A thief is getting away in a high-speed motorboat! Whatever will we do to catch him?

What, indeed. For there exists no skill in any human living that cannot be instantly acquired and bested by Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

You would think at this point, people would know better than to draw down in the presence of Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog. Sadly, however, this is not the case.

Not pictured: Rex operating the rifle with his paws to kill three people with a single shot via a richocheted bullet.

So a little while back I asked if anybody was interested in a “brief collaboration,” and I got a pretty healthy response. The reason I asked was because of this and this and particluarly this (seriously, I love Kevin’s dialogue there), and I decided that I wanted to do one.

But then a whole a bunch of ridiculously talented artists contacted me (and continue to do so! Because it’s not like I set a deadline on it!), and really, I have never been the guy who only eats one Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from the package, you know? So a bunch of these are coming up in the near future.

First off, we have Sheli Hay, starting us off with exactly who you think this blog would start this thing.

Some people, when stranded on a desert island, might use a pair of sticks rubbed together to create fire. Others might focus the sun through their spectacles. The resourceful might use flint and steel.

Needless to say, all of these methods are completely superfluous if you are Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

Over at Gore Sports, they are having their sorta-annual Bash Wars tournament, featuring thirty-two combatants duking it out as determined by voters’ votes. Rex The Wonder Dog is, unsurprisingly, the number one seed in his bracket. This is right and proper. However, he is currently trailing an ordinary housecat who doesn’t even do anything awesome. It’s just a frigging cat. That cat probably doesn’t even speak Polish!

So if you have a Livejournal account, go join the Gore Sports community, and then vault Rex to his proper place, which is upon a throne built of cat-skulls.

Because, really, counting bullets? That is not even a thing for Rex.

Granted, the gun was an automatic rather than a revolver and Rex could tell that the gun was empty due to subtle shifts in how the man held it, thus coming to understand that the gun was lighter because it no longer had any bullets in the clip, but even so – this is merely an afternoon’s work for Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

A device that threatens to warp our very fabric of reality! Whatever can we do?

Clearly, all that is needed is a right proper canine headbutt from Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

Something something oh no it’s a tornado what will we do oh no etc.

Seriously, do we even have to bother pointing out that the tornado is no match for the likes of Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog? It seems almost counterproductive to say it these days.

Some stupid human has gone and injured themselves on a mountain! Whatever will they do? Perhaps they need the aid of a St. Bernard!

No, of course they don’t need no crap-ass St. Bernard. St. Bernards are for suckers. If you’re smart, you get the help of Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

BONUS: Rex demonstrates his mad aerial skills.

See, all the hype lately is about how Grant Morrison is going to write a story where Batman travels through time and is Batman in different eras. But Batman is totally stealing this schtick. Who beat him to it?

Obviously, Batman draws his inspiration from Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog, as is right and proper.

Many heroes would have trouble, were they attacked by a giant vicious attack rabbit.

However, Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog has a plan for moments exactly such as these. This is the beginning of plan #3,851. The ending of this plan has been censored by the appropriate authorities.

Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, Mr. Thinks He’s The Leading Man. “Ancestor.” Instead of the truth right before your eyes, which is that ancient Egyptians somehow came to worship Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

As we all know thanks to Science, the octopus is one of the smartest animals under the sea – and when enraged, it becomes deadly! What do you do? What do you do?

Thankfully, you can breathe underwater and therefore have no worries that you can defeat the beast, seeing as how you are Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

Now, a bear weighs approximately seven hundred and fifty pounds. A large German shepherd weighs about ninety pounds. It should be essentially impossible for a dog to knock over a bear.

However, certain dogs have mastered the science of Rexonomics, which enables one, through the use of specific equations, to change one’s own body mass, not unlike the Vision except without the horrible color scheme. Certain dogs such as Rex the motherfucking Wonder Dog.

If you had any doubt that Rex the Wonder Dog views physics as being strictly optional, watch how he rescues people from burning buildings.

EXTRA BONUS: Proof that Rex the Wonder Dog has walked on the surface of the sun.