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20
Aug
19
Aug
KIRK: Why are people still out with their families so late?
STEVE: It’s the CNE [Canadian National Exhibition, for those not in the know] – they’re just getting back.
KIRK: That started?
ME: Yeah, last week.
BEN: Man, I should go to that.
ME: Ah, the only reason to go is for those little donuts.
STEVE: The ones they make in front of you?
BEN: Tiny Toms! They have them at Wonderland!
ME: And they come in the bag.
BEN: And then they put in the cinnamon and sugar, and they shake it, and hand it to you. Fresh little donuts.
KIRK: Ah, those aren’t that hard to make yourself. All you need is cinnamon and sugar.
ME: …and donuts.
KIRK throws his nearly empty coffee cup at me. And misses.
ME: Well, I’m not wrong about that. You do need the donuts.
BEN: Fuck, you got hot chocolate on my pants.
KIRK: So?
BEN: It’ll stain.
KIRK: But they’re brown pants.
BEN: They’re khaki, it’ll show up.
STEVE: So take them to the laundry room. If you wash them immediately it’ll come right out.
BEN: …nah, I don’t care that much.
ME: But the spots will show up.
BEN: They’re my work pants.
KIRK: I don’t even see any spots.
STEVE: That’s because it’s dark.
KIRK: I think he’s lying about the spots.
BEN: See, I stand behind a counter most of the day anyway, so people won’t be able to see the stains. I’ll just stand there and be thinking “ha ha, I have stained pants and you don’t know.” It’ll make the day pass.
KIRK: You know, when we move, I’ll miss Crawford Street.
ALL: (sounds of commiseration)
KIRK: When my buddy Mike Crawford came over, he so wanted to steal our street sign, but I told him no.
STEVE: That was good of you.
KIRK: I didn’t want people getting lost when we were having a party.
BEN: The roads around here are twisty. Good call.
KIRK: Hey, is it true that if you steal a street sign with your last name, it’s not a crime?
A pause.
STEVE: I believe that’s an urban legend.
ME: I think you meant to say “I believe that’s retarded.”
KIRK: So it’s not true?
ME: No, Kirk. It is not true.
KIRK: Imagine if it was true, and your last name was “Street.”
BEN: “I’m Johnny Street, and these are my road signs. Yes, all twelve thousand of them. It’s legal, you know.”
STEVE: “I’m gonna build a house out of them.”
ME: Imagine the precedent that would set. If your last name was Del Monte you could steal all the juice you could ever want and nobody could touch you.
BEN: It would be awesome for you, though.
ME: …why? There’s not a lot of stuff called “Bird.”
BEN: You could steal birds.
ME: Why would I want birds?
STEVE: There’s good money in birds.
18
Aug
Starter triathlon time: 59:32. About ten minutes for the swim, twenty-two for the cycling, twenty-four for the run, the rest was changeover.
I was aiming for under an hour, which put me in the bottom half of the middle of the pack. Mostly because of the run. (How do people run for fun? I don’t get that at all.) Anyway, I’m happy with it for now, and I’ll do two triathlons next year – a starter in the late spring and a larger “regular” one at the end of summer.
18
Aug
Originally written May 5th, 2006.
NOTE: This really happened.
SCENE: Silver Snail Comics, where it is Free Comic Book Day. Enter CHRIS, bearing a cheapo Stikfas blister pack and a bunch of free comics. THE ASSISTANT SALESPERSON waits patiently.
ASSISTANT: And that will be seven dollars.
CHRIS: (hands it over generously)
ASSISTANT: Would you like a free action figure? In addition to it being Free Comic Book Day, here at Silver Snail it is also Free Action Figure Day!
The ASSISTANT gestures at a pile of dusty cut-rate “Stargate SG-1” figures, all of them Richard Dean Anderson.
CHRIS: …nah, I’m good.
ASSISTANT: They’re free.
CHRIS: And yet, no.
ASSISTANT: Are you sure? Free! It’s MacGyver!
OTHER ASSISTANT: Actually he’s Captain Jack O’ Neill.
ASSISTANT: Right. And he’s free!
The ASSISTANT brandishes a figure good-naturedly.
CHRIS: No, I think I’m good.
ASSISTANT: Wow. I’m impressed.
CHRIS: Thank you.
ASSISTANT: You saw the temptation of free MacGyver –
OTHER ASSISTANT: Captain Jack O’Neill.
ASSISTANT: – free Captain whosisface and you were not swayed. You, sir, are an oak.
CHRIS: Much appreciated.
ASSISTANT: But I would point out that he is free.
CHRIS: I did indeed understand that point.
ASSISTANT: So would you like one?
CHRIS: No.
Pause.
ASSISTANT: I wonder if I am adequately explaining the freeness of him.
CHRIS: I really think I’ve got it.
ASSISTANT: He could go home with you right now.
CHRIS: Uh huh.
ASSISTANT: I could just, you know, pop him in your bag.
CHRIS: Or you could not.
ASSISTANT: He’s poppable.
CHRIS: Palpable, even.
ASSISTANT: Oh, touche!
CHRIS: Thanks.
ASSISTANT: So you’ll take one!
CHRIS: I didn’t say that.
ASSISTANT: Oh, come on.
CHRIS: What guarantee do I have that it won’t come to life and try to murder me in my sleep?
ASSISTANT: What?
CHRIS: I would like some sort of guarantee that this is not a killer doll. Like Chucky.
ASSISTANT: It’s not Chucky.
CHRIS: No, it doesn’t look like Chucky. But it could, you know, sympathize. With the killing.
ASSISTANT: But MacGyver is a good guy!
OTHER ASSISTANT: It’s Captain –
ASSISTANT: Nobody cares.
CHRIS: So was MacBeth. Then he murdered the King of Scotland.
ASSISTANT: Good point.
CHRIS: I thought so.
ASSISTANT: But this figure wasn’t made in Scotland! HA!
CHRIS: Where was it made?
The ASSISTANT checks. By this point, there is sort of a crowd gathering because it’s not every day you see two grown men arguing over NOT taking action figures.
ASSISTANT: China.
CHRIS: So it’s a Communist.
ASSISTANT: We can’t be sure of that.
CHRIS: But do I want to take a chance like that?
ASSISTANT: What chance?
CHRIS: Maybe it’s a killer revolutionary doll.
ASSISTANT: I think you’d be safe from him, then.
CHRIS: Excuse me?
ASSISTANT: You’re buying one Stikfas blister. If you were a member of the bourgeoisie, you would have bought more.
CHRIS: …okay, I concede that.
ASSISTANT: Aha! So you’ll take it!
CHRIS: But Chinese Communism was known for also being exceptionally concerned with cultural purity in the course of the revolution.
ASSISTANT: Meaning?
CHRIS: Meaning I don’t own any SG-1 stuff. I have never watched an episode of SG-1. Ever.
ASSISTANT: So?
CHRIS: So I might not be a member of the bourgeoisie, but I’m not culturally homogenous with the doll. He will look at my DVD collection in the night, deem me unworthy of a place in the glorious people’s collective, and slit my throat.
ASSISTANT: With what?
CHRIS: I dunno. Something sharp.
ASSISTANT: Where would he get something sharp?
CHRIS: It’s MacGyver, he’ll find a way to create a sharp edge.
OTHER ASSISTANT: It’s Captain Jack O’Neill.
ASSISTANT: See, for once she has a point. This isn’t MacGyver, so what would you have to worry about?
CHRIS: You still haven’t adequately addressed as to how I can be sure this isn’t a killer doll. Killer dolls find ways. They bide their time.
ASSISTANT: Well, this is a factory irregular doll.
CHRIS: Oh, great. So it’s not just a killer doll, it’s a bitter and rejected killer doll.
ASSISTANT: It’s not a killer doll!
CHRIS: Prove it!
ASSISTANT: It was made in China…
CHRIS: Yes…
ASSISTANT: (thinks) … and if it were dangerous it wouldn’t have made it through customs without a warning, which we didn’t receive!
A round of applause from the gathered onlookers at this brilliant gambit.
CHRIS: Okay, I think I have to concede that this doll is not, in fact, homicidal.
ASSISTANT: Great! So you’ll take one?
CHRIS: Well…
ASSISTANT: Go ahead.
CHRIS: Does it explode? I don’t want an exploding doll.
ASSISTANT: Technically it’s an action figure.
CHRIS: I don’t want an exploding action figure either.
ASSISTANT: Well, these don’t explode.
CHRIS: Sure?
ASSISTANT: Extremely.
CHRIS: How about implosions?
Pause.
ASSISTANT: You’re worried about the possibility of there being an unstable quantum singularity inside a Stargate action figure?
CHRIS: You never know.
ASSISTANT: Well, let me check for a second.
The ASSISTANT taps the figure.
CHRIS: Wow, scientific.
ASSISTANT: Nope. No black holes inside this figure. It’s Macgyverriffic!
OTHER ASSISTANT: Captain Jackoriffic.
ASSISTANT: Whatever.
CHRIS: So they don’t explode OR implode.
ASSISTANT: No.
CHRIS: That’s some security for me, then.
ASSISTANT: I’d say so!
CHRIS: Right.
ASSISTANT: So you’ll take one?
CHRIS: Can I have two?
ASSISTANT: Wait, you’ve been careful so far and now you want two?
CHRIS: I didn’t say I wanted two. I just want to know if I can have two.
ASSISTANT: No.
CHRIS: Why not? They’re free.
ASSISTANT: Yes, but –
CHRIS: So they have no intrinsic value as such, right?
ASSISTANT: Well –
CHRIS: And it’s not like you’re short of these things.
ASSISTANT: But if it’s Free Action Figure Day, once we’re out of these we have to start giving other things away. Ones that cost money.
CHRIS: So if I come back later can I have some free Stikfas?
ASSISTANT: No.
CHRIS: Why not?
ASSISTANT: We wouldn’t give it away for free. I think I have some Pokemon thingies in back. We’ll give those away next.
CHRIS: Ah.
ASSISTANT: But, regardless. Would you like a completely free Richard Dean Anderson as the guy from Stargate action figure?
CHRIS: No. I don’t really want to have one.
Pause.
ASSISTANT: Well, why didn’t you just say so?
Applause from onlookers. Exeunt.
17
Aug
Church documents crimes against humanity.
17
Aug
SCENE. A bar. With drinks. And law students entering the Osgoode Hall class of 2010.
PROSPECTIVE LAW STUDENT: God, I am so sick of being called an “untouchable.”
ME: Those Hindus and their castes. Wacky.
PROSPECTIVE: No, I mean the Friedman thing.
ME (who knows what he’s talking about, but is enjoying his Strongbow, so why not let him exposit): The Friedman thing?
PROSPECTIVE: There was this book or article or something Thomas Friedman wrote about how lawyers were “untouchable.” Because of globalization. Being a lawyer is a skilled profession, it doesn’t cross-migrate. This country may not need call centre people at some point because they’ll all live in India, but it’ll always need lawyers.
ME: Right. So?
PROSPECTIVE: So lawyers aren’t the only untouchables. So are skilled tradesmen. Plumbers are “untouchable” too, because you can’t outsource fixing your sink to Singapore.
ME: I still don’t get why you’re up in a bunch about this.
PROSPECTIVE: Because in all these speeches at the orientation things. You know?
ME: Nope.
PROSPECTIVE: They all talk about how going to law school is an investment, because now you’ll be “untouchable.” But if that’s what you care about, why not save sixty thousand dollars and just become a plumber instead?
OTHER PROSPECTIVE LAW STUDENT (who has been listening in): I think the money has something to do with it.
ME: I dunno. A good plumber can make high five figures, easy.
PROSPECTIVE: Right. If I said “fuck the law, I’m gonna fix leaky pipes” right now, I could go do my apprenticeship – during which I would be making money rather than paying it out – for three years, and there you go.
OTHER PROSPECTIVE: Ah, but a lawyer can make so much more money.
PROSPECTIVE: Can, but very likely won’t. I mean, look around at the people here in this bar. Most of them aren’t going to be wearing fancy Italian suits and going “Denny Crane!” into the mirror in ten years’ time.
ME: Is that all their name?
PROSPECTIVE: Boston Legal?
ME: Oh, right. I’m older than you, so my TV reference for lawyering is The West Wing.
PROSPECTIVE: But my point is – I mean, you read those “so you’re going to law school” books, right? Only a tiny minority of lawyers practice high-hat corporate law and make an unholy shitload of money.
OTHER PROSPECTIVE: But the possibility exists that you can. Whereas, if you’re a plumber, there’s no such thing as fancy corporate plumbing.
PROSPECTIVE: You buy a lot of lottery tickets? I’m just asking.
OTHER PROSPECTIVE: Okay, say I accept your suggestion that lawyering isn’t that much more lucrative than plumbing is. Surely there’s also the benefit of prestige?
PROSPECTIVE: Meaning?
ME: I think he means that plumbers don’t generally get invited to fancy parties for charities and the like.
PROSPECTIVE: Quick quiz: would you rather go to a fancy dress ball or to a sports bar to eat chicken wings and drink beer?
ME: Now there’s a good point.
OTHER PROSPECTIVE: But lawyers get to change the system. Surely the attraction of altering and fixing law as you see fit –
PROSPECTIVE: Oh, come on. Firstly, your odds of becoming a judge are worse than your odds of becoming a rich corporate lawyer. And secondly, say you go into public policy. You’re not going to change anything. Liberals won’t let you because anything you might actually change could hurt the spotted owl or make gay people feel bad about themselves.
ME: In fairness, conservatives won’t let you because before they were elected they sold tires, so clearly nobody knows more about how the government should operate than they do.
PROSPECTIVE (waving his hands to concede the point): Exactly. So, again, I ask: why not be a plumber instead? Less stress, there’s still a lot of money in it, you get to work with your hands…
A pause as this is mulled over.
ME: I think we seriously have to consider how much we’re willing to pay to lessen the chance of coming into contact with poop as a part of our job.
Another pause.
PROSPECTIVE: Right, so are you guys gonna get a locker at Osgoode, or what?
17
Aug
Friday is the tunesblogging time, and this week it’s one of the great Kim Mitchell’s last hits, “America.” Which drew a lot of hubbub at the time for being an anti-American screed, when it really isn’t – it’s anti-corruption and definitely a very proletarian song (and video), but it’s not anti-American. “Born In the USA” is more anti-American than this is, honestly.
Also, Kim Mitchell has an awesome cowboy hat.
16
Aug
A lengthy and well-written apology to/celebration of Michael Turner.
It’s good to know that Michael Turner has succeeded in overcoming serious adversity, maintained his personal integrity and remained a decent human being, and become genuinely successful by creating art which I think completely sucks.
16
Aug
Old news to some of you, no doubt, but there’s a preview of the New Frontier animated movie, for those who care about such things.
16
Aug
James Joyner’s take on Rudy Guiliani’s foreign policy essay has to be read. (The essay itself is perhaps some of the most amazingly stupid claptrap ever written by any presidential candidate ever. Yes, including Dan Quayle.)
EDIT TO ADD: Also, Jim Henley, whose take left me gasping for breath.
16
Aug
Hannah Llewellyn very kindly emailed me the American Seeds ‘shop after I mentioned yesterday that I’d lost it in the great Livejournal burnup, so I felt it only proper to present it here again.
Now, I’d also like to point out that when I lost my Livejournal, with it I lost an Infiniti FX convertible. So if anybody has a spare one of those lying around, you know. For the site.
16
Aug
Came across somebody on the blogotubes complaining (“No!” you exclaim, “people complain on the Internet?”) about this post, specifically the part where the author rants about stupid made-up fancy-dancy fantasy names like Silvuirielalala Tinyhands and the like. The complaint?
“Well, Tolkien did it.”
People. J.R.R. Tolkien was a actual honest to god linguist. He invented languages for fun long before he ever even started writing fantasy books about short people with furry feet, and even the other Inklings made fun of the elves in his books. In fact, the unabridged biography of C.S. Lewis records this interaction between the two great British fantasy novelists:
LEWIS: John, you wanker! Drop the elf crap and let’s go down the pub, Dyson is buying the rounds tonight.
TOLKIEN: One second. Just want to finish these notes on Dwarvish. You know, they use runes, and –
LEWIS: Oh, god, another language? How many does that make now? The elves have two, the humans have two –
TOLKIEN: Well, actually that’s just the good humans. If you count the evil humans it’s more like seven.
LEWIS: And you wrote them all up with dictionaries and everything, didn’t you.
TOLKIEN: …I was bored.
LEWIS: So, are the Dwarves going to have two languages? Oh, and what about the furry little fellows –
TOLKIEN: The Hobbits?
LEWIS: I keep telling you, people are going to think you mean “rabbits.”
TOLKIEN: Oh, piss off.
LEWIS: “Dear Mr. Tolkien, I bought your so-called “novel” because I was anticipating an entertaining story about rabbits, much like that Watership Down thing. Instead, I got midgets with furry feet. What the hell. Signed, J.M. Puddlepoof, Esq.”
TOLKIEN: But you said you liked the Hobbits.
LEWIS: No, I said that I liked that they spoke English rather than Hobbitese or Hobbitaya or something like that. It was not a wholesale endorsement of your disturbing midget fetish.
TOLKIEN: Oh, I do not have to take this tripe from Mister “Hey, What If God Was A Lion?”
LEWIS: Come on, that’s solid stuff!
TOLKIEN: And “Mr. Tumnus.” Why did you think naming a character after foot fungus was a good idea?
LEWIS: He’s not!
TOLKIEN: Sounds like it.
LEWIS: At least I’m not conceited enough to put bloody epic poetry in my books.
TOLKIEN: At least I’m not fool enough to make the heroes of my story a bunch of annoying brats.
LEWIS: At least I came up with a better symbol for evil than a damn ring. What did your wife think of that?
TOLKIEN: I can’t believe I bloody converted you.
LEWIS: Well, I didn’t become a pope-hugger like yourself, so I think technically I’m still a heathen or something, aren’t I?
TOLKIEN: Technically, yes.
LEWIS: All right then. Are you done crafting fantastic new verbs ending in the letter “a” so we can go get sloshed?
TOLKIEN: The Dwarves have a much more guttural language, actually. You’re thinking of the Elvish tongues, like Quenya and –
LEWIS: No, I’m thinking of a pint of bitter with my damn name on it is what I’m thinking.
TOLKIEN: Arse!
Actually this is much more fun than the actual biography in question. I should hire out.
15
Aug
Kevin Drum quotes from the Atlantic Monthly‘s current bio-piece on Karl Rove – but it’s really a George Bush anecdote from Dick Armey (no latte-sipping liberal, to say the least):
“For all the years he was president,” Armey told me, “Bill Clinton and I had a little thing we’d do where every time I went to the White House, I would take the little name tag they give you and pass it to the president, who, without saying a word, would sign and date it. Bill Clinton and I didn’t like each other. He said I was his least-favorite member of Congress. But he knew that when I left his office, the first schoolkid I came across would be given that card, and some kid who had come to Washington with his mama would go home with the president’s autograph. I think Clinton thought it was a nice thing to do for some kid, and he was happy to do it.”
Armey said that when he went to his first meeting in the White House with President Bush, he explained the tradition with Clinton and asked the president if he would care to continue it. “Bush refused to sign the card. Rove, who was sitting across the table, said, ‘It would probably wind up on eBay,'” Armey continued. “Do I give a damn? No. But can you imagine refusing a simple request like that with an insult? It’s stupid. From the point of view of your own self-interest, it’s stupid. I was from Texas, and I was the majority leader. If my expectations of civility and collegiality were disappointed, what do you think it was like for the rest of the congressmen they dealt with? The Bush White House was tone-deaf to the normal courtesies of the office.”
Armey only looks at it from a tactical standpoint, of course, because as a Republican he has a vested interest in not stating the obvious: that George W. Bush is an arrogant, self-centred boor.
Seriously, think about this for a second. If I knew that simply by signing some stupid little thing I could totally make somebody’s day – not even something serious like most autographs require, but a stupid scrap of paper – the temptation would be to sign as much stupid shit as possible. (Indeed, sports agents will tell you stories about how “autograph fatigue” for sports stars takes years to set in, and how they have to train their newer prospective stars to not give autographs upon basic request.) It would be not unlike crack. (And indeed, most people who sign a lot of things like to add their own flourish. When I got my copy of Mouse Guard signed, David Petersen not only signed it but quickly doodled a tiny mouse warrior into his name. And he had a line, so he was keeping busy.)
But George W. Bush sees the opportunity to do a tiny bit of good and sneers at it.
What a pathetic asshole.
15
Aug
I had honestly thought this lost along with many of the other parody images previously shown on the old Livejournal (the loss of the American Seeds advertisement in particular stings), but it’s amazing what turns up sometimes in an anonymous email, so thanks to whoever saved it.
15
Aug
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