I always like to throw one of these out from time to time and give readers the chance to request something particular. I never guarantee anything, but usually there’s a few things I end up wanting to write about thrown into the mix. (No “I should write X” requests. I do those on my own clock.) So go nuts, folks.

Meandering opening with only circumstantial connection to actual meat of post, containing one of

A) too many nothing connector words for folksy emphasis
B) multiple obscenities
C) a quote from either The Princess Bride or The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
D) all of the above.

Secondary paragraph, expanding on opening paragraph so that reader understands what post is actually about. Show of consternation or possibly enthusiasm, this latter only in rare circumstances. Additional pop-culture reference, made obliquely. Additional obscenities. Hyperlinks.

If subject of post nerdy, joke made at Geoff Johns’ expense here. (One time in three, follow up joke with disclaimer stating critical admiration of some of Geoff Johns’ work, for purpose of balance.) If subject of post not nerdy, joke made at Michael Ignatieff or Stephen Harper’s expense here. (Disclaimer never necessary and never used.)

.jpg file, possibly animated.

Final portion of post, summing up argument in relatively cohesive fashion (if reader not legally trained) or in disorganized but charming mess (if reader legally trained). Obscenities. Possibly snappy turn of phrase. Obscenities.

This is always on my “list of things I should do more often,” but I never do it as often as I might like.

Anyhow. What would y’all like me to discuss/write about in future posts? No guarantees, as per usual.

So my friend Rob was all “hey, every time a browser looks for your favicon.ico file and you don’t have one, it eats up CPU and RAM on your server.” And I said “that’s bad.” And he said “So get one.” So for the time being I’ve got a very tiny Brainiac Five up there.

But I would like a way more awesome favicon, so I thought I would throw it open to you, the readership. Make me a favicon that I like! In tune with the general themes of the site, which are

– MGK (the letters, or something else)
– Rex the Wonder Dog
– Intellectual awesomeosity
– Photoshop remixes
– a stack of flapjacks (seriously, dude, just stop it, it’s getting sad — MGK)
– Amusing crap
– “Other”

Winner gets – well, they get to see their favicon become the default favicon for this site. Is that not a prize worth more than gold?

thisguyvx, on the Ethan Van Sciver thread from Sunday:

Incidentally, I love how ANYTHING that echoes the non-screaming liberal viewpoint gets AUTOMATICALLY decried.

Honestly, it’s not EVS’s politics that bug me nearly so much as his debating style.

Summarizing his behaviour on the thread in question:

EVS: “The United States has a great degree of social mobility because of the policies we have enacted.”
SOMEBODY ELSE: “Actually, among first-world nations, it doesn’t. It’s not even close to the top. New Zealand is first, for example.”
EVS: “So move to New Zealand.”

That’s not substantive discussion: that’s just a blatant “fuck you.” It’s like arguing with somebody on a playground where they counter with “well, you’re a butthead!” It just shuts down conversation entirely, because you can’t have a rational talk with somebody who refuses to engage you honestly.

EVS was wrong, was corrected, and acted petulant – then, to irritate me further, started grandstanding about “civility” in the same thread where he accused his ideological opponents of being brain-dead. (It’s even more pronounced when in the same thread you have other conservative-leaning posters actually attempting to argue in good faith.)

And that’s what earned him the comparison to Byrne, who frequently does the same thing. Of course, Byrne has a lifetime of this sort of behaviour under his belt and this is the only time EVS has acted like this that I’ve seen, so I’m willing to extend him a little benefit of the doubt – but only a little, and frankly his replies in email have exhausted most of it.

And I’m not going to pretend that I’m a bastion of civility, but at least I try to argue in good faith, and when I say “fuck you” I don’t bother trying to hide it.

UPDATE: EVS has complained that I am mischaracterizing him, so here are the original quotes to which I was referring in the summary:

1.) (EVS): It’s not that ANYONE can succeed in this country if they aren’t lazy. They also have to be some combination of clever, thrifty, and lucky. People go as far as they are personally able to because this country makes that possible [emphasis mine]. Bad ideas, bad planning and yes, laziness, in business and in your personal life cause failure. And even then, there’s a chance to pull yourself up and start over again, without becoming addicted to Big Government programs.

2.) (“Charles RB”): Actually, that’s not true – studies keep showing that a number of other countries beat America in social mobility, with Sweden and I think Denmark or Norway always topping the list (and these are countries were a lot is paid in tax compared to the US). I think New Zealand beats you as well.

3.) (EVS): Well, there you have it, Dragonflye [commenter with whom EVS was arguing elsewhere in thread]. Move to New Zealand and get rich.

I allow the readership in general to decide if I have misrepresented him. I don’t think I have.

UPDATE TWO: Ethan responds in comments

Which is interesting information, but completely irrelevant to what I was saying. Putting aside the shaky validity of that list, since it’s impossible to compare nations with completely difference concentrations of populations and circumstances, I didn’t say, “America is THE BEST!” I was offering, “You also have a great chance at achieving wealth in America, like in few other countries in the world.”

Ethan, you’re applying a very tunnel-visioned approach to the argument as a whole.

Any argument about taxation is de facto an argument about societal policy (and its effectiveness) as a whole, because taxation policy serves as the alternator between public and private monies and what each of those monetary spheres can accomplish.

(Incidentally, asserting that you have a better shot at achieving wealth in America than in, say, Botswana, Laos or Somalia, is an irrelevant argument. It’s irrelevant because comparing stable, mature First World democracies to in-transition Third World countries or anarchic barely-there governments is kind of ridiculous, both because there’s no serious comparison to be made and because in the argument in question, which again is one about policy ends and aims, nobody is advocating for “hey, let’s ditch our mature government for a system of tribal leaders ruling by violence!”)

No – the discussion in question is about what combination of policies creates the best possible outcome for the citizenry of a given country, as well as how that best possible outcome is defined. Now, it’s perfectly all right – to take Ethan’s example – to advocate for a greater level of non-interference by government in private life, be that on a monetary/taxation level, a civil liberties level, or otherwise. The great question of modern policy debate is the appropriate level of balance between statism and liberty; statism provides stability and reliability, liberty provides dynamism and innovation. Neither of these are innate goods in and of themselves, of course; the USSR was a broken tyrannical government that was unfortunately pretty stable and reliable in how it operated, and the recent fiscal crises are an excellent example of how innovation is not always your friend.

Turning back to the question of social mobility. Ethan is utterly incorrect to suggest that it was “irrelevant,” because we traditionally view social mobility – the ability to rise from one’s socio-economic class through merit, or to be able to lose their standing in the same manner through inability – as a positive in society, and something we wish to encourage. Now, in an argument about taxation policy and level of government interference, if you assert that social mobility and the opportunity to succeed based on merit is to the good – as Ethan did – then if somebody says “well, in [other country here with a different philosophy of taxation and level of government interference], they have more social mobility,” then that automatically becomes relevant to the discussion at hand because it is an end product of that tax philosophy.

It’s entirely true that Ethan wasn’t asserting that “America is the best,” but that’s not the point and never was.

And one more thing, tangential at best but since he quoted himself from the thread:

you probably aren’t interested in the Government defining what is and is not proper moral behavior.

What on earth do you think criminal laws are exactly? And before you go to “well, those prevent harm,” let me assure you there are tons of criminal laws on the books where the question of harm is purely indirect and the crime in question is primarily moral. (Insider trading is an excellent example.)

So the nominations for the 2009 Bloggies have begun, and although I think the odds of winning anything are relatively low, I’d certainly like to try getting nominated in any of the following categories:

Best Canadian
Most Humourous
Best Written
Best Kept-Secret

So if you’re willing to go to the trouble of nominating me (and at least two other blogs, required by their nomination form – feel free to suggest anything in comments, I always like to look at sites people recommend), I’d appreciate it. As per usual, if you want to request a not-guaranteed post topic out of me, that is something you can also do in comments.

(And for the person who asked: Thursday Who’s Who is on hiatus until the end of exams.)

EDIT TO ADD: To clear up some confusion: it’s three different blogs overall, not per category. I’m not willing to ask people to do that much work.

Right now Apache is being a bit of a little bitch and keeps hanging (or crashing, one of them). Rest assured Top Staff are working on the problem.

In the meantime, here is Achievement Unlocked, which is joyfully meta.

So I have triumphed, as anybody looking to my sidebar can see, and become the Best Canadian Humour Blog for 2008, stomping my competition into the dust where they rightfully belong. However, in the midst of victory I am disquieted, for while I of course dominated the category, much like Hulk Hogan dominated his opponents during the 1980s, I did not dominate my category most powerfully when compared to a certain other category. That would be Best Activities Blog, won by a tsunami-like margin by Yarn Harlot, and if history is any guide Stephanie Pearl-McPhee will also win Best Blog overall by the same redonkulous amount.

This cannot be borne.

Some might say, “but Mr. Bird,” (no first names, you people, I’m better than you now because I have an award) “isn’t this only a self-aggrandizing plot to sate your own monstrous ego?” And the answer is of course no, for this is not the case. I am on a mission of divine providence, because it is obvious that Yarn Harlot is a blog filled with Nazis. Not the safe, adorable face-melting Nazis of Indiana Jones, but the most terrifying Nazis one could imagine! Like Edward Norton in American History X (before he went to prison and learned that black people are actually really cool), but EVEN WORSE!

Consider!

Fact. Consider this Yarn Harlot post from December 12th: “I’m still behind, and thanks to the schedule, I know exactly by how much – and that’s about 3 knitting hours. Three knitting hours ago I should have finished the Madeleinetosh Earl Greys, and I haven’t. God! I wish I could just invade Poland right now!”

Fact. “Yarn Harlot” anagrammizes to “Aryan Rolth.” I am not sure what a “rolth” is but you just know it has to be bad, because it is Aryan!

Fact. Yarn Harlot’s knitted garments conceal secret swastikas! They are not always evident on first glance. Consider, for example, this hat.

But now take another look!

You see? YOU SEE?

Fact. “Stephanie Pearl-McPhee” sounds uncannily like “Adolf Hitler.”

I believe these facts speak for themselves. We must stand up, as one, and unite to defeat this menace! And by “unite” I mean “do whatever I say.” So march forth! March to BLOG WAR! Though they may stab you repeatedly with knitting needles and entwine you with purl stitching, soldier on! We (IE, you) march for justice and honor and so forth! (Those readers who may themselves be knitters are permitted to act as noncombatant medics, pursuant to their ability to successfully pass a loyalty examination.)

Voting in the Canadian Blog Awards for Best Humour Blog ends… well, I’m not sure, but sometime either late today or tomorrow at the absolute latest. If you have not voted, vote! If you have voted, vote again from a different computer or something! Hold rallies! Petition your local mayoral office to hold an official MGK Jamboree Day!1 Floss with official MGK Brand Dental Floss!2

Same deal as always applies: you may request a post on something or whatever in exchange and I will definitely consider thinking about writing something vaguely in connection to your request. (Actually, a good deal of next week’s postery resulted from previous requests, mostly because I’m hitting crunch time at school and am too busy to come up with anything original or interesting on my own. WE ALL BENEFIT!)

If you are looking for a truly ringing site review, consider James Bow’s roundup, wherein he explains that I “post funny videos,” says that Skippy of Enjoy Every Sandwich is a “young and energetic young woman” (not only making sure to emphasize that Skippy is young, but also a different gender than I thought Skippy was), mischaracterizes the Useless Men as “essayists” rather than advice columnists, and claims that Mitchieville is a “good read.” In fairness, Bow did correctly point out that Noise to Signal is a web comic, presumably by using the power of sight. So, you know, one out of five, that’s better than George Bush is doing these days, amirite?

Also, I encourage all readers to heartily ignore Skippy’s hate-filled diatribes, wherein he grossly and falsely accuses me of being seventy thousand people or something because I am polite and give my past guest contributors who are welcome to add more content to my site whenever they wish (which is not often) a nice tribute by associating them with me as pointedly as I can do. Honestly, it is my life’s goal to become the number one Christopher Bird on the web, and surpass the guy who wrote The Secret Life Of Plants.

(True story: back when I first got onto Usenet in 1993, I used to get one or two emails a month from people asking if I was that Christopher Bird. This persisted until about 1998. Those of you who read the Wikipedia article will note that the other Christopher Bird died in 1996. You may draw your own conclusions as to whether this means that people are innately stupid or innately optimistic or both.)

In conclusion: as P. Diddy once said, “vote or die.”3

1. Do not emulate the example of those people in Schnectady. I still get angry letters about the fatalities. Like it’s my fault they gave the kids broken-glass pinatas. I didn’t even endorse that company! [↩]
2. “Sometimes you must fight the crocodile that is gingivitis!” [↩]
3. Hey, does anybody else remember 720? The skateboarding videogame? “Skate… OR DIE!” God, that was a great game. They should remake it with P. Diddy, if only to see him get attacked by killer bees. [↩]

So my earlier round of begging has paid off handsomely and I am a FINALIST in the Canadian Blog Awards for Best Humour Blog. Clearly, you must go vote for me. Same deal as previously applies! Vote for me and you can totally ask me to write about something! And I may even do it.

However, I am entirely balanced and fair, so let us first examine the other four finalists in this category.

Noise to Signal is a comic strip (well, single-panel strip, much like The Far Side, but with no cows) masquerading as a blog. It is not unamusing, but come on! A comic strip is not a blog! Rob Cunningham is very clearly cheating, and as such, any potential humour value that his strip provides must obviously be meaningless in comparison to the sheer outrage I am sure you are feeling right now over his attempts to pull wool over your eyes. Also, I post a lot more than Rob “Once A Week If You’re Lucky” Cunningham, so be aware that his “quality not quantity” arguments are completely meritless. That he has made none of these arguments so far is utterly besides the point, because we all know cartoonists are shifty, and that they will lie and cozen their way into your heart with pretty, false words, then stab you with a butcher knife and draw unholy symbols with your blood. Or is that Satanists? I can never tell the difference. And you know why? Oh, I think you do.

Useless Advice From Useless Men is an advice column wherein I am unsure if the letters are for real or not. It doesn’t really matter. (Unless they are fake, in which case their site is filled with lying liars and clearly they are unworthy of your vote.) It’s competent, clever stuff and the guy(s) writing it could probably get a real job writing something somewhere if they tried. That having been said: one post a week. I feel like a slacker when I only put in one post per day. Admittedly some of them are hyperlinks, but you love hyperlinks, don’t you? What’s that? You want more original material? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU I AM ONLY HUMAN YOU ARE SQUEEZING BLOOD FROM A STONE HERE! Or, more accurately, “I will get right on that.”

Mitchieville is the token “here is a right-wing blog that online righties think is funny.” This is another way of saying “they are not actually funny.” Yes, I know they think that “hurr hurr hurr liberals are dumb” is the height of wit and that just saying “politically correct” is a punchline (much like “Cucamunga” or “Walla Walla” are innately funny place names), but just like Larry the Cable Guy, the Half Hour News Hour and anything Dennis Miller did after 9/11, it turns out that bitterness and spite do not actually substitute well for comic insight or a sense of timing. However, you just know that Small Dead Animals and Free Dominion and the rest of the right-wing freakosphere are going to take this string of insults what I have just written as proof that left-wingers are full of hatred or something, and organize a massive get-out-the-vote campaign for Mitchieville. Which is kind of depressing. Also, they have a guy writing for them named “Fenris Badwulf,” which is quite possibly the best bad pseudonym of all time. I mean, “Fenris Badwulf” is the sort of name World of Warcraft players look at and say, “man… that’s a bit much.”

Enjoy Every Sandwich is a left-wing blog, and the writer has quite a sense of flair and is quite entertaining as medium-length essayists go. I would certainly vote for him for Best Progressive Blog! However, he is my competition in this category, so forget everything I just said because clearly he is a douchebag with no social skills or originality who steals traffic from starving orphan websites who have whooping cough and/or the dropsies. How low can he sink? He gave his readers titties in exchange for voting. (Did any of you people want titties in exchange for voting? Well, forget it, because I have principles, and will only give you money and possibly drugs.)

But really, the reason to vote for me isn’t that these other sites are obviously low-key hackwork operations run on slave labour and sodomy. The reason to vote for me is because I bring you what nobody else does. Do these other sites go back into the mists of time to inform you how J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis talked when they hung out? Do they introduce you to the cast of American Gladiators? Do they explain Hollywood for you or warn you about the Count or Photoshop old comic book advertisements or talk about action figures or link back to that Atari boxes post you already saw six times at other sites while trying to pimp themselves or expose you to the glory that is Flapjacks?

And most importantly, are they officially sponsored by Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog?

I think not. So, in addition to voting for me, tell all of your friends! Then make them tell all of their friends! Use force if necessary.

This here site has been nominated1 for Best Humour Blog2 in the 2008 Canadian Blog Awards,3 and I would particularly like to win the award, on the basis of I have not won any awards since I played kiddie league soccer and even then I never got to be a forward but instead always got stuck as a defensive midfielder, which if you know kiddie league soccer is the equivalent of deep right field.

So please go and vote for my blog! Assuming I make it to the later rounds I will probably beg you all to vote again, which I am sure you will appreciate deeply. As additional incentive, I will leave this post open for comments from people who vote, and anybody who wants me to weigh in on a topic may request a post on the topic of their choice.4

EDIT TO UPDATE: Looking at my competition, there’s a bunch of personal blogs that smack of “my friend thinks I’m funny,” a couple of political blogs known for being snarky and sarcastic, one or two other blogs that actually genuinely try to write funny things on a regular basis, and Raymi the Minx, who I believe is in this category on the basis that her blog is unintentionally funny. So if I don’t win, I promise to throw a massive tantrum and send you all rotten eggs in the mail. You have been warned!

1. And I didn’t even do it myself! I am so pleased. [↩]
2. Which finally answers the question of “what category this blog goes in for blog awards.” I would have given myself a nomination in Best Miscellaneous Blog, but they don’t have that one. [↩]
3. AKA “The Juno Awards of blog awards,” assuming you know what the Juno Awards are; you may not [↩]
4. Which in no way means I’m guaranteeing that I’ll write about it, but I will at least promise to consider it, and that is nearly as good. [↩]

I still hate Twitter (and boy do I especially hate Loudtwitter collection posts). But people have asked/suggested that I set it up so that posts here are forwarded to a Twitter account (what I have set up), and I am nothing if not willing to make the site more accessible to my readership.

So now post announcements will be Twittered. Rest assured I will not use Twitter for anything else.

So this is what happened.

continue reading "EM GEE KAY TOO POINT OH"

From comments:

Myspace filtered this site (more specifically a direct link to the original magic cards post) as a virus source. would not let a friend post this in their bulletins.

Anybody know anything more about this? I try to be extremely vigilant to keep spam commenting off site (I run two spam comment blockers, which is why sometimes a comment gets eaten, but I scan the blockers to make sure they show up eventually). But if there’s something else I don’t know about, I’d like to know, you know?

Toronto readers (or non-Toronto readers familiar with Toronto) could, if they were so inclined, nominate me for Best Blog in the NOW Best Of Toronto Awards. I doubt I have a shot, but what the hell, I am not above request-whoring.