My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.
5
May
In no particular order:
A PEOPLE’S HISTORY OF AMERICAN EMPIRE BY HOWARD ZINN: I haven’t seen anybody on the comical interwebs really discuss this at all, but I picked it up yesterday and it’s really very good; it’s meant to be a more easily read and accessible version of Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States and mostly succeeds. It’s not funny or cute, but it’s compelling and hits its points thoroughly, and the occasional divergences into sorta-memoir by Zinn (acting as the book’s narrator) give it a nice personal touch. Also, it’s pretty cheap considering the size of the book. Recommended. (SPOILER: Woodrow Wilson is a Skrull.)
IRON MAN THE MOVIE: Excellent, probably better than any superhero movie in recent memory other than maybe Batman Begins. By this point you’ve already read at least two dozen glowing reviews all saying the same things, so I will simply add my two cents and mention that what far and away got the most enthusiastic reception out of my audience was Tony Stark’s robots in his lab – biggest laughs, biggest cheers, biggest “wows” all went to Tony, in his lab, building the suit with the funny robots. This continues to confirm my theory that the best superhero movies have some form of comic relief in them, usually a sidekick, or as I like to call it, Alfred-Gets-All-The-Best-Lines-Syndrome.
DC UNIVERSE NUMBER ZERO: I wouldn’t have paid fifty cents for what’s essentially an advertising flyer even if it is written by Grant Morrison, but I got a copy for free. And… it’s an advertising flyer written by Grant Morrison. Worse, it’s an advertising flyer that’s really, really bad at advertising its product to the supposed new readers to which a comic sampler thingy like this should be advertising. If I had no idea what was going on in the comics, this sampler thing would not help in the slightest. Heck, I read some issues of Grant Morrison’s Batman and I’m still not sure what “Batman, RIP” is about, other than the obvious. Ditto the Wonder Woman thing. And I only understand the “Legion of Three Worlds” teaser because I’m a giant DC nerd; were I not, it would be as impenetrable as all the rest, albeit with George Perez art making it at least tolerable.
BRINGING BACK BARRY ALLEN: My word, it’s like comics are being written by and for people essentially opposed to change!
Incidentally, on a related note, will people stop saying things like “the new storytelling model on Flash is terrible and doesn’t work?” Because it’s not true; it’s a direct lift from The Incredibles, which is one of the best and most successful superhero movies ever, and if you’re going to argue otherwise then tell me with a straight face that you would skip Return of the Incredibles, Trial of the Incredibles and The Incredibles Versus The New Superions. The new concept on Flash is just fine, and honestly it’s not like the comics post-Wally’s-return have been bad; they’re just tainted by DC completely mishandling the franchise for the better part of a year and a half. “Wally And His Super Family” is a good idea.
(People seem to forget that Flash: The Fastest Man Alive was easily one of the worst single runs of comics in the last decade if not longer: mean-spirited, incoherent, ugly, boring and just the antithesis of fun. Fans were stoked for a new, bold reign on Flash, which is why the debut sold so high, and then they dropped it in droves because it was total dogshit. I’d say it’s now the textbook example of how to actively destroy a fanbase.)
SATURN GIRL TALKING DIRTY: A minor kerfuffle over this at Chris Sims’ joint, where some people said “god, that’s creepy” and other people said “wait, a girl expressing sexual desire is creepy?” Which of course misses the point, because it’s a superhero comic which is ostensibly marketed to all ages last I checked, even if that’s only a convenient fiction at this point in time, and in an all-ages work of fiction, yes, it’s a little bit creepy, because even if it is PG-ish in actual vocabulary it’s R-ish in spirit.
Let me put it this way: if ostensibly romantic dialogue would sound creepy in, say, an episode of Gilmore Girls, it will probably be somewhat out of place in a superhero funnybook. That’s all I’m saying.
SECRET INVASION: So far, so good. Yes, it’s a wildly silly concept that requires a lot of handwaving to work (I particularly appreciated the scene in New Avengers where the Skrulls explained their newfound ability to transform and be totally undetectable by any means available with a short speech basically summing up with “well, we used science a lot!”), but so what, these are superhero comics and the point of the sausage is not how is it made, but that it is delicious with mustard. And Secret Invasion thus far is hitting what it needs to hit, which is little green men invading in dangerously sneaky ways and creating an enjoyably paranoid atmosphere.
1
May
Every Thursday, mightygodking.com returns to the pages of Who’s Who, the classic 1980s DC comic book encyclopedia of their characters. Every week, a character shall be judged on the only scale scientific enough that matters: the Rex The Wonder Dog scale of fantasticosity.
See, once upon a time, Kana would have been all right. When he first arrived on the scene, ninjas were a novelty. There was no American Ninja, no Shinobi video game for the Sega Genesis (and indeed no Sega Genesis), not even a Storm Shadow or Shredder. Kana is a refugee from a simpler time, when men were men and women were women and ninjas were ninjas and dammit, that was enough.
Unfortunately, just because he’s old school doesn’t really make him very interesting. Kana is perhaps the most generic ninja character of all time. The stereotypical ninja origin – he has an oath of vengeance! (Which, curiously, he carries out by being an agent for the West, which really doesn’t make any sense when you think about it for more than two seconds.) Look at his “powers” – the most generic set of ninja abilities ever created. Good with weapons! Hides in shadows! Can meditate! Boy all of this is really fascinatzzzzzzzzz.
The reason nobody knows what happened to Kana is because nobody cares. Or perhaps, more accurately, Kana is so boring that we in fact do know, but nobody can be bothered to tell the story. “Yeah, he did some ninja stuff for a while. Then he opened a dojo and taught ninja stuff to young ninjas.” (It would have been a car wash, but a car wash would be in its own small way interesting and distinctive, so Kana would have none of that. If there isn’t a bamboo mat involved for him to meditate upon and a bowl of rice at the end of the day, he’s not interested.)
But in his own way, Kana is a throwback. Kana is the product of a time when ninjas were the new, the perfect example of cultural exploration at a time when risotto and hummus and reggae and General Tso Chicken were all considered daring and risque novelties of the Other Part Of The World. Back then, he didn’t need to be anything more than a ninja. And that’s kind of cool, in a way.
“Generic ninja” is a flat twenty-five percent, but Kana gets bumped up a bit for being the definitive generic ninja, if you will.
30
Apr
SCENE: A nearly-deserted parking lot. BARACK OBAMA enters from the right side of the screen.
BARACK OBAMA: Hi. I’m Barack Obama, and you probably know I’m running for President. Recently, Hillary Clinton and John McCain have both attacked me over my refusal to remove the gas tax. They say I’m not responsive to the needs of working-class Americans. So I thought I’d just tell you what the real deal is.
OBAMA points on his left side, and a BIG VERTICAL YELLOW BAR shows up. On it, in black, is printed 84.5 MILLION BARRELS PER DAY.
BARACK OBAMA: Now this here is how much oil the world produces every day. Eighty-four million barrels.
He points on his right side, and a BIG VERTICAL BLUE BAR shows up. On it, in black, is printed 84.2 MILLION BARRELS PER DAY.
BARACK OBAMA: And this is how much oil the world uses every day. You can see we use just about everything we can find now, and the problem is that now, we’re at the point where there isn’t enough oil to go around.
The bars disappear. A series of pictures of HIGH GAS PRICES at gas stations appears.
BARACK OBAMA: It’s a pretty simple concept: when there isn’t enough of something to go around, that something gets more expensive until enough people can’t afford to buy it any more, so the supply problem goes away.
Cut back to OBAMA.
BARACK OBAMA: But here’s the thing: if we get rid of the gas tax, that doesn’t make more oil, and the oil companies are still gonna have to set their prices to the point where enough people aren’t buying gas so they can supply everyone who afford it. Getting rid of the gas tax just means we’re letting oil companies pay less taxes. It’s not going to help you at the pump.
A series of pictures of BUSES AND SUBWAYS and things.
BARACK OBAMA: We can’t make more oil appear, but we can invest in renewable resources, in public transit, and if we do that, we can reduce demand, and reduce oil prices that way.
Cut back to OBAMA.
BARACK OBAMA: It’s really simple. Which makes you wonder why Hillary Clinton and John McCain don’t think you can understand it. My name is Barack Obama, and I approve this message.
30
Apr
A new thing by me and fellow Torontoist-ist Patrick Metzger, debating the properness of Ontario Human Rights Commissioner Barbara Hall’s condemnation of Maclean’s for publishing an excerpt of Mark Steyn’s shitpile book America Alone is up at Torontoist.
For those interested in more background information, Johann Hari’s excellent review goes into more depth on the book, Barbara Hall’s statement is here, and Maclean’s diatribe is here.
As regards Steyn, I will say this:
Maclean’s calls Steyn “one of Canada’s most celebrated journalists.” If I was going to compile a list of Canada’s most celebrated journalists, Steyn doesn’t even make top ten, for starters. Let’s be blunt, here: Mark Steyn is a creature of the right wing who owes much of his success to their patronage. (In fairness, Steyn does indeed possess a natural talent for comic writing, but sadly lacks any skill at analysis whatsoever, making his work read much like a dumbed-down version of P.J. O’Rourke.)
America Alone spent one week on the New York Times bestseller list (week of November 5th – it placed fourteenth). It is worth noting that Steyn’s book was published by Regnery Publishing, which routinely all but gives away its books to conservative book clubs (including the Conservative Book Club, owned by Eagle Publishing, the same conservative media group which owns Regnery) in order to both evangelically spread the right-wing message and to inflate sales of the book (only one dollar at the Conservative Book Club, by the way). Steyn of course is predictably against subsidizing culture, at least when it’s government doing it. (Warning: Steyn’s column on C-50 is, much like his larger body of work, witty without actually being knowledgeable about the situation at hand.)
Of course, even if we ignore the papering of the sales of Steyn’s book, his “bestselling book” got one week at a low position on the NYT bestseller list, two months after its release, which frequently implies a release of all collected sales figures by the publisher to the list.
In short: calling Mark Steyn a bestselling author is kind of like calling Mario Mendoza a professional baseball player: it’s true, but if you’re gonna brag, there are better ways to do it.
29
Apr
Did you know you can run your car on water? It’s true! Just send me $500 and I will send you a kit explaining the miracle of oxyhydrogen, also known as “Brown’s Gas,” and you will never again have to worry about fueling up! This miracle fuel which in no way violates the laws of thermodynamics will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
Ha, ha, just kidding! You’re too smart to fall for something like that, and if you send me $25 I will send you a pamphlet explaining exactly why you were so right and smart to immediately dismiss this as a scam, despite the little talking model person in the bottom of the screen.
If you send me an additional fifty dollars, I will also explain why oil prices will not drop significantly until it no longer matters to you that they have dropped. These are bargains, people!
29
Apr
28
Apr
My weekly TV column is up at Torontoist.
28
Apr
Via Junkyard Clubhouse, I discovered this site filled with image captures from a 1979 church-group cookbook, and after having looked through the (really disgusting) recipes, I have a question.
A lot of the recipes seem to combine Jell-O and pineapple. But I thought pineapple was, like, the thing you couldn’t combine with Jell-O? Because of some acid or chemical or something in the pineapple that prevents gelatin from setting?
Am I wrong about this? Is this just erroneous conventional folk wisdom? Please inform me, people! This is rocking my world!
28
Apr
SCENE: A STUDIO BIGWIG and his three JUNIOR EXECUTIVES sit at a table.
BIGWIG: All right. As you know, today is Number Two’s birthday. Do not giggle, Number One.
FIRST JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: …but… so funny…
THIRD JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: Deep breaths. Come on.
BIGWIG: Yes. As it is his birthday, and I have an opening in my slate – don’t giggle, Number One –
FIRST: Aw.
BIGWIG: Ahem. As it is his birthday, we are going to allow him to pitch an idea wholly and entirely on his own, and after we work it through, we will make it. Are you ready, Two?
SECOND JUNIOR EXECUTIVE: I am pumped and primed and ready to go, sir.
BIGWIG: Good. Hit me.
SECOND: So there’s this whore –
THIRD: Oh, come on!
BIGWIG: Now, now, Three. We don’t interrupt. Remember your last birthday, we didn’t interrupt you, and what did you end up getting me to greenlight?
THIRD: Lars and the Real Girl.
BIGWIG: Do you remember how hard it was to keep Two from interrupting? So now you will be quiet. It is his turn.
SECOND: Thank you, sir.
BIGWIG: Not at all. Continue.
SECOND: So there’s this whore, and she’s turns twenty-seven, so she’s too worn out to be a quality prostitute like guys like.
BIGWIG: …is this a character detail, or…?
SECOND: Oh, no, no. This motivates the plot.
BIGWIG: Ah. And this is a drama, I take it?
SECOND: I was thinking wacky comedy.
THIRD: Oh –
BIGWIG: Ut! Not yet. Continue telling us about your wacky comedy.
SECOND: So our hooker needs a new job, so she becomes a den mother for a group of outcast girls at some good college somewhere.
BIGWIG: All right, that sounds –
SECOND: And she helps them become cool by teaching them how to act like whores.
The BIGWIG glances at THIRD.
BIGWIG: Oh, all right.
THIRD: Are you insane? That’s the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life!
FIRST: What about that time we had Joe Francis in here to talk about a fictionalized movie version of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? You were really offended then –
THIRD: Okay, second most offended.
FIRST: And then there was the time –
THIRD: Yes, yes, okay, look, this at least makes top ten.
SECOND: I haven’t even gotten to the subplot with the priggish evil den mother yet! Come on! I didn’t say anything when you told us about the movie with the sex dolls, and you know the movie would have been better with a six-doll orgy!
BIGWIG: This is a good point. The birthday pitch has to be given fair consideration. However, may I suggest a few changes?
SECOND: Of course.
BIGWIG: Instead of a prostitute, let us make her a Playboy Bunny.
FIRST: With floppy ears!
THIRD: Kind of.
FIRST: And we’ll give her some lettuce!
THIRD: Not that type of bunny.
BIGWIG: If she is a Playboy Bunny, we can get a pretty actress nearing thirty to play the lead and the fact that she is still pretty will underscore the comic aspects of her not being allowed to be a Playboy Bunny any longer.
FIRST: Maybe we can even get an actress over thirty!
BIGWIG: Don’t be stupid. We will also get a bunch of hot young actresses to play the outcast girls so that the heroine can make them into hot sexy Playboy Bunnies as well. It’ll be just like it was in She’s All That. They will wear glasses, then they will take off the glasses and become hot and sexy.
THIRD: And the rest of the plot?
BIGWIG: We keep it as is. We’ll introduce a love interest for the heroine so she can be reformed into polite society, of course.
SECOND: I thought she should remain a whore in my original notes, but I guess I can bend with it.
THIRD: Aren’t you concerned about the message this sends? That women can only be happy and popular if they’re pretty?
BIGWIG: Because I was so deeply concerned about the social message sent by four consecutive Steven Seagal action movies in my prime? Come on now.
THIRD: Sir, i seriously think a movie like this will backfire on us. There’ll be a social outcry.
BIGWIG: Repeat after me: “we’re just using the basic plot elements of Revenge of the Nerds, except that this time, the nerds are girls.” Anybody complains, we keep repeating that until they shut up. Now let’s go get this made.
FIRST: I can’t wait for my birthday. I have this idea where Batman fights Popeye in outer space.
All are silent.
BIGWIG: Work on it some more, kid.
27
Apr
26
Apr
The absolute best way to get the public on your side, if you are a union in charge of an essential public service like say public transit, is to flash-strike with less than an hour’s warning on Friday night when all the people who have gone out for Friday night and who rely on said essential service to get, you know, home, have no alternative but to call taxis or walk.
I am sure the public is going to just fucking adore your point of view now! Really!
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