I totally forgot to put together a self-whoring campaign for the Canadian Blog Awards! I was going to do rude animated GIFs and everything.
Oh, well. There’s always next year, I suppose.
15
Jan
I totally forgot to put together a self-whoring campaign for the Canadian Blog Awards! I was going to do rude animated GIFs and everything.
Oh, well. There’s always next year, I suppose.
15
Jan
The GOP Presidential candidates as Buffy the Vampire Slayer villains.
Also, the Presidential field as Star Wars characters.
14
Jan
For those inclined to read such things, my weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.
14
Jan
This is probably going to be the last one of these I have time to do for a while; law school is already starting to ramp back up the intensity metre.
But I’m rather happy with it, and if “One More Day” was just too static and boring to mock, at least “Brand New Day” isn’t, despite thus far having a near-total lack of Peter Parker actually being Spider-Man, and despite Steve McNiven apparent belief that Peter really, really likes running his hands through his hair. (I don’t know what it is about Steve McNiven’s art that prompts me to do these things.)
Not included: the three pages introducing Mister Negative, both because I felt they impeded the remixed narrative and because I don’t want to condemn the creation of potentially interesting new villains.
14
Jan
Everybody who’s complained that Barack Obama is all fluff and no substance really needs to read this piece. I was going to link to it earlier but couldn’t find it, then somebody thoughtfully mentioned it in a post somewhere else.
Short short version: the man is a skilled politician who knows very well how to get change accomplished for the better.
13
Jan
So I’m going to be on Team Bloggers for this year’s edition of CBC’s Test the Nation. (It is airing on the 20th at 8 p.m.)
Which doesn’t particularly mean I will become famous or anything, but, you know – it’s fun to be on television! Even if it only is for a few seconds’ worth of airtime.
So watch it! I demand your attention even moreso than usual.
11
Jan
Read his WSJ column on Barack Obama.
His trash talking was an unattractive carryover from his days playing pickup basketball at Harvard…
DID YOU KNOW THAT BARACK OBAMA IS A BLACK MAN?
He is often lazy, given to misstatements and exaggerations and, when he doesn’t know the answer, too ready to try to bluff his way through.
HE IS A LAZY BLACK MAN TOO!
he was the only candidate, Democratic or Republican, to use a teleprompter to deliver his Iowa and New Hampshire election-night speeches.
INTELLECTUALLY INFERIOR BLACK MAN!
As I have said before about Dane Cook, I would give all my earthly possessions to kick Karl Rove repeatedly in the nuts until he was incapable of breeding.
11
Jan
It’s been a rough week for some of you, I am sure. So I offer this to cheer you up.
11
Jan
CapnAndy:
Grant Morrison just disappeared into some mystic otherworld, and what’s worse, he took all his notes for Final Crisis with him. In desperation, DC’s given the job to you. Assume that you’ve got to let Countdown and all its myriad spinoffs run their previously planned courses, but then the plot is yours to run as you see fit — how does YOUR version of Final Crisis go?
I don’t want to give away all the details, but let me just say five words: giant banana cream pie fight.
Darthjesus:
Coleslaw – delicious or not?
Depends. There are of course two types of coleslaw: the type made with vinegar and the type made with mayonnaise. This latter is also known as “the demon slaw.”
Adam:
The Bop in the bop sho bop sho bop. Who put it there?
Shep Wooley. Duh.
Greg:
So I’ve stopped reading DC’s main superhero titles. Is it me or is it them?
Maybe you’re just growing up. I mean, you can’t read Batman forever, can you?
No, wait, of course you can read Batman forever. Batman is awesome and will always be awesome. So it’s them!
(Whew.)
El Bastardo Magnifico:
“Remember, remember the fifth of November.” “THIS. IS. SPARTA!” What do you think is the next godawful comic catchphrase that seemingly just won’t die?
“I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with me.” There is no way Zack Snyder doesn’t put that in the movie, and no way does it not become lolcatted to fucking hell and back.
Mint Witch:
Have you ever seen Danny Michel live? Have you ever heard of Danny Michel? Would you consider providing floor space for two complete strangers (Americans no less) to sack out upon for a few hours during their epic, cross-North America, quest to pursue that holiest of Grails, the grailest of Holies, Danny Michel, live and in concert? Do you think that it is sane and/or reasonable to consider driving from Seattle to the Tri-Cities for a show?
No, no, answer depends on presence of hot easy chicks, and probably not but so what, respectively.
What are the good comic stores in Toronto? (By good, I mean ones that are well lit and friendly to browsers – and preferably close to U of T.)
Who is the best person to work with in the U of T Law Career Center? I’ve worked out a reciprocity deal with my school.
Are you up for meeting for a coffee sometime?
1.) The Beguiling near Bloor and Bathurst is probably the most critically popular comical book place in Toronto and has the best independent selection. Silver Snail near Queen and Spadina is probably the most well-known and has the best selection of toys. 1,000,000 Comics on Yonge north of College has very good back-issue racks. And the Hairy Tarantula on Yonge might not be the most well-lit, but when they have their quarterly sales you just can’t beat their prices.
2.) I have no idea, because I don’t go to U of T, but rather Osgoode Hall at York (just named #1 law school in Canada by Canadian Lawyer magazine – we got free cupcakes to celebrate, so SUCK ON THAT UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO WHICH REJECTED ME IN LESS THAN A WEEK ahem).
3.) Sure, although now that classes are in session life is more hectic, but email me when you’ve got a moment and we’ll see.
10
Jan
Day two, mo’ questions. Keep them coming if you are so inclined.
Matthew E.
What are your top five prose books about superheroes (fiction or non)?
…I don’t really have any? I mean, I haven’t gotten around to reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, and looking over my heavily loaded-down bookshelf there’s a lot of various fiction (some fantasy, some sci-fi, some just plain ol’ fiction), and non-fiction, and nothing that really screams out “superheroes.” I mean, maybe you can make a case for Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell in a sort of Gaimanesque sense, but…
…oh, wait, the Kingdom Come novelization. Where the hell did I get that and why do I still have it? It kinda sucked, even if it was by Eliot S! Maggin. Still, by default I suppose it is my top prose book about superheroes.
Sage Freehaven:
Squirrel Girl – yea, or nay?
There’s, like, this kind of progression in comics fandom to latch onto relatively obscure and usually weird characters until they get played to death. Squirrel Girl was a while back, MODOK is the current hobbyhorse, Mogo was a bit previous to that, et cetera. I don’t really have a problem with the phenomenon, and Squirrel Girl’s been used well enough in her spurt of ironic popularity to comment on how stupid certain trends in comics are, so I suppose I’ll go with “yea.”
That having been said, I hereby proclaim 2008 to be the Year of Multi-Man. Make it happen, people.
kalyarn:
The Erie Doctrine – the hell?
Oh wait…you’re not from here…
No, but the doctrine, while not technically applicable in Canadian law, is something we’ve studied as we also have a federal system, and it’s one possible solution for determining legal differences between sub-states in a federal system. We don’t use it here, though, because the majority of serious Canadian law is implemented at the federal level (most notably the Criminal Code of Canada) and our Constitution is designed differently from yours. What I get from the Erie Doctrine is that it’s very much the product of a nation where federalism was, at one point, a really big deal to people other than Ron Paul.
supergp:
You’ve posted about American politics from time to time- do you have an endorsement to make? If so, who?
Barack Obama.
I’ve said before that any of the Democratic candidates would be good enough, but there’s good and then there’s best outcome, and that’s Obama. Clinton is simply too moderate and cautious; I think she’ll do a reasonable job, but her first instinct will always be the small move, and right now we need big moves. Furthermore, in the general election Hillary just isn’t going to have coattails – regional Democrats will get no added traction from Hillary the way they potentially can from Obama. More importantly, Obama can be a gamechanger for progressive politics in the same way that Reagan was for conservative politics; he’s really amazing at restating his opponents’ arguments to make them agree with him in much the way that Reagan could do it.
Furthermore, I can’t state enough how transformative simply having Obama as your president would be for your foreign image. A Democrat in general at this point is, I think, a necessity for America to regain credibility – you need to run away from Bush as fast as humanly possible for perception reasons, let alone all the others – but Clinton would just be “good enough,” whereas Obama would be a “holy shit, America did that? I forgot how awesome America can be” moment. I would genuinely love to see you guys have a moment like that again. I’m not even slightly kidding.
And besides, you have to love a candidate who can gracefully comment on his protestors in this manner or who, during a Presidential campaign, finds time to try and help resolve the political and ethnic strife in Kenya.
(John Edwards is done. I’m not happy about it, but he’s done. It’s time to move on, folks.)
Obviously, you’d really like to write LoSH; what would you write if you could write something at Marvel?
The idea of team books generally appeals to me more than “single” books, so I’m going to say Runaways. There’s a whole lot to do there which interests me.
That having been said, I can also think of a lot I’d like to do with Dr. Strange. And on a DC note, yes, Legion, but also Frankenstein. Because Frankenstein is awesome. He fights evil bug-men and speaks in Gothic prose.
10
Jan
9
Jan
First Ever Toronto “No Pants” Subway Ride.
EDIT: For those not having Facebook accounts, here.
9
Jan
Well, turnout for the whole ask me a question thing has been higher than anticipated, so I’m gonna start answering questions now. They’ll all get answered eventually, I promise. Feel free to keep asking in the original post if you missed it, or similar.
CandidGamera asked:
Vic Sage?
I’m sorry, but your question does not match current DC continuity. For future purposes, please use ‘Renee Montoya.’ Thank you.
Bret asked:
Earth-4 Vic Sage?
Rorshach.
Darthjesus:
Are you jealous of my ability, as a US citizen, to vote in the American presidential elections?
Are you disgusted by the fact that I have no intention of voting this year and I am not even registered to vote?
No and yes, respectively. I don’t care about people getting to vote in other countries, not even America, because I get to vote in mine and it is horribly satisfying to make my ticky mark on the ballot (Canada: “we vote old-school”), but I do not care very much at all for people ignoring their responsibility to vote, and that applies to the forty percent of eligible Canadians who always have something better to do. I am all for the adoption of the Australian system, wherein failure to vote is a misdemeanour, not least because most people, when forced to vote, decide to at least marginally educate themselves on the issues.
(Yes, I understand the whole “freedom to not vote” argument and am unsympathetic. If you want to accurately display your apathy or disgust with the system in toto, spoil your ballot like a grownup.)
Andrew:
With all of the big events showing characters such as Iron Man and Wonder Woman in perhaps an unflattering light, comic readers are crying out loudly that everyone in comics are jerks and douchebags. These fans assert comics are no longer fun, and that no one’s a hero anymore. However, between superdickery.com, blogs like the ISB and Dave’s Long Box shining light on just how douchey characters were Back In The Day, and Alex Ross’s anything being derided as Superfriends fanfiction, were comics ever as fun and the characters ever as heroic as the comic readers claim? Or do these fun comics and heroic characters exist only in a make believe past that exists only in the minds of hyper-nostalgic readers who have fallen into Jay Sherman syndrome?
It’s worth noting that Superdickery and the like are applying modern-day mores to comics that are usually more than fifty years old, with all of the different social mores that apply therein. Superman being gratuitously sexist in 1954 when it was understood that wimmins was inferior beings is quite a different kettle of fish than Superman being gratuitously sexist in 2008. It’s not quite apples and oranges, but it’s at least apples and, say, apple cobbler with ice cream.
And Alex Ross gets derided because he has an unthinking hardon for the Way Things Were When He Was A Kid, not because the things in question were bad.
karellan:
Which is better: Old American Gladiators or New American Gladiators?
Too early to call, although the lack of Dick Butkus definitely hurts the new.
James:
Marvel approaches you to write your own 7 Soldiers style event/character revamps. What 7 characters do you choose? Bonus points for why each character/revamp details/high concepts etc.
U.S. 1: The all-American trucker who navigates the weird back roads of Earth 616. He’s been to outer space, he’s fought blimp Nazis, nothing fazes him. “Aw, dammit, not chupacabras again! Git me my shotgun, we’re having us some chupacabra chili tonight!” Deliverance, but with monsters instead of hillbillies and a truck instead of rafts.
Jocasta: A robot who, instead of seeking to become human (one of the oldest tropes in comics and well abandoned), seeks to define humanity through research. This involves fighting bad guys, of course. (You have to preserve the sanctity of your research subjects.)
Taskmaster: The ultimate bon vivant. When you do any new activity perfectly the first time, you have to constantly seek out new and more dangerous exploits just to keep from becoming bored to death; whether it’s scamming S.H.I.E.L.D. or robbing Dr. Doom, he’ll do it just so he has something to fill his Tuesday. (Also, bring back that awesome new costume he got in the early 2000’s.)
Porcupine: The antisocial (but moral) daughter of a deceased supervillain finds his old super-suit. Can she work with her local registration office in a productive and helpful manner? (Answer: probably not.)
Sleepwalker: Rick Sheridan is in a coma, perhaps for the rest of his life, and the dream entity known as Sleepwalker has to navigate the Waking World in ways he never anticipated. The stranger in a strange world scenario played to the nines, with a touch of nostalgic surrealism on the protagonist’s part. Little Nemo meets Stan and Jack.
Shamrock: Molly Fitzgerald is retired. She’s happy. She’s a hairdresser with a young daughter that’s the centre of her life, and the three lotteries she’s won means she never has to do anything she doesn’t want to do. But sometimes life just won’t let you stay retired, and when the Irish government makes it clear that her supernatural good luck is required for the good of the world, she’s pressed back into service – whether she likes it or not.
Gargoyle: Isaac Christians sold his soul for his superpowers, and for what? Now he’s stuck in an Initiative office in Helena. The ranchers think he’s another big city boy, the Hollywood liberals trying to “escape it all” keep inviting him over for coffee, and the survivalists keep asking him to give lectures on the end of the world. What a pain in the ass.
9
Jan
NAME Stealth
FAVORITE MOVE The quick counter-attack you never see coming
SLIGHTLY LESS FAVOURITE MOVE The slow counter-attack you totally see coming
FAVOURITE COLOUR Puce
HOW DID STEALTH BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, snapped and killed three opposing cheerleaders during tense playoff game; NBC, airing the game, thought she had “potential” and convinced families to drop charges
NAME Mayhem
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS Subfaction of Rastafarianism: “We smoke crystal meth for our rituals rather than pot. Keeps you active, you know what I’m – AGGGH GET THE SPIDERS OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME”
STEROIDS? No comment
FAVORITE EVENT Pyramid: “It represents Jah’s will for humanity to reach its own pinnacle, and AHHHH THE SPIDERS ARE BAAAAAACK AGH AGH AGH”
HOW DID MAYHEM BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Mayhem is the illegitimate son of famous contestant Wesley “Two Scoops” Berry, and from the age of six was determined to become an American Gladiator
NAME Venom
ACTUALLY POISONOUS? “No, and if that bitch Stealth said anything, you tell her I said she was a lesbo.”
FAVORITE EVENT “Whichever is the one where I have the gun and shoot people and don’t have to run around. It has a name, right?”
TEN-YEAR PLAN Rise to fame and fortune through American Gladiating while obtaining law degree, run for public office, pass environmental reform laws, marry, have three adorable children
HOW DID VENOM BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Father is executive director of NBC’s sports division
NAME Titan
FAVOURITE EVENT “Any time I can brutally injure an opponent, then celebrate his hardiness as he’s taken out on a stretcher and get the fans to cheer him? That’ll do. Doesn’t matter what event it is. It’s about the little things, you know?”
REJECTED GLADIATOR NAMES Supreme, Pride, Overman, Hitler
SECRET AMBITION A wild threeway with Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali
HOW DID TITAN BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Gladiated part-time at the amateur level in Japan for three years while working way through cooking school; turned pro this year when “discovered” by a NBC executive on a sushi tour
NAME Crush
PRIMARY INGREDIENT OF ALL CRUSH’S MAKEUP The blood of her enemies
PET PEEVE “Look, a sign saying “I have a crush on Crush,” that’s fine, I don’t have a problem with that. But I’m really sick of the guys bringing the signs that say “I want to assfuck Crush.” What the hell.”
HOURS SPENT TRAINING EVERY DAY More than you, probably
HOW DID CRUSH BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Majored in physical education at Wesleyan, wrote master’s thesis on the “Bronco gambit,” named after that American Gladiator’s unique Hang Tough strategem; passed up tenure in order to compete on show
NAME Justice
VIGILANTE BY NIGHT? Yes Definitely not
FITNESS TIP “Don’t be a disgusting fatty. Nobody will ever love you.”
HAIR NATURALLY POINTY? Yes
HOW DID JUSTICE BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Answered want-ad in the back of Gladius magazine
NAME Hellga
NAMES OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS Father Thaddieus; sister Clawdia; brother Mark (middle name: Fordeath), cousin-by-marriage Frank
BACKGROUND “Mutter not happy mit Hellga ven I beating up all children at school; Poppa train me, let me wrestle bears, ja? Is gut! Hellga liking zer bears!”
REASON HAIR NOT IN PIGTAILS She strangled an assistant director with them during the initial pilot shoot
HOW DID HELLGA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? With a name like “Hellga,” how could she not become an American Gladiator, is the question
NAME Toa
ASPIRATION BEFORE BECOMING AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR Wanted to be a Bionicle
NUMBER OF TIMES HAS WATCHED THE MUMMY: 2,741
BLOOD OF ANCESTORS FLOWING THROUGH VEINS? Yes; also, steroids
HOW DID TOA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Was poised to become a professional wrestler, but before signing contract with WWE, opted for career with slightly more dignity
NAME Fury
FAVORITE EVENT “Atlasphere, the one where you’re inside the giant hamster balls, and – what do you mean “that’s not on the show this year?” Oh, fucking…”
ATTITUDE Surprisingly calm and relaxed
FAVORITE MEAL A balanced selection of greens, fruit juice, and a mammoth rib-eye steak
HOW DID FURY BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Gladiated in high school in rural Ohio, got college scholarship, but blew out knee in first year; went into physical therapy and fought way back to semi-professional status, and was picked up by the show as a replacement for Slice when latter “fell prey to exhaustion”
NAME Militia
FULL NAME Thurgood Militia Franklin III
REJECTED TAGLINES FOR MILITIA PRIOR TO SETTLING ON “WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW” “He’ll violently overthrow… you!“; “Protecting your Constitutional rights… whether you want him to or not!”; “Watch out, Oklahoma City!”
SECRET FEAR People making fun of his sash
HOW DID MILITIA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Called up from the cast of Belgian Gladiators
NAME Siren
FAVORITE TYPE OF JUICE Orange
THE SIRENS OF ANCIENT GREEK MYTH LED SAILORS TO THEIR DOOM ON THE ROCKS THROUGH HYPNOTIC SONG. WILL SIREN DO THAT ON THE SHOW? “Uh… sure.”
HOBBIES Macrame, collects paintings of fuzzy kittens
HOW DID SIREN BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Played college Powerball for three years and was prepared to jump to the WPBA, but that league folded just before her draft season; cross-trained to become proficient in all gladiating activities and switched career tracks
NAME Wolf
INTERESTS “Chicks, chicks, chicks, and booze”
PROFESSIONAL GOALS To extend trademark “wolf howl” to six syllables in length
STEROIDS? “I will inject absolutely anything into my veins. An-y-thing.”
HOW DID WOLF BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Awoke in NBC Studios back alley, hung over and naked; found outfit, put it on, and “you know what they say… sometimes you find the job, sometimes the job finds you.”
8
Jan
Obama 40
Clinton 29
Edwards 25
Richardson 6
McCain 29
Romney 28
Huckabee 15
Thompson 12
Paul 10
Guiliani 6
Your turn!
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