FLAPJACKS: Are you done with all your Dr. Strange crap yet?
ME: Yes. Why?
FLAPJACKS: Are you sure? I don’t want to have to hear about that giant space magic dragonfly thing again.
ME: I’m sure. What do you want?
FLAPJACKS: I want to use your computer to look at the new G.I. Joe trailer.
ME: What’s wrong with your computer?
FLAPJACKS: My internet connection was stolen by wolves.
ME: I think, for style points, you should have claimed that it was “eaten by dingoes.”
FLAPJACKS: Don’t be silly. Dingoes can’t eat the internet. But wolves, wolves can do many things with an internet connection.
ME: Like?
FLAPJACKS: Surf eBay for sheep. Learn about the latest henhouse-robbing techniques. Talk to each other about how foxes are just bitch-asses. That sort of thing. Now lemme watch the trailer already.
ME: Well.
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: That was retarded.
FLAPJACKS: Come on now! It had super-suits! Don’t you remember the super-suits in the old cartoon?
ME: I think you’re wishing that that had happened.
FLAPJACKS: I’m not wrong to do so.
ME: Yes, you are. That trailer made the old cartoon look downright realistic. And the cartoon had, among other things: a talking parrot, approximately forty billion laser beams color-coded by side, a tribe of shapechangers, an alien race living beneath the earth, an army of robots that would make Cylons jealous, a vampire youth machine, Atlanteans, a giant blob which the Joes killed by throwing apples at it, a trip to a parallel universe where some of the team found their own bodies, sea serpents, Cobra trying to steal Alaska because of some technicality regarding a seal, giant energy-sucking cubes of dark matter, a bio-dome in the Antarctic, a device that vaporized all of the world’s money, ghost warriors, a magic conch shell that hypnotized men but not women, time-traveling to ancient Greece, the Baroness disguising herself as a chunky fat guy not once but four separate times, Destro attempting to take over the world with giant vegetables, Cobra shrinking its entire army to miniscule size and hiding in toys given away to needy children, the Egyptian god Set, Cobra setting up its own television channel and trying to take over the world with propaganda, dinosaur stampedes, an evil clone of the talking parrot, subliminal messages in rock songs, a crime telethon, and Sgt. Slaughter.
FLAPJACKS: I bet Sarah Palin saw that episode of G.I. Joe with the Alaska thing like, ten thousand times when she was a kid.
ME: You are not addressing my point, which is that the super-suits are more stupid than all of those other things combined. Also, Snake-Eyes has lips. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?
FLAPJACKS: The same costume designer who gave Batman nipples, obviously. He’s working up to his apex, which is form-fitting latex pants which clearly display a man’s junk in all three dimensions.
ME: And this is a good thing, is it?
FLAPJACKS: I don’t judge. You should be more like me. You’re too judgey.
ME: You notice that Joseph Gordon-Levitt isn’t in any of these commercials? I mean, the guy is supposed to be Cobra Commander. Why is Destro being made out to be the big bad guy?
FLAPJACKS: I will bet you twenty dollars that this is all prequel, and Joseph whatsisname is actually just a Cobra grunt who rises to become Cobra Commander when Destro fucks everything up. Also I bet you by the end of the movie Destro is horribly disfigured and has to wear a mask. You know how I know this? Because this was co-written by the guy who wrote Swordfish. You have to have faith in a man like that!
ME: I don’t remember that one.
FLAPJACKS: Hugh Jackman as a computer hacker.
ME: What, seriously? Have they ever seen a computer hacker?
FLAPJACKS: No, and that is what made the movie totally great. It was all like “hey man what do you think hackers are like in real life?” and then the other guy was all “I bet they are awesome studly dudes” and then he was all “and I bet elite special forces terrorists would totally blow up people and the explosion would be like KERFOWWWWW.” It was a movie written by a shut-in who wished he was James Bond, which is why Hacker Hugh Jackman has to hack something while getting a blowjob.
ME: Because that happens all the time to hackers.
FLAPJACKS: It would if I were a hacker. I would make that sort of occurrence more statistically probable all by myself.
ME: You came over to my apartment to watch a trailer on the internet and you expect me to believe that?
FLAPJACKS: ANYWAY, my point is that Swordfish is a movie totally divorced from reality. And that is why G.I. Joe is going to be great. It’s not going to make any sense whatsoever. And people will be all “maybe this is a satire, like Starship Troopers,” and they will desperately try to make it make sense, but it won’t because it has Marlon Wayans in it, AKA “the least talented Wayans.”
ME: Ahem. Kim Wayans.
FLAPJACKS: Fair point, although I would point out that Shawn Wayans sucked both as a comedian and a pretend DJ.
ME: Hey, whatever happened to T’keyah “Crystal” Keymah, anyway? She was cute.
FLAPJACKS: Wikipedia says she was eaten by dingoes.
ME: Huh.
FLAPJACKS: Just goes to show you.
Top comment: Damnit, I thought it said super-sluts. And then I was very disappointed by the paucity of super-sluts. — dev
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I’m feeling grateful that Lady Jaye *isn’t* going to be prominently featured in this upcoming debacle.
I forgot the episode about Cobra setting up their own television network. But now we know where Murdoch got the motivation for Fox Not-News.
And don’t mock the evil parrot clone episode, if it’s that Synthoid two-parter where Shipwreck thinks it’s 20 years in the future and all the Joes retired and he’s got a secret formula in his head that gets unlocked with the passcode “Frogs in winter”. That episode was awesome.
Hey! No dissing the Sarge!
I’m all for reimaginings, but ideally, they should be improvements. This feels like if the modern BSG had been the original and was reimagined as Lorne Greene, recycled SFX and robotic doggies. Or if The Shield was reimagined as CHiPs.
I would like to point out that GI Joe: Resolute was forty flavors of kick-ass awesome.
I just saw GI Joe Resolute last night. the difference in quality is staggering.
If you actually had that much Joe trivia on the tip of your tongue, MGK, I feel reeeally sorry for you….
Actually, this feels like exactly what G.I. Joe should be. A big, silly, sugar-rush action-adventure film, with a goofy yet menacing bad guy and a crazy plot to take over the world, foiled by a secret military organization that seems to have been conceived by throwing a dart at the wall of Cool Action Hero Concepts. (“OK, this one’s a…Mute Ninja! …with a Wolf for a pet!”)
Anyone who thinks that wasn’t what G.I. Joe has always been about needs to go back and look at it again, and anyone who thinks that it needs to “grow up” and be more “serious” needs to remember that you’re an old fogey now, and the people making the series are targeting actual kids. They are not going to turn it into grim and gritty super-violent softcore porn, because that only attracts arrested adolescents who need to move out of their parents’ basement.
(I swear, in about twenty years we’re going to be getting a whole audience of fans complaining that Spider-Man isn’t “realistic” enough because he’s not swinging between buildings with his left turn signal on, and his prostate hasn’t been removed.)
“…the cartoon had, among other things: a talking parrot, approximately forty billion laser beams color-coded by side, a tribe of shapechangers, an alien race living beneath the earth, an army of robots that would make Cylons jealous, a vampire youth machine, Atlanteans, a giant blob which the Joes killed by throwing apples at it, a trip to a parallel universe where some of the team found their own bodies, sea serpents, Cobra trying to steal Alaska because of some technicality regarding a seal, giant energy-sucking cubes of dark matter, a bio-dome in the Antarctic, a device that vaporized all of the world’s money, ghost warriors, a magic conch shell that hypnotized men but not women, time-traveling to ancient Greece, the Baroness disguising herself as a chunky fat guy not once but four separate times, Destro attempting to take over the world with giant vegetables, Cobra shrinking its entire army to miniscule size and hiding in toys given away to needy children, the Egyptian god Set, Cobra setting up its own television channel and trying to take over the world with propaganda, dinosaur stampedes, an evil clone of the talking parrot, subliminal messages in rock songs, a crime telethon, and Sgt. Slaughter.”
You’re welcome.
You know, this was the perfect wake up for my Monday. Flapjacks is my hero this Monday. But only this Monday. Wouldn’t want it going to his head or anything. 🙂
After ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ trailer (I still won’t see the movie) my childhood locked itself in the attic an put on a chastity belt to prevent this sort of violent ‘reimaging’ of its personal cavities.
…
However I could be convinced to go see it if Jamie Fox does at least 2 extemporaneous ‘knowing is half the battle’ speeches to young children who were only moments from participating in a dangerous activity.
Yeah, I watched that trailer and immediately thought “Hey, they’re making a movie out of Crysis!”
Hey, it’s a more coherent source. But I didn’t see any -200C tankaliens in the trailer, so maybe they just stole the awesome super-suits.
That trailer made the old cartoon look downright realistic. And the cartoon had, among other things: a talking parrot, approximately forty billion laser beams color-coded by side, a tribe of shapechangers, an alien race living beneath the earth, an army of robots that would make Cylons jealous, a vampire youth machine, Atlanteans, a giant blob which the Joes killed by throwing apples at it, a trip to a parallel universe where some of the team found their own bodies, sea serpents, Cobra trying to steal Alaska because of some technicality regarding a seal, giant energy-sucking cubes of dark matter, a bio-dome in the Antarctic, a device that vaporized all of the world’s money, ghost warriors, a magic conch shell that hypnotized men but not women, time-traveling to ancient Greece, the Baroness disguising herself as a chunky fat guy not once but four separate times, Destro attempting to take over the world with giant vegetables, Cobra shrinking its entire army to miniscule size and hiding in toys given away to needy children, the Egyptian god Set, Cobra setting up its own television channel and trying to take over the world with propaganda, dinosaur stampedes, an evil clone of the talking parrot, subliminal messages in rock songs, a crime telethon, and Sgt. Slaughter.
You do realize that if they’d actually done anything like this with the movie, instead of attempting to pander to 30-somethings who like to see the toys/cartoons of their childhood turned into “realistic” and “adult” movies to validate the fact that they still have fond memories of kids toys and cartoons, the movie would be a zillion times awesomer than it will be, right? You’ve just described what might be the ultimate movie franchise right there.
Seriously – I want to see the giant menacing blob rampaging towards New York and being stopped by a convenient apple orchard on the big screen and I want to see it NOW dammit.
I remember trying to explain to my mom that GI Joe was incredibly non-violent. She kept going on about it being just like Vietnam for little kids. Then I sat her down, made her watch an episode, and pointed out that after about a zillion laser beams fired, not a single person was actually shot. Also, yeah, Cobra Commander had this idea where he was going to rob the world’s banks with robot bugs or something.
Still, I’ll say this. The super powered action suites? Completely unnecessary. Did anyone in the original series need a super suite to dodge a missile or dive out of an exploding volcano? Hells no. They just did it. Cause they were awesome.
The MacGuffin is totally unnecessary. Tank with forty seven rocket launchers duct taped to the back? Airplane that can zoom into space at mach 13 or hoover soundless into a nuclear silo with helicopter blades that pop out the top? Shoulder mounted, backpack loaded twin gattling guns? All good. But the super suites were… meh.
I have to go along with Flapjacks on this one. GI Joe has always been silly. This is just the 21st century version of the silliness.
I still don’t believe Flapjacks really exists, he’s just the Hyde to your Jekyll.
“I don’t want to have to hear about that giant space magic dragonfly thing again.”
Why you gotta say things like that?
“I bet Sarah Palin saw that episode of G.I. Joe with the Alaska thing like, ten thousand times when she was a kid.”
Then you turn it right around. Damn you.
“You know, Swordfish. The one where Halle Berry shows her boobs.”
“Oh, that piece of crap.”
The GI Joe movie looks totally retarded, but awesome at the same time. And, thankfully, it looks like it’s retarded in exactly the same way that the old cartoon was retarded, except with the awesomeness cranked up to 11.
It reminds me of Michael Bay’s Transformer movies. Yes, they’re stupid as shit. But the stupidity is just like the stupidity in the old cartoon (remember Grimlock dressed as a waiter and serving drinks in dinosaur mode?). The only real difference is in the level of awesome.
I’ll probably enjoy this movie so long as I’m not asked to take it seriously or admire it. That’s what I find usually kills these kinds of revamps — this underlying message in the narrative that it’s cool now and you should honestly be riveted to the edge of your seat and admire how deep and realistic everything.
That said, I am very sad Christopher Eccleston isn’t wearing a Destro mask. I was looking forward to that.
1. The most awesome part of that Blob vs the apples episode was Shipwreck standing on top of the truck chucking apples at it one by one after all the other Joes had run away.
2. I have no memory of the tribe of shapechangers.
3. Super suits. What a massive Iron Man rip-off. And the worst part is that after this movie fails, the Hollywood retards will look at the box office and think it means that people are tired of seeing cartoon characters being translated into movie characters instead of accepting responsibility for their own failures.
GI JOE Resolute was forty flavors of awesome-looking, but otherwise I saw it as just average nostalgia-porn. Until people stop trying to dress a science-fiction and fantasy franchise up as “adult” or “military” entertainment, I don’t see it working.
I like NCallahan’s comment: they need to quit apologizing for it and just take it the other way… instead of killing everyone and saying “Hell” a million times to show everyone how “grown up” the team is now, they need to have Cobra find Atlantis (again?) and the Joe team partners with a team of Mer-People to save it and Shipwreck gets help from a cute little octopus, driving Polly mad with jealousy. Or something. Resolute was just… I don’t know… I thought it was a little weak, personally. But it LOOKED incredible.
Zenrage: If the Transformers live action movie taught me anything it’s that Hollywood shouldn’t be translating cartoon characters into movie characters. And I’m not one of those die hard purists. I understand that to make things palatable to an average movie goer your going to have to change things. I’m ok with that. But having to endure Shia Doucebag LaBoufe, Megan “I got this part because of my tits” Fox, masturbation jokes in a kids film, and having to wait an hour to see Optimus Prime and another half hour before we got to see a decent fight between the Bots and Cons, makes me want to throw every clip of film of that movie alongside the unsold copies of ET The Game. Then light them on fire.
Luckily, I have absolutely nothing invested in GI Joe, because while I watched the show a few times as a kid, it wasn’t my favorite series (if you hadn’t noticed). So as long as they don’t completely fuck up Cobra Commander I’ll be good.
I also want to thank Buzz Dixon for understanding what makes a good Transformers movie: an hour and a half of robots beating the hell out of each other. So for hours of entertainment you and your fellow writers gave us on both the Transformers and GI Joe series, I thank you.
I’m too old to care one way or another about G.I.JOE (or as I call it, “Marvel’s authorized S.H.I.E.L.D. rip-off”).But I’m really happy to see Steven Sommers isn’t fucking with my beloved Universal Monsters anymore, so I can sorta empathise.Seriously, though, what kind of movie did people expect?
That was… not a good thing.
Why the super-suits?
http://tfwiki.net/wiki/To_sell_toys
“Did anyone in the original series need a super suite to dodge a missile or dive out of an exploding volcano? Hells no. They just did it. Cause they were awesome.”
There is nothing more that needs to be said on the subject, ever.
and Shawn is the least talented Wayans.
Do Destro’s minions wear little metal Destro masks? Because that seems pretty cool.
Lister: I agree that they focused way too much on the Shia and Megan playing characters no one gave a shit about. I would also add that the only time the Transformers did anything outside of fighting it was usually to deliver a shitty punchline.
However, they tried 90 minutes of opposing sides just beating the hell out of each other in AVP: Requiem.
I think they should just regulate Michael “McBoomBoom” Bay to directing action sequences and give the rest of the film to Kevin Smith or someone who can actually direct dialogue well without making the characters look like total retards.
Rande: Resolute was kind of pathetic. They changed the whole Snake Eyes/Stormshadow thing to Kill Bill Vol 2, including the whole “I killed your sensei” bit. Other than that, it was just a way to kill old Cobra villains while showing that once again GI Joe can stand in open areas, surrounded by enemy troops and still not get shot.
Well, that was 2 minutes and 16 seconds well spent, because now I know NOT to see this steaming, heaping helping of flaming dingo shit.
MGK:You forgot the multipart weather control machine.
Zenrage: I remember that. Shipwreck was the most awesome of all of the Joes.
no more doc strange? aww
Yay, Flapjacks!
Mighty Morphin Power Joes.
I’m convinced that Flapjacks is actually your id given life.
It’s okay, MGK. You can put the sock puppet down now.
Man, I can’t wait for when people start doing this for girl’s movies. Skydancers with supersuits and robots will be all kinds of excellent.
I think there was talk of doing Rainbow Bright. But I’m really waiting for full blown wide screen My Little Pony.
For fans of the apple episode, here it is on Youtube.
The Germ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXtYFDkVMt0
Hey, yeah, how come He-Man gets a movie and She-Ra gets crap? Stupid Master of the Universe always keeping us ladies down.
Transformers focused a lot more on the humans than anyone with a hard-on to hate Michael Bay would care to admit. Humans appeared all the time and often even saved the day.
“I would also add that the only time the Transformers did anything outside of fighting it was usually to deliver a shitty punchline.”
Er, what about the episode where Powerglide had a human woman fall in love with him, or a bunch of the Decepticons went to Hollywood to become movie stars, or the time they went to the museum to learn about dinosaurs, or that one where they ripped off that movie about shrinking people and going into someone’s body? Transformers ended up doing a lot stupid-ass non-fighting things too.
They realize that giving everyone super suits makes the whole “bad ass ninja’s” thing kind of superfluous- I mean there’s a reason they don’t have someone bust out martial arts on a Terminator.
I’m going to have to pay to see this movie. If I don’t, then there won’t be a sequel with a proper Cobra Commander or Destro. And I *need* to see Baroness in that skintight black suit with the Cobra emblem across her chest. For… nostalgia’s sake. Yeah, I’ll go with *nostalgia*.
Based on the fact that Flapjacks described the plot as, roughly, revolving around Hugh Jackman’s character receiving a blowjob while programming, I have to ask: Does Flapjacks like superheroes?
After all, everyone knows that Swordfish is about what happens when Storm and Wolverine go undercover and see each other naked (I am assuming that Storm walks in on Wolverine in the shower offscreen, or something to that effect).
I was never really that attached to GI Joe as a kid. I was in 8th grade and trying to be too cool for cartoons and stuff. And every time I saw an episode, Cobra was trying to steal all the worlds oil or some other shit I thought was stupid even in 8th grade.
That said, I thought the power armor was pretty cool, myself. The Snake-Eyes stuff was okay, but being from Hawaii, we were exposed to ninja shit way before the rest of the U.S. and not quite so enamored of their coolness.
Underwater base and appropriately hot Baroness make up for a lot of sins in my book.
Hey, what about the time Iceberg mutated into a giant whale? Damn, that was a messed-up show.
I’m probably going to give this a miss, even with the allure of the Ninth Doctor as Destro, which . . . huh? Or maybe I’m just not used to Destro without the iron mask.
I am fit to burst with excitement….oh not because of this trailer.
It’s because robo-suits brings us one step closer to the inevitable Inhumanoids film!
Huzzah!
If I ever doubt my nerd credibility, I just remember that, even at thirteen years old, I knew the precise significance of Number Six Village Lane, Shipwreck’s new address in the phony town in the Synthoid episode.
Andrew, I was talking about the role of the transformers in the live action movie, not the cartoon.
Damnit, I thought it said super-sluts. And then I was very disappointed by the paucity of super-sluts.
1) The best thing about the Joes was that they were insane Village People rejects. “We’re going to Arizona. Better bring Shipwreck. His nautical knowledge will be priceless!” “On this expedition to the Himalayas, it’d be best if Mutt brought his attack dog.” “Okay, we’ll send out our entire command staff on this mission. Because it’s just that important and that’s what us Joes do!”
2) Cobra had all the best toys, and all the messed up villains. Synthoids, BATs, cooler-looking tanks, weather dominators. Disfigured Cobra Commander, a guy with a mask that had moving parts(!), twins that felt each others pain, and a dominatrix!
It looks like the movie might understand most of the second part, but couldn’t figure out how to do the first and keep a straight face. Something the cartoon had no problem with, since it’s target audience was a blend of young and dumb and having cash.
Plus the producers realized that Iron Man was really, really cool. So they thought it best to work that in. (and it makes for more toy sales)
The issue is that in the ‘toon versions of G.I. Joe and Transformers and eventually Thundercats, the writers could throw out an episode where Optimus Prime and Starscream have a breakdancing contest, and we’d groan and say this is stupid, but next week Transformers would be back to giant robots fighting each other. Or G.I. Joe saving all the world’s peanut butter from Cobra.
In a movie, there is no next week. So while it’s great that Michael Bay thinks Bumblebee should take a piss on screen, it’s actually just a colossal waste of time, and while Bumblebee might have vomited once or twice in the original cartoon, Michael Bay doesn’t have 10 years to get Transformers across.
And this appears to be the same with G.I. Joe. The writer/director/producer spent so much time trying to make it look hip and cool and xxx-treme, that 85 of the 90 minutes are one-liners and super suits and while Joe was extremely ridiculous, it also had a very discernible plot that wasn’t look at all the Joes drive their rocket cars or shoot their eye-lasers.
Yeah, I’m having a distinct lack of nerdrage over this. GI Joe was at base an excuse to sell toys. The only reason the comic transended that was Larry Hama’s writing skills.
No matter what the movie is like, it won’t take away the memories I have of reading and re-reading the awesome comics that he penned in spite of the stupid limits Hasbro imposed on him.
I’d rather have a Herculoids movie.
I’m a little surprised that Destro’s weird family history didn’t make the list. As best I remember, his ancestor was found guilty of some crime and sentenced to be locked in a mask, so all of that guy’s descendants decided they were going to wear masks too. Also, they worshipped some kind of slimy immortal monster that lived in a pit in a castle and they wanted to sacrifice somebody to it.
(I’m reasonably certain that if I wind up watching the episode again it won’t make make a whole lot more sense than the preceding summary.)
To hell with the cartoon. HELL.
They hired LARRY FREAKING HAMA as a consultant for this movie. You know, the guy who wrote the comic? The comic that was, I don’t know, FIVE THOUSAND TIMES as good as the cartoon? And apparently they LISTENED to him.
That alone makes me willing to go see this movie.
Your conversations are the funniest feature on this blog. Hands down.
You forgot about when Cobra Commander transplanted the brains of some of th Autobots into human bodies so that gangsters could use their robot bodies to commit crimes.
Best goddamn crossover of the entire 80s.
And yes, it really did happen.
Prodigal: That was “Only Human” right? Fucking love that episode, especially the final line (which I’m trying to remember all from memory) “They just don’t make terriorist like they used to. COBR-*cough**cough**hack**choke*”
There will never be another Chris Latta.
That’s the exact one, Lister Sage. And no, we will not see his like again.