My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist. But ALSO, I have a point/counterpoint column about the Tamil protests here. And on top of that, my first summer column for thecourt.ca is here, although it’s really just a longer, more serious-sounding rehash of the diversity arguments from last week.

So yesterday there was a very big protest here in Toronto, as Tamil protestors trying to get Canada to intervene in the Sri Lankan Civil War closed down the Gardiner Expressway for about five hours. The protests were certainly illegal in that they obstructed traffic without a permit, but were almost wholly nonviolent. (The police later announced that they arrested three people out of over three thousand.)

The following comments are taken from the CP24, Globe and Mail and National Post coverage.

IF YOU WERE REAL MANLY MEN YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED BEHIND AND GOTTEN SHOT BUT YOU DIDN’T DO THAT SO FUCK YOU

WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE THOSE OTHER BROWN PEOPLE?

MY HAVING TO TAKE LOCAL ROADS IS JUST LIKE WHEN YOU GOT YOUR VILLAGE BOMBED

IT’S ALSO LISTED IN MY HOMEBREW ANNOTATIONS TO THE FOURTH EDITION “IMMIGRANT’S RULEBOOK”

CATS AND DOGS SLEEPING TOGETHER

ALSO BANNED: THE SWASTIKA, THE FASCES, AND THE… THINGY THAT AL-QAEDA USES ON THEIR FLAG, WHATEVER THEY USE

THEY HAD LOTS OF GEARS AND A PLACE TO PUT A WATER BOTTLE SO YOU KNOW THEY MUST HAVE BEEN EXPENSIVE BIKES

THE CANADIAN WAY TO ACCOMPLISH THINGS IS TO WHINE REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT – ER, BUT NOT HOW YOU’RE DOING IT

AND THEN THE OPPRESSED MASSES OF BMW DRIVERS WILL HAVE THEIR REVENGE

NOTHING SAYS “FREE SOCIETY” LIKE RANDOM SPOT CHECKS!

I GOT A SUR-GRIP ™ ON IT AND EVERYTHING

THOSE DARN PROTESTERS ALWAYS DRIVING DOWN PROPERTY VALUES

WHY AREN’T THEY PROTESTING ABOUT HOW THE NEW STAR TREK MOVIE DESTROYS THE VISION OF WHAT TREK IS SUPPOSED TO BE? I COULD GET BEHIND THAT

BROWN PEOPLE ARE LAZY!

SO, SO LAZY!1

AND BY “ENFORCEMENT” I MEAN “POLICE BRUTALITY”

SEE, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE SOME BROWN PEOPLE ARE ALSO ARABS AND ARABS HAVE TOTALLY CRAZY NAMES LIKE KLINGONS OR SOME SHIT2

IF YOU WERE REAL MANLY MEN YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED BEHIND AND GOTTEN SHOT OR MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SHOT IN AFGHANISTAN BUT YOU DIDN’T DO ANY OF THAT SO FUCK YOU

NO I MEAN IT

THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR LETTING PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO PEACEABLY ASSEMBLE, DIPSHITS

SHE DEFINITELY SAW ONE OF THEM WAVING A SIGN AND IT HAD SHARP EDGES AND MAYBE SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN A REALLY NASTY PAPERCUT

AND MY POINT IS THAT… UH… WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO PEACEFULLY PROTEST, I GUESS

IF YOU WERE REAL MANLY MEN YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED BEHIND AND GOTTEN SHOT BUT YOU DIDN’T DO THAT SO FUCK YOU AND ALSO FUCK THE PEOPLE WHO LET YOU INTO MY COUNTRY

NO REALLY I’M TOTALLY NOT SOME WHITE GUY SPOUTING OFF ON THE INTERNET

YOU EXPRESSING YOUR OPINIONS AND BELIEFS MAKES RACISTS MAD AND THAT IS ONYOU, BUDDY

BECAUSE WHEN I THINK “LENGTHY CONFLICT BETWEEN TWO RIVAL FACTIONS ON A SMALL ISLAND OVER THE RIGHT OF GOVERNANCE,” I CERTAINLY DON’T THINK OF THE IRISH

UH, WELL, TECHNICALLY AMERICA IS THE MELTING POT AND CANADA IS THE MOSAIC OF CULTURES, BUT I NEVER READ MY THIRD GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES TEXTBOOK SO NEVER MIND

CANADA IS POWERLESS TO INTERVENE IN INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS… “PEACEKEEPING?” WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

WE TOTALLY KICKED SOME HEY-HOW-ARE-YA HEY-HOW-ARE-YA ASS! GOOOOOO WHITE PEOPLE!

I, TOO, AM UPSET THAT WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING STAR TREK

RACE IS IRRELEVANT SO STOP PRETENDING TO BE WHITE SO I CAN LOUDLY NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT COLOUR YOU ARE

THERE IS TOO MUCH TOERANCE

JUST LIKE THE IRISH!

IF CITIZENS TRY TO INFLUENCE HOW CANADA CONDUCTS ITS RELATIONS, IT MIGHT GET A SOCIAL DISEASE

ALSO THE SHEEPLE REFUSE TO RECOGNIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT WE GET BACK ON THE GOLD STANDARD

ALL THESE BROWN PEOPLE MAKE ME NERVOUS

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN USING CHILDREN TO PROTECT ONESELF FROM BOMBING RUNS, AND BRINGING CHILDREN ALONG TO A RALLY, BECAUSE IN BOTH CASES YOU CAN EXPECT TO HAVE THE AUTHORITIES VICIOUSLY ATTACK YOU. FARTLEBERRY HAS SPOKEN!3

“THEY’RE LIKE CHILDREN! LIKE LITTLE MONKEY CHILDREN!”

I WAS ONLY INTO THIS SCENE BEFORE IT GOT POPULAR ANYWAY; NOW IT’S, LIKE, METALLICA’S “BLACK ALBUM” OR SOMETHING

TAMILS CONTROL THE MEDIA! THE JEWS SOLD THEM THE MEDIA AND NOW THE TAMILS HAVE IT!

(UM, DUDE, MAKING FUN OF YOU PEOPLE USING ALL CAPS IS MY SHTICK, QUIT PRE-EMPTING ME)

YES, WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS FOLLOW THE SANE, SOBER EUROPEAN IMMIGRATION POLICIES THAT HAVE CAUSED SO LITTLE ETHNIC STRIFE AND ABSOLUTELY NO RIOTING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

I JUST WANT TO SEE THEM USE THE WATER CANNONS

I JUST WANT TO SEE THEM USE THE WATER CANNONS WHILE ON HORSEBACK

YOUR OCCUPYING A HIGHWAY ON LATE SUNDAY EVENING AND ACCUMULATING A NUMBER OF MISDEMEANOUR CHARGES OUTRAGES ME BEYOND ALL EXTENT FOR REASON

AND FINALLY…

Top comment: No real Canadians were inconvenienced by these protests, because as everyone knows, REAL Canadians ride their horses everywhere, hitch them up outside their igloos, and go eat their poutine and Timbits in polite silence.

My hat (made of real Canadian beaver fur, from real Canadian beavers) is off to all those brave men and women in their cars on the Gardiner protesting the presence of the Tamil protestors.

I myself plan to immolate myself (or at least develop a very inconveniencing sunburn) in front of the Eaton Centre to protest this protest. — Slab Beefbroth

1. See, what’s ironic is that one of my former roommates is a professional chef. He’s whiter than I am, and he speaks Tamil, because he has to, because Tamils are as to Canada as Ecuadorians, Peruvians, Salvadorans and Cubans are to America – they’re the backbone of restaurant and kitchen staff in every city in the country, because they can cook anything and they don’t mind working the crazy hours. Tamils work ridiculously hard, and not just in the culinary industry where they dominate either. But of course they’re brown people so naturally somehow they must be scamming welfare. [↩]
2. Which – I mean, come on, if there are funnier names in the world than Tamil names, which even they admit are long and elaborate to the point of craziness… [↩]
3. I could have posted dozens more comments like this, and it particularly bothers me that there’s this expectation that brown people should expect to get clubbed down by police for peacefully protesting. [↩]

Ezra Levant on George Galloway’s being barred from entering Canada:

Good friends, and friends of freedom of speech say I’m not being consistent — that I should be for Galloway’s right to be wrong. I am; I don’t think he should be arrested for being a racist, terrorist-loving buffoon. I think he should be arrested for raising money for a criminal terrorist organization. That’s not speech I’m against, that’s fundraising for terrorism I’m against. But that’s not my main point: my main point is that Galloway has no “right” to come to Canada. He’s not Canadian.

I’m all for his free speech — elsewhere.

First off, charges that Galloway has raised money for Hamas are wildly overblown. His participation in/organization of the Viva Palestina aid convoy only qualifies as “aid to Hamas” on the grounds that Hamas is the elected government of the Palestinian people, and thus any aid to Palestinians (the vast majority of whom only manage to survive now thanks to various international aid programs and food donations) has to go through Hamas.

(This would be one of the many reasons that the quasi-official nature of Palestinian governance is a neverending bugbear from an international law standpoint: if Hamas is the legitimately elected government of Palestine then without an official declaration of hostilities Canada can’t actually do anything (because you can’t really say that an entire other country is a criminal organization without completely debasing the term), but if Hamas isn’t a legitimately elected government then Canada is ignoring gross human rights violations on the part of Israel that it has sworn to uphold and is thus violating its own treaty obligations. Many other First World countries have this same thorny issue, which is why none of them ever really officially decides what Hamas actually is.)

Of course, that aid also has to go through Israel, but apparently the fact that the Israelis let the entire convoy through – except for a fire engine and boat which the Egyptian government pre-emptively disallowed, and if anybody can explain why a fire engine would be dangerous please let me know – would imply that they didn’t think Galloway’s “fundraising” was dangerous to the state of Israel. Considering that the aid consisted entirely of humanitarian materiels (food, blankets, toys for kiddies, et cetera), it’s not surprising that the Israelis would let it through. Then again, until the Americans complained, the Israelis weren’t letting dried pasta into Gaza. So who knows.

Oh, and as much as Bernie Faber of the Jewish Defense League might claim otherwise, Galloway wasn’t “smuggling” goods to Hamas. Smuggling traditionally does not involve the type of political grandstanding for which Galloway is known. Because that’s not smuggling. Galloway has never been caught committing any sort of crime, and this is because Galloway knows exactly where the line he can’t cross is. One might, if one was so inclined, draw parallels to religious bigots who have a good grasp of the boundaries of criminal hate speech laws and who metaphorically are all too willing to walk right up to that boundary and wiggle their ass at it.

But none of this is the real issue. The real issue is that Levant’s suggestion that this is an immigration or administrative problem is the worst kind of semantics. It’s semantics because this is entirely about the Conservative government choosing to abridge Galloway’s ability to speak in Canada, using a cheap excuse to do so.

Consider the staggering incongruity of Immigration Minister Jason Kenney in complaining that Galloway supports a terrorist organization when Kenney himself attended a rally of the People’s Mujahedin of Iran in 2006, less than a year after the Canadian government declared it to be a terrorist group and a declaration which was upheld by the current Conservative government as recently as this past November. (In fairness, once people found out about Kenney’s attendance, he first claimed that he hadn’t attended the rally, and then when pictures showed up of him at the rally, claimed he hadn’t known it was the PMOI holding the rally and that he had been tricked. Given that Jason Kenney is a very, very stupid man, this is actually slightly plausible. But only slightly.) Given this context, you might think that Kenney’s judgement of Galloway’s potential security risk is suspect, but apparently Ezra Levant trusts him.

Levant’s argument is that Galloway’s supposed criminal acts (for which he has never been tried, because no judge would ever convict him, because as much as certain parties might wish otherwise delivering food and medicine to Palestinians is not yet a crime in Britain or Canada) are good reason to prevent him from speaking in Canada. That’s his position. He can say “no, I think it’s a good reason to bar him from entering Canada and thus as a consequence he can’t speak,” but when Galloway’s entire purpose for visiting Canada is to speak then the two are obviously conflated and pretending otherwise is, as stated, nothing more than semantics.

It’s just the sort of useful semantics that lets Ezra Levant pretend he isn’t an enormous hypocrite, that restricting George Galloway’s ability to speak isn’t restraining free speech because he can describe it a different way thanks to the technicalities of Canada’s constitution. But of course he is being enormously hypocritical, because freedom of expression isn’t derived from the concept that it’s something that just sort of belongs in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, but from the idea that speech has intrinsic value in and of itself. Levant has spent the better part of the last few years passionately arguing the latter point; now that it’s become inconvenient for him to do so, he has cheerfully abandoned it.

Which doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.

Bob Rae to Stephen Harper.

So I’ve gotten a bit of mail about CUPE Ontario’s decision to recommend a “ban” on Israeli academics in Canadian universities, most likely because I’m currently attending Osgoode Hall Law School, which is at York, which is the subject of a prolonged strike on the part of CUPE.

And… well, what is there to say, really? Other than that CUPE remains seemingly determined to be the stupidest, most offensive cariacature of a union possible. Really, demanding that Israelis apologize for what’s happening in Gaza right now – I don’t see how that’s any different from going up to a Muslim and demanding that they apologize for (9/11 / terrorism / oil prices / et cetera). It’s the practice of applying collective guilt to a populace, which is both morally bankrupt and completely stupid at the same time, not to mentional fundamentally irresponsible.

It’s yet another laughable attempt at public relevance from the gang that couldn’t shoot straight. Fuck them.

I have a friend at law school named Jack (pseudonym of my own choice). Jack is intelligent, works hard, and clearly already has a disgustingly impressive career ahead of him. Jack is also a Tory (he’s worked for the Minister of Justice), and we like to argue politics all the time because arguing politics with a friend who disagrees with you in good faith on serious issues (in our case, mostly philosophical differences over taxation and the size and appropriate power level of government) is something that just makes you sharper for arguing your own case, as well as forcing you to think hard about your own positions in the process.

Last Monday, I got to come into class and watch him be annoyed with Stephen Harper for overreaching. This Monday, he got to come into class and watch me be annoyed with the Liberal party in general, and it’s for the same reason I always get annoyed with the Liberal party. As Jack said to me, “how can you support, even slightly, a party that’s only interested in power?”

And of course anybody worth supporting in the Liberals – Stephane Dion, Gerard Kennedy, Ken Dryden, Garth Turner, Justin Trudeau, Martha Hall Findlay, et cetera – isn’t just interested in power. The problem for the Liberals is that people of this stripe are perceived to be a minority. And the reason that people think serious, dedicated public servants are a minority in the Liberal ranks is because they are a minority in the Liberal ranks.

The coalition debacle – and make no mistake, at this point it’s a debacle – is simply one case in point. It’s been less than two weeks since the coalition agreement was announced. Since then, half a dozen Liberals have publicly stated they’re against the coalition, including that useless limpdick Michael Ignatieff. Guess what, assholes: the moment to say you were against the coalition? Was before you stopped thinking it might work. Don’t try to convince anybody that you were taking time to deliberate about whether or not it was the right thing to do; we all know you were just waiting to figure out whether or not the public liked the idea.

The sad thing is that the public could have been convinced to support the idea, if the Liberal Party had had the balls it never ever seems to fucking need. “This is a perfectly normal procedure in Canada’s Parliamentary system; we’ve just never had occasion to use it.” “Germany has coalition governments all the time and their government works just fine.” “We represent sixty-two percent of the popular vote in Canada; last I checked, that was a majority.” “Stephen Harper was trying to get a coalition government formed in 2004 and he didn’t seem to think it was such a horrible idea then.” The Tory arguments against a coalition government were so hypocritical and base and just plain stupid that it should have been easy: just get everybody you can to a podium somewhere and let them take turns making the Tories look like asshats.

Except that didn’t happen, did it? It didn’t happen because the Grits didn’t want to get on board and risk their asses, precisely because most of them never want to risk their asses. It didn’t happen for the same reason Stephane Dion’s leadership collapsed: precious few in the party were willing to step up and go to bat for the team, not when it would get in the way of their own political futures. (The idea that stepping up and fighting on principle can create a political future is foreign to these idiots, I swear.)

It’s a party full of Liebermans, a collection of spineless twats with beliefs so vaguely defined that they can mean anything and be anything except something. People have blamed Stephane Dion’s image for being the reason why the Conservatives came out ahead in the last election, but that’s not it at all – when people saw Dion in the debates, they liked him more. The problem with the Liberal Party is that people think they’re weasels, and they know that the Tories stand for something. They might not agree with the Tories on most things, but at least, they figure, the Tories are neutered by Canada’s general political beliefs. (Whether or not this would be the case in the instance of a Tory majority government is up for debate.)

In the choice between “fuck you” and “eh,” people will choose “fuck you” more often than “eh.” That the Liberals still don’t get this is one of the reasons their party is gradually dying.

Graeme (who is worthy of a vote for Best Non-Partisan Blog, incidentally) is somewhat wrong here:

As Adam Daifallah, one of Canada’s more thoughtful conservative commentators, points out, a coalition government would short-circuit the Liberal Party’s “wilderness years”, a time of rebuilding and reflection it sorely needs in the wake of scandal and defeat. The Progressive Conservatives went through a similar process post-1993, and it worked wonders for their electability. Wilderness years are important to the Liberals, because Canada needs a solid Liberal Party. It’s political mutability makes it a party of the center, which is the only logical position from which to govern a modern, cosmopolitan state.

The Progressive Conservatives did not regenerate their electability. The Progressive Conservatives had “wilderness years” followed by slow and steady extinction. The 1993 election, along with the formation of the Reform Party and the Bloc Quebecois, killed the party and left a small electoral rump that didn’t quite realize it was dead yet, not until Peter Mackay shot it in the head in 2003 and gave the newly-birthed and much further-right Conservative party a touch of centrist respectability.

Moreover, the problem that the Liberals have isn’t a lack of ability to govern well or a lack of ability to attract voters (despite the recent electoral drubbing). The problem that the Liberals have is that the Conservatives were ready to trick out the new system of party funding before they were, and the Tories pushed that advantage as far as it could go. Worse, the Tories are willing to essentially cheat by running negative advertising well in advance of an election, the calling of which remains in their hands for as long as they’re in power. If there was no move for a coalition and Bob Rae or Michael Ignatieff or Steve Furtzwinkel became the Liberal Party leader next week, one week later you’d start seeing Tory ads on the airwaves. “Steve Furtzwinkel: Not A Leader. Not Someone We Can Trust.” And then, come the election, the best-case scenario is that people aren’t sure about Furtzwinkel’s ability to lead, and the worst-case is that they’re sure he isn’t ready.

Do not doubt for a second that the Tories – and Stephen Harper in particular – lack an understanding of the power of political narrative. Harper’s entire governing style is geared towards this method while he has a minority: govern relatively divisively and use it to your advantage, by forcing the Liberals and others to either vote against the ridiculous proposals (and then call an election, which Canadians at this point loathe) or suck it up and vote against them (and then be labeled divisive and partisan and “not willing to make minority government work”).

That kind of institutional abuse of power is difficult to defeat, so I fully understand why the left-wing parties have decided to not play Harper’s game, where their choice is always lose or lose.

This Globe and Mail column is correct in that the Liberals, NDP and Bloc have an important job in front of them that they cannot, for the sake of the country, fuck up, but it actually manages to understate the importance of the task for progressive politics as a whole.

Simply put: discrediting Stephen Harper as a leader will shred Conservative politics for years.

The interesting thing about Stephen Harper is that he is more popular than his party is (this, despite general public acceptance of the belief that Harper is a cold fish – he is regarded as a competent technocrat). The last election was largely about transferring Harper’s personal popularity to the party as a whole, but the lack of ability to attain a Tory majority can be seen as evidence that it didn’t really work.

The problem for the Tories is that beyond Stephen Harper, they really have nobody ready to lead the party.

Peter Mackay is the obvious next-in-line, but Mackay suffers from being a gormless twat whom nobody really likes; moderates don’t like him because they think1 that he sold the Progressive Conservatives out to the crazy Reform gang, and right-wingers don’t like him because they think2 that he’s a weaselly moderate. Mackay also had the bad luck to be involved in that patently stupid “calling Belinda Stronach names” mini-scandallette which didn’t really piss anybody off, but didn’t impress anybody either. Finally, Peter Mackay looks like a boring accountant. He is the definition of “inessential person.”

Jim Flaherty is the Minister of Finance and in Canadian politics, traditionally that role goes to someone who is known for being really smart and able to make tough decisions. Flaherty is both of these things, and also a folksy public speaker (never to be underestimated). However, he is also very conservative in his fiscal policies, and since the election has been embarrassed by his blatant campaign lies about how Canada wouldn’t have to run a budget deficit anytime soon. More importantly, if Harper gets ousted, it’s going to be because of Tory policies regarding the worldwide economic meltdown being the exact opposite of what every other country on the planet is doing (namely, massive public works infrastructure investment as a vehicle for economic revitalization). Flaherty is exactly responsible for that. If Harper goes, Flaherty’s political career is dead in the water.

Stockwell Day is a former Tory leader and well-liked by social conservatives, but he is a national joke because he is well-liked by social conservatives (we’re a rather liberal country, remember) and also because he is frankly a bit of a dipshit. Well, okay, actually he’s a lot of a dipshit. Three-quarters dipshit. Primarily dipshit. He is a Dipshit-Canadian.

And those three are the good options. Looking down into the ranks?

Chuck Strahl is a well-liked moderate, but he doesn’t speak French well and there’s that whole “I have incurable lung cancer” thing. Rob Nicholson has the right politics to succeed in the party and out of it, but he’s never had a really high-profile government position until his recent tenure as Justice Minister, and Justice Minister isn’t even in the top five most important jobs in Cabinet. Jean-Pierre Blackburn is smart but a political nonentity. Rona Ambrose isn’t ready yet and even if she were she’s too young3; Christian Paradis has the same problem but even worse. Jim Prentice is a shitty liar4, his tenure as Minister of Industry was a bad joke, and his firm opposition to same-sex marriage bans earned him the enmity of the social-con wing of the party. John “Mister Shouty” Baird is a blowhard and has a track record of looking stupid in public. Gordon O’Connor’s career is tied to the war in Afghanistan, and even those Canadians who support the war in Afghanistan on grounds of responsibility don’t actually like it. Tony Clement was lucky not to get turfed in the last election. Jason Kenney is intemperate and not that bright. Vic Toews is a deeply horrible man.5

About the only name I can come up with who isn’t a placeholder/rebuilding era candidate is Lawrence Cannon, the current Minister of Foreign Affairs. And I don’t know if he’s up to the job, or even wants it. (Seriously, you have to be kind of crazy to want to run Canada. We’re a freakishly neurotic country, you know.)

And that’s the problem for the Tories; their bench isn’t deep. Taking out Harper as a credible leader of the party (and causing him to lose the party will almost certainly do that) means the Tories have to rely on said bench. Good luck with that, guys.

Contrast to the Liberals, who have a heap of fresh leadership candidates who are both relatively young (but not too young) and ready for the job and capable of running a strong campaign. Of course, the Liberals’ problem is that all of those candidates have to get past Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae, which is depressing when you think about it.

1. Correctly. [↩]
2. Also correctly. [↩]
3. 39 is too young to be a national leader. Sorry, but it’s true. You ideally want your national leaders to be past the potential midlife crisis stage. [↩]
4. Never underestimate the importance of being a good liar in political life. Yes, that goes for the “good guys” as well. [↩]
5. Also, he looks eerily like Jack Layton. [↩]

If this actually happens, it is just more proof for my theory that most Canadians only feel comfortable when they are slightly to the left of most Americans.

Also, it turns out that trying to end public electoral financing and taking away peoples’ right to strike? Not a good idea!

Matthew Yglesias is right to point out that bailing out car companies when they are making a product that at present is fundamentally unsuited to future profit generation is stupid, but he and his commenters largely place the blame on GM’s corporate culture. Let’s be honest here: speaking as a lefty (and a strongly pro-labour lefty at that), the unions own this idiotic idea just as strongly as management does.

As an Ontarian, I am deeply, deeply familiar with CAW president Buzz Hargrove’s seemingly inexhaustible ability to spew stupid bullshit, but Hargrove’s bullshit is not only stupid but short-sighted: every solution he has boils down to “the government should give auto workers money,” and he’s happy with that strategy regardless of whether that money goes directly to auto workers or to auto companies who will trickle it down to said auto workers. It’s almost like the right wing decided they needed the most stereotypical left-wing labour boss they could imagine, then went to a lab and had Buzz Hargrove grown in a tube.

Of course, the Ontario government particularly shouldn’t give auto companies money to maintain their operations in Ontario, because there is simply not enough money in the coffers to do that successfully, because people are buying less cars. They are especially buying less of the shitty gas guzzlers that for years have been the mainstay of Ontario’s auto production (the list of GM and Ford cars manufactured in Ontario reads like a Consumer’s Digest warning list). Consumer advocates have been saying for years that Ontario manufacturing needed to diversify before things got bad, but Buzz Hargrove wasn’t interested in that because skilled manufacturers might not necessarily be interested in joining the CAW if they weren’t making cars.

Now, things are bad, and it’s going to take a massive effort to turn Ontario’s economy around, and government investment will be vitally necessary to do it. But giving money to car companies, especially in Ontario’s case, is just a bad idea.

LOSER: Stephane Dion. Not that this surprises anybody, what with the media having been in whatever the opposite of the tank is as regards Dion, but even so – a horrendous drubbing. The worst Liberal seat count in pretty much the history of Canada, percentage-speaking, and it’s mostly down to public perception of Dion as unable to lead, a perception aided and abetted by every Liberal who thought he or she should be the party leader instead (which was all of them). He deserved better, but politics is very rarely about “deserved,” and that’s how the cookie crumbles.

LOSER: Stephen Harper. Be not fooled by his “victory” tonight. A victory, for Harper’s Tories, was a majority, pure and simple. Times will get worse, economically speaking, very soon now – not as bad as in other countries, but bad enough. Harper’s policies are short-term winners, long-term losers, and the short term is now mostly over, and in a few months one of his biggest remaining advantages – a political friendship with the President of the United States – will be entirely gone. True, Harper will always have the benefit of running the sole right-wing party versus four left-wing parties – but were I the NDP, I would make it a primary cause to introduce ranked-voting bills into legislation, and let the Tories explain why it’s a bad idea. Stephen Harper needed a full term. He did not get it.

WINNER: Jack Layton. Layton, more than any other political leader this election, figured out how to play the game; with only a .5 percent increase in the popular vote he picked up eight seats, a very impressive display of successful electoral strategy. I’m not exactly sure what Layton’s plan is, but I’m pretty sure he has one. This puts him a leg up on a good chunk of the Canadian political establishment, who tend to wing it.

WINNER: Gilles Duceppe. The Bloc Quebecois did not fade away, as some might hope; they remained exactly as strong as they were. Partly this was because Stephen Harper criticized arts funding, which is like taking license to throw away votes in Quebec, and every single vote went to the Bloc. Partly it was because Duceppe knows how to work Quebec politics. Partly it’s because Quebec nationalists still vote and they’re not voting anything other than Bloc.

LOSER: Elizabeth May. It’s over: the Green Party dream is over, folks, and it is time to wake up and realize that the party is going nowhere. This time around the Greens had a high profile leader, full participation in the debates, a leader running in a riding with no Liberal candidate, and a Member of Parliament running on the other side of the country (albeit one who crossed the floor to join the Greens). If ever there was a scenario where the Green Party might pick up seats in Parliament, this was it, and they didn’t even come close. They didn’t even break the mythic ten percent popular vote threshold. Find another party, Greens, and work the system from within. This election has made it clear; you are wasting your time with the Green Party.

LOSER: The Canadian electorate. Largely uninterested in the election (barely fifty percent voter participation), largely unimpressed with their options, not really in the mood for their third federal election in slightly less than four years, and more disengaged from the process than ever before. There is possibly a way to reverse this trend. I am not sure exactly what, though.

WINNER: Any American reader of this blog who doesn’t know dog about Canadian politics and who does not care.

Along with other devout members of the Torontoist crew, I’m liveblogging the Canadian federal election results tonight over here.

The Canadian leaders’ debate! Electric! (Well, no.) Exciting! (Probably not.) Substantive! (Actually, there is a reasonable chance of this last one, due to Canadians having a low tolerance for electing intolerant fundamentalist Muppets to office.)

Minute one: Your contestants are Stephen “please give me a majority” Harper, Stephane “please don’t give him a majority” Dion, Jack “I will laughingly pretend I have a shot at a majority” Layton, Gilles “the French language debate already happened so I can totally fuck with everybody and it won’t matter” Duceppe, and Elizabeth “it’s an honor just to get to debate” May. They are sitting at a “roundish” table, so described by Peter Mansbridge, so it is officially “roundish.” Canada: the country where approximating language is not only traditional but mandated.

Minute two: Steve Paikin of TVO is your moderator, and then we can go back to not bothering to pretend to care about TVO.

Minute three: Vince from Alberta wants to know: how are you going to protect the economy? May: national investment, keep Canadian companies Canadian, et cetera. Dion: da Libruls have da official plan what I release yestaday dat will keep da Canadian economy afloat and protect your savings and your pension-es. Harper: Don’t panic. Dion, you panicked. You’re a pussy and your platform sucks. Layton: Effective regulations of the financial sector ASAP, national investment in real Canadians (rather than fake ones). Duceppe: Stephen Harper is like George Bush. (Stephen Harper gives Duceppe his dead-eyed death-stare, or, as we call it here in Canada, “his normal face.”)

Minute seven: Open discussion period of the question. Dion is offended by Harper claiming it’s a “panic.” Harper smirks. Harper points out that Canadian fiscal and financial policy are different from America’s, and that the government is running a surplus, not a deficit. (Well, for now we are.) May complains that Harper asked for additional debate time on the economy and that all Harper’s done is say “nothing’s wrong,” then boosts a carbon tax. Layton attacks Harper on corporate tax cuts, then says Harper is out of touch, and concludes with “either you don’t care, or you’re incompetent.” (Ah, Canadian politics, where being polite is for pussies.) Harper counters that of their last tax cut package, three-quarters went to families, and then says families aren’t worried about taxes, but about their investments. Duceppe busts in that Canada needs tax credits for research and development very badly. Dion comes back pointing out that the Harper government has overseen a productivity drop, a drop in economic growth, and then mocks Jim Flaherty for saying “don’t invest in Ontario” on the basis that that was retarded.

Harper argues that net job creation is up and that raising taxes is a bad idea. May says Harper is out of touch for saying that people aren’t worried about losing their homes, then attacks Harper’s tax package for not cutting income taxes. Layton calls Harper “cold and callous” and then points out that Canadian manufacturing is collapsing. Stephen Harper stares daggers at him and his smirk vanishes. Harper continues to plead that at least we don’t have a subprime mortgage meltdown. Dion points out that Paul Martin and Jean Chretien are directly responsible for the regulations on Canadian banks which largely kept them from doing what has fucked half of the banks in the world (which is mostly true). Duceppe mispronounces “sustainable development” and then says that Harper’s Tories are being irresponsible for not adhering to the Kyoto Protocol and creating the next-gen green economy Canada needs. Harper brags about tax-free savings accounts, which are nothing but tiny sops that benefit rich people more than poor.

May points out that unemployment insurance is disappearing, and that the new jobs Harper’s creating are mostly shitty service-sector jobs, and cites the OECD report on Canada’s economy. Layton says May is right, then adds that Canadian families are working 190 hours per month more than they used to “just to make ends meet.” Duceppe points out that income tax reductions for manufacturing companies are useless when said companies are losing money, and demands, yes, DEMANDS reimbursable tax credits. Harper talks about where he’s directed the government to invest money. Dion argues for centrism, IE, the Liberal party, which will “invest in the infrastructure” while remaining fiscally solvent. Layton complains that Dion wants to have corporate tax cuts and that Dion kept Harper in power for way too long, then says that corporate tax cuts cannot be the lynchpin of a new fiscal strategy. Dion responds that the Liberal Green Shift plan is mathematically sound and has a three billion dollar “buffer,” which is who the fuck knows what, really.

Minute twenty-two: Steve Paikin: are the manufacturing jobs we’ve lost gone forever? Harper: they are, but we can replace them with new, emerging manufacturing jobs, and we can’t guarantee that certain jobs will remain forever. Duceppe asks yet again why emergent manufacturing jobs aren’t getting reimbursable tax credits to help them out in the beginning. May: we need jobs all across the country, and not just in Alberta and Saskatchewan excavating the tar sands. Coast Guard vessels should be manufactured in Canada. Layton: we shouldn’t be sending off raw timber to other countries – we can make stuff with wood right here. We should have been making green cars but Harper (and Paul Martin before him) didn’t invest in the sector. Harper’s corporate tax cuts benefit banks and oil companies. Dion says the manufacturing sector is vitally important to maintain Canada’s economy in the longterm and not to rely on resource exploitation, then attacks Jim Flaherty again.

Harper again says that Canada is not in the same situation as the United States and that the Tories are investing in important national industries. Paikin jumps in and asks Harper if his policies are working. Harper says there is a slowdown, but it’s not a recession. Duceppe jokes that the only party promoting a “Buy Canadian” act for government is the Bloc Quebecois, which is indeed amusing. Jack Layton says that’s a good idea and the New Democrats support it, then complains about bad trade deals which are eroding manufacturing jobs and that the Tories don’t have a good replacement strategy. May also supports the Buy Canadian policy for the government and attacks Harper for a “profound structural shift” about which she does not elaborate upon.

Dion says something about investment and energy efficiency which is mostly meaningless. Harper tries to say something and everybody jumps down his throat. (American readers may be wondering where all the jokes are, but jeez is it hard to make jokes with a high degree of substantive discussion.) Layton complains that the Tories haven’t presented an economic plan yet at all, and cracks that Harper must be hiding it under his sweater. Steve Paikin asks if people are willing to go into deficit to stimulate the economy in case of a recession. Harper: won’t be necessary. May: hopes not, and Harper, you’re an asshole. Dion: something something something pollution tax. Layton: the NDP balances budgets better than anybody else, just ask the Department of Finance. Duceppe: like it matters what I say, I’ll never be in charge of the country anyway.

Minute thirty-three: Manfred from Toronto: how do you reconcile environmental protection with economic growth? Dion: fossil fuels are just going to get more expensive, so the Liberals plan to shift taxation to fossil fuels and pollution to create instant market incentives to be clean and green, and if you’re clean you save money. Harper: it’s a tax increase, and you have to be honest and admit that environmental improvements will cost money, and our emissions plan is better than other parties’ plans. Layton: the Tories aren’t going to do shit and Harper is full of crap about his plan, and we need strict emissions limits, the government revenues from which need to reinvested in green economic initiatives. Duceppe: apply Kyoto, have absolute targets rather than “intensity” targets like the Tories have, which allow one to declare success while still increasing overall emissions, and the tar sands have to pay up. May: the climate crisis represents the single biggest economic opportunity in history, and it’s stupid to pretend that polluting is free, because it isn’t.

Open discussion! Paikin asks Harper about the tax cuts in the Liberal plan. Harper says the carbon taxes are twice as much as the income tax reductions. Dion flat-out calls him a liar, and says that countries which have adopted carbon taxes do better than those without. May agrees with the idea of carbon taxation and says her plan is more ambitious than Dion’s, which means nobody will vote for it. Duceppe says – fuck, do I really have to keep pretending that Duceppe is anything other than a generator of “gotcha” questions in the English language debate? Although it is amusing hearing him totally mangle the words “sustainable development.”

Harper blathers about hard targets and soft targets for carbon emissions, full of sound and fury, signifiying nothing. Well, not so much “fury.” Layton, on the other hand, has lots of fury, and again links Harper to George W. Bush, then mocks him for intensity-based targets, explaining why the concept is bullshit. Dion emphasizes how important the climate change crisis is, and states firmly that if the changes have to be made immediately to maximize economic benefit. Harper responds by saying the Tories have a plan for the tar sands. May attacks Harper for ignoring Kyoto, and the Tories in general for being useless at the Bali conference, then points out that municipalities and provinces are trying to have climate strategies without the federal government because Harper is a limpdick. Duceppe explains in funny broken Franglais why intensity targets are crap, May nodding emphatically all the while. Layton’s moustache quivers with indignity! Dion talks more about how the Green Shift drops taxes for poorer Canadians. Harper responds by talking about how he’s protecting land near cities and have expanded the parks system. PARKS! May outright calls him a fraud.

Minute forty-seven: Candace from Montreal wants to know about healthcare, and how will these people alleviate the doctor shortage in Canada?

Layton: the NDP will increase by 50% the number of doctors training in Canada, and will forgive their student debts if they commit to ten years in family medicine, unlike the Tories, who gave out a corporate tax cut and told the provinces to go pound sand. Duceppe: it’s a provincial responsibility, but the feds can’t help sticking their nose in where it doesn’t belong, and also Aboriginal health conditions are a joke. May: budget-cutting in the 90s hurt the healthcare system in the long run, and only additional reinvestment can handle the issue. Dion: it’s even more important because a lot of our doctoral population is aging, and the feds have to take action to make sure we can handle this, presumably by chaining them to their offices. Harper: May is right! the Liberals cut your healthcare funding! It was all their fault! We’ve been working with the provinces! And so forth.

ROUNDISH TABLE TIME! Layton points out the Tories were asking for more cuts when the Liberals were cutting, and that Harper himself led a citizens’ group that wanted to privatize healthcare, and the NDP is for public healthcare and Tommy Douglas Tommy Douglas TOMMY MOTHERFUCKING DOUGLAS. Harper attacks Layton for using a private clinic at one point, his eyes saying “I will rape your flesh and wear it for a hat.” Layton says “fuck you” as nicely as possible. Harper says “fuck you” back then talks about some of the money they’ve spent. Dion says that the 90s were necessary and that the Tories broke their promises about waiting lists. May: there are international pressures to cut down our public healthcare system. (Harper smirks like an asshole.) May paints a picture of hungry American businesses trying to move in and attack healthcare, and follows Layton’s lead by pointing out that Harper used to be a pay-for-pray rightie extremist. (Who had dead eyes, like a hitman.)

Duceppe says… I’m honestly not sure, and it had nothing to do with his accent. He moves his hands a lot, though, so maybe it’s important. Dion complains about private medication costs being in the t’ousands and t’ousands of dollahs and promises public funding for catastrophic-need drugs. Layton points out the need for better Aboriginal care, for more family doctors, and then says Dion and Harper are both useless twats and the NDP is the way to go and did he mention how corporate taxes suck?

Minute fifty-nine: Dale Anne from Saskatchewan asks about arts funding! Ha, and Karen Whaley said she didn’t want to liveblog this debate! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, WHALEY?

Duceppe predictably is angry at Harper for cutting arts funding. May likes arts funding and thinks it’s important and that it can make money, but it’s more than just a profit centre, it’s about being Canadian. Dion likes art because “it’s fun” (hokey, but effective), and because it can make more money through tax receipts than is spent by the government itself, and because it’s our identity. Harper “enjoys the arts immensely,” rubbing his hands as he imagines strangling a small puppy to the strains of Ravel’s “Bolero.” Harper then talks about a child tax credit, which parents could presumably spend on arts education! (If they aren’t spending it on food.) Layton rightly mocks the shit out of Harper for this utterly stupid idea, pointing out that artists are poor as shit.

Steve Paikin wants to know if the other four leaders think Tories are barbarians. Dion says he thinks Harper considers artists “enemies,” and Harper shouldn’t do that, and that Harper’s personal tastes shouldn’t dictate arts funding. Duceppe slams Jim Flaherty, who is definitely providing a lot of fodder for everybody tonight, saying that Flaherty made it clear the arts funding cuts were ideological. Harper says that the arts and culture budget has increased. May says she doesn’t think Harper hates the arts, but she thinks he uses the government to increase his own political power wherever possible, and that artistic funding cuts are part of that strategy.

Layton accuses Harper of censorship of his cultural opponents. Harper demands an example, and May butts in naming names. Dion says it is “clear” that there have been ideological cuts and promises to restore artistic tax cuts and funds. Harper again talks about how much more money they’re spending, and how the government “evaluates” programs, which just sounds… creepy. Layton points out that other countries invest in cultural spending because it generates jobs, and then again says Harper would rather give the money to banks.

Minute seventy-one: Sameer from Markham wants to know about violent crime. It’s getting worse, you know! What are you going to do about it?

May: You’re wrong, Sameer from Markham – the violent crime rate hasn’t gone up. That having been said, bail conditions for violent offenders need to be stricter, and we need to ban handguns and semiautomatics, and a cheaper system for regulating hunting rifles. Dion: Treatment model – fix the problems before they become violent crimes. Harper: Well, there are some increases, in gang violence for example, and youth violence repeat offenders, and we’re going to do things about that. (Harper, incidentally, barely looks at the camera when addressing it. It is downright weird.) Layton: we need to ban handguns and semi-autos, and we need treatment and youth programs, and Harper promised youth programs which never showed up so he’s promising it again. Duceppe: punishing young offenders doesn’t work, and we need anti-gun laws, and tougher measures for armed criminals, and victims’ rights.

May: we need to invest in literacy programs, because they’ve been proven to reduce crime rates and criminal activity in youth, and the Tories cut it. Harper: the program didn’t work, and we cut programs that don’t work. Layton complains that Harper’s cuts are just political gamesmanship, and promises a family credit for children’s education programs. Dion says he trusts judges and Harper doesn’t, because Harper wants zero tolerance laws, and that’s idiotic. Harper responds by saying he just wants to give judges the option to give harsh, draconian sentences, and what’s so wrong about that? And house arrests don’t work for young offenders. Duceppe links Harper’s governing philosophy in criminal law to the United States. May points out that longer sentences don’t reduce the crime rate and just end up being more expensive to the state, and that treating young offenders as adults is ridiculous.

Layton mentions that the crime rate among Aboriginals is sky-high because native reservations have the shittiest status around and it’s a national disgrace, and that an apology isn’t enough. Harper says he could talk about that, but he’s not going to, and that violent criminals get off too easy in Canada and it’s time to do something about it, gosh darnit. Dion says sure, let’s do something, but not adopting American judicial models, and then gets into a fight with Layton about Liberal responsibility for Aboriginal policy failures. Layton: “if you’re not going to be the leader of the opposition, I don’t know why you’re running for Prime Minister.” BURN.

Minute eighty-four: Barmak from Kitchener wants to know about Afghanistan. Should we stay there until 2011, or later, or earlier, or what?

Harper, unsurprisingly, likes Afghanistan and what we’re doing there. Layton: we’ve always been against Afghanistan, but we love our soldiers, nay, because we love our soldiers, and we should engage in a comprehensive peace process. Duceppe: us too. May: Afghanistan is where armies go to get their asses handed to them, and we need the United Nations to take over. (What?) Dion: I love me some soldiers and if anybody says different I will beat them to death with a crowbar, and as for Afghanistan, we should stay until 2011.

Harper: we can’t pacify Afghanistan by ourselves, we need the Afghanis to do pitch in, it’s a United Nations mission already. Layton argues that Harper can’t be trusted and that his philosophies come straight from the Bush neocon wing, and you can’t trust Dion either because he changes his mind. Dion: I never broke my word, I agreed to stay longer because leaving Afghanistan without preparing them would be disastrous, and we are so out of there in 2011. Harper points out that Obama wants to increase troop counts in Afghanistan, all you lefties, so what do you say to that? May knocks Harper for having wanted to go into Iraq, then says it has to be a United Nations mission because if it’s an American one the mission is screwed, and points out that too much foreign aid goes to Afghanistan now. Dion: Harper Bush Harper Bush Harper Bush Harper Bush Bush Bush Harper Bush. Harper: Not Bush! Not not not not not Bush! (Yes, it is really getting that bad that fast, folks. Come on, we had ninety minutes almost of substantive debate, it had to collapse sometime.)

Minute ninety-six: Dennis in Toronto: he’s a retiree, and he wants to know what the first thing each of them would do as PM, and no bullfeathers, either!

Layton: remove the corporate tax cut and replace it with infrastructure investment and job creation and stuff like. Duceppe: I’m not gonna be Prime Minister, and nobody else but Harper is gonna be either, so I’ll just make sure to keep pushing Harper to help the manufacturing sector and seniors and lots of other people. May: we have to fix our electoral system to bring proportional representation to Parliament, and we need to deal with carbon emissions yesterday and eighty percent of Canadians agree with me. Dion: I’m going to deal with the economic crisis that’s coming even if Harper says it isn’t coming. Harper: More tax cuts.

OPEN ROUNDISH TABLE! Layton attacks Harper – again – about the corporate tax cuts, and then points out that Harper is fundamentally crap at working with provincial leaders, and so is Dion. Dion says if he’s elected he’s got a mandate from the Canadian people, not that this is going to happen but hey. He also talks up the Green Shift again. May pushes the Green Shift concept and says it’s exactly what we need to do right now for all the usual reasons, then argues for income tax splitting in marriages. Harper says that they eliminated the marriage penalty, which is not exactly the same thing at all but it sounds kind of the same, then says they’ll bring in income splitting for couples acting as caregivers for non-kids (IE, parents and elderly types). Harper says he will never, ever raise taxes, which is exactly the type of flexibility a leader needs. Duceppe asks for national securities regulation common across the provinces; Harper says he’d like that, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. Dion says “hey, remember how Harper screwed you on income trusts? Think about that when he complains about the Green Shift.” Harper responds by saying that it was necessary and they compensated by offering income splitting for pensioners.

Minute one hundred seven: Aimee from Halifax hasn’t voted in the last couple of elections, so how can she trust any of you assholes?

Duceppe: Just look at it this way: Harper lies like a rug, so there you go. May says she used to be a lawyer and now a politician and feels loathed, and it’s because politicians break promises, so ignore party and vote on the issues, and be more engaged, because you deserve better than what you get. Dion: you, young lady in Halifax, you’re wrong. There are concrete differences between the Tories and the Liberals. For example, the Liberals are nice, and the Tories hunt the endangered condor for sport. Harper: I am pro-condor and have always been pro-condor. Look at our platform. (May: “where IS it?”) Layton: Harper doesn’t have a platform, he has a sweater. And we’ve had the Tories and Liberals in power forever, one or the other, so if you’re sick of the same old same old, vote the NDP into power and guess what, we’ll fuck up in all sorts of new ways.

And then they talked some more but my wireless connection on my laptop died, so fuck it, there was only five minutes left anyway and they were mostly done.

Bottom line: Harper needed a strong performance to rebound from the French language debate and this was definitely not it. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. I don’t think he’s getting his majority.

Setting up shop to liveblog tonight; thanks to Newsworld replaying the Canadian leader’s debate later tonight, it’s going to be the American VP debate at 9 PM and then the Canadian federal debate when Newsworld replays it.

Probably important to note in advance that Sarah Palin is not going to set her podium on fire or do anything remarkably stupid; the form of the debate allows her to do what she does well, which is relentlessly attack Biden and Obama in scripted manner and ignore any question she can’t answer by talking about something else instead. (This was, of course, not accidental.) Regardless of what happens, Palin’s expectations are so low that if she manages to speak in complete sentences it will be portrayed as a massive victory. My personal hope is that Biden ignores the attacks and simply concentrates on being a grown-up who can offer intelligent solutions for problems America faces.

8:59: Campbell Brown explains that most people are stupid and will be more inclined to vote for Sarah Palin if she comes across as nice rather than competent. Well, that’s honest, at least.

9:00: Your moderator: Gwen Ifill, who is, I understand, completely in the tank for Barack Obama and who hates all white women everywhere.

9:00: Tonight the lines are for uncommited male and female Ohio voters! Ohio! The state that always matters far more than it really should!

9:01: “Nice to meet you! Hi! Can I call you Joe?” And it’s Perky Sarah out of the gate!

9:02: First question: the bailout. The lines like Biden! The lady lines like him more than the men lines, but the men lines seem to like him fine. Biden says he and Obama will focus on the middle class.

9:05: Palin starts out talking folksy about soccer and the lines just DROP to neutral so fast it is scary. They rebound a bit when she starts talking about sound oversight, then she obliquely says Biden is stupid for not listening to McCain about reform. Lines drop again when she starts talking about McCain suspending his campaign. That shit ain’t fooling nobody, lady.

9:07: Biden wants to respond to Palin on McCain’s economic brilliance, and goes with the “fundementals of our economy” line. Palin responds with the “he was talking about American workers” bullshit response – the lines like it but only a bit. Early trend about Palin is that her lines tend to drop the longer she talks. She hasn’t dropped into negative numbers yet.

9:09: “Maverick” count: 1.

9:09: “Who’s fault is the subprime meltdown?” Palin wisely blames predator lenders. Biden looks terribly pissed off when she talks about how she and McCain will clean up Wall Street, mostly because OH MY GOD THE BULLSHIT.

9:10: “Hockey mom” count: 1. But her message of personal responsibility rings strongly! People like personal responsibility in Ohio!

9:12: Biden: McCain wants to deregulate everything and that’s no good. Palin: taxes! Democrats love taxes! Lines not very convinced by this. Government must be more efficient! Everybody likes efficiency! Then she spouts the “tax increase on families worth $42K less” line, which is bullshit. Biden calls her on it and points out that McCain voted exactly the same way, then points out that by Palin’s standard McCain voted to raise taxes eleventy billion times and Palin didn’t answer about deregulation at all. Biden is grinning like an evil shark person.

9:14: Palin: “I may not answer the questions the way you want me to…” IE, “at all.” Biden looks at Gwen Ifill. Palin looks at her notes.

9:15: Ifill: hey, McCain wants to tax employer health benefits. What do you think about that? Biden points out that the middle class has had a bad time of it lately with taxes and talks about the Obama tax plan, of which the lines greatly approve, then points out McCain wants corporate tax cuts. Palin’s smile is WEIRD. Then Biden mentions Reagan, because men in Ohio get hard when you say “Reagan.”

9:17: Palin claims that she and her family are “middle class.” She has to be prompted to even mention the health care plan because she is busy lying about taxes. My god, this woman lies slickly when she gets a chance to prepare. Attacks socialized healthcare and the lines are NOT impressed. Talks about the health care credit, because five thousand dollars helps a lot when you have cancer!

9:20: Biden: John McCain wants to tax your health benefits and give money to insurance companies. This is undeniably true, which unfortunately does not wake up the lines, because it is difficult to understand, this “paying of taxes” and “costing of money.”

9:21: If things get tough, what disappears from your plan: Biden: foreign assistance (good call, Biden – Americans hate helping foreigners. Sorry, people, but it’s true), corporate tax cuts. Women OFF THE CHART with the lines for Biden. Then, Biden says he and Obama will look in the government’s cushions for spare change to make up the difference, and finishes by attacking overseas tax shelters.

9:22: Palin says McCain doesn’t flip-flop depending on who he talks to. This is true. McCain flip-flops regardless of who he talks to. Palin says how she “took on” the oil companies in Alaska, presumably with a shotgun and a bear trap. Palin is playing it so folksy it is like she is trying out for a remake of The Beverly Hillbillies.

9:24: Palin claims her area of expertise is energy. Oh, please, Biden. Destroy her. Destroy her and make her your own.

9:25: Biden points out that the windfall tax Palin instituted in Alaska is part of Obama’s economic plan and something John McCain opposes. OH SNAP.

9:26: Bankruptcy bill. Palin would have supported it. LINES NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Odds Biden mentions that he voted for it: very poor. Palin’s answer is… blather. Oh my god, is she coming apart already? SHE IS. Sarah Palin Podium On Fire Equivalent: .3 podiums.

9:27: Gwen Ifill, in the tank for Obama, points out that Biden voted for the extremely unpopular bankruptcy bill. Biden umms and ahhs and then says Obama is awesome and knew about the subprime meltdown way in advance, and says that bankruptcy courts need to be better for the people and stuff. Bad answer, but eh.

9:29: Sarah Palin wants to talk more about energy (lines NOT happy) and says that we need to drill – excuse me, “exploit domestic energy sources”, then attacks “east coast politicians.” Tupac, up in the sky, waves his forty-ouncer for her.

9:30: Gwen Ifill wants to ask about climate change, and asks Palin “what is true” about climate change. Palin equivocates and admits that there are changes, and doesn’t want to argue about the causes. Oh my god she is falling apart again, just tripping over words. How did this woman get elected to anything? Jesus Christ. She has said “we gotta become energy independent” like fifteen times now, then attacks foreign countries for polluting, and then claims that she is for conservation.

9:32: Biden: “It is manmade, you dumb cunt.” No, not really, but wouldn’t that be great? Says “we’re the cause,” then points out that McCain doesn’t vote for alternative energy like, ever, and then says “clean coal and nuclear power” because he needed to make me irritated, then attacks China for burning dirty coal, which is not like the sparkling, gleaming coal you find in America. Finishes up with saying that drilling won’t produce oil for ten years.

9:34: Sarah Palin says “drill baby drill” because she is a dumbass. Then complains that drilling is great and why don’t Obama and Biden want to drill more? Man-lines LOVE drilling! Women, not so much.

9:36: Biden points out that drilling for oil doesn’t do shit about global warming. FINALLY.

9:36: Biden is unequivocally for same-sex marriage benefits. And the lines are SUPPORTIVE, because he does it right: he talks about basic fairness. HA HA EAT THAT YOU CULTURE WAR FUCKERS.

9:38: Palin says she’s against gay marriage (basically) and then points out that just because she doesn’t want gay couples to get married doesn’t mean she’s intolerant! YES IT DOES, YOU STUPID BITCH. (My god, I am hardpressed to think of the last woman I loathed quite as much as Sarah Palin.)

9:39: Men, surprisingly, much more for same-sex marriage benefits.

9:40: Gwen Ifill asks about a pullout strategy in Iraq. Palin talks about the surge, which is, you know, the exact opposite thing. Blathers about Obama voting against funding the troops, which is bullshit. The lines are just generally not enthusiastic about any of this particularly. Lumps together the Shia extremists and Al-Qaeda, because she is an idiot.

9:41: Biden: “All due respect, but I didn’t hear a plan.” SNAP

9:42: Biden promises to end the war. Lines VERY VERY HAPPY.

9:43: Palin accuses Biden and Obama of being surrenderers. Lines BELOW THE MIDDLE. And mostly staying there. My god, women really really do not like Sarah Palin. At least not in Ohio.

9:44: OH GOD SARAH PALIN SO ANNOYING SHE IS MAKING ME WANT TO TURN GAY no no I like the ladies BUT SHE IS A LADY OH THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE pretend she is a pre-op tranny maybe that will help

9:45: Biden: “I love McCain, but he is a fucking idiot, only suitable to be kept behind a stairwell and hidden from polite company.”

9:45: Iran or Pakistan? CHOOSE ONE! Biden says Pakistan, because they already have nukes, whereas Iran does not yet have nukes. Iran getting a nuke would be bad, but Pakistan already has them! Lines firmly on his side. Then says again that McCain is wrong about Iraq. Lines like him even more.

9:47: “Which is worse, Palin?” She picks both, then says “hey, Iraq is pretty bad you know!” Then, in an ironic moment, she accuses Ahmadnejad of being dangerously unstable. HEY LADY LOOK WHO YOU’RE RUNNING WITH. Then accuses Obama of being dangerously naive, unlike a woman who believes dinosaurs lived with cavemen.

9:49: Dictators HATE America! They hate tolerance! And respect for women’s rights! Like the right to choose! Um! Pretend she didn’t mention that bit! Anyway, Obama is willing to talk with them! And that’s bad!

9:50: Biden absolutely tears apart Palin on foreign policy yet again. I genuinely don’t think at this point Palin is coming anywhere close to hitting it out of the park, or even a double. Maybe a single on base.

9:51: Biden pulls out McCain-and-Spain in the most gloriously assholic way possible.

9:52: Sarah Palin’s answer on Israel is possibly the least coherent thing she has said all night. She just says anything vaguely related to the topic at hand and hopes it sticks. She is a human bullshit shotgun. She is a thesaurus gone retarded.

9:53: Biden tears apart the Bush adminstration’s foreign policy step-by-step. He is being such a jerk. The lines love him, because he knows what he is talking about and it is obvious.

9:54: Palin is so happy that everybody loves Israel! And then complains that Biden and Obama are playing the “blame game” and are fingerpointing, which is convenient because the fingers are all pointed at her useless idiot party.

9:55: Biden: “Past is prologue.” Oh YES. Then does a very good job, policywise, of linking McCain to Bush. Lines like this very much.

9:56: Palin boldly comes out against nuclear war. Secretly, she hopes that Joe Biden will say he is PRO nuclear war! Then she will win the debate for sure!

9:58: Palin: America needs a surge in Afghanistan like they do in Iraq! And how dare Obama say that soldiers have accidentally killed Afghani civilians! They’re building schools, you know!

9:59: Biden: “Our commanding general in Afghanistan said TODAY that a surge won’t work there.” OH SNAP. Biden is just pwning Palin on foreign policy so fierce it is crazy. I mean, this isn’t even close. This is like me playing Kasparov at chess. No, this is like my mom’s cat playing Kasparov at chess. “No, kitty, don’t eat the rook.”

10:00: Palin’s starting to lose her temper.

10:01: Biden talks about Kosovo. The lines like Kosovo! (What the hell are “Bosniaks,” though? They sound like a type of sneaker.) Then says America can lead in Darfur if it’s willing to do so. The lines really, really like this.

10:03: Palin tries to say that Biden is a flip-flopper, then tries to compare him to John Kerry, all while playing her cutesy small-town chick rule, then blathers some more. My god this woman never should be in charge of anything ever. Then starts talking about the Alaska Permanent Fund, and how they divested themselves from Sudan, because – Christ, I don’t know any more.

10:05: That was an uncharacteristically weak response by Biden and the lines showed it.

10:06: “John McCain knows how to win a war!” This is true. McCain won the War Against American Airplanes, and the War Against Being Faithful To His First Wife, and the War Against Coherence. Military wars, no, John McCain hasn’t won any of those.

10:08: “What if the president died?” Biden: I’d keep carrying out Obama’s policies, because they are awesome sauce. The lines love him. ESPECIALLY the ladies. That is why Joe Biden is called the Silver Fox. Palin: “I would wet myself, then go into a corner and cry.” No, actually she says she’d do whatever she wanted to do because they are a team of mavericks (current maverick count: seven), which means putting government on the side of the people and fighting corruption and bringing small-town values to Washington, because what the country needs is the viewpoint of one-tenth of its population in charge. The lines like this. FUCK OHIO. FUCK OHIO RIGHT IN THE ASS. (Which would be, what, Cincinatti? I have no idea about Ohio.)

10:10: “Say it ain’t so, Joe!” You kinda get the feeling she’s been waiting to say that all night, doncha? And she starts talking about education, which means talking about the teachers in her family in lieu of anything about, you know, policy or anything like that.

10:13: Ifill brings out the “what does the veep DO, anyway?” Palin says “we all know!” Then says “presiding over the Senate,” and not a lot else. Talks about energy independence, because that is her area of expertise, god save America.

10:14: Biden: “as veep, I would shove Obama’s legislation down the throats of Congress and make them love it and ask for seconds. Also, I have a big mouth.”

10:16: Oh god Gwen ifill is asking Sarah Palin a question about the Constitution. Palin, predictably, talks about nothing for a couple of minutes and doesn’t actually answer the question in any way. Blather blather blather. Sarah Palin Podium On Fire Rating: 0.4.

10:17: Biden slags Dick Cheney, because that is the easy road to popularitytown. Says that the VP has no actual enumerated power beyond deciding tie votes. Whew.

10:18: Oh god, a question about Sarah Palin’s experience. She is qualified, I shit you not, because she is connected to the heartland of America. SHE REALLY SAID THAT. Then she talks about how they’ve “been there” worrying about healthcare, despite having been a public servant for most of her adult life. She is also an agent of tolerance, because when you think about small-town America, you think “tolerant.”

10:19: Biden’s experience. He admits to having a big mouth. Well, duh. Talks about being a single parent (lines very appreciative). Nearly breaks down for a bit talking about how he knows what it’s like having to worry about having a child who “might not make it.” Lines SKYROCKET for that.

10:22: Palin: Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick James Garner maverick. Mentions how Joe Lieberman and Rudy Giuliani love McCain. Oh, please, Sarah Palin, mention two of the least popular politicians in America some more!

10:23: Shorter Biden: “Maverick? BULLSHIT.” Lines are VERY VERY big on this. Veep candidates are attack dogs and Biden just chewed up McCain and spat him out.

10:24: Ifill: “What did you change your opinion on, issuewise, because of changing circumstances?” Biden: I didn’t think Supreme Court justices mattered because all candidates were responsible. Then I learned what shit really goes down. Palin: I didn’t veto budgets, and it was the right thing to do, even though it left my town twenty million bucks in the hole after three years, which was not my fault because other people put together those budgets, not me.

10:27: “How will you change the tone?” Biden: I have a history of working across the aisle to get shit done. Look at my record. I don’t question people’s motives (yeah, sure). Palin: I appointed people regardless of political affiliation, be they Republican, Libertarian, or Scientologist.

10:29: Palin’s closing statement: I’d like more debates! (Suuuuure you would, Sarah.) I like talking directly to the people, rather than being asked questions by pesky “journalists” who might “know things” about my “record and stated beliefs.” I’m lucky to be an American, and so is John McCain, and Reagan said something, and fight fight fight fight fight fight fight maverick fight fight maverick maverick change fight fight go Huskies fight fight fight. Lines: a little bit likey.

10:30: Biden’s closing statement: middle class needs to do better, we need to do better, John McCain is a fucktard, and the only reason I’m not saying “this woman at the other podium is a retard” is because I don’t have to by this point. Time to get up off the mat, America! Lines: love him to death.

And that’s it. I suspect the pundits will declare Palin’s performance to be all right but not exactly a solid win, because that’s the best way to discuss things.