1.) It is kind of pointless to run from a possessed gun. The gun can shoot you faster than you can run.

2.) Guns don’t kill people – demon guns kill cowards.

3.) If you have a fey moustache, it is your own damn fault if a possessed weapon kills you, Mr. Nancy Boy.

4.) There is no sentence fragment so ludicrous that it cannot become a Golden Age comic’s story title by giving it an appropriately large font and an exclamation mark. “The Elephant… MURDERS!” “The Pink Doily of DEATH!” Et cetera.

5.) Psuedo-realistic sound effects were not invented until 1971.

ME: So, did you look at the clinical and intensive options for next year?
ANDREW (ANOTHER LAW STUDENT): Yeah. I’m liking the intensive research one.
ME: I missed that one.
ANDREW: It’s where you team up with three or four other students and you do legal research for an NGO. You know, Amnesty International or Greenpeace or that sort of thing.
ME: Sounds cool.
ANDREW: Yeah.
ME: And probably very liberal.
CLAUDIA (ANOTHER LAW STUDENT): And that’s a problem for you how?
ME: Oh, I’m not complaining.
CLAUDIA: Good, because if you wanted to go to a conservative law school, you should have gone to Alberta.
ME: “University Of Alberta Law: Did You Know You Can Drink Crude Oil?”
ANDREW: “University Of Alberta Law: Mussolini Wasn’t That Bad A Guy”
ME: “University of Alberta Law: Producing Future Members Of The Fraser Institute Since 1971”
CLAUDIA: Oh god just stop.
ANDREW: You know, actually, you can ask to set up your own research program if you can find a willing co-sponsor and other students to work with you.
CLAUDIA: So the Fraser Institute could underwrite my legal education after all!
ME: Well, they’re conservatives. They probably do spring out for more than the lefties do.
(A pause.)
CLAUDIA: You’re trying to figure out how often they’d buy lunch for you, aren’t you.
ME: Don’t knock free lunches, woman.
ANDREW: Free lunches are the fuel that drives poor law students.
CLAUDIA: I’m not arguing against free lunches, but don’t you care who offers the free lunch?
ME: Are you looking for an answer other than “no?” Because you’re not going to get one.
ANDREW: If the Fraser Institute shows up tomorrow and offers free lunch while telling us about the evils of public health care, I am there.
ME: Hell with the Fraser Institute. The Future Fascists of Tomorrow could show up the next day and offer a free lunch along with a lecture by Ernst Zundel and I’d go.
CLAUDIA: Oh, god.
ME: “This is the best sauerkraut ever!“

Way back in the day, there was American Seeds.

And now…

Click on image to enlarge

Wikigroaning (whih-kee-grow-ning): A game where players attempt to find two vaguely related Wikipedia pages, the first being something real people might actually wish to research, and the second being an entry that absolutely nobody really needs to know. A Wikigroan is of extreme quality when the second entry is much longer and more detailed than the first: e.g., Sgt. York versus G.I Joe.

Some of mine:

Birds of prey v. Birds of Prey

Kublai Khan v. Khan Noonien Singh

Urban decay v. Grand Theft Auto III

Clay v. Clay Aiken

Richard D. Winters v. Sgt. Rock

Kitten v. KITT

Julius and Ethel Rosenberg v. From Russia With Love

Python (the snake) v. Python (the made-for-TV horror movie)

Aristocracy v. Sir William Regal

Paris, Texas v. Paris Hilton

Okay, those are mine. Let’s see what you people come up with.

(Hat tip to Leonard Pierce for the example Wikigroan.)

This is probably going to be the last one of these I have time to do for a while; law school is already starting to ramp back up the intensity metre.

But I’m rather happy with it, and if “One More Day” was just too static and boring to mock, at least “Brand New Day” isn’t, despite thus far having a near-total lack of Peter Parker actually being Spider-Man, and despite Steve McNiven apparent belief that Peter really, really likes running his hands through his hair. (I don’t know what it is about Steve McNiven’s art that prompts me to do these things.)

Not included: the three pages introducing Mister Negative, both because I felt they impeded the remixed narrative and because I don’t want to condemn the creation of potentially interesting new villains.

continue reading "It Was Either This Or Interpretive Dance"

NAME Stealth
FAVORITE MOVE The quick counter-attack you never see coming
SLIGHTLY LESS FAVOURITE MOVE The slow counter-attack you totally see coming
FAVOURITE COLOUR Puce
HOW DID STEALTH BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, snapped and killed three opposing cheerleaders during tense playoff game; NBC, airing the game, thought she had “potential” and convinced families to drop charges

NAME Mayhem
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS Subfaction of Rastafarianism: “We smoke crystal meth for our rituals rather than pot. Keeps you active, you know what I’m – AGGGH GET THE SPIDERS OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME GET THEM OFF ME”
STEROIDS? No comment
FAVORITE EVENT Pyramid: “It represents Jah’s will for humanity to reach its own pinnacle, and AHHHH THE SPIDERS ARE BAAAAAACK AGH AGH AGH”
HOW DID MAYHEM BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Mayhem is the illegitimate son of famous contestant Wesley “Two Scoops” Berry, and from the age of six was determined to become an American Gladiator

NAME Venom
ACTUALLY POISONOUS? “No, and if that bitch Stealth said anything, you tell her I said she was a lesbo.”
FAVORITE EVENT “Whichever is the one where I have the gun and shoot people and don’t have to run around. It has a name, right?”
TEN-YEAR PLAN Rise to fame and fortune through American Gladiating while obtaining law degree, run for public office, pass environmental reform laws, marry, have three adorable children
HOW DID VENOM BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Father is executive director of NBC’s sports division

NAME Titan
FAVOURITE EVENT “Any time I can brutally injure an opponent, then celebrate his hardiness as he’s taken out on a stretcher and get the fans to cheer him? That’ll do. Doesn’t matter what event it is. It’s about the little things, you know?”
REJECTED GLADIATOR NAMES Supreme, Pride, Overman, Hitler
SECRET AMBITION A wild threeway with Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali
HOW DID TITAN BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Gladiated part-time at the amateur level in Japan for three years while working way through cooking school; turned pro this year when “discovered” by a NBC executive on a sushi tour

NAME Crush
PRIMARY INGREDIENT OF ALL CRUSH’S MAKEUP The blood of her enemies
PET PEEVE “Look, a sign saying “I have a crush on Crush,” that’s fine, I don’t have a problem with that. But I’m really sick of the guys bringing the signs that say “I want to assfuck Crush.” What the hell.”
HOURS SPENT TRAINING EVERY DAY More than you, probably
HOW DID CRUSH BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Majored in physical education at Wesleyan, wrote master’s thesis on the “Bronco gambit,” named after that American Gladiator’s unique Hang Tough strategem; passed up tenure in order to compete on show

NAME Justice
VIGILANTE BY NIGHT? Yes Definitely not
FITNESS TIP “Don’t be a disgusting fatty. Nobody will ever love you.”
HAIR NATURALLY POINTY? Yes
HOW DID JUSTICE BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Answered want-ad in the back of Gladius magazine

NAME Hellga
NAMES OF OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS Father Thaddieus; sister Clawdia; brother Mark (middle name: Fordeath), cousin-by-marriage Frank
BACKGROUND “Mutter not happy mit Hellga ven I beating up all children at school; Poppa train me, let me wrestle bears, ja? Is gut! Hellga liking zer bears!”
REASON HAIR NOT IN PIGTAILS She strangled an assistant director with them during the initial pilot shoot
HOW DID HELLGA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? With a name like “Hellga,” how could she not become an American Gladiator, is the question

NAME Toa
ASPIRATION BEFORE BECOMING AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR Wanted to be a Bionicle
NUMBER OF TIMES HAS WATCHED THE MUMMY: 2,741
BLOOD OF ANCESTORS FLOWING THROUGH VEINS? Yes; also, steroids
HOW DID TOA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Was poised to become a professional wrestler, but before signing contract with WWE, opted for career with slightly more dignity

NAME Fury
FAVORITE EVENT “Atlasphere, the one where you’re inside the giant hamster balls, and – what do you mean “that’s not on the show this year?” Oh, fucking…”
ATTITUDE Surprisingly calm and relaxed
FAVORITE MEAL A balanced selection of greens, fruit juice, and a mammoth rib-eye steak
HOW DID FURY BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Gladiated in high school in rural Ohio, got college scholarship, but blew out knee in first year; went into physical therapy and fought way back to semi-professional status, and was picked up by the show as a replacement for Slice when latter “fell prey to exhaustion”

NAME Militia
FULL NAME Thurgood Militia Franklin III
REJECTED TAGLINES FOR MILITIA PRIOR TO SETTLING ON “WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW” “He’ll violently overthrow… you!“; “Protecting your Constitutional rights… whether you want him to or not!”; “Watch out, Oklahoma City!”
SECRET FEAR People making fun of his sash
HOW DID MILITIA BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Called up from the cast of Belgian Gladiators

NAME Siren
FAVORITE TYPE OF JUICE Orange
THE SIRENS OF ANCIENT GREEK MYTH LED SAILORS TO THEIR DOOM ON THE ROCKS THROUGH HYPNOTIC SONG. WILL SIREN DO THAT ON THE SHOW? “Uh… sure.”
HOBBIES Macrame, collects paintings of fuzzy kittens
HOW DID SIREN BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Played college Powerball for three years and was prepared to jump to the WPBA, but that league folded just before her draft season; cross-trained to become proficient in all gladiating activities and switched career tracks

NAME Wolf
INTERESTS “Chicks, chicks, chicks, and booze”
PROFESSIONAL GOALS To extend trademark “wolf howl” to six syllables in length
STEROIDS? “I will inject absolutely anything into my veins. An-y-thing.”
HOW DID WOLF BECOME AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR? Awoke in NBC Studios back alley, hung over and naked; found outfit, put it on, and “you know what they say… sometimes you find the job, sometimes the job finds you.”

Countdown: Arena manages to quite possibly be the silliest and most pointless tie-in to Countdown yet, which in and of itself is impressive. Given that the plot essentially boils down to “hey, remember when you were a kid and you made your action figures fight each other? It’s like that!”, parodying it was a tough assignment.

But, hey. I’m game.

EDIT TO ADD: Yes, I know the plot is stupid. Again: this is a story where different characters beat each other up for absolutely no worthwhile reason and that’s genuinely the entire story in toto. And I know I didn’t change that much, because I simply couldn’t manage it. It is quite simply the worst comic published in years. (”One More Day” at least had a little style in its execution despite being a piece of shit.) I know some of you are disappointed, but – there’s only so much I can do, because Arena is, simply, what little children think writing comics is like. “And then Batman hits Superman in the face! And then Superman punches him with a garbage truck!” Et cetera.

continue reading "It’s Like You’re Six Years Old Again Except Not As Much Fun"

I know, I know… I’m six.

Sims demanded, and thus do I provide.

DISCLAIMER: I actually liked Sinestro Corps a lot.

David Cross smacks down everybody making fun of him for being in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Some of the choicer bits:

I have not seen the movie so I can’t really comment to whether it’s an “evil” or “dangerous” “piece of shit “or not. The reason I haven’t seen the movie is because I am not eight years old. I am an adult and don’t see children’s movies. I haven’t ever seen “Curious George”, “She’s the Man”, or the “Dr. Doolittle” movies that I worked on for the same reason. I never saw “School for Scoundrels” either but that’s just ’cause it looked like it was gonna suck.

—

They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then they wouldn’t be able to balance out the empty void that Jason Lee brings to the film.

—

I asked the owner if he’d take some of my credibility as payment. He looked at me as if I was an alien with A.I.D.S. speaking some intergalactic gobbledy-goo. I had to patiently explain to this country bumpkin about my indie hipster cred, and I would now like to cash it in. This rural rube was so backwards and ignorant that he couldn’t even conceive of how financial markets work and simple free market capitalism. I tried again to explain the concept of the value of “credibility” and “artistic integrity” but he refused to take it in exchange for the house.

1.) Wolfie’s forehead is frigging enormous. Is he a Klingon? Does the store manager loathe Trekkies? Is this anti-nerd discrimination?

2.) FUN AT HOME PROJECTS: Guess what ethnic group Wolfie is supposed to represent! Pick one of: Jewish, Italian, Hispanic, or “Asian.” Is it not shameful how lazy Wolfie is compared to the heroically Aryan Buzzy? Write an essay about how you wish you were Buzzy. Girls who do not wish to mystify their own genders may instead write an essay about how they wish they could marry Buzzy.

3.) Note that this advertisement was presented by the National Social Welfare Assembly. National Socialism. And you thought I was joking about Buzzy’s heroic Aryan nature!

4.) How much would you hate Buzzy if you had to work with him every day? Be honest. You would hate him a lot, wouldn’t you?

5.) HOMEWORK: If Dwight Schrute got into a knife-fight with Buzzy, who would win? Explain your reasoning.