Thursday WHO’S WHO: The Wanderers (twice!)

It is the glorious return of this… thingy!

Now, I am well-known as a fan of the Legion of Super-Heroes, but keeeeeriiiist there are limits, you know? And the Wanderers go right up to those limits and stomp all over them. The Wanderers are stupid. This is how lame-ass the Wanderers are as a super-hero group: when the Legion first met them, and then were fooled into thinking the Wanderers were bad guys, they decided to have a contest to see who could capture a Wanderer the easiest. When you go through their ranks, this is not shocking.

Celebrand: The guy in blue. The leader, but with no powers at all, making him like, the Captain America of the Wanderers (except not, in so many ways). Nonetheless managed to be the least stupid of the Wanderers, thus showing why he was so valuable to the team. He had a raygun, though!

Ornitho: A guy with wings who could change into any type of bird imaginable. Thus, he had the power to fly and hold a weapon, and then lose the ability to hold a weapon. He was also good for making Chameleon Boy break out into giggling fits along the “what, are you serious?” line of questioning.

Quantum Queen: Had the power to control light. She probably could make it onto a real superteam somewhere if she felt like it, except that Celebrand had those dirty pictures of her back from when she was young and didn’t know the right people in the 30th century superheroing business.

Elvo: Not an elf. Had an energy sword. Kind of like the Persuader, except heroic and lame. Or like the Swordsman, except heroic and lame. Or… well, you get the gist.

Immorto: Mr. Immortal from the Great Lakes Avengers. Well, not officially, but you can see it happening, since his power, like Mr. Immortal, is to not die. He, too, had a raygun, which puts him one up on Mister I Change Into A Bird.

Psyche: An empath capable of affecting emotions, Psyche also probably could have gotten a real job somewhere else, but come on, can you imagine a better boost to your ego than surrounding yourself with these losers and feeling better by comparison? I mean, at least Psyche has powers. Celebrand and Elvo don’t, and Immorto’s is passive to say the least. And then there is

Dartalg: Who has a ridiculous name, a ridiculous outfit (a green skullcap plus a green tea-towel worn over the waist?) and possibly the stupidest superhero gimmick ever: he is a man who, in the far future, uses a fucking blowgun to fight evil. A blowgun. This isn’t just Green Arrow using a bow in the 21st century; this is the far future and this dipshit is using a blowgun and claiming superhero status.

Anyway, the Wanderers sucked. But they sucked in a distinctly Silver Age way, so that can be forgiven, and at least during the Great Darkness Saga they showed up again to help fight against Darkseid. Well, they mostly got their asses kicked there too, but at least they pitched in.

But then, someone at DC wanted a new 30th-century comic, possibly hoping to turn the era into a sub-franchise for DC. (This was back when the Legion had really good sales, you see.) So the Silver Age suck was stripped away, and replaced with distinctly late-80s suck, as the Wanderers were reborn for a new generation! Celebrand was killed off, and the remaining six re-imagined!

Aviax: The former Ornitho was given a ridiculously gay costume, and kept all his (dubious) powers. However, now he had a weakness: he had brittle birdlike bones! This made him edgy. The most notable thing Aviax did during the entire series was fuck a prehistoric bird in order to save its species. No, I am not even remotely kidding. Wanderers #12, people. Check it out. He doesn’t even have to be forced to do it – he comes up with the plan himself.

Dartalon: Dartalg was given actual powers, turning into a human porcupine! And a new name, supposedly combining “dart” and “talon,” but looking like it is pronounced “DART-uh-lon.” He spent most of the (thankfully brief) series whining about how he’s a monster now. (Like anybody was going to fuck him while he was wearing his previous outfit.)

Elvar: Still only with his energy sword, but at least now he looks like a reject from Elfquest, so that’s all right. He was the “bad boy” of the Wanderers. Sort of. Kinda.

Psyche: Same powers, but now she became an emotional vampire, feeding off people’s emotions and making them emotionless, which justified all the bad dialogue. It was Psyche making their language choices stiff and disjointed! Not the writer! (Doug Moench, if you were wondering.) Also, she was kind of crazy.

Quantum Queen: Same powers – better, even – but now with a slutty costume!

Re-Animage: The former Immorto traded up to quite possibly the worst superhero name in comics history. He also got the ability to resurrect people (only immediately after death). This was written as brilliantly as you would expect in a series where the characters thought “Re-Animage” was a good name.

Given this revamp, I feel the need to issue two separate Rex Ratings. Firstly, for the Silver Age Wanderers:

And for the modern:

Because the Silver Agers, while kind of loserish, never had a member who went on a superhero mission to fuck a bird.

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