FLAPJACKS: Why are you watching Wheel of Fortune? This show sucks.
ME: I’m killing time in between games. It’s on the CBC for some reason. I don’t want to get up and change channels. I’ve got a laptop here, why do I need to get up and change channels?
FLAPJACKS: I mean, look at this guy spinning the wheel. You can tell this is the absolute peak of his life. In fifty years he will tell everybody about the time he went to Vegas and fucked a hooker, and the time he was on Wheel of Fortune.
ME: Three words. It’s an event.
FLAPJACKS: He’s got the S, and the C, and the L – “children’s music class?” That counts as an event?
ME: It does on this show.
FLAPJACKS: …he just bought all the vowels.
FLAPJACKS: In a row.
FLAPJACKS: NO YOU STUPID DUMBASS WHY WOULD YOU ASK FOR A “T”?
ME: Well, it is the most common –
FLAPJACKS: No no no don’t do that. “Music class” was already entirely solved. All he needed to do was figure out what began with “C” and ended with “N” before the apostrophe. Somehow this dipshit must have figured there was a T in there. “Chumpstain’s music class.”
ME: “Cranston’s music class.”
FLAPJACKS: “Chaplain’s music class.”
ME: That one doesn’t have a T in it.
FLAPJACKS: Neither does “children” and yet somehow he asked for a T. I’m pretty sure this guy is the stupidest person ever. They probably edited out the part where for his very first letter he asked for “Q” and Pat Sajak took a few minutes to explain that maybe he would like to pick a different letter.
ME: And now that there is no T, of course, Shwanda gets a spin.
FLAPJACKS: This show is so white trash. They get two midwestern white people who are so white they white white the white, and the black person? Is named “Shwanda.” That is like the ultimate White Person Imagines A Black Person’s Name For Laffs name.
ME: Yes, but Shwanda isn’t that imaginary black person. She’s apparently a working professional academic.
FLAPJACKS: I bet she actually applied for Jeopardy! and then the Wheel of Fortune people were all “crap, we need some black contestants, we’re short this month” and they went over to the Jeopardy! applications and saw “Shwanda” in the pile and thought they had struck gold. And then she shows up and they are all “…oh, well.”
ME: Shwanda just spun a “lose a turn” spin.
FLAPJACKS: That’s another reason this show sucks. Sometimes you just get fucked and it’s not your fault in any possible way. This show is entirely about dumb luck.
ME: As if to prove your point, the stereotypical midwestern mom just spun the eeny-weeny million dollar prize spin.
FLAPJACKS: That means she gets a million dollars?
ME: I think she has to solve the puzzle, first.
FLAPJACKS: Well, she’s successfully figured out “children’s music class.” Given that there were two letters left, not hard.
ME: And now she gets to start the next puzzle. I guess she has to win the show to win the million dollars.
FLAPJACKS: “Around the house” is the category. I have no idea yet.
ME: Something something “beach towels,” judging by housewife’s first four letters.
FLAPJACKS: When does Shwanda get another turn?
ME: Not until the housewife misses a letter or spins badly.
FLAPJACKS: This is bullshit. I demand justice for Shwanda.
ME: Yeah, well, it’s pretty obvious that the housewife has figured out that it is “fluffy plush beach towels,” given that she just named F when she got $3500 per letter.
FLAPJACKS: And now she’s buying vowels again. Why is she buying fucking vowels? She already knows the answer. She is literally just giving the money she has already won back to the show. “No, no, you and Vanna do such hard work, Pat. You should keep some of it.”
ME: Ben Stein wouldn’t let anybody give him back the money. That’s because Ben Stein is ballin’ and Pat and Vanna are still pretending it’s the Eighties.
FLAPJACKS: Vanna doesn’t even turn letters any more. She just walks in front of the screens where the letters are and kind of waves at them. I feel sad for her in a way. She was never exactly useful, but now she’s even less useful because she’s not even eye candy any more.
ME: Come now. It’s a lot of hard work to play straight man to Pat Sajak for the thirty seconds a day where she has to talk to him. I’m pretty sure I would stab him in the eye after about ten seconds of his patter. You can see that Vanna’s suppressing the urge to kill whenever they’re close together. She can do it because she has experience.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, so the housewife wins the show. Does she get the million dollars now?
ME: …it looks like she has to solve a final puzzle.
FLAPJACKS: And then she gets the million dollars?
ME: No, apparently the million dollars gets put in a second wheel and she spins that wheel and gets that prize if she solves the final puzzle.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, this is even bullshittier. Seriously, what is the point of the million dollar prize? “You have a tiny chance to win an equally tiny chance to win this prize, but only if you solve a puzzle first!” Has anybody ever won the million dollar prize?
ME: Wikipedia says yes.
FLAPJACKS: I bet they killed that person afterwards just so they could continue to make this show. This is a show where they used to charge $400 for a fucking blender. Wheel of Fortune is the cheapest, most skinflint show ever. I bet whenever the Jeopardy! people run into the Wheel of Fortune people on the lot, they look down their noses at them.
ME: As is right and proper. The Jeopardy! people haven’t forgiven them for stealing away Shwanda.