It begins when a man in a Santa outfit is found dead in a New York alleyway, his face ripped apart beyond recognition and every drop of blood in his body exsanguinated. But it doesn’t end there. The very next day, a second Santa is found hanging from the London Bridge, his eyes gouged out – later during the autopsy, it is revealed that several of his organs have gone missing, even though there is no scar indicating a place where they might have been removed. A third Santa shows up in the middle of a Vancouver plaza on day three, with skin the consistency of melted wax; on day four, a headless, limbless torso in a Santa coat shows up outside the Sydney Opera House.
But these are not just any Santas. These, every one, are members of the Santae.
The Santae are a very, very old brotherhood, not just of humans but indeed a plethora of supernatural creatures as well. Wizards, sorcerers, spirits, ghosts, monsters, angels, demons, lawyers, you name it – the Santae don’t care what you are so long as you’re willing to contribute to their crusade. Which, in a word, is Christmas.
You see, a long time ago, a number of magicians and influential citizens of ancient Rome came together to discuss a growing threat – an enemy from elsewhere, which fed on human fear, sorrow and misery. This emotional vampirism empowered these entities ever more greatly, but the Romans understood that you couldn’t simply stop people from being afraid or sad; it didn’t work. Human nature is a bit too pessimistic to allow it on a mass scale. The entities were growing ever more powerful and standard magic grew less and less effective; their tendrils reached into this world to create moments of fear and pain that were occultly significant and gave them ever more power. They wanted to come here and turn this world into a new hell of their own design.
Then one of the group that would become the Santae, a penitent demon by the name of Krngl, had an idea. What if people could be convinced to spread joy, cheer and love? Not all the time – just enough that the Santae could use these outpourings of positive emotion as the equivalent of spiritual and cosmological booster shots for the entire planet, working behind the scenes to create the circumstances where occultly significant shows of hope and love and other fine emotions could be tuned to attack the entities. The group didn’t have any better ideas (they were frankly pretty desperate by this point) and were cheerfully surprised when it turned out that this plan actually worked at that year’s Saturnalia.
From that moment the Santae worked tirelessly to serve their planet, using winter festivals and holidays as their cover. The Santae used whatever was convenient: the Festival of Sol Invictus, Diwali, the Chinese New Year (which they made sure spread to most of the eastern half of Asia), Yule, Eid, Chanukah (recently, Jewish members of the Santae have taken to calling themselves “Chanukah Harries,” mostly because they like a good joke as much as anybody else), and of course Christmas. It was the Santae who made sure that Oliver Cromwell died of “malaria,” ending his Puritan Parliament, and it was a member of the Santae working in the Coca-Cola corporation who suggested a new Christmastime marketing campaign using Santa Claus, popularizing his image throughout the world. Every year, they turn hundreds of shows of virtue into magical weapons in the Earth’s defense; every year, they protect the planet anew.
And now, somebody is killing them off. That’s when the Santae go to the one man they know can help them: the Sorcerer Supreme.
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Considering the stress, wailing and gnashing of teeth that comes with the Christmas rush, the whining kids and desperate parents, etc. it would seem they haven’t been doing that good a job…
What about the other weird Christmas traditions? Like the guy that used to follow Santa around to cart the bad kiddies off in his sack (Wikipedia says his name is “Ruprecht”. There’s also the Krampus, who for some reason everyone seemed to notice exists this year. I’m sure kidnappers and Christmas demons have a place somewhere in here.
You know, this is an idea that could go a number of ways. You could use it as a Dr. Strange idea. Or, if you ever wanted to do a thorough mocking of a Dan Brown-style book this would be an awesome choice. “The Christmas Conspiracy” or something. (The only problem with that is that you have a really good shot of writing a better book than Dan Brown has, which probably defeats the purpose of the mockery. Or not.)
Does this mean the Santae are responsible for “Do They Know It’s Christmas”?
I hope somebody got demoted for that…
Beyond awesome!
You do know that there aren’t any Muslim holidays that reliably happen in the winter, right? Because the Muslim lunar calendar was decoupled from the solar calendar and cycles around the seasons.
Just sayin.
Jer:
I blame The Venture Bros.
What’s the status of Jesus in the Marvel Universe anyway? Does Christopher Hitchens go on the TV denouncing him as a mutant? What do Thor and Hercules say?
…Wait, so Fox News is right about a war on Christmas? Egads.
I’d be willing to pick that up in a trade. When does your TPB come out anyway?
Carlos:
I don’t know the status of Jesus, but I do know that The Thing and Ghost Rider were two of the wise men at his possible second coming.
No, really. Marvel Two-In-One #8. Honest.
Holy crap. You are going to traumatize so many children.
I like the idea of an army of magical/warrior Santas.
I mean there have been other ideas close to the theme. There was an old commercial (a credit card, I think) that showed a muscled Santa riding a sleigh with cybernetic reindeer. There was Multiple Santa from the Tick cartoon. PVP is currently doing their annual Santa vs Kringus thing.
And who could forget Bill Goldberg playing jolly old Saint Nick in Santa’s Slay? (Hey, that was an awesome movie)
I’d have to agree with rbx5 on this one. The Santae doesn’t seem to be spreading much good cheer recently… =(
Y’know, at the sight of the word “Santae”, I thought this was going to be a bad joke. Turns out it’s a really promising idea!
@ Lister Sage: You beat me to it
Yeah, but that didn’t happen until the mid-800s. The Santae don’t always get wins.
Ooh, good answer to the quibble. They could stick with one holiday and follow it around the calendar, or pick whatever’s closest if things need to fall into the winter-time window. Or write off a portion of the world from aiding their spells, I suppose.
And where do the Belsnickels and Naluyuks fit into this? And what about Zwarte Piet!? Let me guess–he’s the first to die. He always is.
You know, there are less convoluted ways to set up a story that ends with Doctor Strange dressed in a Santa costume while battling the forces of despair.
@Phil
No, there aren’t.
Maybe there are less convoluted ways, but are there better ways? I for one think not.
Why do you think someone’s getting away with killing Santas?
I guess this makes Bill O’Reilly one of Earth’s greatest protectors.
Damn, I feel dirty typing that out…
And don’t forget the Robot Santa from Futurama!
But will there be a Santae Baby?
So…the evil otherworldly emotional vampires are in-laws? Somehow, that doesn’t make mine any more creepy.
If this story doesn’t feature a charge from an elvin army riding magical glowing reindeer, then you’re doing something wrong.
I think this contradicts too many other Marvel Christmas stories to be a good Doctor Strange tale. Do it with Doctor Spektor. I haven’t seen him in years.
Awesome!
I love this idea. Sometimes in our horror games we get too focused on the might and power of evil and forget that there is strength and power in good as well.
I’m feeling a great “Hogsfather” vibe from this, and that is Good.
Also, if the Santae are being killed off, does that mean everyone’s Winter Festival is getting a little grumpier and meaner by the second?
Do I love this? I love this.
The Jovial Secret Brotherhood of the Santae.
Terry Pratchett, a junior brother of the Santae, used his knowledge of the purpose of Christmas to add one of the greatest additions to his already-popular Discworld line of novels.