Last time on Thursday Who’s Who, we examined a successful spear-carrier in the All-Star Squadron. And most of the Squadron were spear-carriers, when you get down to it: they can’t all be slumming members of the Justice Society (or Johnny Quick). A lot of guys in domino masks who punch baddies. This is how it was done in the old days, see.
However, there are degrees of how awesome these guys are. Tarantula, for example, is pretty cool. But Neptune Perkins? This guy is a schmuck. Initially he had the good sense to realize that the “superpower” of having to immerse himself in saltwater every day or die was not exactly grade-A superheroing material, but then he went and joined the All-Star Squadron’s Young All-Stars adjunct, presumably because with Tsunami on the team what they needed was another aquatic hero to emphasize how cool she was.
Seriously: no powers. He’s not super-strong from a life in the depths – he’s fit, sure, but not even, like, Captain America strong. He can’t breathe water (he can hold his breath for seven minutes, which means that he can’t even listen to all of “D’You Know What I Mean?” by Oasis whilst underwater). He’s not a super-swimmer (although his webbed feet give him the ability to swim as strongly as… somebody with a pair of flippers!).
How useless is Neptune Perkins? He is so useless that when he grew up, he eventually became a U.S. Senator. That is how useless Neptune Perkins is.
Also: his most prominent role in comics was serving as the Old Guy Who Doesn’t Get It in Young Justice. That is a damn useless character.
Related Articles
30 users responded in this post
I have no idea how, but in my youth I (or one of my brothers) acquired a single issue of All-Star Squadron. That issue was the one where Perkins and Quick get captured by the sub, mentioned above. As I recall, his main usefulness was he was able to make some snide comments to Johnny Quick.
It is neat seeing someone I recognize in one of these.
What’s that he’s holding, a sketchbook? Underwater?
To be fair, this is something of a more balanced look at mutation. I mean, not every mutation is necessarily going to e beneficial to the subject, even in a ‘hey, I’m Rogue and I can’t touch anyone but on the plus side, I now have your superpowers’ sort of way. Every now and again, you’re going to run into someone with diabetes DESPITE HAVING NO FAMILIAL HISTORY! (Look out, Defective Pancreas Man!) Strange how none of the anti-mutant activists get upset with the mutant who has a severely increased risk of skin cancer, huh?
I’ll grant you ‘needing to be immersed in sea water or die’ is a trifle more exotic than either of those, but you can kind of see where it’s coming from. If he had the ability to actually _breathe_ underwater, he could have been a hero – and maybe his son will be able to! That’s evolution on a generational level! Bam!… At least in comic book terms, where we jump straight from ‘normal person’ to ‘laser vision’.
Didn’t he get offed during one of the big crowd scenes in IC?
Damn, that’s pathetic. I’m shocked he made double digits.
How did he ever get webbed boots?
Also, absorbs necessary sodium ions through his skin…..waterproof skin.
I’ve a feeling his epidermis is worth a whole heckuva lot more than he is.
Ugh.. I remember this guy. 13% is way too good for him.
Tsunami was pretty badass though.
Poor guy didn’t even come with matching webbed fingers, he had to go buy gloves. I guess he only rates a 13% because “Neptune” is kind of a sweet name.
It’s like they took Prince Namor and Aquaman aside and said, “We need to recreate you guys, but as completely and utterly useless in every way.” I mean, all the hallmarks of an undersea hero – royal lineage, super strength, the simple ability to breath underwater… what the hell were they thinking? This guy isn’t super anything. He’s just got a very bizarre handicap. Why isn’t he a Batman villain?
Was’t he (along with Iron Monroe and some others) a post-crisis replacement for the heroes Roy Thomas lost access to?
No; even if Perkins didn’t predate the “replacing” (which he does, both as having actually first appeared in Golden Age comics and then in the initial All-Star Squadron run), Roy Thomas never really used the pre-Crisis Earth-2 Aquaman, for a number of reasons that are fairly obvious (IE, why would you?).
The Young All-Star “replacements” were “Iron” Munro (for Superman), Flying Fox (for Batman) and Fury (for Wonder Woman).
I CAN’T be the only one who saw this and heard his name the same way as the WoW video meme guy. “NEEEEEEEEPtune Perkins!” (“LEEEEEEEEEEEroy Jenkins!” was the original). I can’t.
So did he get his powers from being related to Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom” host Marlin Perkins?
WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN.
Is he standing on a dead walrus?
You neglected to mention his ignominious end. Getting bitten in half by third-rate villain King Shark in Infinite Crisis. That should drop him a few percentage points.
Come on. Dude man is sporting elbow-length gloves, knee-high boots, a very ladylike haircut and underpants in what is clearly a bad part of the, um, ocean. There must be depths of very confident bad-assery at work here that we just can’t see.
This is the guy the Superfriends version of Aquaman openly mocked.
@equinox216: At least he has chicken of the sea.
is he related to Carl Perkins? does he have an underwater rockabilly kingdom? have you guys heard Elvis Perkins? they’re pretty good
Everyone has to have someone to look down on, and Neptune Perkins is who Aquaman thinks of whenever he’s talking with Superman.
“Well, I may be totally outclassed, but at least I’m not Neptune Perkins.”
I agree with Lightlyfrosted. It makes sense that in a world filled with metahumans, aliens, and mutants there would also be people with strange but mostly useless powers that barely overcome their associated disabilities. I also like the way that Mr. Perkins has apparently not made heroing the focus of his life but helps out when he can; we can only hope that Michael Phelps will have the same freelancing spirit should we ever get ourselves into another transpacific war.
On the other hand: Was it really necessary for his father to raise him in a tub of brine? You could literally treat this guy with a placebo.
This would have been slightly more impressive to me if I had never played “The Secret of Monkey Island”. Guybrush Threepwood can hold his breath for TEN.
Neptune Perkins just doesn’t have the same tasty frozen pie selection as the I-70 Perkins near St. Louis.
He’s also an accomplished thief. It takes daring and skill to slip past Atlantean royal security to steal Aquaman’s underpants.
His base of operations is “A houseboat that operates off the East and West coasts of the United States.”
Houseboats, in general, aren’t built for travel on waters with rougher currents than lakes or large rivers. They’re also not going to be terribly fast.
I’m assuming a lot of time passes between Neptune Perkins’ adventures, seeing as how he’ll either need to spend the better part of a year navigating the full length of the Americas and somehow making his way past Cape Horn, or dragging the houseboat across dry land.
Those are his only alternatives, because I just don’t see him scraping together enough money to regularly pay passage fees through the Panama Canal.
So he has to keep wet all the time, and his teammate could control water? Diiirty.
Oh, come on, there’s loads of untapped potential in this guy! He’s a senator, sure, but you just ASSUME that he’s ‘shirtless Harry Reid in short-shorts’.
But for all we know, Neptune Perkins is considered the Paul Wellstone of the DC Universe. Imagine if Paul Wellstone was not only brave, visionary, and prescient, but could punch bad guys’ teeth out. Sure, his POWERS suck, but maybe his skilled oratory, long, flowing hair, and manly, manly chest (don’t tell me THAT wouldn’t make the hearts of certain senators from Kentucky and South Carolina flutter) would be the little edge we need to get comprehensive health reform passed.
Neptune Perkins. Dumb superhero. Awesome senator.
Glares at BlackMage.
Have you seen our current stock of U.S. Senators?
OK, so it’s not STATISTICALLY likely. But Wiki tells me he’s a Democrat, so there’s at least a 10% chance he’s going to be A-OK. I mean, if you flip a coin enough times, eventually you get the side that shows Russ Feingold with a thumbs-up, or something.