Your judges are Nigel, Mary, and an embarrassing miscut to backstage Megan Mullally, who is apparently a superfan with dance history so… why not, I guess.

Jordan and Tadd: afro-jazz. Always glad to see Sean Cheeseman get work, but he can do so much more than afro-jazz. Still, the American show is all about niches. The piece was okay; the lifts were a bit laboured but Jordan and especially Tadd really seemed to find their groove as it progressed. All three judges are nonspecifically pleased.

Sasha and Alexander: contemporary. Your standard Travis, which means Mia Michaels-lite (although he’s starting to develop his own identity – but it’s kind of hyperactive, which I’m not sure I like, because when he’s better than that he’s really better than that). Sasha’s transitions here were excellent. Alexander… reminds me a lot of Robert from last season, except perhaps not with all of Robert’s technique, and Robert bored the crap out of me more often than not. Judges ding Alexander for a dull performance, but he should be fine.

Clarice and Jess: Broadway. I’m not sure if giving Jess Broadway his first week is giving him an advantage.. oh, who am I kidding, the audience eats Tasty’s stereotypical Fosse-ripoffs up with a spoon. Dull choreography, but Jess’ center is absolutely insane and Clarice reminds me greatly of Katee from season four, although of course it’s early yet (because Katee was good at everything). Judges give Jess a verbal blowjob and Nigel scolds Clarice for not being as good as Jess.

Nancy Travis Ryan and Ricky: lyrical hip-hop. The cynic in me says that they’re pushing lyrical hip-hop as a genre because the mass of contemporary dancers they get every year can’t consistently dance straight-up hip-hop well. I liked Chris Scott’s choreo, but Ryan’s performance left me cold – smiley face all the way through in what was supposed to be a “sad” routine is one thing, but her moves were just soft and although she didn’t miss anything she really didn’t hit anything either. Ricky, in comparison, did the choreo justice and then some, and that was pleasantly surprising.

Caitlyn and Mitchell Apparently An All-Star Robert: jazz. Huh, Robert. (My previous criticism of Alexander stands.) Sonya’s choreo just gets more and more repetitive with each season; she needs new tricks really, really badly. This was fine for what it was.

Miranda and Woo Man: “Latin.” Apparently “Latin” is a style now? Which is weird, because this wasn’t especially a genre-crossing dance that Jason Gilkison put together: this was ninety-five percent jive with a few swing and salsa moves (which felt horribly out of place) and would have been perfectly fine just labeled as a jive. Robert was fine; Miranda was bland and I’m not inclined to think she’ll stick around too long.

Missy and Wadi: jazz. See? Sean Cheeseman can do more than afro-jazz! Wadi is a really impressive partner: he’s athletic and strong and he looked incredibly comfortable in this, and I don’t see how he can’t be a frontrunner after this. Missy was very good and didn’t let Wadi steal the whole thing from her.

Melanie and Marko: contemporary. Obviously praised as the routine of the night, and deservedly so, but… about two-thirds of the way in, after Travis has been choreographing this simply excellent routine and avoiding all of his usual bad habits, and it’s like he just needed to let out his Travisness and be all “here’s a BIG MUSICAL MOMENT so let’s bust out the big pairs choreo” and it just felt sort of predictable in a “okay now here’s the guitar solo” portion of a 90s rock song. Which – I’m not saying it wasn’t good. It was very good. But it wasn’t perfect and it came so close, and it’s frustrating when it gets ever so nearly there. Oh, yes, Marko and Melanie were both dead-on perfect in this.

Ashley and Chris: hip-hop. They weren’t in sync for big chunks of the dance, they didn’t hit their moves hard, and they didn’t have terribly demanding choreo either. Worst routine of the night by a country mile. Judges try to soft-sell it.

Iveta and Nick: quickstep. A remarkably strong performance in one of the show’s most difficult dances: Iveta was predictably excellent and Nick was surprisingly strong, and this isn’t the first time Gilkison has choreo’d a great, entertaining quickstep either. The judges hardsell them because quickstep doesn’t draw votes sometimes, but I think it may have been unnecessary, because this was entertaining on its own right.

Predicted bottom three: Ashley and Chris, Caitlyn and Mitchell, Sasha and Alexander.
Should go home: Ashley and Chris.
Will go home: Ashley and Mitchell.

So over on America’s Best Dance Crew this season we’re getting a sort of Sanjaya Malakar situation developing: one of the crews is getting way more votes than their skill would reasonably deserve: Iconic Boyz, who aren’t terrible or anything, and in fact are really impressively good for a bunch of eleven-year-olds… but ultimately, they’re a bunch of eleven-year-olds who are up against dancers who in many cases have been dancing for longer than the average Iconic Boy has been alive, and the relatively basic nature of their routines makes it pretty obvious that they’re outmatched.

But the tweenage vote is keeping them alive. It’s obvious that the moment Iconic Boyz fall into elimination territory, the judges won’t save them – but the Boyz are, with only three crews remaining, one of two crews left that have never been in danger of elimination.

Certainly fans of good dance teevee are hoping that this week breaks their streak, since only one crew can avoid elimination this week, and as just noted, there’s one other crew that has never been in danger of elimination: that crew is I aM mE, which has not coincidentally been the most consistently entertaining and daring crew of the entire season (sadly, in a season with relatively few standouts). I aM mE is led by the redoubtable Philipchbeeb, who apparently traveled to different alternate Earths to find the Philipchbeebs of other worlds – a black Philipchbeeb, an Asian Philipchbeeb, a Latino Philichbeeb and two girl Philipchbeebs – to form a multidisciplinary crew of nerds with an emphasis on popping, which is arguably the hardest hip-hop form to do as a group since the timing has to be perfect.

Witness their first performance:

And they have only gotten better! Consider their most recent performance, wherein they were challenged (America’s Best Dance Crew likes to complicate matters by giving the crews challenges to include in their performances) to include child’s games and play in their routine:

And although our Earth’s Philipchbeeb is quite evidently the most talented dancer of all of his crew, he remains content to primarily stay in the background, as befits a true leader of men. He is the President and Grand High Poobah of Poppsylvania, and most deserving at that. Most likely I aM mE will become this season’s America’s Best Dance Crew winner, and it is primarily on his shoulders: you can see the little tweaks that his SYTYCD crosstraining has developed in him in the crew’s routines.

Your judges are the usual four.

Amanda and Denys: salsa. A pretty strong routine from Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas, but he goes for the triple leg lift and Denys blows it a bit. Pity; that’s a really difficult move (and one that I don’t think blends well into a routine generally; it’s just too stunty) and it was a icky ending to an otherwise stellar bit of salsa, complete with an absolutely brilliant stunt at the beginning (a giant lift which then had Denys doing his salsa basic while lifting Amanda, which – kudos, CTV camera team, for deciding to not film that, once again demonstrating why Canadian TV is Canadian TV).

Jeff’s solo: He goes Ukrainian again, but this time with slightly more dramatic costume (pants, boots, no shirt, very King and I) and works in a bunch of his contemporary acrobatic tricks. Best solo he’s done all season.

Janick and Denys: contemporary. WIND MACHINE! I liked the choreo’s first two-thirds and then it devolved into a lot of running around, which is a shame because there were some really neat bits in it up until that point – Nico and Wynn have done better. Janick and Denys danced this quite well and I have no complaints on that front. Also, WIND MACHINE. I mention it twice because it was cheesy AND kind of awesome.

Amanda’s solo: Felt like an end-of-the-season solo: this looked really tired, and sloppy. Falling out of that pirouette was especially not so much with the thereness.

Janick and Jeff: jazz/fusion. You know, I’ve been waiting all season for a season-defining routine and it finally showed up tonight. This… thingy from CHEESEMAN~! was spectacular: weird and well-conceived (I mean, dressing up the dancers as King and Queen – or Queen and prince-consort, whatever) and danced absolutely perfectly. Simply a brilliant bit of work here.

Denys’ solo: Exactly as strong as you would expect.

Amanda and Jeff: contemporary. And we get our Very Serious Routine of the night about domestic violence, which I felt was very meh; it didn’t feel sufficiently violent or malevolent to me, not in the movements for the most part (other than Jeff grabbing Amanda’s wrist right at the beginning). Very good acting, certainly, and the dancing was exactly as strong as you would expect, but… not convincing for me as a piece. YMMV.

Janick’s solo: A decent hip-hop/contemporary blend as per usual with good performance quality.

Top four: contemporary. Wait, what? No same-sex partner dances? An entire final show without a single hip-hop number and only one ballroom routine? Janick and Jeff didn’t even have to dance out-of-genre all night when dancing three times, for crissake. Fuck you, show. No, really. Fuck you; this isn’t even a time thing forced on you by CTV because in previous years you’ve always managed to cram in six partner dances plus four solos in one hour. I’m not even reviewing this because it’s a group number and I just can’t be bothered to care. Whatever.

Final order should be: 1.) Denys 2.) Jeff 3.) Janick 4.) Amanda
Final order will be: 1.) Denys 2.) Janick 3.) Jeff 4.) Amanda

Hello! This is Karen back for another round of guest blogging So You Think You Can Dance Canada!

Alright, so it’s Top 8 Week and instead of doing two pairs dances, the dancers are doing one pairs dance, one solo, and one group number. WTF, CTV?

Your guest judges are Sexy Rexy, Canada’s ballet heartthrob, and Sergio Trujillo, who is a Broadway choreographer from Toronto. Jean-Marc is growing out his hair and it’s still in an awkward phase.

Leah Miller Dress Report: it looks like one of those toilet paper dresses that women make at bachelorette parties or to enter Charmin crowd-sourcing contests. B-

Awkward Commercial Promotion Report: Thanks to Degree clinical-grade deodorant for profuse sweaters, a viewer will win an exotic vacation!

Mackenzie and Janick (hip hop): Great Luther Brown number; ten times more interesting than half the hip hop numbers on the American show, blah blah blah. Mackenzie and Janick definitely hit this, but I don’t think they sold the swagger that Luther wanted them to sell. Jean-Marc suggests that Luther should run in the Toronto mayoral race, which is an awkward thing to say but not the worst idea he’s ever had. The costumes reminded me of World of Goo, or maybe a sexy oil spill.

“You move so well, gosh!” says Leah Miller, who has presumably graduated from middle school.

Jeff’s Solo: the dancers are asked about their favourite thing about their hometown. Jeff says he loves the spontaneity of Alberta thunderstorms and dances to Radiohead with those lovely legs, so I’m sold.

Natalie’s Solo: Am I going to comment on all these solos? Oh, okay. Watching people dance to Alicia Keys is uncomfortable. It’s Natalie’s birthday, yaaaaaaaay.

Danielle and Denys (contemporary): Sabrina Matthews of the icky suicide-attempt dance from several weeks ago does “A Tribute to Our Fallen Soldiers.” It’s pretty okay. Sergio calls Denys, “a true little Baryshnikov,” which is a decent comparison. Denys is hands down the best dancer in this competition and I love him for it, but I don’t usually love-love him if you know what I’m saying. Nevertheless, he’s looking reeeeeeeeeal good in this hot Communist soldier, Joseph Fiennes in Enemy at the Gates-kinda way and it’s doing it for me.

If Denys is Baryshnikov/Joseph Fiennes, then Danielle is the Winona Ryder of dance. Like Winona Ryder, I can’t really picture spooky-sweet Danielle as a grieving soldier’s wife. If there were a God, he’d give me Reality Bites: The Musical. Or maybe Bram Stoker’s Dracula: The Musical. Denys could play Gary Oldman. That would be believable.

Amanda’s Solo: Amanda is from Mississauga. What is there to love about Mississauga? Amanda says the Port Credit Harbour. Good save, Legs McGee! Her solo is eclectic and fierce.

Sebastian’s Solo: Sebastian is a Toronto boy who loves diversity and dances to Stars’ “Your Ex-Lover is Dead” so I have to like him, but this solo is kind of a mess. Good musicality.

Group Number: a sexy pilot and flight attendant jazz number by Sean Cheeseman. I’m not into it. The guys are all over the place, but Denys is flawless. He is the Captain OF MY PANTS.

Amanda and Jeff (contemporary): Mandy Moore choreographs a piece about early-onset Alzheimers. Two contemporary tearjerkers in one night, eh? Looks like a Sabrina Matthews-Mandy Moore throwdown!

Amanda and Jeff both have the most incredible legs and this dance does everything to showcase them, so it’s beautiful. Jean-Marc cries for the second time this evening, but it seems more genuine than his tears for The Troops. Point goes to Mandy Moore.

Leah Miller says something like, “Gee golly, that dance there shore was purty, you guys!” and continues to be grating.

Denys’ Solo: My ladyboner diminishes as Denys dances his effeminate solo. He has suddenly transformed from Joseph Fiennes into Chris Kattan as Mango. And, of course, I love Mango, but for very different reasons.

Janick’s Solo: Jannick is from New Brunswick and likes nature and dancing good solos.

Sebastian and Natalie (cha cha cha): superfail for Sebastian, who is dancing through a hip injury and is wayyyy outside of his comfort zone. But man, does he ever try. Natalie is great, as usual, but has a very unmemorable personality, as usual.

Danielle’s Solo: Lovely solo.

Mackenzie’s Solo: Couldn’t care less about this guy.

Verdict? Sebastian is toast.

Your guest judges this week are Karen Kain OH MY YES and Dan Karaty, and any week where Karen Kain was not guest-judging Dan Karaty would be the highlight because he’s awesome, but, hey, Karen Kain.

Amanda and Edgar: hip-hop. A very strong opener. Edgar was of course predictably good because he’s just very good at everything, but in his genre he’s even better. However, Amanda was very nearly as good as he was – her pops were exactly right and her isolations were so good I would have figured her for a hip-hop dancer had I never seen her before. Probably the best hip-hop routine of the season so far.

Natalie and Denys: mambo. Arguably even better than the hip-hop. I would have liked to see Natalie maybe dance a little bit down into her hips just a little more, but this is at best a small complaint; she hit her footwork excellently and kept time with Denys, who of course nailed it, and this was far from being an easy routine. That first big lift was just so damn clean.

Charlene and Mackenzie: contemporary. The two most boring dancers left in the top ten dance a fairly by-the-numbers piece from Stacey Tookey, who is just not bringing it for me this season: there were some nice bits here and there (I liked that one pause en pointe that Charlene got about halfway through), but overall this felt as formulaic as many of her other pieces this season have. As for Charlene and Mackenzie, they danced this very well in a boring way.

Janick and Jeff: jazz/funk. Well, that was… awkward. Terrible idea for a prop (a whip, which the two of them were dancing them around like they were going to lose an eye), and Janick and Jeff were just stiff the whole way through for me. Judges were very nice about not saying that the choreography was bad, which it was. (Incidentally, I’m skipping discussing the solos for the sake of time, but I have to mention that I love Jeff a little bit for doing Ukrainian dance for his solo.)

Danielle and Sebastian: quickstep. Not the worst quickstep on this show, not by a long distance. In fact, I will go so far as to say that it was good. Not great, certainly not outstanding. But good, and the most entertaining and solid routine Pierre Allaire’s delivered in a while. The first time all season I have not at least slightly disliked Sebastian.

Should go home: Charlene and Mackenzie.
Will go home: Charlene and Edgar.

Janick and Denys: paso doble. Well, that was pretty goddamn awesome. Denys was obviously in his wheelhouse, but he’s growing as a performer by leaps and bounds. Janick was very good. This was great and there is nothing else to say, really.

Danielle and Jeff: contemporary. Danielle and Jeff danced the routine excellently, and I really wish I had liked it more, but I didn’t; it felt very “SYTYCD contemporary” formulaic, with the fast move-slow move-fast move shifts. Good work, but I was meh about it.

Charlene and Edgar: salsa. Oh, dear. Charlene completely fucked up when her shoe came off. Completely. It happens, but she really didn’t recover; her confidence was completely destroyed. You could see Edgar trying to rally her back (and keeping his Latin flavour as he did so) and improvise their way back into the choreo, but it wasn’t going to happen because even before the wardrobe malfunction Charlene was only at about eighty percent comfortable with the routine. Shame, because what there was of the choreo looked really good (because it is Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas, of course).

Amanda and Mackenzie: afrojazz. Well, this felt more like just regular old avant-garde jazz rather than Afrojazz ™ but CHEESEMAN~! has earned the right to experiment. Amanda is very good, as usual. Mackenzie was technically proficient and boring as all get out, as usual.

Claudia and Jonathan: hip-hop. Not a crowdpleaser, but technically proficient routine from Sho-Tyme, who likes intricate footwork better than big lifting stunts. Jonathan was very solid in this and I think I would have liked this much better if Claudia hadn’t been so terribly mediocre.

Natalie and Sebastian: disco. Quite a nice bit of choreography, although honestly I’m just thankful it was not “new,” but really: lots of the cheesy bits that make disco fun and a few good stunts, that’s all I want out of a disco routine. That having been said: Sebastian was clearly having trouble with the lifts and couldn’t disguise his effort. Natalie was great.

Probable bottom three: Charlene and Edgar, Claudia and Jonathan, Natalie and Sebastian.
Should go home: Charlene and Sebastian.
Will go home: Charlene and Edgar.

Hi, I’m Karen, your substitute SYTYCD blogger. You may remember me from one previous occasion when I did this in 2008. I don’t know what I was smoking back then, because I described Leah Miller as “quippy” and Jae Blaze’s choreography in the legendary Lisa and Vincent Raggedy Ann and Andy hip-hop number as “kind of balls”. Who was that person?

Amazingly, MGK has invited me back to blog the Top 14 episode of Season 3 of SYTYCDC while he’s off being a lawyer or liveblogging mayoral debates or whatever. To be perfectly honest with you, I also recently started a new job and am still getting used to the 9-5 workday (as opposed to waking up at 9:30, one benefit of grad school/unemployment) and I’m so tired that I’m mostly communicating in grunts and purrs. So bear with me.

Tonight is Top 14 night and your guest judges are Mia Michaels and Sean Cheeseman so you know there’s probably going to be some crying. Mia’s hairdo is fascinating; she looks like Iggy Koopa.

Tonight is also the night when the dancers switch partners, so they have to say something nice about the other person in the bio clip. You can really tell who is happy to be working with who. A few couples say stuff like, “I’m happy to be paired with so-and-so, because they seem like a hard worker and I like working hard!” which is a moot point because if you’re a good enough dancer to be on this show, you’re probably used to working your ass off.

Charlene and Mackenzie: Jive. That they managed to keep up with the jive’s speed was impressive, but their moves (esp. kicks) were sloppy and flailing. I thought their chemistry was awful; so much so that Mackenzie actually walked off stage into a pile of other girls at the end. Mia calls this dance “Near perfection,” but I call it, “Whatever.” But either way, I really like Charlene. I don’t think she has star quality but she’s a great dancer and very likable.

Amanda and Sebastian: Contemporary. OMG SO MANY LIMBS. I realize that Stacey Tookey was going for the Canadian equivalent of an Emmy with this “Grieving Parents Dance” but I totally hated it. Amanda and Sebastian did not hit a believable emotional tenor throughout this entire piece; it seemed way too happy! “Hooray, our child is dead! Join me in a ridiculous flailing of limbs!” But that aside, I like both of these dancers and their unique styles and can’t wait to see them in other dances together. And so do the judges, which is why they gave them absolutely no critique.

Claudia and Denys: Brazilian Samba, Capoeira Fusion. Gustavo Vargas, please continue to fuse Brazilian Samba and Capoiera! It was so kick ass. Denys’ performance in this number was one of the highlights of the season. He’s quickly becoming one of my favourites. Claudia was not remotely good in this, and all the sexyface in the world couldn’t save her. The judges tore her to shreds, except for Jean Marc who obviously has to represent for the Quebecois ballroom scene

Kloé and Shavar: Theatre. What can I say about this dance? I didn’t watch a second of it because I was so distracted by the bizarre costumes and sets that looked like they were right out of the movie From Hell. My boyfriend also pointed out the ridiculousness of a man wearing morning dress at night. Mia calls these two, “the weakest links in the competition”. I won’t be sad to see them go.

Janick and Jeff: Hip Hop. I was prepared for this to be really bad but Janick was convincing. No matter what Tre said, Jeff was not “swaggalicious” but he gave it a fine effort. Despite his “Wonderbread Face”, I really like Jeff. I fell in love with his legs during the audition episodes and they continue to keep me swooning. Clearly hip-hop is not his forte but I don’t really care yet.

Danielle and Edgar: Contemporary. Suicide-attempt dance! Was that supposed to be a NOOSE in the opening? This was terrible choreography, c/o Sabrina Matthews, but Danielle and Edgar danced the shit out of it anyway. I have high hopes for this partnership.

Natalie and Jonathan: Jazz. I was really reluctant to like this, but how could I resist? It was a bundle of joy! A delicious confection! Natalie and Jonathan’s chemistry and commitment to their characters in this cutesypoo routine totally sold it. Excellent choreo from Blake McGrath. Natalie was fantastic, Jonathan was good. Jean Marc gave Jonathan an ACTUAL critique and the audience booed him but I yayed him. Let’s have more of that.

Your guest judges are Rex Harrington and Stacey Tookey, who looks like Olivia Newton John circa 1982 tonight. Jean-Marc helpfully explains that the judges eliminate the bottommost dancers in terms of votes, except when they don’t. CLEARED UP. Except that they eliminated Julia and Jera over Kirsten and Jesse, so never mind, it still doesn’t make sense.

Claudia and Edgar: mambo. A very strong opening number by Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas; Claudia was exactly on point, as you would expect given her background. Edgar was very strong, maybe not as near-perfect as the judges might have one expect (he came across as a bit hyper at a couple of moments, which goes against the suave undercurrent of control a good mambo requires), but certainly a very strong outing from a non-ballroomer in this format. Great start. Jean-Marc puts on oven mitts because they were hot. Shut up, Jean-Marc.

Natalie and McKenzie: contemporary. As contemporary dances go, this was one of them. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing I’ll remember in two months’ time. McKenzie is the most boring human being alive. Technically accomplished like crazy, yes, but still the most boring human being alive.

Amanda and Denys: house. You might think Denys is in fact the most boring human being alive, but he is so naturally boring that he goes right around the tail end again and winds up being interesting. This was… further evidence of the diminishing returns for house on this show? The first with Lisa and Vincent in season 1 is a classic routine, the second with Tara-Jean and Vincent was decent, and this was… okay, I guess. Clearly difficult, with more floorwork than either of Sho-Tyme’s previous house routines, but not as entertaining as either of the previous ones. But Amanda and Denys were perfectly decent in it. Jean-Marc drags out a deed to a “house” because now he is the Carrot Top of SYTYCD judges.

Charmaine and Jeff: jazz. CHEESEMAN~! delivers the goods with a clever routine that I quite liked, and Charmaine and Jeff danced it excellently with one exception, which was that for both their big lifts, the ending was a bit clumsy. Only a bit, though, so this is more of a quibble than a complaint. These two have really recovered quite nicely from a terrible week one.

Janick and Shavar: contemporary. Mandy Moore goes to the table yet again. Get a new schtick, Mandy Moore. Anyway. This was okay and totally forgettable except for Shavar’s lines, which were… not great, really. I thought his performance was a bit stiff as well, but he’s performed better in jazz prior to this so I’m not sure what went wrong here. He wasn’t bad; he was the very lowest end of decent, performing as you would expect him to perform and not surpassing that. Janick was fine.

Danielle and Quirky Sebastian: hip-hop. You can see where this was going to be a good Luther routine and you can see how many levels of bad it was instead. Danielle would have been on the low end of tolerable if she was dancing with a partner who could take some of the spotlight off her, but unfortunately she had to be the showcase side of the partnership because Sebastian was just awful in this, like godawful terrible bad. The worst bit (other than the judges falling over themselves to suggest that Danielle and Sebastian brought “their own style” to it) is that they’re so popular that they have good odds to make it through to next week.

Kirsten and Jesse: rumba. Judges severely tonguebathed this, and if the entire thing had been like the first twenty seconds I would probably be there with them, but unfortunately the routine continued after that first twenty seconds and the rest of it was weak sauce; lifts I can only describe as tentative and shaky and visible nerves on the part of the performers as a result. The judges really, really love Jesse, for reasons I don’t understand because he has consistently failed to impress.

Orangina and Jonathan: “new disco.” Oh lord please somebody make this supposedly new genre stop: SYTYCD Australia did it two years ago, except they were honest enough to just call it jazz with some disco moves. Jonathan and Kloe both danced it well enough, I guess: weak transitions into the stunts, but I’m not sure how much that was them and how much that was Melissa Williams’ ever-mediocre choreography.

Probable bottom three: Kirsten and Jesse, Danielle and Sebastian, Kloe and Jonathan.
Should go home: Kloe and Jesse.
Will go home: Kirsten and Jesse.

Your guest judges tonight are Blake and Melissa Williams, who is dubbed “the queen of new disco.” (As opposed to “the queen of taking themed jazz choreography and coming up with a new name for it,” I guess.)

Amanda and Denys: “the dreaded quickstep.” Because apparently nobody is allowed to just call it “quickstep” any longer. Now and forever, it is dreaded, despite the fact that there have easily been far more bad krumps and foxtrots in SYTYCD history then there have been bad quicksteps. All of that having been said, this was a perfectly entertaining quickstep by TonyNMelanie, although I thought the bit where they tried to mix in a bit of twist-and-shake while still in closed hold looked clumsy. Very well executed other than that bit, though; Denys nailed it as predictably as one would expect, and Amanda pairs with him very well.

Janick and Shavar: hip-hop. Janick got insane props for her performance in this bit of Luther choreo which I felt weren’t entirely deserved; she was good but not great, especially considering how average her first half was. But she finished strong. Shavar was ridiculously good at this the entire way through, which was both to be expected and still a pleasant surprise given how people can underperform in their genres all too frequently. This is basically a lot of words to say that although not all of the judges’ hyperbole was warranted, quite a bit of it was.

Julia and Jesse: contemporary. Hey, did anybody read that thing in the New York Times this weekend which totally dissed “SYTYCD contemporary” for being shallow and predictable? Anyway, Stacey Tookey or no, I would like to request a one-year moratorium on SYTYCD routines themed after Romeo and Juliet, because enough already with that stuff. Anyway, bluntly: Jesse just doesn’t have stage presence yet. Julia has heaps of it, but you can’t dance a duet by yourself. And that is what mattered here. When judges on this show are all “Jesse, we hoped for better” – even Jean-Marc – you know you’ve missed the mark.

Charlene and Jeff: hustle. This was really entertaining and a surprise for that reason, since I wasn’t expecting it after their bad jive from week one. I think I actually would have preferred that it be set to music that was a bit more uptempo, just because the relaxed, groovy song actually made the movements feel a bit slower than they were. But: very good partnering, excellent work on difficult lifts, and they mastered the spins and groundwork which were arguably more difficult (and less showy) quite nicely. This was very good.

Natalie and Mackenzie: cha cha. Oddly enough, Jean-Marc remembered that he was a ballroom expert and thus actually managed to point out what none of the other judges did: namely, that Mackenzie danced this for crap. No form, no Latin bounce, no nothing. Having seen what Gustavo MOTHERFUCKING Vargas does with a cha-cha previously over two seasons, this was easily the most basic thing he’s ever choreo’d (one big lift, no terribly difficult floorwork) and Mackenzie still danced it badly. Natalie was okay, but given the simplicity of the routine I’m not impressed. Weak sauce.

Danielle and Sebastian: contemporary. Wait, Danielle not only has scar tissue on her lungs but also she’s dyslexic too? Damn, sometimes the universe just does not like you. Anyway. Judges fall all over themselves to praise a routine ostensibly about anorexia which, had we not been told beforehand it was about anorexia, could have been about anything. That Times article I mentioned which condemned “SYTYCD contemporary” for being formulaic? This. Nothing wrong with it, other than it was boring and pointless. (Blake refers to anorexia as “controversial” which – what?)

Kirsten and Jera: hip-hop. “90s-style” is apparently an official subgenre on this show now. I am fine with this. I am not so fine with the dancing here. Kirsten’s dancing was… often not good. Jera’s dancing was better, but he had this horrific Howdy Doody grin plastered on his face the whole way through which didn’t seem cheerful and upbeat so much as it screamed “serial killer trying to play it cool.” Also, Leah Miller has stop doing every intro explaining how the dancers are out of genre because ninety percent of them are contemporary dancers so they’ll almost always be out of genre period.

Claudia and Edgar: jazz. Clunky, mostly because of Claudia – although I think Edgar escaped a small bit of blame that he might otherwise have deserved, because the reason it was so clunky were the transitions from move to move being so obvious and jarring, and that can’t be put entirely on Claudia. Not the worst of the night, but I think they’re bottom three.

Orangina and Jonathan: West Coast swing. I actually really liked Benji’s choreo (the first third of it was really very traditional WCS, except for the music, and the first lift sequence was absolutely brilliant), but it mostly confirmed what I’ve suspected for the past couple of weeks: Jonathan is the real strength in this pairing and Kloe is, well, not. He handled his half, she didn’t. Just that simple.

Probable bottom three: Claudia and Edgar, Julia and Jesse, Natalie and Mackenzie.
Should go home: Claudia and Jesse.
Will go home: Claudia and Jesse.

Your guest hosts are Luther (again – is he permanent now? I hope not) and Mia Michaels. Enough with the Americans already! Bring back Karen Kain!

Bree and Edgar: dancehall. Second week Bree and Edgar have gotten an urban style, second week it’s been very good, second week Bree has gotten a lot of praise for being merely solid. (Then again, “solid” on this version of SYTYCD is generally better than any other iteration’s “good,” so.) I didn’t quite like this Jaeblaze dancehall as much as the one she choreo’d last year, but this was very enjoyable and a good opener to the show.

Amanda and Denys: contemporary. Perfectly decent routine which was elevated by the dancers’ performances; Denys and Amanda have really good chemistry, and Denys’ stoneface evaporates when he dances in a way that’s really interesting to see. Even though Denys has contemporary training, his extensions are a bit… odd? Not in a bad way, but you can definitely see the ballroominess of his movements, I think. But whatever, this was really impressive.

Kirsten and Jera: paso doble. Oh, dear, Jera’s scowlyface. Francis and Natalli had some really spectacular paso choreography – I mean, seriously great stuff – and the dancing, while not world-class, was certainly very decent, especially considering the difficulty level involved. (That final lift into a backbreaker – what the hell.) But Jera’s scowlyface was so ridiculous-looking as to be parodic, and that’s distracting.

Natalie and Mackenzie: hip-hop. This actually felt like a bit of a house-style crossover, which given that it’s Sho-Tyme choreo isn’t surprising. This was really difficult choreo – and obviously difficult choreo – and Natalie and Mackenzie didn’t quite make it look effortless but they looked good doing the steps and more importantly looked like hip-hop dancers rather than contemporary dancers. Mackenzie was perhaps a bit more comfortable with the footwork than Natalie was, but both were strong.

Claudia and Yonni: foxtrot. This was a daring experiment that went horribly wrong: a slow, dreamy foxtrot set to “Telephone” by Lady Gaga, which is an upbeat song and thus made the entire dance look five times slower than it in fact was (and it was already a slow foxtrot). Naturally, Mia blames the dancers, including Yonni, who has never danced foxtrot in his entire life but hey salsa and foxtrot are both “ballroom” (even though Latin dance and competitive ballroom have very little in common) so he should know how to do that, right? Shut up, Mia. Yonni and Claudia were both perfectly okay dancing this bad idea.

Charmaine and Jeff: contemporary. Your standard Stacey Tookey moment of brilliance with Jeff and Charlene in their element. That is all.

Julia and Jesse: samba. I think I know why TonyNMelanie keeping getting to do choreo for this show despite usually being boring as all hell: they’re very good at isolating the various elements of a Latin dance, which makes it easier to judge a dancer on their merits at performing those various elements. Julia: of course very strong. Jesse: good hip action, but still stiff in the upper body and his work in the paired samba roll was dreadful. Overall routine: boring, as expected.

Danielle and Sebastian: theatre. The judges loved this and I… did not. I thought Sean Cheeseman’s choreography was great (which makes me sound like a judge! “It wasn’t the choreographer’s fault!”), but Sebastian and Danielle both looked clumsy to me: he was falling out of his pirouettes ahead of beat, she stumbled more than a couple of times, and the unison sections were frequently, well, non-united. I thought Danielle’s performance quality in terms of embodying the character was strong, Sebastian less so. Jean-Marc busts out “VID” again because it is the Worst Catchphrase In The World.

Janick and Shevar: krump. L’il C calls himself a “warriographer” about a dozen times (claiming that he just came up with it, uh huh sure whatever L’il C). Janick was very bad in this, I mean holy crap levels of bad. After seeing all the other contemporary dancers tonight nail their hip-hop numbers, Janick was just not up to snuff by any reasonable standard; the force behind her moves was not there and there was no swag in her step at all. Shevar was good. Not great, but certainly capable, and he had the attitude at least.

Kloe and Jonathan: jazz. In the video package Kloe reveals that her nickname is “Orangina” because she routinely wears too much bronzer, and it’s like piercing the veil because, as a guy, now that she has pointed it out I cannot stop noticing it and the entire routine was “god, she’s so orange.” I was lukewarm on Blake’s choreo here; it just felt very standard, somehow. But Kloe and Jonathan danced it well enough and should be safe.

Probable bottom three: Claudia and Yonni, Julia and Jesse, Kirsten and Jera.
Should go home: Kirsten and Jesse.
Will go home: Claudia and Yonni.

I know this season has a buttload of contemporary dancers (nine girls and seven guys out of 22), and this is something I have complained about previously when discussing SYTCYD. On the bright side, though, Canadian dancers crosstrain more than average. So there is that, at least.

Kirsten and Jera: contemporary. This was a perfectly decent opener for the season, entirely pleasant and entirely unmemorable. Honestly, I am striving to remember anything at all about it now. I know they danced and I remember quite liking their lines. That will have to do. I’m not even sure if it was first. I think it was first.

Claudia and Yonni: salsa. TonyNMelanie make their return to SYTYCDCA with a truly blah piece of salsa choreo, all the more unforgivable because Yonni and Claudia are both Latin ballroom dancers; the tricks could have been far more fluid and I’m one hundred percent sure that Yonni and Claudia could have nailed it as easily as they nailed this piece of ugly choreo.

Amanda and Denys: tango. Amanda’s legs are insane and they go on forever. It’s almost inhuman. She wobbled a bit early on in this – clearly not that experienced at dancing in heels – but recovered nicely immediately after and was rock-solid throughout the rest of the routine. Denys was ridiculously good, as you would expect him to be with this right in his wheelhouse.

Kloe and Jonathan: hip-hop. Kloe was very, very rigid through this entire (quite decent) routine by Sho-Tyme. No flow at all. Jonathan was better; his lower body got into the groove quite well, but his upper body was a bit too loosey-goosey and he wasn’t hitting his releases on the arm movements nearly as hard as he could have done. Still, since the routine was pretty step-centric he still came off quite well.

Charmaine and Jeff: jive. And that’s what happens when you blow a big move and can’t recover from it. Charmaine made an effort, at least; Jeff just collapsed and didn’t find himself until the end of the dance. In fairness, having an uptempo jive married to a “soldier has to abandon his girlfriend to go off to war” storyline is kind of weird to begin with, but they really didn’t come up to par at all.

Danielle and Sebastian: Bollywood. This seemed like a really, really simple routine – just all sorts of basic – and everybody knows choreographers will dumb down routines when dancers can’t handle the steps involved, but how much was involved here? Sebastian calls himself “quirky” about seven thousand times and then the judges all call him “quirky” and then Leah Miller calls him “quirky” and I never want to hear the word ever again, because Sebastian seems like a decent person other than this one really annoying affectation.

Janick and Shavar: afrojazz. Very solid work here as CHEESEMAN~! brings the goods, as he is wont to do. When Janick and Shavar were dancing in unison or on their own, they were just excellent; the only stumbles came on the lifts, where Shavar looked a bit tentative bringing Janick up and the pauses were noticeable. Still, better that he execute them well and a bit offbeat than badly, I suppose.

Julia and Jesse: “new disco.” Once again Melissa Williams tries to invent a new genre and once again it’s just jazz dance with a few imported moves (in this case, disco) and once again her choreography is thoroughly disappointing; we’re now in three years of her choreographing for the show and I can’t think of one piece of hers that’s been more than tolerable. Julia owned her performance, though; she has stage presence to spare. Jesse… not so much, not yet.

Natalie and McKenzie: Viennese waltz. This was very nice. I’m not going to go further than “very nice,” but it was definitely that thing. McKenzie’s rise and fall could be a little more pronounced, and their backs could have been firmer in closed position, but on the whole this was perfectly acceptable dancing.

Bree and Edgar: hip-hop. Ah, yes, Canadian hip-hop, where we can grind it hardcore on stage. Edgar absolutely killed this, every single bit of it. Bree was fully committed, and although she doesn’t have Edgar’s hip-hop technique she definitely made up for it with sheer effort. Jean-Marc busts out the “V.I.D.” catchphrase which nobody in the entire universe likes. Stop it, Jean-Marc.

Shelaina Special Substitute Tara-Jean and Hani: jazz. Shelaina tragically broke her foot and, barring some sort of voodoo miracle, is gone tomorrow night without even getting to perform, which probably means they’ll pull a Billy Bell for her next year and let her try to make top 20 again. Tara-Jean is even better than she was last year, which is the way of things. Hani was very good and should be safe.

Probable bottom three: Charmaine and Jeff, Danielle and Sebastian, Julia and Jesse.
Should go home: Shelaina and Jeff.
Will go home: Shelaina and Jeff.

…well, the ones that weren’t to music by Warner Music Group, anyway. which is a shame because Warner’s Youtube boycott kills most of the great ballroom and also Justin Johnson’s mindblowing tap solo. (That having been said: trust me, watch to the end. The last one in particular is mindblowingly awesome.)

JR (second) reminds me in style astoundingly of Twitch.

Aw Shucks and All-Star Lauren: Bollywood. Judges’ tonguebath, as usual; this did not earn it. Not a terrible routine, certainly, but Kent’s dancing was not “finalist” quality here: his arms, especially in the second half of it, looked awkward – particularly in comparison to Lauren, who hit her moves precisely. Also, dork-face, as usual. His legwork was excellent, though, so all due consideration for that. Even so: not quite good enough for a finalist.

Lauren and All-Star Twitch: hip-hop. I really wish this routine had done more with the podiums: that was clever choreo while they were behind it. Anyway, this was basically the same as Lauren’s last hip-hop routine with Twitch: not as good as Twitch, because who is, but very strong and certainly above par for someone with not a lot of experience in the genre. (Of course at this point the show quite obviously only gives hip-hop routines to finalists who can actually dance it, so no surprise that Lauren got it.)

Robert and All-Star Mark: jazz. A rare misfire for Tasty doing jazz (as opposed to the routine misfire that is Tasty doing Broadway). This just felt very boring and basic to me: no feeling of an overall routine, lacking the feel of anything more than steps following steps. Robert danced it quite well, though. So good for him.

Robert and Lauren: contemporary. When I talk about “finalist quality,” this is the sort of thing I mean. Lovely.

Aw Shucks and Lauren: jazz. Oh my god that is the worst thing I think Mandy Moore has ever choreo’d for this show, and she has had more than a few clunkers. Even the Kent-screaming audience were completely unimpressed: that is how bad this was. Nigel actually called out Mandy Moore for sucking, which I did not think was humanly possible.

Aw Shucks and All-Star Allison: contemporary. Perfectly good contemporary routine. I didn’t lurve it as much as the judges – I think Stacey Tookey has done better – but it was a good routine and Kent danced it quite well, with the only exception being his goggle-eyes; he managed to get rid of the Aw Shucks mouth for this, and most of the expression, but was wide-eyed throughout, which detracted a bit for me. But only a bit, because he did dance this well.

Robert and All-Star Kathryn: Broadway. Boy, they sure are stretching Robert tonight, huh? Snark aside, he absolutely nailed this: his performance was flawless, much like everything else tonight. Simply put: Robert is peaking at the right moment. He has a very small chance to win, which previously I would not have given him.

Lauren and All-Star Pasha: cha cha. Very good performance from Lauren here, although she visibly missed handholds at least twice and Pasha had to overreach to compensate. Other than that, though, this was a very good piece of work from Lauren. Not quite as good as Kathryn last year doing her ballroom routines with Ryan (despite Nigel’s claims otherwise), but very good indeed, and the only time this entire season that Pasha has actually had a partner working on par with him.

Robert and Kent: malevos. This was achingly bad; it looked like stuntmen doing a bad job of work, not a dance. Neither Robert nor Kent looked comfortable, not even a little bit, and even with choreo that gave them the chance to lean on their classically trained backgrounds they still looked bad. Ugh. Kent’s had such a bad night; previously I thought he had this in the bag, but I think he’s actually performed poorly enough tonight that Lauren can snag it.

Final order should be: 1.) Lauren 2.) Robert 3.) Kent
Final order will be: 1.) Lauren 2.) Kent 3.) Robert

(Now bring on the Canadians already!)

Aw Shucks and All-Star Anya: cha cha. Anya’s makeup is horrendous. Kent started dancing this with some genuine Latin flavour and then suddenly it just all went away as he stopped dancing from his hips, which is disappointing because there have been many more cha chas on SYTCYD which have been far more complex than this one. He also really fucked up that last final big lift by not letting Anya down easily. Mia complains that Kent still has dorkface, to which Kent basically says “but I like having dorkface.”

Robert and All-Star Kathryn: contemporary. Nice little reversal by Stacey Tookey having the girl be the going-away soldier rather than the guy. Anyway, this was quite excellent, and really the biggest single justification for the All-Star concept is getting to see Kathryn dance basically every week, as she is probably the dancer most unfairly excluded from the finals in the show’s history and is awesome. Robert was good in his usual forgettable way. This was good. Really, I don’t have much else to say here.

Adechike and All-Star Courtney: jazz. This was great fun, not least because I can’t recall at present the last time a jazz routine was actually danced to jazz music on this show. Adechike outdanced his partner for what I think is the first time all season, continuing his general trend of steady improvement. Inventive choreo from Tasty, too.

Not Legacy and All-Star Comfort: hip-hop. So that’s two-for-two with Jose dancing hip-hop with Comfort and not doing it very well, which is doubly bad because Comfort, unsurprisingly, nailed it. Nigel explains that Jose hasn’t been in the group routines because Jose has injured his groin, which makes this approximately four billion injuries this season.

Lauren and All-Star Allison: Broadway. Oh, Tasty Oreo, why must your Broadway choreo be so boring? It’s like the moment somebody says “imagine this is on a stage in New York City” he turns into Dark Tasty. Anyway. Predictable, unremarkable choreography, danced very well, which was expected.

Billy and All-Star Ade: contemporary. Ade only did two big lifts in this routine. I believe that is a record low for him. Genuinely fantastic work from all concerned; Billy hits his high point with this. Stacey Tookey is having an excellent night, isn’t she? Nigel explains that not eliminating injured Billy last week was the right call. Ashley, sitting somewhere else, swears at him.

Aw Shucks and Not Legacy: Broadway. Kent’s dorkface was in full display here, which was really the only complaint one can make about his dancing. Jose was honestly quite good as well, not as good as Kent was, but of course this was quite in Kent’s wheelhouse and not in Jose’s. (Jose’s wheelhouse is basically nonexistent.) Jose genuinely is improving as a dancer all around; now he’s at the point where other dancers get eliminated from the top 20 in the first week. Spencer Liff’s Broadway is about ten thousand times better than Tasty’s.

Lauren and Adechike: foxtrot. Finally a foxtrot! And… not a very good one, to be honest. Lauren postroutine looks like she is going to collapse, and if Lauren has to leave the show because of an injury then I am just not gonna watch the rest of this season because whoever wins (IE, Kent) will have basically an asterisk over their victory forever, because they didn’t beat Alex, Ashley OR Lauren.

Billy and Robert: Bollywood. Boy I sure am glad Billy’s knee injury healed up totally after one week so he could dance this. It is like a miracle! (No, not really. He was limping afterwards.) The dance was good; I think Bollywood routines get overpraised because the judges don’t really know how to judge them, and this is no exception, but it was fun and there have been many worse Bollywood dances on the show.

Should go home: Jose and Robert.
Will go home: Jose and Adechike.

Kenny Ortega is your special guest judge, and he’s quite nice! Replacing nobody, however. Also, this week Billy is injured, which is three weeks straight with an injury. Some have suggested that the routines are getting too athletically intense in the pursuit of spectacle; at this point I am undecided, but noting that Alex tore his ACL after doing what essentially amounted to a throwaway double split jump is certainly evidence in favour.

Lauren and All-Star Twitch: hip-hop. This was very solid. To be sure, Twitch outdanced Lauren, but that’s more or less the problem with this entire format, isn’t it? At least Twitch didn’t outdance Lauren badly; she performed quite well – maybe lacking a bit of flavour in the first fifteen seconds or so, but after that she found her groove and stuck to it quite nicely.

Not Legacy and All-Star Allison: contemporary. You know what? This was genuinely quite decent. Not great, and certainly Allison outdanced Jose. But decent; Jose’s partnering was definitely the best he’s been all season, and his dancing, while still rudimentary, was fully realized and felt organic. So naturally, after weeks of him dancing weakly, the judges just shit all over him for not having technique and doing “pedestrian contemporary” when every single dancer on this show ever who is not named Alex Wong has had pieces tailored to their skill level in every given genre. Seriously, judges.

Robert and All-Star Lauren: jazz. Tasty’s jazz is so much better than his Broadway. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s never not true. This was perfectly good dancing in a sort of not-very-noteworthy way; not quite as sexy as perhaps the judges sold it, but it was good. Nobody will remember it in three weeks or so, but good.

Aw Shucks and All-Star Kathryn: jazz. I didn’t like this. Not for the quality of the dancing, which was fine; I didn’t like it because it felt like Sonya’s trashbag of every move she wasn’t able to fit into a routine, all stuffed together into a frenetic uptempo song. (And I like Janelle Monae.) Mia calls out Kent’s aw-shucks face, which should have happened weeks and weeks ago. Of course it doesn’t matter because Kent is most likely going to win now.

Adechike and All-Star Comfort: hip-hop. Adechike fucking murdered his role here. I think this was more lyrical than hip-hop, but whatever; this was just really good. Tabitha and Napoleon are really being consistently good this season after a couple of dreadful years; one suspects it’s because they actually get to work with actual hip-hop dancers.

Lauren and Robert: samba. A pretty solid performance, albeit not deserving of all the compliments it got; if either would have been paired with Pasha/Anya they would have looked less able, but the general level of talent didn’t create a disparity here. That having been said: Lauren was better than Robert, but only somewhat and not so much so that Robert wasn’t good. Perfectly acceptable dancing.

Not Legacy and Adechike: paso doble. An all-male paso is actually really apropos, and the general concept of the choreography worked for me (although I would have liked the “battle” portion of the choreo to be more extended than the pre-fight posing portion), but Jose was in his usual form, which is to say not good enough; just the opposite of fluid in his movement, so that “stiff” isn’t enough. Adechike was impressive.

Kent and Billy Substitute Twitch: stepping. Kent is the whitest person alive today. Kent is so white he makes Sarah Palin look like Oprah Winfrey. Kent is so white he shits marshmallows. Kent is so white when he’s in the Arctic polar bears can’t see him. Kent is so white that when he wears a red hat people mistake him for an ambulance. Kent is so white he sweats two percent milk. Kent is so white that he didn’t dance this very well at all. Kent is so white and he’s still probably going to win.

Bottom three should be: Billy, Jose, Kent.
Bottom three will be: Billy, Jose, Adechike.
Should go home: Jose.
Will go home: Jose.