Over at Gore Sports, they are having their sorta-annual Bash Wars tournament, featuring thirty-two combatants duking it out as determined by voters’ votes. Rex The Wonder Dog is, unsurprisingly, the number one seed in his bracket. This is right and proper. However, he is currently trailing an ordinary housecat who doesn’t even do anything awesome. It’s just a frigging cat. That cat probably doesn’t even speak Polish!
So if you have a Livejournal account, go join the Gore Sports community, and then vault Rex to his proper place, which is upon a throne built of cat-skulls.
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19 users responded in this post
Joined.
Some things just will not stand.
(Also, Dangermouse losing to anyone is just appalling)
… except the participants so far appear to be pretty much ENTIRELY idiots.
The Evidence:
#1: We have some cat competing with Rex The Wonder Dog
#2: we have a character from a Groening cartoon *competing* in anything except the “most worthless of the completely worthless products of Matt Groening” category – and he appears to not only be competing, but currently be coming out ahead of Spider Jerusalem?
#3: Mr T beating Donaghy? Seriously? Mr T isn’t in his *sport*, let alone league.
#4: A Buffy character, winning against anyone except a Groening.
#5: Wolverine, winning against anyone except MAYBE a Buffy character, a Groening character, or Batman. Those are, after all, the only fictional characters in existence less interesting than Wolverine.
#6: Oh, hey look, more Groening.
#7: The Janitor, against Popeye? Seriously?
So, tell me, why would I want to join a community that seems to have a strong majority of people who are really, really stupid and who have no taste?
Dammit, I need an “edit comment” button. First sentence should be “entirely outnumbered by”. And the poll creator is apparently one of the idiots, because he thought some of these participants, let alone matchups, were worth having.
I’m pretty sure the poll creator didn’t pick the combatants, from the wording.
Hey John — as one of those comm members who is really, really stupid and has no taste — I bet you’re a lot of fun.
And no, the poll creator didn’t choose the combatants, the participants did.
John– half the point of it is the pointlessness! The Bash Wars SuperKing of a few wars ago was The Count. Yes, the muppet.
Jim asks people to enter their champion. The sillier, the better. In the past I’ve entered Lisa Cuddy and Dick Cheney. Nobody’s champion is revealed until Jim gets at least 32 entrants, at which point he seeds them and reveals them in the first poll. At that point, it’s turned over to the people.
The only thing Jim does is match and seed the combatants, write snarky comments about them, and run the poll. If you don’t like the combatants, then next year you can submit your own champion! 😉
I just spent several minutes laughing my butt off over the descriptions of the combatants, so John’s reaction confuses me.
Bender is awesome. I get that Transmetropolitan holds a special place in a lot of people’s hearts, but that’s actually not a bad match. Spider would need something a little more destructive than his bowel disruptor unless he knows that magnets turn Bender into a bad folk singer, rendering him harmless. The problem, actually, is that the correct answer for that battle is “Spider and Bender join forces to take down whoever Spider is currently after and drink copious amounts of booze.”
Willow may be a character from an overrated Joss Whedon show, but she does have magic powers.
I basically only like Wolverine when Chris Claremont is writing him as one of Clint Eastwood’s flawed cowboy characters, but what’s wrong with him winning a fake fight in a fake tournament? Calm down, dude.
Devil Ned Flanders is a funny choice, so what’s the big deal? It does seem awfully unfair to Spike, though. Spike being awesome and knowing jeet kune do won’t help much against Devil Ned.
“Who beats who” in a war of fictional characters always comes down to who is more popular, or who the writer wants to win. The second case is still a one man popularity contest. I don’t know why I should care. Rex should beat like all of them, honestly, he could probably give Willow the puppy dog eyes and just take everyone else out.
Voted for the cute kitty cat over your Chuck Norris’d dog…
Did they close the voting early? Wait, How the hell did Rex lose? I blame the losers who voted “both die” and that “Attempting to be Rex the Motherfucking Wonder” human.
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I entered Alternate Timline Spock. I never foresaw a matchup with Shatner! 🙁
BOOYAH! I’m the proud owner of his Lordship, Diomedes. You shall all bow down to his might, even a stinky, flea-bitten, no good canine.
All Hail Diomedes! Watch as he defeats Rex and then is soundly defeated by The Doctor.
I got approved, and voted Rex into the lead. ALL GLORY TO THE WONDERDOG
Noooooooooo!
*sob!*
My one and only chance at greatness…gone.
There appears to be some confusion. I will elucidate.
Bash Wars is a tournament for people to enter characters to battle to the death. My intent was to get people to enter the toughest fake people in the universe to fake kill each other. Bender is beating Spider Jerusalem because Spider is a skinny journalist with lung disease and Bender is a solid steel robot with super-strength. I don’t think those facts are in dispute, regardless of one’s feelings about Warren Ellis and/or Matt Groening.
Now, through some odd quirk, the community’s participants seem to think they’re actually competing to enter the most ridiculous combatants possible, and vote based on who they like the best. It’s not exactly what I had in mind but it gives us a certain charm. Zachary Quinto Spock is getting beaten up by William Shatner because nobody gives a shit about nuTrek Spock and William Shatner is a god among men. That’s just an opinion, but apparently it’s the prevailing one. (I held a poll and everything.)
So yeah, the entrants are weird and the matchups are random and the results are inexplicable. Wolverine is a solid pick because he’s good at killing guys and hey, he’s popular. Rex was a bigger gamble because, although I know he’s awesome, a lot of the voters probably never even heard of MGK or even Scans Daily (let alone Rex) until a week ago. Doctor Who is a tricky one because I don’t know anything about him but he has lots of fans who will still support him in defiance of me. Nick entering his housecat took balls of iron, but I have to give him credit for lateral thinking that might pay off.
The best Bash Wars entrants have shared a combination of luck, popularity, raw power, chutzpah, and a Chuck-Norris-esque aura of invincibility. I couldn’t give two drops of monkey piss if Wolverine is overexposed or uninteresting, because Bash Wars just happens to be a “stuff Wolverine is good at” contest. It is not a “things hipsters like” contest.
I still maintain that Spider would have had an excellent chance had he been paired against someone made of, you know, -flesh-.
Jim, I’ll try to explain the Doctor for you a little without annoying you by talking about Tom Baker.
The Doctor’s powers:
1. regeneration (if he dies, he gets a new body and personality)
2. telepathy (inconsistently portrayed)
3. In at least some of his incarnations, the Doctor is highly resistant to extreme cold. That doesn’t stop him from wearing coats and hats. He is also resistant to heat and hard radiation.
4. an instant translation power that lets him communicate with anyone he meets during his adventures (apparently telepathic in nature)
Some of the skills he has demonstrated over the years:
hypnosis (inconsistent, but sometimes it works basically like mind control)
fencing (rapiers)
Venusian Aikido (not sure how it’s different from regular Aikido)
yoga mastery, which allows him to go into a trance state where he doesn’t need to breathe for several minutes (used to survive poison attacks or being in outer space without an air supply)
all-around science whiz who can improvise useful gadgets out of seemingly random items.
Encyclopedic knowledge of how to defeat a pretty wide variety of alien bad guys and/or evil robots (usually because he ran into them before).
Good detective skills.
Reverse engineering.
Primary weapon: multi-purpose sonic screwdriver that can do practically anything. It’s really a tool, but he can use it for things such as remotely detonating land mines or sabotaging computer equipment.
[…] on LiveJournal choose fictional ass-kickers to fight to the death. You may recall that last year my sovereign implored you to offer your support for unofficial MGK.com mascot Rex the Wonder Dog, which led to Rex’s […]