Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get me some ribs. Happy Canada Day.

ME: You know, I rather think the whole Photoshopping thing is getting a bit predictable these days.
MYSELF: I was thinking that myself. I mean, it’s almost getting to be a schtick, isn’t it?
ME: And you’ve got to figure there’s more interesting things to Photoshop than just grabbing a selection of some element of pop-culture nostalgia…
MYSELF: Like Pele bicycle-kicking a buffalo in the nuts.
ME: Whoa. How did I think of that?
MYSELF: My creative process is something of a mystery. Even to me.
ME: That is true.
MYSELF: So I’m settled then. No more pastiches of Photoshoppery. From this point forth, my next Photoshop project is Pele bicycle-kicking a buffalo in the nuts.
ME: Or possibly an elephant.
MYSELF: Or the late Generalissimo Franco.
Enter FLAPJACKS.
FLAPJACKS: Hey, dude, look what I just scored: a whole whack of those old Fighting Fantasy gamebooks!

ME: …God dammit.

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In honor of this event, I feel the need to contribute to the “I Am Aware Of All Internet Traditions” meme freshly being birthed into the web.

So.

(because lolcats are now traditional, see)

Via Norman Wilner.

Bit of a busy day today, so in short of any meaningful original content, here is relatively meaningless unoriginal content.

(All this post needs is a Battlestar Galactica reference and it would be the nerdiest post ever.)

Apparently there is a movie version of Pac-Man in the works.

All righty then. But I thought they already made that?

Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic candidate for president in all but name, the nation turns to consider his nominee for Vice-President. Who should fill the role? There are, of course, many possibilities.

John Edwards

PROS:
- shared message of change and battle against entrenched corporate interests in Washington
- leading progressive figure in the Democratic party
- strengthens Obama’s support with white males
- helps in North Carolina, a potential swing state
- nice hair

CONS:
- track record of not quite, like, you know, winning elections
- suffers in the vital “people who hate sons of millworkers” demographic

Senator Jim Webb

PROS:
- helps in Virginia, a large swing state
- also helps with white males
- will energize Democratic fundraising across the board when he asks Veronica Lodge for help in the election

CONS:
- not exactly a pro-women’s rights candidate
- seen by many as too conservative a Democrat for such an important position
- will attract the attention of notable political dirty trickster Reggie Mantle

Senator Joe Lieberman

PROS:
- makes Obama look much, much taller
- theoretically helps with independent voters
- reassures voters that unpleasant-but-survivable status quo will remain essentially untouched
- his nomination would ensure that David Broder, David Brooks, George Will, and Mickey Kaus would all get such massive erections that they would die of lack of blood flow to the brain

CONS:
- is Joe Lieberman
- no, seriously, is Joe Lieberman

Alice Cooper

PROS:
- will introduce America to desperately needed alternative diets, IE, eating a snake live on stage
- no way in hell anybody tries to assassinate Obama now
- campaign will be the first campaign in history to have good theme music

CONS:
- campaigned against John Kerry in 2004, could depress base
- “School’s Out” evidences dangerous potential for interest in school privatization, which could hurt campaign with teacher’s unions
- may steal Michelle Obama’s mascara

Optimus Prime

PROS:
- heroic
- beloved by millions of people
- doesn’t need his own Secret Service detail, as he is a giant battle robot
- can voice over his own ads and it will be awesome

CONS:
- Energon needs may betray problematic views on energy policy
- although technically able to assume presidency on grounds that adoption of current big-rig transformed form counts as a “rebirth” and it happened on American soil, expect a court challenge to his viability
- predictable target of negative ads: “How Do We Know He Will Not Go Insane And Try To Exterminate Humanity?”
- likely Megatron endorsement of John McCain in response

13th President of the United States Millard Fillmore

PROS:
- adds disaffected Whigs and Know-Nothings to Obama’s crossover appeal
- counters Obama’s perceived weakness with white males by appealing to vital slave-owning demographic
- has already taken over from one President, so ready on day one should Obama die of “hypothermia” (wink wink)
- “Millard Fillmore” one of the rare names which makes “Barack Obama” sound downright normal

CONS:
- has been dead for 134 years
- probably smells pretty bad now

A Kitty

PROS:
- Awwwww! Lookit da kitty!
- KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY KITTY
- Whosagoodboynow? Whosagoodboynow? YOU are! Yes YOU are!

CONS:
- no, you can’t have any of my tuna
- seriously, get away from my food, cat
- aw, dammit, I thought we litterbox-trained this little bastard already

Monsieur Ting!, Mime Extraordinare

PROS:
- will revolutionize energy policy by teaching America to harness “invisible wind” power
- will never, ever say anything embarrassing to the campaign
- and yet, remarkably eloquent!

CONS:
- predictable “France-lover” attacks
- tendency to get stuck in invisible box
- tends to see world in black-and-white

Dr. Perry Cox

PROS:
- antiwar credibility: opposed war from beginning
- almost always right about everything
- gives additional credibility on healthcare reform
- likely to be absolutely overpowering in vice-presidential debate

CONS:
- kind of a jerk
- personal life (unmarried common-law relationship with two kids) somewhat colorful for a potential nominee
- predilection of calling Obama “Newbie”

M’Kha-ane, AKA “The Martian John McCain”

PROS:
- Sacrificed greatly in Spleeg-Vurtm War, was in Spleeg prisoner of war camp for 27 astrocycles but did not talk; shows character
- Telepathic powers of great tactical value to the campaign
- Will bring a lot to the table in interplanetary trade agreements
- makes Obama seem less exotic

CONS:
- religious beliefs (member, Church of Xygyyszzz the Conqueror Undying) may prove thorny issue in campaign
- refuses to share vital raygun technology with Army researchers
- feeds exclusively on juices found in human spleen
- cannot lift arms above head due to differences in Martian anatomy

The Entire State of Ohio

PROS:
- guarantees crucial swing state of Ohio in November
- earns points with neighboring states which will feel more important
- two words: fried cheese

CONS:
- Ohio kind of sucks
- you just know Florida is going to get jealous
- difficulty of fitting entire state into Naval Observatory

Lex Luthor

PROS:
- captain of industry, genius scientist
- swings Kansas firmly into Democratic column
- can fund many downticket races on his own dime if asked

CONS:
- may force Superman to support Republican candidate
- obsession with Kryptonite collection worrying
- serial cake theft evidences potential kleptomania

An Enormous Sundae

PROS:
- gains support of entire dairy industry
- as well as corn industry (syrups)
- is extremely delicious

CONS:
- promotes unhealthiness in American diet
- may alienate millions of lactose-intolerant Americans
- engages partisanship in base, who would prefer to see Gigantic Stack Of Waffles as nominee instead

Kcarab Amabo, AKA The Mirror Universe Barack Obama

PROS:
- All of the genius and inspiration of Barack Obama
- Just as likeable as Barack Obama
- In a pinch can replace Barack Obama if he shaves his goatee

CONS:
- Evil
- Like, whoa, totally evil
- We are so not kidding about the evil

SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON

PROS:
- yep, there are some

CONS:
- yep, there are some

At the tail end of my last I Should Write The Legion, I promised that this one would feature the “biggest badass” in the Legion, and the guesses were predictable: Brainiac Five, of course, but also Superboy and Star Boy, plus a couple of emails betting it was Wildfire.

All of them are cool, mind you, but when you’re talking sheer badass that is off the charts, there’s only one nominee.

She’s a ridiculously powerful telepath. Her mental abilities have at times managed to hold off gods. She’s made entire groups of Legionnaires believe that missing comrades were alongside them for months at a time, lobotomized enemies, beaten other top-league telepaths like rented mules. In terms of sheer power, Imra Ardeen is near the top of any scale upon which the Legion can be judged.

(Aside: I remember someone once asked me to explain the appeal of the Legion. The conversation went like this. “Do you like Magneto?” “Yeah.” “Professor X?” “Yeah.” “Superman?” “Yeah.” “Wolverine?” “Yeah.” “Imagine all of them on the same team, together, plus Iceman and Firestar and Mr. Fantastic minus the stretching and a bunch of other equally powerful characters. That’s the Legion. They kick ass.”)

But what makes Saturn Girl the biggest badass in the Legion isn’t that she’s powerful. Lots of Legionnaires are powerful, after all. What makes her the biggest badass in the Legion is her inherent pragmatism - recently pointed out quite adeptly by Jim Shooter when she calmly mind-controlled Timber Wolf to stop him from killing somebody in a fit of rage, then mindwiped all the onlookers to make them forget that Timber Wolf snapped. Is this a violation of both T-Wolf and the assorted citizen’s mental dignity? Yes, that’s exactly what it was - and she did it anyway because it was necessary.

In his run initiating the current Legion, Mark Waid placed Cosmic Boy and Brainiac Five in opposition to one another. I always felt this missed the mark, because Cosmic Boy has the Captain America role in the Legion - he’s the guy the team rallies around, the purest and most natural leader, the one who is, by definition, going to be on the right side. Placing someone in opposition to Cosmic Boy is like, I dunno, putting Captain America on one side of a superhero-versus-superhero conflict and then asking readers not to think of the other side as the de facto “bad guys.” It made Brainiac Five seem almost villainous.

However, Brainy does need a counter in the Legion, because his intellectual and moral role within the team is so powerful, and Saturn Girl is exactly the person to take on the job. She’s tough and smart, and her steady pragmatism is the perfect foil for Brainy’s powerful idealism. The way I see it, there are things Brainiac Five just will not do as a matter of principle, even if they are necessary. (A great story in the initial-reboot Legion had him refuse to use the Metal Men’s responsometers to help the timelost Legion get home without their permission, once he realized they were sentient intelligences.)

Saturn Girl, on the other hand, is a lot more willing to bite the bullet. It’s just who she is. Which in turn means the two of them will be at odds with one another frequently. Not team-dividing warfare or anything; simply the collision of two equally valid yet ultimately opposed perspectives.

(Oh, and since I know people will ask: she’s with Lightning Lad because Garth is, in many ways, the Captain Carrot of the Legion - he’s not brilliant, but he’s moral and upright and just plain good, through and through. Do you really think a telepath could manage to be with anybody else?)

EDIT TO ADD: I didn’t want to elaborate too much on why Saturn Girl is pragmatic, but Brad pretty much explained it for me in comments below:

Saturn Girl isn’t pragmatic, because it’s an extention of her desire for control, or peace, or some kind of moral imperitive - she’s just been raised in a society that’s to some extent a psychic open-book. Much of our laws about freedom and rights (and justice) are because we can’t ever know what someone’s actual intent is behind their actions or what their capacity to act on those intents are. Titanians have no such limitations.

Exactly.

So I hit up a garage sale over the weekend and bought a genuine, working-condition Atari 2600, with a huge stack of games nearly mint in their boxes, for a song. I thought I’d scan the box covers and give you all a look back into the fun of yesteryear.

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So recently John Byrne did a one-off “my version” drawing of Dr. Doom in response to the now-infamous Brian Michael Bendis “bad dialogue” Doom panel from Mighty Avengers #11.

Well, let no man say I don’t give them equal treatment.

Recently the internet has gotten in a tizzle over Brian Michael Bendis’ dialogue for Dr. Doom in Mighty Avengers. Like so:

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: Political disagreements aside, he was a hell of an actor and made some awesome movies, so godspeed to him.

Delivered to my inbox by virtuous elves, acting in secret: Gemstone have signed “new, hot talent,” to take over on Donald Duck and Friends with issue #375, and I am pleased to have the chance to present to you two pages from the issue. My source refused to name the new writer, but I have a definite hunch as regards his identity. It’s certainly a radical, daring shift for a Disney property, but I honestly think this new approach will bring in an as-yet untapped crossover market.

Because everybody loved it so much…

I know you think many of your favorite critically acclaimed comics are original works, but it is my sad duty to inform you that most of them are warmed-over replicas of passionately brilliant works from the Silver Age. It’s hard to accept that these creators have so callously and wholly avoided crediting their predecessors for the ideas from which they have made their careers, but these original comics deserve the acclaim of which they have been robbed.

I first discovered these titles going through a bargain bin at a garage sale, as one makes so many comics discoveries. I was shocked by what I discovered.

Be forewarned: if you value your innocence as a comics consumer, do not attempt to view these images. You will only end up being disappointed in your favorite writers.

Adventures of the Fable Folk only ran a mere seventeen issues before being cancelled, but the rampant imagination of writer Horley McLachlan is unparalleled. Bill Willingham lifted entire story arcs from plots that McLachlan resolved in eighteen pages - and satisfactorily, to boot. McLachlan subtly builds a love triangle between Bigby Wolf, Snow White and Cinderella, hinting at bisexual attraction between the respective women in a way that makes one wonder what he would have done with it had he not been forced to work within the social mores of the time. Fascinating if you can pick it up, but difficult to do, as the reason for the comic’s modern obscurity is shocking: “Fableheads” were one of the earliest organizers of dedicated-subject conventions, and all 1,245 fans of the comic were killed at the inaugural convention when the roof collapsed. DC immediately cancelled the title and now refuses to admit that it ever existed. Unsurprisingly, the writer of Yorick, The Last Man On Earth was a woman: Sally Polenti, a trailblazer in the comics field and almost totally unknown today. Her work on Yorick is more soap-opera-ish, perhaps, than Brian K. Vaughan’s - but then again, she also doesn’t have any of those Trivial Pursuit factoids Vaughan seems compelled to insert into any and all narratives he writes. And if you thought Vaughan’s depiction of the longing between 355 and Yorick was hot - well, Polenti’s positively smolders. Plus, mad scientists in just about every issue. Girls Romance Comics went out of business in 1958, and most of its writers went into television writing, explaining why it’s now a footnote in comics history. Highly recommended. An early Robert Kanigher war comic, before he really started to cut loose on the joyous weirdness that came to become a trademark of his career at DC. Kanigher’s work here is still crazy, mind you, but it’s an eerie sort of plausible craziness, especially in light of what we now know about the weirdness of the completely militarized North Korean society. The issue where Matthew Roth (who never picks up a gun throughout the series) leads his platoon through a field filled with blindfolded North Korean soldiers practicing “alertness exercises” is a highlight. I don’t think Marvel got the rights to this, but it doesn’t matter in any case, considering that the Army censored this title and seized all copies of it they could find. If you find an issue, hold onto it; they’re worth a lot. This early-70s DC horror comic lasted a mere five issues before being scrapped, ostensibly to avoid competition with Kirby’s The Sandman. Every issue featured a Hob Gadling backup story. Mervyn Pumpkinhead was a cannibal monster introduced in issue #2, and Morpheus himself was more of a dealer out of ironic punishments than an anthropomorphic personification of human beliefs. ‘ A fairly traditional war comic, but centered around the Navy rather than the Army (as most war comics of the time focused on ground-pounders). Sea-Guy is good, entertaining fun, and fairly straightforward, but never anything less than completely engaging. The “Invisibles” referred to on the cover were the book’s backup strip: a team of elite frogmen infiltrators. They also explain the book’s disappearance - DC wanted to make sure that the emerging Sea Devils property faced no competition from its other comics. Originally this comic was simply entitled The Future Reporters, but along the way one of the supporting characters became more and more popular. Two issues after this one, it was retitled Spider Jerusalem and the Future Reporters, and then five issues after that it simply became Spider Jerusalem and remained that way for another two years. The reason it faded into obscurity? A nasty lawsuit initiated by Steve Ditko combined with a weird distribution scheme meant that this title was only printed in Morocco. But it sold very well there.

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