Somebody once told me, “if you want to make a good action movie, get an American to direct. If you want a good comedy, you get an Englishman. And if you want a good war movie, you get a German.”

On that note: Die Fälscher (The Counterfeiters) is quite possibly the best World War II movie in quite a long time, and certainly one of the best of this year. If you get the chance, see it. Trust me on this one – it’s goddamned amazing.

MOVIE: Superbad
PLOT SUMMARY Heroically-loserish teenagers attempt to get booze for big party to impress the girls they like
MOVIE EQUALS American Pie plus Revenge of the Nerds
DIRECTED BY Greg Mottola
WHO LAST DIRECTED a bunch of TV, most notably episodes of Arrested Development
WAS THAT ANY GOOD? Fuck, it’s Arrested Development, you have to ask?
STARRING Michael Cera as quiet, goodnatured loser, Jonah Hill as nervously-loudmouthed goodnatured loser, Christopher Mintz-Plasse as classic Poindexter type, Seth Rogen as crazy renegade cop A and Bill Hader as crazy renegade cop B
ARE THEY ANY GOOD? Yes, and more, they’re all pretty goddamned funny
SO I HEAR THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS MOVIE EVER I don’t quite think it qualifies in that regard, but it never ceases to be entertaining, it has some truly classic lines (most of which are stupendously off-colour), and it never gets boring – compare to a lot of mediocre Will Ferrell vehicles which have two or three genius moments and then a whole lot of padding, and this comes out way ahead
BEST PERFORMANCE Jonah Hill, who just inhabits his character totally
MOST LIKELY TO BE THE “AUSTIN POWERS” REFERENCE PEOPLE SAY AT YOU ENDLESSLY UNTIL YOU WANT TO STRANGLE THEM “McLovin”
SOMEONE CALLED THIS MOVIE SEXIST I’ve seen the argument in a few places, as regards the fact that the girls are, by and large, not largely represented in the movie beyond being sexual quest-objects for the boys, but it’s not really fair – the movie is about the misadventures of two teenaged boys, who are going to frame everything in terms of sex; moreover, although they don’t get much screen time, the girls assert themselves and aren’t subservient to anybody’s whims
SO YOU’RE SAYING… Don’t go to a film that is eighty percent dick jokes if you’re looking for a narrative about female empowerment, maybe
AWARDS? Not happening
IF THIS MOVIE WERE AN ICE CREAM FLAVOR IT WOULD BE Fudge caramel ripple
WORTH Full price

When a press screening of a romantic dramedy gets a good round of laughs from the assembled critics when it’s supposed to be funny, that’s at least a solid double.

(No, not saying which film it was yet. I will say it was a bit predictable, and at times a bit forced, but the performances were excellent. And it’s airing at the Toronto International Film Festival.)

SCENE. A studio BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting in his office.

BIGWIG: I find myself in a disagreeable mood, boys.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Oh, no!
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: We’ll do anything to make it better!
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: They really will.
BIGWIG: I appreciate that. But I need only answers. How much money has Underdog made?
FIRST: Well, it has made about thirty-two million dollars.
BIGWIG: And how much did it cost us?
THIRD: Production cost about sixty. Advertising probably ran us another five to ten.
BIGWIG: Yes. I know the numbers. I was asking for rhetorical purposes. The actual question being asked was “why has Underdog not made us a very large pile of money?”
THIRD (shrugging): It’ll probably end up covering its budget after about a year of DVD rentals and sales. Maybe some of the television buys as well.
BIGWIG: …so you’re saying it will make a profit?
THIRD (recognizing a trap when he sees one): Oh heavens no. It’ll come very close to making a profit.
FIRST: But it won’t make one.
SECOND: Forrest Gump lost money, so how could Underdog turn a profit? I ask you.
BIGWIG: Again, you are answering appropriately but you are not telling me what I need to know here.
FIRST: Bad timing. Underdog arrived at the height of a cat paradigm.
SECOND: Yes. Everybody wants to see cats speaking broken English and talking about cheeseburgers. Don’t worry, I’m on it. Lolcats: The Movie is already in pre-production.
THIRD: The talking dog looked creepy, the jokes sucked, and somebody cast James Belushi in it.
BIGWIG stares at him.
THIRD: But mostly it was the dog. We need to get new CGI guys.
BIGWIG: Indeed. However, I feel we need to get away from lighter fare and make a gritty picture for older people.
FIRST: A costume drama! We’ll take a Jane Austen novel and film it! Demi Moore is… uh… one of those Jane Austen ladies!
SECOND: But they’re all cyborgs! In the future! And they all speak hacker! Pride and Net-judice!
FIRST: And then the dinosaur attacks!
SECOND: And then they travel through time!
THIRD: Oh god, it’s Van Helsing all over again.
BIGWIG: Mmm. Yes. While your ideas are of course valued, I already have a concept in place that I have licensed from a popular video game. We shall make Dungeon Siege: The Movie.
FIRST: I played that!
THIRD: Uh huh.
SECOND: I like World of Warcraft better.
THIRD: That explains why you were missing for those six months, but why are you here now?
SECOND: You proposition one fourteen-year-old girl for sex and everybody gets all up in your face like it’s a big deal.
BIGWIG: Gentlemen! I can see you’re excited about this. So let’s brainstorm.
FIRST: …orcs!
SECOND: An evil sorcerer!
FIRST: Who will overrun the good kingdom with his orcs! The humans will be outnumbered!
SECOND: And the only way you can stop him is by destroying his magic ring!
FIRST: And we’ll have lots of scenes of them walking across gorgeous mountain ranges!
THIRD sighs.
BIGWIG: A good start, although maybe we’ll lose the ring bit. It sounds kind of gay.
THIRD: Sure.
BIGWIG: However, we will need righteous action movie action in this. So I have already contacted Jason Statham and he will be our hero!
FIRST: He’s British! That means he’s classy!
SECOND: I smell Oscar!
THIRD: I actually am not filled with dread over this decision.
BIGWIG: I also think we shall need a sidekick. Who shall be Jason Statham’s comic relief sidekick?
FIRST: John Rhys-Davies! He can be a dwarf!
SECOND: Or a troll!
FIRST: A dwarf-troll!
THIRD: How about Ron Perlman? He got good press after Hellboy, and everybody likes him.
BIGWIG: Sound reasoning. We shall get Ron Perlman. And John Rhys-Davies, why not. But he will not play a dwarf, for he is a large fat man, and I don’t understand how they made that work in Lord of the Rings without having him bend over a whole lot.
THIRD: …wait, what? Seriously?
BIGWIG: I have also contacted Burt Reynolds to play the heroic king.
THIRD: Ah. There we go.
BIGWIG: And upon reflection, Matthew Lillard would make an excellent villanous duke.
FIRST: You might not know this, but Matthew Lillard’s first major screen role was as a villain in Scream.
THIRD: Actually it was as a comic relief hacker in Hackers.
SECOND: You see Angelina Jolie’s tits in that if you pause at the right moment.
THIRD: And I’m sure you’ve checked that for yourself.
SECOND: You also get to see her tits in Firefox. She wasn’t even legal then!
BIGWIG: And David Hasselhoff shall be our villain!
THIRD: We can’t get him. He’s busy on America’s Got Talent.
BIGWIG: Really? Damn. He was central to my vision for this movie.
THIRD: What’s your vision for this movie?
BIGWIG: That it makes us a lot of money without actually profiting us in any way according to our accountants.
FIRST: Wait! Wait! I have an idea! How about we get somebody else and have him pretend to be David Hasselhoff? We can even make him wear black leather with a high collar! Ooh, and he can fluff up his hair like David Hasselhoff does!
SECOND: Ray Liotta just sold his house to Britney Spears. He probably needs money if he’s selling property. I bet we can get him for a song.
BIGWIG: Excellent. Gentlemen, it’s all coming together. But now we have scheduling issues. I need this shot in two weeks or so. That way, we can release it in January.
THIRD (coughs as he drinks his coffee): Two weeks? Sir, I know you’ve got the magic touch and all, but that’s impossible. I mean, Uwe Boll couldn’t churn out a movie… that… fast…
THIRD trails off as BIGWIG looks at him, clearly amused. Meanwhile, FIRST and SECOND look horrified.
BIGWIG: I bet you he can. All right, gentlemen, go get the contracts signed. I want to see a promotional campaign by Monday.
BIGWIG exits.
FIRST: I don’t believe that you mentioned Uwe Boll.
SECOND: I mean, that’s just wrong.
THIRD: Oh, shut up.

Originally written July 9th, 2007.

SCENE. A STUDIO BIGWIG and THREE JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting at a table.

BIGWIG: Gentlemen! I’m glad you could all arrive for today’s meeting.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Glad to!
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Always!
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: If we didn’t, you’d fire us.
BIGWIG: Yes. Now, after our recent bit of brilliance with Fat Albert, I have called you here today to discuss other properties we might turn into films. For example, I have procured the rights to Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, and I understand Bob Oedekerk is interested in directing it.
SECOND: I love his thumb movies! He should do it all in thumbs!
BIGWIG: Indeed. However, that’s a secondary priority. Right now, our main concern is making a movie of Alvin and the Chipmunks.
THIRD: They already did that.
BIGWIG: What?
THIRD: They already made one. The Chipmunk Adventure. In 1987, with much higher animation quality than was in the series. It even had the Chipettes.
FIRST: I think I saw one of the Chipettes in Playboy once.
THIRD: You’re an idiot.
BIGWIG: Now, now. I think you misunderstand. I am not talking about a cartoon version of the movie.
The BIGWIG pulls out a large POSTER MOCKUP.
THIRD (under his breath): Oh dear God.
FIRST: Yes! Box office gold!
SECOND: Do I smell Oscar? I think I do!
FIRST: And I love the animated human looking at them!
BIGWIG: No, he’s real.
SECOND: My god! You got Tom Hanks!
THIRD: It’s not Tom Hanks.
FIRST: He looks like Tom Hanks.
SECOND: A very Hanksish quality, indeed.
THIRD: It’s frigging Jason Lee.
BIGWIG: Indeed it is. We got him for a song. Luckily this was before that redneck karma show came along and brought his career back from the dead.
FIRST: May I just say that I love that you’ve updated the image of the Chipmunks? Before they were just these chipmunks. Now, they are cool.
SECOND: Dare I hope that these new and improved Chipmunks will do a rap?
THIRD: Oh, I think it’s guaranteed they’ll do a rap.
BIGWIG: Precisely. They will be rapping chipmunks. We’re considering changing the title to Alvin and the Rapmunks.
FIRST: I love it!
SECOND: Rapmunks!
THIRD: Rapmunks.
BIGWIG: However, they will also need to be street, and have attitude. I did some research, and previously Alvin was the cool rascal, Simon was the brainy nerd, and Theodore was the fat loser. Now, Alvin is fine, but Simon and Theodore need to be revamped to appeal to today’s modern youth.
FIRST: Idea! Simon is a weapons expert! He knows everything about every type of weapon, and can kill a man at ten paces with a thrown spork!
SECOND: Not bad, but how about this? Simon is a computers expert! He knows all about the World Wide Web, and hacking, and reeking!
THIRD: I think you mean “phreaking.”
BIGWIG: These suggestions are excellent, gentlemen. Simply excellent. Kids love smart people when they blow things up with their smartness. But how do we deal with Theodore? The agreement stipulates that Theodore still has to be the fat one.
FIRST: He’s a master chef! And an explosives expert!
THIRD: Why would a master chef be – no, never mind.
SECOND: Actually, Chief, I think my compadre here is going the wrong way with this. See, Alvin, I’m figuring, is the one who gets by on daring and charm and charisma, right?
BIGWIG: Exactly. Reckless devil-may-care.
SECOND: And since Simon is going to be the genius member of the team, that means we need some comic relief, am I right?
FIRST: Yes! Theodore can be the chipmunk who farts!
THIRD: Farts.
FIRST: Farts are funny. He can fart a lot! Kids like farts!
BIGWIG: Go on.
SECOND: He’ll definitely fart, but he can’t just fart. Where Simon is a soft-spoken killer with vengeance in his eyes, and Alvin is suave and amazing and has women panting at his feet, Theodore can be the lovable fuckup. When Simon pulls out two silenced Glocks and kills a pair of evil ninja MCs with a single headshot apiece, Theodore tries to imitate him, but instead kills a nun and a grade school teacher by accident.
FIRST: And he can eat a lot of food! Because he’s fat!
SECOND: And he has a funny catchphrase. Something, I dunno… “Chip and Dale this, motherfucker.”
THIRD: You realize this movie is intended for children, right?
SECOND: See, this is why you’re here! You keep me grounded. “Chip and Dale this, sponge-butt.”
FIRST: Kids love it when you say “butt!” And “poop!”
BIGWIG: That they do, that they do. But you know what? This is all brilliant stuff here, really it is. But it needs that X-factor. That thing to shove it over the top.
THIRD: You already know what that is, I take it.
BIGWIG: It’s why I’m in this chair and you’re sitting on that couch. Someone get in touch with Anthony Anderson for me. We need the talents of a loud, shouty black man for Theodore.
FIRST: Yes!
SECOND: We’ll make millions!
THIRD: But aren’t the Chipmunks supposed to be squeaky?
BIGWIG: We can make him squeaky afterwards, with computers.
FIRST: I love computers…

Originally written October 9, 2004.

SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and THREE JUNIOR EXECUTIVES are sitting at a table.

BIGWIG: All righty. Next on the docket – Fat Albert. Why haven’t we made a movie of Fat Albert yet?
FIRST JUNIOR: You know, I was just asking myself that the other day.
SECOND JUNIOR: I long to see those lovable Cosby Kids on the big screen!
THIRD JUNIOR: I think it’s because there hasn’t been a new episode of “Fat Albert” on the air since the mid-Seventies, and unlike “Scooby-Doo”, where the primary audience for a family film exists thanks to kids watching new episodes of Scooby and the gang every week, “Fat Albert” appeals mostly to Gen-X nostalgia, which hasn’t made for a successful film in years. At best we’d make our money back like Starsky and Hutch did. Seriously, who cares about Fat Albert any more, right?
(There is an uncomfortable silence.)
THIRD JUNIOR: Also we’ve had lots of trouble with the script!
BIGWIG: Ah, the writers. Always the writers, ain’t it? Okay, so let’s tell them what the story is.
FIRST JUNIOR: Right!
SECOND JUNIOR: Sure thing!
THIRD JUNIOR: Okay!
BIGWIG: What’s the story?
(A long pause.)
FIRST: How about the Cosby Kids just have a wacky adventure?
BIGWIG: Wacky adventure. Okay. I think that works. So, the Cosby Kids –
THIRD: Uh –
(BIGWIG stares at THIRD.)
THIRD: It’s just that the Cosby Kids are so weird. Like, the guy who wears his hat over his head. I mean, we’re going live-action with this, right?
BIGWIG: So?
THIRD: So how do we make that hat look realistic? Heck, how do we make Fat Albert look realistic and still have him be jolly, as opposed to morbidly obese?
BIGWIG: You raise an interesting point.
THIRD: I’m fired, aren’t I.
BIGWIG: Actually not yet. Your clever point has raised in me a counter idea!
(FIRST and SECOND glare at THIRD.)
BIGWIG: We will have the Cosby Kids come out of the television from cartoon land and into the real world!
(Silence. Crickets. A tumbleweed blows past in the background.)
FIRST: Brilliant!
SECOND: I love it!
THIRD: Why not.
FIRST: And wait, and wait – the Cosby Kids can be from Seventies cartoon land! So they’ll be amazed by the things we consider to be commonplace and mundane! Like pull-tops and the Internet!
SECOND: I like it, but maybe to avoid looking like we’re saying black people are stupid and don’t understand the basics of life, they can also gradually master our modern ways over the course of the movie!
BIGWIG: Exactly! Like, Fat Albert could do a rap!
THIRD (blinks): A rap?
BIGWIG: Black people love to rap!
THIRD: Well – it’s just he’s from the Seventies, right? Nobody listened to rap back then. It hadn’t been invented. I mean, the Cosby Kids had a funk band. He could sing a funk song instead. It’s not like funk isn’t cool.
FIRST: Yeah, but Snoop Dogg sells way more records than Government Funkadelic.
THIRD: Parliament –
BIGWIG: Look, I know we’re trying to be true to the spirit of Fat Albert here, so that means clearly that Fat Albert must do a rap. And possibly Mushmouth can be his human beat-box.
SECOND: Genius! Sheer genius! This movie will win Oscars.
FIRST: But where’s the human element?
THIRD (rubbing temples): It’s a movie about cartoons coming to life and you want a human element.
BIGWIG: No, no, he’s got a point. We need to create conflict! Conflict is what makes all drama great!
THIRD: Fine. Conflict. What’s the conflict?
SECOND: …some of the Cosby Kids want to go back to cartoon land!
FIRST: Because they’re scared by modern-day society and the Internet!
THIRD: So why do any of the Cosby Kids want to stay anyway?
BIGWIG: That’s a good question. We need a reason for Fat Albert to want to stay.
FIRST: Why Fat Albert?
THIRD: Possibly because the movie isn’t called Weird Harold.
BIGWIG: Right. So why does Fat Albert want to stay?
SECOND: ….he meets a girl and he wants to fuck her!
THIRD: Oh, for crissake, it’s a kids’ movie!
SECOND: …he meets a girl and he wants to fuck her and then cook her breakfast the next morning!
BIGWIG: Maybe we just tone down your idea a bit. He meets a girl and he falls in love with her.
SECOND: I guess that works too, but really, you lose something when you take out the fucking.
FIRST: What?
SECOND: Well, the fucking for a start.
THIRD: And maybe we get a big-name R&B singer to play Fat Albert’s love interest?
BIGWIG: That would cost us more money, right?
THIRD: Probably.
BIGWIG: Then let’s not do that. Matter of fact, let’s try to use as many no-name character actors as possible so we can save money to put towards the awesome special effects when Fat Albert and the others come into the realworld from cartoon land.
SECOND: I think we can get Kool Moe Dee –
BIGWIG: NO-NAMES.
THIRD: Even for Fat Albert?
BIGWIG: No, I think we can afford someone vaguely recognizable to be Fat Albert. Get one of the guys who was in Good Burger.
FIRST: God, I loved that movie!
SECOND: “Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?”
(FIRST and SECOND high-five.)
THIRD: Which guy from Good Burger did you want?
BIGWIG: Whichever one of them was fatter. Okay, who do we got to direct this?
THIRD: Joel Zwick.
BIGWIG: …what did he do?
THIRD: My Big Fat Greek Wedding and “Webster”.
BIGWIG: Okay, make sure in all the ads we have the announcer say “directed by Joel Zwick” like he’s a big deal. People will think “my god, he’s so funny they put his name in the ads.”
FIRST: WAIT! I had an idea!
BIGWIG: Really?
(FIRST becomes aware that maybe this isn’t the best thing.)
FIRST: Well, it’s not that important.
BIGWIG: No, no. I want to hear it.
FIRST: No, really –
BIGWIG: Spill.
FIRST: Well since the Cosby Kids are coming out of cartoon land, that means we could potentially have them meet Bill Cosby, right?
BIGWIG: Hmmmmm.
SECOND: And, and – this is good – they could actually go looking for Bill Cosby! The Cosby Kids would go looking for Bill Cosby so he could help them get back to cartoon land!
BIGWIG: How would he do that?
SECOND: …I don’t know?
BIGWIG: Ah, I’m sure the writers will think of something. Okay, I think we’re about done with Fat Albert – let’s move on. What’s the deal with The Jeffersons?

Old news to some of you, no doubt, but there’s a preview of the New Frontier animated movie, for those who care about such things.