Kurt Russell is one of those actors who will probably never win an Academy Award, not even one of those special “Lifetime Achievement” awards they hand out when the Academy suddenly looks up and realizes, “Oh, shit! So-and-so has never won an Oscar?” He doesn’t take the right parts to be an Oscar-winning actor. While other actors are playing tortured poets or tortured soldiers or tortured gunslingers, Kurt Russell is always refreshingly angst-free. He’s the kind of guy who is always having fun, whether playing a super-hero or a fugitive or a trucker caught up in a struggle between ancient Chinese sorcerers, and he’s not afraid to let everyone know it.

And that’s what makes him an Unsung Hero. The sense of fun that Kurt Russell brings to every role he plays is infectious. While he’s on screen, you frequently find yourself smiling almost before you realize it; it’s something about his delivery, perhaps, the way that he drawls out each line with just enough of an accent to make you wonder whether he’s parodying John Wayne or whether he really talks like that. Or maybe it’s his body language, the way he seems to have just enough self-knowledge to play the Stallone-esque tough guy while letting the audience know he thinks it’s pretty silly, too. Or maybe it’s just the eyes. Watch Kurt Russell’s eyes when he’s on screen, and you’ll see it. He knows that this is a hell of a fun way to make a living.

Whatever it is, Kurt Russell makes movies fun. There has never been a movie so bad that it hasn’t perked up while Russell is on screen (“3000 Miles to Graceland” comes to mind)…and there have been a lot of cult classics that he’s made even better. “Escape From New York”, “The Thing”, “Big Trouble In Little China”, “Overboard”, “Tombstone”, “Stargate”, “Executive Decision”, “Sky High”, “Death Proof”…none of them art films, all of them what would probably be sniffed at by critics as ‘crowd-pleasers’, but all of them quite successful at pleasing crowds. Why? Because Kurt Russell’s in them. And he’s just damn fun to watch.

So let’s join together as geeks and give a big round of applause for Kurt Russell, an actor who knows that movies should be fun to watch.

THE CRIME TAILOR: Okay, maybe you should explain this to me again.
OVERTHROW: I am a superb jai alai player and I wish to use that skill to become a supervillain.
THE CRIME TAILOR: …I’m not seeing it.
OVERTHROW: Come on, you do this all the time. Javelin is just a guy who didn’t even win an Olympic medal and he said you gave him very good stuff. I want good stuff.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Have you ever won an Olympic medal?
OVERTHROW: That’s entirely besides the point.
THE CRIME TAILOR: So no, then.
OVERTHROW: Jai alai isn’t an Olympic sport. If it was, I would certainly have won many medals.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Fair enough. So how do you want to do crimes using jai alai?
OVERTHROW: Well, I was think maybe the balls could explode? That’s good, right?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Sounds doable. Let me see what I’ve got in storage…

(The CRIME TAILOR goes into the back room. OVERTHROW stands around listening to the lite jazz in the background.)

THE CRIME TAILOR: Okay, so I got good news and I got bad news.
OVERTHROW: You don’t have any exploding jai alai balls?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Well, I was going to have to modify some exploding baseballs anyway to make those, but I forgot that the exploding baseballs all got sold last week.
OVERTHROW: To who?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Someone who blew up.
OVERTHROW: Oh.
THE CRIME TAILOR: You have to be careful with exploding baseballs.
OVERTHROW: I understand that. So no exploding balls. What are my other options?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Well, that’s the clever bit. See, I’ve got this small plasma projector that I haven’t been able to sell.
OVERTHROW: Plasma projector? Like, blood?
THE CRIME TAILOR: No, as in “superheated gas.”
OVERTHROW: That sounds dangerous.
THE CRIME TAILOR: I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to be a supervillain?
OVERTHROW: I didn’t say no. I’m just… waiting to hear how it works.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Well, normally plasma projectors are built into a gun or something, and the gun fires a big blast of superheated plasma.
OVERTHROW: Right. But this one is different?
THE CRIME TAILOR: This one basically makes a sphere of plasma.
OVERTHROW: …and then what?
THE CRIME TAILOR: That’s it.
OVERTHROW: So I would have a sphere of superheated gas in, what, my hand?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Well, I’m thinking I give you a… what do they call that scoop thing you wear in jai alai?
OVERTHROW: A xistera.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Right. We make one of those out of superdense metal. I’m thinking cargonite – durable, nearly unbreakable…
OVERTHROW: How heavy is it?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Fairly.
OVERTHROW: Would I still be able to do my jai alai tricks?
THE CRIME TAILOR: I’m sure. You might have to work out a bit, though.
OVERTHROW: I can handle that.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Okay, so now that we’ve got that worked out, how about your costume?
OVERTHROW: I think I will keep it simple. Jai alai uniform and a mask.
THE CRIME TAILOR: …not very supervillain-y, is it?
OVERTHROW: …well, what if we make it green?
THE CRIME TAILOR: All green, or do you want some highlights?
OVERTHROW: Maybe we could make the mask a different colour? Purple? I like purple.
THE CRIME TAILOR: …ehhh…
OVERTHROW: Is that in poor taste? Do they clash?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Not in supervillain fashion, no, but…
OVERTHROW: What?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Well, green and purple is kind of the Joker’s signature look.
OVERTHROW: Is that a problem?
THE CRIME TAILOR: Not for him it isn’t, if you get my drift.
OVERTHROW: …I think I’m fine with it.
THE CRIME TAILOR: It’s your funeral.
OVERTHROW: Or his!
THE CRIME TAILOR: Confidence is nice. Do you want the usual extras? Micro-kevlar padding, burn/tear resistant fabric…?
OVERTHROW: Yes. Also I would like some rocket boots.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Oh, hell. Look, kid, I’d be slacking on my duties as a tailor to super-criminals if I didn’t tell you that rocket boots are almost never a good idea.
OVERTHROW: I have heard the stories, but I think I would like them just in case.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Everybody says that, but do you know the number one cause of supervillain fatalities? It’s not the Suicide Squad. It’s rocket boots running out of fuel when you’re three stories up because you decided that having rocket boots meant you could fight Hawkman on his own turf.
OVERTHROW: But I will not be fighting Hawkman, I do not think.
THE CRIME TAILOR: Who are you planning to fight?
OVERTHROW: Blue Beetle?
THE CRIME TAILOR: …in that case might I recommend the Ski-Hi Mark 12s? Definitely the best rocket boot on the market right now, with a ten minute non-flammable combination fuel supply.
OVERTHROW: Are they worth it?
THE CRIME TAILOR: When it comes to rocket boots, I think you want to spend the extra money and not get some terrible surplus gear.

Because YOU demanded it!

Just like YOU demanded the Clone Saga!

Are here.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

I’ve already seen it and was mightily impressed, but I figure people might want to discuss it. So have at it in the comments, y’all.

We can all agree that the movie version of “The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” failed, right? I mean, it was terrible. It wasted the talents of some very good actors like Martin Freeman and Sam Rockwell (I am literally traumatized to the point where I can’t watch “Moon”, because I can’t believe that the man who gave that performance as Zaphod Beeblebrox is actually capable of acting) and spent a lot of its time cutting away brilliant dialogue and clever narration to focus on action sequences and set-pieces that should never be the focus of a comedy to begin with. It made back its money, it didn’t get totally shredded by the critics, but I think it’s safe to say that history has not been kind to it.

And we can all agree that while it was better-acted and better-scripted, the original TV adaptation of “Hitch-Hiker’s” had some serious problems with its production values, right? I mean, trying to do a story on the scope of Douglas Adams’ novels, one that starts with the destruction of the entire planet and moves on to the building of a whole new one, taking in two-headed aliens and vast varieties of epic visuals along the way, on a BBC budget in the 80s…let’s just call it over-ambitious and leave it at that.

But there is a version of “Hitch-Hiker’s” that’s already very well-acted and perfectly-scripted. It’s the original audio play that aired on BBC Radio, the one that Adams adapted into his novel. And there is a medium where budget doesn’t matter and anything that the mind can conceive, the screen can portray. It’s animation. And with the advances in computer animation, it’s easier than ever for the average computer user to make professional-quality animation.

So this is what this leads me to: What if you took the BBC Radio play as the soundtrack for an animated adaptation? Sure, it’d be a copyright violation, and doing the whole thing would probably be out of the financial reach of most hobbyist animators…but if you broke it up into five minute chunks, say, and had each person just animate their five minutes, you’d wind up with a fascinating range of visual styles and a potentially high-quality adaptation of what has famously been seen as one of the great unadaptable sci-fi stories. And as long as nobody made money off it and nobody sued, who’d complain?

Call me crazy, but I actually think this is a good idea.

Since I have graduated from law school and am now working at Wise Law Office, it’s incumbent upon me to mention that Ontario-area readers in need of legal counsel – particularly those in the southern half of Ontario – should consider us, as we are A) quite good and B) quite reasonably priced, and make an effort to keep costs down for our clients.

We don’t take on criminal or immigration matters at present, and specialize in family and employment law issues, but we’ll take most civil matters under consideration. (I am personally hoping for some intellectual property law actions to show up sooner or later.)

So my annual “pay money to keep site alive” time has passed, and I am significantly poorer because the type of hosting you need to keep a site up and running when you get Farked or similar (which happens every so often here) is pricier than average. I’m happy to pay it, because blogging is What I Does and I’d pay it even if you weren’t all here making the experience thoroughly more enjoyable.

However, as I am relatively poor (yes, I’m working now, but not for a glorious salary, and also there is the enormous law school debt I’m very, very slowly paying down), I’m more than willing to ask that people, if they are inclined/able, chip in by using the donation button at right.

In the meantime, requests for post topics in comments, because it’s been a while since I’ve asked.

A while back, Pajiba ran an article suggesting that, contrary to popular belief, Americans preferred to see relatively good movies rather than mindlessly spending their money on total crap.

I thought the idea of the analysis was interesting but the execution flawed; after all, Box Office Mojo’s “critical grades” bias themselves heavily towards the Bs by the system with which they weight user grades, so that The Departed, Wall-E and Slumdog Millionaire are all B+ movies and therefore only very slightly critically better than The Transformers, Fast and Furious and National Treasure: Book of Secrets.

So instead, I spent a few weeks when I had time collating the same sort of data, weighing movies’ box-office performance against their Rotten Tomatoes rating, on the basis that RT ratings would be more critically accurate than BOM ratings. And… well, see below.

(I really hope this doesn’t crash the server too badly.)

Because, really, counting bullets? That is not even a thing for Rex.

Granted, the gun was an automatic rather than a revolver and Rex could tell that the gun was empty due to subtle shifts in how the man held it, thus coming to understand that the gun was lighter because it no longer had any bullets in the clip, but even so – this is merely an afternoon’s work for Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.