…that fishermen have discovered a parasite that eats its host fish’s tongue and then lives in its mouth, living off the food the fish consumes?

Gross, huh?

I offer this interesting piece of trivia as evidence there are worse things you can put into peoples’ mouths than words.

Having said that, can YOU tell who didn’t actually say the following? Answers in the footnotes1.

-“Best show some humility when talkin’ to Congress there, boy.” 2

-“I haven’t been arrested for a hit and run all year, therefore that dead guy in the street is totally unrelated to the dead guy-shaped dent in my hood.”3

-“ABC News said more than one and a half million people attended the 9/12 rally. That’s a whole lot of people ABC News says are totally real and I do not have a small penis.”4

-“Kanye West made a mockery of the VMAs, utterly destroying the long-standing tradition of solemn contemplation and celebration of the achievements of the best the popular performing arts have to offer.”5

-“Kanye West is a total dick.”6

-“I just want to say we need to collectively take a breath. This whole thing’s gotten out of hand and we all just need to calm down people before it al”7

-“We never said More than a million people attended the 9/12 project. Fuck no, that’s crazy talk, whoever said that is a pathetic liar with penis issues.”8

-“I can’t say comment on the Disney/Marvel merger but that’s no reason for me not to give a lengthy, uninformative interview on the subject this one time.”9

-“Shit, I should really post something on MGK today…”10

1. SPOILER WARNING! [↩]
2. “I think [President Obama]’s going to have to express some humility based on what we’ve seen around the country during August, and that’s not his inclination.” – Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss [↩]
3. “All year, I’ve never been foot-faulted and then suddenly in this tournament they keep calling foot faults” – Serena Williams [↩]
4. Freedom Works President Matt Kibbe [↩]
5. Absolutely no one. [↩]
6. Almost everyone. [↩]
7. Someone who is A) probably right and B) doesn’t understand how to use Twitter. [↩]
8. “At no time did ABC News, or its affiliates, report a number anywhere near as large.” – ABC News [↩]
9. “Certain statements in this communication may constitute “forward-looking statements” within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Such statements relate to a variety of matters, including but not limited to: the operations of the businesses of The Walt Disney Company (“Disney”) and Marvel Entertainment, Inc. (“Marvel”) separately and as a combined entity; the timing and consummation of the proposed merger transaction; the expected benefits of the integration of the two companies; the combined company’s plans, objectives, expectations and intentions and other statements that are not historical fact. These statements are made on the basis of the current beliefs, expectations and assumptions of the management of Disney and Marvel regarding future events and are subject to significant risks and uncertainty. Investors are cautioned not to place undue reliance on any such forward-looking statements, which speak only as of the date they are made. Neither Disney nor Marvel undertakes any obligation to update or revise these statements, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.

   “Actual results may differ materially from those expressed or implied. Such differences may result from a variety of factors, including but not limited to:

   * legal or regulatory proceedings or other matters that affect the timing or ability to complete the transactions as contemplated;
   * the possibility that the expected synergies from the proposed merger will not be realized, or will not be realized within the anticipated time period or that the businesses will not be integrated successfully;
   * the possibility of disruption from the merger making it more difficult to maintain business and operational relationships;
   * the possibility that the merger does not close, including but not limited to, due to the failure to satisfy the closing conditions;
   * any actions taken by either of the companies, including but not limited to, restructuring or strategic initiatives (including capital investments or asset acquisitions or dispositions);
   * and developments beyond the companies’ control, including but not limited to: changes in domestic or global economic conditions, competitive conditions and consumer preferences;
   * adverse weather conditions or natural disasters; health concerns; international, political or military developments; and technological developments.

   “Additional factors that may cause results to differ materially from those described in the forward-looking statements are set forth in the Annual Report on Form 10-K of Disney for the year ended September 27, 2008, which was filed with the SEC on November 20, 2008, under the heading “Item 1A—Risk Factors” and in the Annual Report on Form 10-K of Marvel for the year ended December 31, 2008, which was filed with the SEC on February 27, 2009, under the heading “Item 1A—Risk Factors,” and in subsequent reports on Forms 10-Q and 8-K and other filings made with the SEC by each of Marvel and Disney.” -Marvel Comics Editor in Chief  Joe Quesada [↩]

10. -Foley [↩]

Deep-fried butter.

Because, come on. Naked, sweaty Hitler?

I almost fell out of my chair yesterday when I read that, while addressing a “free  market think tank,” US Representative and Joker impersonator Michele Bachmann said something I agreed with. Fortunately, she reverted to form, finishing the almost reasonable sentence with talk about becoming blood brothers, before really making with the crazy. My shaken worldview was restored by passages like:

‘“This is slavery,” Bachmann said after claiming many Americans pay half their income to taxes. “It’s nothing more than slavery.”’

I’ve got to think the scenario she describes is at least in the area of 50% more than slavery. But hey, she’s only a member of the United States congress. I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much from a woman who’s waiting for a call from God to tell her whether or not she should run for President.

-Foley

Public high school band shirts get banned because they reference evolution.

New Jersey judge takes away child from adoptive parents because the parents do not believe in God. Well, okay, so it happened in 1970. Teach me to be knee-jerk.

…and it is eleven-year-old girls who ask questions at Presidential town hall meetings.

Clearly, the next step for this eleven-year-old girl is that she will become a Muslim terrorist. She must be stopped before she kills again for the first time!

There was a time when a kid could walk into pretty much any North American drugstore or supermarket and find themselves exposed to a wide range of Top 21 Lists. The reasons for the current absence of Lists (Top 21 or otherwise) in such outlets are far too complicated, to say nothing of depressing, to get into here. The end result is that, while today’s Top 21 Lists are better-crafted, well-thought out and detailed than ever before, the form itself is in decline, perceived as lacking relevance for all but the most diehard members of the so-called “T21L community.”

The advent of the internet has given many hope for a renewed public interest in Top 21 Lists, and indeed the web has been the source of some of the most exciting and innovative lists of the last few years. Such lists did not come into existence in a vacuum, though, and it’s important that we take a moment to give some consideration to the ever-evolving Top 21 Most Influential Top 21 List Writers. Some are old-school, some are the wave of the future, but all have added something vital to the art of the T21L and deserve recognition for their contributions to this once-much-beloved format. And so, without further ado, I present to you my picks for the Top 21 Most Influential T21L Writers, in ascending order of importance.

21. Vince Neilstein
Some in the Top 21 List writing community argue that anyone who could write something like Vince Neilstein’s “Top 21 Albums of 2008” should be disqualified from any List purporting to examine Top 21 List Writers, owing to the fact that he “posthumously added” an additional 2 entries at the suggestion of his readers. While I’m sure the desperate losers that comprise the bulk of the Top 23 Listmaking community would be only too willing to welcome Neilstein to their ranks, I and many others firmly believe that Top 21 List writing is going to be in serious trouble if it continues to be bound by the strict formalism T21L purists demand. Frankly, the insistence that Top 21 Lists should have exactly 21 entries, no more and no less, regardless of context is only going to further alienate a public that already harbours the mistaken belief that the T21L community is entirely composed of a bunch of obsessive losers with nothing better to do with our time than compose lists. It will also lose us writers like Neilstein, whose willingness to break the rules has earned him his “T21L Hunter S. Thompson” nickname.

20. Dan Tynan
Dan Tynan’s List of “The Top 21 Tech Screwups of 2006” arguably made him the breakout T21L talent of 2007, and for good reason. Entertaining, enlightening, and frightening at the same time, his body of work is a must-read for anyone with interested in either technology or Top 21 Lists.

19. Jack Humphrey
A bit of a one-hit wonder in when it comes to Top 21 Lists, I have to admit. But what a hit it was! I defy anyone to find another “Top 21 Best Article Directory” List that combines the elegant minimalism of the list’s 21 entries with the joyfully passive-aggressive introduction Mr. Humphrey penned to go along with it. The echoes of this groundbreaking Top 21 List are still being felt in the community today, months after its release.

18. David Schwartz
Admittedly, Schwartz didn’t exactly break new Top 21 List writing ground with his “21 Worst Cartoon Characters of All Time” List, but there’s something to be said for giving the people what they want–especially when the people are the natural audience for a list about cartoon characters. Schwartz’s list and others like it are nothing less than an alarm, a clarion call alerting fans of the form to the danger of letting Top 21 Lists stagnate into irrelevancy by not doing everything possible to cultivate new fans.

17. “Shira”
Some will almost certainly take issue with my inclusion of Shira, and not just because her best-known work in the field, “Top 21 reasons to be a belly dancer!!!” is co-written by “friends”. Rather, these naysayers will object to Shira’s tone, believing the person behind a tongue-in-cheek Top 21 List ought not to be included in any serious survey of T21L writers. To those people, I say that a writer’s work being of a humourous bent doesn’t prevent it from being influential. The #6 entry on her belly dancer list, “So friends will start buying you little camel statues” has undeniably had a wideranging impact on the Top 21 Lists that followed, for good or ill. Also, the addition of redundant exclamation marks in certain of her list titles displays an admirable enthusiasm behind their creation–and only the most rigidly unimaginative Top 21 List purist could find fault with that.

16. Mike Olbinski
For a shamefully long time, the world of Top 21 List writing reeked of frustration and testosterone, making it an unwelcoming environment for women and girls. It’s only thanks to Top 21 List writers like Olbinski (best known for his “Top 21 Less than manly movie moments” List) that we’ve started to see a new influx of female T21L fans. Perhaps someday there’ll even be enough of them to create a “Top 21 Female Fans of Top 21 Lists” List. If and when that happens, it’ll be thanks to the hard work of T21L writers like Mr. Olbinski.

15. “Wes”
A master of the “Ways to Annoy _____” Top 21 List subcategory, Wes’ “Top 21 Ways to Annoy a McDonalds Cashier” is widely regarded as the standard by which all other annoyance-themed Top 21 Lists are judged.

14. Dr. Kushnood H.
Though he was far from the first to combine words and pictures in Top 21 List form, Dr. H. is truly a pioneer when it comes to Top 21 List photo placement. His landmark T21L post “Top 21 Travel Tips and Pictures” broke with longstanding tradition, ultimately birthing what T21L fans came to refer to as the New Density movement. Eschewing the conventional wisdom associated with Top 21 List photos, “Travel Tips and Pictures” featured fewer than 21 pictures that were not interspersed throughout the list text to illustrate Dr. H.’s points. Instead, he boldly shoved all the images together before the body of the list. This maneuver sent shockwaves through listmaking communities of all kinds, from 2 to 200, and changed the way we look at pictures and lists forever.

13. Lorna Shanks
12. Pat Shanks
The Shanks are truly one of the Top 21 List community’s best-known power couples. Their “Top 21 Uses of Spectacular Presentations” is rightly considered the pinnacle of the “top 21 reasons you should hire us list” form. Few, if any, have matched the Shankses when it comes to self-promotion, but they’re a model for anyone in the T21L community who wants to give it a try.

11. Jennifer M. Ryan, M.Ed.
It’s generally accepted that, by and large (or XXX-Large, as the case may be), Top 21 List fans tend to be a solitary bunch, and the majority of major works in the form are understandably targeted at the pathetically lonely person demographic. Ms. Ryan’s stroke genius was in creating a list designed specifically for couples, rather than individuals. At the time, it was a breath of fresh air, one that many T21L writers have tried to reproduce since, with varying degrees of success.

10. “Loverock”
Loverock’s classic T21L, “The Top 21 Things Not To Say When Pulled Over” combines crude drawing with crude humour to create a Top 21 List that unleashed a flood of crudely drawn, humourous Top 21 Lists. While some would prefer to ignore his T21L contributions, those contributions cannot be denied by any serious Top 21 List scholar.

9. Scott Colby
It’s an unfortunate, and unfortunately all too accurate, stereotype that the vast majority of Top 21 List writers are overweight, socially awkward losers living in their mothers’ basements, obsessively ranking every aspect of what for lack of a better word we’ll call their lives. Colby’s list of his Top 21 Workout Songs, appearing on The Abs Expert Blog, is an important contribution to the field, demonstrating that, while it’s true many T21L writers are not particularly health-conscious of individuals, the activity holds wide appeal in many different, less indolent, demographics.

8. “Mike”
Arguably the first post-modern Top 21 List writer, Mike’s Top 21 “Best Ping Sites for Your Blog” post is a playfully deconstructs the motives of the typical T21L writer, taking a jab at the rampant egotism displayed by many of the form’s best-known names. Reinforcing Mike’s point is his use of an incomplete, possibly even false name, implying that he (if he is a he), unlike many Top 21 List writers, is engaging in T21Ls for love of the form, rather than any desire for recognition or praise. Nevertheless, praise is what “Mike’s” earned, whoever he is.

7. Christopher Bird
Barely a day old at the time of this list’s writing, Christopher Bird’s “Far Superior and In No Way Derivative Top 21 Most Influential Comics Writers” list has already inspired at least one T21L. It could be argued that Bird’s list was itself a direct response to another list of the top 21 most influential comics writers, and therefore shouldn’t receive the credit for influencing the creation of the T21L you’re currently reading. This is a valid argument, but this is also posted on Bird’s website, so he gets the nod. Sorry, Justin.

6. Amy Marathe
Marathe’s Top 21 Lists may not be suitable for readers of all ages, but a little sex appeal goes a long way, especially with people who might not normally be inclined to seek out T21Ls. Characterized by a playfully coquettish quality, Marathe’s work has broken barriers between Top 21 List fans and the reading public. That, along with her seminal “Top 21 Sexiest Beaches” List (which garnered Marathe substantial recognition in the community and eventually ended up in the “Top 21 Top 21 Lists That Inspired Others to Create Their Own Top 21 Lists” list.) A more deserving candidate for the #6 slot on this list I cannot conceive.

5. “Goose”
While the Top 21 List phenomenon is largely a North American occurrence, that hasn’t stopped many young Top 21 List writers from attempting to bring a more international flavour to this most enjoyable of pastimes. While Goose’s top “21 US Celebrities in Japanese Commercials” is not the first such T21L, its use of multimedia put it head and shoulders above similar lists in taking full advantage of the technology currently available to those who post lists on the web under aliases like “Goose.”

4. David Lake
3. Sarah Haas
I would hope the reasons for including the creators of “The List of the Top 21 Mustaches on Television” in this list are self-evident.

2. John Shelton Ivany
The godfather of the modern T21L movement and possibly the most prolific Top 21 List writer working today, Ivany’s work ethic alone earns him his high ranking on this list. In fact, in my opinion, he’s really the only legitimate challenger to our next entry’s title as the Number One Most Influential Top 21 List Writer, losing that spot only because of his his frequently lax attitude towards the format that made him famous. While I’m all for a T21L writer occasionally adjusting and even adding to a Top 21 List (see #21 on this list), one must ask at what point one stops being a Top 21 List writer and becomes just another writer of lists with no numerical consistency.

1. John of Patmos AKA “The Revelator”
While fans of Top 21 Lists will doubtless debate some of the other entries on this list of the Top 21 Most Influential Top 21 List Writers, I sincerely doubt anyone will be able to fault me for placing The Revelator in the top slot. Widely believed to be the original Top 21 List writer, almost 2000 years ago John of Patmos was an archetypal T21L writer: he was deluded, didn’t do a lot of socializing, and spent a lot of time writing lists in a dark, enclosed space. While many of his Top 21 Lists have been lost to the ravages of time, two are preserved in the chapter of the holy bible he wrote while in prison.

The first act of Revelation features the Top 21 Things John Saw One Night After Eating Some Bad Prawns. This list is composed of three sublists: the seven oracles, the seven seals and the seven trumpets. This alone would have earned him a place in the pantheon of T21L writers, but he proceeded to top it in Act Two of Revelation, which contains the spellbinding “Top 21 Things Jesus Told Me Are Totally Going To Happen Someday”, which, in typical John of Patmos style he broke down into three subcategory lists, those being the seven signs, seven visions, and seven prophecies.

With these two superb Top 21 Lists, John vaulted from the ranks of demented religious fanatics to take his much-deserved place at the top of the Top 21 Most Influential Top 21 List Writers List.

“Along with showing several clips from the first episode, the voice actors did a reading of a scene written just for the panel. It surrounds Doom’s quest to acquire a convention-exclusive ‘My Little Pony’ collectible at Comic-Con.”

From the fine folks in California who want to crucify illegal immigrants and also set up a Bear Patrol comes this:

The plan: a California ballot initiative that would end public benefits for illegal immigrants, cut off welfare payments for their children and impose new rules for birth certificates.

The 14th Amendment states that “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and the State wherein they reside.” Backers of the initiative argue that illegal residents are not “subject to the jurisdiction” of the United States and that, as a result, their U.S.-born children should not be citizens.

Key paragraph is the last one, because unsurprisingly, the idiots backing this have no idea what they’re talking about. “Subject to the jurisdiction thereof” means that the laws of the United States are applicable to them. Last I checked, if an illegal immigrant committed a crime, he was still criminally liable for the punishment.

(For the sake of comparison, when the amendment was being discussed after the Civil War, the chief area of concern was how this would apply to members of Indian nations who were not American citizens; those living within Indian territory would not be subject to the jurisdiction of the United States and therefore not citizens. It was actually written specifically to avoid naturalizing Indians who didn’t have citizenship and didn’t want it. This is the rare moment where a coincidence people would call “ironic” is actually ironic!)

The Quitbull in her brand new Wall Street Journal Washington Post op-ed that she totally wroted herself:

There is no denying that as the world becomes more industrialized, we need to reform our energy policy and become less dependent on foreign energy sources. But the answer doesn’t lie in making energy scarcer and more expensive! Those who understand the issue know we can meet our energy needs and environmental challenges without destroying America’s economy.

Well, here’s the thing. Those who understand the energy issue – hell, those who look at it for more than five minutes – know that the central problem is that energy is getting scarcer and more expensive all by itself.

There just isn’t enough oil to go around. “Drill, baby, drill” aside, there’s no realistic way to keep oil production stable in even the short term, let alone increase it. We’re losing the equivalent of 400 wells every day; that’s how much oil production is dropping. New conventional sources like offshore deposits in Brazil are ridiculously hard – and expensive – to drill, and unconventional deposits like tar sands or shale basically need so much energy to make oil it’s a net deficit.

Natural gas? Canada has some of the largest natural gas reserves left in the world, and we estimate we have about 25 years’ worth left. Barring illness or sudden death, everybody reading this will likely live to see the end of large-scale natural gas production on the planet.

Now, the usual rejoinder is “oh yeah well COAL buddy.” But estimates of remaining coal supplies have shrunk every time they’ve been comprehensively studied because it turns out every chance people have gotten they’ve dramatically overestimated the amount of coal that’s actually left; at current levels of production we have 144 years of coal left. In 2000, we thought we had 277 years’ worth. And of course, that figure is only good for the amount of coal we’re digging up right now; if we dramatically increased production worldwide, say to replace all the oil we can’t drill any more, it would be more like 30 years’ worth.

(Ironically, it turns out that we probably have just exactly enough carbon-based fossil fuels left in the ground to completely fuck over our climate.)

Now, we essentially have two options. One is that we can do nothing and get fucked. Sarah Palin is a fan of this method, because there is plenty of evidence that she loves to A) do nothing and B) get fucked, but also because she is a notoriously stupid woman who doesn’t know shit about anything, least of all the actual scarcity upon which her state’s wealth is premised. The second option is increasing the cost of energy use, both because we need to condition people to use less energy (and more wisely), and because we need a lot of funds generated to create the new energy infrastructure we needed to start building twenty years ago. That’s the purpose of cap-and-trade (or a carbon tax, if you prefer).

The rest of the article is the usual Palin bullshit, but one claim in particular is worth mentioning:

The Americans hit hardest will be those already struggling to make ends meet. As the president eloquently puts it, their electricity bills will “necessarily skyrocket.” So much for not raising taxes on anyone making less than $250,000 a year.

It is worth noting that the Congressional Budget Office estimates that cap and trade will cost the average American household $175 per year – or about 47 cents a day. The CBO released this report less than two months ago; it’s not really something that someone who “understands the issue” should not know about.

“What are all these black kids doing here?”

Kentucky pastor encourages his flock to bring guns to church.

UPDATE: Link fixed.