…is the Blonde Phantom.
For those not in the know, the Blonde Phantom is a Golden Age Marvel comics character from the Timely era. (Of course, comics being comics, she eventually showed up as a middle-aged version of herself in John Byrne’s She-Hulk run, and her daughter eventually became the Phantom Blonde, her successor. Of course, comics also being comics, the Blonde Phantom was eventually de-aged by science or possibly magic. I forget which it was. The point is that she became a hot babe again.)
But she is not just a comics character – she is a tool of the patriarchy. Seriously, reading this comic is like a short lesson in why the women’s lib movement got started in the first place. Granted, Golden Age superheroines always had a weird sexual element to them at the best of times (insert token Wonder Woman comment here), but Blonde Phantom goes beyond that to something that isn’t just “kinda kinky” but instead is just deeply, deeply wrong.
Consider.
This is the Blonde Phantom in her alter ego of Louise Mason, trusty secretary to staunch private detective Mark somethingorother, although I always think of him as “Mr. Manlypipe.” Note the glasses. The little smirk. The bun.1 Louise is your classic overlooked girl, so she rebels against that…
…by becoming the Blonde Phantom! This should be empowering or something!
Well, except that she doesn’t actually fight anybody. What you see here is her standard M.O.: she goes around and, you know, asks people questions. They never seem to wonder “who is this chick in the evening gown and domino mask and why do I care what she thinks,” because that would make sense. I mean, at least when Golden Age Batman asked you questions, there was always the implicit threat of him beating the shit out of you if you didn’t talk.2
And why doesn’t she fight?
That’s why. Because she is a delicate flower. Notice that the thug here is holding her with essentially one hand. This is how much of a wuss the Blonde Phantom is.
Anyhow.
It’s really worth noting how much Blonde Phantom stories revolve around Captain Manlypipe.3 The Blonde Phantom doesn’t really resolve anything; even in her mask and glamour-gown she’s still ultimately just Captain Manlypipe’s assistant. Nothing can change her. It is her preordained place in the history of the world: servile to a pipe-smoking fellow of virile complexion. Isn’t this depressing?
This is about as physical as she ever gets.
And this is how she resolves most conflicts. She runs and she hides from the bad, bad men! Or in this case, man. Singular. Who is unarmed. But who needs weapons to take on the Blonde Phantom? She is a girl, don’t you know.4
This panel in particular drives me nuts. First off, it’s a jar of cold cream, so it manages to be stereotypically feminine just like anything else the Blonde Phantom ever finds or tries to use. (In this particular story, for example, the key clue that tipped off the Blonde Phantom? Was that a lipstick found next to the body of a dead woman was the wrong brand.) And throwing a little jar of cold cream at the Big Strong Hulking Bad Guy is just so stereotypically girly a move – I mean, Golden Age Black Canary is just looking at this and shaking her head. “Why don’t you kick him in the face? Do you need me to lend you Merry, Girl Of A Thousand Gimmicks to teach you how to slug a palooka like this? What’s wrong with you?”
But what’s more annoying than that is what she’s thinking. Again, the Blonde Phantom’s story is all about Captain Manlypipe. Why hasn’t Manlypipe come to save her yet? She was counting on that!
Which of course he does. Like he does every time.
And we come to our regular Blonde Phantom denouement: her blowing off Manlypipe, who wants him some Blonde Phantom action, because secretly she wants him to fall for her, Louise Mason, and not some beautiful girl in a domino mask and evening gown who looks exactly like her. Wait, is Captain Manlypipe mentally challenged? Or possibly blind? Because who the hell could not figure out that their secretary was standing in front of them when all that’s hiding her identity is a fucking domino mask? Ahh, Golden Age, you inspired so many and sucked so frequently.
P.S. In the end, Louise and Manlypipe got married, so that just goes to show you that if you rely enough on a big strong man, ladies, eventually he will do the right thing and buy you a large wedding ring and a house and a dog and give you babies!
Top comment: To be fair, the cold cream jar would have been made of glass, and would seem awfully heavy and tough to a little lady. And maybe she was secretly hoping it would shatter and a little cold cream might clear up his condition and he’d have a personality shift and become a good guy. Because, you know, most problems can be solved if you’d just try to be a little prettier. – Cookie McCool
- A bun is like a chastity belt, but made of hair. [↩]
- Well, until Robin made his debut, and then Batman had to resort to tickle-fights to get answers. [↩]
- Yes, I promoted him and gave him an officership in the Navy. Why not? Look at him smoke that pipe. [↩]
- I understand that Michael Chabon got the idea for The Escapist from Blonde Phantom comics. Okay, no, not really. [↩]
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Wow, and I thought she was annoying when she had the power of Comic Awareness.
No pun intended?
I actually remember reading a backup story in one Hulk annual, featuring She-Hulk and old-lady-Blonde Phantom (not so blonde anymore, but whatever). Written by Bill Mumy, if I’m not mistaken. It was good. Definitely better than this.
Tobin made her a leader of an Avengers team that never existed in his Age of Sentry mini…
I would guess that Manlypipe DOES realize she’s his assistant, but just assumes that either she is mentally challenged or has a strange sense of fashion, and doesn’t talk to her about it because he has yet to find a hotter piece of blonde ass to serve as his assistant.
What exactly is making the “SNAP” sound in that one panel? The action lines make it look like she broke a finger.
I thought she was hitting the light switch. I like how he has all the models at his swinging pad, and yet lapses into broken english when the BP shows up.
“Blond Phantom! You here?”
While that’s pretty bad, I’m sure there must be an even less feminist heroine.
I mean, this is comics we’re talking about here.
To be fair, the cold cream jar would have been made of glass, and would seem awfully heavy and tough to a little lady. And maybe she was secretly hoping it would shatter and a little cold cream might clear up his condition and he’d have a personality shift and become a good guy. Because, you know, most problems can be solved if you’d just try to be a little prettier.
“Sofa King said:
I thought she was hitting the light switch.”
Light switch? I thought that was the keyhole on the door that was open?
“A bun is like a chastity belt, but made of hair.”
I love this sentence so damn much.
Perhaps she broke a nail, underlining the serious nature of her predicament.
If comments can still win threads, this comment is the comment that should win this thread.
Anybody else notice the placement of “The End,” or is that best left unsaid?
The shame of it is, it could have been good if she’d had a personality. Really, asking questions is probably a more effective method of finding out whodunit than beating the crap out of people.
To be fair, any secretary who tried to engage in the physical sort of crimefighting would end up broken in three or four pieces before you could say “suspension of disbelief”.
That poor bastard’s entire power… hell, his entire personality was built up around having a jar of cold cream deflected off his face. Stoneface could have been Sabertooth before there was Sabertooth. Instead, he’s just fucking Stoneface.
I must ‘fess up to creating the Phantom Blonde, the Blonde Phantom’s daughter. I was co-writing a 3-part SHE-HULK story with Steve Gerber and could never keep the Blonde Phantom’s name straight, constantly reversing the words. So when her daughter decided to get involved in the superheroics, we decided to stick Phantom Blonde monicker on her.
Aw dude, I always thought she was great. Any chickadee who fights crime in an evening dress and heels is fine by me.
Before there was Power-girl’s cleavage window, there was… Phantom Blonde’s belly window! Truly a more innocent time it was.
HA HA U FORGOT MY FACE IS LIEK STONE!
How could she forget? Isn’t that the guy’s only special feature?
Blonde Phantom.
[...] [Commentary] The least feminist comics heroine of all time Link: Christopher Bird [...]
Lise: Thank you. I was going to say something if no one else did. Also, something that MGK didn’t mention was the Mr. Manlypipe was actually kind of a sucky detective and it was BP who solved most of his cases. Yes, she had a huge crush on him that meant she let him take the credit, but Golden Age comics, what are you gonna do. And that costume is great. If I had a shot at writing for Marvel I’d bring back the Blode Phantom.
I liked the Phantom Blonde…she was spunky!
I agree with this. Still, when the answer to one of your questions amounts to “go away, you annoying person,” then you are probably doing something wrong.
I’d like to know what she did after that. Did she say “No, I’m not going anywhere until I get answers?” Did she leave and then sneak back into his office later on to snoop around? Did she leave and tail him later to see if he’d lead her to anybody? Or did she just leave and think “D’oh. He doesn’t want to talk to me. I guess this is a dead end.”
If it’s #4, then that’s pretty sad.
Maybe he’s deliberately pretending to be fooled by her “secret identity” as part of some weird role-playing thing. Maybe the panels we see are just what could be printed according to the standards of the time, and the real complete story, while making more sense, might just be too much information…
And people bitch about Sailor Moon being useless…
Lister Sage: So basically, it was similar to the Green Hornet/Kato dynamic, where the assistant is really the guy and the guy is basically useless?
Mark Temporis: I’ve not read the actual issue, so this is coming from what I remember from her Wikipedia entry, but yes.
Something else I want to add: if Stillface’s face is as hard as stone then you’d break you hand trying to punch him. And since he goes around saying “Ha, my face is hard as stone!” I can see why she’d try and throw something at him instead of throwing a punch.
there should be more comics like this.