You know, it’s nice to know that Marc Thiessen is exactly the whiny, disingenuous little toad in desperate need of a cockpunching that I imagined him to be.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

Your guest judge tonight is Mary Murphy. Yes, that Mary Murphy. Uh huh.

Grace and Nick: hip-hop. Oh lord, they’re bringing in Mary Murphy for the rehearsal vignettes too? How did anybody start thinking Mary Murphy was this popular with fans? Anyway, the choreo by Tiana Canterbury was excellent, but Grace didn’t look that comfortable doing it – which is not to say that she didn’t hit her moves, but I particularly thought she underplayed any portion of the routine where she was supposed to be grinding her hips, and during the “jump-rope” segment she didn’t really look like she was jumping rope. Nick was very strong, which I expected. Mary Murphy screams about the hot tamale train because that is her gimmick.

Carly and Kieran: Viennese waltz. After an interesting sequence during the rehearsal vignette where Carly was expressing her worry about dancing properly to 3/4 time (a sentence I don’t think I will ever come close to writing in describing any other version of this show), Mary Murphy shows up and does she have any advice about this, her specialty? No. *sigh* Kieran’s carriage in this was absolutely perfect. Carly stumbled a bit a third of the way through with her heel catching in her dress. Mary as a judge this time around makes some good points – specifically that Carly’s lines were mediocre, which they were, but also commiserating on the caught heel in the dress, which was nice of her – and at this point, I’m pretty convinced that Kieran is the power player in this couple.

Jess S. Hip-Hop and Doug: jazz. Instead of Mary during the vignette, it’s Bonnie, who says things that aren’t cheap gag lines. (Thank you, Bonnie.) And after two weeks of Doug and Jess being thoroughly underwhelming and clunky and just blah, they finally delivered with a performance that was lively and felt up to the standards of the show. Adam Williams’ mummy-themed choreo was clever and they did it justice, and Jess in particular finally felt like she wants to be here. This was really great fun.

Renee and Phillipe: contemporary. Not much to say about this routine, because it was just so good. Phillipe’s performance in this was arguably one of the best contemporary routines I’ve ever seen a hip-hop dancer perform: strong and confident and the unison was dead-on. Renee was as brilliant as you would expect. Just gorgeous work all around.

Jessica P. Ballroom and Heath: tango. You know, I only just realized that Heath is a dead ringer for a young Patrick Swayze this week? Anyway, Mary didn’t like the routine because she felt Heath wasn’t strong enough, and I can see the argument for Heath not being as good as Jessica obviously but as novices performing tangoes on SYTYCD go, I thought this was definitely in the top third or so: his intensity of character was very good and although there were a few points where he was obviously too tentative in his movement, it was only inconsistency rather than outright failure.

Jessie H. Contemporary and Matt: hip-hop. Travers Ross choreographs very lyrical-ish hip-hop – that lyrical hip-hop he did for Lamb and Timomatic last season remains a favorite, but the downside is stuff like choreographing hip-hop to “Mr. Jones” like he did last season as well, which was a fucking disaster. In short, Travers Ross routines are generally either home runs or major strikeouts. This was one of the latter; the choreo was blocky and rough and impenetrable and I am full-on with Jason in disliking it.

Issi and Don: contemporary. Don had great performance quality and partnered Issi exquisitely, but I agree with Matt that his flaws were distracting – it wasn’t so much the feet for me as it was, of all things, his groundwork. (Mostly because I don’t get distracted by unpointed feet as Matt does.) Issi was actually watchable for the first time thus far this week, so all things considered I’m willing to give this a thumbs up despite the choreo being kind of confusing.

Ivy and Robbie: jazz. And apparently the question of how Robbie would lift Ivy has been answered by mostly having Ivy lift Robbie instead. That having been said, even with Robbie’s obvious issues with being a tiny human being, he’s still better with Ivy than Mikhaela. The choreo wasn’t especially difficult outside of a couple of major tricks (mostly on Robbie), but it was clever and the costuming was inspired, and visually it was extremely entertaining. So I’m saying it was good.

Probable bottom three: Matt and Jessie, Jessica and Heath, Issi and Don.
Should go home: Issi and Don.
Will go home: Issi and Matt.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

Your guest judge is Jason Gilkison, who is of course just as good as the other three.

Ivy and Gaz: hip-hop. A Superman-themed hip-hop routine? It is like they choreographed this just for me! And Gaz is, it turns out, a dead fucking ringer for Clark Kent, and Ivy’s reasonable as Lois. This was really great up until just after the lift, and then they kind of lost a bit of pace (I agree with Matt that they slipped ahead of the beat), but on the whole I’m going to give it a thumbs up because it genuinely was a cute routine, and because it had Superman flava, and the performance quality that Gaz kind of lacked last week was here in full force.

Issi and Don: foxtrot. Issi’s hurting ribs were pretty evident in some of the moves (that arabesque on the bench, for example) and Matt’s right in that Don’s tendency to rush through his moves is starting to become more evident, but he was still much better than Issi – she just felt clunky in a lot of places for me and this is the second week where I just wasn’t feeling any connection to her character at all. She’s not as bad as, say, Mollee was by any stretch, but she’s got a lot of the same flaws writ small, and I think her fear over the injury isn’t doing her any favours.

Jessica P. Ballroom and Heath: contemporary. Pretty standard “love falls apart” storyline here, but damn, what dancing. Heath is genuinely excellent at partnering, which I simply didn’t expect out of him at all; I don’t notice the lack of pointing in his feet at all but then again I don’t really look for that sort of thing. Jessica was very, very good. I want to see these two work outside of technical-training dance now to see what happens; I am optimistic.

Jessie H. Contemporary and Matt: jazz. Project Moda are one of my favorite things about the Australian show because nobody else choreographing for any show anywhere is as consistently hilarious as they are, and because unlike a lot of jazz choreographers they stick to what jazz dance should be, which is “mix of absolutely everything” rather than “ballet with a beat.” This is the second week Jessie and Matt have absolutely nailed their choreo, at least in my eyes; maybe a few points where the unison movement was a hair off, but only a few and only by a hair, and the ridiculous stunts Matt assisted Jessie into were just stunning – that backward somersault lift near the end was fucking insane.

Mikhaela and Robbie: boogaloo. Boogaloo! Haven’t seen that since season one. And… yeah, there’s a reason, because it’s not that audience-friendly: it lacks big moves and it’s hard to do. (Compare to house, prevalent on the Canadian show, which is hard to do but has plenty of big moves.) Robbie looked terrified through the entire thing and frankly didn’t dance this well; his pops were better than Mikhaela’s were but on the other hand Mikhaela at least looked comfortable doing the moves, even if her pops were mediocre. Jason Gilkison blames their problems on lack of chemistry, which seems like it is not necessarily the entire problem but definitely contributing.

Grace and Nick: contemporary. And right off the bat it’s a Very Special Routine about a couple that loses their baby Inspired By Real People and the dancers say things like “we have to do this routine justice,” which always irks me. But on the merits of the routine itself I don’t really have any complaints; it was danced very strongly and the choreo, while not especially original, was completely serviceable. I thought both Grace and Nick were miles ahead of where they were last week. This was very good, and both are frankly better off without the partners they lost last week.

Carly and Kieran: Broadway. I’m at a loss to find enough ways to compliment- this: just a great goddamn routine, clever choreo and danced just about perfectly. Kieran’s ability to bring out his character – last week it could possibly be described as heavy-handed, but then it was a heavy routine. This was light and, yes, “frothy,” and he was understated without being boring. Carly was very strong as well. Easily the surprises of the competition so far.

Renee and Phillipe: paso doble. Terrible music. I mean, the idea of a paso to “Bohemian Rhapsody” isn’t a bad one, but because of all the really blatant music edits and skips I just kept having these “wait, they skipped a line” moments which distracted me and pulled me out of the dance. Jason Coleman summed up my feelings on the routine itself by saying that the intensity needed for a paso was present for the first third of it, missing for the second and then showed up again for the last third. Not nearly so good as last week for these two.

Jess S. Hip-Hop and Doug: contemporary. I had the over/under on “Fireflies” by Owl City getting used in a routine at week two, because if there’s a song that screams out “YOU CAN USE ME FOR ANY FORM OF DANCE” it’s that one, and here we are. This, unfortunately, did not justify using it; it was choreo that managed to be both complex and trite all at once, with so many lifts that the dancing itself was more or less missing. I thought Doug did better on the lifts than Jason Coleman gave him credit for doing, but not so well that I was especially impressed. Jess was only okay.

Probable bottom three: Mikhaela and Robbie, Jess S. and Doug, Jessie H. and Matt.
Should go home: Jess S. and Robbie.
Will go home: Jess S. and Robbie.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

(See, this is why I’m irritated. Being dependent on internet to see this show means sometimes I am delayed.)

Your judges are Jason Coleman, Bonnie Lythgoe and Matt Lee.

Ilona and Nick: jazz. This was mediocre, and Jason saying “there wasn’t a lot of dancing for me to judge there” is pretty much a straight-up warning to the choreographers because this was essentially a lot of spastic walking around. Both Nick and Ilona threw themselves into their (bad) choreo, though, so there’s that much to say for this. Ilona was sloppier than Nick, who seemed to have a greater degree of control over his spasming: Matt correctly noted that Ilona’s hip-hop training should have translated better to this. Disappointing start.

Jessie Contemporary and Matt: contemporary. After the first routine I was all worried about this season, but hey this routine by Stephen Agisilaou was just really great. Matt was a bit shaky at points (Jason pointed out his getting tense when going into lifts, Matt Lee noted his foot extensions – I’ll add that at times he was slightly behind Jessie) but for a non-classically-trained dancer in the first week of competition he was really quite good and the complaints that can be made are quibbles at worst. Jessie was thoroughly excellent. Really, the only problem I have is that the judges on this show are so good and so consistently observant that sometimes I feel redundant.

Jess Hip-Hop and Doug: cha-cha. This was more a fusion of cha-cha and swing than pure cha-cha, to be honest. I think Matt and Bonnie – who liked it – were focusing on the first half, which was very tight and well danced. I think Jason – who thought it wasn’t that strong – was focusing on the second half, where it seemed like they were struggling with the choreography a bit and dancing just slightly behind the beat. First half was very good; second half was average at best. The other issue I have is that I don’t think Jess and Doug have very good chemistry together yet, which isn’t their fault per se (sometimes it’s just not there) but they’ll have to fake it to make it.

Renee and Felipe: hip-hop. Very, very good to see Jesse from season 2 get to choreo, since he probably got the weakest draw that season by getting paired with Max, the only dancer that season who really wasn’t on par with everybody else, which led to him getting a first-week boot that wasn’t indicative of his real talent. Felipe – working in his genre – was just impossibly smooth, his freezes dead sharp and partnering Renee superbly. Renee – not in her genre – went far beyond “contemporary dancer dancing hip-hop okayish with more capable partner” and were this my first time seeing her I would have pegged her for a hip-hop dancer, straight up. Excellent.

Grace and Will – oh, all right, “Will and Grace”: jazz. Second routine of the night where I felt it started out really, really strong and then they got stressed halfway through: Matt said it really went south with the second lift, but I would mark it earlier at the crossing pirouette trails (you can see Grace’s steps getting visibly hesitant and nervous, and Will starts doing it too after a few seconds). I think if they had really sold the second half this would have been great. As it was, average.

Mikhaela and Robbie: rumba. I actually think the judges were a little harsher than was deserved here; Robbie and Mikhaela did quite a credible rumba, all things considered, and compensated for the fact that Robbie is shorter than Mikhaela quite well overall. (There was perhaps a bit of hesitancy when she went for the running leap into Robbie’s arms, but beyond that, fine.) Not a perfect ten, by any means, but the judges going on about the rumba not being lustful enough made it sound like they wanted to see a tango instead – rumba is passionate, but not dirty per se. At least, that’s how I see it.

Carly and Kieran: contemporary. Really excellent choreography from Sarah Boulter. There’s not much to say beyond that this was really, really good: Kieran obviously wasn’t as strong a dancer as Carly (whose lines were amazing) but he’s arguably a better performer than she is, never dropping character even in the lifts. Kieran was one of the dancers I wasn’t sure about going into top 20 and he’s just completely sold me – the nervousness is all gone. Fucking great, routine of the night, and so forth. (Sadly, Youtube is blocking videos of this one due to music rights issues.)

Jessica Ballroom and Heath: jazz. Marko Panzic! Awesome. (Marko choreo’d one of my favorite routines from last season, the Pania/Ben “crazies” routine.) This was okay choreo danced near-perfectly. There’s no technical complaints I can make about Heath’s dancing at all – he was simply dead-on in every possible respect – and I’m not nearly good enough an eye to find fault in Jessica’s dancing either, even though she’s a Latin dancer working out of genre. It didn’t dazzle me – a little too basic an idea behind the steps to do that – but it was just great fucking dancing.

Ivy and Gaz: paso doble. I liked the idea of a “gladiator” paso, but I think the judges were probably a bit too nice given that both dancers were out of genre and injured “so let’s not be MEAN.” I thought Gaz started out the routine substituting stiffness for bravado, although he loosened up as the routine went on. Ivy, in comparison, absolutely owned her character – although I saw her bobble a couple of handholds, I thought her presence was great. Unfortunately, fucking up that last lift will, I think, haunt them in the voting.

Issi and Don: hip-hop. Percentage of shock that Don got the pimp spot: zero. I thought this was okay. Not great. Okay. I think Issi was ahead of the beat for a portion of the routine and their chemistry is still questionable, but I don’t think they’ll hit bottom three – yet. But if they don’t improve beyond this, they won’t make top ten either. (And also, why is Jet Verne choreographing again? Her routines were uninspiring in the first season and thankfully not present in the second. And why is she choreographing hip-hop all of a sudden? Yeesh.)

Bottom three: Ilona and Nick, Will and Grace, Ivy and Gaz.
Should go home: Ilona and Gaz.
Will go home: Ivy and Gaz.
(And then, watching the results show, it turns out to be: bottom three Matt/Jessie, Will/Grace, and Ilona/Nick with Will and Ilona going home.)

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

1.) ME: Oh my god, they actually got the “foreigners don’t have maps” beauty pageant girl to be on this show.
FLAPJACKS: They are sending her around the world! This is either the best joke ever or the cruelest prank ever. Possibly both.
ME: You know, given that they are “dating models,” it’s entirely possible that CBS cast them by accident.
FLAPJACKS: You mean they were just trying to fulfill the “dating hot couple who want to be actors” quota for this season, and then when they looked at their options they saw that they got the beauty queen who was on Youtube?
ME: Exactly.
FLAPJACKS: That seems unlikely.
ME: Ah, but consider: we both enjoy this show and it is entering its sixteenth season. Is that not unlikely?
FLAPJACKS: I just consider it further proof that the universe thinks I’m important.

2.) FLAPJACKS: Is there really such a thing as a world title in rodeo-ing?
ME: Why wouldn’t there be?
FLAPJACKS: Wouldn’t that be kind of like the World Series, in that with the exception of the Toronto Blue Jays, there aren’t any non-American teams? Who outside the United States does rodeo-ing?
ME: They have cowboys in Australia.
FLAPJACKS: Yes, but the Australian cowboys are all busy competing at Learning The Secrets Of Wise Aboriginal Elders and Sleeping With The Repressed Rich English Ladies and Having The Biggest Knife. It’s entirely a different set of skills. I bet they come to America for the world championships and then get surprised when they find out that they have to rope a steer really fast.
ME: You have got to stop watching that Baz Luhrmann film over and over again.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t gotta do nothing.

3.) ME: Okay, so this 71-year-old granny who has done fifteen triathlons is this season’s official “make you feel worse about yourself” entrant.
FLAPJACKS: That’s fifteen times as many triathlons as I have done!
ME: You’ve never done a triathlon.
FLAPJACKS: I watched the one you did. I figure that counts.
ME: That was only a starter triathlon.
FLAPJACKS: It counts.
ME: Wait, shouldn’t I be the one arguing that it counts and you discounting my near-death experience in running it?
FLAPJACKS: It’s a funny old world.

4.) ME: “Joe is very confrontational. He says things that might piss people off.”
FLAPJACKS: “Joe is this season’s Official Asshole.”
ME: “HATE HIM! HAAAAATE HIM! Write letters expressing your hate! Our inevitable divorce will come that much quicker if you do it! It’s like ripping off a spiritual Band-Aid!”

5.) ME: And Phil says this will be the most difficult Race ever!
FLAPJACKS: Oh no! They have to take public transportation to the airport! That’s worse than the annual India leg of the Race!
ME: I wonder if anybody will break down crying because they can’t figure out how to use transfers.
FLAPJACKS: And they’re all so shocked. “Who takes the bus in L.A.?”
ME: And the team of black ladies answers that for us by saying out loud “look, a black person” and asking them.

6.) FLAPJACKS: I note that the cowboys have incorrectly changed their money to Brazilian funds when they are in fact going to Chile.
ME: Maybe they just missed every other team talking about how excited they were to go to Chile. Or, in Team Big Brother’s case, China.
FLAPJACKS: Well, in the cowboys’ defense, those are all not Wyoming or whatever the fuck they are from.
ME: “Aw shucks our town is so small we don’t got no atlases like you city folk do.”
FLAPJACKS: “Our town library is so small it only has two books and Walter won’t let you take ‘em out on account of what happened in 1957. We don’t talk about that much.”
ME: “Got a McDonald’s, though! So we’re definitely comin’ along in the world. Nobody can say the future is leavin’ Buttlick, Whereverthefuck behind, no sirree bob.”
FLAPJACKS: Oh, I love how they decide to sheepishly admit it. “Yeah, see, the closest thing the airport in LA had to Chilean money was Brazilian money.”
ME: I believe that’s the Weasel school of admitting error. “See, it wasn’t our fault we fucked up. It was the airport’s fault.”

7.) FLAPJACKS: “Heidi does have some fear of heights, so I took on that challenge. Because she is a chicken. And I am a condescending asshole.”
ME: Maybe we should wait a little longer to start hating him?
FLAPJACKS: No. If there is one thing about this show that is predictable, it is that the Designated Asshole always makes himself obvious early on.

8.) FLAPJACKS: Wait, the city of Valparaiso pays for houses to be painted so they can be pretty? Why can’t we get that here?
ME: You live in a large North American city. Half of the painting budget would go to unions and the other half would go to a PR fund to mollify people who pointlessly scream about unions.
FLAPJACKS: Which leaves no money for the paint.
ME: No, you take care of that with a special bond issue.
FLAPJACKS: So then the houses get painted?
ME: They would, except that in the next municipal election the anti-paint candidate gets elected, and he says “we should spend that money on police officers” and the money pays for one additional police officer over the next five years. He is shot and killed in the line of duty in his third year.
FLAPJACKS: That’s sad.
ME: And drab.

9.) FLAPJACKS: Wait, the prize trip for the first round is Vancouver? Wow. That’s underwhelming.
ME: Well, they do get to go whale-watching and bobsledding and – no, never mind. You’re right. That’s a sucky prize.
FLAPJACKS: How much lamer can the trip prizes get than that?
ME: “You’ve won a trip for two to beautiful Columbus, Ohio!”
FLAPJACKS: “You’ve won a trip for two to Detroit, Michigan!”
ME: That would at least be exciting. Albeit probably not in the good way.

10.) FLAPJACKS: I knew it! I knew this day would come! People doing a challenge on the Amazing Race are just interfering with people’s everyday lives and because they don’t speak the local language nobody can make them understand that they need to fuck off.
ME: Yes, this is pretty much the best day ever. And it wasn’t the Big Brother team or the Teen South Carolina team or anybody you’d expect to screw up. It was just the father/daughter team, who are like the vanilla ice cream of Amazing Racers.
FLAPJACKS: And they just keep going and going, painting the inside of this totally unrelated house. At some point, you’d think the people staring at you incredulously would start to kick in. But no.

11.) ME: And it turns out that arguably the least fit team on the Race gets eliminated. Which is not a shock.
FLAPJACKS: In fairness, non-athletic teams have gone quite a long way before on the Race.
ME: Not many of them, though. Being in at least reasonable shape seems like it might be an advantage in something which is technically supposed to be a “race.”
FLAPJACKS: When they let Canadians compete I will totally make you exercise.
ME: Ahem. I have run a starter triathlon and I swim every day. You play Halo.
FLAPJACKS: That means that I have elite teabagging skills that will make me very successful in the Race.

I’m still on the fence as to whether I’ll bother doing SYTYCD Australia episode reviews for the blog, partially because I can’t guarantee they’ll all be timely and partially because the vast majority of my reading audience doesn’t have easy access to the program. (I might be able to mollify that somewhat if Youtube is convenient enough, though.)

Regardless, the Aussies put on their “performance show prior to actual competition” episode this past week, copying what the American show did in season six – a non-voting episode where everybody dances in their genre, so as to “even the playing field” and make it harder for the audience to play favourites with the dancers who got more airtime during auditions. I thought it was a good idea when the Americans did it and I think it’s a good idea now.

As to the quality of the third season’s top 20? Obviously it’s still too early to say, but my hunch is that it’s not going to quite equal the second season. The performance show’s routines were, for the most part, quite solid (the big exceptions for me were the Ivy/Doug Broadway, which I thought was something of a mess, and the Renee/Carlie/Mikhaela pop/jazz, which was just boring choreography combined with horrible costumes), but I’m not sure about a lot of the dancers, especially the boys. Kieran, Robbie and Nick all look like they’re twelve, and Kieran in particular just looks nervous all the time and the others dance very “young.” Issi reminds me of US S6’s Mollee much more than I’d like. Heath seems very inwardly focused, almost too much so, and I’m not sure how sharp Felipe is.

(Also, Australia needs to be put on notice for having three dancers named Jessica in the top 20. The workaround of calling them “Jessica,” “Jessie” and “Jess” is not really un-confusing.)

But the potential exists to prove me wrong on every one of those counts, and the performance show delivered at least one shit-hot routine: the top 10 boys’ performance, choreographed by none other than head judge Jason Coleman. (The girls’ routine, choreo’d by Matt Lee, was also very good, but not quite on par with this.)

That instantly jumps onto my “best group routines of all time” list – it’s clever, unique and works with each dancer’s strengths very fluidly, and they all deliver (even poor terrified-looking Kieran). It’s immediately obvious that some of the dancers are more inherently performers than others, but then again that’s the reasoning behind a no-vote episode: get them used to working on this scale.

So, on the whole, I’m optimistic.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

- The way that Green Arrow somehow shoots an entire flight of dagger-icicles with a single arrow

- When Hawkman is in his armor he totally has an armor potbelly

- The way that Stargirl was the most annoying character ever

- The fact that Geoff Johns’ dialogue is, what, maybe two steps above George Lucas’ dialogue when the former tries to get all Meaningful and Important and the orchestra rises up in the background

- The way Dr. Fate sounds kind of like a Muppet

- How the members of the JSA constantly refer to those not there by their full names, which makes one wonder if, when they have a barbecue, they say things like “Sorry I’m late – Al Pratt forgot to pick me up. Did we get the hamburger buns?” “No, Alan Scott is getting the buns, and Wesley Dodds is getting the beer”

- Actual line spoken by Hawkman: “Why what, Green Punching Bag?” No really somebody paid Geoff Johns to write that

- Being reminded of the fact that the Golden Age Flash and Green Lantern would look incredibly dorky in real life

- How everybody’s attitude towards Clark is about one degree shy of actual outright cocksucking

- The constant carping by Hawkman (played by an actor who is 38) about how he and the Justice Society were fighting crime when Clark (played by an actor who is 31) and Oliver (played by an actor who is 33) were little kids, like having three days’ worth of stubble suddenly makes you super-old

- HEY EVERYBODY J’ONN SAID HOW HE LIKES COOKIES AND THEY NAMECHECKED MICHAEL HOLT SO THIS IS THE BEST SUPERHERO TV MOVIE THING EVER

- Hinting of “the coming apocalypse” by Amanda Waller to give hope to Smallville fans that maybe the Fourth World will be the one major story arc Smallville does not completely fuck up

- That I knew it was going to be this shitty in advance and I still watched it

I’ve given a fair bit of thought as to what makes So You Think You Can Dance Australia so much better than its other English-speaking cousins – it’s easily better than any of them, which is somewhat quizzical given that of all the English SYTYCDs it takes place in the country with the smallest population. But it’s definitely better than the Canadian version, easily better than the American and the less said about the dreadful British show¹ the better.²

I could muster the cynical answer, which is that the Aussie version, by dint of geography, is less contaminated by the flaws of the American show than most others.³ There are of course the audiovisual aspects to it: the editing and pacing on the Australian show is just heads above any of the others to an extent that’s so glaring that the show really has its own visual language unlike any of the other franchises, and one that’s engaging to the watcher.

Perhaps it’s cultural – a relatively small country where competitive dance has flourished more than one would expect, with amateur dance following in its wake, might generate a better show. Certainly the egalitarian nature of the show helps refine all styles – although the judges stress that classical dance training helps to round out a dancer’s skills, there’s never that ever-present patronization towards hip-hop that’s unfortunately become a characteristic of the American show. Watching Jason Coleman comment to a B-boy on the first audition episode that his air-flares, while athletic, had mediocre form is something that almost never happens on the American show, where “dancing on your head” is treated like something kids do on monkey-bars at the gym rather than its own high-impact and high-difficulty skillset.

Of course, Coleman, Lythgoe and Matt Lee deserve some portion of the credit for making this version of the show the best, because the three of them have clearly decided that they would rather be mentors than celebrities and they act accordingly.⁴ Constructive criticism is the rule rather than the exception on this show: returning dancers are quizzed as to what they’ve been doing the past year to improve and eliminated dancers advised in detail as to what they need to do to better themselves. And they never – ever – play favourites, as was evident as of the second episode when Forever was knocked out after a horrible tryout and Don (of Bohemian Rhapsody b-boying fame) was told straight-up that without demonstrated improvement outside of his genre he wouldn’t even advance to the top 100, let alone top twenty.⁵

And credit needs to equally be given out to Australia’s young dancers – and old dancers, given that the cutoff age for this show is 35, higher than anywhere else,⁶ and this year an awesome 35-year-old female hip-hop dancer auditioned and kicked ass – for constantly seeking to be the best. The judges have set a high bar, but without the active cooperation of the dancers that bar is meaningless; over and over again in auditions you hear from dancers how they spent the previous year going to classes, training outside of their genre, doing whatever they could to improve.

That relentless drive to be better permeates this show like nothing else, and it’s what makes this show the best competitive-talent reality show anywhere in the world, bar none. It’s why, from the very first audition of the third season, you know you’re in for a treat:

I’m not sure what I like about that clip the most: the audacity of a pop-and-locker dancing to Vanessa Carlton (of all things), or him busting out a flying somersault leap just to show he can, or Lythgoe getting involved enough to mouth along with the song, or Coleman visibly pleased with the audition and his comment to that effect. But it all comes together to demonstrate a collective aspiration to excellence, and you got to give props to that.

I’m looking forward to this season greatly.

1. In the first two weeks of performance, I’ve seen exactly one routine that I could straight-up call “good.” [↩]
2. And come to think, why can England – a country with more people in it than Australia and Canada combined – only manage a weak top 14 as opposed to its colonies’ top twenties? [↩]
3. Especially since Bonnie Lythgoe divorced Nigel. [↩]
4. Not that they aren’t celebrities now, of course, but there’s a difference between being famous for being awesome and being famous because you spent a long time working on your catchphrases. [↩]
5. Which he of course then did, because Don is awesome. [↩]
6. Which means that, were I so inclined and had the money, I could go to Australia, get a work visa and just train for a year and audition. Sadly, this will not happen. Mostly because I’m not good enough. And not rich. And did I mention not good enough? [↩]

As we await the airing of the first episode of Lost’s final season, our minds naturally drift back to other, similar experiences… other times we’ve seen the final seasons and episodes of complex, episodic shows… final episodes which often sucked. Like Battlestar Galactica.

Shows like Lost and BSG (my fingers are getting tired) have a particular challenge in finding good endings because they’re not just “arc” shows with continuing storylines, they’re also “mythology” shows: a lot of the fun of watching them is getting more and more details of the backstory, details that are most often unknown to the main characters as well as the viewer. Not all arc shows, or even all SF/Fantasy shows with arcs, are mythology shows (Buffy, for instance, flirted with being one but never really was, as the mythology was both inconsistent and mostly irrelevant to the plot), but it’s hard to think of a mythology show that isn’t SF or fantasy. (Soap operas don’t count because there has to be a sense that the mythology was created before the show started, whereas the revelations in soap operas are generally retcons.)

What makes mythology shows different from others in terms of how we watch them is that we’re not just watching for the story, the characters or the performances: we watch, in large part, because we want to better understand the world the writers have created. As wiser people than me have noted, we humans have a built-in tendency to look for patterns, and we feel a kind of pleasure when we identify one we didn’t see before. The flip side of this, though, is that if something we think is a pattern turns out not to be, we can get very annoyed. This is what happened with BSG: by the end of the series finale we had all the pieces to the puzzle, but for most fans they didn’t fit together to make anything meaningful – or at least the picture they created was so far from what we expected as to have the same effect. So here are some lessons the producers of Lost could take from the final season of Battlestar Galactica:

What have you done for me lately?

Fans are fickle creatures. No matter how much we enjoyed the first five seasons, if the final season – and the final episode – aren’t satisfying, we will quickly toss you on the Junk Heap of Forgotten Pop Culture Artifacts.

Don’t marry your ending

Ronald D. Moore has said that he had the final scene of the last episode – where Head Baltar and Head Six wander around New York and watch dancing robots – planned out from the beginning. Which is great, except that after several years of making things up as he went along, that scene no longer made a lick of sense. Honestly, after all the things that came up in the series, the last message he wanted to leave us with was “hug your robots tight”?
A good example of a show that did this right was Babylon 5. J. Michael Straczynski made a similar comment while the show was running, saying that he already knew the ending… except that when circumstances changed (the original lead actor leaving the show) he changed the ending, making it the ending of that character’s story but not the overall series. B5 had its share of problems in its last season, but marrying the ending wasn’t one of them.

Exposition does not equal drama

Sure, fans of mythology shows want to find out the answers to all your mysteries. But those answers need to come out of drama and conflict, not just be parceled out in economy-size lumps of exposition (or worse yet, explained in post-series interviews.) We wanted to know who Head Six and Head Baltar were, but having them suddenly talk about God as if they spent weekends with him was not an interesting way to do it. We wanted to know the connection between the Colonies and present-day Earth: having a newscaster explain it was not an interesting way to do it. And so on…

Some revelations are optional, some are not

The producers of Lost have said that not every mystery raised in the show will be resolved. Well, good, but it’s important to discriminate between which mysteries the fans will accept you leaving unanswered (or otherwise defusing) and which they won’t. How do you know which is which? One clue is to look at the mysteries you yourself defined as important. For instance, BSG spent much of a season teasing us by having some characters hear bits of a mysterious tune. During the season finale, in a very well-executed and dramatic sequence, we discover that they’re actually hearing “All Along the Watchtower” – at which point the camera zooms out to a view of the whole galaxy, and zooms in to what is recognizably our Earth. Wow. So what was the significance of the song – why were they hearing it, and why that song? It’s obviously related to the mystery of the connection between the Colonies and our Earth – the equation is laid out for us visually in that sequence. So when Moore says (after the series is over) that the song didn’t have a significance… that there are just tunes that somehow reverberate through human (or Cylon) consciousness throughout time and space… we may feel just. A tad. Cheated.

Don’t give up the ’shippers

Remember what I said above about exposition not replacing conflict? This goes double for relationships between the characters. As much as we love learning about the mythology, a lot of viewers are even more invested in what happens to the characters, particularly their love lives. Don’t try to elide these issues or wrap them up too tidily. Avoid having characters fall out of airlocks or have their parentage retconned so that the writers don’t have to deal with them anymore. In improve, this is a kind of blocking called cancelling: instead of resolving the conflict that’s been raised in a scene, you come up with a reason why it just isn’t an issue. (“Oh no, a bear!” “It’s okay, he got caught in a bear trap.”) Look at the relationship between Kara/Starbuck and Lee/Apollo in BSG: on the most basic level, people wanted to know Will they wind up together? Was he her one true love, or were her feelings for him just another one of her self-destructive qualities? Not to mention her whole dying-and-coming-back-to-life thing, and the question of whether or not the Kara in the final season was the real one. So with that amount of screen time and fan speculation invested in a relationship, what you don’t do is have her disappear into thin air just when all the impediments to them being together have been removed. That’s not tragedy, it’s not irony, it’s just cancelling.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist, as is the latest edition of that thing I do with the making fun of commenters on the internets.

8:05: Okay I’m a bit late but I am totally stoked to do this because liveblogging awards shows is the coolest. Okay, so your host is Andre Braugher. Starting off with a musical number by Fergie. I guess they couldn’t get all of the Black-Eyed Peas. That’s why this show isn’t the Oscars. Although they’re holding it on this real swank ship this year! Kurt Russell looks worried, which is weird because I don’t think he’s nominated for anything.

8:07: Kurt Russell’s daughter is way hot. I think she might have been in movies. Hey, this year it appears that the producers are going more “reality show” and they’ve got backstage cameras doing, like, vignette things and stuff. Okay. I can grok that.

8:15: Kevin Dillon and Josh Lucas are playing poker. Can you do that at an awards show? I mean I don’t think they have a license. Those Hollywood types, just breaking the law on camera. Next up they’ll be snorting blow right onscreen! Because they’re Hollywood types.

8:20: Hey, I know that guy! He’s been in movies! And he’s a waiter? He’s waiting tables? Man, Hollywood has it in for Hispanic actors, I tell you what. This guy was on Scrubs as whatsername’s brother and he’s so hard up for cash he’s serving George Clooney drinks. Okay, I haven’t seen Clooney yet but presumably he’s here somewhere.

8:23: Holy shit, since when is Richard Dreyfuss gay? I thought I would’ve heard about that on the news or something. When the kid from Who’s The Boss said he was gay, that made it into newspapers, and who cares about that guy? Richard Dreyfuss is a name. You’d think he’s on par with Ellen, at least.

8:24: Then again, I suppose nowadays “X is gay” isn’t really much of a headline. Besides, the last thing I saw Richard Dreyfuss in was that movie where he pretended to be a jungle savage that was kind of racist. That movie sucked. Jenna Elfman was in it. She sucks too. What’s that new show she’s in where she’s pregnant and everybody is terrible? She is like a magic beacon of bad.

8:28: Holy shit the guy whose name I don’t remember is using the Golden Globes to smuggle in illegal immigrants! Glenn Beck isn’t going to shut up about this I tell you what.

8:31: Apparently there’s this big tidal wave that’s gonna hit the boat. I don’t know why they aren’t warning the Hollywood people. I guess they don’t want to panic America.

8:33: WHOA

8:34: THE HOLLYWOOD BOAT IS UPSIDE DOWN

8:35: Holy shit I think that was Seth Green falling to his death right there

8:36: on second thought no way Seth Green got invited to the Golden Globes

8:38: Seth Green is safe because he is Hollywood’s official “we can laugh at ourselves” guy but they never invite him to parties.

8:40: Andre Braugher is saying they should all stay put and help the wounded. Why is this guy hosting the Golden Globes, anyway? I mean, he’s a great actor, but we all know that Golden Globe anything is really about making bank and sucking dick. Was this originally going to be hosted by one of the late night TV hosts, and then the Leno thingie happened and now they’re all taking sides? So Hollywood sat down and said “okay guys we need somebody neutral and inoffensive to host, let’s get Andre Braugher.”

8:42: Kurt Russell is saying “no we have to go,” and he says he knows about boats and stuff. Maybe he owns a boat? I could see Kurt Russell owning a boat. Although where is George Clooney in all of this? I mean, as Clooney goes, you got to know Matt Damon and Julia Roberts will follow his lead, and if you have those three you gotta figure there’s critical mass.

8:47: Kurt Russell, his daughter, Josh Lucas, Richard Dreyfuss and a couple other people are leaving. Andre Braugher seals up the awards ceremony behind them. I guess Clooney made it clear that he was staying. Don’t fuck with Clooney.

8:50: HOLY SHIT KEVIN DILLON IS DEAD

8:51: I wonder how they handle that on Entourage. Will Drama die off-screen and Vince has to deal with it, furthering the “Vince has to grow up” storyline, or will they just get a new actor to play Drama?

8:52: I bet the former. Nobody else can be Drama.

8:55: Man that upside-down ballroom looks rough. I don’t see Clooney anywhere. Maybe they have a special escape pod for the really important stars. If I were producing the Golden Globes on a ship, I’d have an escape pod ready.

8:57: Although in my case I wouldn’t use it to save George Clooney. It would be me and Kate Winslet.

8:58: Although Kate Winslet is married. Maybe I should rethink that plan. Assuming she survives.

8:59: Actually come to think I bet most of the celebrities have already gone into their escape pods and left behind wives and girlfriends and husbands and boyfriends they don’t like anymore. That’s why you don’t recognize anybody on the ballroom ceiling/floor except for Andre Braugher and Fergie.

9:00: Hollywood is probably sick of Fergie. I bet there’s a bunch of other “hey what happened to” people filling out the floor. Your Topher Graces, your Josh DuHamels, your extraneous Wayanses.

9:03: Richard Dreyfuss just kicked that guy who was on Scrubs in the face so that he could live! (Richard Dreyfuss, not the guy from Scrubs.) Man, it is so true what they say about Hollywood being uber-competitive.

9:06: And there goes the ballroom as it collapses under a tidal wave of water. Assuming that the Clooney-level stars have already exited via their escape pods as previously discussed, I guess that means there’s a whole new wave of jobs open up in Hollywood now. Probably every show on the CW has three or four empty roles they’ll need to fill. This could be a gold mine, folks! Especially if you’re young, white, and good-looking in a bland sort of way. Extra points if your name is “Logan.”

9:08: I wonder why Richard Dreyfuss doesn’t get an escape capsule. I mean, you got to know Jack Nicholson had an escape capsule.

9:12: Aw, the illegal immigrant that Richard Dreyfuss was dragging along with him drowned or something. Bet you that doesn’t stop people from complaining about immigration, though.

9:15: Hey, it just occurred to me that if the escape pod theory isn’t workable, that means that Kurt Russell is currently the most bankable box-office draw in the world. How weird is that? Sure, he’s done a lot of good movies, but… it’s still Kurt Russell, you know?

9:16: And where’s Goldie Hawn in all of this? Maybe she decided she wasn’t in the mood to do the Golden Globes this year and she was all “no, honey, you go ahead.” I bet she feels all ironic now! Or something.

9:22: MGK just told me that instead of the Golden Globes, I have actually been watching Poseidon, a movie that was made three years ago and which was on TV. Apparently Drew Barrymore won an award. I think what I was watching was more plausible.

So I read that Sarah Palin is gonna get her own TV show and I was all “well I bet that will kind of suck” but then I thought about it some more and I was all “you know, there is no reason that this cannot be an entertaining show.” Because when you think about it, Sarah Palin is kind of crazy, and crazy can make for pretty good teevee when it is not, you know, all pitiful and such.

For example.

ANNOUNCER: And now it’s time for the Sarah Palin Shooooooow! This week, Sarah teaches us how to dress a turkey, how to reuse mothballs, and learns with us about which Korea is which. Our guests tonight are Glenn Reynolds, Dennis Miller and and Bo Derek! With us as always is Michelle Malkin And The Real American Orchestra! And your host, SAAAAAARAAAAAAAAH PAAAAAAAAAALINNNNN!
(applause, band playing instrumental version of “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas)
SARAH PALIN: Well gosh howdy hey and the what now!
(applause)
SARAH PALIN: We’ve got a great show for you this week, everybody. The Toddster and I have worked really hard on this week’s show and we even wrote all the cue cards ourselves, isn’t that right, Todd?
(cut to disgruntled cue card writer who is not Todd Palin holding cue cards, forcing smile)
SARAH PALIN: And give it up for Michelle Malkin and her orchestra of real American musicians playing real American music! How’s it going, Michelle?
MICHELLE MALKIN: Liberals are the poison in my morning buttermilk!
SARAH PALIN: Well you said it right there with those words, I tell you what. We’re going to bring out Glenn Reynolds in just a second, but first I want to talk to you all about a serious problem affecting America. I want to talk to you good people tonight about sales tax.
(concerned murmuring)
SARAH PALIN: Yeah, yeah. I know. See, the thing about sales tax is that it’s always there. You buy some lard, there’s sales tax. You buy a car, there’s sales tax. And I get it, we have to pay taxes so that the fat cats in Washington can spend it on quote unquote social justice.
(boos)
SARAH PALIN: Well that’s how the system works, doesn’t it? But here’s what I’ve got to ask you: should we really have to pay sales tax on Bibles? I mean, can you tax salvation? Can you tax the Good Word? After all, remember what Jesus did to the tax collectors – he threw them out of the temple, gosh darnit!
(cheers)
SARAH PALIN: So I call on the legislators of America to reflect the concerns of real working everyday hard Americans and make sure that nobody pays sales tax on Bibles! You mail your Congressmen and your Senators, and we’ll get this thing done!
(cheers)
SARAH PALIN: And in the meantime, why doncha all look under your seats there?
(audience does so, screams of delight)
SARAH PALIN: That’s right! You get a Bible! And you get a Bible! And you get a Bible! And you get a Bible! You all get Bibles! And these aren’t just any Bibles, these are gold-plated super-Bibles! The word of God doesn’t get any more glamourous than this! Isn’t that right, Tippy the Patriotic Squirrel?
TIPPY THE PATRIOTIC SQUIRREL: American nuts are the best nuts!
SARAH PALIN: You said it, Tippy! We’re going to take a commercial break, but we’ll be back after the break when Glenn Reynolds teaches us all to do an exotic hula dance!

My weekly TV column et cetera.