(Blame these.)

Top comment: This is the best post of the month so far. – Sage Freehaven

FLAPJACKS: So first you did those Fighting Fantasy gamebooks.
ME: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: And then you did all that nerd-lit from years gone by.
ME: Yes.
FLAPJACKS: You realize there remains only one true realm of nerd-bookery left to you.
ME: Unfortunately.
FLAPJACKS: A final frontier, if you will.
ME: Yes, very clever.

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As selected by me, naturally. (I fully admit that there are many that might have been funnier than these to some people, but these were the funniest that were also, I feel, directly parodic of the image or the Archie ouevre itself, and given that Canadian fair dealing law protects parody and not free-ranging satire, etc.)

Dialogue by teh_no.

Dialogue by Mr. Rakshasa.

Dialogue by Zorba The Hutt.

Dialogue by Jim Smith.

Dialogue by Peter Hayward.

Dialogue by Myrna.

Dialogue by Thomas Wilde.

Dialogue by gooner21.

Dialogue by Greg Morrow.

Dialogue by Cappadocius.

Dialogue by Mark Hale.

Dialogue by alliterator.

Dialogue by J. Bryan Shoup.

Dialogue by potatocubed.

Dialogue by Mike Smith.

Dialogue by bluejeanphoenix.

Dialogue by yours truly.

Dialogue by akhlut.

Dialogue by Mighty Dog King.

Dialogue by Mighty Odd King.

Dialogue by Kiru Banzai.

Dialogue by Louis.

Dialogue by galamb_borong.

Dialogue by Andy Hunsaker.

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(Part one here. Part two here. This was originally supposed to be a three-day block of posts, but, well, we all know what happened there.)

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This time around, congratulations are due to mightybaldking, Matt Morrison, James Farley, Reylance, Pedro e Silva and Michael McGee, as well as myself (who edited their ideas and added a few originals of my own). So yay for them! They are nerds too.

FYI: All those appealing to me for a “more [ideologically] balanced” set of cards probably should have thought about who they were asking for a second.

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Step 1:

Step 2:

ME: You know, I rather think the whole Photoshopping thing is getting a bit predictable these days.
MYSELF: I was thinking that myself. I mean, it’s almost getting to be a schtick, isn’t it?
ME: And you’ve got to figure there’s more interesting things to Photoshop than just grabbing a selection of some element of pop-culture nostalgia…
MYSELF: Like Pele bicycle-kicking a buffalo in the nuts.
ME: Whoa. How did I think of that?
MYSELF: My creative process is something of a mystery. Even to me.
ME: That is true.
MYSELF: So I’m settled then. No more pastiches of Photoshoppery. From this point forth, my next Photoshop project is Pele bicycle-kicking a buffalo in the nuts.
ME: Or possibly an elephant.
MYSELF: Or the late Generalissimo Franco.
Enter FLAPJACKS.
FLAPJACKS: Hey, dude, look what I just scored: a whole whack of those old Fighting Fantasy gamebooks!

ME: …God dammit.

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Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic candidate for president in all but name, the nation turns to consider his nominee for Vice-President. Who should fill the role? There are, of course, many possibilities.

John Edwards

PROS:
- shared message of change and battle against entrenched corporate interests in Washington
- leading progressive figure in the Democratic party
- strengthens Obama’s support with white males
- helps in North Carolina, a potential swing state
- nice hair

CONS:
- track record of not quite, like, you know, winning elections
- suffers in the vital “people who hate sons of millworkers” demographic

Senator Jim Webb

PROS:
- helps in Virginia, a large swing state
- also helps with white males
- will energize Democratic fundraising across the board when he asks Veronica Lodge for help in the election

CONS:
- not exactly a pro-women’s rights candidate
- seen by many as too conservative a Democrat for such an important position
- will attract the attention of notable political dirty trickster Reggie Mantle

Senator Joe Lieberman

PROS:
- makes Obama look much, much taller
- theoretically helps with independent voters
- reassures voters that unpleasant-but-survivable status quo will remain essentially untouched
- his nomination would ensure that David Broder, David Brooks, George Will, and Mickey Kaus would all get such massive erections that they would die of lack of blood flow to the brain

CONS:
- is Joe Lieberman
- no, seriously, is Joe Lieberman

Alice Cooper

PROS:
- will introduce America to desperately needed alternative diets, IE, eating a snake live on stage
- no way in hell anybody tries to assassinate Obama now
- campaign will be the first campaign in history to have good theme music

CONS:
- campaigned against John Kerry in 2004, could depress base
- “School’s Out” evidences dangerous potential for interest in school privatization, which could hurt campaign with teacher’s unions
- may steal Michelle Obama’s mascara

Optimus Prime

PROS:
- heroic
- beloved by millions of people
- doesn’t need his own Secret Service detail, as he is a giant battle robot
- can voice over his own ads and it will be awesome

CONS:
- Energon needs may betray problematic views on energy policy
- although technically able to assume presidency on grounds that adoption of current big-rig transformed form counts as a “rebirth” and it happened on American soil, expect a court challenge to his viability
- predictable target of negative ads: “How Do We Know He Will Not Go Insane And Try To Exterminate Humanity?”
- likely Megatron endorsement of John McCain in response

13th President of the United States Millard Fillmore

PROS:
- adds disaffected Whigs and Know-Nothings to Obama’s crossover appeal
- counters Obama’s perceived weakness with white males by appealing to vital slave-owning demographic
- has already taken over from one President, so ready on day one should Obama die of “hypothermia” (wink wink)
- “Millard Fillmore” one of the rare names which makes “Barack Obama” sound downright normal

CONS:
- has been dead for 134 years
- probably smells pretty bad now

A Kitty

PROS:
- Awwwww! Lookit da kitty!
- KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY
- Whosagoodboynow? Whosagoodboynow? YOU are! Yes YOU are!

CONS:
- no, you can’t have any of my tuna
- seriously, get away from my food, cat
- aw, dammit, I thought we litterbox-trained this little bastard already

Monsieur Ting!, Mime Extraordinare

PROS:
- will revolutionize energy policy by teaching America to harness “invisible wind” power
- will never, ever say anything embarrassing to the campaign
- and yet, remarkably eloquent!

CONS:
- predictable “France-lover” attacks
- tendency to get stuck in invisible box
- tends to see world in black-and-white

Dr. Perry Cox

PROS:
- antiwar credibility: opposed war from beginning
- almost always right about everything
- gives additional credibility on healthcare reform
- likely to be absolutely overpowering in vice-presidential debate

CONS:
- kind of a jerk
- personal life (unmarried common-law relationship with two kids) somewhat colorful for a potential nominee
- predilection of calling Obama “Newbie”

M’Kha-ane, AKA “The Martian John McCain”

PROS:
- Sacrificed greatly in Spleeg-Vurtm War, was in Spleeg prisoner of war camp for 27 astrocycles but did not talk; shows character
- Telepathic powers of great tactical value to the campaign
- Will bring a lot to the table in interplanetary trade agreements
- makes Obama seem less exotic

CONS:
- religious beliefs (member, Church of Xygyyszzz the Conqueror Undying) may prove thorny issue in campaign
- refuses to share vital raygun technology with Army researchers
- feeds exclusively on juices found in human spleen
- cannot lift arms above head due to differences in Martian anatomy

The Entire State of Ohio

PROS:
- guarantees crucial swing state of Ohio in November
- earns points with neighboring states which will feel more important
- two words: fried cheese

CONS:
- Ohio kind of sucks
- you just know Florida is going to get jealous
- difficulty of fitting entire state into Naval Observatory

Lex Luthor

PROS:
- captain of industry, genius scientist
- swings Kansas firmly into Democratic column
- can fund many downticket races on his own dime if asked

CONS:
- may force Superman to support Republican candidate
- obsession with Kryptonite collection worrying
- serial cake theft evidences potential kleptomania

An Enormous Sundae

PROS:
- gains support of entire dairy industry
- as well as corn industry (syrups)
- is extremely delicious

CONS:
- promotes unhealthiness in American diet
- may alienate millions of lactose-intolerant Americans
- engages partisanship in base, who would prefer to see Gigantic Stack Of Waffles as nominee instead

Kcarab Amabo, AKA The Mirror Universe Barack Obama

PROS:
- All of the genius and inspiration of Barack Obama
- Just as likeable as Barack Obama
- In a pinch can replace Barack Obama if he shaves his goatee

CONS:
- Evil
- Like, whoa, totally evil
- We are so not kidding about the evil

SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON

PROS:
- yep, there are some

CONS:
- yep, there are some

So I hit up a garage sale over the weekend and bought a genuine, working-condition Atari 2600, with a huge stack of games nearly mint in their boxes, for a song. I thought I’d scan the box covers and give you all a look back into the fun of yesteryear.

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I know you think many of your favorite critically acclaimed comics are original works, but it is my sad duty to inform you that most of them are warmed-over replicas of passionately brilliant works from the Silver Age. It’s hard to accept that these creators have so callously and wholly avoided crediting their predecessors for the ideas from which they have made their careers, but these original comics deserve the acclaim of which they have been robbed.

I first discovered these titles going through a bargain bin at a garage sale, as one makes so many comics discoveries. I was shocked by what I discovered.

Be forewarned: if you value your innocence as a comics consumer, do not attempt to view these images. You will only end up being disappointed in your favorite writers.

Adventures of the Fable Folk only ran a mere seventeen issues before being cancelled, but the rampant imagination of writer Horley McLachlan is unparalleled. Bill Willingham lifted entire story arcs from plots that McLachlan resolved in eighteen pages – and satisfactorily, to boot. McLachlan subtly builds a love triangle between Bigby Wolf, Snow White and Cinderella, hinting at bisexual attraction between the respective women in a way that makes one wonder what he would have done with it had he not been forced to work within the social mores of the time. Fascinating if you can pick it up, but difficult to do, as the reason for the comic’s modern obscurity is shocking: “Fableheads” were one of the earliest organizers of dedicated-subject conventions, and all 1,245 fans of the comic were killed at the inaugural convention when the roof collapsed. DC immediately cancelled the title and now refuses to admit that it ever existed. Unsurprisingly, the writer of Yorick, The Last Man On Earth was a woman: Sally Polenti, a trailblazer in the comics field and almost totally unknown today. Her work on Yorick is more soap-opera-ish, perhaps, than Brian K. Vaughan’s – but then again, she also doesn’t have any of those Trivial Pursuit factoids Vaughan seems compelled to insert into any and all narratives he writes. And if you thought Vaughan’s depiction of the longing between 355 and Yorick was hot – well, Polenti’s positively smolders. Plus, mad scientists in just about every issue. Girls Romance Comics went out of business in 1958, and most of its writers went into television writing, explaining why it’s now a footnote in comics history. Highly recommended. An early Robert Kanigher war comic, before he really started to cut loose on the joyous weirdness that came to become a trademark of his career at DC. Kanigher’s work here is still crazy, mind you, but it’s an eerie sort of plausible craziness, especially in light of what we now know about the weirdness of the completely militarized North Korean society. The issue where Matthew Roth (who never picks up a gun throughout the series) leads his platoon through a field filled with blindfolded North Korean soldiers practicing “alertness exercises” is a highlight. I don’t think Marvel got the rights to this, but it doesn’t matter in any case, considering that the Army censored this title and seized all copies of it they could find. If you find an issue, hold onto it; they’re worth a lot. This early-70s DC horror comic lasted a mere five issues before being scrapped, ostensibly to avoid competition with Kirby’s The Sandman. Every issue featured a Hob Gadling backup story. Mervyn Pumpkinhead was a cannibal monster introduced in issue #2, and Morpheus himself was more of a dealer out of ironic punishments than an anthropomorphic personification of human beliefs. ‘ A fairly traditional war comic, but centered around the Navy rather than the Army (as most war comics of the time focused on ground-pounders). Sea-Guy is good, entertaining fun, and fairly straightforward, but never anything less than completely engaging. The “Invisibles” referred to on the cover were the book’s backup strip: a team of elite frogmen infiltrators. They also explain the book’s disappearance – DC wanted to make sure that the emerging Sea Devils property faced no competition from its other comics. Originally this comic was simply entitled The Future Reporters, but along the way one of the supporting characters became more and more popular. Two issues after this one, it was retitled Spider Jerusalem and the Future Reporters, and then five issues after that it simply became Spider Jerusalem and remained that way for another two years. The reason it faded into obscurity? A nasty lawsuit initiated by Steve Ditko combined with a weird distribution scheme meant that this title was only printed in Morocco. But it sold very well there.

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You can’t do just one of these.

EDIT TO ADD: I note that this page has become popular on StumbleUpon, so it would be remiss of me not to point out the inevitable sequel.

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