What if Bertie Wooster, rather than being a mere layabout, was also a chocolatier?

“Damn it all, Jeeves, I was just about to settle into my afternoon kip.”
“Understandable, sir, but you asked to be alerted when the new trials came from the factory.”
“And have they, Jeeves?”
“I would not be alerting you otherwise, sir.”
“Well, I did rather ask for them, didn’t I? Guess we’d better see to it. then. Did they arrive on a silver tray like last time? I do so enjoy the visual.”
“Indeed, sir.”
“Smashing. So, what have we first, Jeeves?”
“The first is an attempt to comply with your request for a “thicky,” sir.”
“Very good. And let’s see… Well. It’s certainly a big thick bar of chocolate, Jeeves.”
“As you requested.”
“Yes, but I was thinking… something more blocky. This is a bunch of squares.”
“Are the squares not blocky enough for your liking?”
“Well, I had it in my head, you see. I was going to call this bar ‘The Yorkshireman.’ Chocolate for real… for real…”
“Chums, sir?”
“Yes, that’s it. Chums. One might even say blokes.”
“From Yorkshire.”
“You know what they say about Yorkshire, Jeeves.”
“I’m afraid I am not enlightened as such.”
“In any case, this bar simply will not do.”
“Might I ask as to why, sir?”
“Well, look at it, Jeeves. I wanted to have ‘Yorkshireman’ written across the top of the bar in big block letters. But this is a bunch of squares. We can’t possibly fit it all onto the squares.”
“Perhaps if you somewhat alter the name…?”
“Dash it all, how can you improve on ‘Yorkshireman’ as a name for a bar of chocolate?”
“Well, it is intended for children, sir. Perhaps ‘Yorkie‘ might suffice? It is, after all, six letters. And there are six blocks in the bar.”
“But if we call it ‘Yorkie’ people might think it’s dog food, Jeeves.”
“Because of the terrier.”
“Of course because of the terrier! They’ll think it’s a bar for dogs, and they’ll feed it to their dogs. Then the dogs will die, because dogs can’t eat chocolate.”
“They certainly can’t.”
“I can already hear Aunt Agatha lecturing me about how I murdered a generation of English canines.”
“A good point, sir. Perhaps you might consider it some more at your leisure, and turn to the second bar?”
“I suppose so. Drat. Now I’ve come over all glum because of this business.”
“We carry on, sir.”
“Well said. What’s the second bar?”
“Mr. Drumwell down in the factory said that you had asked about a bar with wafer.”
“I do love a good bit of wafer.”
“Yes, sir. Mr. Drumwell and I discussed the matter at some length, and we were also reminded of your love of caramel.”
“The stickier the better.”
“Indeed. So, after some work, Mr. Drumwell – with my input – has invented this.”
“Hmm.”
“Hmm, sir?”
“Seems sort of small.”
“I believe the idea was that a packet would contain two bars of this sort.”
“Two bars? In a single packet? Seems sort of flagrant, doesn’t it?”
“I have reviewed the list of ingredients, sir, and I concur with Mr. Drumwell when he says that he can make two of these bars for the cost of a single larger sort of bar.”
“Still. Very indulgent.”
“Is indulgence something to be avoided when selling chocolates, sir?”
“No need to be snippy, Jeeves. Mmm. Mpph. Mmph.”
“You approve, sir?”
“Mmmph. This is a serious bit of nosh Drumwell’s cooked up here.”
“Ah.”
“I mean it. This is a lot of work to eat. How long did it take me to chew that one bite?”
“I was not timing you, sir.”
“Seemed like a long time, didn’t it?”
“Is that bad?”
“Not at all. But as I said – serious bit of nosh. This is a chocolate bar that demands work and rewards it. Much like boarding school.”
“Really, sir?”
“Actually no. It’s nothing like boarding school. Forget I said that bit.”
“What do Americans call those men who go around looking for work?”
“Sir?”
“You know the ones.”
“I believe the term is ‘hobo,’ sir.”
“That’s the name of our chocolate bar! Hobo! The bar that looks to give you work! That’ll – Jeeves, you’re making that face again.”
“I promise you that this is my only face, Master Bertie.”
“Oh ho, and no you’ve gone and called me Master Bertie too. All right, Jeeves, fess up. You don’t like ‘Hobo.’ That’s it, isn’t it?”
“My opinion is entirely secondary to yours, sir.”
“And if your secondary opinion were to register as to the name of the bar in question, what then?”
“Perhaps I might consider a synonym more pleasing to the ear.”
“Well, I’ll think about it. But I do think ‘Hobo’ has a ring to it. Tell Drummy to ready production lines on both of those and we’ll get the boys down in wrapping to do some mockups. Oh, but I’ve worked a long day today! Any new business, Jeeves?”
“One thing, sir. Young master Fink-Nottle sent a telegram inquiring as to whether you had given his idea for chocolate newts any further thought.”
“Have I in fact seen that telegram yet, Jeeves?”
“I believe it may have been lost in transit, sir.”
“Good show.”

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