ME: What are you doing on my internet?
FLAPJACKS: I’m reading Nelson’s Wikipedia entry.
ME: …why?
FLAPJACKS: Because.
ME: I don’t think I can actually get a more honest explanation than that.
FLAPJACKS: Did you know they released an album called Because They Can? Nelson have some big balls.
ME: I did not know that.
FLAPJACKS: I’m also pretty sure that they wrote their Wikipedia entry. “In addition to touring as NELSON, the twin singer-songwriters also perform a separate tribute act for their father, called “Ricky Nelson Remembered.” Plus, they perform with celebrity all-star rock and roll rat pack SCRAP METAL.”
ME: Wow, I could hear the all-caps.
FLAPJACKS: Only because I say the all-caps parts in a bass voice.
ME: Well, yes. Say, do we know who Scrap Metal – excuse me, SCRAP METAL – are?
FLAPJACKS: I Googled and it turns out it is Nelson plus other people from formerly famous rock bands. Like, the “about” section says that it was founded by Nelson and the former lead singers of Mr. Big, Slaughter and Night Ranger.
ME: Night Ranger? Are they a real band? I thought they were the band in Left 4 Dead 2 that had the concert where you fight zombies.
FLAPJACKS: I think that’s someone else. But anyway, apparently Scrap Metal are mostly just Nelson, and whoever Nelson can get to tour with them that week. Like, here’s a press release where Scrap Metal played before “2,000 of our country’s future military leaders” in Annapolis –
ME: So basically they’re the guys you get for your high school prom or something.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t judge. But for this event, they had Nelson, plus the former lead singer of Vixen, and some guy who is described as being “of Ted Nugent.” I guess Ted Nugent is a band now, otherwise they would have said “this guy who used to play with Ted Nugent.”
ME: I believe technically Ted Nugent is an institution now, thanks to an official recognition from Congress in 2003.
FLAPJACKS: Oh, here’s something where they welcome the former lead singer of Motley Crue –
ME: Vince Neil? How did Nelson get Vince Neil to do anything with them? Vince Neil is still sort of famous.
FLAPJACKS: They got John Corabi.
ME: Oh, come on. Calling John Corabi “the lead singer of Motley Crue” is only technically correct. He was there for like four years where Motley Crue barely did anything and then they fired him and brought back Vince Neil. That would be like bringing in Guy from Extreme and then calling him “the lead singer of Van Halen” when you don’t even have Sammy Hagar.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you want to call out John Corabi like that? I mean, the guy probably doesn’t get mentioned on the internet that often. I bet with a couple weeks this will become the #1 Google result for “John Corabi.”
ME: I’m fine with it, because unlike Steven Seagal, John Corabi does not have his own brand of knife.
FLAPJACKS: You promised never to mention Steven Seagal again! Oh god, now I’m saying it! Stop it! Stop it!
ME: Maybe we could talk about more long-dead hair rock bands. It’s like internet camouflage.

FLAPJACKS: So did you see the new Liam Neeson movie?
ME: Oh, you mean Liam Neeson Versus Wolves? Yeah. It was okay, I guess.
FLAPJACKS: Only “okay,” though? I was hoping that it would be a classic. Is it better than Liam Neeson Versus Kidnappers?
ME: Oh, it’s much better than that. Which, needless to say, makes it also much, much better than Liam Neeson Versus Amnesia.
FLAPJACKS: But I’m guessing it’s not better than Liam Neeson Versus Batman.
ME: Oh, heavens no.
FLAPJACKS: And not better than Liam Neeson Versus Outdated Ideas About Sexuality.
ME: Well, I don’t know that that’s a fair comparison. One is a serious dramatic study of an important modern figure in science, and the other is about punching wolves to death. Seems very apples-and-oranges.
FLAPJACKS: But they’re both movies, right? So we should be able to compare them on that basis. I mean, all the time critics are willing to compare trash cinema to high drama in an unflattering manner because they’re both movies. Because they’re critics. So can’t we do the same thing?
ME: I just don’t think the basis for comparison is strong. You might as well try to compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Holocaust.
FLAPJACKS: I see your point. Can we compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Grief Caused By A Loved One’s Death (And Also Hugh Grant Is In It)?
ME: He’s not even the main character in that one, so I would say no. Let’s try to stick to movies where Liam Neeson is central to the movie. So Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English is in –
FLAPJACKS: Aren’t there actually two of those?
ME: I think the second one is characterized more accurately as Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English and His Fellow Shortsighted Irish. But my point is both of those work, whereas Liam Neeson Versus Hades isn’t quite right because for some reason Hollywood thought that Sam Worthington is cooler than Liam Neeson.
FLAPJACKS: That is just crazy talk. But wait, how about Liam Neeson Versus George Lucas’ Dialogue? He’s not exactly the main character in that. I mean, it’s Star Wars, part whatever.
ME: I think Qui-Gon Jinn is really the main character of that movie, despite dying before the end. So it works. Main character in a large ensemble still counts, so Liam Neeson Versus Post-Revolutionary France qualifies, but Liam Neeson Versus The Protestant Nativists doesn’t because his character dies in the first fifteen minutes.
FLAPJACKS: Which would also disqualify Liam Neeson Versus The Crusades, I suppose. How about Liam Neeson Versus Ghosts?
ME: Counts, but only barely.
FLAPJACKS: So, now that we have established the basis for comparison, how good is Liam Neeson Versus Wolves?
ME: Well, let me put it this way: he really punches the shit out of those wolves.
FLAPJACKS: Can’t ask for more than that.

FLAPJACKS: Why are we here?
ME: Is that an existential question or a specific one?
FLAPJACKS: The second one. Why are we at the One of a Kind Show?
ME: Because I’m Christmas shopping.
FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t answer the question, though. That explains what you’re doing. It doesn’t explain why you’re in the land of magically high prices. We had to pay just to get in the door!
ME: No we didn’t.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, we didn’t, because you “know people.” But spiritually we paid to get in the door.
ME: That doesn’t make any sense.
FLAPJACKS: Neither does shopping where you have to pay fourteen bucks just to get in the door for the privilege of shopping, but hey, look at all these people.
ME: Look, there’s perfectly nice stuff here.
FLAPJACKS: I’m not saying it’s not nice. It’s very nice. Except for that guy selling the clay goblins.
ME: I missed that.
FLAPJACKS: He wanted thirty dollars each for the small ones. He wasn’t getting much traffic.
ME: So maybe he misjudged his potential market. Why is that so bad?
FLAPJACKS: Because he is this entire show in microcosm. Handmade stuff that nobody wants for too much money.
ME: Well, it’s handmade. The entire ethos of this show is –
FLAPJACKS: Look, I get it. It’s nice to have nice things that people made, sure, and not all of the stuff for sale here is clay goblins. But let’s be honest: we walked through this entire thing twice before you bought anything, and it was because you were visibly wincing at the prices.
ME: I was really hoping that wasn’t that obvious.
FLAPJACKS: It was.
ME: It’s not that it isn’t nice stuff.
FLAPJACKS: If I may give you an example? You looked appreciatively at a pepper mill that was made from a hollowed-out tree branch. And I agree, that was a clever bit of craftsmanship. But they wanted seventy dollars for that pepper mill, which, let’s be blunt, did not take more than a couple of hours to make if you don’t count the time for the lacquer on the outside to dry. Figure that the raw materials cost them ten bucks or so, including amortizing the cost of the drill, and that is sixty dollars’ worth of labour. That person is telling you that his labour to create tree-branch pepper mills is worth thirty dollars an hour. Extrapolate that out to a forty-hour workweek and that’s sixty thousand dollars a year in income. Is tree-branch pepper mill creation worth that?
ME: I think you’re picking an outside example that you perceive as particularly easy, simple and reproducible. I mean, there’s a guy here who makes watches. That’s not easy. Surely we’re willing to pay a premium for skill?
FLAPJACKS: Yeah, but you overlook the fact that his prices are actually reasonable. Like, he starts at $400 or so for a wristwatch and the craftsmanship is obvious. If you want a fancy watch, his watches are not unreasonable as compared to going to… okay, I don’t know who makes fancy watches in the corporate world. Fancy Watch Place or something. The watch guy’s wares are priced comparably to what one might buy elsewhere – as compared to the two other places that were selling watches, which were showier, uglier, and more expensive for what they were.
ME: This seems like a bad apples argument. The fashion sellers here aren’t overpricing as compared to designer originals. The artists selling painted goods aren’t selling their art for less than what you’d buy it elsewhere. Original anything is more expensive.
FLAPJACKS: But shouldn’t there be a ceiling on what more expensive should be? I mean, look at that circular scarf over there. It’s pretty nice, granted. But it’s twenty-eight bucks at American Apparel.
ME: But this one is handmade from wool. I think actually that might make a good Christmas present for somebody. Excuse me, how much are those scarves?
DEALER SPEAKING IN ROUGH FRENCH ACCENT: Fifty-five.
FLAPJACKS: I suppose that isn’t too bad.
ME: It’s only about double the price, and that’s fair for not having to pay to produce their I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-fetish-porn catalogue, right?
FLAPJACKS: I concur. Go forth and shop.
ME: All right. Excuse me, I would like to purchase this circular scarf, please.
OTHER DEALER SPEAKING MUCH BETTER ENGLISH: Well, that will be $135.
ME: Wait, what?
DEALER SPEAKING IN ROUGH FRENCH ACCENT: I am sorry, I think you mean regular scarf. Neverending scarf is one-thirty-five. I am sorry.
ME: Uh, yes. I have to just go hit a cash machine. I will be back… when I have enough money for this.
FLAPJACKS: We’re walking awfully fast here.
ME: Shutupshutupshutup.
FLAPJACKS: You realize they basically asked for an extra eighty bucks to sew the two ends of the scarf together?
ME: And that’s why I am not buying it. I will, in a very specific sense, never have enough money for that.
FLAPJACKS: Well, this is fascinating. We went from “I’m willing to pay that to avoid the fetish porn catalogue” to “okay, fine, I’ll pay to promote unhealthy depictions of women wearing T-shirts provocatively” in less than thirty seconds.
ME: I am not paying that much money for a scarf and I don’t care who knows it.
FLAPJACKS: Apparently you’re willing to sometimes pay double to buy ethically, but not five times as much. There’s probably an XKCD strip that could be made out of this incident.
ME: In all seriousness, I think you’re oversimplifying. At a certain point, doesn’t “handmade” lose attractiveness? I mean, this isn’t me endorsing slave labour, you understand. I avoid buying chocolate if I can’t be sure it isn’t the product of child labour, which discounts a lot of chocolate. But there’s nothing wrong with machine-produced goods so long as the machine operators get a fair wage and the goods are decent, and nowadays that is a fair amount of stuff.
FLAPJACKS: And I assume a fair wage is “whatever you think is reasonable” in this context?
ME: You’re being awfully judgemental today, you know that?
FLAPJACKS: I blame the clay goblin guy. When we passed his stall he was complaining that all the shoppers were buying the gourmet food things rather than clay goblins. What did you expect, clay goblin guy? The gourmet food items aren’t that much more expensive than regular food, and they give out free samples! Where is my free sample-size clay goblin?
ME: I’m pretty sure that business model doesn’t work, like, ever. Also I note your “whatever I think is reasonable” sarcasm is now coming back to bite you in the ass.
FLAPJACKS: Well, I think it’s time to re-evaluate the “artisan” business model. If you want to see things on the basis that you made them and this makes them intrinsically better than, I dunno, mass-produced clay goblins, then you have to come up with a way to sell more of them, and that means lowering your price at least a little.
ME: But isn’t this the “Henry Ford was wrong” scenario? That the only solution is for all of us to lower the cost of our labour until only a few can profit?
FLAPJACKS: I’ve already got that covered, Mr. Occupy Whatever. I plan to become a plutocrat.
ME: But you have no appreciable skills beyond a capability to borrow woks and not return them.
FLAPJACKS: Metaphorically, is that not more or less the entire premise of the financial industry at this point?
ME: …you make a reasonable point.

MGK: So it turns out that the people who are putting out Anonymous are also encouraging teachers to run lessons about how Shakespeare did not, in fact, write Shakespeare.
FLAPJACKS: I have no idea what that sentence is about.
MGK: Okay. So, you know Roland Emmerich?
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
MGK: He has directed a movie called Anonymous, which theorizes that the works of William Shakespeare were in fact written by the Earl of Oxford.
FLAPJACKS: …and?
MGK: What do you mean, “and”?
FLAPJACKS: And what blows up?
MGK: Nothing blows up.
FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t sound right. Are you sure the Globe Theatre doesn’t blow up?
MGK: I’m pretty sure, yes.
FLAPJACKS: Oh. So Shakespeare is an alien, then.
MGK: No.
FLAPJACKS: Look, you said this was a Roland Emmerich film, so either something blows up or there is aliens. There are rules about this.
MGK: Nothing blows up and there are no aliens.
FLAPJACKS: The Earl of Oxford is an alien, maybe.
MGK: There are no aliens.
FLAPJACKS: Queen Elizabeth?
MGK: No aliens.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe the Tower of London is a spaceship.
MGK: No aliens.
FLAPJACKS: Well, if there’s no aliens and no explosions, why did Emmerich even make this movie?
MGK: Well, he says “I like big ideas. That’s probably what combines Anonymous with my other films. You know, “What if Shakespeare was a fraud?” Or, “What would happen if finally, in one big storm, we get the bill for all the bad things we’ve done to the environment?” Or, “Godzilla comes to New York.” All big ideas, in a way, and you can say them in one sentence.”
FLAPJACKS: How is “Godzilla comes to New York” a big idea? Godzilla goes to cities and smashes them up. It’s basically the whole point of Godzilla. Godzilla movies are not about him having a nice dinner at a restaurant with Mothra and discussing their midlife crises.
MGK: I think, given the other examples in the sentence, you have to understand that a big idea for Roland Emmerich is not quite what we would call “a big idea” for other people.
FLAPJACKS: “Hey, guys, I just had this big idea! What if an asteroid hit the Earth? No, wait, I got a hundred of these! What if the Titanic sank? I can’t believe nobody’s thought of this yet!”
MGK: Yes. This is the sort of finely tuned mind that decides that a conspiracy about William Shakespeare is a big idea.
FLAPJACKS: Still, is it not worth considering whether Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare?
MGK: No.
FLAPJACKS: Well, maybe we should look at the pros and cons. For a start: his name is William Shakespeare. That seems like a “pro” to me right there.
MGK: That is indeed an excellent point.
FLAPJACKS: But perhaps we should consider the fact that he was, after all, only some lowly schlub and not an educated nobleman of class and leisure. I mean, how could a mere actor know of the existence of far-off countries like Italy and Denmark? It’s not like they had Wikipedia back then.
MGK: I believe they did, however, have books. Also, on occasion, they had foreigners.
FLAPJACKS: Mere trifles. Also, he wrote about aristocrats a lot, so therefore one could credibly argue that William Shakespeare’s plays were therefore written by a noble, because who knows more about nobles than other nobles?
MGK: The problem with this argument is that it therefore logically follows that Snooki from Jersey Shore wrote her own book, rather than having it ghostwritten.
FLAPJACKS: An excellent counter-argument, particularly given Snooki’s emergent status as “next Shakespeare.” Or, should we say, next Earl of Oxford.
MGK: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
FLAPJACKS: Me as well! But that’s not important: what’s important is the undeniable fact that Shakespeare was just a common-as-dirt plebe, and that five hundred years after his death, we can no longer find his original manuscripts proving that he was the writer, so therefore clearly it was a nobleman.
MGK: Yes, you have summed up the “Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare” argument quite neatly. By which, of course, I mean you have demonstrated that it’s really just a bunch of classist garbage spun forth by people who don’t want to admit, for whatever reason, that the greatest writer in the English language was basically just some nobody.
FLAPJACKS: Well, we do have to have standards. I mean, we can’t all be Snooki.
MGK: Throwing up in my mouth again.
FLAPJACKS: Yeah, me too.

MGK: So we’re back, watching Animalympics again.
FLAPJACKS: …I know that. Why are you saying that?
MGK: I’m setting the scene for my readers.
FLAPJACKS: It’s really annoying.
MGK: Anyway – so slalom star Kurt Wuffner is missing.

FLAPJACKS: Why is the entire search party looking for him composed of elephants? I mean, if you’re gonna pick an animal to be in an alpine search-and-rescue team, “elephant” wouldn’t even make my top thousand picks. Because elephants are big and heavy and not winter-friendly animals and aren’t really known for their mountain-climbing abilities.
MGK: They aren’t known for their gymnastics skill either, but that didn’t stop one from competing on the uneven bars! Elephants are doin’ it for themselves.
FLAPJACKS: “So we know this is a tragedy – but now, how about some bobsledding?”
MGK: And the European team – which is British – is composed of… are they beavers? They look basically like beavers. They have beaver tails. But beavers aren’t native to England.
FLAPJACKS: Immigrants.
MGK: I wonder how the Animalympicverse version of the BNP feels about beavers coming to England and takin their jerbs.
FLAPJACKS: I’m more interested in the octopus bobsledders from Italy. These are the first crustaceans/fish/insects we’ve seen competing so far, right? It’s all been reptiles, mammals and birds thus far. I think we’re seeing another facet of the dreadful class system in this universe.
MGK: Meanwhile, Kurt Wuffner is dying on a mountainside when suddenly he finds “Dogra-La.” I don’t remember if this is a real thing or if he’s just hallucinating prior to his death from exposure.
FLAPJACKS: Given that he’s turning to “the camera” to point at the sexy dog girls dressed in kimonos that all look exactly like him, I vote the latter.
MGK: But enough death hallucination! It is time for hockey now!
FLAPJACKS: The American team – for they wear USA colours – is populated by Quebecois bears, apparently. And the other team is bulls, because… I dunno, I’m out of logic to explain any of this now.
MGK: It is amusing that they are totally playing hockey up as a game where people try to murder one another.
FLAPJACKS: Well, this was the early 80s. The Broad Street Bullies era of the Philadelphia Flyers had just ended. Hockey players beat each other up all the time. It’s not like now, when they beat each other up for a purpose. They used to maim each other for fun… why is the arena exploding?
MGK: Because that’s funny.
FLAPJACKS: And because we were briefly entertained for a moment there, how about a pointless vignette featuring the coaches of the two marathon runners where silly voices are apparently supposed to be endlessly hilarious?
MGK: I blame Gilda Radner. Baba Wawa ruined things for a generation.
FLAPJACKS: This California otter isn’t really… funny in any way. Or even interesting. I mean – he’s a hippie, sorta? He drives a car, he’s a vegetarian, he surfs, he likes to hang out in a hot tub? Where are the jokes? These are just things Californians do. And not even most of them. I mean, they at least had Bolt Jenkins living in a sewer like a respectable New York alligator.
MGK: New Yorkers think making fun of California is endlessly hilarious. They will never admit it’s because of their latent insecurity issues, of course, but that’s why they think it’s endlessly hilarious.

FLAPJACKS: Hey, it’s a dolphin! Who… somehow has legs!
MGK: That freaks me out more than anything else in this cartoon so far. Including the lioness nipple flash.
FLAPJACKS: They’re so polite to not mention his horrible, terrifying mutation.
MGK: And one of the swimming contestants is a manta ray! So that makes two non-traditionally-cute animals competing!
FLAPJACKS: I like how the octopuses get drummed into multiple competitions in the Animalympics. It’s like the animators just gave up trying to think of animals to draw. “Ah, let’s just use the fucking octopuses again.”
FLAPJACKS: In proud Animalympics tradition, the Japanese athlete is named “Ono Nono.” HA HA HA it’s funny because it’s racist!
MGK: At least the American announcers are acting like American announcers and only concerning themselves with how the American athlete will do. That’s realism for you.
FLAPJACKS: And now, the “hundred-meter dive.” Which is appropriately ludicrous for a cartoon.
MGK: And the bird diver is totally cheating! He is flying! That should be some sort of disqualification, not reason to give points. This world makes no sense!
FLAPJACKS: It’s a world with talking animals that can’t remember how many continents exist. I think that was more or less a given, wasn’t it?
MGK: That having been said, the hallucination sequence that the California otter has is actually decently trippy animation and the music is fun.
FLAPJACKS: The “history of Animalympics” sequence is… weird. I mean, you know they wrote it just so the animators could draw dinosaurs doing sports, but then they have no animated dinosaurs doing sports.
MGK: Also, the “pot showing the earliest depiction of animal sports” has dinosaurs on it. That pot is therefore tens of millions of years old. It should be dust. But it is not dust. Did dinosaurs die out much later in the Animalympic world?
FLAPJACKS: Consider, if you will, that at the beginning of the movie, the Animalympic Torch is lit off fire breathed by a dragon. I don’t think it’s a stretch to have dinosaurs still be alive.
MGK: Then where are the dodos?
FLAPJACKS: Well, that would just be silly.
MGK: And we’re back to the downhill skiing and the Kurt Wuffner saga. Since Kurt Wuffner is dying on a hill somewhere, we are introduced to a boar who has been rebuilt with bionic technology “for speed.”
FLAPJACKS: Shame he wipes out early.
MGK: Okay, you know what’s bitchy? This boar is clearly suffering through a major near-death experience right now, and the announcers don’t seem to care at all. Bitchy Dog Announcer makes a joke about him being used for “spare parts.” Ah, cartoons, you are heartless.
FLAPJACKS: And Kurt Wuffner returns and wins, of course.

MGK: Here’s what I don’t get. Right before Wuffner returns, the announcers are whining about how the best time today was a “disappointing” minute-fifty-eight. Then Wuffner shows up, and finishes the course in a minute-fifty-six-point-eight-nine. That is only about a second faster. These announcers are whiny.
FLAPJACKS: Is a second a big timespan for competitive downhill skiing?
MGK: Quickly checking Wikipedia, it looks like generally the top ten skiers in a downhill real-life Olympic event usually span about two seconds’ overall difference. That would make Wuffner’s time better by a lot. I withdraw my complaints as regard realism, but maintain that the announcers are whiny bitches.
FLAPJACKS: Why is that?
MGK: Name three sports announcers you really like.
FLAPJACKS: That’s easy –
MGK: Who aren’t dead and therefore can still bore or annoy you.
FLAPJACKS: Well then. Zero.
MGK: My point exactly. They should’ve just done narrative stories instead of the fake sportscast. The most entertaining bits of this thing are always when they get away from the sportscast and focus on individual characters. I mean, the goat/lion marathon battle is weird, yes, but at least it’s interesting.
FLAPJACKS: Speaking of which, the goat and the lion are officially now in love, it seems. Despite, you know, not having talked or spoken to one another during the race.
MGK: Well, that’s how love works sometimes.
FLAPJACKS: No, it doesn’t.
MGK: True. But, on the bright side, we get to see the announcers lose their shit over the goat and the lion running hand-in-hand. “Is it an international conspiracy?” asks Henry Kissinger Turtle.
FLAPJACKS: Then the turtle orders bombing in Cambodia. Tens of thousands die over his taking offense at the goat and lion’s relationship, born in the heat of competition.
MGK: Dark!
FLAPJACKS: Only that sort of thing can distract us from the worst part of this yet, which is Billy Crystal voice-acting against Billy Crystal.
MGK: This is offensive on so many levels.
FLAPJACKS: Could this get any worse?
MGK: Sure it could. For example, Robin Williams could show up and voice-act his “look at me, I’m pretending to be a black guy” bit. Or his Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. Or, really. anything Robin Williams does, since his characters haven’t changed since we were eight.
FLAPJACKS: Oh, man, I just realized Billy Crystal is trying to imitate Muhammad Ali. That’s so wrong.
MGK: …why do I think that Billy Crystal, as the turkey interviewing the defeated boxer who isn’t Billy Crystal, is doing a reference?
FLAPJACKS: Because he is. Howard Cosell did that thing, remember, where he called someone who lost a match of some kind or another a bum who had let down his country?
MGK: I forgot for a second Billy Crystal doesn’t so much do jokes as he does riffs on people who exist.
FLAPJACKS: “Volleyball is rapidly becoming one of the most popular sports in the world.” Really? Did I miss something?
MGK: Even the referee looks bored here. I mean, lobsters playing volleyball, you’d think that was funny, but no.
FLAPJACKS: And we’re back to the marathoners! For some reason, they have decided to ask random athletes what they think of the goat and the lion being in love. The racist penguin makes some martial arts noises. The California otter says nothing of consequence. This feels like they’re padding out the show at this point.

MGK: Bizarrely, the weightlifting competition is somewhere in between a professional wrestling competition and a beauty pageant. This makes no sense at all, and I say that in comparison to the entire rest of this cartoon. Compared to this, the rest of the cartoon is perfectly sensible.
FLAPJACKS: Even the fencing segment, which turns into a swashbuckling fight scene?
MGK: That’s perfectly acceptable, because every fencer wishes that fencing actually had jumping about the room and vaulting through the air and swinging on chandeliers and dramatic entrances and exits and punning as elements of competition.
FLAPJACKS: The turtle once again insists that the continents are “locked in a five-way tie,” ignoring that at this point they’ve identified seven different competing teams, not counting Scandinavia, which may be something else altogether. Once again, he is offended that the goat and lion are in love.
FLAPJACKS: And they win together, after a musical sequence, and the fans… I dunno. I can’t care about it any more.
MGK: And this show wraps up with some shots of the “crew” and recap sequences, because re-using footage saves you lots of money when you’re animating.
FLAPJACKS: So was this as good as you remembered?
MGK: God no. You know what? We should all be thankful for Pixar. We really should. The musical stylings of one-quarter of 10cc aside, this was mostly pretty bad.
FLAPJACKS: Nostalgia lies. Except for TRON.
MGK: Well. Actually.
FLAPJACKS: SHUT UP I WILL CUT YOU.

FLAPJACKS: So what are we watching?
MGK: “We?”
FLAPJACKS: Well, I brought back your wok, so I figure I might as well hang out.
MGK: That’s not my wok. That’s a frying pan.
FLAPJACKS: So?
MGK: You had my wok for three years.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, and now we’re watching something. Keep up! What are we watching?
MGK: Animalympics. It’s an old cartoon from when I was a kid.
FLAPJACKS: …why are we watching this?
MGK: I used to watch this all the time when I was six. I remember one time, my parents were going out for the evening, so they took me to the video store and I got it for like the fifth time, but I’d accidentally gotten it in Beta instead of VHS, so my dad actually took me back to get the right one.
FLAPJACKS: That is deeply touching. Your life is a Hallmark card. So why are we watching it?
MGK: Because I’m curious to see how bad, in fact, it actually was.

FLAPJACKS: Fair enough – wait, that announcer sounds like Harry Shearer.
MGK: Bingo! It is Harry Shearer, explaining “Mount Animalympus.”
FLAPJACKS: That sounds dirty.
MGK: There’s probably going to be a lot of that.
FLAPJACKS: So, wait, animals carry the Oly…Animalympic Torch over water? What happens if that seal drops the torch?
MGK: Overthinking it.
FLAPJACKS: Like we’re going to do anything else?
MGK: Point.
FLAPJACKS: “Featuring the voices of” Gilda Radner, Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer and… some other person!
MGK: This was originally made by NBC as a pair of specials in 1980, which explains the cast. But the summer special never aired because of the Moscow boycott.
FLAPJACKS: Did you know that at the time?
MGK: Yes, because I was a geopolitically-interested six-year-old. No, of course I didn’t know.
FLAPJACKS: …why does the announcer turtle sound like Henry Kissinger?
MGK: I have no idea.
FLAPJACKS: I see Gilda Radner is doing her Baba Wawa voice.
MGK: And Harry Shearer is doing his Kent Brockman voice.
FLAPJACKS: And Gilda Radner does a slightly different voice.
MGK:And Billy Crystal does a bad Howard Cosell impersonation.
FLAPJACKS: And… wait, are they giving us highlights of the movie in advance?
MGK: Padding for the home video market, I think.
FLAPJACKS: That’s just sad.
MGK: A “grazing-room only crowd” at the stadium.
FLAPJACKS: But what about the carnivores? Are they telling us that the Animalympics are herbivore-centric?
MGK: Are you surprised? Herbivores control the animal media, you know. They just want to make a perfectly valid lifestyle choice a crime.
FLAPJACKS: A choice? Ahem. Carnivores were just born that way.
MGK: I stand corrected.
FLAPJACKS: …okay, they really put way too much effort into making sure that rhino’s butt moved in a taut, rhythmic manner.
MGK: Are you bothered?
FLAPJACKS: No. But it’s weird. Wait, why does the “mayor of Animalympic Island” sound like a Richard Nixon impersonation? Did Rich Little need some work that week?
MGK: Dude, that Nixon is nowhere near Rich Little’s. Rich Little does quality Nixon. It’s practically his calling card.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, that sports graphic looked appropriately cheesy. I can believe this was made in 1980.
MGK: “Rene Fromage.” That is the name of the European marathoning goat. “Frenchy McFrance” was already taken, I guess.
FLAPJACKS: Oh, man. This is all gonna be things that bad comedians think kids will find funny, isn’t it?
MGK: This hails from an era where Leonard Maltin was the only man over 25 who would admit he still watched cartoons. This is not going to be sophisticated or clever, I think.
FLAPJACKS: “Kit Mambo” is, I take it, his nemesis in the film.
MGK: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: And again with the ass. Man, these animators were butt-lovers, huh?
MGK: Try not to think about it.
FLAPJACKS: And we’re over to gymnastics. Okay, so this mink is… oh, wait, no, not an athlete, another interviewer. And she’s interviewing another mink.
MGK: Oh, yes, I remember this from when I was a kid. I thought they were ripping off Bugs Bunny even then.
FLAPJACKS: Did you really?
MGK: Probably not, no.
FLAPJACKS: But wait, she visibly fucks up during the routine and still gets a perfect 10? Is this commentary on the Soviet system here?
MGK: Given that the coach is prepared to hang himself if she fails, I suspect so. Subtlety is not what you expect to find here.

FLAPJACKS: And this gymnast is a hippo who hails from “Fatgard,” competing for Europe.
MGK: Why is a hippo competing for Europe? They don’t live in Europe.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe she emigrated. Ever think of that?
MGK: But she’s teaching all those other hippos to swim. Are there German hippos we don’t know about?
FLAPJACKS: It would be just like those Germans to keep a secret hippo community hidden from the rest of the world!
MGK: It would?
FLAPJACKS: I dunno. Wait – the pommel horses at the Animalympics are actual horses?
MGK: Well, the starting gun for the marathon was a bird that they squeezed to squawk, like in The Flintstones.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but in The Flintstones, humans are still in charge. This use of animals as tools sort of implies a slavery-based system.
MGK: So basically what you’re saying is that the Animalympics are a distraction for the masses? Distracting them from their downtrodden position through sport?
FLAPJACKS: Yes, that’s exactly it. Why is this penguin Japanese?
MGK: “Asian.”
FLAPJACKS: But he’s Japanese. He’s clearly Japanese. His name is “Kwakimoto.” That is clearly a takeoff from Japanese naming conventions. And he is initially shown in a crowd full of other Japanese penguins waiting for the subway.
MGK: Even so, in the Animalympics there are only five continents competing.
FLAPJACKS: But they’ve already identified athletes from “Asia,” “Eurasia” and “Europe,” along with African and North American athletes.
MGK: There was also a South American anteater competing in the marathon.
FLAPJACKS: Oh my god, did they blow up Australia?
MGK: Well, I don’t –
FLAPJACKS: I bet they did. Those marsupials would be like horrific aliens to these walking, talking animals.
MGK: Can’t we just go back to talking about the racist cariacature in penguin form? Listen! His martial art is called “No-Can-Do!”
FLAPJACKS: Asians love martial arts!
MGK: And Harry Shearer is doubling down on the vaguely racist mock-Asian gibberish. “Me-Washy-You-Facey.” “Say-You-Punky.”
FLAPJACKS: You had horrible taste as a kid.
MGK: It was the early Eighties. Everybody had horrible taste then.
FLAPJACKS: And I note that, after the elephant gymnast wipes out on the uneven bars, the winners in women’s gymnastics are “Eurasia” and “Asia.” My geography theory continues to be supported.
MGK: More racist penguin!
FLAPJACKS: More marathon!
MGK: You know what’s weird about the marathon? The male goat is a very typical, asexual cartoon character, and the female lion is sexualized with distinct feminine curves. It’s honestly kind of creepy if you think about it: this is training kids to accept a double standard for male and female appearance.
FLAPJACKS: Also it’s a goat and a lion. The lion is not attempting to eat the goat.
MGK: There is that.
FLAPJACKS: And in passing, a panda athlete is identified as Yu Fat Ting. This cartoon just keeps getting more and more racist!
MGK: And the tour of the commissary! There are literally big chops of meat just waiting to be eaten by carnivore athletes there. They slaughtered presumably-intelligent animals to do it. This is so fucked up.
FLAPJACKS: Wait, it turns out Animalympic Island is being powered by slave labour!
MGK: Look, we don’t know that those snakes serving as tow cables are slaves. Perhaps they’re fairly compensated. Maybe they’re union.
FLAPJACKS: What type of seniority do you need to avoid being a cable? What do you move up to? Shoelace?
MGK: THAT’S SNAKE-RACIST! Armist? Limbist? Whatever.
FLAPJACKS: Figure skating! And there’s more “Eurasian” athletes. Where does Eurasia end and Asia begin?
MGK: More importantly, why is a salamander marrying a chicken?
FLAPJACKS: They’re in love. Duh.
MGK: …OH MY GOD THIS ANIMAL WORLD HAS AN EQUIVALENT OF “PLAYBOY.” You know what this means? It is standard for denizens of this world to beat off to animals outside their species.
FLAPJACKS: Well, it happens here too.
MGK: But it’s not normal.
FLAPJACKS: Dude, are you going to start making anti-miscegenation comments now?
MGK: They’re actually different species!
FLAPJACKS: And you don’t have any idea that they even do this, you know. Maybe there is porn for every species in this world. Like, “Playdog.” And… “Playgull.” And…
MGK: “Rustler.”
FLAPJACKS: “Flank.”
MGK: “Scenthouse.” We’re too good at this. We should stop.
FLAPJACKS: Wait wait wait – the flamingo skating star skates professionally in the “Ice Parades?” Are they saying that the Animalympics doesn’t respect the difference between amateur and professional athletes? Well. I am shocked.
MGK: I’m more trying to figure out how a cobra took third in figure skating. Where does it put on the skate?

FLAPJACKS: Too slow! We have moved on to an alligator doing a John Travolta impersonation!
MGK: Ah, good old Bolt Jenkins.
FLAPJACKS: You remembered this?
MGK: Surprisingly, yes. They’re about to do high jumps of 77 feet.
FLAPJACKS: Man, they aren’t even trying to suspend my disbelief!
MGK: This is a cartoon that can’t quite remember how many continents there are, you know.
FLAPJACKS: But they can remember to play his theme music as he pole vaults 180 feet.
MGK: And then a Wheaties parody before we get a musical montage.
FLAPJACKS: Oh my god, they bothered to do a race-walking bit?
MGK: That pigeon is totally going to out-race-walk that beaver!
FLAPJACKS: These are kind of boring. They couldn’t come up with any gags for the all-skunk relay team?
MGK: Well, that elephant and that… coyote?… are hitting each other with lacrosse sticks rather than play. That’s kind of funny to a kid, right?
FLAPJACKS: Was it?
MGK: I don’t know.
FLAPJACKS: Seriously, they could just keep showing me the race-walkers. That was actually legitimately funny. Because race-walking looks silly – and now they’re back to long takes of waggling anthropomorphized animal butts.
MGK: Okay, is this an equestrian event? Or the equivalent thereof? Because it makes no sense. No sense at all.
FLAPJACKS: They totally need some guy running alongside banging coconuts together.
MGK: And apparently the no-questrian event has a deathtrap in it. That seems sort of cruel.
FLAPJACKS: Dude, they make the competitors do 180-foot pole vaults. The Animalympics depend on death-sports to keep competitors from wondering why herbivores and carnivores aren’t always at war with one another.
MGK: I’m just wondering why the organizers decided to have all the events at the same time. It looks like a lot of athletes are getting hit by hammer-toss hammers.
FLAPJACKS: And now… the 100 meter dash!
MGK: Harry Shearer’s announcer: “Ah, 46 seconds. Not bad for fatso.” Uh, no, that is a terrible time. I’m pretty sure you can do a hundred meters in an electric wheelchair in 46 seconds.
FLAPJACKS: So, competing in the dash, we’ve got an African, a “Eurasian,” Bolt Jenkins – who, I note, is an “American,” and I’m not sure if that means he’s from the Americas or if they think the USA is a continent – and a rabbit from Europe. This whole “five continents” thing still bothers me, because at this point it looks like both South America and Australia have been destroyed.
MGK: And Bolt Jenkins wins the gold medal, and then gives it away to the African runner because the other athlete was “better” than him. Uh, Bolt Jenkins, this is sports. It’s not the Academy Awards. There is no qualitiative discussion going on here. You were faster.
FLAPJACKS: I dunno. That cheetah seems quite happy to get a pity medal. He’s probably thinking “as a stereotypical African, I am probably expected to say something about how this can feed my entire village for a year!”
MGK: Ugh. Back to the marathon!
FLAPJACKS: And the goat and the lion are becoming attracted to one another!
MGK: That must be confusing for the lion to be attracted to what it, let’s face it, her prey.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, I – OH MY GOD A DISCO SEQUENCE?

MGK: Oh, yes, they needed to pad out the time somehow. I mean, come on. Disco. Who doesn’t love disco? After all, this was 1980 so it was totally cutting edge and relevant. Hey, look, it’s the racist penguin again!
FLAPJACKS: Hey, wait! I just saw a team of four platypi! That means Australia isn’t destroyed after all?
MGK: You never know. Maybe they’re refugees.
FLAPJACKS: I never thought of that. Maybe they’re protected by species-rights legislation. A distinct society. They probably can’t get jobs anywhere because they bear live young and then nurse them in pouches.
MGK: And Bolt Jenkins again! In a Travolta-style white disco suit! Just in case you didn’t yet understand that Bolt Jenkins is intended to be a John Travolta parody, it’s another hint for you!
FLAPJACKS: You know what’s interesting? That sort of joke wouldn’t work today.
MGK: I don’t think it worked then.
FLAPJACKS: No, wait, think about it. That joke depends on commonality of celebrity culture. You can get laughs parodying John Travolta in the 1980s because everybody knew Travolta. Can you do it today? Who’s a big enough celebrity that everybody will go “oh, that guy?” Will Smith, maybe? And Will Smith isn’t funny to parody because he’s Will Smith.
MGK: I get your point, but there’s also the important factor that this cartoon impersonation isn’t even remotely funny, so how would we know?
FLAPJACKS: Needs more Rich Little.
MGK: And now we see some soccer, as the Germans – okay, the “Europeans,” but come on, we know they’re the Germans – clean the clocks of the American team from New York. So this is at least realistic.
FLAPJACKS: Incidentally, the fact that they then defeat the “South American Llamas” merely upholds my belief that something is deeply weird here. We’ve been told there are five continents competing, but so far there are teams from South America, “America,” Europe, Asia, Africa and “Eurasia.” Is there some sort of civil war going on in Eurasia? Two breakaway republics?
MGK: Maybe Bolt Jenkins isn’t from “America.” Maybe he’s actually Brazilian. And New York, in Animal World, is in Chile. It could happen.
FLAPJACKS: And we still don’t know about the Aussies.
MGK: Well, they are busy going back to the marathon and the oversexualized lion who is inexplicably falling in love with a goat she should more properly regard as a snack.
FLAPJACKS: Well, the goat clearly lusts after the lion as well. That makes more sense. I would expect many goats have secret desires to sexually humiliate their predators.
MGK: Do you really want to speculate about this? I mean, you’re one step away from hardcore disturbing bronyhood at this point.
FLAPJACKS: Actually, I want to talk about his hallucination/dream sequence. Because, in this sequence, he hallucinates human women which he pointedly avoids, because he is concentrating on the gold medal of course, but still. That suggests that in this world, they knew humans existed at one point.
MGK: My god. I think you have cracked the code.
FLAPJACKS: Really?
MGK: No. I was actually more interested in the fact that they depicted him as smoking. I mean, even though he’s French, I would have thought 1980 was late enough that they wouldn’t show cartoons smoking any longer.
FLAPJACKS: OH GOD THE MEDAL HAS TURNED INTO THE SEXY LION AND IT HAS NIPPLES AND EVERYTHING.
MGK: This cartoon just keeps getting more and more disturbing.
FLAPJACKS: How did you not end up a furry if this was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid?
MGK: I’m not sure. But regardless: that is one damn demented goat.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, in the slalom skiing, we see competitors from Europe, North America, South America, and Scandinavia. Which is not a continent! My god, what is the situation in Eurasia? Have the Finns convinced the rest of the Nordic countries to go it alone?
MGK: There’s got to be some brutal war going on that we’re missing because we can’t get past Billy Crystal’s godawful “funny” Swedish accent. Billy Crystal: willing to make kids miserable since… well, forever.
FLAPJACKS: It is so bad that we almost missed Kurt Wuffner’s disappearance! After a triumphant victory in the slalom, he has disappeared while climbing a mountain!
MGK: Approximately thirty seconds later, apparently.
FLAPJACKS: This smells fishy. I believe there is foul play afoot. Why would a devoted extreme athlete decide to climb a mountain in between his two primary events? I think this stinks of Eurasian manipulation!
MGK: Certainly. After all, note that Wuffner’s disappearance gives the win to Scandinavia. Presumably the Scandinavians are rebels warring against the European regime, and Eurasia’s central committee seeks to embarrass the EU, which broke away from it, by repeating their rebellion in microcosm – at the Animalympics!
FLAPJACKS: This goes down so many layers it’s scary! But I think I need a break.
MGK: Agreed. There is only so much Billy Crystal “funny voice” schtick one can hande in a day. We’ll finish it tomorrow. After you return my wok.

FLAPJACKS: So how about that Game of Thrones preview?
ME: I saw it already.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, so how about it?
ME: It was fine.
FLAPJACKS: “It was fine.”
ME: Yep.
FLAPJACKS: Here we are, about to embark on the great nerd adventure of our generation –
ME: I think technically this isn’t our generation anymore.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe for you. I am filled with the power of youth.
ME: Ew.
FLAPJACKS: I am all about that Justin Bieber. His pop songs amuse and delight.
ME: Okay, now you’re just kind of sad.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway, here we are about to embark on this great nerd adventure and you’re playing it all cool? Come on, you aren’t fooling anybody. The arrows that they’re shooting have been individually fletched! That is attention to detail!
ME: True.
FLAPJACKS: Are you one of those people who can’t bring themselves to be enthusiastic because you think the books will never be finished?
ME: No, I think Martin will finish the books. He has additional incentive now.
FLAPJACKS: He didn’t before? It’s a crazy successful fantasy series.
ME: There is fantasy nerd money, and then there is HBO TV series money. Martin is now getting the second sort of money. It is a better sort of money that is never spent on anime-girl-boobs-mousepads. This sort of money does not know that steampunk is a thing. It thinks Wild Wild West is steampunk. It is well-bred money, and therefore infinitely superior. Once you have some of that money, you will do anything to keep getting it.
FLAPJACKS: So what you’re saying is that now he’s going to get a lot more money and really finish the books.
ME: Basically, yes. And if he dies early –
FLAPJACKS: Because he’s a fatty?
ME: I was going to skip over probable causes, myself.
FLAPJACKS: It’s not my fault the greatest fantasy writer of our time looks like a decrepit hobo.
ME: Be nice.
FLAPJACKS: Well, he does. I bet his train name is “Sidecar King George The Third.”
ME: Anyway, if he dies early, Hollywood will pay somebody a lot of money to finish the books from his notes. Probably Brandon Sanderson or Kevin Anderson or someone whose name rhymes with either of them. If you’re a fantasy writer looking to make it in the big leagues finishing other peoples’ work, you could do worse than to change your name to “Ganderson.”
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but what if he doesn’t finish the books in time for the series to get made on time?
ME: I’m not worried about that.
FLAPJACKS: But it took him six years and counting to write the fifth book. He’s got at best five years before the TV series catches up. Can he write two books in that time? How can you not be worried about that?
ME: Two reasons. Firstly, the TV series has smartly aged-up some of the kiddie characters, which was a good idea anyway because nobody really wants to see TV where people we would reasonably consider little kids are brutally assaulted or forced into arranged marriages.
FLAPJACKS: I’m sure there are fantasy nerds who would disagree and say that’s exactly what they want to see.
ME: Yes, but they are bad people. And second, I don’t think the TV series will last long enough to make it through to the end of the books, even if Martin gets them all finished on time.
FLAPJACKS: You don’t think it’s good? I watched the preview! The Others look like demon-zombies that you barely see! Sean Bean says “winter is coming” and it is absolutely perfect! Peter Dinklage is Tyrion and fulfills an entire internet’s worth of fantasy casting just by his very existence!
ME: No, I think it’s excellent. And I’ve seen the whole pilot already.
FLAPJACKS: How –
ME: TV critic.
FLAPJACKS: And you didn’t invite me over to watch them?
ME: Confidentiality agreement.
FLAPJACKS: You never care about those.
ME: I do with the HBO ones. HBO sends you a lot of awesome stuff if you’re a TV critic. I got to see the entirety of The Pacific six weeks before it aired. That was pretty sweet. I’m not messing up that deal.
FLAPJACKS: But if it’s so good why don’t you think it’ll last? Is this you being a cynic and believing nothing is good in human nature again?
ME: Not at all.
FLAPJACKS: So you believe now that people have generally good taste?
ME: Don’t be stupid. No, I think Game of Thrones will be popular. But I don’t think it’ll be popular enough. It has to justify its crazy high costs. Those individually fletched arrows don’t grow on trees, you know. They had to go out in the woods to find a crazy old man to fletch them some arrows, and then the crazy old man charged them six barrels of moonshine per arrow because he knew city folks when he saw them. And everything else costs money too: the CGI backdrops, the costuming, the armor, the stuntwork, all of it. We haven’t even seen a battle scene yet. Imagine how much money that’s going to cost!
FLAPJACKS: Maybe they could do everything with CGI sets like Star Wars.
ME: Listen to yourself.
FLAPJACKS: I retract my previous statement.
ME: Good. But here’s the truth: HBO will give this a lot of traction because it’s a prestige product that will draw eyeballs and get critics to jizz themselves. But that only goes so far: networks still gotta make dollars, and this show will need to be the next Sopranos or twice as better to break even.
FLAPJACKS: That’s depressing. Hey, can I borrow some peanut oil? I want to try a new stirfry recipe with my wok.
ME: …you mean my wok.
FLAPJACKS: I’m almost sure you’re wrong about that.

FLAPJACKS: We totally need to set up a D&D game.
ME: There is never a time when that sentence is true.
FLAPJACKS: But I wanna be a paramander!
ME: That sounds dirty.
FLAPJACKS: No, seriously! They’re a variant class from first edition AD&D.
ME: …this is out of an old copy of Dragon magazine, isn’t it.
FLAPJACKS: Possibly. Why?
ME: You do realize some of the variant classes in Dragon were… stupid, right? Jesters? Timelords? Courtesans? Accountants?
FLAPJACKS: Wait, “timelords”? Does that mean Doctor Who shows up in Dungeons and Dragons Land to fight dragons?
ME: First off, “the Doctor.” Second off, he wouldn’t fight the dragons. He would just have tea with them and maybe a bit of a chitchat. Until the red dragons would try something stupid and genocidal, at which point he would have to unleash something bad upon them.
FLAPJACKS: I was kidding. Doctor Who isn’t in Dungeons and Dragons.
ME: The Doctor is in everything. Except Noddy.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway I forgot why we were talking about Doctor Who when I want to play a paramander.
ME: You still haven’t told me what the fuck a paramander is.
FLAPJACKS: It’s like a paladin, but it’s true neutral.
ME: So they charge into battle yelling “for the glory of… everybody equally!”
FLAPJACKS: You know true neutral doesn’t work like that.
ME: True neutral doesn’t work at all. It’s a stupid alignment. Most of the alignments are stupid. That’s why they’re fun.
FLAPJACKS: You’re ruining this.
ME: Wait, so lemme get this straight. First they made paladins. Then, because D&D nerds like Frank Frazetta artwork a lot, they made anti-paladins, because anti-paladins couldn’t think of a better name.
FLAPJACKS: “Anti-paladin” is cool. Like antimatter.
ME: It’s a word for people who couldn’t invent words. I admit that “paramander” sounds neat. I’m not sure what it has to do with being true neutral, in between the lawful good paladin and the chaotic evil anti…
FLAPJACKS: What?
ME: I’m just guessing here, but I’m willing to bet whatever terrible Dragon magazine article that had the paramander in it had a paladin equivalent for every other alignment, didn’t it.
FLAPJACKS: Well. Yes.
ME: Like?
FLAPJACKS: There’s the chaotic good garath…
ME: So basically they’re saying that chaotic good paladins are all Scottish.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t – actually that kind of works.
ME: Of course it does. Next?
FLAPJACKS: The lyan, which is lawful neutral.
ME: Uh huh.
FLAPJACKS: The illrigger, which is lawful evil.
ME: He sounds piratey.
FLAPJACKS: Well, he wears platemail.
ME: That’s not very piratey. Illriggers have a very bad name. And not just because they’re evil. You’re an evil warlord, you need some pirates, somebody tells you “oh there’s this ninth level illrigger” and you’re all “well, I’m set” and then this knighty-guy shows up and you’re all “wait, where’s the illrigger I sent for?” And he’s all “I’m here” and you’re all “whaaaaaaaa?”
FLAPJACKS: You’re taking all the fun out of this.
ME: It’s first edition AD&D. It’s entirely likely that I’m injecting fun into it. What else?
FLAPJACKS: There’s the myrikhan and the arrikhan, which are the neutral good and neutral evil ones.
ME: Those sound like very “ninth-grader doodling on back of notebook” types of names.
FLAPJACKS: In the original Creation Argots their names mean “godservant” and “beastservant.”
ME: In the original what now?
FLAPJACKS: It says it in the article. Dragon magazine would not lie to me.
ME: Unless it was saying “hey, ‘baatezu’ is WAY cooler than ‘devil’ is. And ‘tanar’ri’ is much more awesome than ‘demon.'”
FLAPJACKS: Point.
ME: Wait, we haven’t done chaotic neutral yet.
FLAPJACKS: …I don’t want to.
ME: Come on. How bad could it be?
FLAPJACKS: …the fantra.
ME: The “fantra.”
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: Wow.
FLAPJACKS: I know.
ME: Why do you want to play a paramander again?
FLAPJACKS: Because they get lots of cool powers.
ME: Neutral powers.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, I’ll just go play World of Warcraft instead.
ME: Fine.
FLAPJACKS: Can I borrow twenty dollars to renew my account?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: Can I borrow thirty dollars to not sit here and talk to you about paramanders?
ME: Done.

1.)

ME: Team Dating Couple #47 On The Left can’t find the flags for the airline.
FLAPJACKS: Well, at least they’re getting it out of the way early this season.
ME: What?
FLAPJACKS: The “one team decides that THIS moment is the time when the producers finally decide to not mark something Race-related with a flag.” They always mark everything with flags. You might miss the flags, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. If you see no flag ANYWHERE, odds are you are not where you are supposed to be and no, this is not your challenge or destination.
ME: Well, they don’t mark the entire route with flags. I mean, countries would get angry.
FLAPJACKS: This is true. We have enough problems that are flag-related as it is.
ME: Luckily, Team Dating And Shouts At Each Other recovers! Oh boy! I sure am glad they’ll stick around. Teams like this remind you of how awesome the rest of the Race is because they are so terrible.
FLAPJACKS: That’s like saying ice cream would be better if you put a blob of poop on it. Your theory is flawed.

2.)

ME: My word, is that an actual clue rather than a “go here and do that” statement?
FLAPJACKS: It is indeed!
ME: THIS IS THE TOUGHEST RACE EVER!
FLAPJACKS: Just like Phil said! Phil would not lie to us.

3.)

FLAPJACKS: You know, for the British leg of the trip, I was rather expecting something more Britishy. What do we get? Stonehenge, something to do with a castle, something vaguely to do with knights, and bad boats.
ME: Come on. These are tremendously British. First off, they gave the actors the chance to show off their terrible oral hygiene. Secondly, we got to re-enact Dark Ages-era British-style castle defense, which explains why everybody conquered them so many times before Norman the Conqueror decided that he might as well stay. It is actually true that early British people thought that hurling dirty water at your enemies would make them stop raiding the castle.
FLAPJACKS: Are you going to suggest next that the watermelon hurling has anything to do with anything?
ME: No, that was a production error. They were originally going to have the contestants swim in a giant vat of chicken tikka masala searching for clues, but the vat didn’t show up in time. So they had to cover, and they had all these knights around for flavour, and thus…

4.)

ME: Okay, so are the tattoo people the stupidest team ever?
FLAPJACKS: Well, on the one hand they got lost multiple times, didn’t understand the riddle, didn’t know what Stonehenge was, didn’t even know Stonehenge existed, thought a “battlement” was a person, and walked past the big pile of boats multiple times as they looked for boats. On the other hand, they did not try to eat their clue envelope. This is too close to call.
ME: I worry that they are lowering the bar too low for stupid teams. It’s only a matter of time before somebody tries to eat a clue envelope.
FLAPJACKS: And then get indignant when it turns out that was the wrong thing to do.
ME: “It made sense at the time!”
FLAPJACKS: …and now one of them thinks London is a country.
ME: I think the other one is eyeing that clue and thinking “man, I’m hungry.”

FLAPJACKS: So how’s the new job?
ME: Fine.
FLAPJACKS: Just “fine”?
ME: It’s a good job.
FLAPJACKS: Are you defending the innocent with legal stuff?
ME: Sorta.
FLAPJACKS: Oh. Are you working for The Man?
ME: Not really.
FLAPJACKS: So you’re in that grey indeterminate haze of legal morality?
ME: Basically?
FLAPJACKS: Well, I guess that’s all right for the time being so long as you can loan me money.
ME: I can’t.
FLAPJACKS: Then it is a horrible injustice of a work environment and I demand you increase your standards.
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: But seriously, why is it “fine?”
ME: I’m working in a small law office. I like that. It’s hands-on. What’s not fine about that?
FLAPJACKS: Do you have to wear a tie?
ME: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: Then that’s not fine.
ME: Well, in law you don’t usually get to not wear a tie.
FLAPJACKS: You could work for some hippie law firm. I bet they don’t wear ties.
ME: If I want to go to court, I have to wear a tie. It’s kind of the rules. Even hippie lawyers wear ties to court. Maybe the ties are made of hemp, but they’re still ties.
FLAPJACKS: You know I’m only saying this because I know you absolutely hate wearing ties.
ME: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: Yes you hate wearing ties or yes you know that’s why I’m saying it?
ME: Both.
FLAPJACKS: Haven’t you always hated wearing ties? I mean, I remember one time you described them as “portable nooses.”
ME: That mangle your soul like Jeffrey Dahmer with a gay prostitute, yes.
FLAPJACKS: And now you’re in a job where you always have to wear ties.
ME: Pretty much.
FLAPJACKS: Boy, did you make good career choices. Did nobody tell you “hey, before you go to law school, you should probably know that lawyers wear ties” or did everybody just assume you already knew that?
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: Why do you hate ties, anyway?
ME: They get in the way of everything. You eat, you have to be careful of your tie. You go to the bathroom, you have to be careful of your tie. You do ANYTHING other than sit at a desk, you have to be careful of your tie.
FLAPJACKS: I see.
ME: Plus there’s wind.
FLAPJACKS: Wait, what?
ME: You know how in the movies when wind blows past somebody with a tie, the tie blows dramatically off to one side and looks badass?
FLAPJACKS: Yeah?
ME: In real life it just flies straight up into your face and you look like a schmuck. I wouldn’t mind ties quite so much if they didn’t do that.
FLAPJACKS: Yes you would.
ME: Well, okay, yeah.
FLAPJACKS: So what you’re saying is that there is a market for ties that look awesome in the wind and blow the right way. The Will Smith Coming Out Of An Explosion Tie.
ME: Not really.
FLAPJACKS: I bet I could rig something up with a system of weights. Or maybe strings.
ME: I should just stop you right now before you proceed to the bank with a business plan where you have liberally sprinkled the word “awesome.”
FLAPJACKS: Why don’t banks like things that are awesome?
ME: They just don’t.
FLAPJACKS: Besides, I was going to ask you for the startup capital.
ME: I thought we covered that I don’t have it.
FLAPJACKS: Damn.

1.) ME: Oh my god, they actually got the “foreigners don’t have maps” beauty pageant girl to be on this show.
FLAPJACKS: They are sending her around the world! This is either the best joke ever or the cruelest prank ever. Possibly both.
ME: You know, given that they are “dating models,” it’s entirely possible that CBS cast them by accident.
FLAPJACKS: You mean they were just trying to fulfill the “dating hot couple who want to be actors” quota for this season, and then when they looked at their options they saw that they got the beauty queen who was on Youtube?
ME: Exactly.
FLAPJACKS: That seems unlikely.
ME: Ah, but consider: we both enjoy this show and it is entering its sixteenth season. Is that not unlikely?
FLAPJACKS: I just consider it further proof that the universe thinks I’m important.

2.) FLAPJACKS: Is there really such a thing as a world title in rodeo-ing?
ME: Why wouldn’t there be?
FLAPJACKS: Wouldn’t that be kind of like the World Series, in that with the exception of the Toronto Blue Jays, there aren’t any non-American teams? Who outside the United States does rodeo-ing?
ME: They have cowboys in Australia.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but the Australian cowboys are all busy competing at Learning The Secrets Of Wise Aboriginal Elders and Sleeping With The Repressed Rich English Ladies and Having The Biggest Knife. It’s entirely a different set of skills. I bet they come to America for the world championships and then get surprised when they find out that they have to rope a steer really fast.
ME: You have got to stop watching that Baz Luhrmann film over and over again.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t gotta do nothing.

3.) ME: Okay, so this 71-year-old granny who has done fifteen triathlons is this season’s official “make you feel worse about yourself” entrant.
FLAPJACKS: That’s fifteen times as many triathlons as I have done!
ME: You’ve never done a triathlon.
FLAPJACKS: I watched the one you did. I figure that counts.
ME: That was only a starter triathlon.
FLAPJACKS: It counts.
ME: Wait, shouldn’t I be the one arguing that it counts and you discounting my near-death experience in running it?
FLAPJACKS: It’s a funny old world.

4.) ME: “Joe is very confrontational. He says things that might piss people off.”
FLAPJACKS: “Joe is this season’s Official Asshole.”
ME: “HATE HIM! HAAAAATE HIM! Write letters expressing your hate! Our inevitable divorce will come that much quicker if you do it! It’s like ripping off a spiritual Band-Aid!”

5.) ME: And Phil says this will be the most difficult Race ever!
FLAPJACKS: Oh no! They have to take public transportation to the airport! That’s worse than the annual India leg of the Race!
ME: I wonder if anybody will break down crying because they can’t figure out how to use transfers.
FLAPJACKS: And they’re all so shocked. “Who takes the bus in L.A.?”
ME: And the team of black ladies answers that for us by saying out loud “look, a black person” and asking them.

6.) FLAPJACKS: I note that the cowboys have incorrectly changed their money to Brazilian funds when they are in fact going to Chile.
ME: Maybe they just missed every other team talking about how excited they were to go to Chile. Or, in Team Big Brother’s case, China.
FLAPJACKS: Well, in the cowboys’ defense, those are all not Wyoming or whatever the fuck they are from.
ME: “Aw shucks our town is so small we don’t got no atlases like you city folk do.”
FLAPJACKS: “Our town library is so small it only has two books and Walter won’t let you take ’em out on account of what happened in 1957. We don’t talk about that much.”
ME: “Got a McDonald’s, though! So we’re definitely comin’ along in the world. Nobody can say the future is leavin’ Buttlick, Whereverthefuck behind, no sirree bob.”
FLAPJACKS: Oh, I love how they decide to sheepishly admit it. “Yeah, see, the closest thing the airport in LA had to Chilean money was Brazilian money.”
ME: I believe that’s the Weasel school of admitting error. “See, it wasn’t our fault we fucked up. It was the airport’s fault.”

7.) FLAPJACKS: “Heidi does have some fear of heights, so I took on that challenge. Because she is a chicken. And I am a condescending asshole.”
ME: Maybe we should wait a little longer to start hating him?
FLAPJACKS: No. If there is one thing about this show that is predictable, it is that the Designated Asshole always makes himself obvious early on.

8.) FLAPJACKS: Wait, the city of Valparaiso pays for houses to be painted so they can be pretty? Why can’t we get that here?
ME: You live in a large North American city. Half of the painting budget would go to unions and the other half would go to a PR fund to mollify people who pointlessly scream about unions.
FLAPJACKS: Which leaves no money for the paint.
ME: No, you take care of that with a special bond issue.
FLAPJACKS: So then the houses get painted?
ME: They would, except that in the next municipal election the anti-paint candidate gets elected, and he says “we should spend that money on police officers” and the money pays for one additional police officer over the next five years. He is shot and killed in the line of duty in his third year.
FLAPJACKS: That’s sad.
ME: And drab.

9.) FLAPJACKS: Wait, the prize trip for the first round is Vancouver? Wow. That’s underwhelming.
ME: Well, they do get to go whale-watching and bobsledding and – no, never mind. You’re right. That’s a sucky prize.
FLAPJACKS: How much lamer can the trip prizes get than that?
ME: “You’ve won a trip for two to beautiful Columbus, Ohio!”
FLAPJACKS: “You’ve won a trip for two to Detroit, Michigan!”
ME: That would at least be exciting. Albeit probably not in the good way.

10.) FLAPJACKS: I knew it! I knew this day would come! People doing a challenge on the Amazing Race are just interfering with people’s everyday lives and because they don’t speak the local language nobody can make them understand that they need to fuck off.
ME: Yes, this is pretty much the best day ever. And it wasn’t the Big Brother team or the Teen South Carolina team or anybody you’d expect to screw up. It was just the father/daughter team, who are like the vanilla ice cream of Amazing Racers.
FLAPJACKS: And they just keep going and going, painting the inside of this totally unrelated house. At some point, you’d think the people staring at you incredulously would start to kick in. But no.

11.) ME: And it turns out that arguably the least fit team on the Race gets eliminated. Which is not a shock.
FLAPJACKS: In fairness, non-athletic teams have gone quite a long way before on the Race.
ME: Not many of them, though. Being in at least reasonable shape seems like it might be an advantage in something which is technically supposed to be a “race.”
FLAPJACKS: When they let Canadians compete I will totally make you exercise.
ME: Ahem. I have run a starter triathlon and I swim every day. You play Halo.
FLAPJACKS: That means that I have elite teabagging skills that will make me very successful in the Race.

FLAPJACKS: Is it cold outside?
ME: Well, yes. It is January.
FLAPJACKS: You should dress warmer.
ME: “More warmly.”
FLAPJACKS: That too.
ME: It’s not that cold. It’s just, you know, winter.
FLAPJACKS: Then why is your skin blue? Look at it. You look like you have frostbite or something.
ME: If I had frostbite my skin would be either white or black.
FLAPJACKS: That’s racist. Asians can get frostbitten too!
ME: You know that’s not what I meant.
FLAPJACKS: Who can truly know the mind of a racist?
ME: Shut up.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway, why is your skin blue if it’s not frostbitten?
ME: You know, for someone concerned about racists, you seem awfully interested in my skin colour.
FLAPJACKS: Human beings aren’t normally blue so it doesn’t count.
ME: I got new sheets.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t follow.
ME: I got new sheets, so I washed them to get out the extra dye and soften them up before I put them on the bed. The sheets are blue. One wash was apparently not enough to get out all the extra dye.
FLAPJACKS: Why didn’t you take a shower or have a bath or something?
ME: I did.
FLAPJACKS: And you’re still bluey after that?
ME: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: Well, this is just delicious.
ME: Stop that.

(SCENE: My parents’ basement. My brother JEFF and I are watching rugby.)

ME: The Aussies are getting their asses kicked here.
JEFF: Serves them right for getting distracted by soccer and cricket.
ME: Didn’t they lose the Ashes this year?
JEFF: Serves them right for getting distracted by soccer.
ME: What are you going to say if they don’t win the World Cup?
JEFF: Serves them right for getting distracted by rugby.
ME: Well, you’re consistent.
(Enter DAD.)
DAD: Are you watching the rugby?
JEFF: It’s either that or some really weird football.
ME: We’re watching the rugby.
JEFF: You might want to leave so it doesn’t get ruined for you.
DAD: I already saw it.
ME: Then why are you recording it?
DAD: I’m recording it?
JEFF: That’s what the little blinking light on the PVR says.
DAD: Well, I got up early and watched it live.
ME: So you already watched the English bashing in the Australians?
DAD: (mysteriously) Wait a while.
JEFF: Well, there’s no point in watching this now. Switch it to football.
DAD: What do you mean?
JEFF: You just said “wait a while” in this supposed-to-be-mysterious voice. Thanks for telling us as obviously as possible that Australia wins.
DAD: I didn’t say they won. I said to keep watching.
JEFF: Chris, back me up on this. What do you think the odds are that Australia wins, given Dad’s mystery-voice?
ME: I would say they’re very good, Jeff.
JEFF: Of course you would. That’s because we’re not stupid.
DAD: Well, you never know. Oh, look at Ashley-Cooper. The English just can’t stop him.
JEFF: You are possibly the least convincing liar ever.
ME: It’s impressive to consider the English losing after they’ve spent the first half basically mauling Australia. I mean, look at the English players. They don’t look like professional athletes. They look like really angry plumbers.
JEFF: I think all rugby players look like really angry plumbers. This is the only sport where professional athletes can have beer guts.
ME: Maybe the English lose because somebody tells them that the magic feathers they were given aren’t in fact magic, and it was them all along, and they lose faith in themselves.
JEFF: “Yes, Tom, we’re getting word that the English players have discovered that these are in fact just plain old pigeon feathers, and not feathers from the magical flying dress of Queen Elizabeth. Look at that fullback there, crying as he clutches his useless, non-magical feather.”
ME: “As I recall, Sid, something like this happened at Wallybelly in 1967, when the All Blacks beat Wales eleventy billion to three. Do you remember if that was something like this?”
JEFF: “Well, Tom, that was a bit different. That was a case where the players thought their jerseys had been personally blessed by Jesus Christ, but it turned out to just be a sarcastic hippie.”
DAD: (having ignored all of this as he watches the rugby) You know, the Springboks beat England a little while back and set a record, they beat them so bad? That’s the magic of the fall international tour, you know. The southern hemisphere comes up north and kicks the asses of everyone up here, and people pay to see it happen.
ME: You’re going to New Zealand in 2011, right?
DAD: Planning to.
ME: Yeah, but if Canada qualifies, who do you cheer for?
DAD: I’d cheer for both South Africa and Canada, obviously.
ME: But what if they’re in the same pool?
JEFF: You really don’t have to ask that.
(shared look that says “South Africa, duh”)

ME: What now?
FLAPJACKS: Did you see this? Some crazy guy put together a replica of a vintage first class airplane cabin in his garage.
ME: Because he’s crazy?
FLAPJACKS: You just spent actual money on old board games from the 1960s like, last week.
ME: You can play those.
FLAPJACKS: And he can play with his fake plane. I bet he roleplays out scenes from Mad Men. Like, he pretends he’s the steward who gets Don Draper an Old Fashioned while Don Draper picks up the woman in the seat next to him, and then he waves goodbye as they leave the plane to go have sex in a hotel.
ME: He doesn’t want to be Don Draper?
FLAPJACKS: I think you overestimate the ambition of this guy. He didn’t recreate a mini Playboy Mansion. He recreated an airplane cabin.
ME: What would you have recreated?
FLAPJACKS: You know that bit in the James Bond movie where the villain tries to shoot a laser at James Bond’s crotch? That.
ME: Would you play pretend that you are James Bond or Goldfinger?
FLAPJACKS: It wasn’t Goldfinger. It was Jaws.
ME: It wasn’t Jaws. Jaws fought Roger Moore. Sean Connery was the Bond who nearly got crotch-lasered.
FLAPJACKS: Look, I know it was Jaws. I distinctly remembering him speaking in his English accent that he expected Mr. Bond to die.
ME: Jaws wasn’t English! He was a guy with a mouth full of metal! He wouldn’t have spoken in crisp English tones. He would have mumbled something vaguely metallic.
FLAPJACKS: I bet if you check Wikipedia, you will see that I have already loaded up the page on your computer and it will say that it was Jaws.
(pause)
ME: This is a Post-It, with “Jaws” written on it in your handwriting, stuck on my computer monitor and covering up the picture of Goldfinger menacing James Bond.
FLAPJACKS: I couldn’t figure out how to edit Wikipedia properly.
ME: So will you concede that Jaws did not menace James Bond with the laser?
FLAPJACKS: No.
ME: I actually own Goldfinger on DVD.
FLAPJACKS: You could have counterfeited that.
ME: With the young Sean Connery ten years before I was born.
FLAPJACKS: Or a very good imitator!
ME: …anyway, so that’s what you want to be? The guy torturing James Bond, be it Jaws – who it wasn’t – or someone else?
FLAPJACKS: Heck no.
ME: So you want to be James Bond. That’s pretty common.
FLAPJACKS: That’s far too common for the likes of me.
ME: …who have you inserted into this scenario who was not there previously? And before you start, don’t say “myself as a secret agent.”
FLAPJACKS: Of course not. That would be lame.
ME: So who is it?
FLAPJACKS: Funny you should say that.
ME: What do you – oh god, you want to set up this scenario so you can play Doctor Who rescuing James Bond.
FLAPJACKS: Yes! And then they go off on adventures together.
ME: That’s awful.
FLAPJACKS: I take it that you don’t want to play James Bond in this.
ME: Excuse me. If I was going to take part in this horrible exercise – which of course I never would – you had better damn believe that I would be Doctor Who. He has a time-traveling police box. All James Bond has is a watch with spy doohickeys, all of which can be disabled by Doctor Who’s sonic screwdriver.
FLAPJACKS: But I found this tuxedo in your size and everything.
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: What if I told you that this offer also comes with a 1961 Aston Martin?
ME: Does it?
FLAPJACKS: Not really?
ME: Still a no, then.

ONE

ME: And we have teams!
FLAPJACKS: Harlem Globetrotters!
ME: Christian country singers!
FLAPJACKS: Christian gay brothers!
ME: Christians dating since they were little kids!
FLAPJACKS: Did they say they were Christians?
ME: They met during a game of tetherball. Jesus played tetherball.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t think that’s quite right.
ME: I was raised Catholic. Don’t question me on these matters.
FLAPJACKS: There’s a team where one guy has Asperger’s!
ME: Lovable movie Asperger’s or real-life Asperger’s?
FLAPJACKS: Maybe he is like Bones on Bones.
ME: Bodybuilders!
FLAPJACKS: Who are also lawyers. Trial lawyers. Man, you need to bulk up if that is the standard for trial lawyers now. He could rip you in half.

TWO

ME: Whoa! One team doesn’t even get to do the Race if they can’t find a license plate?
FLAPJACKS: That is a DICK MOVE.
ME: That is a total dick move. But in keeping with the spirit of the Race,
FLAPJACKS: Explain.
ME: The Race has no pity for a bad taxi, no sympathy for a missed flight. The Race only cares about speed and ability. You cannot talk yourself out of elimination. The Race is Darwinism as applied to reality television.
FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t explain all the Christians.
ME: Whoa, we’re down to the hulked-out lawyers and the hippie yoga teachers!
FLAPJACKS: Sadly, the result seems rather predictable.

THREE

ME: And we’re off to Japan.
FLAPJACKS: I love that the Harlem Globetrotters aren’t “Dan and Steve,” but rather “Flight Time and Big Easy.” If I ever go on the Amazing Race I will totally demand that my chryon say “Flapjacks.”
ME: Who would your partner be?
FLAPJACKS: What, you wouldn’t be willing?
ME: I think I’d rather race with a woman.
FLAPJACKS: I could wear a dress.
ME: A woman much hotter than me, who is also female.
FLAPJACKS: That seems unrealistic.
ME: Yeah, well, so is me getting my American citizenship.
FLAPJACKS: Touche.

FOUR

FLAPJACKS: Team Gay Brothers has a secret plan. They will let female teams flirt with them and think that it is helpful, but in reality it will not be. This is the stupidest plan ever.
ME: Every plan involving inter-team manipulation on the Amazing Race is the stupidest plan ever. It has never worked ever in the history of time, but twenty thousand years from now when teams are lining up for jet-pack trips, they will still all be “Kylie-9 and I will use our pheromone generator matrix to make Bobby-7 and Bobby-8 think we are hot for them so they will help us.”
FLAPJACKS: Shame that Bobby-7 and Bobby-8 are eliminated in the third leg when PH1L, the omnicomputer host, destroys their spacecraft with a gamma laser.

FIVE

ME: Stereotypical Japanese game show.
FLAPJACKS: Because as Westerners we know that the Japanese do nothing but go to offices and watch fucking weird game shows. That is their entire culture.
ME: You forgot about “writing rape manga.”
FLAPJACKS: They do that while they’re at the offices. They have to do something.
ME: Aaaaand the Race has determined that the other thing Japanese people do is eat sushi and wasabi.
FLAPJACKS: HEY EVERYBODY IT’S CULTURAL!

SIX

ME: I wonder how long it will take me to get tired of hearing “Sweet Georgia Brown” this season.
FLAPJACKS: I would imagine long, long after I get tired of hearing Asperger Guy’s squeaky voice. He is nothing like Bones!
ME: Or Hulk Lawyer go YEAAAAAH!
FLAPJACKS: Or GO GO GO GO!
ME: So we’ve pretty much decided that we hate Hulk Lawyer already, right?
FLAPJACKS: Oh yes. Based on less than five minutes of television exposure, I am already positive that he is the Devil.
ME: He’s too lame to be the devil. Maybe he is the Spawn of Hasslehoff.

SEVEN

ME: So Team Gay Brothers is lying to Team Poker Players about not being gay, and Team Poker Players have convinced Team Gay Brothers that they are actually passionate charity workers.
FLAPJACKS: I wish they would realize that their elaborate plan involves helping one another under false pretenses, which is exactly the same as helping each other and being open and honest.
ME: It’s not their fault that they didn’t get to be on Survivor.

EIGHT

FLAPJACKS: And now, having finished with Japan because they have done everything possible while in Japan, they go to Vietnam. Presumably they will get involved in the child sex trade,
ME: That’s Thailand.
FLAPJACKS: I’m positive that Vietnam has its own child hookers. They just don’t advertise it like Thailand does. If Thailand is the Wal-Mart of child hookers, then Vietnam is, like, the Costco or something.
ME: I’m absolutely sure that that was a horrible thing to say.
FLAPJACKS: I’m just wondering what country is the Target of child hookers.

NINE

ME: The Harlem Globetrotters are pissed that the poker players lied about being poker players.
FLAPJACKS: Well, DUH. They’re poker players. They play a game that is all about lying and memorizing a series of odds, and the memorizing thing isn’t going to help much unless there’s a really specific challenge. Are the poker players going to get angry when the Harlem Globetrotters are successful because they’re very tall?
ME: You would.
FLAPJACKS: Well, fuck them for being tall.
ME: You’re six three!
FLAPJACKS: But they’re taller and so I hate them forever.
ME: I’m five eleven and I don’t hate them for being tall.
FLAPJACKS: No, you hate them for being trim and fit.

TEN

ME: You know, if I had a hot girlfriend and I was considering marrying her, the first word I would use when describing her good qualities would not be “loyal.” That’s something you use to describe your dog, not a potential wife-to-be.
FLAPJACKS: It would be “patient.” Or maybe “understanding.”
ME: Had to go there, didn’t you?
FLAPJACKS: Oh! Oh! “Blind!”