Sometimes this column is difficult, because a concept is so sublimely wonderful. These are rare moments, but true ones, ones to be savoured.
Do I really need to explain how fantastic this is?
First off, it is a giant wheel. We all remember the brief villainous stint of Big Wheel in the Spider-Man comics fondly – he was the one who drove his wheel-like attack vehicle into the river and drowned because he was an idiot. But his giant attack wheel was nifty. Now take Big Wheel and multiply his novelty value by about ten million percent. That is the War Wheel. The Nazis did not fuck around when it came to war machinery in real life; therefore, comic book Nazis would obviously have to come up with even crazier shit.
It is a wheel made for warring. The War Wheel is eleventy stories high. It has spiked teeth, just in case its massive weight wasn’t enough to provide grip. Its axle provides a natural mounting point for machine gun nests. It is made of solid Holycrappium, the toughest element known to mad science, and it is powered by an occult fusion engine running on a million gallons of baby blood. Hitler used it to conquer Denmark all by itself, which is why now, in the DC universe, Danish people shit themselves whenever they see a unicycle.
The War Wheel knows no pity, no mercy, no fear. (Because it is a wheel.) IT WILL CRUSH YOU.
Totally deserved. You know this.
Top comment: The War Wheel turns when all the Nazis inside lean to the right or left. — Bill Reed
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“It is made of solid Holycrappium,”
That made my day.
And of course Rex the Wonder Dog chases the War Wheel every time it rolls by his house – but he *does* know what he’d do if he caught it.
Wasn’t the War Wheel in that one Justice League episode where the team traveled back in time to World War II and fought Vandal Savage?
Not to bring physics into it, even mad physics, but how does it turn?
And was this thing ever on Super Friends? I’m getting a very strong “I’ve seen this in a cartoon” impression (and, no, Episode III doesn’t count). Maybe the JLU episode with the Blackhawks?
John said on February 26th, 2009 at 9:57 am: Not to bring physics into it, even mad physics, but how does it turn?
I’m pretty sure it’s either nuclear fission or mad hamsters. Maybe both, in which case the mad hamsters are also mutants…which makes total sense in comic-book physics and biology!
Yes, there were War Wheels in the Blackhawks episode of JLU. Also in the multi-part JL goes back in time and fights Vandal Savage episodes from an earlier season.
I could tell from the picture alone that this was going to be either a total failure or an absolute win.
…this appeared on the 90s Spider-Man animated series. I’m totally serious; the color scheme was green and blue and the villains using it were glorified XTREEEEM bank robbers, but this was what they used. Seriously, does anyone remember this? It was the ROcket Racer episode (yes, Rocket Racer was in the 90s Spider-Man show as well).
Since it’s 91% “Rex the Mother-Fucking Wonderdog,” it should probably be henceforth referred to as “the War Mother-Fucking Wheel.”
rbx5: That was Big Wheel, not War Wheel.
The only thing better would be a Honda Civic jacked up on 4 of these bitches.
Do you take requests? Cuz it’s just a crime that a certain Vartox has never been mentioned.
In John Shirley’s “Eclipse” series, the crypto-Nazi security company who were the chief baddies used things like these as terror and anti-insurgency weapons (though IIRC, their PR justification was that they were used for clearing rubble).
Near the end of the first book, one was driven through the Arc d’Triomphe.
For those wondering how the War Wheel turns…
It doesn’t! War Wheel needs none of your pathetic “turning!” When War Wheel wants to change direction, it simply changes the direction the Earth is facing! War Wheel runs over physics like it runs over pathetic humans!
It has always been insane to me that so many heroes, who got their start saving ferris wheels at county fairs would conveniently forget how to wreck one when one of these things came barreling down on them.
The people behind the Victory Gundam anime made something like the War Wheel, only they hollowed that sucker out so that giant robots could ride around in it like an overgrown Segway. That’s only a sideways step in crazy, but a huge step back for AWESOME.
The War Wheel turns when all the Nazis inside lean to the right or left.
Also: This is why my Blackhawk pitch involves the War Wheel. On Dinosaur Island.
Eye-Roller, you know I happend to pick up an old Action Comic at the flea-market the other day that featured Vartox (don’t recall the number off the top of my head, but his planet had just expolded and he’d abandoned the “Sombero” galaxy for earth). The whole time I could only think “it’s SuperZardoz!” Well, when I wasn’t wondering why he didn’t set up shop at any of the other planets in his galaxy.
I hope that in the DCU, the War Wheel manufacturing plant took a path similar to that of Volkswagen, and now people drive around in their own personal War Wheels.
@John: Vartox went to Earth, probably because being identical to Sean Connery would get him lots of booty. So he became a security guard and started dating Lana Lang. Later, he did find a planet to protect, but it was full of crazy people who wanted to sacrifice him.
You don’t see characters like these anymore…
Actually, I’d say it is even more awesome than Rex the Wonder Dog. Like say 120% on the Rex scale.
I love this, I wholeheartedly agree, and Unus the Humiliator is right with me:
http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/02/26/age-of-apocalypse-preview-unus-and-the-infinites/
Good boy, Rex.
Oh, duh: I thought the War Wheel appeared in Byrne’s Batman & Captain America, but it was a generic Nazi super-tank. It gets taken out in two pages, because Cap jams his shield into the gears…
If that had been a War Wheel, we’d all be sprechin’ the deutsch.
All the argument over how it could turn…
The thing couldn’t even ROLL. The center would just spin around as it sat in place.
It’d have to have some sort of stabilizing gyroscope-thing, along with some means of turning the external wheel while the center stayed in place.
It’d… probably work like a super-segway.
ER: fair point, but you know if I were Cosmic-Connery I’d go for the “young, trim, full head of hair” Connery. I suppose the “charmingly natural receeding hairline” Connery has its charms, and “distinguished bearded” Connery is full of win, but why in the world would you go for the “thigh-high boots, vest-without a shirt, loincloth and pornstash” edition. Clearly, Sombrero Galaxy logic is quite different from our own.
*Sniff*
I almost wish that Hitler really conquered Denmark this way. In reality, the invasion itself only cost a handful of lives and all Danish civil institutions survived. The cabinet didn’t even flee or resign following the invasion, opting instead to enter into close cooperation with the Nazis. Had we not joined the US coalition against Iraq, this might have caused us to be dubbed “pastry-eating surrender monkeys.”
I’d totally trade this shame for shitting myself whenever I see a unicycle
It’s not a completely unviable design.
http://blog.modernmechanix.com/mags/ModernMechanix/9-1935/unicycle.jpg
Whether it would scale up to something the size of an apartment building is another matter.
I’m curious. How does Holycrappium compare to Goddamnite and Sweetchrismasium?
Oh, my mistake, Goddamnite is a gas at room temperature.
That wheel is the reason the US needed both Sgt. Rock AND Rex the Wonder dog.
Plus, it is carried by blimp. I mean…
Yeah.
Hitler used it to conquer Denmark all by itself, which is why now, in the DC universe, Danish people shit themselves whenever they see a unicycle.
Well played sir. Masterfully in fact. I nearly snorted my soda reading that bit.
So awesome, it went into the Amalgam Universe completely unchanged except for blaming Zemo for it.
I feel obliged to point out Captain Carrot #16 to anyone fascinated by big wheels, or in this case, “The Screaching Tyre”, manned of course by a hamster jogger named Starsky N Hatch.
http://www.comics-db.com/comic-book/1016640-Captain_Carrot_16.html
John: There really is a galaxy called “the sombrero galaxy” by professional astronomers.
That tank in the Batman/Captain America book was extremely rounded though. I wonder if initially it was drawn as a warwheel?
World War 2 had the War Wheel, Iron Munro and Baron Blizkreig.
World War Hulk had…what, exactly?
Actually, I’d say it is even more awesome than Rex the Wonder Dog. Like say 120% on the Rex scale.
To make the War Wheel as awesome as Rex the Wonder Dog you would have to use it to do all the ridiculous things that Rex the Wonder Dog does. It would have to be like,
In this issue: War Wheel wrestles a T-Rex!
In this issue: War Wheel lassos a bull!
In this issue: War Wheel parachutes into a war zone!
In this issue: War Wheel hijacks a War Wheel!
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