Your guest hosts are Mary Murphy and Rex “FEEL THE GLAM” Harrington.

Tara-Jean and Vincent: salsa and contemporary. The salsa was probably the strongest single ballroom performance Tara-Jean’s done, which makes it… pretty good. Seriously, I’m glad Tara-Jean improved and all, but she was oversold hella strong during the first half of the season with mediocre dance after mediocre dance being praised to the moon for reasons that completely escape me. That having been said, the judges’ unending hardon for TJ was at least merited this week, because this was a damn good salsa; TJ’s performance was decent enough on the fundamentals that it didn’t detract from the big tricks (which were ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE and Gustavo Vargas deserves a couple of slots’ worth of choreo on the American show at this point) and Vincent was as predictably excellent at this as you would expect.

The contemporary was just excellent. Stacey Tookey is fantastic. Other than a bit of a weak slow vault for Vincent at the beginning (I thought his extension was a bit… not there), I thought this was just about perfect.

Tara-Jean’s solo: Interesting choice in that she eschewed tricks and went for a more character-based performance instead. I thought this was good.
Vincent’s solo: They really need to let ballroom dancers “solo” with a partner somehow, because watching someone as good as Vincent have to half-ass a “ballroom solo” is just dumb.

Melanie and Everett: jazz/rock and hip-hop. Oh, god, it’s the return of “rock” as a category. It was bad last season and it was bad this time around too. Melissa Williams is at this point actively my least favorite choreographer on any SYTYCD anywhere; her routines seem to top out at “tolerable,” when she has a couple of good ideas (I thought the stage-dive end was actually a pretty clever ending; unfortunately a lot of the rest of the choreo was pretty boring) and frequently are just awkward. Performancewise, Melanie was pretty good and Everett was just terrible in this: he was seriously behind the beat for large chunks of the piece and visibly struggled with a couple of the lifts.

The hip-hop exposed Luther Brown’s major weakness as a choreographer: he’s not good at working down to dancers’ levels if they’re not strong hip-hop dancers already. (Much like Shane Sparks, for that matter.) Hence this routine, which featured Melanie killing it and Everett… kind of standing around a lot. Well, maybe I do Everett a bit of a disservice here; he wasn’t as bad as, say, most of the male contemporary dancers trying to dance hip-hop on the fifth American season. But he wasn’t anywhere near as good as Melanie is at hip-hop.

Melanie’s solo: Probably the weakest and least defined solo of her entire tenure, and Melanie is one of my favorites and it kills me to say that.
Everett’s solo: Tapping en pointe, check. Ankle crossover, check. Desperate attempt to cover up lack of any other significant tricks and the fact that he practically dances the same solo every time, check.

Jayme-Rae and Emanuel: quickstep and jazz/funk. I kind of get the feeling Pierre Allaire tries to dumb down the quickstep for the non-ballroom-trained dancers, either intentionally or subconsciously when he works with them, because large parts of this felt like they were being danced at half-speed, and I don’t mean in terms of performance but in terms of choreography. (It’s not called “average step.”) This wasn’t good enough: Emanuel was better than Jayme-Rae, to be sure (and what a pleasant surprise Emanuel’s ballroom abilities have generally been), but even so.

Blake McGrath’s jazz/funk felt like an attempt to recapture the glory of his infamously, gloriously dirty Lisa/Nico routine from last season, but the problem is that Jayme-Rae and Emanuel don’t have particularly good chemistry together (well, that and the fact that “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas is like poison to the soul and not a sexy grindy song either). Jayme-Rae did her best and I thought she sold it as much as possible: Emanuel just felt like he’s done.

Jayme-Rae’s solo: Not her best, although I thought that ending spin was brutally awesome.
Emanuel’s solo: Better than anything else he did tonight, although licking the stage was perhaps a bit of overkill.

Top three girls, contemporary: I thought this was lovely and definitely very classical in feeling, which for Mia Michaels is a bit of a departure. Nothing else to say, really, other than I agree with Tre’s assertion that Melanie was the strongest of the three.

Top three boys, “suavo funk”: This was fun, and it’s nice to see that Gustavo can choreo more than just ballroom. The judges really talked up Everett in this piece, which is fair because he was great, but I honestly think Vincent was even better. Emanuel, on the other hand, was weak and tentative; maybe that’s because he’s not comfortable bringin da funk, or maybe it’s because his foot is injured, but either way he wasn’t on par with the other two.

Should go home: Jayme-Rae and Everett.
Will go home: Melanie and Emanuel.

Your guest judges are Mia (with buzzcut) and Dan (with no buzzcut).

Guys: musical theatre. Melissa Williams delivers a straightforward, fairly simple routine that was perfectly decent. In order of weakest to strongest: Cody, Emanuel, Everett, Vincent. Everett’s fancy trick was better than Vincent’s fancy trick, but Vincent’s overall dancing was better. Emanuel was not feeling this compared to the other routines he’s done, especially considering he works best with a character.

Tara-Jean and Vincent: rumba and krump.. Ugh, “Hero.” I hate this song. The choreographer looks like George Strombolopoulos. Tara-Jean and Vincent’s lifts are gorgeous (and some of them were spectacularly original, particularly that last one with Vincent lying down), but her form during the apart portions of the dance was somewhat lacking. But overall this was a good dance.

The krump was bleh. Tara-Jean was actually pretty good, although not on par with Melanie’s previous krump earlier in the season (probably the best single krump performance in SYTYCD history, for my money). But she hit her moves hard and I was impressed. Vincent was just soft, and the judges gave him very forgiving and nice comments for what was a weak performance, probably because krump is the real kiss of death.

Tara-Jean’s solo: Standard contemporary solo #16.
Vincent’s solo: If he makes top four it’s not gonna be because of his solos I tell you what.

Kim and Cody: hip-hop and smooth waltz. May I just say that I love that this show tries to do old-school hip-hop every so often? The US show seemingly gave up on old-school after that “Push It” routine failed in season three. Anyway, this was dead-on and managed to be old-school without coming across as corny or lame. The judges talked up Cody especially, but Kim, I think, was even better than he was.

The smooth waltz was horrendous. Cody’s rise and fall was terrible – terrible. Kim’s form was pretty bad too. (Also, what an ugly goddamn dress.) The two of them had precisely zero chemistry in this. Pierre Allaire was specifically spared by the judges and didn’t deserve the mercy; the routine was awkward and cheesy and didn’t flow well at all, and at this point he is zero-for-whatever for me because I can’t think of a single routine of his that I’ve liked thus far.

Kim’s solo: A bit frenetic for my tastes but not bad by any means.
Cody’s solo: Probably his weakest so far, with all of his bad tics and feeling fairly repetitive.

Melanie and Emanuel: contemporary and disco. OH BOY ANOTHER CONTEMPORARY ROUTINE ABOUT LOVE GOING WRONG WHERE ONE DANCER WALKS AWAY AT THE END. Well, that quibble aside, the contemporary routine was quite strong; not my favorite contemp of the season, not even close. Melanie was, as always, a goddamned beast. Dan particularly nailed it when he said that Emanuel wasn’t really in tune with the piece; it’s a shame because Emanuel’s gayness was never an issue with Kim and I really felt he doesn’t bring the same chemistry to Melanie that he does with Kim.

The disco was not my favorite thing. Melissa Williams’ disco makes me cry inside: after she talks about how fast it is, it’s always got these awkward pauses. The chemistry here wasn’t missing, but it felt a little bit forced. Emanuel in particular seemed to struggle with the footwork.

Melanie’s solo: Much stronger than she’s previously delivered in competition and reminded me why I liked her right off the bat.
Emanuel’s solo: Oh, so he has a sprained ankle? That explains a few things. But this was a better solo than last week’s trickfest.

Jayme-Rae and Everett: mambo and jazz/funk. Gustavo Vargas continues to demonstrate why he’s the best ballroom choreographer on the Canadian show. Jayme-Rae was spinning so fast that her outfit fell apart, hee – but her performance quality was just insane. Absolutely perfect on all the little things and the big things were very, very big. Everett was there and did not detract from Jayme-Rae’s performance and led her capably and there isn’t much else to say about him: this was Jayme-Rae’s routine, period.

Hey, Nico’s choreographing! And the girls all scream for him because he is Nico. This was a sexy routine and Everett, in particular, stepped forward to really embody his character. That having been said, both dancers had some crazy-ass tricks to work on in this one (that upside-down splits was INSANE) and they nailed every single one of them. “Jazz/funk” is just code for “dirty Canadians,” I am pretty sure.

Jayme Rae’s solo: A lyrical hip-hop piece, emphasis on the lyrical, Quite strong.
Everett’s solo: Bizarre: speedy stunt tapping to “Stand By Me” that was barely in sync with the music and felt completely wrong.

The girls: jazz. Oh boy another all girl routine where they get to be sultry and sexy and show their asses off. Bleh. I want asskicking from the girls, dammit. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they did it just about perfectly. But still. I expect more.

Should go home: Kim and Cody.
Will go home: Melanie and Cody.

Your guest judges are Blake and Luther, which just feels less special somehow. Tonight we have one hour of show, because CTV sucks ass in ways I cannot begin to describe.

Melanie and Vincent: paso doble. This was extremely strong: Melanie is really good at just about everything and so is Vincent and predictably they nailed this absolutely mad-on. Natalli and Francis are show choreographers now! Woo for them. There is not much to say here because there is absolutely nothing to complain about at all.

Kim’s solo: Not her best; not bad, but not nearly so cool as previous ones.

Everett’s solo: The tap novelty wore off a long time ago and this felt self-congratulatory.

Amy and Cody: contemporary. This honestly wasn’t bad at all, but the judges were down on it, giving Cody the “you’re a hard worker” death-by-compliment and just telling Amy flat out she wasn’t good enough in it. Which, to be honest, I didn’t get: I thought their sync portions were dead on and I thought Cody’s partnering in particular was really impressive, but Amy’s character work was really heartfelt for me. But it’s not like I agree with the judges all the time or anything.

Jayme Rae’s solo: Hip-hop rather than contemporary, which would be a bold move if it weren’t for the fact that Jayme Rae is well proven as a sick, sick hip-hop dancer.

Austin’s solo: Probably the first solo he’s done where his tricks blended into the routine as a whole rather than just being showy stunts that hurt the flow, and thus his best one yet.

Tara-Jean and Emanuel: samba. Hey, a TonyNMelanie ™ routine that I actually liked for once! That sets their streak at one. Emanuel and Tara-Jean were both actually pretty strong in this, although neither one really worked the shoulder rolling necessary to make the samba really work at 100%. (Blake called Emanuel out on it a bit, but Tara-Jean was about as weak at it as he.) However, both worked the hip action necessary for the samba, and the hip movement is much more crucial to get that proper Latin feel than the shoulder rolls are: they both sat down a bit into their movements, not so much to become parodic but exactly the right amount. They also partnered each other well. This was much better than I expected.

Amy’s solo: Not up to her usual standard; she seemed a bit desperate, which is understandable given her recent panning. Seemed to be going to the Standard Contempo-Well O’ Tricks.

Cody’s solo: Probably the strongest one yet from him: fluid and funky, graceful without losing his gritty hardcore centre. Genuinely impressive.

Amy and Everett: jazz. The judges were raving and I don’t see it at all. I mean, the idea is fine, the choreo was fine, the dancing was fine (Amy much more than Everett, but he certainly wasn’t bad) – but this routine just left me cold and didn’t grab me at all. I just didn’t feel connected to it as a viewer: it felt forced to me in a way I have trouble describing. I’ll have to watch it again to see if I missed something (or a bunch of things); sometimes it takes a second viewing, but I dunno.

Melanie’s solo: Weak sauce.

Vincent’s solo: The same six moves he always does, which given that he’s a ballroom dancer is forgivable, but… yeah.

Jayme-Rae and Austin: hip-hop. Jayme-Rae killed this, but Austin was mostly ahead of the beat, and the unison was so important to the choreo that a lot of the spark got drained out because Austin was off-time (and looked cheerleaderish as a result). Could have been great; was mediocre, and that’s almost entirely on Austin.

Tara-Jean’s solo: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Emanuel’s solo: Lots of jumping around and OH GOD IT IS LAST YEAR’S EMANUEL COME BACK TO DOUCHE IT UP SUDDENLY

Should go home: Amy and Austin.
Will go home: Amy and Cody.

Your guest judges are Mia “America’s Stacey Tookey” Michaels and Rex Harrington.

Tara-Jean and Everett: musical theatre (but actually tap). As impressed as I am that a tap routine – and really, this was just about entirely a tap routine – made it onto a So You Think You Can Dance stage, the partnering portions of this were sometimes weak, and I put that almost entirely on Everett, who’s clearly the lesser half of the pairing. He’s not bad, but he’s hit his level. However, the judges gave this a sloppy blowjob that one might expect of a Bollywood routine, and completely ignored the badly blown final spot where Everett nearly dropped Tara-Jean. So my guess is that even if they make bottom three, they’ll be safe.

Melanie and Cody: jazz. First Melissa Williams routine of the season that didn’t A) kinda suck or B) suck really bad. It only took till top 12! Anyway, even though the routine didn’t suck it was pretty generic, with a couple of awkward pauses (the couple of seconds they had to spend tying on a blindfold that only stayed on for another couple of moves was kind of excruciating). Melanie’s performance quality was amazing, but at this point anything less than “holy shit” from Melanie would be a disappointment. Cody was fine; he needs to be more than “fine” at this point because he’s been with Melanie so long that she is seriously outclassing him.

Corynne and Austin: salsa. Why do we need to import TonyandMelanie ™ when we have Gustavo Vargas, who is almost always better at Latin dance choreography? Answer: I dunno. Anyway, this was an epic clusterfuck, with the judges giving credit for a little hip-shaking on Corynne’s part and completely ignoring her lifting her feet way too high in the basic steps (it almost looked like she was marching at times) and giving Austin too many props for what was only a competent performance on his part. Mia actually nailed it when she called it “forced sexiness” – I kept thinking “my god, just because you wiggle your ass, it doesn’t mean you’re dancing proper salsa.”

Kim and Emanuel: hip-hop. Emanuel was better this week than he was back in top-20 when he and Kim did old-school hip-hop. Granted, that performance was terrible, so perhaps that is damning with faint praise. It was the sort of performance where you say “that was… good,” and you mean the word “good” but still, there is that little pause, you know? And the observant eye doesn’t miss that the most intricate parts of the routine had Kim literally performing in front of Emanuel. Kim, incidentally, murdered this, then dug it up and murdered it again.

Jayme-Rae and Daniel: contemporary. Not one of Blake’s best routines, I think. Ah, well, he was due for an off night. Other than that, there wasn’t much notable about this routine other than the judges’ willingness to throw Daniel under the “you’re such a hard worker but you didn’t quite do it” bus, considering he was better out of his style than most of the other boys tonight.

Amy and Vincent: jive. TonyandMelanie ™ serve up another dull jive. Have they ever choreographed a really good jive? I am trying to think of one and am coming up short. Both Vincent and Amy were fine, performancewise: it was a perfectly decent piece of work on both their parts at performing a perfectly dull routine. The judges tonguebathed it, though, so maybe they will survive.

Probable bottom three: Amy and Vincent, Corynne and Austin, Jayme-Rae and Daniel.
Should go home: Corynne and Austin.
Will go home: Corynne and Daniel.

Your guest judges this week are Dan “Best Judge In SYTYCD History Who Is Not Jason Coleman From Australia” Karaty and… Karen Kain? For reals? Holy shit.

Melanie and Cody: hip-hop. There isn’t too much to say here: this was fantastic, another example of how Luther Brown can choreo hip-hop without any need for elaborate stuntwork and still be better than just about anybody else. Melanie continues to be ridiculously good at almost everything. Cody was in his element and did not disappoint. Karen Kain starts off an entire evening of being absolutely goddamned awesome by admitting that she can’t accurately judge hip-hop technique, but then critiques them on their general physicality and presence absolutely brilliantly.

Amy and Vincent: cha-cha. Amy was a lot better this week than she was in her first week doing salsa. This is not to say that she danced it like a white girl, because she did, but at least she danced it like a skilled white girl rather than an awkward, clumsy white girl. Vincent was as predictably excellent as always. Karen Kain, who is awesome, notes that her feet were a bit off in parts, but then politely thanks them for good work. Amy and Vincent are really developing good chemistry together; it’s a pity that I think they’ll have a bit of a challenge making top ten.

Tara-Jean and Everett: house. The judges went wild for this: Dan accurately explaining how difficult house is as a dance style, Karen Kain (who is awesome) admitting her unfamiliarity with the style again but then explaining how good Tara-Jean and Everett’s chemistry is (and it’s very good), Tre just offering props and Jean-Marc being Jean-Marc, but justified for once. This wasn’t quite as good as they said: Everett in particular shorted his steps just a little bit and they were probably lucky that the brief bit of floorwork was brief. And it wasn’t as good as Vincent and Lisa’s house last year. That having been said, this was very strong overall and the first time Tara-Jean and Everett have really impressed me.

Kim and Emanuel: contemporary. Stacey Tookey is mega-exploding-laser levels of hot. I am just saying. This was pretty much perfect. Karen Kain (who is awesome) pointed out quite eloquently that unlike a lot of routines on this show, there was a lot of quiet, non-melodramatic artistry here. GODDAMNIT, KAREN KAIN, STOP BEING AWESOME BECAUSE YOU ARE QUEERING UP MY GIG HERE.

Jayme-Rae and Daniel: disco. Much better disco routine from Melissa Williams this time around after that disaster in the top 20 week. This was… okay? Good, even. But not great: whenever the two of them went to close holds, their footwork got a bit hesitant, and disco needs full commitment, not only to the characters but to the steps. Jayme-Rae also seemed a bit unwilling to really embrace the cheese factor of disco: in comparison I thought Daniel nailed that. Still, they’ve been justifiably popular until now, so they should be safe.

Natalie and Danny: West Coast swing. Pretty much the entire judging panel went “okay, maybe it’s not really West Coast swing, but hey, Benji Schwimmer says it is, so what the hell.” Which is pretty much what it was: Benji being a dance dork and doing whatever the hell he wanted in terms of choreo, throwing in hip-hop and contemporary flourishes wherever he felt it appropriate, and making it work. (SYTYCD nerds will note that Donyelle was his teaching partner and that she’s apparently learned a lot of ballroom since season 2.) Anyway, this was weird (and I fucking hate “Love Lockdown” – fuck you, Kanye, fuck you sideways for your shitty-ass song where you pretend to be minimalist) but very good. Karen Kain (who is awesome) nailed it on the head when she pointed out that Benji designed the routine to take advantage of Natalie and Danny’s respective dancing strengths.

Corynne and Austin: jazz. Choreographed by John Byrne – not the cranky old comics John Byrne but the choreographer John Byrne. (That having been said, please take a minute to make up a John Byrne joke in your head if you are so inclined. I personally like the one where he angrily yells at the dancers not to call Batman “Bats.”) This was very good, a worthy cap to one of the strongest overall episodes of SYTYCD I’ve ever seen. Corynne doing that super-fast running leap in heels was just ridiculous, and Austin’s tricks didn’t feel out of place given the storyline of the piece.

Probable bottom three: (Christ, this is hard this week.) Amy and Vincent, Jayme-Rae and Daniel, Natalie and Danny.
Should go home: Amy and Danny.
Will go home: Amy and Danny.
Should come back every week: Dan Karaty and motherfucking Karen Kain.

Your guest judges this week are Sean Cheeseman and Melissa Williams, bringing the Cancon and the actually capable judging.

Kim and Emanuel: jazz/funk./ I am coming to understand that “jazz/funk” as a genre actually means “Blake McGrath is a pervert.” This is the sort of routine that really serves Emanuel well: heavy on character, so he can vamp it up (which he does very well) and the sort of technique required was the sort that he already has. Kim was great as always. It was very strong and, of course, very perverted.

Amy and Vincent: hip-hop. I’m willing to declare Vincent the new Pasha at this point – he’s just good at everything, seemingly regardless of genre, and he absolutely killed this routine (which, incidentally, I liked – Flii Stylz is a welcome addition to the SYTYCDCA choreographer roster). Amy wasn’t quite as good as Vincent was, but she was only a little off Vincent’s level. This was great.

Corynne and Austin: contemporary. Ah, Stacey Tookey: “Canada’s Mia Michaels Except Better.” So the routine is good. Corynne’s facial expressions are great, but for a routine that demanded physicality I felt that she was very… light, really. Which is to say that it was pretty obviously that she was a ballerina from the way she danced: airy and light on her feet, even when the choreo demanded more forceful steps. She didn’t miss anything, but she brought a fragility to the routine that I didn’t quite care for – your mileage may vary. As for Austin, all the hype about him “finally getting to dance” rather than just doing tricks was a little tiresome, especially when I don’t think his connections were quite as good as claimed. They were okay; not great. But these are by and large nitpicks for a well-danced quality routine.

Melanie and Cody: mambo. I love Gustavo Vargas’ Latin choreo, and I love Melanie thus far (Cody is okay but only that), so I was looking forward to this, and was slightly disappointed on all fronts. The choreo felt very stop-and-start, although that might have been in part the fault of the dancers, who didn’t transition between the tricks well at all. Cody’s Latin flavour was distinctly lacking; Melanie was okay and nothing more. The judges oversold this quite a bit.

Tara-Jean and Everett: quickstep. Oh god this was awful. It really annoys me when people call quickstep the “dance of death,” because some of my favorite routines on the show ever have been quicksteps: when it’s done well there’s almost nothing quite as fantastic. But this was not “done well.” This was bloody terrible, even with tons of Charleston choreography thrown in to make it more crowd- and dancer-friendly. There was just too much of this routine that came across as awkward and clumsy to call it good or even passable; even the big tricks were done poorly.

Jayme-Rae and Daniel: hip-hop. I like Luther Brown’s choreo because the guy is such a hip-hop traditionalist: no stupid big lifts to make the crowd scream like Pavlovian dogs, just solid, entertaining floorwork the entire way through. Of course, since he doesn’t go in for huge stunts, that means the dancers have to be fully on their game to make the routine work. Jayme-Rae and Daniel were beyond fully on their game: they’re probably the best and most balanced partnership of the season, and both of them are stunningly good at hip-hop (and for Jayme-Rae that’s quite impressive given her contemporary background). Second week in a row where these two have had the best routine of the night.

Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas: hustle. Benji Schwimmer didn’t get to choreo once in the most recent American season, but frankly I’ve always been a big fan of Benji’s work so hey, more for us. I liked the choreo here but Nicolas and Jenna-Lynn didn’t sell it for me: there were too many parts where they were rough, even with nice chunks where they got to work in their own styles. Also, Nicolas needs to stop with that freakish Joker-like grin of his. It is downright unsettling.

Natalie and Danny: rumba. Danny isn’t a bad dancer by any means, but he’s just not a memorable dancer, especially given that he’s paired with Natalie, who has so much performance ability it is scary. This rumba was a case in point: it came across as Natalie in the role of classic Cyd Charisse dancing in a old movie, and Danny as a background dancer who lifts her around a few places. It doesn’t matter how good Danny’s technique is (and he is good, he hasn’t really failed to do anything yet) if he dances like a supporting cast member.

Probable bottom three: Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas, Tara-Jean and Everett, Natalie and Danny.
Should go home: Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas.
Will go home: Tara-Jean and Everett.

So last week’s elimination caused some drama, as Tatiana has gone on eTalk and a bunch of other media outlets bitching about her elimination bein unfair. Now, I thought Tatiana’s elimination was wrong – Melanie B. had a horrifically bad solo and Tatiana a good one, and that should count. But, rewatching Tatiana’s capoeira routine with Austin, she just blew a number of moves (most notably a headstand roll that was below-amateur quality, but there were others) and the routine mostly got by because A) her character was very strong and B) Austin was a housafire. So her elimination wasn’t unjustified; just arguable. And really, given that even making top 20 can be a career boost for a dancer, Tatiana needs to shut up before she ruins whatever boost this can give her.

Anyway. This week our guest judge is Mary Murphy. Oh lord. Please let her be sane Mary who sometimes shows up in Canada.

Melanie M. and Cody: krump. Cody’s personal hip-hop style actually isn’t that much unlike krump in his movements (although he works much more gently), so although he wasn’t bad he wasn’t great, given that he didn’t hit it hard enough; I expected more. Melanie, on the other hand, ripped it all off and left it on the floor bleeding because she is awesome sauce. Mary Murphy Annoying Factor: 0.

Tara-Jean and Everett: salsa. It’s pretty obvious that these two like each other as partners, which is good. They bobbled some of the bigger stunts (Everett’s stepover was especially clumsy, and Tara-Jean was shaky in the beginning), but made up for it with strong, flirty chemistry and enthuiastic performance on the easier parts. For second week, perfectly respectable. Mary Murphy Annoying Factor: 3 (“hot tamale train” and mild scream).

Kim and Emanuel: theatre. I like Sean Cheeseman routines generally and this was not an exception: he can really throw in good physical comedy when he wants to. With the exception of the last big spinning lift (which felt a bit awkward; the scoop up was very rough), the big tricks were all done perfectly, and Kim and Emanuel both embodied their characters really well. The Sandhu haters won’t like it, but this was a good routine. Mary Murphy Annoying Factor: 0.

Amy and Vincent: contemporary. Very good. But very weird. (Blake is sometimes weird.) Vincent started out a bit stiff but got into it quickly enough; Amy was great throughout. Not much else to say: this was very, very strong. Mary Murphy Annoying Factor: 0. Maybe they gave her sedatives beforehand. Jean-Marc, however, gets weepy for the first time tonight, which – no, Jean-Marc.

Jayme-Rae and Daniel: dancehall. Hot DAMN. Easily the best routine of the entire season so far: dirty and stank and sexy. This was goddamned great, the first serious contender from this season for the best routines lists. Both of them hit every move perfectly; with the exception of the lift, which seemed a bit forced into the routine, there was not a move out of place choreography-wise. Mary Murphy is being so reasonable that I may have to retire the Annoying Factor before it even got started. Jean-Marc, however, compensates for Mary’s lack of annoyance by doing the “hey Canada (insert style) COME ON” as well as his second attempt of the night to get his horrible “VID” catchphrase over. It will never be over, Jean-Marc.

Corynne and Anthony: paso doble. Hey, Francis and Natalli are assisting in the practice! Awesome. (You know, for all the “Melissa is so old” crap from the last American season, one feels the need to point out that Natalli is A) older and B) better.) And… well, you want to say that the blown move defines this routine, but even before the collapse, I’d have trouble calling this anything better than average no matter what the judges say: Anthony wasn’t fierce and Corynne wasn’t sultry, and that just got worse once they fell on their ass. Yeah, they finished, but not well.

Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas: hip-hop. Mary actually earns props from me for pointing out that B-boys aren’t hip-hop dancers per se despite the shared culture. Nicolas’ work in this mostly belied that; he occasionally wasn’t clean, but made up for it by committing to the steps. Jenna-Lynn was mediocre. Jean-Marc wants us to COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!

Natalie and Danny: jazz. Natalie impressed the fuck out of me with this one: her commitment to the piece was full-on and her performance quality inspired. Danny has danced twice now and I can barely remember either time; this time around he was your standard forklift and not even a very interesting forklift, and I don’t see him making top 10 unless he pulls a Kameron on Natalie’s popularity.

Melanie B. and Austin: smooth waltz. The choreography was awfully frenetic for a smooth waltz; Melanie in particular was not good; her technique was just not there and everything she did was tentative. (Boy, a ballroom dancer who’s afraid of lifts. I sure am glad she stuck around.) Austin’s rise and fall was serviceable for someone not trained in ballroom; not glorious, but perfectly solid. Melanie needs to go; this is the second time she’s gotten ballroom, which is supposed to be her specialty, and not been any damn good at it.

Probable bottom three: Corynne and Anthony, Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas, Melanie and Austin.
Should go home: Melanie and Anthony.
Will go home: Melanie and Anthony.

Competition begins! Your judges are Jean-Marc, Tre, and Blake and Luther before Blake and Luther go off to be choreographers rather than judges. Tre says this is the best top 20 ever, which considering this is second season is not that big a deal; then Jean-Marc ups the ante by saying this is the best top 20 of any SYTYCD anywhere, which leads me to mentally respond “really… better than US season 3 and Australia season 2?” So we shall see.

Tara-Jean and Everett: jive. This was… pretty mediocre. The judges gave it a tonguebath, but they can’t not give the very first routine of the season anything but, especially after boasting immediately before about how great this top 20 was. The routine itself was jumbled and confused, which probably has something to do with the fact that Melissa Williams is a contemporary and pop choreographer who dabbles in ballroom rather than the other way around. Tara-Jean and Everett danced it capably but lacked energy; their kicks didn’t have enough snap and once or twice they looked lost.

Amy and Vincent: samba. The judges all talked about how Amy blew the lift (when her foot slipped on Vincent’s knee while stepping up into it), but she and Vincent recovered very well from it so I don’t really care about that. A little more bothersome is that Amy’s footwork was at times clumsy, and that I feel her personality in the dance was more “bubbly” than “sultry,” and I think the samba and most Latin dance generally should tend towards the latter. Vincent, on the other hand, absolutely nailed it in every way possible. This was quite good for top 20 week.

Melanie M. and Cody: contemporary. Stacey Tookey is more or less Canada’s version of Mia Michaels (minus the self-importance that Mia found somewhere during season two of the American show) and delivered an excellent routine here; Cody and Melanie M. have crazy chemistry together and danced this very well. A couple of times, Cody was definitely not quite in the moment – most notably for the huge lift he had to do, where the camera pulled out but you could still see him struggling a bit to do that massive lift. Then again, Cody is not built like Superman, so I think that’s entirely forgivable, and for the most part he was up to Melanie’s absurdly high level of excellence. I thought these two were locks for top 20; now I think they’re locks for top 10 and Melanie is already a threat for the finals.

Kim and Emanuel: hip-hop. Let me preface by giving love to Sho-Tyme for giving us 90s-style hip-hop set to MC Hammer, of all things. As to the dancing itself: Kim nailed it. She was in the beat the entire time and hit every single move cleanly, and even tried to compensate her own moves to match time with Emanuel’s mistakes. Emanuel clearly was not even close to the beat and looked completely out of his element in that regard: he tried to make up for it by exuding the right attitude for the piece, but all the attitude in the world wouldn’t make up for the steps he was blowing. This could have been massively entertaining (like Sho-Tyme’s house routine from last year), but there’s no way to call it anything but a failure.

Corynne and Anthony: Viennese waltz. Apart from a couple of bobbles by Corynne at the beginning this was technically very sound and artistically solid, but I echo Blake’s “it didn’t do much for me” because Corynne and Anthony danced it very well as two individuals; there’s no chemistry between these two as partners; it’s nearly as bad as the passionless void between Caitlyn and Jason in US season 5. Hopefully they can find some.

Natalie and Danny: hip-hop. Natalie was a HOUSAFIRE tonight; she killed that routine in every way possible it is to kill a hip-hop routine. Danny was actually pretty good; there was a moment right near the end where he kind of got lost a little bit, but for the most part he was solidly in the groove throughout and complemented Natalie’s hardcore work very nicely. This was damn solid.

Jayme-Rae and Daniel: Afro-jazz. This was an absolutely killer routine – maybe a little more “jazz” than “Afro-” to be sure, but just great, great choreography by Sean Cheeseman. That bit where Daniel walked Jayme-Rae across the wall? KILLER. Everything about this was absolutely great.

Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas: disco. I love that Tre had the presence of mind to amend it and call it a “contemporary disco, sort of,” because the only parts of that routine that were disco were a couple of hip shimmies and a quick hand ripple; welcome to Melissa Williams’ world, where a routine is whatever she wants it to be. This was some weird hybrid of West Coast swing and partnered jazz, not disco. (And let us be honest: there was nothing about this routine that was noteworthy. It was kind of boring.) That having been said, Jenna-Lynn and Nicolas danced what they were given quite well indeed; it was just the suggestion that this thingie was a disco routine that made the whole thing slightly jarring.

Tatiana and Austin: capoiera. First off, when they announced they were doing capoiera I was all “FUCK YES” and then it turned out that it was actually a sort of Latin-dance modified capoeira, but after ten seconds I was still all “FUCK YES” because this routine was totally goddamned awesome, and Tatiana and Austin killed it. Easily my favorite routine of the night.

Melanie B. and Brüno Taylor: tango. Melanie B. actually impressed me a bit less than Taylor in this, which given that this is supposed to be her specialty is notso hotso; she tripped over her own feet at least twice – only slightly, maybe, not enough to really affect the routine, but visibly. I honestly wasn’t expecting anything out of Taylor for this and was actually quite surprised: not just because he danced the entire routine through a bloody mouth but because he really danced in a manly, aggressive way that a lot of contempo dancers have trouble doing.

So: is this the best top 20 ever? No; at best it’s on par with US season 3, and definitely not as good as Australia season 2 (still the benchmark). But it’s a very strong top 20 outing, and last year SYTYCD Canada started off a bit slow and only really started picking up steam in the second and third performance episodes.

Probably bottom three: Kim and Emanuel, Tara-Jean and Everett, Mel B. and Taylor.
Should go home: Mel B. and Emanuel.
Will go home: Tara-Jean and Everett.

(Man, that is an acronym right there. Anyway.)

I have much higher hopes for the Canadian top 20 this year than I did for America’s season 5 top 20. Partially this is because I am biased and Canada is awesome sauce. But more importantly, it’s because this Canadian top 20 is much more balanced in representation of styles as opposed to the contempo-fest that was US season 5, and I like to see the clash of styles in the competition episodes. And this season we get a krumper, a B-boy, a tapper, two more insane ballroom boys and a pretty promising ballroom girl, a bunch of hip-hop dancers and a ballerina in addition to the usual band of classically trained types.

Actually, it’s not entirely fair to slam the American show for being a contempo-fest when the first Canadian season featured two pure hip-hop dancers (Miles and Tamina), a B-boy (Jesse), two ballroom boys (Francis and Danny) and everybody else had a great deal of contemporary or classical training; the difference is that the Canadian contemporary dancers were almost uniformly cross-trained in other styles and the American contemporary dancers weren’t.

I think that the final selection of dancers is influenced heavily by the shaping of the elimination process: the American show this past season started its Vegas week with a softcore Napoleon/Tabitha hip-hop and followed up with a relatively light waltz, both of which were relatively generous to contemporary dancers, before proceeding to a trio of jazz and contemporary rounds (plus the group dance round). In comparison, the Canadian show this year kicked off elimination week with Luther Brown’s much harder hip-hop, then an urban jazz, then a ridiculously hard (and super awesome) samba; that’s not unfair to contemporary dancers, but it means basic skills, like sitting back in the beat for a hip-hop dance or holding proper form for a ballroom number, become more important and can’t be glossed over, which they clearly were for season 5 of the American show.

Anyhow. Specific thoughts:

– I called Melanie Mah, Cody, Vincent, Kim and Tatiana from the beginning; I thought Austin and Emanuel Sandhu were both very likely as well. All are good (yes, even Emanuel, who has clearly pushed his game as hard as he can, despite now having a haircut that makes me think of Guile from Street Fighter). All should be very strong – especially Melanie, who reminds me of nothing so much as a female Brandon Bryant – viciously powerful contemporary dancing combined with the ability to do other styles almost effortlessly.

– I didn’t think Nicolas the B-boy was the best B-boy to make the elimination rounds, but he was apparently the one adapting the best to other styles. I’ll be curious to see how far he can go.

– Everett the tapper actually wasn’t one of my picks: I was hoping that Justin Jackson – who had probably the best tap solo I’ve ever seen on an SYTYCD ever last year – would sneak in. But Justin got blanked at the final picks, so maybe he’ll make it in next year. Everett is fine, though.

– Natalie the krumper I felt was likely to make top 20 just based on novelty value; my guess is that she’ll stumble outside of urban styles given that she danced for her life two or three times during the elimination process.

– Dancers I would have preferred to not make top 20 this year: Corynne the ballerina (she just feels very generic to me), Tara-Jean the contemporary dancer (not a fan) and Taylor the contemporary dancer (I’m not getting the personality from him). Would have preferred to see more ballroom girls and either Jeff the contemporary dancer or that Celtic dancer. That having been said, the judges did have the good sense not to put Gessuri through; he seemed to be a lock to become this year’s Dario (namely, a beautiful, original dancer with no head for following choreography or dancing outside of his style).

Your judges this week are Nigel, Mary, and L’il C, and dare I say all the jokes made at the expense of L’il C’s vocabulary are really annoying and pretty patronizing to boot?

Top three guys: contemporary. Sonya’s routine here was clever and danced well by all three; I think Shorty got a little more credit than he deserved for the routine (he was easily the weakest of the three), but he at least managed to keep up with Brandon and Ade, which is no small achievement on his part.

Jeanine and Ade: samba and hip-hop. I thought Ade was much better in the samba than Mary gave him credit for; yes, the rolls were atrocious, but they were atrocious because of both dancers, and beyond the rolls I thought Ade did a perfectly reasonable job. Jeanine was on fire for this one and really worked her part to the utmost. I note that apparently “stick” is now a dirty word worthy of being censored. Hopefully it will make future choreographers reconsider using Lady Gaga for anything.

The hip-hop… well. First off, Jeanine, stop goddamn mugging so hard. Second off, this was one of Napoleon and Tabitha’s better routines this season, except for their insistence on making Jeanine and Ade dance in those boxes. Seriously, who the hell thinks that’s a good idea? First putting dancers in chains, and now making them have box feet? Are Napitha and Taboleon actively trying to handicap people, or what? Anyway, this routine was danced reasonably well, although they did nearly screw up the “Jeanine does double-dutch over Ade’s legs” part.

Jeanine’s solo: Far and away the weakest one she’s performed so far.

Ade’s solo: He really likes dancing fast, but this time he at least found a reasonable element of his song to which he could dance fast (IE, the vocals), so it was all right.

Melissa and Shorty: Broadway and quickstep. Tasty Oreo returns with another crappy Broadway piece, ending his streak of good Broadway routines at one. (This ties his previous record of one.) Melissa and Shorty just don’t have a lot of chemistry with one another and this staggeringly literal “Get Me To The Church On Time” routine needs chemistry. Melissa says that she is the oldest dancer ever on this show at 29, leaving the first season’s Big Fat Alan, who was 30, to cry and go eat a cheesecake as he watches on teevee at home.

Nigel says that Melissa has been “challenged,” which – she’s danced only five partner routines out of eleven this season where her ballet training wouldn’t have come into play (IE, contemporary or jazz pieces). Out of those five, the two that were slow she danced acceptably, and she was crap in all the others. And she hasn’t danced hip-hop once all season; she could go through to top 4 without having danced a single hip-hop dance. How is that “challenging?”

The quickstep was pretty goddamn terrible and they both sucked at it.

Melissa’s solo: Felt like the first quarter of a three-minute solo. Underdanced.

Shorty’s solo: FOR FUCK’S SAKE STOP DOING THAT “AW SHUCKS” SHRUG AT THE END OF EVERY FUCKING ROUTINE.

Kayla and Brandon: contemporary and disco. Stacey Tookey is awesome. She is like Canada’s Mia Michaels except without all the baggage that Mia Michaels brings with her. (Also, Stacey Tookey is seriously goddamned hot. This has no impact on her ability as a dancer or choreographer, but… daaaaaaamn.) Her adultery routine was just brilliant and gorgeous, and Brandon and Kayla danced it just about perfectly. When I saw it, I thought “well, Kayla is blossoming at just the right time.”

And then came the disco, which started out competently enough, with the requisite amount of disco cheese that is right and proper, maybe with Brandon carrying the routine a little more than Kayla – but shortly thereafter it disssolved into the usual Doriana Sanchez nightmare of prepare-lift-prepare-lift-prepare-lift. God, what a horrible piece of work. However, the Disco Rule (“No judge shall say an obviously bad disco routine is bad”) is in effect, so.

Kayla’s solo: Not as good as last week, but perfectly credible.

Brandon’s solo: Holeeeeeee shit that was a motherfucking solo.

Top three girls: contemporary. This was there. Compared to the guys’ three-person routine, this was decidedly more lacklustre. Melissa in particular didn’t seem to connect with the routine as much as the other two.

Should go home: Melissa and Shorty.
Will go home: Melissa and Ade.

Your guest judges for episode 99 are Mia Michaels and Ellen Degeneres, for reasons which totally escape me. But at least Ellen can tell jokes that go somewhere. Take note, Nigel.

Group number: contemporary/hip-hop thingie. This was substandard by any yardstick. Yes, yes, they’re all proud of Travis, but this was so boring – dull, predictable group choreography that felt like recital-lite with brief moments of interest when individual dancers were allowed to show off their particular stunts. (Except for Evan, because he is short and all he does that the others don’t is jump high and be charming.) Standard (and wholly undeserved) judge blowjob for Travis. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Janette and Shorty: jazz and rumba. Janette blew me away in Sonya’s jazz piece, but I can’t help but feel Shorty was terribly hard done by as regards Sonya’s choreo; the piece, I think, focused a lot more on Janette doing these awesome things and Shorty, well, carrying her around so she could do the awesome things. Which he did fine, but. Mary Murphy comments that this piece is way outside of Shorty’s area; Shorty is specifically a jazz dancer and this was a jazz dance routine. Shut up, Mary. Mia comments that Shorty is too nice to dance in one of Sonya’s Tim Burton imitations, because Sonya is dark and writes poetry in coffee houses and stuff. Shut up, Mia.

The rumba… look, we know Shorty is a white boy, but making him dance a rumba to Kris Allen is just cruel. Tony and Melanie’s slow routines almost always bore the crap out of me and this was no exception. (Where the hell is Jason Gilkison or Jean-Marc? Or Dmitri or Pasha and Anya? Where did Louis Amstel go? When did Tony and Melanie become the Tabitha and Napoleon of ballroom?) Janette was predictably excellent as this and balanced out Shorty’s boringtude; I actually think he had the attitude but didn’t quite show up with the ability. Nigel says Shorty has “heavy eyebrows,” which… what?

Janette’s solo: Well, if you use up all your ballroom tricks in one solo, I guess you go for mock-contemporary. Which wasn’t bad, albeit technically not all there.

Shorty’s solo: The air he gets on his leaps just staggers me. At some point, maybe a choreographer will actually, like, use it.

Jeanine and Brandon: waltz and pop/jazz. Jeanine was better in the waltz than Brandon, who I think was pretty obviously uncomfortable with it. Her rise and fall was quite good; his was intermittent at best, sometimes there, sometimes not. The footwork was solid; nothing amazing, but no major mistakes. They had very good chemistry, though, and the lifts were predictably good. This was perfectly acceptable ballroom by the standard of top 8 on SYTYCD.

The pop/jazz (pazz? Jop?) was sensational. I was amazed that they performed it so well that the crowd (which, let us admit, can frequently be a bit dumb) was actually able to get engaged in a dance with almost no major lifts or “hey lookit” drama bits – and then threw in those parts right at the end anyway. This was just fucking great dancing – energetic, strong, exciting – and LaurieAnn Gibson can come back anytime she likes in my book. It didn’t hurt that Brandon and Jeanine are easily the two physically strongest dancers left; they looked like they could tear shit up, and then did. (Also: Kris Allen AND Jordin Sparks in one night? HELLO WE ARE NINETEEN ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCING THIS SHOW.)

Jeanine’s solo: Just fucking great. That opening progression, with the movements paired to the stuttering piano notes? Holeeeeee shit. Jeanine is simply in a whole other league above the other girls left on this show.

Brandon’s solo: Not up to his usual standard for artistry, but insanely physical; I suspect he got a bit spooked by the Tasty Oreo contemporary piece immediately before and decided to go for stunts.

Melissa and Ade: cha cha and contemporary. Ade could probably be a pretty damn good Latin dancer with more training, but he does need more training; he’s got the natural feel for the Latin body waves but he doesn’t quite commit to them; I suspect his earlier rumba was benefited by its slow pace. Melissa made me feel like I was watching them dance this at half speed; she looked slow and cumbersome in the dance, and the routine itself had so many poses and stops that it demanded full commitment from Melissa and I just didn’t get that at all. This was extremely bad for top 8 and frankly probably would have gotten them eliminated earlier.

That having been said, I think they’re safe, because the contemporary was very good. I was prepared to loathe it because breast cancer is such an Obviously Special And Important Topic (and because, come on, Tasty Oreo), but Melissa and Ade danced it very, very well and really brought the emotions through, and I remembered that Tasty can really deliver when he leaves the Broadway area which he supposedly dominates. Don’t get me wrong; I think on terms of overall ability Melissa definitely deserves to go home before the other three, and I think Ade doesn’t necessarily deserve to make top 4 as others do. But I don’t see it happening when they made the judges cry and had the Very Important Message.

Ade’s solo: Rock solid.

Melissa’s solo: She always picks these awesome, distinctive pieces of music and then dithers around en-pointlessly and I’m really, really sick of it.

Kayla and Jason: Broadway and hip-hop. I know I mock Tasty Oreo’s Broadway on a routine basis, but this one was genuinely great: it was sultry and smooth and clever and charming, and actually felt like what “Broadway” should be, rather than just being a slightly modified jazz dance as per usual Tasty. If one needed any proof that it was Jason’s lack of chemistry that was holding him back, I think this week and last demonstrate that this was the case; with new partners he’s simply blossomed. Kayla was excellent and actually demonstrated real character for the first time in pretty much ever. Mary has a wooden steamwhistle. Shut up, Mary.

The hip-hop could have been great – that was pretty goddamned brilliant choreo from Shane Sparks, with a great concept. I can’t quite call it “great.” Maybe “good.” Jason and Kayla hit their moves cleanly enough that I can’t complain there, but the “heavy” character I wanted to see out of zombies dancing – that they were specifically instructed to include – just wasn’t there. Jason was stronger than Kayla was. Still, given how shit the hip-hop has mostly been this season, I have to admit that “okay” is a step up. But I would have preferred to see Philipchbeeb -or motherfucking TWITCH – rock this one.

Kayla’s solo: Much better than I am used to from her; actually worked very well with the music and wasn’t just a collection of stunts and tricks.

Jason’s solo: More frenetic than last week, but not as frenetic as previously and had a bit of a sense of build. Decent.

Should go home: Melissa and Shorty.
Will go home: Kayla and Shorty.

Your guest judge is Debbie Allen, and one can’t really have a truly negative opinion about Debbie Allen, so that’s good. Also, commercials for SYTYCD Canada! August 11, babeeee.

Top five girls: Bollywood. The judges worshipped this, but honestly it wasn’t that great. Randi was obviously sloppy. Melissa was frequently off the beat and also sloppy. Jeanine, Jeanette and Kayla were various degrees of solid; Jeanette was a little out of time but had the best vitality in her dance, while Jeanine and Kayla hit the moves dead-perfect (but weren’t as upbeat and “Bollywoodish” as Jeanette). Group routines tend to be more forgiving, though, so I don’t think it’ll hurt anybody.

Kayla and Short Evan Who Is Short: Viennese waltz. You know, I don’t think there’s a style that the judges are more forgiving on than Viennese waltz. It’s simply not a very difficult form of dance: it requires knowledge of the basic step pattern, the ability to rise and fall, and a little character. The hard parts are the lifts and free dance portions, and this is what inevitably happens on this show: those are the parts the untrained-in-ballroom dancers nail, and then they fuck up what’s actually the easy part. This was a case in point, because both Evan and Kayla had mediocre form (and Evan was stiff to boot) but their lifts were lovely. Given that this is Kayla’s second waltz I’m less inclined to be generous towards her mediocre performance in the basic portions of the dance. Evan’s limitations are showing up fast and furious now.

Kayla’s solo: Technically flawless but not very interesting: your standard Contemporary Assortment of Tricks, performed very competently. (What do you expect? She’s nineteen for crissake.)

Evan’s solo: Charming, clever, and well executed; he used his time very well and created not only a story but an appealing persona to win votes.

Jeanette and Ade: hip-hop. Jeanette was very definitely ahead of the beat on this dance, and it really showed towards the end when it looked like she was hitting some unison moves maybe a full quarter-second ahead of Ade. She also didn’t grind into the floor enough to really give it a proper hip-hop feel; it looked and felt cheerleader-ish to me. Ade was good, but not as good as I was expecting. I’m not sure whether that’s on him or on the Napoleon/Tabitha choreo, which I thought was average at best. Still, in a season of terrible hip-hop, this was much better than average.

Jeanette’s solo: At some point the producers will give up on this frankly stupid notion that ballroom dancers should do solos and let them do their “solos” with a partner; make the partner wear all black and a mask or something and the contestant wear sparkly clothes, hell, I don’t know. The point is that there’s really very little ballroomers can do in a one-person solo. Jeanette did about all of it, so what happens next time?

Ade’s solo: Rock solid.

Jeanine and Jason: contemporary. Well, everybody who was wondering if Caitlin was making Jason worse now has confirmation, because this routine was HOLY SHIT levels of amazing. (I am honestly amazed they haven’t let Travis choreograph until now; Benji was choreographing as early as season three.) A brilliant piece of choreo, danced near-perfectly by Jeanine and Jason. Simply a highlight of the season, pure and simple.

Jeanine’s solo: As excellent as always: what sets Jeanine apart from the other girl dancers is that her solos always have a point; they’re not just a series of contempo-tricks, but intended to establish a mood or tone.

Jason’s solo: Really good, abandoning the usual “I am desperate and here are tricks” solo we’ve come to expect from him for, again, a story within the solo.

Randi and Kupono: paso doble. See, one of the things that irked me about Kupono surviving and Philipchbeeb going is that Kupono is arguably more limited than the Chbeeb. He can do one thing well: contemporary where he is a quirky/weird character. If he’s asked to do anything else, Kupono just flops. For someone who’s supposed to be such a great ack-toah, paso should have been right in Kupono’s wheelhouse, but this was one of the great disasters in the show’s history: completely and utterly terrible with no redeeming factors. Oh, yes, Randi was terrible too. Paso should have fire and swagger and drama: this was limp and weak and slooooow and boring. How bad was it? When the judges said it was bad, nobody booed them. That’s how bad it was.

Randi’s solo: Sloppy and bad.

Kupono’s solo: Arguably the only contemporary dancer in the show who, when he gets desperate, does not do tricks, but instead does less.

Melissa and Brandon: Broadway. Tasty Oreo is BACK. This time he is ripping off blatantly imitating inspired by Twyla Tharp. This was merely okay, which given Melissa and Brandon’s various successes so far is kind of a letdown; I want to see more A+ material, not B-grade stuff like this. Melissa really needs to dance something totally unrelated to her training already.

Melissa’s solo: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Brandon’s solo: A whole lot of tricks, but Brandon’s really good at progressing his tricks to at least build momentum, which a lot of dancers don’t do.

Top five guys: African. Again, the “it’s hard for judges to critique a five-man dance well unless everybody really fucks up” rule comes into play as a lot of undeserved compliments were thrown at the guys. For me, there were two clear tiers of performance here. The first tier (Brandon, Jason and Ade) danced very competently but didn’t quite capture the fire and spirit I wanted to see in the genre. The second tier (Evan and Kupono) similarly lacked in fire and spirit but also danced poorly.

Should go home: Randi and Kupono.
Will go home: Randi and Kupono.

Cat has short (or seriously tied-up) hair this week and she looks awesome! Your guest judge is Tasty Oreo, and that is… less awesome, but not as bad as one might think.

Melissa and Ade: disco and waltz. Well, I was kind of waiting for Melissa and Ade to have a bad week, and this was more or less it. Not that you would notice, with the judges verbally jerking off the way that they do and overpraising everything to the moon, but they weren’t nearly at the quality they were previously. The disco started off very rough, and worse it was Doriana “More Lifts! More Lifts!” Sanchez returning to her worst habits, setting up giant lifts and killing whatever flow the routine possessed. Ade was much better than Melissa in this; she was seriously lacking any sense of groove for pretty much the entire first half of the routine. But she’s pretty and she shook her ass and that’s all Nigel cares about, so whatever.

Quality reversed itself in the waltz; here, Melissa was mostly in good form while Ade was incredibly stiff. When the judges talk about how strong a male dancer is at carrying people, that’s code for “I don’t want to say anything bad but there isn’t much else to say.” His footwork was bad, his rise and fall was bad, his lines were only average (and frankly at this point any contemporary dancer should be able to manage decent lines). Still, the two of them should be safe.

Kayla and Kupono: contemporary and Broadway. Boy, they sure do feel the need to challenge these two, don’t they. Anyway, the Mia Michaels piece was predictably good; I can maybe argue with the tone of the dance (I always get this sense that addiction, as a Thing, should somehow be languid and not as frenetic as she was depicting it to be), but the choreo was inventive and exciting and the performance quality was good.

The Broadway was crap. Jesus, how do you fuck up derivative West Side Story choreo? They basically did it in Vegas, for crissake. They keep trying to play up Kupono as the next Mark Kanemura, but Mark could do just about anything well: take Kupono out of his “quirky/weird” contemporary wellhouse and he just starts to stumble really quickly. (He’s also probably the least athletic dancer remaining, with the possible exception of Philip – and Philip has at least a notable skillset to set him off from the rest of the group.) Kayla is better than he is but not really that engaging as a dancer. She’ll almost certainly make top ten; he’s on the bubble.

Caitlin and Jason: foxtrot and lyrical jazz. Caitlin and Jason can talk about how much they’ll miss each other all they want: it is bullshit. Either that, or they both have the worst partnering skills I have ever seen, because watching these two dance tonight was like watching robots dance; they were technically flawless in both routines, and the sheer lack of empathy and performance quality made both routines sterile and lifeless. I think Jason might be able to get better if partnered differently; I don’t think Caitlin would.

Jeanine and Philipchbeeb: kalinka and jive. Well, the I Hate Philipchbeeb brigade over at Television Without Pity is no doubt creaming their jeans that the show spiked these two with that horrible karlinka – one of the worst routines I’ve ever seen on the show, and not particularly the fault of the dancers involved. This routine was so bad that the judges actually took the unprecedented step of blaming the choreographers.

The jive was decent, a very reasonable outing by both parties. There were flaws (and I’m not talking about the trip-up; there were a couple of tricks that didn’t finish too cleanly), but they were easily outmatched by performance quality. Jeanine is obviously a better overall dancer than Philipchbeeb – I think she’s probably the best female dancer on the show – but Philipchbeeb is extremely underrated in the performance category. Jeanine is obviously through to top ten; Philipchbeeb is on the bubble.

Randi and Evan: hip-hop and samba. I love how Nigel tries to point out the fact that Tabitha and Napoleon’s hip-hop isn’t “urban” like that’s some sort of plus. “Tabitha and Napoleon make excellent apple pie! Except they make it with bananas, and it is a cake, rather than a pie. They’re not forcing you to enjoy apples.” This reminded me of the well-known “Bleeding Love” routine from last season, which grabbed me at the time with its novelty but hasn’t aged well because it was, in fact, basically kinda shitty hip-hop. And the reason this reminded me of that routine is because a lot of this routine was a direct lift from it. Horrible, horrible routine, and Randi in particular couldn’t even dance this whitebread hip-hop with beats worth a damn. Evan was only slightly better.

The samba wasn’t as embarrassing, but – look, one of my dance teachers once told me that samba is the most exposing of Latin dances, and when I asked her to clarify she said “well, if you dance it white, you look really, really white.” Randi and Evan looked really, really white dancing this.

Carla and Turk Jeanette and Brandon: Argentine tango and contemporary. HOLY. SHIT. This season’s been pretty lacklustre for contenders for my “best of all time” lists – Max and Kayla’s samba, Philip and Jeanine’s first hip-hop, maybe Brandon and Jeanette’s hip-hop and Kupono/Ashley’s crash test dummy thing, but all at best just piercing the bottom half of the lists. But tonight, Brandon and Jeanette put together two immediate, serious contenders for both. The tango easily stands up with any ballroom performance on this show ever; right now the only question to my mind is if it’s better than Heidi and Benji’s infamous mambo. Their work on that tango was so crisp and sultry it’s mindboggling.

The Wade Robson piece was a Wade Robson piece: brilliant, with a sense of humour, and a story beyond “hey love is tough.” And they were, of course, just perfect in it.

Likely bottom three: Caitlin and Jason, Kayla and Kupono, Jeanine and Philipchbeeb.
Should go home: Caitlin and Kupono.
Will go home: Caitlin and Philipchbeeb.

Your judges tonight are Nigel, a surprisingly sane Mary, and a surprisingly non-bitchy Mia Michaels.

Carla and Turk Jeanette and Brandon: cha-cha. I got home a bit late and missed this, which was annoying for me. But everybody says it was really good and frankly I think it takes a freight train at this point to keep Jeanette and Brandon out of the top 10, so I figure they’re safe.

Kayla and Kupono: contemporary. The judges raved about this – they were in a really good mood all night – but honestly, it left me cold. Technically excellent, to be sure, but I didn’t get any feeling of connection between the two of them and Sonya’s “this is about a vampire and a dying girl” theme didn’t come through for me in the dancing at all. Kayla and Kupono are rapidly becoming two of my least favourite dancers on this show. (Which doesn’t make them bad. But I’m never excited to see them dance.)

Randi and Evan: Broadway. It’s refreshing to see a Broadway piece done by someone other than Tasty Oreo, but this felt awfully lacklustre – again, the judges were overgenerous – and given that Randi and Evan have been probably one of the least challenged couples on this show (a jazz dance, a jazzy contemporary piece, a Broadway, and a jive which was mediocre) it can only come as a disappointment. Which is a shame, because it was clear from the choreo that Joni whatsername had some really great ideas that Randi and Evan just didn’t execute.

Caitlyn and Jason: pop/jazz. Brian Friedman earns my admiration for choreographing pieces that aren’t about Boy And Girl In Love. Nigel earns my scorn for complaining that Caitlyn was overclothed – yeesh, Nigel, ease up on your dirty old man vibe for once, willya? Caitlyn and Jason did well enough here to potentially avoid bottom three – at least technically, I think their connection as a couple still isn’t there – but it was a strong week and they didn’t stand out enough to erase their previous lack of karma, so I think “potentially” isn’t good enough this week to actually manage the avoidance they want.

Jeanine and Philipchbeeb: hip-hop. Someone else somewhere on the internet called Napoleon and Tabitha’s choreo “contemporary with chest pumps,” and this was a good example of how their work can devolve that way; the actual choreo was lacklustre (and the idea of the chain was just stupid, nothing short of active sabotage towards the dancers and distracting to boot) and it relied on Philipchbeeb and Jeanine killing their hits to make it acceptable (and this week she was nearly as good as he was; I suspect he has been training her, and she him). This was fine and should keep them safe.

ASIDE: I am getting really sick of the contempo-snobs on the Television Without Pity forums complaining that it is “time for Philip to go” when he’s been in three good-to-great routines, which at a minimum outpaces Kupono, Vitolio and Jason (none of whom, incidentally, have even half of Philipchbeeb’s charm and performance quality), and when he is the only non-classically-trained male dancer left on the goddamned show (and one of only two left on the entire program). He’s danced out of his wheelhouse twice and had one solid outing and one bad miss, which is about par for most of the dancers on the show (other than Brandon and Jeanette, who have barely danced in their own styles and have been murdering everything in sight). So shut up, TWOP forum people.

Melissa and Ade: pas de deux. Wow, this sure was a good way to completely destroy whatever illusion was left that the routines aren’t pre-selected for dancers. But it was very nice. Ade wasn’t quite as solid as the judges claimed, but he was good enough, and of course Melissa was excellent what with actually being a ballerina and all. (While we are discussing dancers working out-of-style: Melissa and Ade have only left their comfort zone once, for a rumba which, while excellent, was hardly a staggering digression from their classically trained background like salsa or quickstep would have been.)

Karla and Vitolio: quickstep. The judges bent over backwards to pretend that this was great. It was at best okay. Vitolio’s footwork, particularly in some of the promenades, was laboured; Karla’s parts when she wasn’t dancing in hold were overly jazzy; and both dancers just generally lacked that lovely dreamy bounce quality that good quickstep has. The two of them have good chemistry and probably would have made a better pairing right from the start, as opposed to their mostly dead-wood partners; unfortunately I think the new pairing is a case of too little too late.

Probable bottom three: Karla and Vitolio, Jason and Caitlyn, Randi and Evan.
Should go home: Karla and Vitolio.
Will go home: Karla and Jason.

Your guest judge this week is Toni Basil, apparently because the producers felt the need to re-inflict upon us the worst guest judge ever.

Karla and Jonathan: hip-hop. I’m generally a big fan of Dave Scott’s choreography and I think I would have liked this routine if it wasn’t danced for crap: Jonathan was absolutely terrible in this, dancing what is quite possibly the whitest hip-hop on SYTYCD pretty much ever. Karla was much better, but unfortunately I don’t think she lived up to the standard of “oh hi I am a member of a top-flight hip-hop crew incidentally.” Jonathan was so painfully bad in this he made Karla look bad.

Asuka and Vitolio: jazz. Mandy Moore continues her endless quest to choreograph every single song that played at her high school prom with a lifeless, floppy, slow bland number that was just utter dogshit. Worse, it was utter dogshit that wasn’t danced very well by Asuka: her extensions on her leaps were painful to watch. Vitolio was better. That is all I have to say about this piece, which was terrible and worse forgettably terrible.

Melissa and Ade: rumba. Man, Ade was just on form tonight: he partnered Melissa very well indeed, pulling off the oft-difficult rumba combination of being both sensual and damn manly at the same time. Melissa was solid, although her hands were definitely in the crabby-hand mold that can distract sometimes. They bobbled one move (that slow assisted spin into the wrap) a little bit, but other than that this was pretty strong. They should be safe.

Carla and Turk Janette and Brandon: hip-hop. Brandon danced the motherfucking shit out of this. Seriously, Brandon hasn’t danced in his style once yet so far and he’s just nailing everything they give him. Janette was solid as well; not on Brandon’s level, but definitely at least coming up to meet him towards the end. It’s kind of depressing that this is only the second watchable hip-hop routine of the season when we’ve had six of them so far, but if nothing else this was definitely a highlight of the entire season.

Kayla and Kupono: Viennese waltz. Jean-Marc Genereaux excels at creating waltzes where the actual waltzing can be disguised under a layer of lyrical movement, and this was no exception. During the rare moments in the routine where Kayla and Kupono actually had to, you know, waltz, they were exposed for the non-ballroomers they were. But the sweeping lifts and poses that Jean-Marc put in to hide their mediocre waltzing more or less covered their asses. Reminiscent of the Kherington/Twitch waltz from last season, albeit not as good – Twitch was much better at partnering than Kupono is and it showed tonight. Even so, watchable.

Randi and Evan: contemporary. Mia Michaels dialing it down? What is happening to the world? Maybe this is Mia reacting to all the other choreographers doing more complex routines. “If they will do complex then I will do simple! I am MIA MICHAELS dammit!” But yeah, her Randi’s Ass Dance was charming and clever and entertaining and memorable in ways that a lot of her routines last season weren’t, and Evan and Randi danced it very well. Back to basics Mia: me like. (Also, Nigel deciding that the routine was about “an old man and a beautiful girl” is all sorts of friggin’ creepy. Don’t project your pathetic inner fantasy life onto the dancers, Nigel. Or at least don’t tell us that you’re doing that.)

Caitlyn and Jason: paso doble. This was all kinds of bad. Jason’s posture was much weaker than Mary allowed for, and worse yet he wasn’t even forceful. When he opened his mouth for those supposedly dramatic silent screams, he looked like somebody had stepped on his foot. Caitlyn was clumsy and totally lacking character and about as sultry as Betty White in a chador. Mary Murphy felt the need to reference their Bollywood routine again to explain how good they really were. Dear Mary: the Bollywood was only moderately good at best, and also it was two weeks ago. Get the fuck over it already. We do not need Bollywood to become the new Broadway.

Jeanine and Philipchbeeb: Broadway. Oh shit I said “Broadway” and then Tasty Oreo appeared! HE IS LIKE CANDYMAN! But now that I’ve said that I will retract my usual dislike of Tasty Oreo’s Broadway, because this routine was not his usual “How To Rip Off Bob Fosse In Thirty Seconds” junk but actually a pretty decent Gene Kelly homage. I think Philipchbeeb was poorly done by the introduction piece, because that “oh shit” jump (and it was definitely an “oh shit” jump) gets a little less impressive when you take out the surprise value and just make it about whether or not he can do it. Philipchbeeb also danced this far more acceptably than the judges gave him credit for doing; certainly he wasn’t as fluid as the jazzy style demands, but he adapted to this much better than anybody except Brandon and Jeanette did to hip-hop so far. Jeanine was excellent and I have no complaints, other than to point out that she did not look like “Betty Grable” but rather Bettie Page.

Bottom three predictions: Karla and Jonathan, Asuka and Vitolio, Caitlyn and Jason.
Should go home: Caitlyn and Jonathan.
Will go home: Karla and Jonathan.