So I been thinking that it’s time I stopped working at the pet store because seriously, the pet store sucks. You’re over by the doggy bins and you’re marking down the puppies because they’re a month old now and they just look at you like “if you drop my price by another two hundred dollars can I have a family pleeeeeeease?” And then you look over at this one basset hound who’s not even a puppy anymore and you’ve marked him down four times now so he’s only five hundred dollars and he’s just given up on everything, he just lies in the corner waiting for the end he knows is coming.
Also, the pay sucks. They could at least pay me thirteen dollars an hour to take care of the depressed dogs, and also the depressed cats and the depressed parrot and the lizards, who are probably not depressed but are kind of stupid.
So it’s time for a new job! And I have decided that I am going to be a published author! Now I know what you are thinking, you are thinking “but Flapjacks you have never ever written anything except awesome blog entries which totally steal the show from MGK, how will you become the next Stephen King? Will it involve murder?” No! Of course it will not involve murder. Murder doesn’t get you published. Unless you kill somebody really really famous and important and then get a successful insanity defense and then thirty years later all is forgiven and you write a memoir. Or if you are O.J. Simpson. But regardless neither of these options appeals to me, so murder is right out.
No, I will become a famous published author on the virtue of my prose. My book is tentatively titled The Civil War Never Happened. (I need a better title. Maybe The Lie Between The States. Or something catchy. One of you come up with something! I am too busy becoming a published author to think of a title!) It is about how the Civil War never actually happened, and all that stuff you hear about the Civil War is just a toxic smokescreen invented by liberals to make real patriotic Americans feel bad about loving their country.
Consider!
– Civil War theorists claim that the Civil War happened between the United States of America and the Confederate States of America. But this eminently makes no sense. For starters, in the beginning, there was just a United States of America… and nowadays, there is just a United States of America. Do these Civil War theorists seriously claim that a whole other country just showed up one day, and then ever so conveniently went away? Don’t you think that’s just a little suspicious? Who do these liberals think they’re kidding?
– Civil War theorists claim that the Civil War happened because of slavery. But if it happened because of slavery, then where did all the slaves go? Kind of handy for them to just stop being slaves, all at once! That’s like, supposedly, a million people or so! Who all decided to quit their job! Can you imagine what that would do to the economy today if everybody who worked at Taco Bell (which, I have it on good authority, is just like slavery) just up and quit? It would be chaos! And yet, the Civil War theorists would have you believe that these ex-slaves just all went and got new jobs and the U.S. economy was fine and dandy. Uh-huh.
– Civil War theorists would have you believe that there is ample evidence that slavery happened. However, this is all based on a misconception. See, one of the great extinct species of North America, like the dodo and the passenger pigeon, is the polled slaverford (pronounced “SLAV-eh-ford”), a curiously thin-necked breed of cattle. Modern-day “historians” have mistaken records of the great slaverford drives of the south for ownership of people, and tarred honest Southern cattle barons with crimes against humanity which they did not even commit! They pull forth slaverford chains, which were used to drive herds of the cattle across the Southern prairies, and mistakenly assume that they are intended for use on humans. You could almost pity these poor liberal academics who have never been out in the real world, and therefore do not know that the polled slaverford was hunted to death by Irish immigrants in the early 20th century, and that mention of the slaverford in history books was excised by President Kennedy in order to protect his ancestors’ honour.
– Liberal imagineers claim that the Stars and Bars is a “Confederate” battle flag, but in fact there is ample evidence which you can read about in my book which makes it clear that the Stars and Bars was a reward given to the thirteen most patriotic-est states of the Union by Abraham Lincoln himself!
– Civil War believers claim that the Civil War cost the lives of over 200,000 men. However, what they fail to account for is that during the supposed dates of the Civil War, there were no less than three smallpox epidemics as well as a cholera pandemic, dengue, tuberculosis, dropsy, okie-pokie-smokie, and the dreaded “Iowa flu.” It didn’t take a war to kill all those men: they just all got sick and died in a perfect storm of bacteria! Those bodies with bullets in them? Brave American soldiers, both wearing the Blue of the Army and the original Gray of the Marine Corps Auxiliary Marching Band (people really liked their marches in the 19th century), who committed suicide rather than take up valuable doctoring resources, making the ultimate patriotic sacrifice for Mom and apple pie.
– Why the Lie? (Oooh, maybe that should be the sub-title.) Why perpetuate the lie that is the Civil War? Clearly, it is the work of liberal academics out of touch with Real America, who are in cahoots with big business interests like Big Costume, Big Fake Historical Rifles, Big Camping Supplies and Big Bugle. Seriously, did you really, really think there was a place called “Appamattox” before 1943? World War II was the excuse this dreadful conspiracy needed to rewrite American history! While brave young soldiers were off fighting Hitler and… uh… the Japanese leader guy, the imagineers were going around inventing a new history so that when they got home, they’d feel guilty about being Southern, because liberals hate hush puppies and bluegrass music! And then they would have the gall to profit off them! Doesn’t that make you mad as all heck?
So anyways, that’s my book, and even as I finish up this blog post I have already gotten four offers to publish the book before I even hit “publish” in WordPress, so I’m totally sure this is going to work out just fine, guys oh my god I’m gonna make so much money. Do they make swimming pools for money like they do in Uncle Scrooge comics? I bet those are awesome in real life.
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Ohh! I know a point you missed! The Civil War theorists call it the “civil war”, but everybody with more than two braincells knows that war is military business! Civilians do not wage war! Or, in the words of the immortal poet Axl Rose: What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?
Therefore “civil war” is a contradiction in terms and can never have happened.
Will you mention me in your book when it comes out?
You should tell this story from the POV of a young out-of-work 20-something Civil War re-enactor who’s, like, the best Civil War re-enactor EVER and just before the big Civil War re-enactment that’s going to raise money to save the local Civil War museum, he discovers hidden documents signed by Abraham Lincoln himself that prove there was no Civil War, and then he gets attacked by an elite squad of robots in Confederate uniforms that were actually built for Jefferson Davis by Robert Gatling, and he has to run from one historical site to another in order to reveal to the world that the Civil War never happened and America has always been awesome and above reproach. And then he finds Mark Twain’s old time machine, goes back in time and accidentally starts the Civil War, which, like, totally blows everyone’s mind.
He will somehow be played by both Tom Hanks and Bruce Willis in the movie.
I have it on good authority that the Civil War happened because of vampires.
Title ideas:
Men are from mars, Civil War believers are from Pluto, which totally isn’t even a planet any more so who are you going to believe anyway?
If you believe in the Civil War, I have a message for you from the President of Nigeria.
Just the idea that lazy Southerns could get off their porches and stop marrying their cousins long enough to fight off New Yorkers is offensive to all rational human beings.
Flapjacks is the greatest thinker of our time.
@CDub: Shouldn’t it be a movie with Nick Cage called National Treasure 3: Vortex of Time?
I bet those crazy liberals would also tell us that Captain America and Iron Man disagreed over policy, and got into a huge fight! That would clearly never happen, as they are both super-heroes, and more importantly, friends!
@CB: You’re right. I did just channel the plot to National Treasure 3. So, yes. Replace the Tom Hanks/Bruce Willis hybrid with Nick Cage and make it the third entry in the franchise.
However, in this one (going by the end of the last one), he’ll apparently have the President along for the ride, which makes the National Treasure universe a universe I want to live in. I want to live in any universe where there’s so little going on in the world that the US President has time to go adventuring with Nicholas Cage.
Lincoln’s Big Lie: Brother vs Brother vs The Truth
or
Confederacy of Dunces II: The Rise of Dishonest Abe
Flapjacks: Sadly, Glenn Beck already exists, so you can’t get this job. 🙂
Great idea Flapjacks. I can’t wait till the sequel when you disprove Vietnam and the Civil Rights Movement as well. We gotta take real murca back from the fake limousine liberals tryin’ to tell us we’ve “made mistakes” and “should try to make up for them”!
This only pales before the huge Liberal lie about all the land in this country being stolen from Indians. India is clear on the other side of the world! What would Indians be doing with all this land in American in the first place? You should cover that in your next book.
Moon Landing 2: Gettysburg Boogaloo
So Flapjacks is really Glenn Beck?
@CDub: Wow, you weren’t parodying National Treasure on purpose?
Flapjacks: “Hush puppies” like the shoes? Or like the Southern fried delicacy? …Or like the depressed dog?
I will accept your theory about the Civil War, but only if the South will finally just accept that fact that in late 1864, most of Georgia just spontaneously busrt into flame. General Sherman and his soldiers were just marching to the sea to get some water to put out all of those spontaneous fires!
And a general named “Hooker?” Yeah, rite.
Titles for Flapjacks’s masterpiece:
“THE WAR OF NORTHERN DECEPTION”
“A HOUSE NOT DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF STANDS JUST FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH”
“JUMP DOWN, TURN AROUND, PICK A BALE OF FABRICATED HISTORY”
If Flapjacks is really Glenn Beck, does that mean Glenn Beck is actually Canadian?
I really can’t finish this post at the moment because that opening paragraph is way to depressing.
Lister Sage-sad puppies are one of the saddest things I can think of.
“Even as I finish up this blog post I have already gotten four offers to publish the book before I even hit “publish” in WordPress”
How many of them from crazy right-wing publishers?
@SmR: Not that exact movie, no. I was just going for “hokey action thriller with fake history”.
Flapjacks, right this book, and Michelle Malkin WILL marry you.
Er. Write this book, that is.
Although, with the crowd you’re pandering to, ‘righting’ books does seem appropriate.
The only problem here is that the crowd you’re trying to sell to don’t cotton to none of this fancy “book learnin.” yer tryin ta pass off. Everyone knows that written language is an invention of them fancy eastern liberals.
The written language is an invention of them fancy eastern liberals, and movies and TV are the work of those godless Hollywood liberals, so clearly vision itself is the most liberal of the senses, and should never be trusted. ONLY BELIEVE WHAT YOU CAN TASTE!
If I may be annoyingly pedantic, the Stars and Bars and the Confederate Battle Flag are not the same thing. The Battle Flag is the one you always see. The Stars and Bars, which was the official national flag of the Confederacy was similar to the US flag, but with only two red stripes across the top and bottom, and a white stripe in between (the bars), and with a dark blue field in the upper left with a circle of stars (the stars). People are always getting the two flags confused.
The Stars and Bars tends to be even more heavily associated with White Supremacy than the Battle Flag.
Flapjacks, if you’re working in a pet store, I would expect you would KNOW something about animals. Now, I grant you that the slaverford is a rather obscure animal – practically unknown since the WWII coverup – but everyone who does know about them knows perfectly well that they are a smaller sort of brontosaurus.
Get your facts straight!
I’m gonna go ahead and vocalize what all of you were thinking.
The title of this work _must_ be “I Don’t Need Your Civil War”.
Well now I know what it’s like to have bits of my brain attempt to escape out of my ears and make a break for it.
Luckily I have ear plugs.