FLAPJACKS: We totally need to set up a D&D game.
ME: There is never a time when that sentence is true.
FLAPJACKS: But I wanna be a paramander!
ME: That sounds dirty.
FLAPJACKS: No, seriously! They’re a variant class from first edition AD&D.
ME: …this is out of an old copy of Dragon magazine, isn’t it.
FLAPJACKS: Possibly. Why?
ME: You do realize some of the variant classes in Dragon were… stupid, right? Jesters? Timelords? Courtesans? Accountants?
FLAPJACKS: Wait, “timelords”? Does that mean Doctor Who shows up in Dungeons and Dragons Land to fight dragons?
ME: First off, “the Doctor.” Second off, he wouldn’t fight the dragons. He would just have tea with them and maybe a bit of a chitchat. Until the red dragons would try something stupid and genocidal, at which point he would have to unleash something bad upon them.
FLAPJACKS: I was kidding. Doctor Who isn’t in Dungeons and Dragons.
ME: The Doctor is in everything. Except Noddy.
FLAPJACKS: Anyway I forgot why we were talking about Doctor Who when I want to play a paramander.
ME: You still haven’t told me what the fuck a paramander is.
FLAPJACKS: It’s like a paladin, but it’s true neutral.
ME: So they charge into battle yelling “for the glory of… everybody equally!”
FLAPJACKS: You know true neutral doesn’t work like that.
ME: True neutral doesn’t work at all. It’s a stupid alignment. Most of the alignments are stupid. That’s why they’re fun.
FLAPJACKS: You’re ruining this.
ME: Wait, so lemme get this straight. First they made paladins. Then, because D&D nerds like Frank Frazetta artwork a lot, they made anti-paladins, because anti-paladins couldn’t think of a better name.
FLAPJACKS: “Anti-paladin” is cool. Like antimatter.
ME: It’s a word for people who couldn’t invent words. I admit that “paramander” sounds neat. I’m not sure what it has to do with being true neutral, in between the lawful good paladin and the chaotic evil anti…
FLAPJACKS: What?
ME: I’m just guessing here, but I’m willing to bet whatever terrible Dragon magazine article that had the paramander in it had a paladin equivalent for every other alignment, didn’t it.
FLAPJACKS: Well. Yes.
ME: Like?
FLAPJACKS: There’s the chaotic good garath…
ME: So basically they’re saying that chaotic good paladins are all Scottish.
FLAPJACKS: I don’t – actually that kind of works.
ME: Of course it does. Next?
FLAPJACKS: The lyan, which is lawful neutral.
ME: Uh huh.
FLAPJACKS: The illrigger, which is lawful evil.
ME: He sounds piratey.
FLAPJACKS: Well, he wears platemail.
ME: That’s not very piratey. Illriggers have a very bad name. And not just because they’re evil. You’re an evil warlord, you need some pirates, somebody tells you “oh there’s this ninth level illrigger” and you’re all “well, I’m set” and then this knighty-guy shows up and you’re all “wait, where’s the illrigger I sent for?” And he’s all “I’m here” and you’re all “whaaaaaaaa?”
FLAPJACKS: You’re taking all the fun out of this.
ME: It’s first edition AD&D. It’s entirely likely that I’m injecting fun into it. What else?
FLAPJACKS: There’s the myrikhan and the arrikhan, which are the neutral good and neutral evil ones.
ME: Those sound like very “ninth-grader doodling on back of notebook” types of names.
FLAPJACKS: In the original Creation Argots their names mean “godservant” and “beastservant.”
ME: In the original what now?
FLAPJACKS: It says it in the article. Dragon magazine would not lie to me.
ME: Unless it was saying “hey, ‘baatezu’ is WAY cooler than ‘devil’ is. And ‘tanar’ri’ is much more awesome than ‘demon.'”
FLAPJACKS: Point.
ME: Wait, we haven’t done chaotic neutral yet.
FLAPJACKS: …I don’t want to.
ME: Come on. How bad could it be?
FLAPJACKS: …the fantra.
ME: The “fantra.”
FLAPJACKS: Yes.
ME: Wow.
FLAPJACKS: I know.
ME: Why do you want to play a paramander again?
FLAPJACKS: Because they get lots of cool powers.
ME: Neutral powers.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, I’ll just go play World of Warcraft instead.
ME: Fine.
FLAPJACKS: Can I borrow twenty dollars to renew my account?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: Can I borrow thirty dollars to not sit here and talk to you about paramanders?
ME: Done.
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31 users responded in this post
Whoa. When I first read the article title, I read it as “Jesus can control wands of wonder!” which, as I am both a minister and a dungeon master, immediately set my brain off on a very long dungeon crawling tangent. I need to wake up first before reading mgk.
Hey, I loved that article when I was in the ninth grade! 😉
Of course, now I look back, snicker a bit, and make sure no one sees my 4E books…
Myrikhans, eh? Like, the ladyparts accessory?
I totally remember that article, and I can’t believe you just did a post making fun of the idea of paramanders without mentioning that there was this alternate kind called a paremandyr that specifically went around killing powerful creatures of extreme alignment. Not sure about the spelling, but it definitely had an extra “y” in it, apparently on the theory that replacing random vowels with “y” makes any word more badass.
Oh god, I remember that article.
I’m so old.
My favorite part of that article was the Chaotic Neutral fantra’s Strict Code of Conduct that prevented him from ever following any rules.
I recall one of the classes got to use a d12 for hit points. Who cares about the rest of the fluff when they guy is getting more HP than the fighter?
Of course, they were for NPC use only. Which was why experience charts were included for each.
I’m tempted to send in my Dragon Magazine Archives to inspire more conversations with Flapjacks.
Oh man, I never thought I’d miss Dragon magazine. I’m glad I’m too awesome now to admit I bought the HELL out of that thing when I was a kid.
I remember that one too, AND the jesters who can control wands of wonder. That alone makes them the most awesome character class EVAH.
Am I the only one who envisions paramanders as some sort of paratrooper/salamander combo? I have to say I was a little disappointed that it wasn’t. I’m sure somewhere down the road Dragon Mag put out an article on precisely that and got pissed that they already used the name on meh-paladins (‘meh’ being the universal True Neutral battle cry)
Wait, wait…you could play a courtesan?
Dear WotC: Please put this into 4.0 somehow. Love, Dayna
I got the Dragon magazine where they have the 3rd edition versions of these. Fighting for neutrality seems kinda stupid, though. I wish they still published Dragon, it might even convince me to play 4th edition.
Anyway, Chris, what are you, too good to play D&D with your friend now that you’re a big shot lawyer?
I probably have that article somewhere.
There’s little today that is as cool as the gaming we did back in the day, using all the strange stuff TSR threw at the wall to see if it stuck. We still have a hell of a lot of fun, but it’s a different kind of fun from the freewheeling stuff you do before you’ve learned better. These days we know that the Archer class from the old Dragon was way overpowered, and that overpowered is bad. In those days it was all part of the fun.
I can’t think of anything other than the neutral planet in Futurama.
Do these paladins tell their wives they said “Hello”?
Being a lawyer has nothing to do with it. I’ve been too good to play D&D for years now.
While first edition D&D writers never knocked themselves out striving for game balance (you can have shitloads of psionic powers in addition to your class abilities, or none at all, based on a roll of the dice!) I always wondered what was supposed to balance out the various versions of paladins that din’t have to hew to lawful good restrictions.
Is there a particular reason to diss D&D or are you just moving to a new demographic?
Technically he’s dissing First Edition D&D.
And really, the article in question is rather silly.
*still hiding his 4E stuff*
@malakim: Given that there quite probably is a good cross-over section between his usual readers and roleplayers, I am not sure what he wishes to convey here. “I am not as nerdy as YOU!”, mayhaps?
And 4E is not D&D. :p Go play Pathfinder, like a REAL roleplayer. 😉
HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE ALIGNMENT MATRIX YOU MUST BE NEUTRAL EVIL TO BE SO HEARTLESS OR A SELFISH NEUTRAL OR POSSIBLY A POORLY-ROLEPLAYED GOOD WITH NEUTRAL TENDENCIES.
“Fighting for neutrality seems kinda stupid, though.”
it’s a big thing in Micheal Moorcock. there’s that Knight of the Balance guy… can’t remember his name, but he’s awesome
You know what’s sad?
1. On my Mac, I was able to open Spotlight and type ‘Paramander’ and get two hits: scans of Dragon Magazine.
2. And I have a physical copy of one of them within 20 feet of where I sit.
@Jon H:
I find that less sad then Super Awesome…
Also, both Mordenkainen (who’s nearly as much Gary Gygax’s “guy” as Xagyg) and Gord the Rogue are champions of neutrality, and they’re awesome.
“Paramanders do not exisit.”
http://www.dandwiki.com/wiki/Paramander_%283.5e_Prestige_Class%29
And 4E is not D&D. :p Go play Pathfinder, like a REAL roleplayer. 😉
Just so there doesn’t get to be some weird diversion into a 4E v. PF flamewar on MGK’s page…
I do play Pathfinder too. I just prefer 4E for ease of use and flexibility with rules and roleplay. Also, it’s more team-oriented.
Linking to an article on how worrying about Doctor Who canon is a dumb obstacle to enjoyment during a blogpost about rigid adherence to D&D alignments worked out rather well thematically.
Reading that wiki article on paramanders and paremandyrs reminded me how much I hated the concept of druids as neutrals. However, it made paramanders sound a lot like druids who grew and decided “Hey, platemail is amazing!”
Unfortunately, you can’t talk about Paramander Club.
And to think that people badmouthed me for not “getting into” D&D because I thought it was too complicated…
Well, that and the fact that all three missions I designed involved my character becoming the king of Darkness, but that’s a whole different story…
Have you guys ever gone wholly into new games and MMOs like WoW and 4E, and then gone back to good oldies like ultima, exodus for NES or old D&D?
There’s something to be said for the flavor and fun of those older systems over the newer ones. I never played original D&D, but I recently wanted a change from the stale design philosophy of “new” games, so I looked into it, and I definitely like what I see. There’s a distinct lack of homogenization and a strong emphasis on individuality unlike the new systems. Individuality for PCs or monsters is refreshing. OD&D reminds me a lot of Ultima: Exodus in that regard, of which I was an avid player.