SEVEN: the coleslaw. Fast food creamy coleslaw is always, always the worst thing, you guys. Like, creamy coleslaw is already pretty bad – if you need an excuse to eat sour cream, maybe you can just tell people your doctor said you need to eat it or you’ll die, you’d have more dignity that way – but fast food creamy coleslaw is never anything else than gross. If you put this next to KFC’s creamy coleslaw you would not be able to tell the difference. I think there is just one factory that makes all the fast food creamy coleslaw in the world and they, like, freeze it into giant bricks, and then the individual restaurants just chip off some of the coleslaw brick and let it thaw out each day.
SIX: the Cajun fries. They’re just spicy fries, and they’re not even good spicy fries, because good spicy fries are good on at least one of two levels: either they are really nice and spicy or they are really good fries with spice on them. Popeye’s fries are White Person Spicy (i.e. they are not really spicy at all, unless you think onion powder counts as a spice) and they are kinda stringy and not good fries in the “yes, this is definitely some nice fried potato” sense. Chicken places never have good fries so I’m not really surprised by this. I think the angry souls of the chickens have something to do with it. The reason McDonald’s fries are good is probably because McDonald’s “chicken” isn’t actually chicken. Or maybe they converted to McWorship, those chickens. (Coming soon to a church near you. McWorship: all the spirituality in one-fifth the time! The prayer you need for your busy schedule.)
FIVE: the green beans. They actually don’t do the green beans in Canada but I had them once in America and they are not particularly good, but on the other hand you’re eating green beans in a fast food restaurant and that is definitely something of a novelty, and green beans don’t really go below “eh” unless they are burned to a cinder, so you can do worse. Of course, the reason they aren’t that good is because Popeyes decided – probably not incorrectly – that people wouldn’t eat green beans when they go get fast food, so they smothered them in really bad bacon. Actually I just looked at Popeye’s website and it’s not even real bacon, it’s turkey bacon, that is like counterfeit bacon to people who care about bacon. (I don’t really care about bacon.)
FOUR: the mac and cheese. It’s not bad at all. It’s mass-produced mac and cheese. It’s better than Kraft Dinner, but it’s not proper mac and cheese, but you knew coming in this wasn’t going to be proper mac and cheese anyway so what are you complaining about? You probably eat pizza with a fork, don’t you, Mister Special. Anyway, when you pour some of Popeye’s hot sauce on the mac and cheese it becomes quite good, because Popeye’s has decent hot sauce and decent hot sauce makes any mac and cheese nice. And besides I like Kraft Dinner.
THREE: the mashed potatoes and gravy. The mashed potatoes are above-average fast food mashed potatoes in that they actually appear to have been real potatoes at one point, but nobody gets this for the potatoes. You get this side dish for the gravy, which is actually proper slightly lumpy slightly spicy gravy; it is REAL GRAVY and in fast food that is distinctly rare. FUN FACT: If you just ask for some gravy, they look at you weird. Then they ask “are you sure you don’t want the potatoes?” Then they try to give you the potatoes and the gravy separately. Then, when you say “no I just want a little cup of gravy so I can dip things in the gravy” they look at you weird like when you said that you meant things other than the other items of food that you ordered. Which you didn’t. Because that would be weird. What is so wrong about wanting to dip your biscuit in gravy? Nothing, that’s what I say.
TWO: the Cajun rice. It’s good. More restaurants should offer rice dishes as sides, really. I don’t have anything else to say about the Cajun rice though because of the next item on the list.
ONE: the red beans and rice. The rice is only okay – it’s just plain rice without the nice seasoning and whatever the little bits in the Cajun rice are, it doesn’t have those. But who cares? You order this for the red bean goop. The tasty, tasty red bean goop. It is like primordial DNA, the stuff that Life Itself emerged from, except it is edible, nay delicious, and you are creating new life by eating it because the bacterias that live in your stomach (don’t worry, they’re supposed to be there because of science) get the red bean goop and then they start inventing algebra. You can even pretend this side dish is healthy because it is protein, that is how good the red beans and rice are, they let you lie to yourself convincingly. And also you get an algebra stomach and probably that has real-world applications of some kind.
NOT RANKED: the biscuits. Because even if Popeye’s wants to call the biscuits a side dish, they aren’t a side dish. They are the reason you go to Popeye’s.
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27 users responded in this post
What about the corn on the cob? (I wouldn’t put it at #1 or anything, but it does exist.)
I was expecting spinach to be _somewhere_ on the list.
Wait – the Popeye’s restaurants in Canada think it’s weird for you to ask for gravy to dip your fries in? I have to assume that they think this is weird because they don’t have cheese curds on the menu and can’t possibly fathom eating something vaguely poutine-like without it actually being poutine because otherwise I can’t see it.
(FWIW – my local Popeye’s didn’t think it was weird at all that I wanted gravy for things that weren’t mashed potatoes. This could be because I live in Ohio, where adding more fat to food is a state hobby, or it could be because the poor guy behind the counter is not being paid enough to care about the weird shit that his customers do. Either way, no problems here.)
(And also – you’re wrong. The mashed potatoes are better than that reddish glop that they call “beans”. Hell the green beans with the fake bacon in them are better than that reddish glop they call “beans”.)
It’s true. I don’t get to eat at Popeye’s often (the nearest location to me is in South Boston, and I don’t go to Southie much), but I had it in Providence, and the biscuits are amazing. I didn’t even need butter. I ALWAYS eat biscuits with butter, but Popeye’s biscuits are perfect as they are. They must never change.
I am all the way behind everything about this post.
Why did I think this was going to be about Popeye the comic book character? We briefly had a Popeye’s here in town (I’m Canadian, and now the Popeye’s is a Salvation Army store). I did like it better than KFC, but it was in an area of town I didn’t frequent much. Ah well.
The onion rings wonder why you don’t care about them.
Thd beans and rice and biscuits are the best and only reason to go to Popeyes.
Is there a Mary Brown’s in Toronto? ‘Cause they have pretty good coleslaw, and they always give you separate gravy. Their macaroni salad’s crap, though.
(For the record, Mary Brown’s is a fast food chicken chain based mainly out of Atlantic Canada. I’m pretty sure they’ve got restaurants as far west as Alberta, though.)
On the real, Popeye’s Red Beans and Rice + Biscuits = done for the day. Pure Heaven!
The only side dish you need from Popeye’s is Cajun Sparkle.
I grew up 5 houses down from Al Copeland, the owner of Popeyes.
He was a real asshole of a neighbor, so it was basically forbidden to eat at Popeyes.
But oh that forbidden red beans and rice! woo!
I have ordered just biscuits at Popeye’s once. It was amazing.
And that’s why a friend calls them crack biscuits.
I was reading through this list and getting increasingly angry about the omission of biscuits…only for the last line to save it. Well played.
Haha @”White Person Spicy”
You can also put Taco Bell hot sauce in that category.
Those biscuits are great with honey.
Rob Ford denies loving their biscuits.
Holy shit, you might be higher than I am right now. Well done!
I can actually contribute to the cole slaw discussion: the factory makes jars of cole slaw sauce, and bags of shredded cabbage with a few grated carrots in there. It’s a some-assembly-required slaw that usually happens in a big plastic tub, or possibly a bucket lined with a plastic bag. There’s two or three different labels on the jars, but it’s probably all the same factory.
For the first time I ordered a lg side of green beans for my dinner for 3. Bottom line is none of them were touched. What is the snot like substance they are cooked in? They are horrible!
I pefer the popeyes cslaw its tastier then kfc pls bring it back
List is so accurate
I hate that Popeyes made it to Seattle rather than Bojangles!! They don’t even taste the same Popeyes is the low cost version of Bojangles with your dirty rice and Cajun pinkies and fresh made biscuits as I made them myself for the chain 30 years ago. Come to Seattle Bojangles we appreciate flavor!!
If you think Popeye’s coleslaw is the same as KFC’s, you need your taste buds checked.
I will always order KFC coleslaw. Everyone else can keep theirs.
Popeyes should add gumbo to the menu
@CJ MOORE what is Cajun Sparkle…never heard of it in the South