Recently got a couple more requests to repost the Sally Floyd/Captain America remix I did years ago, and the truth is that I don’t have both pages any more; I’ve only got the second page, courtesy of Edward Saul.

For those who never saw the first page: basically Sally Floyd says that Captain America is irrelevant because he doesn’t have a Myspace and doesn’t watch American Idol. (No, really, she makes those exact references. Three years later, Myspace is a backwater zombie site and American Idol doesn’t have Simon any more, which just makes her point even stupider.)

Hello again, and welcome to another installment of “Looking Back at Comics”! This week, we’re going to take a look at the 1990s. Everyone who was around during the 90s now looks back at the era through a lens of somewhat sheepish embarrassment; although it was easy to get caught up in the hype and excitement of an era that was all about flash and excess. Even the covers of the 90s were big and flashy: Comic books back then artificially raised their value through so-called “variant covers” that the company hyped as being worth more than the regular ones. Fortunately, modern comics have completely ditched the variant cover craze and…um…well, except…I mean, those are legitimately rarer! And they aren’t shiny!

But it wasn’t just the covers that made the 90s so ludicrous. Those fancy variant covers frequently adorned comics that had over-hyped “shock” storylines. Who can forget the so-called “Death of Superman”, a story that actually got play in regular newspapers because foolish reporters actually believed that the character was going to permanently die! Of course, less than two years later, Superman was back, but fans at the time treated the mock “death” as real and vehemently debated the merits of replacing him with a grim and gritty cyborg version of the character. Thankfully, we’d never see a grim and gritty cyborg character replacing an iconic American…um…let’s move on. Let’s just move on.

To the villains! Yes! That’s certainly an era where the 90s got downright silly! They loved nothing more than to make good guys go bad and villains reform, simply for the shock value of seeing them change sides! You’d get absurdities like Iron Man turning against the Avengers and Venom becoming a good guy…crap. The point is, we’ve learned from the 90s. Definitely.

Because we wouldn’t have such an excess of grim, dark, anti-heroes. Back in the 90s, it was almost de rigeur to have “grim and gritty” heroes show up like Darkhawk, Night Thrasher, and Lobo. Back then, they even had a “Dark Speedball” character! Of course, at least they were self-aware enough to make it a joke, instead of actually trying to sell the character as an actual deep and meaningful character moment. I mean, come the fuck on! “Penance”? Who were they thinking this would appeal to? Speedball fans who said to themselves, “Hey, I love Speedball, but he’s not enough of an emo prick!” Or perhaps comics fans who said, “I dunno, I really like emo pricks, but none of them have the name recognition that would make me take a chance on them!” …sorry, breaking character there. The point is, Dark Avengers, Dark Wolverine, Dark X-Men, and Dark Reign are entirely different from Force Works and X-Force. And X-Force is entirely different from X-Force, too. Just like Fantastic Force is different from Fantastic Force. Because it’s not the 90s anymore.

What changed to break comics out of the 90s mindset? The arrival of Joe Quesada, that’s what! Quesada put an end to the numberless spin-off titles that were diluting the brand identity of Marvel’s classic titles (like X-Factor, X-Force, et cetera) and ended the practice of frequent, pointless crossovers that was eroding reader loyalty. Without that, it’s doubtful that Marvel would have survived to hit the motherlode of movie adaptations that have become the company’s financial lifeline. Yes, Joe Quesada’s innovations ushered in an era of true greatness at Marvel.

I wonder if he remembers what they were…

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

BIGWIG: We have a problem, gentlemen. Looking at our upcoming slate I see nothing that will be in 3D.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Actually, I -
BIGWIG: I know, One, but I looked into it and the technology to properly make Pogo Ball: The Movie In 3D is still five years away.
FIRST: Awwwww.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Didn’t you say that five years ago?
BIGWIG: It wasn’t going to be in 3D then. Surely Pogo Ball deserves nothing less than the best we have to offer.
FIRST: I guess. I mean, who would want a Pogo Ball movie to be bad?
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: The Internet.
BIGWIG: Who cares about the Internet? I remember the Snakes on a Plane fiasco. Have you already forgotten the lesson of Five?
THIRD: No. No, I haven’t.
BIGWIG: Right. People have heard Samuel L. Jackson say “motherfucker” many times already. They are not willing to pay for that experience again. They will gladly accept it as a bonus, but that is it. Where was I?
FIRST: Pogo Ball!
BIGWIG: Yes. And no. So what ideas do you have for our 3D slate?
SECOND: I’ve got a beach volleyball flick we could post-convert to 3D. Imagine the titties.
THIRD: That’s not a movie. That’s some home video you took. Without permission.
SECOND: It works when Joe Francis does it.
FIRST: Oh oh oh! I have an idea! Let’s do a monster movie in 3D!
THIRD: That’s actually not a bad idea.
BIGWIG: Indeed. What monster movie will we remake in glorious three-dimensional spectacle?
FIRST: We could make our own brand new monster movie.
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid.
SECOND: Godzilla?
BIGWIG: That’s locked up for another decade.
FIRST: King Kong?
BIGWIG: Too soon.
SECOND: Dracula?
BIGWIG: Too played.
FIRST: Frankenstein?
BIGWIG: No Universal monsters.
SECOND: Freddy Krueger?
BIGWIG: No.
THIRD: Piranha. The rights are available.
BIGWIG: Can we make it work in 3D?
THIRD: Fish swimming straight at the viewer?
BIGWIG: Sounds possible. I believe this idea is suitable, but we need to be sure we can film it cheaply.
SECOND: I know some locations in Arizona that owe me a favor.
THIRD: Arizona?
SECOND: Are you going to be all “a bloo bloo bloo what about the Mexicans” because last I checked we want to make these movies cheaply.
THIRD: First, you’re a horrible person.
FIRST: What?
THIRD: No, not you. I mean he’s a horrible person and I have more than one thing to say.
FIRST: Oh, that’s okay then.
THIRD: The more important thing is that we are talking about a killer fish movie and you just suggested that we film it in a desert.
SECOND: Arizona has lakes.
THIRD: It has man-made lakes. How are we supposed to spring killer fish on people with man-made lakes? They stock the lakes themselves!
SECOND: I dunno. Mad scientist. Geez, why do you gotta be picky?
FIRST: Ooo ooo ooo I know! It’s not a mad scientist! There was an earthquake, and it opened up a fissure to the ocean!
A pause.
THIRD: But Arizona is very far away from the ocean, you know -
BIGWIG: No, no – this could work. Zoological oddity, sort of a thing. Works better than the mad scientist idea.
SECOND: Hey!
BIGWIG: Now, now, Two. This movie is nearly there, but it needs your special something to make it work.
SECOND: Here in front of everybody?
THIRD: He means an idea.
SECOND: Oh. Well, see, I like the idea of killer fish, but if you’re going to have killer fish, why not have tons of college girls in bikinis for the killer fish to eat? We just take that whole plot from Jaws and put it into our movie. Except instead of stupid boring families, we have college girls in bikinis.
BIGWIG: That seems like an excellent way to add tension and also to rack up the body count when we need to do so.
FIRST: And then the killer fish can fight the town sheriffs! And the town sheriffs will be all “HAH TAKE THAT YOU KILLER FISH” and they shoot them and stuff but then the killer fish are all BWAAMMMMMM and they jump out of the water and kill people and the town sheriffs have to fight them hand-to-hand! And then the piranhas make a giant whirlpool to suck people down into the water so they can eat them!
THIRD: That makes no sense whatsoever.
BIGWIG: But will it look good in 3D?
THIRD: Does anything look good in 3D?
BIGWIG: No, but will people believe it looks good?
THIRD: …you realize his eyes have glazed over because he’s imagining the climactic fish-sheriff fight, right?
BIGWIG: We’ll send him down to the storyboarding room later on. It’s more profitable to us then sending him into therapy.
FIRST: …and then Christopher Lloyd says “gadzooks!”…

1.) The voice shouting “He my nun!” on Midnite Vultures track ”Hollywood Freaks” is actually a sample of David Duchovny.

2.) Did a guest voice on an episode of Animaniacs under a pseudonym.

3.) An early version of Guero contained a track called “Octorok Motherf****r” that has never been released.

4.) Big fan of the comic strip “Pickles.”

5.) It is not known whether the reason is physical or psychological, but he is incapable of hitting a C# in any octave; only skillful use of Auto-Tune conceals this.

6.) Favorite book: The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton.

7.) Featured in an episode of Bosom Buddies at age 11 as Sonny’s bratty nephew who stumbles onto Kip and Henry’s ruse and threatens to rat them out if they don’t take him to a baseball game.

8.) The one and only time he has ever eaten olives was Christmas 1991, and there is a good reason he has never done so since.

9.) All of his songs are originally composed on a steam calliope, and it totally makes sense if you think about it.

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

BIGWIG: Shareholders these days are worried about investments in star vehicles that are unproven commodities. Therefore, I have decided that all of our projects for the next six months will come from one-word trademarked items with significant visibility. One, begin development on “Cable,” “Hilton,” and “Steakums.”
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: You know, “Popeye” is only one word and it’s a visibility.
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I think you mean “trademark.”
FIRST: No, I mean “Popeye.” Who would go to see Trademark: The Movie?
BIGWIG: Adventurous idea, One. Three, shop Trademark: The Movie around to indie directors. Maybe Spike Jonze can do something that ironic hipsters will enjoy.
THIRD: Am I shopping anything else around? “Alka-Seltzer,” perhaps?
BIGWIG: That is technically two words, as is “Pepto-Bismol.” However, see what you can do with “Xantac.”
FIRST: Oooooh ooooh make it a robot! With laser vision! I’ll trade you “Steakums” for it!
BIGWIG: No trades. Three, you will also get “Oz.” I recommend combining the HBO prison drama with the Baum books. That way, we get two audiences at once.
THIRD: That’s… actually interesting.
BIGWIG: You’re welcome. Now, you’re going to help Two out on his assignment.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Oh, come on. Is this is because of what happened with Anne Hathaway?
BIGWIG: This is exactly because of what happened with Anne Hathaway.
FIRST: I hear she still walks with a limp.
SECOND: It wasn’t my fault she crashed that Porsche into that other Porsche that the drug dealer was driving at us at full speed because I convinced him that baking soda was cocaine.
BIGWIG: Nonetheless. Two, you have “Pledge,” “Tweety,” and “Marmaduke.”
SECOND: Okay, I get that Pledge is clearly a movie about sorority hazing involving floor wax, and Tweety is a sex comedy involving Twitter in some fashion, like maybe Kate Hudson is a girl who’s afraid of commitment and loves shoe shopping, so she breaks up with guys via Twitter while she goes shoe shopping, but then she falls in love with a hunky programmer who works for Twitter -
THREE: There are hunky programmers?
SECOND: We can get Dane Cook to play one.
THREE: Of course.
SECOND: But what the hell am I supposed to do with “Marmaduke”? Nobody loves Marmaduke if they’re under the age of eighty. I mean, I like some questionable things, sure, but even I don’t like Marmaduke.
FIRST: I don’t like it either.
SECOND: There you go! See? The guy who wrote most of Anthony Anderson’s dialogue in Kangaroo Jack is too intellectual for Marmaduke. This one is impossible, boss. I say we give it to Uwe Boll and back away slowly.
BIGWIG: We spent a lot of money acquiring the rights to make Marmaduke. Stop whining and come up with a multimillion-dollar film franchise. What do I pay you for again?
SECOND: …can we have Marmaduke have sex with a lady?
BIGWIG: No.
SECOND: Okay, I’m out of ideas.
THIRD: Wow, you didn’t even mention whores once.
SECOND: I know!
FIRST: I have an idea!
(A pause.)
BIGWIG: Yes…?
FIRST: Let’s have Marmaduke talk! That’s what brings this movie into the 21st century! He can be all “I’m a dog, and I’m talking.”
BIGWIG: Does he talk to humans, or to animals, or to the audience, or what?
FIRST: I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.
THIRD: Didn’t Look Who’s Talking Now bomb?
FIRST: I don’t know what that is!
BIGWIG: You forget, Three, that nowadays we have computers. We can use computers to make the dogs’ mouths move so it looks like they are actually talking. Children love this.
THREE: They don’t find it kind of creepy?
BIGWIG: Children love this.
THREE: I see.
FIRST: So Marmaduke can talk about dog stuff. Like, how much he likes pooping, and how much he likes eating, and then pooping, and sleeping, and pooping…
SECOND: Wait wait wait. Isn’t Marmaduke, in the cartoons, really huge? And he does all this stuff because he’s so big?
BIGWIG: Yes. So?
SECOND: In real life Great Danes don’t quite get as big as Marmaduke is in the cartoon.
THIRD: My god, are you actually making a cogent observation?
SECOND: I dated a professional dog breeder a while back.
THIRD: You dated a woman? More than once?
SECOND: Okay, it wasn’t a breeder, it was a Kardashian. But she really, really loved dogs. She wouldn’t shut up about dogs. Or maybe it was hats. Same thing, really.
BIGWIG: This is a fine point, Two, but again. We will fix that with computers.
THREE: We’ll make the dog larger with computers?
BIGWIG: Of course not. We’ll just have him do all the Marmaduke things and be a normal-sized Great Dane, and anything that’s especially physical, we just do it without the dog and CGI in a dog in post. Honestly, Three. Do I need to explain computers to you now?
FIRST: Also maybe we could have all the dogs dance in a dance routine with computers!
SECOND: Wait, wait – maybe dog society can be just like high school! People love it when shit is like high school!
THIRD: I guess we could throw in a talking cat. If we have talking dogs, we can have a cat as well. Some people like cats better than dogs.
BIGWIG: Gentlemen, this is what I call development. Who can we get to star?
THIRD: I think William H. Macy owes me a favour.
FIRST: Will he let us kick him in the nuts?
THIRD: I’m just going to assume you meant in the movie.
FIRST: Of course I meant in the movie. I’m not stupid, you know.
BIGWIG: We all know that, One.
FIRST: So, how many times will we kick him in the nuts? Fifteen, or twenty? I say twenty. It’s funnier that way! Just imagine him getting kicked again and again and again!
THREE: I think his limit per movie is two.
FIRST: Aw. What if he gets headbutted in the nuts by a dog instead?
THREE: Still two.
BIGWIG: We’ll make it work. Still, we need somebody famous to be the voice of Marmaduke. Who can we get?
THREE: Jon Stewart?
BIGWIG: Too self-conscious.
SECOND: Leonardo DiCaprio?
BIGWIG: Threatened to set us on fire if we contacted him ever again.
FIRST: Vince Vaughn! Vince Vaughn! He can say “poop” in so many different ways!
BIGWIG: Not bad, but he doesn’t owe us any favours. Wait a second. Two, can you contact Owen Wilson?
SECOND: Great thinking, boss! I’ve still got those incriminating pictures from the set of Marley and Me! We’ll get him to -
THIRD: Why don’t we just pay him instead? It’s not like he has standards.
BIGWIG: Because we want to save money. Offer him half his going rate plus the negatives, Two.
SECOND: Will do.
BIGWIG: Well, it looks like this has come together. Good work, everybody.
FIRST: My turn! My turn! So, I’m thinking Steakums can be like Transformers, except that instead of being robots, they’re made of ground meat product…

1.) ME: Oh my god, they actually got the “foreigners don’t have maps” beauty pageant girl to be on this show.
FLAPJACKS: They are sending her around the world! This is either the best joke ever or the cruelest prank ever. Possibly both.
ME: You know, given that they are “dating models,” it’s entirely possible that CBS cast them by accident.
FLAPJACKS: You mean they were just trying to fulfill the “dating hot couple who want to be actors” quota for this season, and then when they looked at their options they saw that they got the beauty queen who was on Youtube?
ME: Exactly.
FLAPJACKS: That seems unlikely.
ME: Ah, but consider: we both enjoy this show and it is entering its sixteenth season. Is that not unlikely?
FLAPJACKS: I just consider it further proof that the universe thinks I’m important.

2.) FLAPJACKS: Is there really such a thing as a world title in rodeo-ing?
ME: Why wouldn’t there be?
FLAPJACKS: Wouldn’t that be kind of like the World Series, in that with the exception of the Toronto Blue Jays, there aren’t any non-American teams? Who outside the United States does rodeo-ing?
ME: They have cowboys in Australia.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but the Australian cowboys are all busy competing at Learning The Secrets Of Wise Aboriginal Elders and Sleeping With The Repressed Rich English Ladies and Having The Biggest Knife. It’s entirely a different set of skills. I bet they come to America for the world championships and then get surprised when they find out that they have to rope a steer really fast.
ME: You have got to stop watching that Baz Luhrmann film over and over again.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t gotta do nothing.

3.) ME: Okay, so this 71-year-old granny who has done fifteen triathlons is this season’s official “make you feel worse about yourself” entrant.
FLAPJACKS: That’s fifteen times as many triathlons as I have done!
ME: You’ve never done a triathlon.
FLAPJACKS: I watched the one you did. I figure that counts.
ME: That was only a starter triathlon.
FLAPJACKS: It counts.
ME: Wait, shouldn’t I be the one arguing that it counts and you discounting my near-death experience in running it?
FLAPJACKS: It’s a funny old world.

4.) ME: “Joe is very confrontational. He says things that might piss people off.”
FLAPJACKS: “Joe is this season’s Official Asshole.”
ME: “HATE HIM! HAAAAATE HIM! Write letters expressing your hate! Our inevitable divorce will come that much quicker if you do it! It’s like ripping off a spiritual Band-Aid!”

5.) ME: And Phil says this will be the most difficult Race ever!
FLAPJACKS: Oh no! They have to take public transportation to the airport! That’s worse than the annual India leg of the Race!
ME: I wonder if anybody will break down crying because they can’t figure out how to use transfers.
FLAPJACKS: And they’re all so shocked. “Who takes the bus in L.A.?”
ME: And the team of black ladies answers that for us by saying out loud “look, a black person” and asking them.

6.) FLAPJACKS: I note that the cowboys have incorrectly changed their money to Brazilian funds when they are in fact going to Chile.
ME: Maybe they just missed every other team talking about how excited they were to go to Chile. Or, in Team Big Brother’s case, China.
FLAPJACKS: Well, in the cowboys’ defense, those are all not Wyoming or whatever the fuck they are from.
ME: “Aw shucks our town is so small we don’t got no atlases like you city folk do.”
FLAPJACKS: “Our town library is so small it only has two books and Walter won’t let you take ‘em out on account of what happened in 1957. We don’t talk about that much.”
ME: “Got a McDonald’s, though! So we’re definitely comin’ along in the world. Nobody can say the future is leavin’ Buttlick, Whereverthefuck behind, no sirree bob.”
FLAPJACKS: Oh, I love how they decide to sheepishly admit it. “Yeah, see, the closest thing the airport in LA had to Chilean money was Brazilian money.”
ME: I believe that’s the Weasel school of admitting error. “See, it wasn’t our fault we fucked up. It was the airport’s fault.”

7.) FLAPJACKS: “Heidi does have some fear of heights, so I took on that challenge. Because she is a chicken. And I am a condescending asshole.”
ME: Maybe we should wait a little longer to start hating him?
FLAPJACKS: No. If there is one thing about this show that is predictable, it is that the Designated Asshole always makes himself obvious early on.

8.) FLAPJACKS: Wait, the city of Valparaiso pays for houses to be painted so they can be pretty? Why can’t we get that here?
ME: You live in a large North American city. Half of the painting budget would go to unions and the other half would go to a PR fund to mollify people who pointlessly scream about unions.
FLAPJACKS: Which leaves no money for the paint.
ME: No, you take care of that with a special bond issue.
FLAPJACKS: So then the houses get painted?
ME: They would, except that in the next municipal election the anti-paint candidate gets elected, and he says “we should spend that money on police officers” and the money pays for one additional police officer over the next five years. He is shot and killed in the line of duty in his third year.
FLAPJACKS: That’s sad.
ME: And drab.

9.) FLAPJACKS: Wait, the prize trip for the first round is Vancouver? Wow. That’s underwhelming.
ME: Well, they do get to go whale-watching and bobsledding and – no, never mind. You’re right. That’s a sucky prize.
FLAPJACKS: How much lamer can the trip prizes get than that?
ME: “You’ve won a trip for two to beautiful Columbus, Ohio!”
FLAPJACKS: “You’ve won a trip for two to Detroit, Michigan!”
ME: That would at least be exciting. Albeit probably not in the good way.

10.) FLAPJACKS: I knew it! I knew this day would come! People doing a challenge on the Amazing Race are just interfering with people’s everyday lives and because they don’t speak the local language nobody can make them understand that they need to fuck off.
ME: Yes, this is pretty much the best day ever. And it wasn’t the Big Brother team or the Teen South Carolina team or anybody you’d expect to screw up. It was just the father/daughter team, who are like the vanilla ice cream of Amazing Racers.
FLAPJACKS: And they just keep going and going, painting the inside of this totally unrelated house. At some point, you’d think the people staring at you incredulously would start to kick in. But no.

11.) ME: And it turns out that arguably the least fit team on the Race gets eliminated. Which is not a shock.
FLAPJACKS: In fairness, non-athletic teams have gone quite a long way before on the Race.
ME: Not many of them, though. Being in at least reasonable shape seems like it might be an advantage in something which is technically supposed to be a “race.”
FLAPJACKS: When they let Canadians compete I will totally make you exercise.
ME: Ahem. I have run a starter triathlon and I swim every day. You play Halo.
FLAPJACKS: That means that I have elite teabagging skills that will make me very successful in the Race.

FLAPJACKS: Is it cold outside?
ME: Well, yes. It is January.
FLAPJACKS: You should dress warmer.
ME: “More warmly.”
FLAPJACKS: That too.
ME: It’s not that cold. It’s just, you know, winter.
FLAPJACKS: Then why is your skin blue? Look at it. You look like you have frostbite or something.
ME: If I had frostbite my skin would be either white or black.
FLAPJACKS: That’s racist. Asians can get frostbitten too!
ME: You know that’s not what I meant.
FLAPJACKS: Who can truly know the mind of a racist?
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway, why is your skin blue if it’s not frostbitten?
ME: You know, for someone concerned about racists, you seem awfully interested in my skin colour.
FLAPJACKS: Human beings aren’t normally blue so it doesn’t count.
ME: I got new sheets.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t follow.
ME: I got new sheets, so I washed them to get out the extra dye and soften them up before I put them on the bed. The sheets are blue. One wash was apparently not enough to get out all the extra dye.
FLAPJACKS: Why didn’t you take a shower or have a bath or something?
ME: I did.
FLAPJACKS: And you’re still bluey after that?
ME: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: Well, this is just delicious.
ME: Stop that.

Just a quick comparison for those of you who may have Christmas and New Years Eve parties to go to in the days to come, during which a conversation about popular music may come up:

IF YOU NAME-DROP ELVIS COSTELLO…

…you will get the respect of the average person, because most people have heard of Elvis Costello, but aren’t familiar with more than a handful of songs. Since Costello is almost universally praised by critics, though, you will earn instant cred.

However, should you encounter another Elvis Costello fan, you will likely make a bitter enemy, as the rest of the evening will be spent trying to top each other about who has listened to the most obscure, non-mainstream EC recording (theoretically, the guy who has a copy of the opera that he wrote in 2004 wins, but I am not sure that anyone has ever actually bought that CD).

BUT IF YOU NAME DROP XTC…

…you will get no cred at all from the average person, because unlike Costello, most people are too unfamiliar with XTC for the reference to mean anything. No one knows any of their songs, although they may have read that a bunch of bands that came out with CDs in the past decade are supposed to have been influenced by them.

However, should you encounter another XTC fan, you two will become new best friends, because XTC fans are always so psyched to meet someone else who’s even heard of them. A person can go from zero to awesome instantaneously with the revelation of XTC fandom, and if two XTC fans of the opposite sex meet at a party, they are obligated at some point in the evening to make out with each other. At least.

SO WEIGH YOUR OPTIONS AND CHOOSE WISELY.