Night Slayer is one of the many examples of the school of Batman villain that’s more old-school 70s-style Batman than modern Batman: the guy who wants to be as good as Batman at being Batmannish, but evil. There are others, of course: Black Spider, the Wrath,1 KGBeast and Prometheus are all from this “hey let’s sit down and make a Batman villain” train of thought.

And, honestly, most of them are crap, because the entire point of Batman is that he’s more or less an ultimate paragon of humanity. None of these guys are threatening, because you know Batman is going to win. I mean, come on. Night Slayer knows martial arts and can “blend into shadow.” KGBeast has a gun-arm. Prometheus is Evil Batman Squared. Nobody particularly cares about any of them (except KGBeast, who somewhere along the line got chic for being sort of corny in an Old School Comix sort of way and because “Ten Nights of the Beast” is a pretty good Batman story – but seriously, everything since then has been mucho downhill).

The anticlimax with Batman’s inevitable victory with these guys is somehow greater than the inevitability of him beating the Joker or Two-Face or anybody else from his usual gallery of Arkham psychotics. Although you know Batman is going to win in those comics too, ultimately any story about fighting somebody really psycho-crazy is, at root, a horror story, and the point of a horror story is the experience being appropriately ghoulish, creepy or weird. It’s not the end; it’s the journey. But when Batman fights Evil Skilled Person, the journey is that much less interesting, because not only is Batman going to win, but most of the time Batman’s going to win and he’s going to win on his home turf. I mean, you can’t outfight Batman. You can only try to out-weird him, most of the time. Which means that Batman stories versus non-crazies are the Batman equivalent of process stories more than anything else, and nobody really gets excited about process stories.

The exception that proves the rule here is Bane. I’m firmly in Tim O’Neil’s camp on this one: Bane is one of Batman’s best villains, and I’d go further and argue that he is the best Batman villain.2 Bane is the best Batman villain of all because he beat Batman. Straight-up, no qualifications, he beat Batman. Yeah, Batman eventually came back and managed to tie it up; big deal, because nobody else ever put him down on the count before. Because Bane beat Batman by, essentially, being Batman – smart, planning, physically extremely capable, nigh-inhuman supply of willpower3 – his victory was never an Arkham horror story. It was a straight-up Batman-versus-a-criminal story, except Batman lost, and lost definitively.

The last few issues of Secret Six have been fantastic because Bane decided it was time to screwing around and get back to doing what he does best: e.g. beating Batman to prove he’s the best. When Batman finds out about this, what does he do? He calls in every superhero he can find, because Batman knows Bane can beat him. Does Batman call for help when he has to fight the Joker again? No, he just goes out and beats up the Joker, because it’s Thursday and that’s what Batman does on Fridays. When Bane shows up, Batman has to stop himself from pissing his pants.

And because Bane is so good, he just makes all the other “normal” Batman villains that much worse.

1. Taking a moment here to admit that the Wrath was actually a really great concept and had a great story, but was executed so well that logically, by any sense of narrative, he had to die at the end, and there endeth the Wrath. [↩]
2. Riddler is my favorite, but that’s not the same thing. [↩]
3. FREE STORY IDEA FOR DC COMICS: Bane. Green Lantern ring. Done. [↩]

Your guest judges are Kenny Ortega and Katie Holmes, who is a human wasteland. Damn, is that a whole season without Adam Shankman? Shame. Adam’s nice, and usually tries to give reasonably good criticism. The final episode of the season is usually pretty weak because the dancers are exhausted, but let’s see what happens.

Melanie and Marko: disco. When Doriana Sanchez explains that her vision of “the best disco ever” is “lots of lifts,” I just kind of groan – and, as expected, the lifts were very, very long. Don’t get me wrong, the fact that they can spin that much without losing accuracy is impressive. Melanie and Marko were both game for the cheese factor of disco, which I appreciate, but the entire thing felt lacklustre and a little slow: they clearly weren’t comfortable with the technique and tried to get by on performance, and endless boring spins aren’t going to cut it.

Sasha and All-Star Mark: contemporary. Man, Mark got Sasha’s haircut! Anyway, this was absolutely fabulous in every single respect: the best routine Sonya has put together in… god, maybe since Alex/Allison last year? And danced perfectly. Mark is an excellent partner for Sasha – and well, yeah, he’s an excellent partner for everybody because Mark is astoundingly good at basically everything, but even in that regard he was particularly exceptional with Sasha. This was so good. Seriously.

Tadd and All-Star Joshua: hip-hop. Lil’C doing not-krump? Huh. This was interesting, because although both Tadd and Joshua danced this quite well, during the first third of the routine Joshua was hitting it harder and more accurately than Tadd, then they balanced out, and then for the final third Tadd was hitting it harder than Joshua, which almost never happens: when one partner is better than another, usually it’s consistently so or the result of one partner starting or ending a routine weakly. Nigel complains that Tadd is too nice, because

Melani and All-Star Robert: contemporary. Nigel pointedly emphasizes that Stacey Tookey is Canadian, for what reason I am not sure. Anyway, this was very good in the sort of way I expected it to be very good: in a way that didn’t particularly excite me, but the excellence of which I nonetheless appreciate.

Sasha and Marko: Broadway. You know, it’s actually really rare for an SYTYCD Broadway routine’s comedy to be something I actually find funny, but Marko’s reactions here were genuinely great, and the little beats Spencer Liff put into the routine – that paired head-turn and ankle-cock early in the routine, for example – worked very nicely.

Melanie’s solo: Perfectly decent. She’s a really great contemporary dancer, of that there can be no doubt.

Marko’s solo: Really impressive. Marko’s speed and accuracy in his solos always impresses me.

Sasha and Tadd: cha-cha. What has come to me to be standard for American SYTYCD ballroom: hit the big tricks, simply not have the basic technique. The judges destroy them for something that was rightfully terrible, throwing Tadd under the bus to give Sasha at least a little bit of protection, because after all Tadd isn’t gonna win this and everybody knows it.

All-Star Lauren (season seven edition) and Marko: contemporary. This was really quite nice, although of course Kenny Ortega hits the nail on the head when he says the routine is a “gift” to Marko, as if every dancer wasn’t given their own style to dance once with an All-Star. (Well, except for Tadd, who didn’t get a B-boy routine but rather straight hip-hop, but whatever, it’s only Tadd.) Anyway, this was lovely.

Tadd’s solo: Much more musical than I’m used to from Tadd’s solos, which generally don’t grab me.

Melanie and Tadd: jazz. I am tremendously amused that they found a way for Melanie to remove the heels within the first third of the routine. Anyway: meh. Technically competent, didn’t especially grab me in any way: Melanie is usually a really good actress as dancers go, but this just felt generic and forced, and it translated to her dancing, which I thought was laboured. Tadd was a better scoundrel and felt more comfortable, and carried the routine.

Sasha’s solo: Like Melanie, perfectly good contemporary solo.

Melanie and Sasha: contemporary. Aaaaaaand that’s 3/1 for “Melanie dancing in her style” versus “Melanie having to dance out of style” on the night, which was about what I expected. Also, I like Stacey Tookey’s choreo, but any piece about 50s housewives where Sasha and Melanie are afforded equal status just doesn’t work for me, because in the 50s Sasha would have been the help. Yes, yes, I know, they’re playing roles, but… even so, you know?

Marko and Tadd: hip-hop. True story: before this aired, I said in email to a friend that I was certain that if Tadd and Marko got to dance together, they would get buried with something impossible because since day one this season has been All About The Girls and the judges have constantly said it’s All About The Girls, and Tadd and Marko are unfortunately not girls. And I was right! A stepping routine! Incredibly hard and intricate, nowhere close to either dancer’s style, no point during the routine where you could hear the stepping and slaps which is more or less the point of stepping, and of course probably the most energetic and aerobic routine of the night is saved for dead last, so when Marko and Tadd predictably blow it and blow it hard, Nigel can sanctimoniously say “well I told you a girl was going to win.” Shut up, Nigel.

Final four order should be: 1.) Sasha 2.) Marko 3.) Melanie 4.) Tadd.
Final four order will be: 1.) Sasha 2.) Melanie 3.) Marko 4.) Tadd.

Over at Torontoist, I dueled with Patrick Metzger over the issue of allowing corporate advertising inside of schools.

Image blatantly looted from the always excellent flashboy

It’s been a while since I exercised my guest-blogger privileges here. I figured that since I was on the scene, I might write a bit about the shit that’s currently going down in my town– although my neighbourhood, Lambeth, is fairly quiet so far.

I am only an adopted Londoner, but I’ve inhaled enough urban grime to have acquired a certain patina of Londonness for my soul. One of the characteristics of the species is that we do not let shit faze us. In times of crisis, a Londoner feels an instantaneous connection to the survivors of the Blitz. Our shoulders square, our bosom swells, our accent becomes ten degrees more clipped, and suddenly you could use our upper lip as a backboard to practise your Wimbledon serve.

To be honest, the unflappability of the current generation probably has more to do with the plethora of attacks by various Irish maniacs during the Troubles, which carried on intermittently into the mid-’90s (long enough for even a late arrival like me to become blasé). Still, when the July 7th bombs went off in ’05, we went straight into Blitz mode. Out into the street we strolled with a generalised air of “Terror? No, sirs; it’s been tried before by bigger bastards than you.”

(We’re kind of like Captain America in that respect. Our comeback to everyone, up to and including Galactus, is “Oh yeah? Well, I fought Nazis. And won, so there. Nazis, dude.”)

But then there’s the other Britain. If we’re Five Go Mad In Dorset, we’re also Mr Jolly Lives Next Door. (First link rife with overstated tweeness; second link definitely NSFAnyone.)
continue reading "London’s burning"

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.

Your guest judges are Rex Harrington, Melissa Williams and Dan Karaty, and while I’m happy to see Dan two weeks in a row this show doesn’t need five judges. Jean-Marc pimps his new line of ballroom dance shoes, which actually look pretty damn nifty.

Jordan and Francois: samba. Absolutely insanely difficult choreography from Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas. Those lifts were absurdly nuts. It’s good to see Jordan getting stretched at last, and she did well enough – certainly her technique was at that level of “good enough that a skilled partner will cover any mistakes,” and Francois is certainly capable of hiding her bobbles in samba. But the thing about Jordan is that she looked very, well, young dancing this. Out of her style, she hits the big performance grin all the way through and just comes across as a bit immature, almost. Needs a little work. But you can’t fault the technique, otherwise, because she was very respectable. Francois, unshockingly, murdered it.

Geisha and Joey: contemporary. Stacey Tookey goes big with a story about a time-traveler from the future warning humanity about environmental degradation, and I must say it’s a lucky thing that futuristic time-travelers wear your standard dancing-smock. Which is to say the story didn’t really fly for me, but I liked the movement and both dancers did some wonderful work here, which is the minimum I expect from a Stacey Tookey and I was not disappointed.

Yuliya and JP: hip-hop. This is the third time JP has danced hip-hop (or, well, house, but close enough) with a partner who was dancing out of their style, and the first time he’s definitively outdanced his partner, which – well, at least it happened, I guess. Granted, Yuliya was dancing stiffly and missed the beat and tried to make the whole thing work by sneering the whole time, but JP was actually very good in this. But Yuliya was terrible.

Lindsay and Christian: jazz/funk. Entertaining routine from Blake here. Some obvious ballroom lifts shoehorned into the routine, presumably to give Christian a bit of help, but I thought this was good enough: Lindsay was excellent and Christian was… okay, I suppose. He really did have that snarl on the whole way, which is problematic, but unlike Yuliya he wasn’t dancing outright badly; just average-ish.

Denitsa and Matt: cha cha. This was… yeah, kinda bad. Denitsa was a fabulous partner, and she and Matt have good chemistry, but he was just so frigging awkward the whole way through – vast chunks of the routine allowed him to not cha-cha, and when he was cha-cha-ing it became rapidly evident why so much of the routine let him escape, because his technique was nonexistent: highstepping feet, almost stomping his way through the routine. Second time tonight a dancer was just obviously out of his depth. Judges gave him a lot of leeway, though.

Carlena and Shane: contemporary. Carlena has a really appealing quality to her dancing in this routine: very tough and forceful. Her kicks looked like kicks rather than a standard contempo-extend-the-limb, which suited her very nicely and worked within the routine, and Shane partnered her wonderfully. This was a great example of how untrained dancers can bring their own special thing to modern choreography, which is one of the best things about SYTYCD when it really happens. Jean-Marc blathers about how he hopes she won’t go home, which – Jean-Marc, you’re a judge, it’s kind of your decision.

Melissa and Adam: hip-hop. A deeply dirty Luther Brown special, and as “two contemporary dancers doing hip-hop” go, this was definitely much better than average for SYTYCD. Melissa was dead-on, just killing every step, absolutely murdering it (and in heels to boot) and Adam was… decent. Not quite great – he needed to dance further down into his center to really be great, and he was just floating up a little too much – but certainly hitting that “good enough” pocket for a jazz dancer and he was entirely respectable.

Probable bottom three: Yuliya and JP, Denitsa and Matt, Carlena and Shane.
Should go home: Yuliya and Matt.
Will go home: Yuliya and JP.

Hey, it could happen. The DCU is big, it’s got magical, and the Big Two comics companies have a long and stories tradition of incorporating their tie-in comics wholesale into their fictional universe so that they can get the cheap sales hit of crossing over their established heroes with the new corporate icon on the block. (Which is why they can’t reprint Marvel Two-In-One #21 and Power Man and Iron Fist #73, but that’s another long, angry post.) Sure, the money-printing engine that is a comic-book adaptation of J.K. Rowling’s work remains inexplicably absent, but she and her devotion to actually maintaining the integrity of her fictional characters can’t live forever. Someday there’s going to be a JLA/Harry Potter comic. And the question then is, who gets sorted into what house?

Superman, like Harry himself, would be a good choice for more than one house. His steely-hard integrity and devotion to friends like Jimmy and Lois (when he’s not in the Silver Age and “teaching them a lesson” about one thing or another by subjecting them to absurd robot-double based humiliations) could land him in Hufflepuff, while his intellect would also make him a good fit in Ravenclaw. (Although that’s an element of the character that’s been played down post-Byrne reboot…it used to be that Superman used the Fortress of Solitude to do his own elaborate experiments too dangerous or complex to be carried out in labs on inhabited continents, but these days he mostly subcontracts out the “being smart” to STARLabs.) But ultimately, Superman is someone who isn’t afraid of anything. It’s what makes him such an inspirational superhero; he’s what we could be if we were freed of our insecurities and vulnerabilities. And it’s what would make him an excellent Gryffindor!

Batman, of course, has already been covered with devastating accuracy by Chris Sims. I’d recap his logic here, but that’s what links are all about; suffice to say that he’s dead right, and Batman would be in Ravenclaw. (Where he would be joined by Batgirl, Oracle and at least one or two Robins, if the crossover was big enough.)

Wonder Woman is interesting, because while she’s every bit as brave and heroic as Superman, what defines them as different is Wonder Woman’s boundless compassion. She’s always been more interested in reforming villains and showing them a better way to live (anyone remember the Golden Age Paula von Gunther?) It’d be pretty easy to see her and Helga Hufflepuff commiserating on the plight of those poor students scorned by the other three houses and making a commitment to ensure than nobody goes through Hogwarts alone. She understands that “loyalty” and “dedication” are more than just being a tireless worker or a good friend, but being someone anyone can rely on. Which is what makes her the best Hufflepuff!

Green Lantern has, of course, already been through a glorified version of the Sorting when he became Green Lantern. Sure, it was funny-colored aliens instead of battered old hats, but who knows what the Sorting Hat is actually made out of? It looks kinda leathery; maybe somewhere in the mists of time the four founders of Hogwarts skinned themselves a Guardian and made it into a hat, and the tradition just evolved from there. In any event, “fearless” as a requirement for Green Lantern-hood makes it pretty obvious that whether Hal, Kyle, John or Guy, they’d all be Gryffindor!

The Flash…Barry’s the easiest to categorize, but all of the Flashes over the years share a certain reliability and dependability to them. The different Flashes, no matter which one you’re talking about, never had any particular trauma in their past that made them “driven to dispense justice” (except in the TV show, of course…) They just got powers, looked at the world around them, and said, “Hey, I should help out with this.” For Barry, it was an extension of his job, and for Wally, it was an extension of his friendship with Barry. Jay shares the same matter-of-fact approach to heroism, the kind of steady and old-fashioned nature that would make them excellent Hufflepuffs!

Martian Manhunter is another very easy one; he’s classically been seen as the team’s tactician ever since the characters stopped being merely a collection of superheroes that followed a writing formula and started being an actual team that people wrote stories about. (Which was sometime in the 1970s, probably..) We see it clearest in Morrison’s JLA, but it’s usually Martian Manhunter who is coming up with the plan and telling everyone else (with his mind) how to get it done. As such, he’d be right at home with Batman in Ravenclaw! (Anyone who does not want to see a storyline where Batman and Martian Manhunter forge a group of teenage witches and wizards into a merciless, steel-hard magical justice dispensing machine has no poetry in their soul, dammit.)

Aquaman is unique among all the Justice League in that he’s actually more important in his “civilian” identity than in his superheroic one. As King of Atlantis, he is responsible for guiding the destiny of a nation and commanding its people…and while he’s at times a reluctant ruler, and he’s certainly no despot, he is nonetheless accustomed to being the leader of a nation. He has to set an agenda for a whole country, he has at times had to fight challengers to the throne, and even when dealing with his own teammates, you can tell that he expects them to follow his direction…and while you couldn’t say that it’s the only aspect of his character, any more than you could claim that Batman isn’t brave or Wonder Woman isn’t smart, Aquaman is a rare example of a good character whose strongest aspect is ambition. As such, he would be a fine example of something sadly lacking in Rowling’s actual novels…a good Slytherin!

There’s the basic seven; if you have thoughts on other DC characters and their treatment by the Sorting Hat, feel free to leave them in the comments!*

*Yes, it is distinctly possible that I’ve gone completely insane. As it’s the kind of insanity that leads to Batman giving ninja-training to a horde of telepathically-linked Ravenclaws, I make no apologies.

I’ve seen the “why is it so urgent to make Spider-Man not white” argument about forty thousand times already all across the internets, so let’s get one thing clear:

Spider-Man has been around for fifty-eight years. He will, as of a couple of months from now, have had a non-white incarnation for 1/12th of one year.

That does not strike me as being particularly urgent.

So, after four years, over twenty-three hundred posts, over forty-four thousand comments (seriously, you people), twelve guestbloggers, sixty-three pages of my very own comic, at least five interviewers expressing concern over the content of my blog and how it might affect my work performance, and god knows how many hours of coming up with all of it, here we are.

I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.

I’m impressed: he’s amazingly intelligent and eloquent when provided a stupid question or assertion from which to work, and he only swears twice. I would have trouble stopping at a dozen swears, honestly.

My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.