FLAPJACKS: So your problem is that nobody likes you and everybody hates you? Is that more or less the problem? It sounds like the problem.
MITT ROMNEY: Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say –
FLAPJACKS: Right, so nobody likes you and everybody hates you. That’s not a problem. We can work with this. So… hm. There’s this tax return thing. You don’t want to release them.
MITT ROMNEY: You see, I don’t –
FLAPJACKS: Shut up. Doesn’t matter. We’re not going to release the tax returns. What we’re going to do is campaign against the right person.
MITT ROMNEY: Isn’t the President the right person?
FLAPJACKS: No, people like him. Except for the people who don’t, and they are already holding their noses and voting for you because of the aforementioned “everybody hates you” problem. What we need to do is flip the dynamic inverseways. That is a trademarked phrase, by the way. I trademarked that.
MITT ROMNEY: That seems like something you shouldn’t be able to trademark.
FLAPJACKS: You’re just saying that because you’re a billionaire finance guy. See? This is why everybody hates you. But it is fixable. What we are going to do is campaign against somebody else.
MITT ROMNEY: But nobody else is running for President. Nobody serious, anyway.
FLAPJACKS: So what? Look, the next time someone says “Mr. Romney, when are you going to release your tax returns,” you say “well, when is Tom Cruise going to release the terms of his divorce settlement to Katie Holmes? What is Tom Cruise hiding?” This will work because people may be entertained by Tom Cruise, but they don’t exactly like Tom Cruise. You will put Tom Cruise on the defensive this way.
MITT ROMNEY: But Tom Cruise isn’t –
FLAPJACKS: GAH. How hard is this to understand? You will not get people to like you better than Obama. It’s not going to happen. But if you flip the dynamic inverseways tee-em, then you might be able to get people to like you better than Tom Cruise. The choice between you and Tom Cruise is a campaign that maybe you can win. Meanwhile, the President is sitting over on the other side saying “but wait, Tom Cruise is a meaningless distraction” and nobody pays attention because they’re all, like, distracted and stuff.
MITT ROMNEY: But what if I can’t beat Tom Cruise?
FLAPJACKS: Then we go after someone else. Mel Gibson, maybe.
MITT ROMNEY: Actually, Mel donated –
FLAPJACKS: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. God, you can ruin anything, can’t you? When are you going to start listening to me? We need to work on this. Okay, so if not Mel Gibson, maybe a Kardashian. I don’t want to start out with a Kardashian because that’s sort of like if Mike Tyson fought Ernest Borgnine, but a win is a win.
MITT ROMNEY: So I’m like Mike Tyson, then?
FLAPJACKS: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Mr. Candidate. Okay, so we’ve got you beating Tom Cruise. That wins you everybody who hates and/or envies Hollywood, plus everybody who is freaked out about Scientology. So, win. But we need more. We need the votes of the people who love Hollywood. And to do that, we must get Hollywood to love you. Or at least tolerate you, sorta.
MITT ROMNEY: And how do we do that?
FLAPJACKS: We have you apologize for your Diet Coke addiction.
MITT ROMNEY: But I’m not addicted to Diet Coke. I’m a Mormon. We don’t drink caffeinated drinks.
FLAPJACKS: Start. Diet Coke is, like, delicious acid. So it’ll be easy. But even better than that, it will humanize you. People think you are a soulless robot.
MITT ROMNEY: I know.
FLAPJACKS: They look for the wires in your back.
MITT ROMNEY: Uh huh.
FLAPJACKS: They ask you how many diodes are in your tongue.
MITT ROMNEY: I get it.
FLAPJACKS: They ask you “what is love” in an attempt to make you explode.
MITT ROMNEY: Can we drop this?
FLAPJACKS: Okay. Soulless robots don’t get addicted to things. So we get you addicted to Diet Coke. First off, it will make you seem sympathetic. People will overlook the fact that you are a rich tycoon who ruthlessly exploited the American financial system in order for your own benefit, because you’re just like them.
MITT ROMNEY: I don’t see it.
FLAPJACKS: Christ, George W. Bush figured this out. Why do you think he became an alcoholic? Whose idea was that?
MITT ROMNEY: Wait, that was you?
FLAPJACKS: Well, no, I was six. But retroactively I am claiming it, and you know I can do that.
MITT ROMNEY: …right.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway, the point is this: Hollywood fucking loves Diet Coke. My god, do they love Diet Coke. They would have it coming out of taps if they could manage it. I understand many of the rich ones do have it coming out of taps. So when you admit, tearfully, that you are not a perfect Mormon and you have a Diet Coke addiction, Hollywood will like you better. Not as much as Obama, who is a smoker trying to quit, because that is golden right there. But they will at least understand your cold, robotic soul.
MITT ROMNEY: And that helps me win?
FLAPJACKS: Maybe. Depends on how the Tom Cruise thing goes. We need to get America to open their hearts to you.
MITT ROMNEY: So I can win their votes.
FLAPJACKS: Well, I was going to say “so you can rip them out like that guy in Temple of Doom,” but then again he didn’t need anybody to open their hearts because he used magic. Do you have any magic?
MITT ROMNEY: No.