So I am watching The Good Wife which is a TV show that is all “what if a cheating politician’s wife had to be a lawyer and defend innocent people from the electric chair?” (Except that that’s not quite right because she is not defending from the electric chair. If lawyers had to do that nobody would ever be a lawyer.) And I am thinking “that’s good, but I bet I can make it better.” Like, what if the Good Wife, instead of having to be a lawyer, had to be a fireman? People like firemen! And she could fight fires and save kittens from trees. Do firemen still save kittens from trees, or is that something that never actually happened? I can never keep track.
Or wait, what if The Good Wife, instead of having to be a fireman or lawyer, had to be a cowboy? And she would herd cattle through New York City. I bet you could do that with computers. A long time ago I read this screenwriting book where they were saying that if you weren’t a star writer you couldn’t start off a screenplay with a thousand camels charging the camera, but now thanks to computers you can do that. Heck, you could probably do ten thousand camels. Or would that be too many camels? Is there really such a thing as too many camels?
I mean, I suppose if you’re in a zoo you could have too many camels, because all the other animals would have to share space with camels, and camels spit so the other animals would be in a bad mood. So would the zookeepers, probably. But then again, “too many camels” is a better problem to have than “too many lions.” The camels just spit. The lions would eat you. Hey, what if the Good Wife was a lion? Well. Lioness. But imagine this lioness defending criminals from the electric chair! Er, the criminals would go in the electric chair, not the lioness. I don’t think a lioness would fit in an electric chair. Maybe an electric couch.
Now, an electric couch, that seems like it would be more efficient for executing people than an electric chair. You could do ten at a time.
Anyway, so we’ve got the Good Wife who is now a lioness fireman. She eats the Dalmatian at the firehouse (all firehouses have Dalmatians, it’s a rule) and becomes their new mascot. Also she is a lawyer. Isn’t this a way better show already? Like, imagine an episode where the Good Wife and her fire brigade get called out to a fire, but the building is owned by a herd of antelope! What does she do? What does she do? Clearly, she goes and puts all the antelope on an electric couch, and then serves antelope steaks to the hungry firemen before telling her cheating ex-husband (who is a camel) that she’s stronger now that they’re apart.
See? My version is better.
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28 users responded in this post
Now, an electric couch, that seems like it would be more efficient for executing people than an electric chair. You could do ten at a time.
May I suggest an electric sectorial? It can seat 12 (if they’re hefty) to 16 (if they’re sticks)!
Seriously, would watch that lioness show.
So the show sucks then?
Your thought process frightens me to no end.
That was insane.
500 bees is too many bees. I’ve never done the math for camels.
Need more cowbell.
Wow..cocaine really is a helluva drug…
Every time he posts, I become more and more convinced that Flapjacks is just some sort of id-based multiple personality that overcomes MGK every once and a a while.
Up to a certain point, that was right on target, then it went off the rails. But I honestly don’t know WHERE, so that’s probably just me…
So wrong, and yet, so right.
its like the ramblings of an 8-year-old. I love it.
Following this stream of consciousness is vaguely like wandering without guide or direction in a major metropolitan area. You don’t know precisely where you’ll end up, and there’s a small but significant chance that you might be putting yourself into terrible danger, but you haven’t died yet.
This being said, hells yes would I watch Lioness: Firefighting Attorney At Law. I can see it now. She’d be all like “I move to adjourn, because the courthouse is on fire and the defendant (a zebra) is smellin’ delicious.” Or the prosecution team, made up entirely of gazelles. Or something.
… Really, you’d think that they’d know better than to mess with Good Wife, firefighting attorney at law, who’s also a LIONESS.
I actually work in the business affairs department that covers this show, and I will be printing this out and giving it to the appropriate VP in about 30 seconds. I wouldn’t hold your breath, but a boy can dream, can’t he? 😛
“See? My version is better.”
I don’t doubt that.
Her response:
“**** Your proposal is BRILLIANT.
**** And, far more entertaining that the series.”
HA!
Now I want to see a show about a blog writer who attempts to get work in the entertainment industry while at the same time occasionally posting crazy shit under an assumed name. Instead, his alter ego gets the job writing TV scripts! Zaniness ensues as our hero has to balance his legal career against his entertainment career, knowing full well that should either world find out about his secret work in the other then he’ll never work in this town again. And by “this town” I mean “Canada.”
Or, you know, MGK is just the psychologically stable manifestation of Flapjack.
FLAPJACKS
I LOVE YOU
YOUR BRAIN IS MAGNIFICENT
PLEASE BECOME PRESIDENT OF HOLLYWOOD
@Zifnab
That’s entirely possible.
I wish Flapjacks had his own blog so I could read his opinions without also having to read MGK talk about politics. Flapjacks writes like an oiled gazelle.
But would lioness firefighter save kittens from trees or not?
Why don’t you just turn the movie Deathrow Gameshow into a TV series?
Needs more monkeys.
And the monkeys should be wearing little smoking jackets and hats.
The real question is why are you watching The Good Wife in the first place? Unless this is the first in a series of blogs rating new shows by their camel presence, or lack thereof.
@Clayton:
Actually there was a movie like that. Except it was twin brothers. One wrote good movies. The other wrote drivel Michael Bay would love. Guess who got successful?
…I honestly don’t recall what the movie’s name is though. Written by the same guy who did the Being John Malkovich Screenplay.
Adaptation. Donald Kaufman’s screenplay was remarkably similar to the extremely obvious twist in Identity.
Adaptation also has the weirdness of being a sort of kind of adaptation of the Orchid Thief. By which I mean, it’s what would happen if Flapjacks rewrote the Orchid Thief into a movie.
The one time a cat actually did get stuck up in a tree next to my home, I tried everything to get it down and nothing was working. It suddenly dawned on me that there was a fire department three blocks away. So I walk down to them and explain the situation.
“Yeah, we don’t actually do that,” said the fireman.
Eventually a news reporter talked a cable repair truck into using their cherry picker to get the cat down. I can’t remember why a news crew was hanging around (unless it was an extremely slow news day and “Cat Stuck In Tree” was the biggest story they could find.