My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

And if you like, you can also go to the dedicated Al’Rashad site.

(yes, we all know it’s a takeoff from Mickey Avalon)

I’d be the first to admit that the title of this week’s post is a bit of a loaded question; clearly, letters columns aren’t “necessary” because they’ve been phased out of most of the comic books in the industry for about a decade now, and DC and Marvel haven’t stopped publishing comics. (Although, as always, I feel compelled to add the word “yet” onto the end of the phrase, “DC and Marvel haven’t stopped publishing comics”.) But I do think that letter columns served a distinct and vital purpose in the comic book industry, and it’s worth asking whether or not that purpose is still be served by other means in the wake of the decision to stop devoting page count to the words of the reading public.

To answer that question, it’s worth first asking what purpose the letters page once served. The answer is simple: Letters built a sense of community among the readers of a particular series, and of readers of comics in general. When you got to the end of every issue, and saw a full page (sometimes two) of people who read the same issue that you did and that cared enough about it to tell the company, it gave you the feeling that you weren’t alone in your enjoyment of comics. In a pre-Internet world, where local fan populations could vary wildly from city to city (or from city to small town, or from small town to rural area where you got your subscription delivered to) it was important to fans to know that their fandom didn’t make them freaks. Especially since (hey, it was a more innocent time) they published the addresses of their contributors. A lot of fan clubs that later grew into major fan organizations got their start from people who became “pen pals” after reading each other’s letters in the back of a comic book. Some of those readers, like Kurt Busiek and Mark Gruenwald, went on to be professionals.

Which was another important thing to note: The letters page didn’t just build a sense of community, it built a sense of participation. Breaking into comics was (and is) hard, but just about anyone over the age of five could break into the letter column. All it took was a goodly amount of persistence, some paper and a parent who indulged your need for stamps and envelopes. Seeing your name in print in your favorite comic was a huge thrill for a fan, one that created a strong sense of loyalty to the comic that in some small way, you felt like you’d helped create. Sure, other people did the drawing and the writing and the coloring and the inking, but there would be a blank white space there if not for you!

And as a counterpart, showing that the company cared about the thoughts of its readers helped to deflect frustration or anger with a book. Dan DiDio is known for being relentlessly positive about DC’s books in interviews (the man waxed rhapsodic about ‘Countdown’, at least while it was still going on…that has to take a PhD in bullshitting to pull off) but back in the old days, Marvel and DC weren’t afraid to print the occasional negative letter, just to show that they could admit their own flaws. The tone of the letter columns was generally upbeat, of course, but the occasional crank made them seem magnanimous in allowing fans their fair say.

And sometimes, the letter column could be a place to tell an entirely different story. Claremont had a few years where he answered the letters “in character” as one X-Man or another, while James Robinson’s ‘Starman’ turned into a wonderful series of fan essays on the love of antiques. Mark Evanier’s letter columns in ‘Groo’ were just as funny as the stories, and Alan Moore’s letter column in ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ were drop-dead hilarious satires of the letters pages in the Victorian pulps. (Which should come as no surprise; Moore always had an eye for details like period-authentic letters pages. I still have a soft spot for ‘1963’…which may have something to do with my own 60s-style fan letter that was published in the final issue.) Some titles showed that the letter column could be more than a pre-Internet fan forum.

But of course, we now live in an Internet age, which is where we come back to the question, “Are letter columns necessary?” DC and Marvel each run their own forum boards now online, and there are countless independent boards that people can use to link up and talk comics to their hearts’ content. In a world with blogs and vlogs and LiveJournal and ScansDaily…well, blogs and vlogs and LiveJournal, at least…is there really a need for an additional place for comic book fans to share their opinions?

I would say “yes”. Perhaps not as much as there once was; I don’t think anyone is still having trouble finding other comics fans out there, and I don’t think that people are having difficulty finding outlets for their opinions about comic books. But I do think there’s never going to be a substitute for that cachet that comes from having your name published in an official capacity by the company whose material you love; having a space for the readers within the publication helps to make it feel less like the interaction between fans and professionals is entirely one-way. I won’t go so far as to say that a lot of the fan outrage over the last decade comes from not having an official voice in the comic, but I do think that everyone who says “fan entitlement” is driving angry fans misses a chunk of the point. It’s powerlessness that causes fans to get upset about the latest development in their favorite book, and having a place where the company officially says, “We will listen to you. This may not change, but we hear your voice and here is the proof,” can make some difference. Those two needs can’t be served as well by forums, or by conventions or blogs, and they’re something that I think is worth bringing back. Even if it’s not, strictly speaking, necessary.

8:56: Blah blah talking heads most important debate ever. David Gergen sucks.

8:58: CNN’s room of voters sure is white.

9:01: Candy Crowley has selected the voters’ questions, so in large part if this debate is good or shit rests on her. Shocking. I’m sure by now that most of you have seen the rules the parties forced the moderators to agree to; it is also clear that in the veep debate Martha Raddatz ignored a lot of them. Let’s see of Crowley has as much metaphorical ballage as Raddatz did. My prediction: nahhhhhhh.

9:02: And here are the candidates! QUESTION FOR ROMNEY: Jeremy Epstein wants to know if he will have a job when he finishes college. Romney thanks everybody and then says the question is very important, just like another girl who just told him blah blah blah personal anecdote. Romney wants to make sure it’s cheaper for kids to go to college and wants to keep Pell Grants and loans intact (which, no, he doesn’t, he just doesn’t, first lie within the one minute mark), and then talks about how he knows bidness and therefore can make jobs appear by planting job trees.

9:06: Obama wants to build manufacturing jobs, unlike Romney who would have let GM go bankrupt. He wants to change the tax code. He wants to make the education system even better and increase accessibility to student loans and more slots for community colleges. He also wants to make sure America invests in renewable energy. And he wants to reduce the deficit by making wealthy people pay more. And infrastructure! This is a pretty bland opening from Obama.

9:08: Crowley wants to know how long-term unemployeds will get jobs. Romney says Obama is a failure and he has his Five Point Plan which is not actually a plan but whatever, nobody’s going to call him on that. Also he didn’t want GM to go bankrupt, he wanted a managed bankruptcy! Which would have been impossible, and also it was Obama’s fault GM went bankrupt, which HOLY SHIT that is so mendacious. Obama: “Candy, what Governor Romney said just isn’t true.” “Governor Romney doesn’t have a five-point plan, he has a one-point plan: make sure the well-off play by a different set of rules.” OHHHHHH OBAMA CAME TO PLAY. Romney gets really, really pissy, and let’s have him do more of that.

9:11 Philip Tricolla wants to know about gas prices and that Stephen Chu doesn’t want to reduce them. Obama: we’ve increased domestic oil production, but we also increased CAFE standards and increased renewable energy use, which means less oil importing. “Romney says” he has a plan, but that’s just letting oil companies do whatever, and we have to look to the renewable future like China and Germany are and we have to build them and Jeremy gets a job that way. Romney says “let’s look at his policies, as opposed to his rhetoric” and complains that federal land oil production is down and he also brought criminal sanctions against oil drillers in North Dakota because they killed some migratory birds, and says that Obama is not Mr Oil or Mr. Gas or Mr. Coal, and maybe it is not wise to suggest a black man should be called Mr. Coal, GOVERNOR DIPSHIT. And then he promises that America will be energy independent within eight years, which is a fucking fantasy, and complains about the Keystone XL pipeline.

9:17: Candy wants to know if high gas prices are the new normal. Obama says world demand is high, but that Romney lied a bunch just previously, and pointed out that he shut down coal plants in Massachusetts (OOOOOOOOH), then talks about clean coal (ugh ugh ugh) and points out that oil imports are down and production is up and also efficient cars. Romney: But you haven’t done that, you cut permits on federal land – and Obama interrupts and tells him it’s not true, and there’s some back and forth. Obama points out that oil companies had leases which they weren’t using and that they had to use those leases or lose them. Mitt keeps screaming that production is down and Obama says that’s just not true, and then complains that coal is in trouble, which it is but it’s in trouble because it’s MORE EXPENSIVE THAN OTHER FORMS OF ENERGY NOW. Also oil prices are up because Obama did not use his magic wand. Candy wants to know more about gas prices because she REALLY WANTS TO KNOW. Obama points out that gas prices were lower when he took office because they were in a middle of a recession due to policies like Mitt’s, “and it’s conceivable that Governor Romney could lower gas prices because his policies could put us back in the same mess.” OOOOOOOOOOO. Then he slams Romney for calling wind energy jobs “imaginary” and says Romney doesn’t have an energy strategy. Mitt then starts debating Candy about the debate rules because he’s a PISSY BITCH.

9:23: Romney’s lines are WAY DOWN. Mary Follano wants to know about taxes and specifically what deductions Romney would cut in order to afford his massive tax cut, listing several specific ones that are pretty major. Romney wants to bring tax rates down for middle income earners, he says (uh huh). Then he says he will limit some deductions but mostly for rich people but they won’t pay any LESS taxes, which WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOUR TAX CUT THEN MITT. Then he talks about his “bucket” idea again, and also he’ll kill the capital gains tax for earners under 250K, and won’t increase taxes on the middle class, and Obama is bad.

9:27: Obama: I said I would cut middle-class taxes and I did. I said I would cut small-business taxes and I did that a lot too. I just want the BushTaxCuts ™ to expire for rich people, and the only reason it hasn’t happened is because the GOP won’t let middle-class earners and poors get a tax cut unless rich people gets theirs. Also, Romney was on 60 Minutes two weeks ago and thinks it’s fair for him to pay a lower tax rate than a bus driver and he thinks that’s good for the economy, and that’s stupid. Lines are MASSIVELY for Obama here. Obama then says Romney has said he wants to cut taxes a whole lot. Romney responds! Tax plan! He’s not looking to cut taxes for rich people despite having said that’s what he wants to do! Also small businesses! And the last four years have been awful! Then he goes back to his Five Ideas I Really Like and he spent his life in the private sector.

9:32: Obama: Romney’s tax plan and military spending costs 8 trillion dollars over ten years. Romney says this is gonna be revenue-neutral and won’t add to the deficit, but at least Romney doesn’t give you any specifics. Then he points out that Romney’s plan would never fly in the private sector and Romney is just giving him a DEATH STARE. Obama points out that Romney’s plan is a joke and by definition means soaking the non-rich. Candy: “If the numbers don’t add up, would you be willing -” Romney interrupts. “Of COURSE they add up.” He did BUSINESS. Obama has DEFICITS. Thank you, Romney, for bringing Dickhead Mitt into play, we’ve missed him. Then when Candy tries to move on Romney talks over her (and the lines drop).

9:37: Katherine Fenton wants to know about gender-based pay inequality and what they’ll do! Obama talks about his mom and his grandmother, and then talks about the Lily Ledbetter Act, because this is something good he did almost immediately. Lines are nice and high here for both genders. Then he talks about education, and points out that they’ve expanded Pell Grants by not spending money on banks to manage student loans. And discrimination is bad. Romney: “Important topic.” And when he was governor of Massachusetts he tried to hire some women for his cabinet, and he had more women in senior leadership positions than any other state, and he understands about flex-time for women. He has been talking for two minutes and has not talked about a single policy initiative. Instead, the economy will be so awesome that women will get flex-time JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SO IN DEMAND, which is the biggest line of bullshit he has spread since, uh, the last time he talked.

9:42: Obama: Romney wouldn’t give his support to the Ledbetter Act. Then he pivots to Obamacare and attacks Romney for being against women having contraceptive coverage, and that Romney said employers should be able to decide if women get contraceptive coverage, and also Romney wants to kill Planned Parenthood, which provides low-cost healthcare for women, and that “women’s issues” are in fact “family issues, these are economic issues”. Good pivot.

9:45: Susan Katz is an undecided voter who blames the Bush Administration for a lot and wants to know what the biggest difference between Mitt and Dubya is. Romney first chooses to whine YET AGAIN that the debate rules are against him because SWEET JESUS what an entitled fuck. Romney’s Five Fingers Of Doom are nothing like what Bush would have done! You know the Five Fingers of Doom by now, don’t you? Because Romney is a BIDNESSMAN and also he will crack down on China somehow, and also he finds Obamacare, which is the SAME FUCKING THING as Romneycare, “troubling.”

9:48: Okay, we started off in a recession, remember. 31 consecutive months of job growth (okay, shitty job growth, but still), and also that Romney’s “different economic plan” is tax cuts just like Bush’s, and also he outsourced jobs to China and currently invests in companies that are employed by China, and that Romney won’t get tough on China. Kind of a meh attack, honestly. Also Obama has brought America three trade deals and passed new laws to prevent China from flooding the market with cheap tires and Romney called it “protectionist.” Finally, Romney is different from Bush because Bush didn’t try to voucherize Medicare, favoured immigration reform and didn’t want to kill Planned Parnethood. BAM.

9:51: Candy moves to the next question (ROMNEYSCOWL) and Michael Jones wants to ask Obama why he should vote for him because the basic necessities are expensive. Obama: cut taxes for you, for small businesses, ended the war in Iraq, killed Bin Laden, Obamacare protects you from insurance companies, passed Wall street reforms, five million jobs, saved the auto industry. Admittedly, none of this means YOU aren’t struggling, Mike, but that’s why Obama has a jobs and energy plan, and Obama keeps his promises (oh, be careful, Barack, that’s dicey). Romney has promises too – he promised all during the campaign that he would do everything Team Crazy would do, and he’ll keep those promises. DEATHSTARE FROM ROMNEY.

9:54: Romney: “I know you know better.” NOT PATRONIZING. Also Obama got his unemployment predictions wrong. And he hasn’t reformed Social Security or Medicare, and he hasn’t put forward an immigration plan, and he hasn’t cut the deficit in half. And Obamacare will make your lives worse! More people are on food stamps! And his policies have not made the economy grow! Unlike Reagan, who was balls-awesome. Then he patronizes Obama for only being a pretty talker, and Obama doesn’t give a DEATH STARE but you know it’s on now if it wasn’t before.

9:58: Switch to Lorraine Osorio, who wants to know what immigrants without green cards will get under a Romney administration. Romney’s parents were born in Mexico! Ann’s were born in Wales! Romney wants to give visas to skilled immigrants who graduate from American universities. He wants to crack down on illegal immigration because it’s not fair to people waiting in line, so no amnesty. He’s against driver’s licenses for immigrants, but wants a “pathway” for kids of illegal immigrants to citizenship and basically describes the DREAM Act, which he opposed for months. Then he complains that Obama didn’t pass immigration reform. Obama responds: I’ve done what I can on my own, and tried to get Congress on board but oh well. We streamlined immigration as much as we could, and we increased the border patrol and dropped the flow of undocumented workers to a 40-year-low. He wants to concentrate on illegals who are criminals. Then he points out that Romney promised to veto the DREAM Act and that he was going to make illegals’ lives so miserable they’d want to leave. Then he references the Arizona law as being unjust and points out that Romney LUBS it, and points out that the GOP can’t support immigration reform.

10:05: Romney says he was only for the GOOD parts of the Arizona law, and that Obama didn’t file immigration legislation in his first year like he promised. Then he says self-deportation is just letting people make their own choice, and he doesn’t want to round people up, just make them miserable. Also, he invested in China in a BLIND TRUST and Obama’s pension has investments in China. Obama snarks about their relative pensions sizes, then (after some chatbackandforth) points out that Romney’s immigration advisor is the guy who wrote the Arizona law (and not just the GOOD parts of it either). And points out that the GOP is no longer serious about immigration, because DUH.

10:08: Kerry Ladka (and his friends) wants to know about Libya and why the State Department denied increased security. Obama: diplomats have it tough because it’s a dangerous job and they are MY PEEPS, so nobody is more concerned than me about them. After Benghazi, I gave orders to beef up security, investigate what went wrong, and find out who did the killing and get them. And Romney put out a press release trying to make hay about it and you don’t turn national security into a political issue while it’s happening. Also I ended the war in Iraq and began the transition out of Afghanistan and got Bin Laden, so you better believe we’re gonna get it right because “I’m the one who has to greet those coffins when they come home.”

10:12: Romney snidely says Obama just took responsibility for what happened, then implies that the Obama administration lied about what happened, then says what is most alarming is that Obama went to a political fundraiser the next day. Lines do not really agree with him. Also, Obama’s Middle East policy is a failure: look at Syria! And Israel! And Egypt! And Iran! And he went on an apology tour! Candy asks about Hillary taking responsibility for what happened at Benghazi. Obama says HE takes responsibility, and then says he called it an act of terror the next day, and then says that the notion that his team would play politics with the incident is OFFENSIVE. Romney tries to catch the President and say that Obama’s lying, but CANDY CROWLEY points out he’s wrong. Obama has the DEATH STARE for the first time all debate, truly – this really, really offended him. Romney is FLAILING now.

10:17: Nina Gonzalez wants to know about limiting the availability of assault weapons. Obama: we’re a Second Amendment nation and hunting is great, but we’ve had too many mass gun slaughters lately. Obama wants a “broader conversation” which includes an assault weapons ban, and the NRA just went collectively insane. Obama then says he wants automatic weapons out of the hands of criminals and nutjobs. Romney is against gun control laws, then says it is illegal in the United States to have automatic weapons, which WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT? Then he talks about how it’s important to have a two-parent home, “and we can make changes in our culture” to make that happen, then goes to Operation Fast and Furious because you knew that was going to happen, and that Obama has carried out executive privilege to prevent investigations from happening. Candy asks him about flip-flopping on assault weapons bans because he signed one in Massachusetts, and Romney says that pro-gun people helped out there so it was mutually agreed upon, and Washington is gridlocked.

10:24: Candy asks him if he would sign a bipartisan gun control bill and Mitt goes against it. Obama: Romney was against assault weapons until the NRA said jump, but family is important. And we need education because education is the magic bullet, so to speak. Inner city school reform. Skilled worker training. Higher education. Lines for Obama dip when he asks for a few seconds more because Candy IS TO BE RESPECTED, say the lines.

10:26: Carol Goldberg wants to know about outsourcing. Romney: China is bad and taking all our jobs because it’s not attractive to run a business in America. He uses his “trickle-down government” line again and talks about BIDNESS. China has not played by the rules and artificially keeps the yuan low, which is quite true, and Obama has not done anything about this. Romney promises on Day One that he will talk smack about China and then put tariffs in place if he has to. And also taxes, and he blathers about Canada’s corporate tax rate because FUCK OFF, don’t bring us into your bullshit, Mitt. He wants regulators to ENCOURAGE small business! And also, Obamacare bad! This is Mitt’s same-old same-old.

10:30: Obama wants to kill corporate tax loopholes that make overseas investment attractive, and his policies will create jobs… in China! Or India or Germany. Also, in the private sector, Romney did a lot of outsourcing in the private sector, and also the American dollar has risen while he’s been President, and the pressure he put on China means American exports have gone up. Candy wants to know how America can manufacture iPads and things. Romney: China has been cheating and stealing IP, and BIDNESS BIDNESS TAXES TAXES. Obama: some low-wage, low-skill jobs are not going to come back, so we concentrate on high-skill jobs, and if we’re cutting on investments in science and education to pay for Romney’s tax cuts, we’re fucked. Romney starts shouting GOVERNMENT DOES NOT CREATE JOBS like a crazy man.

10:34: Barry Green wants to know how each candidate thinks he’s been mischaracterized. Romney: I really care about people! I spent my life in the private sector because I want to help people! I believe in God! I served as a missionary for my church (and avoided the Vietnam draft, ooops). Also I brought Romneycare to Massachusetts, because now it’s good. And Obama sucks and the economy sucks. Obama: I don’t think government creates jobs. I think free enterprise and self-reliance create jobs – but I also think everybody gets a fair shot and pays their fair share. I think Romney is a good man (Obama, showing he can indeed lie through his teeth), but that 47% comment shows where the dipshit is coming from. Then he talks about the GI Bill as a good example of what he wants.

10:39: And that’s that. Romney wasn’t as good as he was in the first debate, but with a few exceptions he generally avoided fucking up (other than, you know, the constant lying). Obama CAME TO PLAY, however, and that’s the difference, because when you get down to it he’s smarter than Romney is. Mild win for Obama.

FLAPJACKS: Hey, did you ever see Junior? That movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant?
ME: No.
FLAPJACKS: I didn’t either. Did they ever explain how the hell he was able to get pregnant without a uterus? I mean, I know he took Miracle Drugs which let him get pregnant even though he was a man, that’s the point of the movie. But he has no uterus. Do the Miracle Drugs like, give him a temporary uterus?
ME: I have no idea.
FLAPJACKS: Maybe they make the placenta into a temporary uterus. But in the movie Arnold is visibly pregnant. Maybe the temporary uterus is inside his stomach lining? The baby obviously can’t be in the stomach because of the acid, though, so that doesn’t work.
ME: I still have no idea.
FLAPJACKS: …aha! The appendix!
ME: Aha?
FLAPJACKS: The appendix does nothing, right? So maybe that is where the baby ends up. In a vestigial organ! My god, I’m brilliant.
ME: But the appendix is connected to the beginning of the large intestine. I don’t think your plan works unless you are going to drown the fetus in poop.
FLAPJACKS: The super-placenta theory takes care of that. It creates a poop-barrier. Not a barrier made of poop, a barrier against poop. +5 versus poop, if you will. Also, if you think about it, the appendix being the man-uterus makes sense because it’s connected to the intestine and therefore provides a natural birthing route for the baby.
ME: …wait, you’re saying that male natural childbirth as in Junior is to shit the baby out?
FLAPJACKS: Well, where else is the baby gonna come out?
ME: Putting aside the question of whether a baby could pass through one’s intestines without A) suffocating or B) rupturing the intestines –
FLAPJACKS: Ahem: Miracle Drugs. Done. Next question.
ME: – okay, whatever, but you’re still talking about a labour that would be at least a twenty-hour shit, basically. Probably much longer, because the baby would be bigger and therefore proceed more slowly.
FLAPJACKS: Well, it is only proper that childbirth take a long time and be somewhat painful. Men should not get out of that. Plus, after you finally gave birth –
ME: I hope to god that is a general “you” and not a specific one.
FLAPJACKS: Okay, wimp, after one gave birth, it would be euphoric in the way that only a truly great bowel movement can be. Except you also get a baby.
ME: I think this is the most awful conversation we have ever had.
FLAPJACKS: How did they deal with the birthing issue in Junior, anyway?
ME: Wikipedia says Arnold had a Caesarean.
FLAPJACKS: Wimp.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

Fair warning: next week’s column will probably just be “Nothing is on TV that is better than playing XCOM. You should probably play XCOM.”

Edit: Whoops, that was last week’s page. Fixed!

And if you like, you can also go to the dedicated Al’Rashad site.

All right, so.  Problems:

1. I cannot tell if this is ironically suggesting fake nerd girls are a menace to nerd culture or if it is meta-sublimina-ironically mocking nerd culture for believing same.  It should not be so hard for me to figure this out and that makes me very sad.

2. Are the bow and arrows just part of the supervillain motif, or is it meant to indicate that newly minted Hunger Games and/or Avengers fangirls are to be incorporated in this stereotype?  I’m just saying, these are things I should not have to dwell upon when the intended response is “HO HO HO OH GOD IT’S FUNNY ‘CUZ IT’S TRUE!”

3. I am pretty sure that spending all day on Facebook and bragging about it in a self-deprecating way does indeed make you a huge nerd.1  The barrier to entry in this field is not particularly high.  Just knowing what a LOLcat is may qualify.

3a. Not gonna lie, the Star Wars ringer T-shirt is really really nerdy.  Not “I guest-blog for a guy I met on Usenet who reviews board games” nerdy, but like I said barrier to entry yadda yadda.

3b. Geez, that Nintendo 64 controller is probably almost as old as she is!  Why not give her a MP-05 Megatron pistol and a Tom Baker scarf while you try to convince me she isn’t legit?

4. She seems nice.  I mean, I can think of worse problems to have than running into her at the comics shop and being asked to explain the difference between Justice League Dark and Dark Avengers.2  She only seems to be a villain if we redefine the term to mean “person who is generally not difficult to coexist with and may choose not to have sex with you.”

5. I am not certain what her sinister plan is.  That is to say, I went and looked at the other characters3 and I get why they would be a pain in the ass, but The Imposter seems to just want to hang out if that’s okay.  Even if we accept that she’s not really a nerd, what is the problem? 4  The only downside I see is that she actually is a giant nerd, and therefore might annoy me by blathering about extremely esoteric subjects, like all other nerds do.

1. Or dork or geek or poindexter.  I prefer not to wade into such semantics. [↩]
2. Answer: Dark at the end of the title means “except spookier” and at the beginning of the title means “evil version of.” [↩]
3. SPOILERS: none of them were funny. [↩]
4. “All my Douglas Adams references are useless!” is not a problem. [↩]

‘Damage Control’ is one of those little, everyday Voight-Kampf tests that you come across in popular culture sometimes. If you sit someone down with a copy of the ‘Damage Control’ mini-series, written by the late, great Dwayne McDuffie with art by the wonderfully talented Ernie Colón, and they do not finish it smiling, then you should slowly and quietly get out of the room and call for the blade runners, because the person you just met has no soul. It is pure fun, plain and simple.

The series starts from that weird dichotomy between the two views of “realism” in comics, especially Marvel comics. Some people who read Marvel for its “realism” like it because it’s a world they recognize; New York is a real city, and most of the writers and artists at Marvel either live there or know the place well enough that they can depict it accurately. The world of Marvel feels just like the world outside your window, and it’s easy to imagine that you could visit New York and just happen to see Spidey swinging by. It catches people’s imaginations. The other group, though, see “realism” and think of it as the logical exploration of the consequences of a world with superhuman beings; to them, Marvel is being “realistic” when it has things like Congressional hearings on superhumans, or when we see the futuristic technology of Reed Richards being used in logical ways. This makes them feel immersed in the world, because there aren’t any big and awkward gaps of logic that they have to ignore in order to enjoy the series.

The problem is, these views are pretty much mutually incompatible. Any world that deals with the realistic consequences of power armor, otherdimensional incursions, mutants and superhero battles isn’t going to look like our world for long. (I always wondered how long real-world persecution of mutants would last. “We had ourselves a lynching party last night for that mutant SOB!” “How’d it go?” “Well, we lost about seven people, and the mutant survived. But we think it’ll go better next time!”) The idea of Marvel being the world right outside your window, only with superheroes requires a tremendous amount of mental gymnastics to make work if you assume genuinely realistic consequences. In fact, if you think about it, the whole thing is kind of silly.

Dwayne McDuffie clearly thought about it. The logical answer, he realized, is also completely absurd; you’d need a superhumanly competent construction company, working round-the-clock at insane speed and efficiency, just to repair all the damage to New York caused by all these fights between the Hulk and the Thing. And so he invented one. Damage Control is a group of people that fix the post-battle devastation, collecting their bills from Doctor Doom and raising Avengers Mansion from the bottom of New York harbor. Naturally, this requires a certain amount of finesse…when you’re constantly cleaning up after supervillains, they stop becoming enemies of society and start becoming a source of income. Dealing with the Kingpin, Thunderball, the Punisher, and a cheesed-off Captain America who doesn’t like the way they’re handling the repairs is everyday (or at least every issue) business to them…to say nothing of handling the various construction workers who accidentally get superpowers while cleaning up the messes.

It is a transcendently goofy, yet wholly logical exploration of the consequences of life in the Marvel Universe, and the creators did a wonderful job with every issue of the three mini-series that featured them. (Including tie-ins to ‘Acts of Vengeance’, which was yet another reason why that crossover rocked so hard.) Of course, comics being what they are, we got a “grim and gritty” Damage Control showing up in ‘Civil War’, but let’s not focus on that. Let’s focus instead on the good, the fun, and the joyous, like Doom showing mercy to an embezzler in his embassy by simply firing him. (Why does Doom pay for the repairs when he causes mayhem in New York? Because a monarch always settles his debts.) The series has sadly never been collected, but back issues aren’t hard to come by. Go, read, and have a little fun with the “realism” of the Marvel Universe.

8:51: Martha Raddatz is explaining that if you do not turn off your cell phone, you will run the risk of being humiliated forever.

8:56: CNN Talkinhedz ™ are explaining that either this debate is incredibly important or totally meaningless. I should probably switch to Newsworld, but my TV’s reception on CNN is better and it makes Paul Ryan look so much more handsome, and that’s the important thing.

9:01: Hey, when was the last time Wolf Blitzer wasn’t a joke? The first Gulf War, maybe?

9:02: And they are out. Biden has a big fuck-you smile. Ryan’s dead eyes are in full effect.

9:03: LIBYA! The embassy attack. Was it an intelligence failure? Biden: It was a tragedy, and we will find and bring to justice the people who did it, and it won’t happen again. But unlike Mitt Romney, we’re ending the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and by the way we killed Bin Laden, and Mitt Romney is a dipshit who wasn’t concerned about any of that and probably wants to go to war in Iran. Ryan: they should’ve called it a terrorist attack, and shouldn’t we have Marines guarding our embassies, and why are they blaming us for politicizing it, and Benghazi is just the symptom of everything going bad. Biden is GRINNING LIKE A JACKAL at Ryan’s response. Raddatz: how about when you put out a statement on the day of the attacks? Wasn’t that inappropriate? Ryan: we should always stand up for freedom and by the way, we can’t cut defense.

9:08: BIDEN: “With all due respect, that’s a load of malarky.” DAMN! He points out that Ryan voted to cut embassy security, that Romney made a statement before anybody knew any facts on the ground, that Obama has brought the world together on Iran. Raddatz asks Biden, basically, what he knew and when he knew it? Biden: the intelligence community told us what they happened, and then they learned some more and changed their minds. And then he slams the GOP for attacking Obama during a crisis. BIDEN CAME TO PLAY BALL, MOTHERFUCKERS

9:12: Ryan agrees with Raddatz that apologies are merited for when American troops piss on enemy corpses, but then goes back to attack about the lack of Marines in Benghazi. Switch to Iran! Raddatz talks about how a strike on Iran would not work and asks what each candidate’s position on a strike would be. Ryan: we can’t let Iran get nukes, and Obama fought for strenous sanctions which would have prevented Iran from getting more fissile material, and Obama is sending mixed signals, and we can’t let Iran get nukes, and Obama is a wimpy-wimp who is afraid to use the military. Biden: you think we would’ve gotten Russia and China on board with Republicans at the helm? Romney’s already said the sanctions are enough, what more do they want? Besides, all of the intelligence communities agree that Iran is still quite a ways from nuclear missiles. Then he fact-checks Ryan’s talk about fissile material, pointing out that Iran needs a missile in order for it to be any use.

9:17 “They’re spinning the centrifuges faster.” What does that EVEN MEAN, Paul Ryan? And then he bitches about Israel and that Obama went on “The View.” Raddatz points out that Netanyahu has promised to basically attack by spring and asks the guys what they’d do. Ryan: well, you get them to change their minds. Raddatz: how will you do that? Ryan: you have to have credibility. Ryan is looking like a real putz here. Biden then makes him look like even more of a putz with, like, facts, and points out again that Iran is totally isolated. Ryan again brags about sanctions. Biden: they don’t have a weapon. “Facts matter.” As does the world being behind you.

9:21: Back to Gates’ statement about a strike being disastrous. Ryan: Obama is encouraging Iran and they watered down the sanctions that manly Republicans put in place, then does some standard anti-Iran rhetoric. Biden: war has to be the last resort, and the sanctions are working, and we don’t bluff.

9:23: ECONOMY! Can you get unemployment below 6 percent? Biden: yes, but remember, we came into office in the middle of a disaster, at which time Romney said “no, let’s let the auto industry go under, let’s let houses go under,” and then references the 47% comment and Ryan’s 30% taker tax, and he is PISSED about this, and barking angry, and oh my god it’s so awesome. He references Grover Norquist and their blind fealty to his no-taxes pledge, then attacks them for wanting tax cuts for the super-wealthy. Ryan attacks the unemployment rate in Scranton and says “that’s how it’s going all over America,” and Biden jumps in and attacks but gets cut off by the moderator. Ryan: wrong direction! Wrong direction! Five point plan! Biden looks like he wants to punch him in the face. Then he explains that Mitt Romney brought gifts to a struggling family at Christmas, and gave 30 percent of his income to charity (well, most of that was actually the Mormon Church) and then zings Biden for being a gaffe machine.

9:29: Biden: “if you think the 47 percent comment was a mistake… I got a bridge to sell ya.” Biden talks about the accident that killed his daughter and first wife, gets a little hoarse-voiced, says he doesn’t doubt Romney’s commitment to individuals, but then says Romney would’ve let the auto industry go under, and then says that if the GOP would get out of the way, “stop talking about how you care” and savages the GOP for causing all the problems in the first place, and for everybody thinking it, Obama could NEVER HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH THIS, because black, and you know it.

9:31: Ryan: they had full control of the government when they came into office! (Not actually true.) He complains about cronyism and Biden starts groaning, pointing out that the inspector-general found precisely dick, and that Ryan asked for the stimulus he just whined about twice because “it would create growth and jobs! HIS WORDS!” Oh god this is beautiful. Ryan starts whining about borrowing money from China. Biden: it was a good idea and ratings agencies saying it was a good idea.

9:34: ENTITLEMENTS! Ryan: they’re going bankrupt! But we’ll only fix Social Security and Medicare for young people, not you old people who vote. And he GOES to the $716 BILLION FROM MEDICARE WELL and you can just SEE Biden lining up his swing like a clutch hitter, he’s trying not to giggle, it’s beautiful. Ryan goes through the usual gaggle of bullshit about their unworkable healthcare plan. Biden compares Ryan to Palin (SICK BURN), explains the $716 billion figure accurately, points out that the AMA and AARP endorsed it, that seniors got more benefits, then slams Ryan for, yeah, vouchers, like his original plan, and then goes FULL ROOSEVELT with a “trust me, folks, it’s not gonna cost any more” mock on Ryan. Ryan says “they got caught with their hands in the cookie jar” and that hospitals will go out of business (and he’s straight up lying, and Biden starts attacking hardcore him for lying) and Ryan actually says Biden is “under duress” and Biden is getting MORE AND MORE PISSED.

9:40: Ryan claims his plan is bipartisan. Biden points out that Ron Wyden disavowed the plan. Biden: “If they allowed Medicare to bargain for pharmaceuticals they would save $156 billion.” Ryan lies again about loss of choices. Raddatz asked about raising the age of eligibility, and Biden goes back to the Reagan era and says that they found a deal then to make the system solvent for fifty years without raising eligibility age, then attacks the voucher plan. Ryan whines about “stale tactics” and that Biden is fearmongering. Social Security privatizaion debate: Ryan talks a lot of crap and then Biden cuts through it, and then says straight up the GOP wants to kill Medicare and Social Security. Ryan is getting whinier and whinier.

9:44: TAXES. If your ticket is elected, who will pay more in taxes? Biden: middle class less, millionaires more, let the wealthy Bush tax cuts lapse. Then he says they want to extend the Bush tax cuts for the middle class permanently – which is a terrible idea, let’s be fair – and then says that the GOP is holding middle-class tax cuts hostage and rich people don’t need help. Ryan: we need to grow the economy and create jobs and we will create seven million jobs, and you can’t pay the budget with taxes on rich people alone (good thing nobody is proposing that). Biden is grinning again like a motherfucker because Ryan really is just not that smart and then Ryan references Canada’s corporate tax cuts, which, FYI, didn’t really help at all here just so you guys know. Then Ryan talks about loopholes being closed and mocks the “five trillion” remark.

9:49: Raddatz: does Ryan actually have specifics about how you’ll pay for your tax cuts? Ryan gives a non-answer and Raddatz asks again. Ryan gives another non-answer and talks about “framework” and the six bogus studies that say his plan is feasible. Biden desperately wants to respond to this and: 97 percent of small businesses make less than $250,000 a year, but they want to count hedge funds (saying the words like “dead hobos”) as small businesses, then points out that they want to exempt the capital gains exemption from their loophole plans, and says you have to cut mortgage exemptions and charitable deductions and healthcare deductions and it’s not mathematically possible. Ryan says NO IT TOTALLY IS and still refuses to give details in the name of getting things done. Ryan then goes to the Romney Is Bipartisan well.

9:53: Raddatz wants to know how else Biden will balance the budget, Biden says “well, let the Bush cuts elapse” and then Ryan starts talking about how the math really and truly works and Biden wants him to guarantee the mortgage deduction will be untouched for people earning less than $100K and Ryan just talks over it. Then we switch to the military in a hurry. Ryan blasts the military cuts and how they cannot be cut. Biden then says, pointedly, that Ryan VOTED FOR THE DEAL that provides for the automatic cuts, and that the military and the Joint Chiefs wants a smaller, leaner military.

9:57: Afghanistan! Ryan: We agree with the transition! We agree with the 2014 date! But we would have done it differently from how Obama is doing it, which is Bad, and military cuts are also bad. Biden: I’ve been to Afghanistan and Iraq twenty times, we’ve killed Bin Laden, we’ve trained the Afghan military, and we’ve done that, so we’re drawing down gradually, and Ryan and Romney say “it depends” but no, it doesn’t, we’re leaving, the primary objectives are basically completed, so let’s go. Ryan: well, we don’t WANT to stay, and Obama’s foreign policy is a failure everywhere and also jobs, for some reason, and we don’t want to give an exact date for when we leave because if we leave then the terrorists will know we are leaving. Ryan’s total lack of foreign policy acumen is really glaring here. Biden: 49 of our allies are leaving. Everybody agrees. Raddatz: do you think the Taliban is taking advantage of the timeline? Biden: if you don’t set a timeline, they won’t step up and they’ll just keep letting us do the job. (I think this is going to be a painfully effective argument.) Raddatz: What about the surge troop drawdown? Was that political? Biden: we announced the surge’s end when we began the surge, and we followed the Joint Chiefs’ reaction. You can’t wait; it takes months to draw down forces.

10:05: In a surreal moment, Ryan is lecturing Biden about the weather in Afghanistan, and Biden again just destroys him because Biden knows this stuff to the bone from thirty years plus of foreign policy experience and Ryan got two hours to prepare for this part of the debate because he has none. Biden is SHOUTING at him by the end. Oh god Biden is finally showing Paul Ryan the total lack of respect he has always deserved and it is GLORIOUS.

10:08: What about Syria? BIDEN: It’s a different country and it’s totally different because it’s right in the middle of everything instead of being in a bunch of mountains in the middle of nowhere. Romney keeps saying “we need to do more” but seriously, folks, what the fuck are they gonna do? Start another ground war? When you ask Romney about what he’s actually gonna do, he has to admit he wouldn’t do anything different, and if they want to do something different, they should nut up and say so. Ryan: nobody’s going to send troops to Syria! What WE would do is not refer at one single point to Assad as a “reformer” and we wouldn’t let Putin have veto power in the Security Council, because Paul Ryan lives in a magical elf world where he thinks the President can do that. Biden is taking notes. FEAR HIS NOTES.

10:11: Biden: “What – would – my – friend – do – differently?” And then he just starts punching Ryan in the face. no, I just imagined that, sorry. “We’re not going through the UN.” Raddatz: “What happens if Assad hangs on?” Ryan: It will be bad and we will lose credibility, but we should have worked with freedom fighters earlier, and then explains that if he had been in charge he somehow would have kept Russia from giving Syria weapons, because magical elf world. Raddatz: “what is your criteria for intervention generally?” Ryan: Strategic American interests, although he bobbles a bit when he gets asked about humanitarian intervention.

10:15: Raddatz wants to ask about abortion and how their respective Catholic faiths have informed their beliefs thereof. Ryan says that his faith tells him how he should protect the vulnerable and then is promptly struck by lightning. Then he talks about seeing his baby on the ultrasound and says he’s straight-up pro-life and that the Romney administration will only protect exemptions for rape, incest and health of the mother (which is debatable, but this is probably the most honest Ryan has been all night, so what the hell, let him have it). Then he complains about Obamacare interfering with faith because he can’t go five minutes without bullshitting.

10:17: Biden talks about the Catholic social doctrine. He accepts his church’s position on abortion, but refuses to impose it on other people, and says it’s a decision between a woman and her doctor, and then tears into Ryan on the interference with faith issue because it’s bullshit, and points out that Ryan has in the past not been interested in rape/incest/health exemptions. Ryan basically admits this, but says that Romney will have policy! Because you can trust Romney. Raddatz wants more details and Ryan says he thinks elected officials and not judges should decide how these things should be determined, and then Biden drops the Supreme Court hammer and points out how close the Roe v. Wade decision is.

10:21: Raddatz wants the candidates to complain about negative campaigning because a soldier doesn’t like it. Biden: we’re obligated to the troops, and troops are great, and by the way Mitt Romney said that soldier was a leech. Both of us probably regret some of the things that are said about this campaign, and Citizens United just made it worse, and the most important things a President can have is conviction and compassion, and Romney is kind of shit out of luck on both of those. Ryan: Well, we couldn’t cut the military and Obama is blame blame blame and Ryan’s lines are AWFUL, by the way, they have been all night, and then he just blames Obama a lot more after complaining about Obama’s campaign being too negative. Ryan is really coming off as a whiny little prick, frankly. Biden is TAKING NOTES again and has his “oh man am I pissed with this little turd” face. Biden: Ryan’s budgets MURDER the middle class so it can give tax cuts, and Ryan voted to put two tax cuts on a credit card so who the fuck is this guy, really?

10:28: Raddatz: What can you bring to the table personally? Ryan: I can work with Democrats! I’m VERY SERIOUS! Biden: I’m genuine and honest, and I’m all about the middle class and treating people fairly.

10:29: Closing statements! Biden: Thanks, everybody, NOW BEERS ON ME! Nah, just kidding. OR AM I? but really, Biden is all “we need to help people who need help, oh, and you know how I’m frustrated with them being douchebags? Yeah, they’re really douchebags, and fuck these people, they hate you and what you stand for, and all you normal folks want is a fair go and peace of mind, and Turdboy here would fuck you in the ass for a dollar.” Ryan: “Thanks! And I WOULD fuck you in the ass for a dollar!” Nah, it’s more of the “Obama had his chance, so let us try our disastrous plans all over again because maybe this time they work, and Mitt Romney created jobs so how about we let him do that in the Presidency even though he did not so much do that.”

10:32: And that’s that. Raddatz did a decent job as moderator. Ryan was a worthless little schmuck. Biden just became every Democrat’s favrit.

(commentary requested by several people.)

So, as we all know, Scott Kurtz believes that thinking that Jack Kirby was screwed by Marvel and doing something about it is “slacktivism” and moral self-aggrandizement. (As Leonard Pierce pointed out, suggesting that people donate to charity the price of an Avengers movie ticket was precisely the opposite of slacktivism, but whatever.)

However, we now learn that Scott Kurtz is also terribly upset by the fact that people other than Charles Schulz are continuing to create Peanuts content. One would note that Charles Schulz’ estate – unlike that of Jack Kirby – actually profits from these new works, which puts them on far more solid moral ground than Marvel Comics currently possesses. But one of these things bothers Scott Kurtz and the other does not.

This is so profoundly inconsistent I don’t know where to begin. Honestly, it is a giant wall of “what the fuck?” I mean, look at this quote right here:

Dear America, it’s okay for things to die. It’s poetic and gives the work more meaning that there ISN’T more of it.

Unless, of course, it’s The Avengers, which were nurtured by generations of caretakers like they were fine wine.

Of course, mockery is besides the point, because we all know Kurtz’ objections aren’t based on any moral or ethical grounds, but instead purely on his whims. He’s a purist when it comes to Peanuts1 because he loves the classic strips. He’s a pragmatist2 when it comes to Marvel properties, because he likes reading current comics. The fact that in one case the family of the creator of the work benefits and in the other the family of the creator of the work gets screwed is entirely besides the point, because Kurtz isn’t concerned about what is fair or what is just to them.3 He’s concerned – like so many nerds are – about how these things affect him.

Why anybody would expect more is really beyond me, but there you go.

1. So am I, for the record – I think the new comics and movie are an awful idea. However, I am simply going to deal with it by not spending money on them. [↩]
2. This is perhaps not quite the right word, but “schmendrick” does not dichotomize well with “purist.” [↩]
3. There is of course a very good argument to be made that copyright should revert to the public domain upon the creator’s death, but realistically this is not going to happen anytime soon and I don’t want to spend time jerking off about it. [↩]

My weekly TV column is up for Torontoist.

(And yes, nerds: Arrow sucks. At least the pilot sucked, and hard. They are promising Deadshot for later in the season so I might watch that episode, but the acting is not very good and without that I’m just not gonna waste my time.)