Since people were wishing for the return of Improved Archie, here it is, in very very basic form:
Have at it in comments.
Also, I’m looking for artists for a couple of projects – you know the email if you’re interested in working with me.
There’s a Tea Party joke in there somewhere. Damned if I can find it, though.
“Our fetish video was ready to go, but the wranglers are striking for higher wages!”
“King Kong ate the last three testicle massagers, so we’re trying a different approach.”
“What do you mean you don’t know whose hairy nuts those are under the table?!”
Let me spell it out for you Archie: without the costumes, it’s murder. With them it’s a tragic hunting accident! My lawyer has it all worked out for us.
“Well, if I’d told you they were really women, you wouldn’t have been interested!”
They’re suspicious because they only announced that gay character last week and here you are practising with bananas.
“Hey, hey, they’re the Monkees
And people say they monkey around.
But they’re too busy singing
To put anybody down.”
Damn furries aren’t supposed to be at this convention!
“But what would be the point of monkey costumes WITHOUT the asses cut out?”
If you need crude stick drawings possibly drawed with feets, I am your woman. If you need actual well-made drawings, well, you got crap taste in illustration, I guess.
“You think ape-suited lesbians are kinky?! Hell,look behind you- Jughead’s fucking bananas , and they aren’t even RIPE!”
Archie, You do know that “a piece of tail” is just an expression, right? Archie? Archie?
You asked for the Gangbang Archikins, these are the only terms I will allow it to happen!
…and to obviate the requirements of a full blown human trial we had the test subjects dressed as monkeys throughout, and during the trial’s penultimate phase we laced their coconut milk with human urine so that in the final stage when we fed them bananas injected with… oh ffs archie.”
“So that’s five votes for ‘Planet of the Gapes’ and three for ‘Monkey Semen, Monkey Do It.'”
“Jugo de Coco” means juice from COCONUTS … you weren’t supposed to milk THEM!
I’m telling you Archie, it wasn’t sexy when Uma Thurman did it in “Batman and Robin”, and it’s not going to be sexy now!
It’s 2010, for goodness sake. Who even remembers Ernie Kovacs anymore?!?
“I’m telling you, if we don’t find a new place to hide those three political Iranian prisoners in my Dad’s basement, I’ll go nuts!”
Alternatively: “We had to balance out the testosterone levels around here somehow. Look, Jughead’s started to have that Anna-Nicole-Smith-Wearing-Only-Bananas Fantasy for the SEVENTH time.”
“Honestly, Archie. Sometimes a banana is just a banana.”
“It’s Mighty Joe Young meets La Dolce Vita.
“The symbolism of the monkey suits is simple. I’m paying for the movie.
“And I hate those bitches.”
“I am sure am glad the whole cast left with me when they tried to add that faggot to my book.
“But the best job we can find is Gilligan’s Island?”
“We have bowls of cocaine with refills from an actual vat of coke just lying around the place and you’re eating a banana? And I thought my peyote turning those apes pretty was weird.”
Apes, monkeys, whichever.
…and we’ll call the act “THE ARISTOCRATS!”
“Look I know Jughead is your best friend, and his coconut milk punch is nice, but you know how the other teaparty protesters feel about homosexuals!”
H/T to Sage Freehaven
“NOW will you admit that this intervention to help Jughead with his eating disorder has gotten out of hand?”
Josie and The Pussycats are in an experimental phase right now.
“I said ‘a petit!'”
“Tonight, your name is Chrissy. You are to respond only to Chrissy.”
“Now Archie, they’ll be squatting over the glass table and you’ll be laying under it. Just do what comes natural.”
“That’s how AIDS got started, Archie!”
I concur with Greg. Brad wins.
Let’s see if it works here, too!
“Christ, what an asshole.”
“Suddenly they DON’T want to be in the welcoming party for the first furry character in Riverdale! How intolerant!”
“Gee Todd, getting Bristol and the girls to dress as Obamonkeys for the Jungle Party sure was a stroke a genius, you betcha.”
‘These will be Lodgetopia’s first line of defense against all who would invade her primeval splendor. I call them…MONKEY BITCHES.’
“Fur suits and a bucket of smack, Mr. Andrews. That was the deal.”
Wait if you guys at all the bananas then what did they squeeze to get that bowl of that creamy banana juice?
“I think I see anus!”
“Josie won’t do the music-video if we go with your idea of combining evolution and bukkake.”
“Admit it, Archie. Haircut 100’s ‘Love Plus One’ video just *shouldn’t* be remade. Now where the hell’s Chuck?”
“Y’know, if Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett get a wind of this, they’re gonna be *pissed*.”
“Look, I know we all like to joke around here on set at ‘Gorillas In My Bits’ . . . but trying to feed all the lesbians ‘Hot Bowls’ of your ‘Jugo De Coco?’ Guys, grow up! Seriously. It’s called ‘PROFESSIONALISM’, Archie.”
“What exactly don’t you ‘get’? The jungle foliage and pure yellow sky suddenly turning into an empty storefront window? Consumer women revealed as mindless apes? It’s all A BLATANTLY OBVIOUS metaphor for THE CORRUPTION OF CAPITALISM! Even a child could- oh, forget it. Just go get me another latte. PHILISTINES! ALL OF YOU!”
“Yeah, they better keep their hands off you, those damn dirty apes!”
“…And according to the FCC, our stab at ethnic diversity somehow went horribly wrong.”
“With their hair coordination, I tried to tell them PowerPuff Girls would be a better fit.”
9freak9, that line would have workedbetter with simply “Murdoc Niccals”.
Odd King gets my vote, and here are my entries:
“I liked it better when contestants were voted off the island.”
“… and when rumors of ‘gorilla ghosts’ drive down property values Daddy will buy the Wilkins place for peanuts. It’s as simple as it is foolproof.”
“Reggie dear, give them a five minute head start.
It’s like mother always said Archie-kins, Never rub another woman’s rhubarb!”
The costume store mixed up the order, but I think Jughead has a few spare ball gags in his trunk.
Archiekins, either we get married in a traditional Space Islam ceremony or not at all!
“See no monkey, hear no monkey, fuck no monkey, Archie. You’re with me, now.”
three girls, one banana.
Well, daddy said he got rich by having porch monkeys do all his labor and… What, those in the corner? Dilton’s massive, hairy balls.
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