say they’ll be satisfied with less.” (I don’t know if the earthquakes and tidal waves will be literal, but given Trump’s stance on climate change I’m not yet willing to rule it out.)

On the other hand, it looks like there’s a distinct possibility that Mike Pence will be impaled on a bed of spikes sometime in the next four years, and Conway will literally melt. So we’ve got that to look forward to.

What does all this mean? I’m not sure. But if the quarterback for the New York Jets decides to run for President in four years, I’m voting for them even if it seems like political suicide. Because it’s not suicide, it’s a rational transaction.

(Also, if Trump does get re-elected, he probably shouldn’t do any appearances right in front of a big picture window. Just sayin’.)

Hello internetters, it’s Justin again, recently returned from a self-imposed comics blogging hiatus, and I wanted to talk to you about Marvel Comics. What are the odds, right?

I didn’t mean to leave it this long; I thought, within a week of my last post, I’d get the follow-up bashed out and posted, but it’s been—gosh, over a month. Why the delay? To find out the answer, I called myself up for an interview on the subject.

Hi, Justin, thanks for sitting down with us.

No problem, Justin.

You’re looking well.

That is a lie, and you know it, but I understand that you want to be polite. I will accept the compliment, insincere though it is.

Fine, let’s get to it. Last time, you said that you “have trouble really connecting with Marvel books these days.”

That is correct.

Are you reading any of Marvel’s current output?

No, actually.

Really? I would’ve thought Mark Waid writing an Avengers book would be an easy sell, at least. We love Waid, as I’m sure you know.

I know! I know. I did actually buy the first issue of All-New, All-Different Avengers. But I couldn’t really get into it. I tried out The Ultimates, too, because I hear such good things about Al Ewing, and the concept is neat.

So what’s wrong with the books that you’re not buying them?

Honestly? I think this is a case of, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

I don’t understand.

See, now we’re coming to why this post has been so long in coming. I’ve starting writing it a bunch of times, but I can’t seem to finish. I keep looking for a way into this post, and each way I’ve tried it so far has left me with a “Who farted?” grimace about my own ponderous thoughts. I thought maybe the interview format would help me get the words out of my head. You could ask questions and we could see how I arrived at my current attitudes.

Okay, I guess. So what do you mean by, “It’s not you, it’s me,” exactly?

Well, most people on the internet with Opinions About Comics like to believe that we are evaluating things based on solid, critical reasoning, right? “X is not good because Y.” And so, when “X” is a comic and it’s not good, you try to solve for “Y”.

You should have warned me you were going to use algebra. Okay, fine, what are some of these “Y” values?

I mean, there are a lot. For one, I don’t understand why writers don’t use narrative captions and thought bubbles like they used to.

“Balloons.”

Excuse me?

“Thought balloons,” not thought bubbles. John Byrne says—

Oh, never mind, the point is, these are fantastic narrative tools that are really only found in comic books, and people shun them now. I don’t understand why you’d cut yourself off from a tool that helps convey information quickly in a medium where space is at such a premium.

Watchmen doesn’t use narrative captions or thought balloons.

I guess. I mean, I suppose I understand if it’s a stylistic choice. But in the first years of the 21^st century, it became gauche to use them, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand why. But you’re right, ultimately it is just a choice. But it’s a choice I don’t like.

Have all the status quo shakeups over the past couple of years put you off?

Yeah. I mean, it’s like Peter Parker is Tony Stark, and Doctor Doom is Iron Man, and several different people are Captain America. Somebody else is Wolverine—it’s a very DC sort of way of doing things. The Fantastic Four aren’t around anymore. There are a bunch of different Avengers teams, and they don’t live in Avengers Mansion—this is a huge deal to me, actually. It all feels wrong.

Even the way the books look. The logos aren’t “comic booky.” There’s no corner boxes. Everyone’s costume seems over-rendered, with all the seams. Computer coloring can do some wonderful things, but I feel like it overpowers the line art sometimes, and line art is what I like about comic art, you know? Even the glossy paper. It just bugs me.

So…basically, it’s not like it was when you were a kid?

Basically, yeah. Basically.

Well, isn’t that kind of…I mean, that’s such a whiny thing to say.

That’s what I thought too! So I fought it for a long time. I thought, “Argh, these guys keep messing it up, they don’t know what they’re doing.” It had to be, right? I had all these “Y” values that I thought contributed to “X is not good.” And then one day, I realized—what if “X” is good, and “X” is simply not for me?

I feel like you’re losing the plot with this algebra thing. Can you explain it a different way?

I just mean that…the things that I like about superhero comics—specifically Marvel comics—aren’t what Marvel comics are about these days.

Well, what are the things you like about superhero comics? What is your platonic ideal of the genre?

Well, Bronze Age Marvel Comics, right? The Bronze Age is the best. Funnily enough, a big part of the reason I think that is because of Wizard magazine in the 90s. People just remember them rigging the speculator market and hyping the crap out of what we called “T&A” books at the time, but those dudes were raised on Bronze Age comics, and they wrote about how great Roger Stern’s Amazing Spider-Man run was, and the Paul Smith issues of Uncanny X-Men, and Walt Simonson’s Thor, and Byrne’s FF. It was actually a huge influence on my tastes.

Wizard. Really? That’s kind of embarrassing.

Yeah. Actually, could you strike that? I want that off the record.

Oh sure, I’ll edit that out. So you’d like modern comics if they were more like Bronze Age comics?

Well, sure, I would. But, here’s the thing. I could spend all my time complaining about how Marvel’s not doing it “right,” and whining that the books should be more like Bronze Age comics. Or, you know…I could just buy Bronze Age comics. There are literally thousands that I haven’t read, right? And if you go to Half-Price Books, you can actually get them cheaper than new comics. I filled out my Byrne FF run at Half-Price Books, most of them at only a dollar a pop.

But don’t you miss out on the “newness” of it? I mean, you know how the stories all end, basically.

I guess. It is kind of a bummer, but I don’t know, even new comics, I don’t feel emotionally attached to them, either, so it doesn’t matter. Like, when they kill someone off or whatever, or that thing with Steve Rogers being a sleeper HYDRA agent and everybody on the internet flipped out…it doesn’t bother me or make me angry. Even big retcons. Like, remember when they said Professor Xavier recruited a whole other team of X-Men between what we see in Giant-Size X-Men #1? That bugged me at the time, but it doesn’t anymore. To be honest, they don’t even take place in the same continuity.

What do you mean?

I have this idea about “the Marvel Universe,” which—to me—is a fictional spacetime continuum originating with Fantastic Four #1 in 1961 and collapsing in the first years of the 21^st century with New X-Men #114. (Arguably the end of Busiek’s Avengers run is the real “end” of the Marvel Universe, as I reckon it, but Morrison and Quitely’s first issue is a clearer line in the sand.) This “Marvel Universe” was a construct that, if you only chose to believe in it, allowed you to view forty years’ worth of comics created by hundreds of hands as a single, unbroken, internally consistent tapestry of events. It wasn’t really, but that was part of the game. That’s why they used to give out No-Prizes! Anyway, the current Marvel comics, I would argue, do not take place in this same “Marvel Universe,” but rather are comics based—loosely or otherwise—on this fictional history. I mean, all of Bendis’ retcons with the Illuminati—do any of those characters sound “right” in context? Do you believe that they really could have happened between the panels? So they are quite welcome to do whatever they like; it doesn’t affect what I consider to be the “real” stuff.

That’s not a criticism? It seems dismissive.

I really don’t mean it to be. You know, I meant what I said in my last post about how it’s great that different, more diverse audiences are getting into Marvel. Like, I’ve heard that young girls like Squirrel Girl. I don’t get Squirrel Girl—I mean, I get it, but it doesn’t speak to me. But like, maybe they shouldn’t have to cater to a thirty-two-year-old man all the damn time. So I actually have made my peace with it. None of this is actually a criticism of Marvel; it’s not me angrily insisting they’ve lost a loyal customer. It’s my deal that I don’t like the books. That’s what I mean by, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

But your tastes haven’t changed at all, it’s the tastes of the market. So it is the books that have changed, not you.

Well…maybe. But, you know, the last time they were doing things that felt “right” to me was the late 90s, and Marvel was bankrupt. (You know, Marvel did have a lot of good books in the late 90s, they just got overlooked in favor of the thirty million X-books they were publishing.) They probably wouldn’t be around today anyway if they kept pandering specifically to me and people like me.

So is that it for you, then? Are you never going to buy a new Marvel comic again?

No, I mean, I still read some things, in trade and such. Waid’s Daredevil run was great, really well done. I would even say I loved it. But I enjoy it in a different way than I enjoy what I narrowly define as a “Marvel comic.” Waid’s Daredevil and some random Bill Mantlo issue of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Man both hit the pleasure centers of my brain, but they’re totally distinct pleasure centers. I mentioned New X-Men—I think it’s probably the “best” X-Men comics have ever been…but they don’t really seem to be of a piece with, say, the Claremont/Byrne run, even when they’re explicitly referencing it. And I think I enjoy Claremont/Byrne more. And Joss Whedon’s run was, again, based on the Claremont/Byrne comics, but they don’t really “fit” if you put them side by side.

It still seems like you’re retreating into the past and not leaving yourself open to new things. Remember when you were a kid and you thought it was lame when adults didn’t like to try new music?

I have to be honest, I’m getting to that point about music, too. Part of this, I think, is being a parent of young children. When your day consists of HEY HEY WHAT IS IT WHY ARE YOU CRYING OH YOU WANT SOME JUICE OKAY HERE IS SOME JUICE OH YOU SPILLED THE JUICE GREAT JOB, you’re tired at the end of the day and maybe would rather have something comforting instead of spending your few free hours trying something you might not even like.

That is a chilling analysis of your life.

Well, the kids’ll get older and I’ll eventually get time back for myself. But the point is, I think it’s okay to say, “I like the old stuff better”…as long as you don’t insist that the old stuff is better, objectively, somehow. At the end of the day, you’re gonna like what you’re gonna like. I’m quite happy to dive through quarter bins for old comics, and I’m happy that people like the new comics. And I think if you out there in Blogland reading this feel the same way, that “They just don’t make ‘em like they used to, dammit,” that you should consider what it is you really want and whether forcing everyone into your own box is the best way to go about it.

That seems…healthy, I guess.

I think so. Unless you were being sarcastic.

Oh, I don’t even know anymore.

I was thinking the other day about how odd it is that political campaigns are treated mainly as conflicts in ideology, personality, and party affinity, when they’re basically job interviews…and before I could really get into that idea, even in the privacy of my own head, it struck me how absurd this political campaign has been in yet another way. Because I pictured Donald Trump interviewing for a job the same way he’s been running for President.

“Hi, it’s really great to be here, because I’m an amazing guy and I’m going to do a great job for you. Although I will say I’ve been treated very unfairly here–I mean, I don’t need this job. I’m very rich, I’m very successful, but all of my close personal friends have been saying how badly you’re running this business and how much you need me, so I decided to apply. And nobody here has given me the respect I deserve for that. But I’m a very big-hearted man, so I’ll let it go, but if you want me to continue this interview, you’re going to have to be more polite. That’s all I’m saying.

“Anyway, the point is, this business is gonna be yuuuge with me in charge. I’m a very smart man, I have great ideas, I’m going to build a big wall around your business to keep out all the riff-raff–you know, all the rapists and murderers that are just everywhere, and all the terrorists, I’m not gonna be afraid to say ‘radical Islam’ to your customers, your suppliers, pretty much everyone. I’m gonna be strong. Customers respect strength. If they bring in a coupon for 10% off, I might just decide to charge ’em double. Or kick ’em out of the building and kill their families. You can’t let people laugh at you. Everyone’s laughing at you right now, all of them, and you have to stop it.

“You should probably give guns to all your employees. Wouldn’t it be amazing if they were always armed, so they could defend themselves no matter where they went? I mean, in bars, while drinking, wherever. Guns are awesome. I have a gun, you know. I mean, I don’t need it, because everyone loves me, but if anyone did try anything, I could kill them. I’m very tough. Your other applicants, they don’t think I’m tough, they’ve been saying mean things about me, but that’s just because they’re all losers. Some of them, I think, should probably be in jail. But I’m not here to talk about them, because they’re all losers who should be in prison and I’m really the best candidate for this job.

“I’m the best candidate because I’m such a great businessman. I know everything about business. I ran a whole bunch of businesses, and I made money on all of them. Even the ones that went bankrupt. Some pathetic losers will make a big deal about all those bankruptcies, but they don’t know business the way I do and you don’t either. You probably need me to educate you in business. I run a few seminars, if you’ve got $45,000 to spare…but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about me. Because I’m a very smart guy, did I mention that? I’m very smart, I’m very successful, I’m very strong, and my fingers? Well, let’s just say there’s no problems there.

“I can already tell this interview is going great. I’m winning this interview. I’m winning it so much, I may just get tired of winning and quit the job before I even get it. I may decide once I have the job to hire someone to do the job while I get on with the important job of being me, which is very important because I’m such a great guy. I’m certainly going to make sure that once I get this job, everyone respects me. I’ll make it pretty damn tough on anyone who works here who doesn’t understand how great I am, believe me. That’s because I’m strong and I deserve respect.

“See, you’re calling for the security guards right now. I could kill them in the middle of Fifth Avenue and people would still love me–not that I would, but I could if I wanted to. I could also punch them, I’d really like to hit them but my good friends, they told me to let them drag me out of the building, they said that I needed to be the bigger man here, not like my enemies who should all be in jail because they’re losers, you should be kicking them out and not me, I’ll be back the next time you have a job opening, I know you’ll miss me…”

Everyone loves a good fan theory, right?

…um, right?

….can we just pretend they do, for the sake of my introductory spiel, here?

……..so some people on the Internet really love a good fan theory, while others are indifferent or unaware of them, and still others find them tedious and annoying. There are plenty of famous/infamous ones out there, like the Pixar Timeline, or Jar Jar Binks being Supreme Leader Snoke. But there are some fan theories out there that have gotten a little less traction. Let’s look at a few of them, shall we?

All of the extras in ‘Ghostbusters’ and ‘Independence Day’ are the same people, but the two stories don’t take place in the same fictional universe. They’re just crowds of gawkers who travel from one reality to another to watch crazy-ass shit happen.

Al Leong plays the exact same role in each of his movies, a wise and benevolent member of an alien species who has come to Earth to teach us universal peace and harmony. Unfortunately, they introduce themselves through their race’s traditional peaceful gesture of leaping into frame, brandishing weapons, and screaming loudly, and so are constantly gunned down by action heroes without a second thought.

‘Adventures in Babysitting’, ‘Home Alone’, ‘Mrs Doubtfire’, and the first two Harry Potter movies are all directed by Chris Columbus.

The peddler at the beginning of ‘Aladdin’ is really just making up the whole story to get you to buy his crappy merchandise, and Disney cut the scene at the end where ushers come into the audience pestering you to part with a little extra cash for some tchotchkes.

‘Highlander 2: The Quickening’ is a sequel to ‘Highlander’. (This is remarkably unpopular!)

John Cusack’s character in the disaster movie ‘2012’ is a time traveler, having come to 2012 from 1408 without having aged more than a few years.

All of the Marvel movies are linked in a variety of subtle ways, with characters such as Captain America, the Black Widow, Iron Man, Ant-Man, the Scarlet Witch, the Vision, Hawkeye, Thor, the Winter Soldier, and Nick Fury reprising their parts as “Easter Eggs” for the attentive viewer.

Soylent Green is actually made from people.

Will Smith pretty much plays the same part in every movie he ever did. (A similar fan theory exists regarding Jackie Chan and Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

Deckard is actually a telepath who can project his thoughts, but only in an unconvincing monotone.

’28 Days Later’ was originally written as a bleak, post-apocalyptic sequel to the film ’28 Days’, but after Sandra Bullock was recast as Cillian Murphy, they changed the character’s name.

Radagast the Brown was supposed to die in battle at the end of the third Hobbit movie and be reborn as Radagast the White, but Paul McGann was unavailable due to other filming commitments.

All of Pixar’s movies exist on my DVD shelf.

‘The Shining’ is really a movie about a hotel caretaker that goes insane and tries to kill his family.

‘The Abyss’, ‘Cyborg’, ‘Day of the Dead’, ‘Howard the Duck’, ‘Earth Girls Are Easy’, ‘Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome’, ‘Terminator’, ‘Real Genius’, ‘Night of the Comet’, ‘Short Circuit 2’, ‘Cocoon’, ‘Altered States’, ‘Back to the Future’, ‘Enemy Mine’, ‘Cherry 2000’, ‘Little Shop of Horrors’, ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ and ‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’ are all works of fiction created in the same decade and filmed for public consumption to varying degrees of critical and commercial success. And you can’t prove otherwise.

FLAPJACKS: How do we stop Trump? Oh god how do we stop Trump?
MGK: First off, how would “we” do anything like that?
FLAPJACKS: Don’t laugh. If we don’t stop Trump, we’ll have to move to Canada!
MGK: We already live in Canada.
FLAPJACKS: That makes it even worse because we know what it’s like here!
MGK: But that – oh, never mind.
FLAPJACKS: Thank god you’re finally on board with this. I have plans. Anti-Trump plans.
MGK: Okay, so let’s hear these plans.
FLAPJACKS: Okay. First plan: we tell all the people who like him that he is bad.
MGK: Probably won’t work.
FLAPJACKS: Why won’t it work? People don’t want to vote for bad people. Even other bad people generally want to vote for good people.
MGK: Yes, but –
FLAPJACKS: And there is a mountain of evidence that Trump is a bad person. I mean, the multiple bankruptcies, the multiple divorces, the fraud lawsuit he’s probably going to lose this year.
MGK: But the problem is is that saying Trump is “bad” is a value judgement. We’re talking about a political landscape where each side automatically takes the other side’s badness as a given, and distrusts the other side’s assertions implicitly. It’s quite possible that pro-Trump voters who might not themselves be actively racist are working themselves into a position where they believe accusations towards Trump of being racist are lies concocted by evil liberals.
FLAPJACKS: …so we think there are pro-Trump voters who aren’t racist, then?
MGK: I think it’s fair to say so, yes. Everybody likes pulling out those shocker polls like “twenty percent of Trump voters want to see slavery brought back” but it doesn’t follow that the remaining eighty percent are all thinking “yeah, slavery’s great but I can’t say it in public.” Trump is a white nationalist candidate by any reasonable yardstick, but it’s worth remembering that there are two clauses in that and “white” is only one of them.
FLAPJACKS: So you think there are some Trump voters who are racist, some who are racist AND nationalist, and some who are just nationalist?
MGK: I think that’s broadly accurate. You can quibble about the percentages, but let’s say for argument’s sake that one-third of Trump’s support is the non-racist nationalists – that’s where all his (small amount of) minority support comes from, for example.
FLAPJACKS: Plus white people who are generally well-meaning but are willing to give the racism a pass or are mentally minimizing its damage.
MGK: Exactly.
FLAPJACKS: But don’t you think Trump’s promises are effectively promises of a return to white supremacy?
MGK: Well, here’s the thing. Many of them are dogwhistles, and the point of a dogwhistle phrase in politics is to signal to people who know the context while not alarming the people who don’t know the context.
FLAPJACKS: But the dude said he would ban Muslims from entering the United States. That’s not a dogwhistle.
MGK: But the Mexican border wall thing is. If you’re prejudiced against Latinos, then it’s saying “we’re gonna show those Mexicans who’s boss.” But if you aren’t – at least not particularly – then it’s just a dramatic show of economic protectionism. And economic protectionism is the important thing, because that’s Trump’s real selling point.
FLAPJACKS: So you think “Make America Great Again” isn’t racist?
MGK: I think his use of it has been and is racist, but it can be interpreted in a non-racist light, which is enough for that chunk of his supporters who aren’t actively malicious towards non-whites. Because you can say “make American great again” in a non-racist way as well. You can make it mean “restrict free trade agreements which have seen offshoring of the majority of American manufacturing,” for example, pretty easily. Hell, if you want to go liberal with it, you can make it mean “restore union power and the social safety net.”
FLAPJACKS: I don’t think Trump’s going to come out as pro-union, though.
MGK: But he has been very clear that he wants to restrict free trade, and for a lot of lower-class voters that is a huge deal, because they think free trade has bitten them in the ass. Not unfairly, either, because many of the benefits of free trade are either relatively abstract. “Free trade incentivizes nations not to go to war” is broadly true, but if your job goes to a third-world country where labour costs are cheaper, the war you’re not involved in is not exactly great financial compensation on a personal level.
FLAPJACKS: So you’re saying support for Trump doesn’t necessarily indicate support for tacit racism, then?
MGK: It can and I would say the majority of it does. But you can’t concern yourself with the two-thirds of Trump’s vote (so far) who are racist. They are not votes you can reasonably affect or divert, except possibly to Ted Cruz, and that is possibly the only way you could get them to vote which would be worse, so concentrate on the Trump voters who might be reachable yet and the ones who might be tempted to flip to him despite the racist dogwhistling.
FLAPJACKS: Okay. I accept that pointing out that Trump is a bad racist person is not going to work. How about we go with plan two, which is “he is a silly person who says silly things”?
MGK: The racism wasn’t silly enough?
FLAPJACKS: I’m talking about going after his sense of gravitas now.
MGK: He’s kind of doughy. That’s true.
FLAPJACKS: Well, yeah, but I mean this meme that he’s a successful businessman and thus is good at everything. Because he’s not good at everything! He has tons of failed business ventures and he went bankrupt multiple times and –
MGK: – and he’s worth, even after you discount for his bullshitting about his personal worth, more than a billion dollars.
FLAPJACKS: But he’s being sued right now for Trump University!
MGK: And he’s worth more than a billion dollars.
FLAPJACKS: He started out with hundreds of millions of dollars! If he’d just invested it in bond index funds he’d be worth more money now!
MGK: But regardless, he’s worth more than a billion dollars.
FLAPJACKS: You keep saying that.
MGK: Because your argument is terrible. “Donald Trump should be even richer” is not going to make any Trump supporter blink, because Donald Trump is already worth an unimaginable amount of money. Does it make a gigantic difference if he should be worth ten billion dollars instead of two, or whatever the numbers work out to be? He’s still stupidly rich, and he’s worth more money than he started out with, and the “more money” is a stupidly large amount of money as well.
FLAPJACKS: Come to think: if he invested it all in bond index funds and made more money but didn’t have The Apprentice and own the Miss USA pageant and show up on pro wrestling and all of that, would anybody care?
MGK: Of course not. Is there anybody outside of a bunch of pundits hoping that Michael Bloomberg runs for President? No, and he was actually the mayor of New York City, but it doesn’t matter because he’s a boring rich man. He’s not who people fantasize about being when they are rich, because Bloomberg is still essentially a sober and responsible person. Trump does not give a fuck, and for a lot of his voters that’s a huge part of his appeal.
FLAPJACKS: Both because people wish they did not have to give a fuck and because his not giving a fuck suggests that he is politically independent of power brokers.
MGK: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: But that second one is stupid.
MGK: Yes to that too.
FLAPJACKS: Okay. So, given that you have no actual political campaign experience, how would you solve this conundrum?
MGK: Well, if you’re going to be pissy about it –
FLAPJACKS: No, no. I withdraw my snark. Please enlighten me.
MGK: Well, it’s a two-stage process. You need to both peel away those voters who can be peeled away from him and diminish his credibility with the rest to depress their enthusiasm.
FLAPJACKS: Didn’t Marco Rubio try that already, though? Actually, wait, I withdraw the question, because Marco Rubio is a half dozen small babies in a suit.
MGK: Exactly so! Marco Rubio is a wisp of gas just solid enough to create the illusion of a human being, much in the way that swamp gas makes people think UFOs are present.
FLAPJACKS: Marco Rubio is what happens when you try to give a loaf of whole wheat Wonder Bread sentience with a mad science experiment.
MGK: Marco Rubio is the sum of all of the prepositions in a Sweet Valley High novel.
FLAPJACKS: Marco Rubio is an extra from a scene in an unreleased David Mamet film whose only scene was cut out of the film anyway.
MGK: Marco Rubio is an anagram for “I, a broom cur” and I’m not sure if that’s insulting but it certainly deserves to be.
FLAPJACKS: Marco Rubio is a guy who screams “I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ” into his home-karaoke-machine mic.
MGK: Marco Rubio buys Brooks Brothers clothes to fit in, but in his heart, he always wants to wear a suit made of Jack Chick tracts and guns.
FLAPJACKS: …where were we again?
MGK: Right. So anyway, Rubio tried his best to attack Trump and came a little closer to managing it than people expected, not because his attacks were particularly top-notch but because it’s really actually very easy to attack Donald Trump, because he’s a hateful asshole who really isn’t anywhere near as competent as he constantly suggests. The “con artist” line Rubio kept using wasn’t quite ideal, but it was closer to the mark than most people have gotten.
FLAPJACKS: I hate to point this out, but Rubio got his ass kicked and Trump won most of the Super Tuesday states.
MGK: Well, yes, but that was as much because they only started attacking him a few days beforehand. Trump underperformed as compared to his polls in the majority of Super Tuesday states – mostly only by a few points, but the start of a decline could have meant something if they had started attacking him sooner. He likely lost Oklahoma and Alaska to Ted Cruz as a result of those poll drops and came close to losing Virginia to Rubio.
FLAPJACKS: Which is really kind of amazing when you think about it, considering we’re talking about Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio.
MGK: Plus there was John Kasich eating up about ten percent of the anti-Trump vote, and Trump’s second-choice numbers with Kasich voters are lousy – they aren’t game-changingly terrible with anybody else in the race, but they’re bad with Kasich voters.
FLAPJACKS: So “con artist” is the way to go?
MGK: Kind of? I think it’s more important to emphasize Trump’s general lack of competence outside of his comfort zone. Say “yeah, he can really work the refs in his favour. What happens when he’s the ref?” Which is kind of a lousy analogy but I think you get the general idea. The reason Trump is not destitute right now is because of the technicalities of U.S. bankruptcy law saving his ass.
FLAPJACKS: Do you mention Trump Steaks and Trump Air and all of those?
MGK: Yeah, but as sidelines. You really hit him on the casinos, you say “this guy couldn’t even successfully manage a casino, where the business model is just sitting there and watching people bring you money.”
FLAPJACKS: Well it seems like beating Trump is relatively easy!
MGK: Except that it isn’t. Attacking him in the right way is only part of the equation, and the other part is the reason why the GOP hasn’t been able to truly dent him.
FLAPJACKS: We’re going back to the economic populism, aren’t we.
MGK: Oh, yes. That’s Trump’s greatest strength. The only other person talking about Trump’s economic issues, even vaguely so, is Bernie Sanders – which explains a lot about those annoying subspecies of Berniebros who say things like “if Hillary gets the nomination I’m voting Trump.” Yes, that’s mostly them being douchebags, but there’s a serious undercurrent there that really shouldn’t be ignored.
FLAPJACKS: But I really want to ignore them.
MGK: I get that.
FLAPJACKS: I mean I really, really want to ignore them.
MGK: Understood. But that undercurrent is still there and it matters, and Hillary Clinton is particularly ill-equipped to fight it. That doesn’t mean she can’t, but it requires taking some policy positions that she might not like.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t think Hillary Clinton’s going to say “let’s end our free trade agreements and build a wall against Mexico.” She might be politically cynical but she’s not that cynical.
MGK: I agree.
FLAPJACKS: Besides, would anybody believe her if she said she was gonna do that?
MGK: No, but she doesn’t have to. The trick is to take populist positions that work with a centre-left view. Like, if the problem is “American companies moved/are moving manufacturing overseas because of cheaper labour costs,” you don’t have to argue for ending free trade agreements, because free trade agreements aren’t the only way to deal with that. You could say “we’re going to regulate and inspect companies who move overseas and make sure they provide safe and humane working conditions, and don’t hire child labour, and suddenly it won’t be so cheap for them to leave America.” You could say “we’re going to tax any company which offshores itself to a friendlier tax regime so hard there won’t be anything left when they leave.” You can say “we’re going to enforce immigrant labour laws so businesses can’t hire illegal labour on the side and force them to pay fair wages.” Those are all left-wing responses to actual bread-and-butter economic issues that affect working-class people.
FLAPJACKS: I get it. You peel off the Trump voters with left-wing nationalism that isn’t racist. You could say “we’re going to build that wall, but with union labour and we’ll put lots of big hearts on it so people know they’re still loved even as they’re walled out.”
MGK: Not really.

(Previously. Two. Three. Four.)

Recovering from a migraine, so creativity just ain’t happening (I know, I know, what else is new) but here’s a blog post I did back in 2009 on my own blog, ‘Fraggmented’, inspired by a joke in the Cinematic Titanic release “Blood of the Vampire”. (And as an aside, if you’re at all a fan of MST3K, consider giving to their Kickstarter?)

Now, gentlemen, allow me to welcome you to Fisticuffs Society. The first rule of Fisticuffs Society is: It is impolite to discuss Fisticuffs Society.

The second rule of Fisticuffs Society is: It is EXCEEDINGLY impolite to discuss Fisticuffs Society.

Third rule of Fisticuffs Society: Should a gentleman request disengagement from fisticuffs, whether verbally or through some form of hand signal…or in the event of incapacity…the other gentleman must desist immediately from battle.

Fourth rule: It would be inconsiderate for more than two gentleman to engage in a single bout.

Fifth rule: It would also be inconsiderate to engage in a bout of fisticuffs while other gentlemen are doing so.

Sixth rule: A gentleman disdains the wearing of anything other than proper attire while engaging in bare-knuckle fisticuffs–this implies full dinner dress, gentlemen. Anything else would be quite uncivilized. And I should not even need to mention that the use of weaponry is quite, quite unsporting.

Seventh rule: Naturally, no member of Fisticuffs Society should even dream of interrupting Fisticuffs Society due to other obligations; please clear your calendar for the evening in order to ensure that bouts can continue as long as they are obliged to continue.

And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first time at Fisticuffs Society, etiquette requires that you engage in a bout of fisticuffs yourself.

I did promise that I’d be providing you with content every week in between Race posts, because as much as I love writing them and as much as some of you love reading them there’s definitely a contingent of people who want something to break up the string of Race-related posts and I don’t blame them.

That said, I didn’t promise it would always be new content. So here’s an old post of mine from my own blog, Fraggmented, that I liked a lot and figured people might not have seen. Enjoy!

The LucasFilm Sale: How It All Went Down

(SCENE: A BOARDROOM AT LUCASARTS, MAY 2011. A KEY EXECUTIVE IS SITTING AT A TABLE, ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE ARRIVAL OF HIS BOSS.)

(GEORGE LUCAS ENTERS.)

LUCASARTS EXECUTIVE: Hello, sir. You said you had some big news for me?

LUCAS: Very big. I think this could be the biggest thing for this company since 1999.

EXEC: You mean…we’re…?

LUCAS: Exactly.

EXEC: Episode Seven?

LUCAS: Huh? Oh, that. Um, yeah, I have a few ideas I’ve been tossing around. No, I’ve been thinking about new revenue streams for the company. I mean, the movies have always sold well, but eventually we hit saturation on that. People have the originals, they have the Special Editions, they have them on video and DVD and Blu-Ray, and they’ve all seen them in the theater a couple dozen times on top of that. It’s the ancillary revenue streams that keep us in dough, you know that.

EXEC: Um, but Episode Seven would be a new film. They’d want to see that.

LUCAS: But you have to spend money making it, first! Millions of dollars scouting locations, hiring actors, putting them into mo-cap suits so that you don’t actually have to see them on-screen when you’re done…arranging all those pixels into fake aliens costs money, you know. And when you’re all finished, what do people do? Complain that you didn’t do it right and decide not to see it another sixteen times! No, if we’re going to do this, we have to make sure it’s profitable before the first ticket sold. Like ‘Phantom Menace’. That’s where my idea comes in.

EXEC: More merchandising, sir? I’m really not sure there’s anywhere else to go with that. We’ve sold ‘Star Wars’ action figures, ‘Star Wars’ video games, ‘Star Wars’ tissues, ‘Star Wars’ muffin tins…we sold that candy that made you french-kiss Jar Jar Binks! I don’t think we can really put the logo on anything else, not unless you’re willing to sell ‘Star Wars’ toilet paper.

LUCAS: Hmm. Actually, write that one down. But no, I was thinking along the lines of advertising tie-ins.

EXEC: Kids’ meals, drink cups, that sort of thing? I mean, I’m sure we can round some up, no problem, but–

LUCAS: You’re not thinking big enough. Ever watch any sports?

EXEC: Well, um…yes, but–

LUCAS: Not me. Never really had the interest. Not enough CGI. But one of my kids had on a basketball game last night, and do you know where those guys play? Staples Center.

EXEC: …um…

LUCAS: “STAPLES” Center! Don’t you get it? The guys at Staples paid big bucks just to get a building named after them! I looked it up! It’s like, millions of dollars! And I was thinking.

EXEC: OK, maybe we should do a little less of that–

LUCAS: Naming rights! How many of those damned aliens do we stick in the background of each shot? Twenty? Thirty? And every freaking one has an action figure, its own novel tie-in, and something like three comic book series about them! And we’ve just been naming them after our friends and stupid inside jokes! All this time, we’ve had a frigging gold mine right under our noses, and we haven’t touched it!

EXEC: I’ll be honest, sir, this sounds–

LUCAS: Brilliant? Lucrative? Like the future of cinema? Here, I’ve drawn up designs for a few new characters. That’s Wal-Martto, he’s going to be a wacky alien sidekick who does all the bargaining for the heroes. This, this is Darth Verizon. He’s going to be a villain, but a “cool” one. Over here is Starbuck, a new Rebel pilot who loves to fly with the kind of energy only a Chai Latte can give you. And…you’re giving me a look. What’s the look?

EXEC: Well, first off, Starbuck is already a pilot in another series.

LUCAS: I know! And they didn’t charge a dime! Don’t worry, I’ve got a product placement deal going with the BSG people. We’ll get twice the money for the same character, and they’ll get a free ad for their DVD boxsets. It’s win-win…you’re still giving me the look.

EXEC: It’s just that…I mean, doesn’t this kind of cheapen our franchise? I think the fans will see it as kind of, well…lame.

LUCAS: They didn’t complain about Sio Bibble, Salacious Crumb or Elan Sleazebaggano. I think if we can get away with Elan Sleazebaggano, we can get away with Darth Verizon.

EXEC: …OK. Look, George. How much would it cost to get you to not make this movie at all? Or any movies? Ever?

LUCAS: I dunno. Four billion dollars?

EXEC: Let me get Disney on the phone.

(Disclaimer: All kidding towards Lucas aside, I’ll be honest; I really only did this because I wanted to get the name “Wal-Martto” down in print somewhere.)

A long time ago, I discussed briefly my circa-2005 ideas for rebooting Impulse with a new character, as Bart was Flash and Wally was dead (followed, of course, by Wally being Flash and Bart being dead. They trade off every so often.) One of the stories I really wanted to do featured another Teen Titan, the extremely short-lived Young Frankenstein, who made exactly one appearance in the “World War III” mini-series before dying when Black Adam ripped his arms off. (He got better in time for “Final Crisis”, but still hasn’t been what you’d call a major character.)

I wanted to use him for two reasons: One, death should be no impediment to a character who’s a walking reanimated corpse, and two, THERE IS A CHARACTER NAMED “YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN” IN THE DC UNIVERSE AND NOBODY HAS MADE A MEL BROOKS JOKE ABOUT HIM. So my idea was that Impulse would be fighting a mad scientist who was working on (among other things) making an army of undead soldiers, and she’d help free Young Frankenstein from his lab, where he was being studied in hopes of extracting the secret of his resurrection. And Impulse, on hearing his name, simply would not be able to let it go. She’d keep calling him “Fronkensteen”, referring to herself as Eyempulse, and yes, there would be a scene where they fought mutant wolves so that when Young Frankenstein shouted, “Werewolf!” she could reply back with “There!” And the whole time, Young Frankenstein is just giving her the blankest looks ever, but she simply cannot stop herself because she is teaming up with Young Frankenstein, and really, could you?

And at the end, after they defeat the mad scientist and prepare to go their separate ways, she’d say, “See you around, Young Fronkensteen.” And he would rear up to his full height and shout, at the top of his lungs, “MY NAME…IS FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!!” And Impulse’s eyes would get huge and terrified, and she’d begin to apologize…before realizing just what he’d said. She’d shout, “Hey, wait a second!” but he would already be off, singing to himself, “When you’re blue and you don’t know, where to go to why don’t ya go, where fashion sits….PUUUN ANNA RISS!”

I may just be weird, but it still gives me a chuckle.

I’m probably showing my age when I say that ‘The Love Boat’ was practically ubiquitous when I was a kid. Even if you didn’t make an effort to watch it, it seemed to run in some sort of bizarre, perpetual loop that meant you always wound up catching at least a half an episode here or a few minutes there. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it was one of those weird “Why does anybody watch this?” shows that somehow ran for nine seasons, about a cruise ship called the Pacific Princess, its crew, and the weekly guest stars who found love on the eponymous boat. You could design something more clearly intended to function as comfort viewing and visual wallpaper, but it’d be hard.

And last week, in the comments on my suggestion for a “Jurassic World” series, TrishEM suggested a ‘Love Boat’ reboot with velociraptors. And I have to say, not to diss a readership that is smart and funny and great commenters, but it’s gonna be hard to top that one. In fact, it led me to a whole series of ideas about how to improve the formulaic, generic ‘Love Boat’ simply by mashing it up with some of the other TV shows out there. To wit:

1) The Jurassic Boat. After the failure of Jurassic Park and Jurassic World, no country in the world is willing to host a dinosaur theme park due to potential fears of escaping animals wreaking havoc. So InGen solves two problems at once, creating a floating theme park that cruises in international waters. Each week, a new bunch of guest stars comes to the boat in search of romance, thrills, and adventure! Guessing game for the series: Which guest star will get eaten by raptors this week?

2) Vicki the Vampire Slayer. The Pacific Princess is one of the more…unusual cruise ships out there. It always embarks and disembarks after sunset, it has a full range of 24-hour activities, the cabins all have shutters to block out the sunlight…and it has the highest “fatal accident” rate of any cruise line in the world. Vicki, daughter of ship’s captain Merrill Stubing, finally learns what ties all these things together when she is approached by the ship’s bartender, Isaac, and told that she is a Chosen One–a Slayer. Isaac is her Watcher, and is here to train her in the art of fighting vampires; the Pacific Princess is secretly run by and for vampires who want to travel without risking daylight, and most of the passengers are there as a ready supply of food. She must protect the mortal passengers, slay the vampires, and never let the truth about her identity get out (lest she be kicked off the ship). Guessing game for the series: Which guest star is going to get bitten in the first act?

3) Love the Walking Dead. The Pacific Princess is on a cruise when word comes to them that a strange disease is infecting people on land, causing them to reanimate as flesh-eating zombies. Each week, the crew must find ways to embark and get priceless supplies and rescue survivors, all while avoiding the hordes of undead. Guessing game for the series: Which guest star will get eaten by zombies first?

4) Love Trek. All aboard the Pacific Space Princess for a tour of the galaxy! See the sights, romance the beautiful aliens, and avoid the horndog captain who seems to mack on a new guest star each week! Guessing game for the series: Which guest star will not be making it back from their stops at each port of call? (Hint: It’s the one wearing the red shirt.)

5) Breaking Boat. When Gopher is diagnosed with cancer by Bernie Kopell, he decides to make some money for his family by starting a meth lab with Julie in the ship’s lower decks. Their illicit drug dealing ring gradually brings them further and further into a sordid world of brutality and murder, forcing Gopher to take ever-harsher measures to protect his secrets and his money. Once he’s in…can he ever get out? Guessing game for the series: Will it end in an orgy of violence and rough justice, as each character gets his or her karmic retribution, or do we live in an essentially amoral universe where the good sometimes suffer and the bad sometimes go unpunished?

DATELINE, HOLLYWOOD, CA: The entertainment industry was hit with devastating news today, as the Writers Guild of America, West (the premier screenwriters’ union in Hollywood) announced that virtually everything that could be weaponized by fictional terrorists, madmen, and power-mad dictators had, in fact, already been weaponized. The remaining list of things known to have not been weaponized in film or television is being kept a carefully guarded secret at this time, but it is rumored to include cornflakes, laundry detergent, barbecue sauce, the collected poetry of ee cummings, a 1972 Ford Pinto, the ABBA single “Dancing Queen”, and the mortal remains of Telly Savalas.

Said one screenwriter, under conditions of anonymity, “I blame MGM. The Bond films have been weaponizing all sorts of damn crap over the years, from orchids to financial forecasts to experimental fuels. They had to have known that the stockpiles of everyday things that we could make scary by announcing the bad guy has ‘weaponized’ it couldn’t last forever, but they kept going. Now I’m stuck with trying to convince Morgan Freeman to stand in front of a crowd of extras pretending to be White House reporters and announce that Libya has fucking weaponized cornflakes? It’s not going to work, dammit.”

Later that day, the screenplay ‘Flake Fury’ sold for 1.2 million dollars. Morgan Freeman is reportedly interested in the part.

Still others point the finger at television. “Oh, yeah, we weaponized the shit out of…everything, man,” one producer said after advising he did not want his name used. “Weaponized lighter fluid, weaponized bird flu, weaponized iPhones–fuck, we weaponized every single product Microsoft and Apple put out in the last five years, and that was just on last week’s CSI: Cyber! I don’t know what we’re going to do when the stuff on the list runs out.”

There is some hope, though. “We’ve been discussing re-weaponizing things that have already been weaponized,” said a spokesperson for WGA West. “We believe that if something is in large supply, then we can make a plausible case in the story that even though it was previously weaponized, the amount of it not under lock and key will be great enough that someone can get hold of it and weaponize it all over again.” The announcement appeared to relate to a new series that will be premiering in the fall, set in Washington DC, where a small group of sinister plotters have ground the government to a standstill by weaponizing stupidity.

As I’m sure you’re at least dimly aware if you read this blog, Marvel is…decidedly NOT rebooting the Marvel Universe! Because Marvel never does that! That’s the sort of thing DC does, heh heh heh. We’d never ever do a ‘Crisis’ style reboot, not when we can just mush all of the parallel universes together and then pull them apart into a new continuity! It’s totally not the same thing HEY LOOK A RARE THREE-BILLED WOODPECKER! **runs away**

(Or so I imagine Editor-in-Chief Axel Alonso saying.)

The point is, we’ve got a new Marvel Universe coming up, one which is totally going to make sense and be internally consistent and not be an attempt to bury any bad decisions they might have made under the rug, and I for one am looking forward to it! But as a fan, of course, I have a deeply-held sense of entitlement that must be catered to, and as such I have certain very particular expectations for the new Marvel Universe. I am setting down my demands now, with the implied threat that I will go on Internet message boards and declare for all to hear that the new comics “suck”. (This is not an idle threat, Marvel.) To wit:

1) Starlord needs to get his own pack of semi-tame velociraptors. Actually, come to think of it, while I’m not demanding that every Marvel character get their very own pack of semi-tame velociraptors, I wouldn’t say no to it.

2) New series: The Amazing Chipmunk Hunk. Additional new series: The Spectacular Chipmunk Hunk. Possible additional new series: Nuts of Chipmunk Hunk? (Maybe not that last one. We’ll discuss it.)

3) Bring back the Sentry. Then kill him off again, in an even more painful and ignominious fashion.

4) Bring back the Spider-Marriage. Then bring back Gwen Stacy and have her marry Peter too. Then have Betty Brant, Liz Allan, Felicia Hardy and Deb Whitman all marry him as well due to a series of wacky misunderstandings, turning the series into an anime-style harem comic.

5) Grumpy Old Wolverine should have a new series where he’s joined by an angel (not Warren Worthington, an actual angel) and they travel the American Heartland learning lessons about sharing and kindness.

6) A monthly comic that is entirely Kamala Khan’s illustrated fan-fiction about the Marvel Universe. Wouldn’t that be so awesomely meta that you’d freak?

7) Less Deadpool. Maybe knock it down to six, seven appearances a month, tops?

8) More alternate reality Gwen Stacies. In specific, I demand the Uncanny X-Gwen, the Gwenvengers, and Gwenpool. (She can be one of the six or seven.) Also, look into some sort of Spider-Gwen/Spider-Ham mashup? Just brainstorming here.

9) New series: ‘Shirtless Loki’. Not for me, but I know a few fans who’ve been asking for it.

Last but not least:

10) Look, would it kill ya to bring back US-1? I got a feeling that Citizens Band radio is coming back in a big way, here. Maybe include Razorback as a supporting character for added sizzle.

The Race recap is being delayed slightly this week due to its size (two hours long, six-day workweek, doesn’t mix) but I thought I might tide you over with some funny pictures. Take it away, BATMAN!

continue reading "Looking Forward to the Race Recap? YOU WILL."