You’ll be forgiven if you’ve not heard of An American Carol, David Zucker’s follow-up to Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4, set to precede Scary Movie 5 (seriously, there are five of those fucking things). There’s no trailer, and the movie doesn’t even have an official web page. But, oh, you’re missing out on some surefire train wreck gold if you haven’t been keeping up with the project.
An American Carol is basically a Scary Movie-style spoof of American liberal politics, starring every famous conservative entertainer. Which is pretty much just, um, Kelsey Grammar, Jon Voight, James Woods, and Dennis Hopper. Oh, and Kevin Sorbo. Clint Eastwood, apparently, still wanted to be able to look himself in the mirror afterwards. The cast is rounded out with conservative commentators and country music stars like Bill O’Reilly and Trace Adkins. And basically they seem to have just made a movie where they all run around saying liberals are stupid! for an hour and a half. We’ll see how that turns out for them.
The movie stars Chris Farley’s little brother (Larry the Cable Guy was busy, seriously, not a joke) as "Michael Malone", a hefty anti-American documentary filmmaker out to ban the pledge of allegiance, with the help of the dastardly movealong.org. He gets visited by the ghosts of George Washington (Jon Voight), John F Kennedy (some soap star named Chriss Anglin), and General Patton (totally Kelsey Grammar, I’m not even kidding), and they show him the error of his ways. Hence the "Carol" part of the title, I guess. Michael Moore is Scrooge.
See, it’s clever because the names are almost the same as the people they’re parodying, so you don’t have to waste time that could otherwise be spent rollicking in the funny trying to figure out exactly who each of their targets is supposed to be. They’re doing the work for you! Also, Michael Malone lets out a roaring fart within ten minutes of the film opening or I will paypal you £100.
Apparently a writer for The Weekly Standard went out to the set to rally the troops for their Hollywood Takes On The Left cover story. I will no ruin some of the film’s jokes, because it’s surely going to be funnier to read about them than to actually watch. Um, spoilers, I guess.
Dennis Hopper makes an appearance as a judge who defends his courthouse by gunning down ACLU lawyers trying to take down the Ten Commandments.
Because apparently his copy of the Ten Commandments was missing thou shall not kill, or something. See, it’s funny because it’s stupid to have to win arguments when you have guns!
David Alan Grier plays a slave in a scene designed to show Malone what might have happened if the United States had not fought the Civil War. As Patton explains to a dumbfounded Malone that the plantation they are visiting is his own, Grier thanks the documentarian for being such a humane owner. As they leave, another slave, played by Gary Coleman, finishes polishing a car and yells "Hey, Barack!" before tossing the sponge to someone off-camera.
Wait, this movie has Gary Coleman in it? Playing a slave? And Obama jokes? I take it back, this does sound edgy and hilarious. I like to hope that the scene ends with Chuck Norris kicking Barack’s head off.
In the film, a rotund comedian named Rosie O’Connell makes an appearance on The O’Reilly Factor to promote her documentary, The Truth About Radical Christians. O’Reilly shows a clip, which opens with a pair of priests walking through an airport–as seen from pre-hijacking surveillance video–before boarding the airplane. Once onboard, they storm the cockpit using crucifixes as their weapon of choice. Get it, because Christians would never do anything violent. All those abortion doctors just blew up spontaneously.
And finally, if you were wondering the philosophy governing Zucker’s entire career, it’s summed up succinctly in the article:
"Why be original?" Zucker asks. "I’ve done that. It doesn’t work, like BASEketball."
I’m sure this’ll be a gem. Watch for a huge push from nuttier conservative groups to drive it to the top of the weekend box office, so they can prove that America really loves this stuff, and then for it to flop harder than Battlefield: Earth. At which point they’ll blame the puny man-animal liberals for stifling their expression.
(cross-posted to dansolomon.com)
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“…there are five of those fucking things”
They are legion, scary, isn’t it?
Wow. This is sounding “Riif-Trax” or “Cinematic Titanic”-worthy already.
My brain, it hurts.
The thought that anyone believed that this was a good idea is making me headdesk.
What, no Stephen Baldwin?
I know, right? You have to wonder what Ben Stein was doing that was so important he couldn’t make an appearance, too.
–d
It shatters my entire childhood to learn Kevin Sorbo attached his name to this travesty. I will never be able to watch another clip of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys in good faith again.
It’s sad seeing Jon Voight proving himself as a despicable human being with time, huh? And damn, Dennis Hopper became stupid.
Hear that, my ‘liberal’ hollywood elite friends? Never take too much acid in the sixties, you faggy hippie cocksuckers — or you won’t be able to understand 10% of the point of the movies you make. Or I’ll make a really out-of-touch slavery joke about a black person you know when making a unexistent point in relating a home civil war to today’s genocidal wars we support (while missing the point of the civil war while we’re at it).
Christ, people are in dire need of playing boy fantasies of war so they have some resemblance of significance, no? That can be the only explanation for old men smelling like old people’s underwear and socks (I’m looking at you, Grammar*) going through all this “we’re the outsiders rallying folks against the new nazis etc”.
* Why was this guy’s show considered to have some veneer of intelligence? Because it had vague caricatures of intellectuals as foppyish (code for faggish) while proudly/stupidly embracing it as ‘refined’?
I know, right? You have to wonder what Ben Stein was doing that was so important he couldn’t make an appearance, too.
Probably filming another staged college speech for Expelled 2: Electric Boogaloo
Hey, why’s he baggin’ on BASEketball? I liked that movie. “Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times, I’m outta here!”
[…] as for “freedom from religion” — well, you hate America) never rest. So writes Dan Solomon at MightyGodKing: An American Carol is basically a Scary Movie-style spoof of American liberal politics, starring […]
Hey, now. FRASIER was a good show with genuinely nuanced characterization (consider how Roz developed over time) and sophisticated plotting in the tradition of the finest door-slamming farce. That Kelsey Grammer is a Republican doesn’t diminish my respect for him as a performer, even though this film looks to suck on many different levels.
I was a little saddened when I heard about this a few days ago.
I think my whole day has been ruined now.
On the bright side, Matt, you can just do like 95% of America is sure to and ignore the movie’s existence.
–d
But, Evan, I never got why the show itself was considered sophisticated. “24” has amazingly sophisticated plotting (I’m not a fan, but if I watch one episode, they perfectly sell me the idea that I need to watch the next episode as if it was crack), but you wouldn’t deem it sophisticated by any measure. And somehow Grammar is taken as having some of the show’s refinement rubbed off onto him (halo effect etc).
Perhaps it’s just the semi-fop caricature of refined accent. It worked for Bill Buckley, I guess.
Remeber that this movie is not stupid because it is conservative. It is stupid because it is stupid.
What? No Ben Stein? I was certain that after Expelled, he’d be the first one to call for this kind of shite.
It wasn’t just the plotting, but a certain level of depth to the characterization and even thematics. Everybody displayed nuances to their personality as the show progressed, and a lot of episodes betrayed a lot of thought behind them- “Death and the Dog” is a wonderful meditation on how easy it is to become depressed if you look for reasons to be depressed, “Daphne Returns” actually deconstructs the ideals that Niles built up in his longing for Daphne and forces him to confront the possibilities of a real, flawed, relationship, and “The Good Son” has Roz relating the Lupe Velez story with the unconventional reading of “Even though things don’t turn out like we planned, they can work out anyway.” (“All Lupe wanted was to be remembered- will you ever forget that story?”)
Not to mention the last episode building itself around Tennyson’s “Ulysses”. There are even some fairly clever minor gags- when Frasier enthuses about a woman who has an opera seat across from him, he says, “I have laughed with her during Figaro and I’ve cried with her during Tosca. I even had a dream about her during Einstein on the Beach.” Besides this and South Park I can’t name many other shows making Philip Glass jokes.
Excuse the double post, but I found the official site
http://www.moovealong.org/
That Kelsey Grammer is a Republican doesn’t diminish my respect for him as a performer, even though this film looks to suck on many different levels.
Cheers to that. Of course, he’s also a coke addict. So maybe the GOP just raided a Hollywood drug rehabilitation center and started mind-fucking the hell out of its patients. That would explain quite a bit of the current crop of Hollywood Republicans.
Ah, good eye on the official site. Now all they need to do is get it to turn up in a google search.
–d
If I’m not mistaken Grammer has been clean and sober for a while now.
It’s sad seeing Jon Voight proving himself as a despicable human being with time, huh?
He’s been working overtime on that.
*sigh*
Anyone else remember when David Zucker’s name used to be attached to movies that were actually funny?
That Kelsey Grammer is a Republican doesn’t diminish my respect for him as a performer
yeah, but accepting a lead role in this mess does.
Anyone else remember when David Zucker’s name used to be attached to movies that were actually funny?
makes me sad too, Dave. another thing to be pissed with the 9/11 terrorists about.
Tavella, a nice and stupid rant from Mr Voight. A few key excerpts I found especially funny.
“We cannot say we are not affected by teachers who are militant and angry. We know too well that we become like them, and Mr. Obama will run this country in their mindset.” …Like George W Bush did when Ted Haggard was his spiritual advisor?
“The Democrats have targeted young people” …you know.. people under 55.
“The radicals of that era were successful in giving the communists power to bring forth the killing fields and slaughter 2.5 million people in Cambodia and South Vietnam.” …Just like Reagan was successful in giving Saddam Hussein power in the 1980’s who in turn slaughtered the kurds during the same administration.
“Those same leaders who were in the streets in the ’60s are very powerful today in their work to bring down the Iraq war and to attack our president, and they have found their way into our schools.”… y’know, black people.
“Thank God, today, we have a strong generation of young soldiers who know exactly who they are and what they must do to protect our freedom and our democracy.” …by deposing Saddam Hussein, the guy that didn’t attack our freedoms and democracy to begin with.
“Our soldiers are lifting us to an example of patriotism at a time when we’ve almost forgotten who we are and what is at stake.” …by throwing puppies off cliffs and laying down like little bitches for Blackwater mercs.
“If Mr. Obama had his way, he would have pulled our troops from Iraq years ago and initiated an unprecedented bloodbath, turning over that country to the barbarianism of our enemies.” .. you mean instead of sinking in trillions of dollars into the farcical pretense that a theocratic government held by opposing monotheistic tribes could actually hold together longer than the most recent “cease-fire” between Palestine and Israel?
“If, God forbid, we live to see Mr. Obama president, we will live through a socialist era that America has not seen before, and our country will be weakened in every way.” … every way that conservative hold dear – under the table white supremacy, capitalist totalitarianism, social darwinism, and theistic gibberish being held as high as scientific fact.
I hope the old fart gets lit on fire and vanishes in a puff of sulphur.
And yet, since he’s still most connected in my mind to Milo Minderbinder from Catch-22, I find all this rather appropriate.
How does it lampoon Liberal it’s a parody of Christmas Carol with Micheal Moore or is there something missing?
I love how the WS writer keeps mentioning Zucker’s actual funny movies and completely ignoring the last fifteen years of his career.
I will go out on a limb, though, and say that this movie will probably at least have a financially successful opening weekend. I mean, it doesn’t make me happy, but Scary Movie 1-4 and [insert genre] Movie and Meet The Spartans all made enough dough for Zucker and his ilk to keep pooping them out.
No one ever went broke appealing to the stupidity of the American public. Heck, Dubya pretty much counted on it to get elected.
I don’t understand what the pledge of allegiance has to do with the American Civil War, or why liberals being “stupid” means there would never have been a civil war. Isn’t pro-slavery more towards the Right end of the political spectrum?
“I don’t understand what the pledge of allegiance has to do with the American Civil War, or why liberals being “stupid” means there would never have been a civil war. Isn’t pro-slavery more towards the Right end of the political spectrum?”
Yeah, well, at the very least, they have the policies most unfriendly towards minorities (particularly African Americans). But one of the most impressive abilities of Replubicans is the one to spin their take on race relations. See, they keep telling people that “The Republican Party was founded to end slavery! It’s the party of Lincoln!” Now, I’m going to ignore the first part of that statement, since, holy crap, there’s just too many holes in it to pick a place to start.
My then-local Republican state representative took a day to visit my high school government class and talk shop, and he dropped that line on us. I later asked my instructor why, with that in mind, most African Americans voted democrat. He thanked me for not pissing off our guest, but said he wished he could’ve seen him squirm under that one. The same guest, by the way, had earlier told us that he “didn’t know what [he] was even voting on, at the time.”
“Isn’t pro-slavery more towards the Right end of the political spectrum?”
These are the same people that still constantly mention the fact that Lincoln was a “republican” (meaning: there were the same letters following each other in his party’s name — the policy and overall philosophy flipped completetly), “big tent party” and all that. Same people who argue that liberals = fascism, muslims = fascist nazi german, themselves = repressed powerless minority like the hunks from 300.
Evan, thanks for that. I can somewhat remember a curve in characterization throughout the years and your comment definitely perched my curiosity concerning the appeal of the show (maybe I should sporadically watch some episodes on the internet).
Speaking of Battlefield Earth, you know what would really make this movie successful?
Leverage.
I had no idea about Dennis Hopper. I’m guessing yet another obligatory post-rehab rightward swerve?
“How does it lampoon Liberal it’s a parody of Christmas Carol with Micheal Moore or is there something missing?”
If Michael Moore did not exist, the right wing would have to create him. They love to go after him because he’s an easy target- he’s fat, funny lookin’, dresses like a slob, has been caught taking liberties in the editing room, and is extremely anti-Bush. The right basically treats him as the living embodiment of the left; “All liberalism can be dismissed because Michael Moore is pompous” is the core thesis of many pundits.
The funny thing is, if you ask for actual extremist positions that Moore has taken, they’ll be hard-pressed to list any. Because he’s an outrageous figure, though, they can project all sorts of strawmen like “we shouldn’t fight any wars ever!” onto him.
I hope the old fart gets lit on fire and vanishes in a puff of sulphur.
Seconded. I can totally see why his daughter’s estranged from him.
Here’s another part of that op-ed I found interesting:
“We, as parents, are well aware of the importance of our teachers who teach and program our children.”
I can’t believe he used the word “program” and considers that an acceptable thing. You “program” computers, or robots. Human beings, not so much. I’m pro independent thought, apparently unlike Mr. Voight.
As far as Voight goes…well, he must have taught Jolie something…so what does that make him?
Are there just no funny republicans? I mean, probability would make you think there HAS to be, but no attempt at “republican humor” I’ve ever seen has ever been funny, ever.
Michael: You mean how to fend for herself? Voight abandoned his family when Angelina was but a wee lass.
Angelina’s words after Tomb Raider: “My father and I don’t speak. I don’t hold any anger toward him. I don’t believe that somebody’s family becomes their blood. Because my son’s adopted, and families are earned.”
If it truly starred every American conservative entertainer it’d have Bruce Willis and Chuck Norris and Robert Downey Jr., you nitwit.
Bruce Willis’ words “I’m sick of answering this fucking question. I’m a Republican only as far as I want a smaller government, I want less government intrusion. I want them to stop shitting on my money and your money and tax dollars that we give 50 percent of… every year. I want them to be fiscally responsible and I want these goddamn lobbyists out of Washington. Do that and I’ll say I’m a Republican… I hate the government, OK? I’m apolitical. Write that down. I’m not a Republican.”
I see you didn’t mention Mel Gibson.. or is he too conservative for you to acknowledge?
Arrgh. Do these people really have to be on my side? Why? Can’t I disown them or something?
As to the “Party of Lincoln” business, yes, Lincoln was a republican, and the republican party enjoyed the blessing of the african-american vote until the sixties. It was the idiotic racism and slowness to change of a few (Helms, Thurmond and a few other, mostly southern Republicans) coupled with absolutely ruthless smear campaigns conducted by the Democrats of the time who saw a weakness. The attitudes of aging segregationists became tied to the party, rather than the misanthropes who clung to those ideas.
It’s interesting that Thurmond, at the time he made history with his 24-hour filibuster against the civil rights act, was a Democrat. He changed parties in 1964 as the Democratic party changed its focus and emphasized civil rights. He was one of many who felt that the democratic party had abandoned southern whites in favor of black voters. This was what allowed Goldwater and later Nixon to be the first republican candidates since the Reconstruction to win a Deep South state.
This looks crummy, even Team America decided that Michael Moore would be too much of an easy target for him to feature as more than a fleeting cameo.
As for conservative humour – may I suggest Antony Jay? Foreign Devils might not have heard of him, but he wrote Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister, two of the cleverest and wittiest satires on British politics of their time – whilst being Margaret Thatcher’s main speech writer and (I believe) a dedicated Thatcherite.
As the producer of this film, I plan to call your bluff, you liberal media-bully. We were going to have the Michael Malone character fart endlessly for the first ten minutes of the film as his response when Bill O’Reilly asks him why all liberals are such godless pussies, but now I’ll re-edit the movie so that Carmen Electra just shakes her ass and you’ll have to pay up! With 100 of your funny queen’s money (I can only assume it’ll be worth about 5 bucks American), we’ll have already made back double what our budget was!
And as for you, Dan Solomon, Ben was far too busy making the world right again by making sure that faith (well, our faith, since it’s the real one) is taught not as the theological concern the pinkos want you to believe it is, but as undeniable, easily tested and proven scientific fact.
Oh, right Gibson, forgot him. Just saying that if it truly included every Hollywood conservative out there (forgot to mention Clint Eastwood too) it would be the biggest, dumbest, most ridiculously patriotically awesome actionpollozaganzamagma every conceived by humanity.
And to clarify, I’m neither right-wing nor Republican but I’m just ragging on this entry because frankly, everyone’s covered this trainwreck already, it’s an easy target or low-hanging fruit if you prefer, and like Oliver Stone’s “W”, the actual film is much funnier than any attempt to criticize it. And by funny I mean unintentionally so.
I love this feint toward oppression, here. Like they’re a put-upon minority who had to lie and steal the White House–for our own good.
“we’re entering a new McCarthy era”–wow, holy fuck, no we’re not.
I’m sorry some Hollywood folks were dicks to you when they found out you’re conservative. Perhaps they’re just dicks. But I don’t think you’re in any danger of being blacklisted. You’re not being condemned, silenced, or wrongfully imprisoned, either.
You’re just a pussy who doesn’t want to tell people who you voted for. Probably b/c it unveils your support of an unconciousable, myopic, poor-hating, rhethoric-spouting machine that has done nothing but occult the truth and take advantage of a simple-minded lower class that hasn’t realized it’s ignorance and fear are being used as fuel for this shambling Frankenstein malengine that hates and reviles them.
Sokoloff had begun to sour on the Democratic party and the left generally during the impeachment of Bill Clinton. “As a feminist, I was outraged,” she recalls. “If he had been a Republican president we would have demanded his resignation and marched on the White House.” When she made this point to her Democratic friends, she says, they told her to keep quiet.
Yeah, how absurd that would be. If it had been a Republican president, we might have done something crazy like… try to impeach him.
[…] better, the blog sites of the Sputtering Left are already abuzz with disdain, e.g. this one or […]
Guys, do yourselves a favor: Ignore this movie. The only thing that will help it to make any money at the box office is controversy. If it doesn’t have that, it’ll bomb. Trust me me on this, just these small bits of the script stink out loud. It’s got nothin’.