Sorry I’m now officially a week behind on the Amazing Race with no Batfleck to make up for it; it’s been crazy busy this week, but hopefully I’ll be able to catch up for the finale. But that means that “last time” is actually two times ago, when we were all in Amsterdam together and Phil reminded us that Hayley and Blair still hate each other oh so very, very much, and that this was a non-elimination leg. Which means that this is an elimination leg…
The teams all get up and depart for the Peru, with Laura and Tyler getting a head start on their way to the travel agency. They then promptly blow this head start by not checking for earlier flights, taking the flight the clue advises them to take without reading the bit about, “Hey, you can look for something that leaves earlier if you want!” They then go off to get drunk and talk shit about the other teams. I would have more tolerance for this if they weren’t the least likable team remaining right now.
Blair and Hayley get an earlier flight, as do Jelani and Jenny. Laura and Tyler continue the Amazing Pub Crawl, and get to the airport more Blind Drunk than Blind Date. They luck out, though, as the two remaining teams (Mike and Rochelle, Matt and Ashley) get stuck on the same flight as them. This gives Prescription for Misogyny and the lawyers a huge head start, much of which is eaten up by an Hours of Operation bunch (for which they are compensated with a neat fireworks show). Despite that, they’re still out in front as they go out to find a shoeshine stand to get their next clue.
The shoeshine stand appears to be extraordinarily difficult to find, as both teams have trouble navigating (although Blair’s ability to speak Spanish at least gives him the ability to ask questions without having to settle for the traditional “speak loudly and slowly” method of interrogating the natives). Jelani and Jenny find the clue first and head out for a drive. Blair and Hayley, on the other hand, stand next to a taxi while Blair questions the driver in Spanish and Hayley not unreasonably asks to know what the hell is going on. They reach the clue box in a state of high dudgeon, but get their clue in second.
The second flight lands, and Mike and Rochelle get their clue in third. Meanwhile, Jelani and Jenny get to the Roadblock, which is chopping sugar cane with a machete. Jenny volunteers for chopping duties, and finds that back-breaking manual labor can, indeed, be quite difficult.
Laura and Tyler find a pair of llamas with typewriters, and naturally assume that this is part of the Race because what the hell else could a pair of llamas with typewriters in the middle of a village square be? Unfortunately for them, while it is indeed part of the Race, it is not the part they’re supposed to find. They run right past the shoeshine stand and hop in a taxi in the mistaken belief that the next clue is anywhere but here. Unfortunately, their ineptitude convinces Matt and Ashley to come along for the ride to Stupid.
Even more unfortunately, right after a commercial break, Laura mentions to Tyler that she walked right past the next clue but didn’t think it was important. Meaning that we were not treated to the spectacle of the two of them driving endlessly around in circles until they got field-Philiminated. Matt and Ashley realize the same thing at the same time and go back for their clue.
Hayley volunteers to take the Roadblock, despite the very real dangers inherent in her standing right next to Blair with a machete when he next lapses into Smug Mode. (Something that Blair himself comments on, although of course it is in the form of “Da Wimmen Be Crazy!” rather than recognizing his contribution to the problem. She begins chopping, a significant distance behind Jenny. Meanwhile, Laura and Tyler get their clue and Matt and Ashley finally find out what the llamas with typewriters are for. Turns out the Speed Bump is typing up a job application for a llama on a manual typewriter. Whatever drugs the production team smuggled back from Amsterdam, I want some.
Jenny finishes her cane chopping, with Hayley not far behind. She notes her FitBit steps (“FitBit! With an app for your Ford Focus!”) and they head off to deliver the chopped cane, with Blair and Hayley in hot pursuit. Mike and Rochelle get to the cane not long after they leave, as do Laura and Tyler, and Mike and Tyler take up the chopping duties for their respective teams. Tyler, of course, turns this into a dick-measuring competition, because hyper-macho competitiveness goes with the rest of his unpleasant character traits like peaches and cream. Only ickier.
Everyone now has to do a math problem related to their FitBit steps (“FitBit! Works great with the Travelocity app!”) and then chug a glass of sugar-cane juice before they can proceed. Since Jeff and Jackie are long gone, this proves to be no difficulty for anyone. (Well, at the very least, we aren’t shown anyone getting it wrong.) Matt and Ashley get to the cane chopping challenge (with Matt chopping) just as everyone else leaves for their sugar-cane cocktail. It’s at about this point that we begin to realize that Matt and Ashley need a small miracle to make up the time they lost, and also about this time that we begin to realize that the editors have had a real hard time making these legs feel competitive because one team is always stupidly far behind.
The teams that aren’t stuck chopping cane are off to see the Mamas and the Papas, live in concert…no, wait, sorry. They’re off to do the two Detours, the Mamas or the Papas. The Mamas involve shopping for ingredients to make a traditional Peruvian drink (made by “mama”), while the Papas involve sorting and hauling potatoes. You sort, you haul, you put into the potato vendor’s bins at the market, and then…I’d say “I don’t want to spoil”, but they showed this clip twice. If you don’t get it right, the bins open up and all the potatoes spill onto the street and you have to try again.
Blair and Hayley take the Mamas, which seems like the easier option (especially since Blair speaks Spanish and can just ask for ingredients and directions). Jelani and Jenny go with the Papas, and find out that potatoes are heavy suckers. And also that it’s really hard to tell potatoes apart. They unleash the Potatopocalypse, and must begin sorting anew.
Hayley and Blair drop off their ingredients, drink their drink, and are on their way to the Pit Stop. They come in first easily, and are given a brand new FitBit promotional opportunity! They’re also quizzed about their relationship status by a clearly bemused Phil, and they go on to explain that they hate each other in a totally respectful and loving way. They’re BFFs, where BFF stands for something like “Brutal Fighting Frenemies” or something.
Tyler and Laura go for the Mamas, but wind up being taken to the Papas instead. They decide to proceed with what they’ve got. Jelani and Jenny finish their sorting up without triggering another dreaded Potato Storm, and get to the Pit Stop with no major issues apart from Phil being deeply disappointed in their lack of romantic chemistry.
Mike and Rochelle start on the Mamas around the same time (well, apparently) that Matt and Ashley finish their glass of cane juice. They try to go to the Mamas, but get taken to Papas as well. Which sucks, because clearly they could have banged out Mamas in far less time and possibly gained some serious ground on Laura and Tyler, but nobody told them they had to stick with Papas once they found it. They instead decide to sort.
Laura and Tyler decide to spit on their potatoes to make them easier to tell apart. In retaliation, the potato vendor shouts, “LET IT RAIN, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and showers them with spuds. (Okay, this may involve poetic liberties, but we can wish, right?) Matt and Ashley sort their spuds quickly and head to the market.
Mike and Rochelle check into the mat in third. Laura and Tyler finish their detour and get lost, but it’s no good–Matt and Ashley’s dreams are crushed under an avalanche of root vegetables as they mix up their tubers. Laura and Tyler check into the mat in fourth and continue their insufferability as they babble about wanting to keep things exciting by letting other teams win sometimes. And in a reminder that we do not live in a just universe, the sweet and loving couple who got engaged on the Race come in fifth and are eliminated.
Next time, there’s dancing, surfing, and bricklaying as the penultimate leg gets underway!