So apparently this mashup of the Hey Girl meme with Paul Ryan is the new hot thing, and I am nothing if not a slave to trends, so I am participating!

…is this.

Not the article. The pictures. It really does seem, based on not just this but all the publicity pictures I’ve seen, that everyone in the Nu52 has only one expression, and it’s “perpetual grimace”. Seriously, you could make an animated gif of nothing but DC characters making inadvertently hilarious facial expression, and it would probably take about five minutes to loop around. Nobody ever smiles in the new DC universe. Nobody laughs, or jokes. Everyone is Serious and Angry, all the time.

Or in the case of the Superman pictured there, has accidentally stepped on a pile of Legos in the dark. Or possibly whanged his shin on the corner of a desk. Either one.

EDIT: And Wonder Woman has clearly just gotten the end of ‘Serenity’ spoiled for her. “I just discovered the series, you bastards! I’m only up through ‘Out of Gas’! And you just drop ‘Oh, man, it killed me when Wash died’ in the middle of conversation like that?!”

Batman? It’s January in Gotham. Swirling winds around the bus stop. And the bus is officially now twenty-seven fucking minutes late.

Twenty-eight now.

I will admit, though, that Jay and Alan’s expressions make sense. Presumably, the missing word balloons are, “FALLING! FALLING INTO RATS!!!!” and “OH MY GOD MY HAND IS ON FIRE!!!!!”

Now that Mitt Romney is the Republicanc candidate for president in all but name, the nation turns to consider his nominee for Vice-President. Who should fill the role? There are, of course, many possibilities.

Senator Marco Rubio

PROS:
– Shores up the conservative base
– Extremely telegenic
– Guarantees that at least a half-dozen Hispanic people will vote for Mitt Romney

CONS:
– Problematic backstory
– Far-right positions potentially alienating to centrists
– Does not appear to, like, know a lot of things

Representative Paul Ryan

PROS:
– Young and energetic
– Beloved by media types who enjoy that he makes right-wing economic theory seem reasonable and practical in a Mr. Rogers Repossesses Your House sort of way
– Really good at holding up charts, graphs, or anything made of paper

CONS:
– Kind of emphasizes how rich Mitt Romney really is
– Gets pissy whenever anybody points out that his budget plan will make poor people eat dog food even though dog food these days is healthy and good for you
– Two words: death stare

Rick Santorum

PROS:
– Is white and male, which helps with white male people and also people who like sweater-vests
– Would really piss off Dan Savage, and the base likes that
– Would give Andy Samberg many more opportunities to work on his lousy Santorum impression

CONS:
– Unpopular in his home state of Pennsylvania
– Religious extremism is kind of creepy
– Is a giant fucking asshole

Kcarab Amabo, The Mirror Universe Barack Obama

PROS:
– Combines Barack Obama’s charisma with the soul-destroying ruthless drive for power necessary to thrive in the modern GOP
– Proven track record of leadership in the Mirror Universe, which still totally exists and has not collapsed into a singularity due to Presidential science experiments that went against God Himself
– Has memorized all of the Evil Overlord List and in fact has added entries of his own, mostly about singularities

CONS:
– Birth certificate may lead some to believe he is actually Yrrab Oreteos, a citizen of Aisenodni, rather than a full-blooded Nacirema
– All the backwards spelling will eventually get on people’s nerves
– You don’t want to put someone more talented than you in the #2 spot, Mitt Romney, even if he is evil and ambitious
– Horrifying fascination with gravitational anomalies

A Sexy Pirate

PROS:
– Sexy
– So sexy
– Women voters will love the sexy

CONS:
– Pirates so 2005
– Constantly calling the US Armed Forces “the ARRRRRRmy” will get old real fast
– Will suggest to corporate America a lack of concern over intellectual property rights

Jason Sudeikis

PROS:
– Would stop Jason Sudeikis from impersonating Mitt Romney
– Much more charming than Mitt Romney
– Captures vital “people who still think Saturday Night Live is cool” demographic

CONS:
– Hollywood elite
– Sudeikis’ Romney impersonation more likeable than Mitt Romney and its loss may hurt the campaign
– Will hurt Romney with those sectors of the Republican base who hate laughter when it is not directed at minorities

Pope Benedict XVI

PROS:
– Puts the whole “Mormon issue” to rest and provides the campaign a clear answer re: separation of church and state
– Catholics will be told to vote Romney/Benedict or be cast into the pits of Hell
– Mitt likes eating fish on Friday already anyhow

CONS:
– Really old – like, “stinky” old
– Likely to cause a religious war of some kind
– Jedi will rise up to support Barack Obama in the general election and the Stormtroopers are not yet ready

A Giant Novelty Can of Tab

PROS:
– Increases Romney’s appeal to 40something women
– Who could have a problem with Tab?
– No calories!

CONS:
– Kind of out of date
– Nobody really likes Tab
– Pink can problematic in the Deep South

T-Pain

PROS:
– Kind of awesome even though he is killing music as we know it
– Impeccable dresser, will lend sense of style to the campaign
– Wobbly techno-voice could subliminally reassure people who think Romney is already inclined to be shaky on the issues by making wobbliness cool

CONS:
– Well, he’s black, for a start
– Association with “hippity-hop” music problematic with GOP base, who only like that sort of music when it is performed ironically by white suburban guys talking about the Founding Fathers
– Mitt Romney will not be able to tell the difference between him and Will.I.Am

One Of The Ponies From My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

PROS:
– Guarantees “brony” vote
– Appeal to younger voters hits Obama in key demographic
– Was cool about a year ago, which for a Republican campaign is amazingly up-to-date

CONS:
– “Brony” vote outnumbered by “we hate bronies” vote
– Republicans traditionally terrified of bright colours
– Seriously, which one is that? We can never remember

An Oil Tanker

PROS:
– Is very, very big and will impress voters
– Gets all the subtext out of the way
– Like, all of it

CONS:
– Leaky
– May explode
– Sort of a “high risk, high reward” candidate

Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford

PROS:
– Is white and male and fat and very conservative – he’s like a less-moderate Chris Christie!
– Anti-elitist in all the ways that Republicans like
– Complete disregard for “facts” will work well in debates when his claims of things that are obviously and wildly untrue will confound Joe Biden

CONS:
– None at all
– Seriously
– Please, take him

A Woman

PROS:
– Shows that the campaign is open to modern thinking
– May help the campaign win back female voters alienated by the GOP’s track record on, well, everything
– Probably will smell better than Mitt Romney

CONS:
– Could potentially wear immodest clothing
– Republicans already tried this once and it didn’t so much work that time
– Might get all the other women jealous, because you know how women are, am I right, fellows?

A Clone of Mitt Romney Grown In A Vat

PROS:
– Allows Mitt Romney to take wildly differing positions on any issue simultaneously

CONS:
– Means that there are two of Mitt Romney

(previously)

ME: What are you doing on my internet?
FLAPJACKS: I’m reading Nelson’s Wikipedia entry.
ME: …why?
FLAPJACKS: Because.
ME: I don’t think I can actually get a more honest explanation than that.
FLAPJACKS: Did you know they released an album called Because They Can? Nelson have some big balls.
ME: I did not know that.
FLAPJACKS: I’m also pretty sure that they wrote their Wikipedia entry. “In addition to touring as NELSON, the twin singer-songwriters also perform a separate tribute act for their father, called “Ricky Nelson Remembered.” Plus, they perform with celebrity all-star rock and roll rat pack SCRAP METAL.”
ME: Wow, I could hear the all-caps.
FLAPJACKS: Only because I say the all-caps parts in a bass voice.
ME: Well, yes. Say, do we know who Scrap Metal – excuse me, SCRAP METAL – are?
FLAPJACKS: I Googled and it turns out it is Nelson plus other people from formerly famous rock bands. Like, the “about” section says that it was founded by Nelson and the former lead singers of Mr. Big, Slaughter and Night Ranger.
ME: Night Ranger? Are they a real band? I thought they were the band in Left 4 Dead 2 that had the concert where you fight zombies.
FLAPJACKS: I think that’s someone else. But anyway, apparently Scrap Metal are mostly just Nelson, and whoever Nelson can get to tour with them that week. Like, here’s a press release where Scrap Metal played before “2,000 of our country’s future military leaders” in Annapolis –
ME: So basically they’re the guys you get for your high school prom or something.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t judge. But for this event, they had Nelson, plus the former lead singer of Vixen, and some guy who is described as being “of Ted Nugent.” I guess Ted Nugent is a band now, otherwise they would have said “this guy who used to play with Ted Nugent.”
ME: I believe technically Ted Nugent is an institution now, thanks to an official recognition from Congress in 2003.
FLAPJACKS: Oh, here’s something where they welcome the former lead singer of Motley Crue –
ME: Vince Neil? How did Nelson get Vince Neil to do anything with them? Vince Neil is still sort of famous.
FLAPJACKS: They got John Corabi.
ME: Oh, come on. Calling John Corabi “the lead singer of Motley Crue” is only technically correct. He was there for like four years where Motley Crue barely did anything and then they fired him and brought back Vince Neil. That would be like bringing in Guy from Extreme and then calling him “the lead singer of Van Halen” when you don’t even have Sammy Hagar.
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you want to call out John Corabi like that? I mean, the guy probably doesn’t get mentioned on the internet that often. I bet with a couple weeks this will become the #1 Google result for “John Corabi.”
ME: I’m fine with it, because unlike Steven Seagal, John Corabi does not have his own brand of knife.
FLAPJACKS: You promised never to mention Steven Seagal again! Oh god, now I’m saying it! Stop it! Stop it!
ME: Maybe we could talk about more long-dead hair rock bands. It’s like internet camouflage.

FLAPJACKS: So did you see the new Liam Neeson movie?
ME: Oh, you mean Liam Neeson Versus Wolves? Yeah. It was okay, I guess.
FLAPJACKS: Only “okay,” though? I was hoping that it would be a classic. Is it better than Liam Neeson Versus Kidnappers?
ME: Oh, it’s much better than that. Which, needless to say, makes it also much, much better than Liam Neeson Versus Amnesia.
FLAPJACKS: But I’m guessing it’s not better than Liam Neeson Versus Batman.
ME: Oh, heavens no.
FLAPJACKS: And not better than Liam Neeson Versus Outdated Ideas About Sexuality.
ME: Well, I don’t know that that’s a fair comparison. One is a serious dramatic study of an important modern figure in science, and the other is about punching wolves to death. Seems very apples-and-oranges.
FLAPJACKS: But they’re both movies, right? So we should be able to compare them on that basis. I mean, all the time critics are willing to compare trash cinema to high drama in an unflattering manner because they’re both movies. Because they’re critics. So can’t we do the same thing?
ME: I just don’t think the basis for comparison is strong. You might as well try to compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Holocaust.
FLAPJACKS: I see your point. Can we compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Grief Caused By A Loved One’s Death (And Also Hugh Grant Is In It)?
ME: He’s not even the main character in that one, so I would say no. Let’s try to stick to movies where Liam Neeson is central to the movie. So Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English is in –
FLAPJACKS: Aren’t there actually two of those?
ME: I think the second one is characterized more accurately as Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English and His Fellow Shortsighted Irish. But my point is both of those work, whereas Liam Neeson Versus Hades isn’t quite right because for some reason Hollywood thought that Sam Worthington is cooler than Liam Neeson.
FLAPJACKS: That is just crazy talk. But wait, how about Liam Neeson Versus George Lucas’ Dialogue? He’s not exactly the main character in that. I mean, it’s Star Wars, part whatever.
ME: I think Qui-Gon Jinn is really the main character of that movie, despite dying before the end. So it works. Main character in a large ensemble still counts, so Liam Neeson Versus Post-Revolutionary France qualifies, but Liam Neeson Versus The Protestant Nativists doesn’t because his character dies in the first fifteen minutes.
FLAPJACKS: Which would also disqualify Liam Neeson Versus The Crusades, I suppose. How about Liam Neeson Versus Ghosts?
ME: Counts, but only barely.
FLAPJACKS: So, now that we have established the basis for comparison, how good is Liam Neeson Versus Wolves?
ME: Well, let me put it this way: he really punches the shit out of those wolves.
FLAPJACKS: Can’t ask for more than that.

Everyone’s talking about MGM, Paramount, and Universal this summer, but for some reason, nobody but me has the inside scoop on this summer’s films from indie horror/sci-fi titan The Asylum! Well, I know you all wanted that rectified, so here’s the inside scoop on their upcoming releases!

continue reading "2012 Mockbuster Preview!"

Recently, the whole “Nice Guy” topic came up again, well after the initial post had become a thing of legend. Many people jumped in on the new discussion, but it always seems like the same people respond in the same way. The phrase, “Yes, they’re being jerks, but they’ve got a point…” keeps getting bandied about in these conversations, with one user posting an old joke about the supposed underlying truth behind the complaints that Nice Guys have. As I am not yet an accomplished disembowler of bad ideas, I thought I might take a practice run at this one…anyone else want to join me behind the cut?

continue reading "For the Dim Bulbs Out There"

STEVEN SPIELBERG: Hello, everybody, and more specifically Academy voters. This is my new movie, War Horse. It is about a horse. Also there is war. I am pretty sure that these two things combined are good for at least half a dozen Oscars.
ALBERT: Boy, look at that baby horse! I bet that is a special horse.
HORSE: (whinnies, does horsey things)
ALBERT: One day, I will own that horse, for we have a special bond. He is the specialest horse ever.
HORSE: (neigh, neigh, stamps foot)
Eventually the horse comes to be sold at a HORSE AUCTION. The horse is very distressed to be separated from its mommy horse. This is is a metaphor for the BRUTALITY OF WAR, which takes away the young from their loving parents.
ALBERT’S FATHER: Oh, look at that landlord. He thinks he’s better than me because he’s rich and dresses well and isn’t a slobbering drunk and speaks without excessive unnecessary spitting. How I hate him!
LANDLORD: I want to buy that horse! Ten guineas!
ALBERT’S FATHER: ELEVENTY BILLION GUINEAS!
ONLOOKER: Wait, didn’t you come here to buy a plough horse? This horse – while clearly a very special horse, as any man can see – isn’t a plough horse.
ALBERT’S FATHER: Ah, but I have stuck it to that rich landlord that I hate because I pay him rent!
AUDIENCE: Is it possible to get that drunk?
STEVEN SPIELBERG: Excuse me, but I was one of the Hollywood young guns of the 1970s, and I was the one who basically stayed sober while everybody else got shitfaced on everything. You’ll note I still have a career, while Francis Ford Coppola makes a lot of wine and complains about the system. There are reasons for this. I’m just saying.
ALBERT’S MOTHER: Oh, you idiot, you bought a fancy horse – granted, a very special horse, that’s obvious – instead of a plough horse. How are we going to plough the fields now?
ALBERT: I’ll plough the fields with him, mother! For he is the most wonderful horse in the world! I’ll train him to be a super-horse, for we have a special bond, and now, as I knew one day that I would, we are horse and master.
ALBERT’S MOTHER: But you had absolutely nothing to do with buying this horse.
ALBERT: It still counts.
Albert TRAINS THE HORSE. He comes up with a unique whistle to summon the horse. Albert’s best friend GEORDIE watches, all the while wearing a T-shirt that says I AM HERE FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO EVENTUALLY DIE IN WAR. Eventually the Landlord shows up again with his young son, who we know is evil because he sneers a bit.
LANDLORD: So… you owe me money.
ALBERT’S FATHER: We’ll get you the money.
LANDLORD: Yes, eventually, I suppose, but you owe me the money right now, and it’s not because of some horrible disaster that you owe me money. It’s because you spent far too much money on a horse you didn’t need.
STEVEN SPIELBERG: Um, audience? He’s evil. You should boo him. Look at his son’s face! Evil!
AUDIENCE: Well, yes, but he’s got kind of a point, doesn’t he?
ALBERT’S FATHER: We’ll plow the rocky field with all the rocks. We’ll plant turnips there.
LANDLORD: Well, I can give you until October, I guess. But if you don’t pay up then I’ll have to evict you.
STEVEN SPIELBERG: You’re not booing, audience!
AUDIENCE: Yeah, well… we were of the understanding that there was going to be war. Are we going to get to the war soon?
STEVEN SPIELBERG: Patience. Also you should be booing him now.
AUDIENCE: He just gave them a six-month extension. Why would we boo him for that?
ALBERT: No worries! I’ll teach the horse to plow! For he is the specialest horse in the world!
Albert tries to teach the War Horse to plow. The War Horse is not good at this.
ALBERT’S FATHER: I am a self-destructive drunk and will shoot this horse!
ALBERT’S MOTHER: You can’t shoot the horse!
ALBERT: He is the specialest horse in the world and you will have to shoot me first!
Albert’s father BREAKS DOWN CRYING. Later Albert’s mother explains to Albert that his father was in the Boer War and that although he was a war hero, he also has post-traumatic stress syndrome, which makes him depressed and a drunk, and also causes him to spend money on horses he cannot afford. Albert decides to plow the field even though the War Horse is not properly trained.
ALBERT: Okay, horse! Let’s plow this field!
HORSE: (does not plow the field)
RURAL ENGLISH come to watch Albert plow the rocky field and laugh at him, because this is Olden Times and they did not have television then. Even though they are all aware that Albert’s family needs to plow this field in order to survive, none of them offer to help, since all English people are apparently DICKHEADS.
ALBERT: Horse! I am calling on our special bond here!
It begins to RAIN HEAVILY.
ALBERT: We can do it, horse! You and me! Mostly you, but I’m helping!
HORSE: (neighs in a determined manner)
ALBERT’S MOTHER: Look! They’re plowing the rocky field!
LANDLORD: And to think, all it took was rain to loosen up the dirt!
AUDIENCE: When do we get to the war part?
STEVEN SPIELBERG: It’s coming. We have to set stuff up first.
To celebrate, Albert goes RIDING on War Horse. He races the LANDLORD’S EVIL SON because the son is driving a car with a pretty girl, who of course is all about Albert and his horse because girls love horses. Then War Horse refuses to jump a stone wall and the evil son laughs at him.
ALBERT: I hope this pays off somehow later. Because ow.
MOTORCYCLE PERSON: Hello, rural England! We are now entering World War One! To commemorate this, the next time the bells ring will be the last time until the war ends!
Then it RAINS VERY HARD and the family’s turnip crop is ruined. They look grimly at one another, and Albert’s father takes War Horse to be sold to the army. War Horse is bought by the guy who played LOKI IN THE THOR MOVIE.
ALBERT: No! You can’t take my horse from me! We have a special bond!
LOKI: I can see you and this horse have a special bond. Look, I’ll just borrow this horse from you, all right? I’ll return him at the end of the war. After all, it’s clear that this is a truly wonderful horse. God, would I love to fuck it.
ALBERT: …wait, what?
LOKI: Just pretend I didn’t say that last bit while I make sex-eyes at your horse.
ALBERT: No! I volunteer for Army! I’m old enough! Well, no, I’m not, but even though I’m underage I can fight any ten German soldiers so long as I’m with my horse!
LOKI: I’m sorry, but the Army has standards and we don’t let in young men who admit they’re underage. Granted, you could have just kept on lying and claimed you were of age and I couldn’t have done anything about that, but then we would have had to deal with the inconvenient fact that you’re a commoner and therefore wouldn’t be able to ride your horse anyways. So it’s probably for the best that you have stupidly allowed me to separate you from your sexy, sexy horse, which I promise to return to you.
ALBERT: But what if you die?
LOKI: Excuse me, but I am a noble Englishman in a war film. Do you really think I’m going to die? Excuse me, audience, what are you doing?
AUDIENCE: We’re starting a pool on how many more minutes you live.
LOKI: Ah. Well. Carry on, then.
The War Horse goes to Army Horse Camp, where he trains alongside a big black horse owned by BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, who demonstrates that when he has short hair and a moustache, he looks staggeringly like DOCTOR STRANGE. During a practice charge, War Horse beats Benedict Cumberbatch’s horse quite easily.
SOME ENGLISH OFFICER: Well, it looks like we’re going to beat up those Germans awfully good, eh what? I do hope our exuberance in training doesn’t wind up being terribly ironic!
LOKI: I’m sure that there’s not going to be any irony in this war. After all, what’s ironic about warfare? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to write a letter to Albert, and enclose in that letter all of these erotic pictures I have drawn of his horse.
The English cavalry goes to war. They charge a German camp with their sabres drawn and hack up the Germans quite well, until they find out the Germans have MACHINE GUNS. The Germans kill Loki and most of the British cavalry, although they all die offscreen. Benedict Cumberbatch, his horse, War Horse, and the Ironic English Officer survive.
A GERMAN: Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch! Didn’t you realize that cavalry does not work against machine guns? You stupid English! You are being defeated by progress!
Benedict Cumberbatch THROWS DOWN HIS SABRE ANGRILY and surrenders. His horse and the War Horse are taken away by the Germans to drive an ambulance, because the War Horse knows how to accept a horse collar due to his plowing experience, and he talks to Benedict Cumberhorse in horse language and explains that Cumberhorse must also wear a horse collar.
A YOUNG GERMAN NAMED GUNTER: Boy, whoever taught you to wear a collar must have saved your life! Ironic, is it not, that knowledge of peaceful activities would save you in war? Oh my, but you are clearly a special horse who has been touched by destiny.
MEANWHILE, back in England, Albert receives Loki’s letter and his belongings, and finds out that he is dead. He is sad, because this means War Horse is probably dead as well. He mourns War Horse. Back in Germany, the war continues.
A GERMAN OFFICER: Well, all of you except Gunter are going up to the front lines, where you will probably die. Good for you, Gunter! Your knowledge of horses will save your life!
GUNTER: But my little brother is going up to the front lines!
GUNTER’S BROTHER: There’s nothing for it, Gunter.
GUNTER: But you’re fourteen! You lied to come to war!
GUNTER’S BROTHER: Sadly, there is nothing we can do.
GUNTER: We could just tell them you’re underage and they’ll have to send you home!
GUNTER’S BROTHER: That wouldn’t work, for reasons we will not state.
Gunter’s brother leaves with the marching German army. Gunter steals War Horse and Cumberhorse and rides up to the column, grabs his brother, and they ride off.
A GERMAN SOLDIER: Shouldn’t we do something about that?
ANOTHER GERMAN SOLDIER: If we did anything, then who would track them down later for a dark, emotional execution sequence?
GUNTER: Wait the what now?
Gunter and his brother flee to a windmill, where they hide the horses inside the windmill. They talk like young boys about the women in Italy, underscoring the fact that they are YOUNG BOYS and they will DIE IN WAR. Then the Germans find them and execute them in a manner so that the audience cannot see them being shot, but for some reason they leave the horses behind even though in order to find Gunter and his brother, they would have had to walk right past the horses. The next morning, a YOUNG GIRL finds the horses in the windmill.
EMILY: Look! Grandpa! Horses! And clearly this one in particular is very special! Not the big black one, the other one.
GRANDPA: Very well and good, but I do not want you riding those horses – not even the one who is clearly a very special and important horse – for you are sickly, as evidenced by this green medicinal liquid I make you take.
EMILY: What do I have?
GRANDPA: A bad case of moviegitis. It is invariably fatal, although you will only die once you are offscreen or, in some cases, when you present a final, touching monologue.
The GERMANS arrive to ransack the farm. Emily hides the horses in her bedroom on the second floor. The movie does not explain how she manages to do this.
GERMAN OFFICER: Take everything we need. This farmer is doing his part for the war.
GRANDPA: Excuse me, but I am clearly French and you are German. Your appeal to patriotism isn’t even ironic. It’s just stupid.
GERMAN OFFICER: You forget that I am a bit of a dickhead, yes?
GRANDPA: Ah.
GERMAN SOLDIER: What is this?
GRANDPA: If you don’t know what it is, you don’t need it.
GERMAN SOLDIER: Er, it’s pretty obviously a pot. I was more asking what you used it for, you see.
GRANDPA: Oh. That makes sense.
The Germans LEAVE. Emily starts begging to be allowed to ride the horses. Eventually Grandpa relents and goes and fetches her dead mother’s saddle from the barn.
GRANDPA: Now, be careful when you ride, Emily, for you are sickly. Ride very slowly, and do not go over the hill.
Emily of course rides quickly over the hill. Grandpa follows her, and sees that the GERMANS are taking War Horse from her. They also take Cumberhorse.
GRANDPA: In retrospect maybe we should have waited until the front line wasn’t literally in our backyard in order to ride the horses.
A FAT GERMAN is in charge of the horses.
FAT GERMAN: I do so love horses. It is a shame that they have to be involved in war, which is dehumanizing. Are you listening, audience?
AUDIENCE: Sort of.
War Horse and Cumberhorse are drafted to pull big heavy artillery pieces up hills. They do this. We then cut to the BRITISH TRENCHES, where Albert has since become a soldier, along with Geordie and the Landlord’s Evil Son.
SOLDIER: All right, we’re going over the top in a bit, so everybody who wants to put their valuables here for safekeeping, do so.
ALBERT: I could put in my prized drawings of War Horse… but no!
EVIL LANDLORD’S SON: I remember that horse! You fell off it that one time while I was driving a car!
ALBERT: Hey, do you remember the name of the girl you were driving with?
EVIL LANDLORD’S SON: Not particularly.
AUDIENCE: Wait, was this sequence the only reason for that earlier scene?
STEVEN SPIELBERG: Excuse me, but I have a Best Director Oscar and you don’t, so shut up in your stupid face.
GEORDIE: Oh, I am so scared of going to war!
EVIL LANDLORD’S SON: Don’t be scared! Just remember to kill any of your friends that try to retreat, and you’ll be fine.
The English CHARGE OVER THE TOP and most of them get killed because this is World War One, duh. The EVIL LANDLORD’S SON gets shot, but Albert drags him to safety. Albert then takes out a machine-gunner’s nest with a grenade and drops into the German trench, where he is overcome by all the dead Germans he just killed with his grenade. Geordie comes up behind him and Albert nearly shoots him, but stops himself just in time.
GEORDIE: Hah on you, audience! That was exactly the moment where I would have died ironically, but it didn’t happen, now, did it?
BRITISH SERGEANT: GAS! GAS!
GEORDIE: Oh, balls.
Geordie dies in the gas. Albert is wounded. Meanwhile, back in German lines, the Germans are retreating. Fat Horse-Loving German runs to War Horse and Cumberhorse and drags them away from duty. Cumberhorse, exhausted, lies down, dying. War Horse and the Fat German comfort him in his final moments. War Horse says things to Cumberhorse in horse talk. Then a TANK shows up.
FAT GERMAN: Run! Run, War Horse!
TANK: I REPRESENT TERRIBLE, UNSTOPPABLE PROGRESS!
War Horse RUNS AWAY FROM THE TANK, eventually charging through enemy lines and running right through multiple barbed wire fences until he is bogged down in No Man’s Land and horribly entangled in barbed wire.
BRITISH SOLDIER NAMED COLIN: Somebody should go do something about that horse.
GERMAN SOLDIER NAMED PETER: Somebody should go do something about that horse.
Eventually Colin and Peter both go to save War Horse. They work together to cut the horse free.
COLIN: I say, this is quite a nice scene, isn’t it?
PETER: Ja, it serves quite effectively to convey the horror of war without overplaying it with a heavy sense of irony.
COLIN: Something about how war disrupts the essential sense of brotherhood that exists among all men, that sort of thing?
PETER: This is precisely what I was thinking. You do not need clever twists to show how war ruins people’s lives.
COLIN: In fact, one might even suggest that a scene like this, where we work at common purpose and demonstrate simple humanity in the midst of carnage and terror, does the job ten times better than that.
PETER: Indeed. I don’t know why the rest of the movie isn’t like this.
STEVEN SPIELBERG: You both be quiet.
Eventually they free War Horse, and after a coinflip Colin takes War Horse back to British lines and a doctor, who is also DAVOS SEAWORTH in the next season of GAME OF THRONES.
COLIN: Hello, doctor. Can you fix this horse?
DAVOS: Let me think about that for a second. I can save a number of human patients, or a horse. Gosh, even if this horse is special, I think I have to go with the people.
COLIN: Look, I don’t think you understand – this is a miracle horse.
DAVOS: I can see from here that those cuts are infected. He almost certainly has tetanus. I can waste time on the horse, or I can save this person over here from bleeding to death. How is this a hard choice? Sergeant, give the horse a noble end.
COLIN: But he’s a miracle horse!
DAVOS: He ran into barbed wire and you rescued him, and now he’s going to die of infection. What’s miraculous about that? If somebody can’t give me a really, really amazing reason to save this horse, then we shoot him. Anybody? No? Okay, sergeant, shoot the horse.
The SERGEANT prepares to shoot War Horse, but in the distance Albert WHISTLES his special summoning-whistle from offscreen. War Horse looks up, seeking Albert.
DAVOS: …why haven’t you shot the horse yet?
SERGEANT: Cos he moved his head a bit.
DAVOS: Really?
The sergeant tries to shoot War Horse again, but Albert whistles again and War Horse again looks around for Albert.
DAVOS: Why does him moving his head stop you from shooting him in it once he stops moving?
SERGEANT: Dunno. Maybe it is a miracle horse?
ALBERT: That’s my horse!
WAR HORSE comes and nuzzles Albert, who is TEMPORARILY BLIND because of the gas attack.
DAVOS: Look, I’m glad you found a friend, but we have to kill this horse.
ALBERT: He’s my horse! I raised him, I did! He has four white socks and a white thingy on his forehead!
DAVOS: I don’t see any white marks on this mud-encrusted horse.
COLIN: What if… we washed off all of the mud?
They wash War Horse and his white markings are revealed.
DAVOS: My word. Well, I take back everything I said about putting this horse out of its misery as it is almost certainly infected with tetanus. Clearly, this is a miracle horse and must become my first priority. Sorry, human patients!
MAN BLEEDING TO DEATH: Arrrrgh arrrrgh arrrrrgh.
Albert recovers. The war ends. War Horse is to be sold at auction, and the entire brigade has chipped in thirty pounds so Albert can buy War Horse. It is mentioned in passing that the Evil Landlord’s Son tried to pretend that War Horse was his so Albert could get it for free, showing that the Evil Landlord’s Son is not a bad chap after all. An EVIL FRENCHMAN, however, is present and wants to buy War Horse.
SERGEANT: Albert bids thirty pounds!
ALBERT: Wait, why are you bidding instead of me?
EVIL FRENCHMAN: Forty pounds for this battle-scarred but very clearly special horse! Good day, English kiniggets!
GRANDPA: One hundred pounds! And if I have to go into bankruptcy to own this horse, then I will do so!
Grandpa wins War Horse.
ALBERT: Excuse me, sir, but please let me buy my horse from you?
GRANDPA: No. My granddaughter died offscreen from her illness, as I foretold. Now this horse is all that I have left of her, as the Germans came back and took all of her toys and dresses and such to be used as crude tools on the front lines.
ALBERT: Well, all right then. Can I say goodbye to War Horse?
GRANDPA: Sure.
ALBERT: War Horse, you be a good horse for this man, all right? You help him around the farm, and do chores, and cook his meals maybe. Because you’re the very specialest horse in the world and my best friend and I love you, but sometimes life isn’t fair, and we have to strive on, and –
GRANDPA: Oh, Jesus, just take the horse.
ALBERT: Thank you so much, sir. What was your granddaughter’s name?
GRANDPA: Emily. Why? Is this going to be significant to the narrative in any way?
ALBERT: Not at all, actually. I mean, they’re not going to show me meeting that girl from the horse-versus-car race early in the film now that I am a grown-up soldier. Maybe we could pretend that I name my first daughter Emily as a sign of respect, even though we never see that.
GRANDPA: Good enough for me.
Albert returns home during a GLORIOUS SUNSET that is so gorgeous it LOOKS LIKE A GREENSCREEN even though it isn’t. Albert embraces his mother, and then his father, who knows that Albert is now as fucked up as he is. We close on a shot of War Horse, glowing golden in the sunset light.
STEVEN SPIELBERG: Take that, Scorcese! “A 3D love letter to the founding father of cinema,” my ass – this is how you win Oscars. Cinematography. war, and horses.
AUDIENCE: TWO AND A HALF HOURS WE SPENT WATCHING THIS?

By popular request (presumably because of this). Originals via.

FLAPJACKS: Why are we here?
ME: Is that an existential question or a specific one?
FLAPJACKS: The second one. Why are we at the One of a Kind Show?
ME: Because I’m Christmas shopping.
FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t answer the question, though. That explains what you’re doing. It doesn’t explain why you’re in the land of magically high prices. We had to pay just to get in the door!
ME: No we didn’t.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, we didn’t, because you “know people.” But spiritually we paid to get in the door.
ME: That doesn’t make any sense.
FLAPJACKS: Neither does shopping where you have to pay fourteen bucks just to get in the door for the privilege of shopping, but hey, look at all these people.
ME: Look, there’s perfectly nice stuff here.
FLAPJACKS: I’m not saying it’s not nice. It’s very nice. Except for that guy selling the clay goblins.
ME: I missed that.
FLAPJACKS: He wanted thirty dollars each for the small ones. He wasn’t getting much traffic.
ME: So maybe he misjudged his potential market. Why is that so bad?
FLAPJACKS: Because he is this entire show in microcosm. Handmade stuff that nobody wants for too much money.
ME: Well, it’s handmade. The entire ethos of this show is –
FLAPJACKS: Look, I get it. It’s nice to have nice things that people made, sure, and not all of the stuff for sale here is clay goblins. But let’s be honest: we walked through this entire thing twice before you bought anything, and it was because you were visibly wincing at the prices.
ME: I was really hoping that wasn’t that obvious.
FLAPJACKS: It was.
ME: It’s not that it isn’t nice stuff.
FLAPJACKS: If I may give you an example? You looked appreciatively at a pepper mill that was made from a hollowed-out tree branch. And I agree, that was a clever bit of craftsmanship. But they wanted seventy dollars for that pepper mill, which, let’s be blunt, did not take more than a couple of hours to make if you don’t count the time for the lacquer on the outside to dry. Figure that the raw materials cost them ten bucks or so, including amortizing the cost of the drill, and that is sixty dollars’ worth of labour. That person is telling you that his labour to create tree-branch pepper mills is worth thirty dollars an hour. Extrapolate that out to a forty-hour workweek and that’s sixty thousand dollars a year in income. Is tree-branch pepper mill creation worth that?
ME: I think you’re picking an outside example that you perceive as particularly easy, simple and reproducible. I mean, there’s a guy here who makes watches. That’s not easy. Surely we’re willing to pay a premium for skill?
FLAPJACKS: Yeah, but you overlook the fact that his prices are actually reasonable. Like, he starts at $400 or so for a wristwatch and the craftsmanship is obvious. If you want a fancy watch, his watches are not unreasonable as compared to going to… okay, I don’t know who makes fancy watches in the corporate world. Fancy Watch Place or something. The watch guy’s wares are priced comparably to what one might buy elsewhere – as compared to the two other places that were selling watches, which were showier, uglier, and more expensive for what they were.
ME: This seems like a bad apples argument. The fashion sellers here aren’t overpricing as compared to designer originals. The artists selling painted goods aren’t selling their art for less than what you’d buy it elsewhere. Original anything is more expensive.
FLAPJACKS: But shouldn’t there be a ceiling on what more expensive should be? I mean, look at that circular scarf over there. It’s pretty nice, granted. But it’s twenty-eight bucks at American Apparel.
ME: But this one is handmade from wool. I think actually that might make a good Christmas present for somebody. Excuse me, how much are those scarves?
DEALER SPEAKING IN ROUGH FRENCH ACCENT: Fifty-five.
FLAPJACKS: I suppose that isn’t too bad.
ME: It’s only about double the price, and that’s fair for not having to pay to produce their I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-fetish-porn catalogue, right?
FLAPJACKS: I concur. Go forth and shop.
ME: All right. Excuse me, I would like to purchase this circular scarf, please.
OTHER DEALER SPEAKING MUCH BETTER ENGLISH: Well, that will be $135.
ME: Wait, what?
DEALER SPEAKING IN ROUGH FRENCH ACCENT: I am sorry, I think you mean regular scarf. Neverending scarf is one-thirty-five. I am sorry.
ME: Uh, yes. I have to just go hit a cash machine. I will be back… when I have enough money for this.
FLAPJACKS: We’re walking awfully fast here.
ME: Shutupshutupshutup.
FLAPJACKS: You realize they basically asked for an extra eighty bucks to sew the two ends of the scarf together?
ME: And that’s why I am not buying it. I will, in a very specific sense, never have enough money for that.
FLAPJACKS: Well, this is fascinating. We went from “I’m willing to pay that to avoid the fetish porn catalogue” to “okay, fine, I’ll pay to promote unhealthy depictions of women wearing T-shirts provocatively” in less than thirty seconds.
ME: I am not paying that much money for a scarf and I don’t care who knows it.
FLAPJACKS: Apparently you’re willing to sometimes pay double to buy ethically, but not five times as much. There’s probably an XKCD strip that could be made out of this incident.
ME: In all seriousness, I think you’re oversimplifying. At a certain point, doesn’t “handmade” lose attractiveness? I mean, this isn’t me endorsing slave labour, you understand. I avoid buying chocolate if I can’t be sure it isn’t the product of child labour, which discounts a lot of chocolate. But there’s nothing wrong with machine-produced goods so long as the machine operators get a fair wage and the goods are decent, and nowadays that is a fair amount of stuff.
FLAPJACKS: And I assume a fair wage is “whatever you think is reasonable” in this context?
ME: You’re being awfully judgemental today, you know that?
FLAPJACKS: I blame the clay goblin guy. When we passed his stall he was complaining that all the shoppers were buying the gourmet food things rather than clay goblins. What did you expect, clay goblin guy? The gourmet food items aren’t that much more expensive than regular food, and they give out free samples! Where is my free sample-size clay goblin?
ME: I’m pretty sure that business model doesn’t work, like, ever. Also I note your “whatever I think is reasonable” sarcasm is now coming back to bite you in the ass.
FLAPJACKS: Well, I think it’s time to re-evaluate the “artisan” business model. If you want to see things on the basis that you made them and this makes them intrinsically better than, I dunno, mass-produced clay goblins, then you have to come up with a way to sell more of them, and that means lowering your price at least a little.
ME: But isn’t this the “Henry Ford was wrong” scenario? That the only solution is for all of us to lower the cost of our labour until only a few can profit?
FLAPJACKS: I’ve already got that covered, Mr. Occupy Whatever. I plan to become a plutocrat.
ME: But you have no appreciable skills beyond a capability to borrow woks and not return them.
FLAPJACKS: Metaphorically, is that not more or less the entire premise of the financial industry at this point?
ME: …you make a reasonable point.

(Source.) (Unrelated.)

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.

BIGWIG: We have had an excellent run this year, gentlemen. One, I was certain we had drained the Adam Sandler well dry, but your bottomless pit of imagination showed us that there is still much more for Adam Sandler to do.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: He can be a man and a lady! I have plans for him to show up in a romantic comedy next as the girl!
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: That is a terrible idea.
BIGWIG: But potentially profitable, and therefore not entirely terrible. Two, you too have used Adam Sandler to best advantage with the success of Just Go With It.
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I liked it better with my original title, Let’s Both Lie So I Can Get Sex.
THIRD: Two fun facts: firstly, you bastardized a movie called Cactus Flower that actually won Oscars in order to make that movie, and second, you are a terrible person.
SECOND: Hey! I did not steal the plot from that cactus movie! I never even saw whatever it is you’re talking about!
BIGWIG: But it made a lot of money. And Three – I have to admit, even I wasn’t expecting a lot out of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and now we’re going to be able to sequelize it. And you even managed to do it without Adam Sandler.
FIRST: I think it would have made double the money if Adam Sandler had been the chimpanzee leader and thrown poop at James Franco. People love it when monkeys throw poop! Especially at James Franco.
BIGWIG: In any case, we must look ahead to 2012. Gentlemen, I want us to consider the public domain. I am tired of paying six dollars and ninety-five cents for the rights to a toy marketed in the 1980s that has kitsch collector value. That is six dollars and ninety-five cents that could be going in my pocket instead. What ideas do you have, crack junior executives?
SECOND: Where?
THIRD: He used “crack” as an adjective.
SECOND: I knew that! We all knew that! Nobody can prove anything!
FIRST: I vote we do The Three Bears, starring Kevin James as Papa Bear, Melissa McCarthy as Mama Bear, and that weird guy who is thirty-two but looks like he is fifteen and has a TV show as Baby Bear.
BIGWIG: Fairy tales? Do go on.
FIRST: Or we could do a movie where the hero is Aspirin and he’s fighting the evil Gingivitis.
THIRD: I don’t think that quite works.
FIRST: Maybe they’re heroic dragons in human form! Except for Gingivitis, who is an evil dragon sorcerer.
BIGWIG: This interests me.
THIRD: Think of the CGI budget.
BIGWIG: You have a point, Three. I am less interested now. Let’s talk about the bears one again.
SECOND: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look: fairy tales are bloody and dirty and about unpleasant human urges put into story form to make them slightly more palatable to children. The bears thing is destined to flop because it is about none of those things. There need to be tits and murder.
BIGWIG: That is an uncannily astute observation coming from you, Two.
THIRD: He said the same thing about the Teletubbies last week.
BIGWIG: Stopped clocks, Three. So, what fairy tale can we make both sexy and violent?
THIRD: Well, the obvious choice is “Snow White,” which has generational mother-daughter competitive jealousy, a huntsman who does some violent things, and a handsome prince. There’s probably a solid “adult” version to be made there – a little more fantastic than Ever After, the Cinderella retelling, and a little more grounded than Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.
FIRST: No, no, you’re going about it all wrong! The Queen should be grumpy and funny! And the charming prince should be all dorky so he is lovable! Like Adam Sandler! Except maybe better looking, because Adam Sandler is kinda ugly. And the dwarves should be all wacky! And they should have catchphrases and talk like rappers do!
THIRD: Well, I think –
SECOND: No, no, no. First off, the Queen should be played by a total bombshell, like Charlize Theron. And then we get Kristen Stewart to play Snow White because teenagers love Kristen Stewart, and we get the guy who was Thor to be, like, Thor. Except we can’t call him Thor.
THIRD: But the entire point of “Snow White” is that it’s about maternal jealousy of the daughter. Charlize Theron is beautiful. How are we supposed to believe that she envies Kristen Stewart? I mean, Kristen Stewart is good looking, but she’s not your classic supermodel type and Charlize Theron, well, is.
FIRST: This is exactly why we need to have the Queen be played by Julia Roberts with a fake nose so she is ugly.
THIRD: And we’re back going too far in the other direction again.
SECOND: Look, if we do it my way we can have awesome swordfights.
FIRST: Well, I say we can have awesome swordfights too! With puns and fencing and so on!
SECOND: No, this needs to be less Princess Bride and more Braveheart. Snow White can lead an army of soldiers against the evil Queen, who… I dunno, is a vampire or something? And then Thor can help kill her.
THIRD: Why do we need Thor in this movie again, which is supposed to be about a female protagonist?
SECOND: I’m sorry, I thought we were in the business of making hit movies, which are predominantly watched by teenaged boys.
BIGWIG: Well said, Two.
SECOND: Besides, we’ll need him for the eventual threeway sex scene with Snow White and the Queen.
BIGWIG: Less well said, Two, and this comes from someone only slightly concerned with traditional narrative.
SECOND: Does this mean my all-dwarf gangbang is out?
BIGWIG: Need I remind you that we do not make pornography at this studio?
SECOND: No.
BIGWIG: And why don’t we make pornography at this studio?
SECOND: “Because the internet has killed off pornography’s profitability for the foreseeable future.”
BIGWIG: Thank you.
FIRST: It doesn’t matter because my idea is much, much better. I think we need love potions. And a dance sequence. And pop culture references! And Nathan Lane turning into a cockroach!
THIRD: But none of that makes any sense –
FIRST: It doesn’t have to make sense because it’s magic!
BIGWIG: He has a point there. Therefore, we will make One’s Snow White movie. We will get Julia Roberts and Nathan Lane and one of those actors we’re currently trying to convince America is the next Tom Cruise. I don’t know which one and it doesn’t matter. Pick somebody off last year’s GQ covers and tell him to be charming.
THIRD: Armie Hammer?
BIGWIG: He’ll do. And we’ll use actual little people for the dwarves. We will use every famous dwarf and midget in Hollywood.
THIRD: Peter Dinklage?
BIGWIG: No, he would cost actual money. I meant the famous dwarves that nobody really cares about.
SECOND: I think this is a mistake. We’ve already done kiddie, family-friendly versions of fairy tales before. We’ve done them over and over again. We even did meta already. Remember Enchanted? That sucked.
THIRD: It was critically acclaimed and made over three hundred million dollars worldwide.
SECOND: But we didn’t see Amy Adams’ tits even once. I consider that a failure for all humanity.
BIGWIG: Two also has a point – about the film, not Amy Adams. Therefore, I have decided that we will also make Two’s Snow White movie. It will have battle scenes and be sort of Gothy in the way that teen films sometimes try to pretend that they are rebellious and experimental, but will ultimately have a safe core to it. And, to make the critics happy, we’ll cast good actors to be the seven dwarves. Probably British ones.
THIRD: I assume we’re not making three Snow White movies.
BIGWIG: Don’t be ridiculous.

(Previously. Two. Three.)

MGK: So it turns out that the people who are putting out Anonymous are also encouraging teachers to run lessons about how Shakespeare did not, in fact, write Shakespeare.
FLAPJACKS: I have no idea what that sentence is about.
MGK: Okay. So, you know Roland Emmerich?
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
MGK: He has directed a movie called Anonymous, which theorizes that the works of William Shakespeare were in fact written by the Earl of Oxford.
FLAPJACKS: …and?
MGK: What do you mean, “and”?
FLAPJACKS: And what blows up?
MGK: Nothing blows up.
FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t sound right. Are you sure the Globe Theatre doesn’t blow up?
MGK: I’m pretty sure, yes.
FLAPJACKS: Oh. So Shakespeare is an alien, then.
MGK: No.
FLAPJACKS: Look, you said this was a Roland Emmerich film, so either something blows up or there is aliens. There are rules about this.
MGK: Nothing blows up and there are no aliens.
FLAPJACKS: The Earl of Oxford is an alien, maybe.
MGK: There are no aliens.
FLAPJACKS: Queen Elizabeth?
MGK: No aliens.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe the Tower of London is a spaceship.
MGK: No aliens.
FLAPJACKS: Well, if there’s no aliens and no explosions, why did Emmerich even make this movie?
MGK: Well, he says “I like big ideas. That’s probably what combines Anonymous with my other films. You know, “What if Shakespeare was a fraud?” Or, “What would happen if finally, in one big storm, we get the bill for all the bad things we’ve done to the environment?” Or, “Godzilla comes to New York.” All big ideas, in a way, and you can say them in one sentence.”
FLAPJACKS: How is “Godzilla comes to New York” a big idea? Godzilla goes to cities and smashes them up. It’s basically the whole point of Godzilla. Godzilla movies are not about him having a nice dinner at a restaurant with Mothra and discussing their midlife crises.
MGK: I think, given the other examples in the sentence, you have to understand that a big idea for Roland Emmerich is not quite what we would call “a big idea” for other people.
FLAPJACKS: “Hey, guys, I just had this big idea! What if an asteroid hit the Earth? No, wait, I got a hundred of these! What if the Titanic sank? I can’t believe nobody’s thought of this yet!”
MGK: Yes. This is the sort of finely tuned mind that decides that a conspiracy about William Shakespeare is a big idea.
FLAPJACKS: Still, is it not worth considering whether Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare?
MGK: No.
FLAPJACKS: Well, maybe we should look at the pros and cons. For a start: his name is William Shakespeare. That seems like a “pro” to me right there.
MGK: That is indeed an excellent point.
FLAPJACKS: But perhaps we should consider the fact that he was, after all, only some lowly schlub and not an educated nobleman of class and leisure. I mean, how could a mere actor know of the existence of far-off countries like Italy and Denmark? It’s not like they had Wikipedia back then.
MGK: I believe they did, however, have books. Also, on occasion, they had foreigners.
FLAPJACKS: Mere trifles. Also, he wrote about aristocrats a lot, so therefore one could credibly argue that William Shakespeare’s plays were therefore written by a noble, because who knows more about nobles than other nobles?
MGK: The problem with this argument is that it therefore logically follows that Snooki from Jersey Shore wrote her own book, rather than having it ghostwritten.
FLAPJACKS: An excellent counter-argument, particularly given Snooki’s emergent status as “next Shakespeare.” Or, should we say, next Earl of Oxford.
MGK: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
FLAPJACKS: Me as well! But that’s not important: what’s important is the undeniable fact that Shakespeare was just a common-as-dirt plebe, and that five hundred years after his death, we can no longer find his original manuscripts proving that he was the writer, so therefore clearly it was a nobleman.
MGK: Yes, you have summed up the “Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare” argument quite neatly. By which, of course, I mean you have demonstrated that it’s really just a bunch of classist garbage spun forth by people who don’t want to admit, for whatever reason, that the greatest writer in the English language was basically just some nobody.
FLAPJACKS: Well, we do have to have standards. I mean, we can’t all be Snooki.
MGK: Throwing up in my mouth again.
FLAPJACKS: Yeah, me too.