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They do explain why telling the officer that the 14-year-old is underage wouldn’t work; namely, that they all know he’s not of age and don’t care.

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Know that by your noble sacrifice you have saved us from having to sit through this movie.

(OK, not really cause I had no intention of seeing it in the first place, but that summary was freaking hilarious and obviously a far better product than the actual film.)

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Lovely!

I looked for a “Share on Facebook” button but no such luck. Still, I managed to overcome this obstacle and thusly have told my “friends” about this fantastic summary.

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So will Jack Davis or Mort Drucker be drawing this when it premieres in MAD?

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I don’t know MGK, even though I didn’t see this film (and actually chuckled quietly to myself when the trailer came on in theaters), I feel like maybe there’s not enough horse.

Does he fall in love with a pretty mare?

What does he eat?

Also, there should’ve been some sort of epilogue where he breaks a leg plowing the rocky fields and the boy has to shoot him and then sell War Horse to the glue factory to pay the rent. Now, that’s a movie!

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STEVEN SPIELBERG: Excuse me, but I was one of the Hollywood young guns of the 1970s, and I was the one who basically stayed sober while everybody else got shitfaced on everything. You’ll note I still have a career, while Francis Ford Coppola makes a lot of wine and complains about the system. There are reasons for this. I’m just saying.

That is the main thing I took away from Easy Riders and Raging Bulls. Well, that and the author thinks this is a BAD thing.

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It’s a shame that Loki wasn’t able to consummate his love for the very special horse, because a sequel about a very special eight-legged horse would be pretty slick.

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Fred Davis said on December 27th, 2011 at 2:19 pm

So it’s a movie where the horses have better characterisation than the actors… except that the horses are so passive that they are never actually compelling to watch.

But is it better than Crystal SKull?

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VersasoVantare said on December 27th, 2011 at 3:41 pm

You know, when I first heard of the film “War Horse”, for the very briefest of seconds, I thought it might be a spin-off of Black Beauty about that old war horse that he knew briefly.
No idea why that passed through my head, though.

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This has to be one of the best movie reviews that I have ever read.

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I like the idea of a movie whose protagonist is incapable of comprehending anything happening around him but is not Forrest Gump.

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God, now I really want a Dr Strange movie with Cumberbatch.

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“They do explain why telling the officer that the 14-year-old is underage wouldn’t work; namely, that they all know he’s not of age and don’t care.”

What? But I thought they were in the army not the priesthood!

… sorrry….

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Mecha Velma said on December 28th, 2011 at 2:51 am

War Horse is Twilight for Equestrians.

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Verklemptomaniac said on December 28th, 2011 at 8:34 am

This, this, a thousand times this. War Horse was a beautifully shot, cloying, paint-by-numbers piece of crap. They hit every cliche in the book, right down to the horse’s best horse friend being a black horse, who shows him the ropes and then gets killed.

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Every year, I go see a movie on Christmas day that I haven’t seen yet. This year, the two main contenders were this and Mission Impossible.

Thank you for letting me know how big a bullet I dodged by seeing the one with Tom Cruise.

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http://www.the-editing-room.com/ is now accepting submissions, I think this would fit in great!

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Excuse me but who directed this movie ? Pope Gregory III ? Calvaro V ? Caucalis? Jolly Jumper?
Any horse movie that doesn’t end with an advertisement for the benefits of horse meat consumption ( cooked of course! we don’t want anyone to get a trichniosis…) is a let-down. Therefore, I demand War horse on a plate with a sode of spinach !

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Dear Sir-

Thank you. Thank you for saving me from even considering to see this film. For War Horse is serious, symbolic, and full of MEANING.

I think I’m going to go see Harold & Kumar in 3D again instead, for the meaningful moment when they shoot Santa in the face.

In all honesty: I would so watch something that was the character of Davos Seaworth dealing with WWI. I think he would have interesting things to say.

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This could only be improved by having the British soldiers (or the black horse for that matter) survive German machine-gun fire inside a refridgerator.

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When I first saw the trailers, I thought it would take its influences from Charley’s War, when the brief interludes with the horse, Warrior was shown. Now that I’ve read the scathing parody of this movie, I’m simultaneously repulsed and relieved that it wasn’t inspired at all by the British World War I War comic. Relieved that it didn’t wind up plagirizing from a woefully underappreciated comic, but repulsed that it didn’t spread knowledge of said comic.

Then again, the same could be said of The Adventures of Tintin, and it’s absymal showing in American theaters. (It’s still a national hit overseas, though)

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Farah Mendlesohn said on December 29th, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Sadly, almost all of this is there in the book too.

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Isn’t this thing based on a book? I mean, you can get on SS’s case for choosing the make a movie out of that book, but not for following the plot.

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“I mean, you can get on SS’s case for choosing the make a movie out of that book, but not for following the plot.”

Absolutely not true. You can turn a good book into a good movie without following the book’s exact plot. (Examples: Forrest Gump, Stardust.)

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Mike Chary said on December 30th, 2011 at 6:33 am

You can turn a good book into a good movie without following the plot, certainly. However, it is not a fair criticism of a movie adaptation that it did follow the plot.
You can even make changes in historical movies, but if you decide to re-make Lawrtence of ARabia and have Lawrence die at 105 in a nursing home in Cornwall, you’d better do a good job.

If SS screwed up the story by not following the, then that’s a fair ground to criticize him. If you are making Lord of the Rings and you decide “You know, they should not visit Galadriel,” and you screw it up, then you have issues. If you decide, however, that “Hey, why don’t we just have them hop on this eagle and fly to Mount Doom,” as has come up a zillion times, we are pointing out something obvious. That’s a plot hole that needs to be addressed in some sense, but all a director has to say is, “I am making Lord of the Rings.” I don’t know how the novel War Horse went, and I might get dragged off to see it, but some of the plot points might be integral to what passed for a story. If you change more and more stuff, suddenly you are no longer making a movie of that book, so why did you bother paying for rights?

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DensityDuck said on December 31st, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I like the Equus reference you threw in there.

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[…] reading the brilliant version of the script at Mighty God King, I would like to apologize for confusion created by my earlier […]

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The Unstoppable Gravy Express said on January 3rd, 2012 at 8:48 am

I agree with Eric, this should be on http://www.the-editing-room.com (site full of movie script parodies), as it is hilarious.

@Mike Chary: flying is conspicuous :-)

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Cookie McCool said on January 3rd, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I expected more heroin in this recap. Can horses be junkies?

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It is absolutely fair to criticize a movie adaptation even though it follows the plot of the book it is based upon. Not everything that is good in print will translate well to the screen and a good director should know what will and will not translate well.

Thank you for proving to me that it was a good decision to completely ignore the marketing campaign for this film. I was nodding off to plot as described above, even though it was funny. it must be an incredibly dull film to make me fall asleep to MGK!

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This was really funny and hit a lot of the plot points that bothered me while watching the movie (especially when dozens of soldiers are probably dying offscreen while not only the doctor but seemingly the entire hospital staff stand around watching a couple of guys wash a horse’s hooves). A couple of small points, though:

* The younger brother didn’t tell them his real age to get out of going to the front lines because He Was Seduced by the False Glamour of War.

* The granddaughter’s illness is mentioned – she has brittle bones in order to make her riding the horse dangerous (just like the gas blinded Albert to set up the gradual reveal)

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Packerchu said on January 5th, 2012 at 3:14 am

Wow, so a My Little Pony movie on the big-screen wouldn’t be any good. 😐

(Should I merely be glad SPIELBERG hasn’t filmed Rex … yet?)

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Sgaile-beairt said on January 6th, 2012 at 6:54 pm

@VersasoVantare The book basically is just that, Black Beauty’s friend’s story moved up from the guns of the Crimea to the guns of the Salient, with a lot of homage to Renaults “Grand Illusion” (or Thomas Hardy’s poetry) on top of that. It’s a shame it sounds like Spielberg hacked it up with stereotypical Hollywood cheeze’n’whiz-bang that wasn’t in the book.

The book itself tends more to understatement than not and makes a lot more sense, and apparently the play version which has been running for a long time in London–a very ambitious thing with complex life-size puppets–is very moving and has been highly acclaimed by war veterans with PTSD.

But it’s been a long time since “Empire of the Sun” for Spielberg.

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It’s weird that the second act of the play was actually pretty good, but this movie seems to follow it fairly faithfully and sounds horrible. (The really annoying first act of the play consisted of little but the boy fawning over the horse.)

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[…] Incredibly Close is nominated because the Academy hates you, and War Horse because Steven Spielberg loves horses, and The Help because racism! That leaves The Artist, which we are assured is a divine romp and a […]

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[…] Horse – now that I have read this, I have no reason to see the film. Seriously, read that. It’s gold, and may save you two and […]

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[…] case you have never seen War Horse, you can watch it this weekend! Or you could read this handy synopsis instead, because War Horse is a really, really bad movie. (W, 9 p.m. […]

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…BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, who demonstrates that when he has short hair and a moustache, he looks staggeringly like DOCTOR STRANGE

And lo, Marvel did note the resemblance. (Which is probably… not news to anyone around here, but still amuses me.)

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