Once upon a time, there was a band of kiddie heroes in the Golden Age. And that was all right!
Okay, so maybe there being the presence of a fat kid in tights named “Tubby” is the sort of thing that now seems ludicrous. As does a pretty girl – hell, any girl – voluntarily hanging out with kids in blue leotards and masks and fighting crime. (Seriously, Little Miss Redhead is so out of the Blue Boys’ league it is not even funny.) And of course, her special weapon is a rope! Which she can use as a lasso or a bola or it’s fucking rope, people!
And yeah, the idea of these kids beating organized criminal rings with their “cleverness and athletic skill” is kind of a stretch. Especially when you look at Tubby. Obviously there’s not a lot of athletic skill there, but with that dopey grin I’m thinking he’s short on the cleverness too, so I have to wonder how useful he was. Maybe they threw him at the bad guys, I don’t know.
But, still – Golden Age. More innocent time. There was a war on. And so forth. My point is that although these guys are not exactly on the scale of a Robin or Bulletman, they’re at least forgivable as products of their time.
But nothing excuses this.
What. The. FUCK.
One of the worst things about DC’s appealing to “tradition” is that it tends to occasionally fetishize its own history. Don’t get me wrong; it’s cool that someone like Nemesis gets reinvented as a love interest for Wonder Woman (not least because Steve Trevor is a fucking dink and we are well rid of him), or that Ma Hunkle gets brought back to be the JSA’s housekeeper. But it can go badly as well, even by the best of writers: Kurt Busiek creating a “new” Haunted Tank in Power Company is one of the most egregious examples I can think of, but I’m sure you people can come up with a laundry list.
But this – this thing – is the worst of them. Ever. It is a rebirth of Little Boy Blue and the Blue Boys – the team absolutely nobody demanded return – as second generation XTREEEEEEM reimaginings! They are the sons of the original Blue Boys! (Apparently Tubby reproduced. Possibly asexually.) One of them is an electronics expert and his nickname is “Static!” One of them uses a skateboard and his nickname is “Slats!” They are so fucking pathetically the product of a middle-aged mind that I’m almost hoping Little Boy Blue “does a rap.”
Yo I’m the LBB and I am here to say
that we three fight crime in our particular way
Slats rolls on his board, Static does his thing
and I’ll hit you with a bat, badda boom badda bing
And they beat Doctor Light, but that’s all right because now we know they could only beat him because Zatanna made him into a retard with magic. But seriously, even retarded-by-magic Doctor Light deserves better than to lose to these little assholes, whose soullessness is so evident that it makes me wince just looking at them.
Golden age version:
Modern-day version:
Comment that wins the thread: The modern team carries a baseball bat, a screwdriver, and a skateboard with a curious bashing-lip on the front. Clearly, if evil knows what’s good for it, it’ll hand over it’s wallet quietly. — wyrmsine
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Tubby in the first picture looks like he just, um…filled his leotards.
And while we’re on the subject of Doctor Light, really, he needs to get off that whole “Oh, Zatanna made me stupid and that’s why I always lost to lame super-heroes!” kick. He’s been back to normal for about four or five years now, and the only difference seems to be that it takes more Teen Titans to kick his sorry butt, and he’s rediscovered his love of rape. Maybe he was just never that good at super-villaining?
Wasn’t there also one in Morrison’s Seven Soldiers who got killed whatgood, or am I thinking of someone else?
The one in 7S was the grandson of Wolf Lupo, I think.
Also, I don’t think that’s a dopey grin Tubby’s got, so much as a “Little Miss Redhead is caressing me while those idiots mug for the camera” grin.
I just got that Flash issue with the LBB’s out of the quarter box last week! Young Gordon Purcell, who would go on to about a billion Star Trek comics, on art. It’s not great, but you can argue whether it’s cool or terrible that what was basically a try-out book got published and is part of continuity now.
I look at Slats’ skateboard and I have to wonder… does Purcell even know what a skateboard looks like? Even skateboards in 1988 didn’t look that stupid. Case in point: http://www.whenwewasrad.co.uk/index.php/2008/08/19/lance-mountain-and-steve-caballero-livingston-birmingham-wheels-and-wolverhampton/
If I had a redhead like that hanging on me, my boys would be blue too.
Speaking of little blue boys, do the second generation reimaginings all have to be in such… uh… inappropriately skin tight outfits? I mean, I suppose after reading enough comics, I should be used to that sort of thing. But, I mean… really? Is this really what we need to be seeing? Couldn’t they at least pretend to be discrete about this sort of thing?
Little Miss Redhead is almost as hot as the new Quinjet card that only has two copies in circulation:
http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/02/19/full-disclosure-quinjet/
I’m turning blue.
What?!?! No hypersexualized XTREEEEM redhead? Getting sloppy there, 90’s DC (I know Marvel has all the redheads needed and then some, but still)
Zifnab,
They stuff their jocks with socks.
Wow, the revamped Blue Boys got the same Rex-O-Meter score as Zyklon. I didn’t think anyone would ever score that low again.
And chenry, not only is Slats using the most ridiculous skateboard ever, he also appears to be falling off of it, as his foot isn’t even close to being in the right position for him to be standing on it.
Having read the one story the Modern Day version appear in (the Dr. Light story mentioned), the article description makes the modern day versions look a lot worse than they really are. They’re basically at the same level as the original team. (The closest any of them really comes to being Xtreme is one of them says Kowabunga while riding a skateboard. Once.)
Scans_daily has the story uploaded at http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/6107735.html#cutid1
Herb must have been retarded by magic too if he honestly went by the nickname “Toughy.” I mean Jesus Christ.
The modern team carries a baseball bat, a screwdriver, and a skateboard with a curious bashing-lip on the front. Clearly, if evil knows what’s good for it, it’ll hand over it’s wallet quietly.
At least Janie had the decency to wear a cunning disguise when she molested fat children in onesies.
… Looking at that redhead’s hair, and the people she hangs out with – no wonder she considered Roger Rabbit a prize catch.
All I can get out of the original is that “Toughy” there is baffled and put out by Red’s chubby-chasing.
Okay, seriously, the second set look like characters dreamed up for fast food kids menus. Like the Burger King kids club back in the day. The kind of characters dreamed up by out of touch executives based on what they think is “rad!”.
Also, because of the length of fabric the tops of their unitard (emphasis on tard) costumes, I’m getting a distinctly “Junior Klansmen UNITE!” vibe.
Correct me if I’m wrong but with a red hood and stuff isn’t Little Boy Blue’s costume the least blue of the bunch ? On the other hand Superman’s nickname’s Big Blue and his costume’s red and blue as well (look at that these two characters have sth in common) 😉
Is it just me, or is that redhead way too old to be hanging out with those boys? I’m getting a little creeped out by the way she’s holding on to Tubby there.
Wrath said: Is it just me, or is that redhead way too old to be hanging out with those boys? I’m getting a little creeped out by the way she’s holding on to Tubby there.
What about the redhead’s legs? The thighs scare me, as does her wasp-thin waist.
Maybe she’s an alien who eat fat boys.
Little Boy Blue got a black eye when he stuck his finger in the wrong dyke. True story.
…aaaaand I guess I should mention I’m a lesbian before the beat-down starts.
“…the beat-down starts”
I wouldn’t worry about it. This is the internet.
Lesbian nothing. Try playing devil’s advocate for libertarians. You can argue for days.
What stuns me – and makes me further agree with the stupidity of the revamp – is that this is probably the first time in recorded history someone decided to revive an old property and do away with the sex-appeal character.
So which one grew up to be The Tick?